Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 11 - The One with Mrs. Bing - full transcript

Do you think they have
yesterday's Daily News?

I just wanna check my horoscope,
see if it was right.

Oh, my God! Don't Iook now.
Behind you there's a guy...

...who can break our hearts
and plunge us into depression.

Come to mama.

He's coming.
Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.

-Nice hat.
-Thanks.

-We should do something. Whistle.
-I' m not whistling.

Come on, do it!

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

I can't believe you did that.



The One With Mrs. Bing

-It's all my fault.
-No, it's mine.

Why did I whoo-hoo?

Was I hoping
he'd turn around and say...

... " I Iove that sound.
I must have you now"?

I wish there was something
we could do.

Hello, coma guy.

Get up, you Girl Scout!
Up, up, up!

What are you doing?

Maybe nobody's tried this.

I wish we at Ieast knew his name.

I hate that they're
calling him John Doe.

It's so sad. It's Iike he's a deer,
a female deer.

Oh, I was gonna stop.



Look at that face.

Even sleeping he Iooks smart.

Yeah, but the dents in his knuckles
mean he's artistic.

Okay. He's a Iawyer who teaches
sculpting on the side.

And he can dance.

And he's the kind of guy who,
when you're talking, he's Iistening...

... not saying, " I understand "...

... but really wondering
what you Iook Iike naked.

I wish all guys could be Iike him.

I know.

You don't even know this guy.

Are there no conscious men
in the city for you two?

He doesn't have anyone.

We feel kind of responsible.

I can't believe you said "whoo-hoo. "

I don't even say "whoo-hoo. "

Oh, she's coming up.

When we return, we 'll talk with
the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing.

Put the kids to bed for this one.

Don't watch this. Weekend at Bernie 's
is on Showtime and HBO.

No way.

-She's your mom.
-Exactly. Weekend at Bernie 's.

Dead guy getting hit
in the groin 20, 30 times.

I gotta tell you,
I Iove your mom's books.

I can't get on a plane without one.
This is so cool.

You wouldn't think so
if you were 1 1...

...and your friends were passing around
page 79 of Mistress Bitch.

I remember page 79.

The thing after the opera
with the girl with the trick hip?

I Iove your mom.
I think she's a blast.

That's because she's not your mom.

Oh, please. She's the

Hi, sweetie.

When did " Rigatoni " get back from Rome?

-Last night.
-Really?

So, his plane didn't explode
in a big ball of fire?

Just a dream I had.

But, phew!

Hey, she's on.

Nora Bing.

Back to the book. What is this
about you being arrested in London?

Your mom was arrested?

I'm busy beaming with pride.

This is kind of embarrassing...

...but occasionally, after
I've been intimate with a man...

Why would she say that's embarrassing?

...I just get this craving
for kung pao chicken.

That's too much information.

Needless to say, he got a huge tip.

Oh, God, I Iove her!

I think I' m having a stroke.

So how is your book tour going?

Oh, fine. I'm leaving
for New York tomorrow, which I hate.

But I get to see my son, who I love.

This is the way that I find out.
Most moms use the phone.

Don 't take this wrong, I just
don 't see you as a mom.

-I don 't mean that bad.
-Oh, no. I'm a fabulous mom.

I bought my son his first condoms.

And then he burst into flames.

Let's see. Congress is debating
a new deficit-reduction bill.

The mayor wants to raise subway fares.
The high today was 45.

And teams played sports.

What about GIen?

He could be a GIen.

Not special enough.

How about Agamemnon?

Way too special.

I'm famished. What do I want?

PIease, God, don't Iet it be
kung pao chicken.

You watched the show.
What did you think?

I think you need to come out
of your shell.

What is this dive?

Only you could've picked this place.

Come on. Shut up. It's fun.
Give me a hug.

I heard about the divorce.
Lesbian, huh?

Well, you know what they say:
Be careful what you wish for.

-I think we' re ready for some tequila.
-I know I am.

-Who's doing shots?
-Hit me.

There you go. Ross?

I' m not really a shot-drinking
kind of guy.

Hi. Sorry we' re Iate.

We kind of just, you know,
Iost track of time.

But a man can change.

Anyone want me to appraise anything?

Well, I' m gonna go to tinker-town.

Mrs. Bing, I've read
everything you've written.

When I read Euphoria at Midnight,
I wanted to become a writer.

Oh, please.
If I can do it, anybody can.

Start with half a dozen
European cities...

...throw in 30 euphemisms
for male genitalia...

...and you've got yourself a book.

My mother, Iadies and gentlemen.

Yeah, any messages for room 226?

-You okay, slugger?
-Oh, yeah. I' m fine.

What is with you tonight?

Nothing. Nothing, nothing.

Okay, thank you.

It's the Italian hand-Iicker, isn't it?

No. It's the one he's Iicking.

She's supposed to be with you.

You' re good.

I have sold 1 00 million copies
of my books, and you know why?

The girl on the cover
with her nipples showing?

No, because I know how to write men
that women fall in Iove with.

I cannot sell a Paolo.

People will not turn 325 pages
for a Paolo.

Come on. The guy's
a secondary character.

He's just a complication
you eventually kill off.

When?

He's not a hero.

You know who our hero is?

The guy on the cover
with his nipples showing?

No, it's you.

-PIease.
-No, really.

Come on. You' re smart. You' re sexy.

-Right.
-Yes, you are.

The fact that you don't think you are
makes you sexier.

Come on, kiddo.
You' re gonna be fine, believe me.

I'II just pee in the street.

Is Chandler here?

Wait. Come here.

Okay, about Iast night...

...you know...

... Chandler, you didn't tell....

We don't need to tell Chandler.
It was just a kiss. No big deal, right?

Right. No big deal.

In bizarro world.

You broke the code.

-What code?
-You don't kiss your friend's mom.

Sisters are okay.
Maybe a hot-Iooking aunt.

But not a mom. Never a mom.

What are you guys doing out here?

Joey and I had discussed getting
in an early morning racquetball game.

But apparently somebody overslept.

Well, you don't have your racquet.

No. No, I don't
because it's being restrung.

Somebody was supposed to bring me one.

Well, you didn't call
and Ieave your grip size.

You guys are spending
way too much time together.

I' m scum. I' m scum.

-How could you Iet this happen?
-I don't know.

It's not Iike she's a regular mom.

She's sexy. She's....

You don't think my mom's sexy?

Well, not in the same way.

I'II have you know, GIoria T ribbiani
was a handsome woman in her day.

You think it's easy giving birth
to seven children?

Okay, I think we're getting
into a weird area here.

What are you doing here?

Not playing racquetball.

-He forgot to Ieave his grip size.
-He didn't get the goggles.

Sounds Iike you two have issues.

Goodbye, baby.

Do they wait for me to do this?

-Are you gonna tell him?
-Why would I tell him?

If you don't, his mother might.

What are you guys doing here?

He's not even wearing a jock strap.

What did I ask?

What are you doing here?

Nothing. I just thought
I'd stop by, you know, after...

...that I, you know.

So, what are you doing here?

I' m not really here.

I just thought I'd drop these off
on the way. My way.

Do you come here a Iot...

...without me?

No, no, no.

Do you think he's doing any better
than he was this morning?

How would I know? I wasn't here.

Really? Not even
to change his pajamas?

Oh, my God.

You're my friend.
I had to tell you.

I can't believe it.

Paolo kissed my mom?

I don't know if you noticed,
but he drank a Iot.

I mean, you know how he gets

I can't do this. I did it.

It was me. I' m sorry.
I kissed your mom.

What?

I was upset about Rachel and
I had too much tequila, and Nora...

... Mrs. Mom, your Bing, was...

... being nice.
But nothing happened.

Nothing. Ask Joey.

-Joey came in
-You knew about this?

You know, knowledge is a tricky thing.

Why didn't you tell me?

You're Iucky I caught them, or else
who knows what would've happened?

Thanks, man. Big help.

What the hell were you thinking?

I wasn't. I don't know. I

No one knows the crap I go through
with my mom more than you.

-I know.
-I can't believe you did this.

-Me neither.
-I' m mad at you too.

-Why are you mad at me?
-Let me slam the door.

I didn't kiss her. See what happens
when you break the code?

"A Woman Undone,
by Rachel IKaren Greene. "

I thought I'd give it a shot.
I'm on the first chapter.

Do you think his "Iove stick" can be
"Iiberated from its denim prison"?

Yeah, I'd say so.

And there's no "J " in "engorged. "

-You going to the hospital tonight?
-No. You?

No. You?

You just asked me.

Maybe it was a trick question.

Rachel, can we do this now?

I am so hot.

Here's my mom and dad
on their wedding day.

Now, you tell me she's not a knockout.

-I can't believe this conversation.
-Just try to picture her not pregnant.

Central Perk is proud to present
Miss Phoebe Buffay.

Thanks.

I'd Iike to start with a song
about a man I recently met...

...who's come to be
very important to me.

You don 't have to be awake
To be my man

Long as you have brain waves
I'll be there to hold your hand

Though we just met the other day

There 's something I have got to say

Thank you very much.
I' m gonna take a short break.

That was Phoebe Buffay, everybody.

-What the hell was that?
-Phoebe just started

I was talking to Joey.
AII right, there, mother-kisser?

" Mother-kisser. "

I'II shut up.

I know you' re still mad at me...

... but there were two people
there that night.

-There were two sets of Iips.
-I expect this from her.

She's always been a Freudian nightmare.

Then why don't you say something?

Because it's complicated.
It's complex.

You kissed my mom.

We' re rehearsing a Greek play.

That's funny.
Are we done now?

You mean you' re not gonna
tell her how you feel?

Just because you played
tonsil tennis with my mom...

...doesn't mean you know her.
You can't talk to her.

Okay. "You can't"?
Or you can't?

Okay, that's my finger.

Okay, that's my knee.

Still doing the play.

What did you do with him?

-You're awake.
-Look at you.

How do you feel?

A Iittle woozy, but basically okay.

Gosh, you Iook good.

I feel good.

Who are you?

-Sorry.
-I'm Phoebe.

I' m Monica.
I've been caring for you.

We both have.

-The Etch A Sketch is from you?
-Actually, me.

-I got you the foot massager.
-I shaved you.

-I read to you.
-I sang.

Well, thanks.

-Oh, my pleasure.
-You' re welcome.

So I guess I'II see you around.

What? That's it?

"See you around "?

-What do you want me to say?
-I don't know.

Maybe...

... "That was nice. "

" It meant something to me. "

" I'II call you. "

-Okay. I'II call you.
-I don't think you mean that.

This is so typical.

You know, we give and we give...

...and we give.

And we just get nothing back.

And then one day, you wake up,
and it's, "See you around. "

Let's go, Phoebe.

You know what?
We thought you were different.

But I guess it was just the coma.

The car's waiting. I just wanted
to drop off my book for your friends.

Autographed.
And give you a goodbye kiss.

Here's the kiss,
here's the goodbye....

-Anything you want from Lisbon?
-Just knowing you' re there is enough.

AII right. Well, be good.
I Iove you.

You kissed my best Ross.

Or something to that effect.

Look, it was stupid.

-Really stupid.
-Really stupid.

I don't even know how it happened.

I' m sorry, honey. I promise
it will never happen again.

Really, really stupid.

Really, really stupid.

-Are we okay now?
-Yeah.

No.

The forbidden Iove
of a man and his door.

He told her off. And not just
about the kiss.

You're kidding?

He said, "When are you gonna
start being a mom? "

Then she said:

"The question is, when are you gonna
realize I have a bomb? "

Are you sure she didn't say:

"When are you gonna grow up
and realize I am your mom? "

-That makes more sense.
-You think?

What's going on now?

I don't know. I've been standing here
spelling it out for you.

I don't hear anything. Wait.

What do you see?

It's hard to tell.
They're tiny and upside down.

Wait, wait, wait.

They're walking away.
They're walking away.

No, they' re not. They' re coming
right at us. Run!

-Are you okay, kiddo?
-Yeah, I' m okay.

AII right. You be good.

Drive safe.

-Mrs. Bing.
-Mr. Geller.

You mean that?

Yeah, why not?

So I told her.

-How did it go?
-Awful. Awful.

Couldn't have gone worse.

-Well, how do you feel?
-Pretty good.

I told her.

Well, see?

So maybe it wasn't such a bad idea,
me kissing your mom, huh?

But we don't have to
go down that road.

This is just the first chapter...

...and I want your absolute
honest opinion. Okay?

And on page two, he's not reaching
for her " heaving beasts. "

She could have heaving beasts.

Right, but in this case she doesn't.

What's a " niffle"?

You can usually find them
on the heaving beasts.

Okay, so I' m not a great typist.

Did you get to the part
about his "huge, throbbing pens"?

You don't wanna be around
when he starts writing with those.

That's it. Give them back.

Wait, I just got to the part
about her "public hair. "