Friends (1994–2004): Season 1, Episode 10 - The One with the Monkey - full transcript

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All right! You guys,
it's starting to snow.

And look, Ugly Naked Guy
is hanging candy canes.

Where?

Oh. Well.

That's festive.

Guys, there's somebody
I'd like you to meet.

Wait, wait. What is that?

-That's Marcel. Wanna say hi?
-No, I don't.

-He's cute! Where'd you get him?
-My friend Bethel saved him from a lab.

That is so cruel.

Why would a parent
name their child Bethel?



That monkey's got a Ross on his ass.

Is he gonna live with you
in your apartment?

Yeah. It's been kind of quiet
since Carol left.

Why not get a roommate?

You reach a certain age, having
a roommate is just kind of pathet

That's " pathet. " Sanskrit for
" really cool way to live. "

The One With the Monkey

I' m doing new material tonight.

I have 1 2 songs about my mother's
suicide and one about a snowman.

You might wanna open with the snowman.

-Hi, Joey.
-Hey, buddy.

-So how'd it go?
-I didn't get the job.

How could you not?
You were Santa last year.

Some fat guy's sleeping
with the store manager.



He's not even jolly.
It's all political.

-What are you gonna be?
-One of his helpers.

It's just such a slap in the face,
you know?

Do you know what you' re doing
for New Year's?

Hey, what?
What is wrong with New Year's?

You have Paolo. You don't have
to face the pressure...

...of finding lips to kiss
when the ball drops!

Man, I'm talking loud!

Paolo's gonna be in Rome
this New Year's.

-I'll be just as pathetic as you.
-Yeah, you wish.

I've got an idea. Dinner.

It's perfect. We'll put it between
lunch and breakfast.

I'm sick of being a victim
of this Dick Clark holiday.

I say this year, we make a pact.
Just the six of us. Dinner.

-Sure.
-Fine.

I was hoping for more enthusiasm.

-Phoebe, you' re on.
-Oh, good.

Hi. Ladies and gentlemen,
back by popular demand...

... Miss Phoebe Buffay.

Hi. Thanks. Hi.

I wanna start with a song
that means a lot to me.

I made a man with eyes of coal

And a smile so bewitching

How was I supposed to know

That my mom was dead in the kitchen?

My mother's ashes

Even her eyelashes

Are resting in a little yellow jar

And sometimes when it's freezing

I feel a little sneezy

And now I Excuse me?
Excuse me? Yeah, noisy boys.

Is it something you'd like
to share with the group?

No. No, that's okay.

If it's important enough
while I'm playing...

...it's important enough
for everyone else.

That guy's going home with a note.

-I was just saying
-Speak up.

Sorry, l

I was saying you were the most
beautiful woman I'd ever seen.

And he said that Daryl Hannah...

...was the most beautiful woman
he'd ever seen.

I said I liked her in Splash,
but not Wall Street.

I thought she had a hard quality.

While Daryl is beautiful
in a conventional way...

...you are luminous
with a kind of delicate grace.

Then that's when you started yelling.

We're gonna take a short break.

That guy's going home
with more than a note.

Come here, Marcel. Sit here.

I can't believe he hasn't
kissed you yet.

By my sixth date with Paolo,
he'd already named both my breasts.

Did I just share too much?

Just a smidge.

David's, like, a scientist guy.
He's very methodical.

-I think it's romantic.
-Me too!

Did you ever see
An Officer and a Gentleman?

He's kind of like the guy
I went to see that with.

Except he's smarter and gentler
and sweeter.

I just wanna be with him all the time.

You know, day and night.
And night and day.

And special occasions.

I see. You're gonna ask him
to New Year's.

-She's gonna break the pact.
-No! No, no.

No. Yeah, could I just?

-Yeah. I already asked Janice.
-What?

This was a pact! This was your pact!

I couldn't handle the pressure.
I snapped!

But that was the worst breakup
in history!

I'm not saying it was a good idea.
I snapped!

Hi, sorry I'm late.

Too many jokes.

Must mock Joey.

Nice shoes, huh?

God, you're killing me!

Ross, he's playing
with my spatulas again!

-He's not gonna hurt them, right?
-Do you always have to bring him?

I didn't wanna leave him alone.
We had our first fight this morning.

It has to do with my working late.
I said some things that I didn't mean.

He threw some feces.

If you're working late,
I can look in on him.

That would be great!

But make sure it seems
like you're there to see him.

You're not doing it for me.

Okay. But if he asks,
I'm not going to lie.

But you can't actually
test this theory.

T oday's particle accelerators
aren't powerful enough...

-...to simulate these conditions.
-I have a question then.

-Yeah?
-Do you plan on kissing me ever?

That's definitely a valid question,
and the answer...

...would be yes. Yes, I was.

But I wanted it to be
this phenomenal kiss...

...at a phenomenal moment
because it's you.

Sure.

The longer I waited, the more
phenomenal the kiss had to be.

Now, it's just gotta be
one of those things where l...

...sweep everything off the table.

And I'm not really
a sweeping sort of fella.

David, I think you are
a sweeping sort of fella.

I mean, you're a sweeper
trapped inside a physicist's body.

-Really?
-I'm sure.

You should just do it. Just throw me.

-Now?
-Yeah, right now. Just....

Okay. Okay. Okay.

You know what?
This is really expensive.

And this was a gift.

-Now you' re just tidying up.
-Okay.

-You want me to throw you?
-I can hop.

T ell me something, what does
" no-date pact" mean to you?

It's just that Chandler
and Phoebe have somebody.

I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby.

-Your ex-boyfriend?
-Yeah.

-You know more than one Fun Bobby?
-I happen to know a Fun Bob.

-Okay. Here we go.
-There's no room for milk.

There. Now there is.

So on our no-date evening,
three of you now have dates.

-Four.
-Five.

Sorry. Paolo's catching
an earlier flight.

And I met this really hot
single mom at the store.

What's an elf to do?

So I'll be the only one alone
when the ball drops?

We'll have a big party,
and no one will know who's with who.

I'll know. This is so not
what I needed right now.

-What's the matter?
-Oh, it's Marcel.

He's angry with me. I have
no idea why. He keeps shutting me out.

He's walking around all the time,
dragging his hands.

That's weird.
I had a blast with him.

-Really?
-We played, watched TV.

That juggling thing is amazing.

What juggling thing?

With the socks?
I figured you taught him that.

No.

It wasn't that big a deal.
Just socks. And a melon.

-Phoebe!
-Max. Do you know everybody?

No. Have you seen David?

He hasn't been around.

If you see him, tell him to pack.
We are going to Minsk.

-Minsk?
-Minsk. It's in Russia.

I know where Minsk is.

We got the grant.
Three years, all expenses paid.

And if you're gonna do Minsk,
that's the way to go.

-So when do you leave?
-January 1 st.

-Hello?
-What? Hey. Hi.

-What are you doing here?
-Max told me about Minsk.

Congratulations! This is so exciting!

It'd be even more exciting
if we were going.

Oh, you're not going? Oh, why?

T ell her. " I don't wanna go...

...to work with Lipson,
Yamaguchi and Flank.

I wanna stay and make out
with my girlfriend! "

Okay, thank you, Max. Thank you.

So you're really not going?

I don't know what I'm gonna do.
I just....

How can I leave you?
I just found you.

Oh, David. But what are you gonna do?

I don't know. You decide.

-Don't do that.
-But l' m asking you.

-I can't make a decision. Just
-Okay. Stay.

-Stay.
-Stay.

Getting so good at that!

It was Max's stuff.

I love this artichoke thing.

Don't tell me what's in it.
The diet starts tomorrow.

You remember Janice.

Vividly.

-How are you?
-I am fantastic.

Now.

It's amazing. We've been back
together for what...

-...Iike 1 0 minutes, and
-ls that all?

It's like we were never apart.

Of course, we were, but
Forgive and forget.

Well, forget.

-Hi.
-Hi, l' m Sandy.

Sandy, hi. Come on in.

-You brought your kids.
-Yeah. That's okay, right?

-Party!
-That thing is not coming in here!

This is how you greet guests?

If I showed up with my new girlfriend,
she wouldn't be welcome?

Your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate
on my coffee table.

He was more embarrassed
about that than anyone.

And for him to have the courage
to walk back in here...

...Iike nothing happened

All right. All right.
Just keep him away from me.

Thank you. Come on, Marcel.

What do you say you and I mingle?

All right, I'll catch up
with you later.

Oh, my gosh!
Rachel, honey, are you okay?

-Where's Paolo?
-Rome. Jerk missed his flight.

And then your face exploded?

No.

Okay. I was at the airport
getting into a cab...

...when this woman, this blond
planet with a pocketbook...

...starts yelling. Something
about how it was her cab first.

The next thing, she just
starts pulling me out by my hair!

And I was blowing my attack
whistle thingy...

...and three more cabs show up.

So as I'm going to get into a cab,
she tackles me!

And I hit my head on the curb
and cut my lip on my whistle.

Everybody having fun at the party?

-Are people eating my dip?
-Yes.

There.

-That looks okay, right?
-You went a bit wide on the lipstick.

-Oh, I did?
-Yeah.

It's hard for me to tell.
My eye's closing up.

Let me get it for you.

-Ow!
-Okay.

You know what? It looks fine.

Okay, here we go.

Screw Paolo,
screw the psycho cab lady.

It's New Year's Eve.
Let's have a good time.

-Okay, here we go.
-Okay.

All right, there you go. This way.

Here you go.

When I saw you at the store
last week...

...it was the first time
I ever mentally undressed an elf.

-Wow, that's dirty.
-Yeah.

Hey, kids.

He doesn't have to spend
the whole evening with me...

... but at least check in.

There you are!

You got away from me.

-But you found me.
-Here, Ross, take our picture.

Smile. You' re on Janice Camera.

Kill me. Kill me now.

Hi, l' m Rachel.

So whose friend are you?

Look at me, spilling everywhere.

Everybody, it's Fun Bobby!

Hey, sorry I'm late.
But my grandfather...

...died about two hours ago.

But I couldn't get a flight
out till tomorrow, so here I am.

Hey, Fun Bobby! How's it going, man?
Whoa! Who died?

It's gonna be an open casket,
you know?

So at least I'll get to see him again.

Bobby? Fun Bobby?

Let me talk to you for just a sec.

I recently lost
a grandparent myself...

...so I really know exactly
how you feel.

But you' re really bringing
the party down.

-l' m sorry.
-Yeah, yeah, okay.

There you go. There you go.

I' m gonna blow this one up
and write " Reunited " in glitter.

All right, Janice, that's it!

Janice. Janice.

Hey, Janice, when I invited you,
I didn't think it meant

Oh, no!

I' m sorry you misunderstood.

You listen to me!
You listen to me!

One of these times, it's just gonna be
your last chance with me!

Will you give me the thing?

-Hi, Max.
-Yoko.

I've decided to go to Minsk
without you.

-Wow.
-lt won't be the same...

... but it will still be Minsk.
Happy New Year.

-Are you all right?
-Yeah, l' m fine. I' m fine.

Come on.

-You' re going to Minsk.
-No, l' m not going to Minsk.

You are so going to Minsk.

You belong in Minsk.
You can't stay here just for me.

If I go, I have to break up with you.

-And I can't break up with you.
-Yes, you can.

Just say, " Phoebe, I love you,
but my work is my life.

That's what I have to do. "

And I say, "Your work?
How can you say that? "

Then you say, " I have no choice.
Can't you understand that? "

And I say, " No! No!
I can't understand that! "

-Ow.
-Sorry.

And then you put
your arms around me.

-Then you put your arms around me.
-Oh, sorry.

And then you tell me you love me
and you'll never forget me.

I'll never forget you.

Then you say that you have to go...

... because you don't wanna start the
year with me if you can't finish it.

I' m gonna miss you,
you scientist guy.

Hi, Dick Clark in Times Square.

We're in a virtual snowstorm
of confetti here in Times Square.

It gets better every....

Here you go, kids.

And then the peacock bit me.

Please kiss me at midnight!

-You seen Sandy?
-I don't know how to tell you this...

... but she's in the bedroom
getting it on with Max.

Oh, I did know how to tell you.

-Hey, everybody, the ball is dropping.
-What?

The ball is dropping!

In 20 seconds, it'll be midnight.

And the moment of joy is upon us.

Looks like that no-date pact
worked out.

Everybody looks so happy.
I hate that!

Not everybody is happy. Hey, Bobby!

four, three, two...

...one! Happy New Year!

I thought I'd throw this out.
I' m no math whiz...

... but I do believe there are
three girls and three guys right here.

I don't feel like kissing
anyone tonight.

-I can't kiss anyone.
-So, I'm kissing everyone?

No, you can't kiss Ross.
That's your brother.

So now everybody's
getting kissed but me.

Somebody kiss me.

Somebody kiss me! It's midnight!
Somebody kiss me!

All right! All right!

There!

I wanted this to work so much.

I'm still in there.

Changing his diapers.
Picking his fleas.

But he's just phoning it in.

It's hard that something you love
so much doesn't love you back.

I think that bitch cracked my tooth.