Friday Night Dinner (2011–…): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Girlfriend - full transcript
Adam brings new girlfriend Emma to dinner. She has a good sense of humour and is not deterred by seeing Martin wash dog mess from his foot in the toilet or his asking if any of her family has been murdered. Things go downhill for Adam though when Emma's sister sends him a series of sexy texts, which are seen by eight year old Katie, whom Jackie is baby-sitting, and who blackmails Adam - to whom she has taken a shine - into playing with her or else she will tell. Emma feels neglected and is puzzled by Adam's strange actions but worse is to come when she sees what Jonny has done to Adam's old bedroom.
Someone's in a hurry.
Oh, hi, Jim. What are you...?
Oh, yes, no, this is one of Wilson's
"preferred areas".
"Preferred areas"?
Yes.
For...?
Oh, uh...
Great.
Well, see you later, then. Yep, bye.
Come on, lovely...
You've emptied your bottom.
Come on, Wilson.
Oh, please can you stop watching
your horrible murder programmes?
But it was Crippen.
Never mind Crippen.
Can you get the ketchup, please?
The tomato blood!
And maybe put some clothes on?
Tsh! Why wasn't I a caveman?
You are a caveman.
And hurry up, they'll be here soon.
What?
I said... Just get me the ketchup!
Here's your tomato blood!
Hi, Dad. Argh!
You bleeding idiot!
Dad!
Ow! Shit on it!
What happened?
Oh, look at you...
My shitting knuckles!
You all right?
Sorry, Dad. When did you get here?
Hmmm?
Inside! Urgh!
What were you doing creeping
up on me like that?
Martin, they'll be here soon.
Bloody paralysed hand.
Dad's made an effort.
What? His special pants?
Argh!
Big night tonight.
I know! Adam and Emma,
Emma and Adam...
Wonder what she's like. Hideous?
But not as hideous as that.
Thank you, but none of us
want to catch a disease tonight.
But it's a waste!
Oh, just try
and be normal for Adam's girlfriend.
What? Of course
I'm going to be normal.
And you'll be nice,
won't you, Jonnyboo?
No.
Hi!
Oh, my God, they're here already.
They're here.
Wait!
Sorry, Martin, she is not seeing you
like that. What?
You'll have to go outside.
But... Mum!
I'll get you in a minute.
But Jackie!
Coming!
Hello! Hi. Sorry we're early.
Don't be silly.
Emma, my mum...
Lovely to meet you.
Oh, I brought you
some yellow things!
Oh, they're gorgeous. Thank you.
My brother, Jonny...
All right, Pusface? Very good.
All right, Pissface? Oh!
Oh, I love your hair!
Thanks, I grew it myself.
She grew it herself!
Yes, Mum.
Well, come through.
Where's Dad?
Er... He's upstairs, just getting...
Who's that?
Excuse me.
Dad? Martin? Do you like ketchup?
What are you...? I trod in some
bloody dog shit. Eurgh! Lovely!
I'm the father, Martin Goodman.
Hello, Father Goodman.
Sodding thing...
I'm really sorry.
No, it's good so far!
I had to throw my bleeding sock away.
Sorry, but you are not washing
your disgusting foot in my sink.
But Jackie! Right, then...
No, Martin, we've got a guest.
Dad!
Ahhh...
Pleasure to meet you.
Hey! Sorry again, Emma.
It's OK, thanks. Now I know
where to find the foot bath!
Adam told me you had a lovely sense
of humour.
Did I?
What else has he told you?
Likes it from behind.
Um, and you have a sister?
Yeah, I do.
Oh, I would have loved
to have had...
..girls.
Evening, everyone. Hello.
Father Goodman.
You all right now? What?
Oh, apologies for before, only,
you know, dog faeces and...
Um, Emma was just saying
she has a sister. Yeah.
Yes, we wanted girls. We know.
So, how long's it been, then? It?
Your courtship?
Excellent.
Oh, we have been
courting for precisely...
Eight weeks?
No, nine weeks!
Oh, yeah. Nine weeks!
Ah, how lovely.
What?
Oh, the hands.
Yes, they're holding hands.
Great.
Oh, did you see that programme the
other night, the one with the hands?
Um, might need a few more details.
Yes, could you be more vague?
It was all about murder
within the family.
Oh, not this now.
Well, the man that did it
had these great big hands.
Rrrr! Thank you, Martin.
Has anyone in your family
been murdered?
Um, no, not yet.
Although sometimes I'd quite like
to strangle my sister.
Well, the hardest part
isn't the actual killing.
It's working out what to do next.
Also available
for children's parties...
The best thing would be to put
your sister's body in the bath... OK.
..then turn on the taps, pour in
loads and loads of washing powder.
Seriously... Washing powder?
Yes, it acts as an acid, so all
the flesh on your sister's body
would be stripped off quite soon.
Dad!
Then all you have to do is burn
or grind down her bones.
Welcome to the family.
Brilliant!
Brilliant!
Just no more murder stuff,
all right?
Yes. Or burning bodies.
Ohh! What am I meant to talk about?
Anything, just not murder
or burning bodies.
I suppose I could always talk to
her about physics.
Does she like physics?
No-one likes physics.
No-one likes physics? Are you mad?!
What about the principles
of magnetism? She must like magnets.
Bye-bye.
Can't we just burn HIS body?
Can I be of any hindrance?
Oh, thanks, sweetie. Um,
if you could maybe take this in...
OK, thanks. Oh,
have you got a straw?!
Save some for me!
Adam? What?
Mum!
Ooh, she is a lovely girl!
Lovely girl.
Get off!
Go inside.
Mum, do you think Adam'll
marry that girl?
Ignore him, Bobble.
Thanks, Mum.
Do you think you'll marry that girl?
Dad just ate ketchup
straight from the bowl.
He did.
Starters.
Have I got any on my face?
Only in your ear.
And here's the chicken.
Oh, lovely, Jackie.
Yeah, lovely bit of squirrel!
Ooh!
Emma, you'll have to have
a tour of the house later.
OK, cool.
Maybe Adam can show you
his old room.
I'm definitely not showing
you my old room. Aww... Why not?
Because I'm not 12 any more.
I always forget
he's been through puberty.
So what are you hiding up there,
then? Just dead bodies!
Sorry.
Ooh! That's the other woman!
Ha-ha!
It's all right, I know about her!
Take whatever you want, love.
Thank you.
You all right? Um...
OK?
What? Yeah, fine. Just... work.
Sorry, just one moment.
Yeah, one moment.
Boys?
So, Emma... Yes?
Do you like magnets?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What?!
This is not happening.
What is not happening?
OK. Oh, my God.
You mustn't tell anyone.
Your penis needs to be removed?
Seriously, you must not tell Emma.
HER penis needs to be removed?
All right. I've just been sent this.
Whoa!
"Hi, Hotness. Kiss, kiss, kiss."
Who is she?
Emma's sister. Her sister?!
Shh!
So, what, have you been...?
No, of course I haven't been...
So, she just randomly sent you that?
Yeah, I mean, she texted me once before
and she was, you know, friendly, but...
Not quite as friendly as that?
Oh, God. It's probably a mistake.
Yeah, I mean, who would want to
show YOU their body. Exactly.
"Hi, Adam. It's Emma's sister.
"Like what you see?"
That's probably not a mistake.
Why would she do that?!
Why would she...?
Everything all right?
Yep! Cool. Cool.
What you looking at? Porn?!
Porn!
What? No, just some...
Football... football.
You hate football.
Yeah, that's why we were looking
at it. It was... Hateful.
Definitely not being strange.
What am I going to do?
I don't know, but...
But what?
Can you... send me that?
It's really delicious.
Thanks, love.
Are you OK? Hm?
You're not eating anything.
Yeah, Adam!
Sorry. It's lovely, Mum.
So, Emma, Adam was telling me
all about your sister.
Excuse me.
He said she's really nice.
Yeah, she is,
but we're quite different.
Are you? Mm.
She's very shy. Shy...
Sorry.
Another one!
You're popular tonight, Adam.
Yeah! Isn't he? Isn't he?
Um, just... work.
I'll get it. Stay there. I'll go.
Seriously, is everything all right?
Yeah, babe.
I was saying before to your female.
Dad! Your "female"!
That the Indians are currently building
the world's most powerful magnet.
That IS what he was saying.
What are they building it for?
To attract metal, you imbecile.
OK. Actually, I've a couple of
pretty big magnets up in the loft.
I can show you them later.
Um...
You definitely won't be murdered.
Everyone, we have a special guest
for dinner.
This is Katie.
Hello, Katie.
Katie's here because her mummy -
Susan from round the corner -
had to go and see Katie's grandma
in hospital all of a sudden.
So,
we're all looking after her tonight.
Really? Sh.
Evening ruined.
You remember Adam, don't you?
He used to baby-sit for you
when you were little.
Hi, Katie. Hello, Adam.
Fancies you.
Come and sit down.
Well, say hello.
Oh, yes, good evening.
Martin Goodman.
Martin, she's an 8-year-old girl,
not a 55-year-old businessman.
Actually, I'm nine in June.
And another one!
Sorry.
You all right?
What? Oh, just more work...
Can I play with your phone?
Um, not now.
But you used to let me
play games on your phone.
Go on, Adam, let Katie play games
on your phone. No, thank you.
Not fair! Not fair!
Right, what would you like to eat?
- Who's she?
- Me?
- That's Adam's female.
- Yes, I'm Adam's "female".
Um, she's my girlfriend. I'm Emma.
- But she's ugly.
- Thank you.
Katie!
"She's ugly"!
Martin! Well, I like ugly girls.
Sorry. I mean...
Well done.
Sorry about this, love.
You were saying about your sister.
Who's very shy. Well, yeah, she's...
Can I be your girlfriend? Oo-er!
Um... why don't you eat
your potatoes?
I don't like them. Why not?
I don't like the bones.
There's no bones in potatoes.
You're stupid.
Yes, he IS stupid, isn't he?
You're funny. Thank you.
And handsome.
Ooh! Careful! Yeah, careful!
Where are you going?
Come and sit down now.
Um, hello...
Can I put some make-up on you?
Nah. Can I hold your hand?
Oo-er again!
Mum?!
Sit down now, Katie.
Yeah, go on, Katie.
OK.
Give it back! Bad luck, Adam. Adam!
Give me back my bloody phone!
Um, Adam...
Adam! Give it back!
Katie, you little....
Give it back! No!
- Open up!
- I'm doing a wee-wee.
What is the matter with you?
It's my phone.
So? What's she going to do to it?
Eat it?
No, she doesn't like the bones.
Are you all right?
You're a lunatic! I'm fine.
Give it bloody back!
Here's your phone.
Good girl.
Now, come and sit down, darling.
She knows.
She knows!
All right, Pusface? God!
What are you going to do?
I don't know, but her sister's
just got rid of the bikini.
Blimey!
She's obsessed.
Well, you are gorgeous!
Jonny! I'll have to tell Emma.
Good idea - tell your girlfriend.
"I've got naked photos
of your sister, please dump me."
Oh, shit.
All right, bambinos? Hello.
That Emma's a smashing female.
"Female".
And a nice-sized chest. Dad!
Um, did you know that upstairs,
there are 26 door knobs?
What?
Katie just made us count them all.
Twice.
Um, where is Katie?
Er, living room... 26!
Excuse me one sec.
Now, that's funny.
I'd always counted 28.
Right, Katie. Hi, Adam.
I don't know what you saw,
but you'd better not tell Emma.
What do you mean?
What you saw on my phone.
I didn't see anything on your phone.
Really?! You didn't...
you didn't see the...? What?
Nothing. Um... OK... great.
Ignore me. Thanks. Thank you.
Oh!
Do you mean the girl in the bikini?
What?
Photos of Emma's sister.
Oh, God. Um...
Please don't say anything. OK.
You promise? I promise.
Oh!
Thanks, Katie. Phew!
Can we play now?
Um, later, later...
But I want to play now.
Sorry, Katie, I can't now.
Then I'll tell your girlfriend
about the photos.
But...
..you just promised you wouldn't.
Emma! OK, OK! I'll do it!
Whatever you want!
There. Thank you.
Doesn't he look pretty?
Yeah.
Beautiful. Mwah!
Get off!
See you later, "Hotness".
He DOES look beautiful, doesn't he?
Yeah, Katie, he looks really... nice.
Well done.
Adam, I'm going to see
if your mum needs any help.
Yeah. Thanks, Katie,
that was really... fun.
It's a bit much, isn't it?! Is it?
You look like a prostitute.
A good-looking prostitute or
a bad-looking...? Shall we...?
Adam?
Sorry, Katie,
we're going to see his mummy now.
Yeah. I'll tell.
Shall we?
Um, you go through,
Emma, I won't be a sec.
Really?!
What? I want to play some more.
And then I went to university,
um, Manchester.
Woof, woof!
Oh, Manchester?
Woof! What is he doing in there?
Adam?! Woof!
They've been in there for some time.
Haven't they?
Good doggy!
Hold on a second, love.
So, shall I get the magnets?
Come on, doggy, walkies!
Woof, woof.
Er, Adam?
Hi, Mum. Keep going.
Woof, woof.
What are you doing?
Yeah, it's a little bit complicated.
Your girlfriend's been
sitting in there for ages.
I'M his girlfriend.
Hi, is everything...?
Oh, hi, Emma.
He just really likes kids.
Right.
Oh, my God! Jonny!
Facebook!
OK. Emma!
Get off!
Can I just say,
you're behaving really weirdly.
Am I? Adam, she's eight years old.
I'm nine in June. She's nine in June.
It's my sister. Your sister?
Hi, Helen.
OK, Katie, we've played enough now.
But I want to be your girlfriend.
Well, maybe in a few years.
Can I hold your hand?
What?! Just for a little bit.
Really?
And you won't tell Emma anything?
No.
Promise? Promise. PROMISE promise?
PROMISE promise.
But don't let go. Why?
If you let go of my hand, I'll tell
her what I saw on your phone.
But...
Everything OK?
Yeah, can I have a word?
Sure.
Hey.
OK, I know you like kids,
but this is ridiculous.
Ridiculous?
For Chrissakes, Adam, I'm your
girlfriend - come and talk to me!
Yeah, sure, sure.
Absolutely, absolutely.
Right...
Emma! Where are you going?
Yes, where are you going?
I'm going to the toilet.
Is that allowed?!
I did it again.
Yes, all good, love.
She's been... really... fun.
Yes! Three kittens!
Bye.
Katie, sweetheart, why don't you sit
over here with me for a bit?
No, we like it here, don't we?
Er...
I'll go. You two have fun!
Oh, hi, Jim.
Hello, Jack... Adam.
Jonny.
Yes, no, I just wanted to apologise
to your family for all the...
..that Wilson's been doing
round here.
Oh, OK, I'll tell them.
Is your mother in?
She's a bit tied up.
Tied up?
What? No, she's busy.
Adam's girlfriend's here.
Ah, young love.
Yeah. So...
Actually, Jim,
talking of young love,
you ought to know
that Adam's girlfriend
is quite a bit younger than him.
I see.
Yes, in our culture...
The Jewish culture?
That's right... kind of allowed.
Well, there's nothing wrong
with an age difference.
I once went out with a lady
who was 35 years older than me.
Did you?
Oh, no,
I'm getting confused with my mother.
Would you like to meet her?
Oh, yes, we would.
Katie, do you want to come
and see a real doggy?
How exciting.
Oh, a doggy!
There they are - Adam and Katie.
Hi, Jim.
Hel... hello...
Hello, doggy! What's your name?
Wilson. Good doggy.
You've painted your nails.
When you marry me,
can we get a doggy? Um...
Listen, Adam, I think
it's probably best if I go.
I'm very happy for you both.
You make a lovely couple.
Shalom. Shalom.
OK, I'm going to head off.
What? Why are you going?
Because every time
I try and talk to you,
you're holding a little girl's
bloody hand.
Rude word. Emma, I told you,
it's only a bit of fun.
Fun?! How is this fucking fun?!
Ruder word. Ugh! What's going on?
Sorry, Jackie, but I've got to go.
What? Where are you going?
But Emma...
You let go!
Oh, piss off! Adam!
Another rude word.
Emma, please. I'm sorry, OK?
You're sorry?
Yeah, it's really complicated. I...
Oh, shit! Ugh!
Oh, bloody hell!
Are you all right, Bobble?
Excuse me. Argh!
Oh, my God, are you OK?
- Adam? My head!
- Pusface?
Martin, get a cloth.
Jonny - a plaster. OK, Mum.
Katie, go inside. Adam, are you OK?
I think I need my puffer. My puffer!
Your what?
His asthma thing -
there's one upstairs. OK!
Where is it? On his desk, his old
bedroom. First room on the right!
What's that?
His puffer,
Emma's getting it from his room.
Is she?
Does this help? No!
Huh!
Um...
I'm just getting his...
He just really likes tits.
Here. Thanks.
What?
Your bedroom...
What?!
Emma! What are all these texts?
I...can't explain?
What is going on?
Goodbye, Adam. Emma?! Don't...
..go.
So, can I be your girlfriend NOW?
Oh, hi, Jim. What are you...?
Oh, yes, no, this is one of Wilson's
"preferred areas".
"Preferred areas"?
Yes.
For...?
Oh, uh...
Great.
Well, see you later, then. Yep, bye.
Come on, lovely...
You've emptied your bottom.
Come on, Wilson.
Oh, please can you stop watching
your horrible murder programmes?
But it was Crippen.
Never mind Crippen.
Can you get the ketchup, please?
The tomato blood!
And maybe put some clothes on?
Tsh! Why wasn't I a caveman?
You are a caveman.
And hurry up, they'll be here soon.
What?
I said... Just get me the ketchup!
Here's your tomato blood!
Hi, Dad. Argh!
You bleeding idiot!
Dad!
Ow! Shit on it!
What happened?
Oh, look at you...
My shitting knuckles!
You all right?
Sorry, Dad. When did you get here?
Hmmm?
Inside! Urgh!
What were you doing creeping
up on me like that?
Martin, they'll be here soon.
Bloody paralysed hand.
Dad's made an effort.
What? His special pants?
Argh!
Big night tonight.
I know! Adam and Emma,
Emma and Adam...
Wonder what she's like. Hideous?
But not as hideous as that.
Thank you, but none of us
want to catch a disease tonight.
But it's a waste!
Oh, just try
and be normal for Adam's girlfriend.
What? Of course
I'm going to be normal.
And you'll be nice,
won't you, Jonnyboo?
No.
Hi!
Oh, my God, they're here already.
They're here.
Wait!
Sorry, Martin, she is not seeing you
like that. What?
You'll have to go outside.
But... Mum!
I'll get you in a minute.
But Jackie!
Coming!
Hello! Hi. Sorry we're early.
Don't be silly.
Emma, my mum...
Lovely to meet you.
Oh, I brought you
some yellow things!
Oh, they're gorgeous. Thank you.
My brother, Jonny...
All right, Pusface? Very good.
All right, Pissface? Oh!
Oh, I love your hair!
Thanks, I grew it myself.
She grew it herself!
Yes, Mum.
Well, come through.
Where's Dad?
Er... He's upstairs, just getting...
Who's that?
Excuse me.
Dad? Martin? Do you like ketchup?
What are you...? I trod in some
bloody dog shit. Eurgh! Lovely!
I'm the father, Martin Goodman.
Hello, Father Goodman.
Sodding thing...
I'm really sorry.
No, it's good so far!
I had to throw my bleeding sock away.
Sorry, but you are not washing
your disgusting foot in my sink.
But Jackie! Right, then...
No, Martin, we've got a guest.
Dad!
Ahhh...
Pleasure to meet you.
Hey! Sorry again, Emma.
It's OK, thanks. Now I know
where to find the foot bath!
Adam told me you had a lovely sense
of humour.
Did I?
What else has he told you?
Likes it from behind.
Um, and you have a sister?
Yeah, I do.
Oh, I would have loved
to have had...
..girls.
Evening, everyone. Hello.
Father Goodman.
You all right now? What?
Oh, apologies for before, only,
you know, dog faeces and...
Um, Emma was just saying
she has a sister. Yeah.
Yes, we wanted girls. We know.
So, how long's it been, then? It?
Your courtship?
Excellent.
Oh, we have been
courting for precisely...
Eight weeks?
No, nine weeks!
Oh, yeah. Nine weeks!
Ah, how lovely.
What?
Oh, the hands.
Yes, they're holding hands.
Great.
Oh, did you see that programme the
other night, the one with the hands?
Um, might need a few more details.
Yes, could you be more vague?
It was all about murder
within the family.
Oh, not this now.
Well, the man that did it
had these great big hands.
Rrrr! Thank you, Martin.
Has anyone in your family
been murdered?
Um, no, not yet.
Although sometimes I'd quite like
to strangle my sister.
Well, the hardest part
isn't the actual killing.
It's working out what to do next.
Also available
for children's parties...
The best thing would be to put
your sister's body in the bath... OK.
..then turn on the taps, pour in
loads and loads of washing powder.
Seriously... Washing powder?
Yes, it acts as an acid, so all
the flesh on your sister's body
would be stripped off quite soon.
Dad!
Then all you have to do is burn
or grind down her bones.
Welcome to the family.
Brilliant!
Brilliant!
Just no more murder stuff,
all right?
Yes. Or burning bodies.
Ohh! What am I meant to talk about?
Anything, just not murder
or burning bodies.
I suppose I could always talk to
her about physics.
Does she like physics?
No-one likes physics.
No-one likes physics? Are you mad?!
What about the principles
of magnetism? She must like magnets.
Bye-bye.
Can't we just burn HIS body?
Can I be of any hindrance?
Oh, thanks, sweetie. Um,
if you could maybe take this in...
OK, thanks. Oh,
have you got a straw?!
Save some for me!
Adam? What?
Mum!
Ooh, she is a lovely girl!
Lovely girl.
Get off!
Go inside.
Mum, do you think Adam'll
marry that girl?
Ignore him, Bobble.
Thanks, Mum.
Do you think you'll marry that girl?
Dad just ate ketchup
straight from the bowl.
He did.
Starters.
Have I got any on my face?
Only in your ear.
And here's the chicken.
Oh, lovely, Jackie.
Yeah, lovely bit of squirrel!
Ooh!
Emma, you'll have to have
a tour of the house later.
OK, cool.
Maybe Adam can show you
his old room.
I'm definitely not showing
you my old room. Aww... Why not?
Because I'm not 12 any more.
I always forget
he's been through puberty.
So what are you hiding up there,
then? Just dead bodies!
Sorry.
Ooh! That's the other woman!
Ha-ha!
It's all right, I know about her!
Take whatever you want, love.
Thank you.
You all right? Um...
OK?
What? Yeah, fine. Just... work.
Sorry, just one moment.
Yeah, one moment.
Boys?
So, Emma... Yes?
Do you like magnets?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What?!
This is not happening.
What is not happening?
OK. Oh, my God.
You mustn't tell anyone.
Your penis needs to be removed?
Seriously, you must not tell Emma.
HER penis needs to be removed?
All right. I've just been sent this.
Whoa!
"Hi, Hotness. Kiss, kiss, kiss."
Who is she?
Emma's sister. Her sister?!
Shh!
So, what, have you been...?
No, of course I haven't been...
So, she just randomly sent you that?
Yeah, I mean, she texted me once before
and she was, you know, friendly, but...
Not quite as friendly as that?
Oh, God. It's probably a mistake.
Yeah, I mean, who would want to
show YOU their body. Exactly.
"Hi, Adam. It's Emma's sister.
"Like what you see?"
That's probably not a mistake.
Why would she do that?!
Why would she...?
Everything all right?
Yep! Cool. Cool.
What you looking at? Porn?!
Porn!
What? No, just some...
Football... football.
You hate football.
Yeah, that's why we were looking
at it. It was... Hateful.
Definitely not being strange.
What am I going to do?
I don't know, but...
But what?
Can you... send me that?
It's really delicious.
Thanks, love.
Are you OK? Hm?
You're not eating anything.
Yeah, Adam!
Sorry. It's lovely, Mum.
So, Emma, Adam was telling me
all about your sister.
Excuse me.
He said she's really nice.
Yeah, she is,
but we're quite different.
Are you? Mm.
She's very shy. Shy...
Sorry.
Another one!
You're popular tonight, Adam.
Yeah! Isn't he? Isn't he?
Um, just... work.
I'll get it. Stay there. I'll go.
Seriously, is everything all right?
Yeah, babe.
I was saying before to your female.
Dad! Your "female"!
That the Indians are currently building
the world's most powerful magnet.
That IS what he was saying.
What are they building it for?
To attract metal, you imbecile.
OK. Actually, I've a couple of
pretty big magnets up in the loft.
I can show you them later.
Um...
You definitely won't be murdered.
Everyone, we have a special guest
for dinner.
This is Katie.
Hello, Katie.
Katie's here because her mummy -
Susan from round the corner -
had to go and see Katie's grandma
in hospital all of a sudden.
So,
we're all looking after her tonight.
Really? Sh.
Evening ruined.
You remember Adam, don't you?
He used to baby-sit for you
when you were little.
Hi, Katie. Hello, Adam.
Fancies you.
Come and sit down.
Well, say hello.
Oh, yes, good evening.
Martin Goodman.
Martin, she's an 8-year-old girl,
not a 55-year-old businessman.
Actually, I'm nine in June.
And another one!
Sorry.
You all right?
What? Oh, just more work...
Can I play with your phone?
Um, not now.
But you used to let me
play games on your phone.
Go on, Adam, let Katie play games
on your phone. No, thank you.
Not fair! Not fair!
Right, what would you like to eat?
- Who's she?
- Me?
- That's Adam's female.
- Yes, I'm Adam's "female".
Um, she's my girlfriend. I'm Emma.
- But she's ugly.
- Thank you.
Katie!
"She's ugly"!
Martin! Well, I like ugly girls.
Sorry. I mean...
Well done.
Sorry about this, love.
You were saying about your sister.
Who's very shy. Well, yeah, she's...
Can I be your girlfriend? Oo-er!
Um... why don't you eat
your potatoes?
I don't like them. Why not?
I don't like the bones.
There's no bones in potatoes.
You're stupid.
Yes, he IS stupid, isn't he?
You're funny. Thank you.
And handsome.
Ooh! Careful! Yeah, careful!
Where are you going?
Come and sit down now.
Um, hello...
Can I put some make-up on you?
Nah. Can I hold your hand?
Oo-er again!
Mum?!
Sit down now, Katie.
Yeah, go on, Katie.
OK.
Give it back! Bad luck, Adam. Adam!
Give me back my bloody phone!
Um, Adam...
Adam! Give it back!
Katie, you little....
Give it back! No!
- Open up!
- I'm doing a wee-wee.
What is the matter with you?
It's my phone.
So? What's she going to do to it?
Eat it?
No, she doesn't like the bones.
Are you all right?
You're a lunatic! I'm fine.
Give it bloody back!
Here's your phone.
Good girl.
Now, come and sit down, darling.
She knows.
She knows!
All right, Pusface? God!
What are you going to do?
I don't know, but her sister's
just got rid of the bikini.
Blimey!
She's obsessed.
Well, you are gorgeous!
Jonny! I'll have to tell Emma.
Good idea - tell your girlfriend.
"I've got naked photos
of your sister, please dump me."
Oh, shit.
All right, bambinos? Hello.
That Emma's a smashing female.
"Female".
And a nice-sized chest. Dad!
Um, did you know that upstairs,
there are 26 door knobs?
What?
Katie just made us count them all.
Twice.
Um, where is Katie?
Er, living room... 26!
Excuse me one sec.
Now, that's funny.
I'd always counted 28.
Right, Katie. Hi, Adam.
I don't know what you saw,
but you'd better not tell Emma.
What do you mean?
What you saw on my phone.
I didn't see anything on your phone.
Really?! You didn't...
you didn't see the...? What?
Nothing. Um... OK... great.
Ignore me. Thanks. Thank you.
Oh!
Do you mean the girl in the bikini?
What?
Photos of Emma's sister.
Oh, God. Um...
Please don't say anything. OK.
You promise? I promise.
Oh!
Thanks, Katie. Phew!
Can we play now?
Um, later, later...
But I want to play now.
Sorry, Katie, I can't now.
Then I'll tell your girlfriend
about the photos.
But...
..you just promised you wouldn't.
Emma! OK, OK! I'll do it!
Whatever you want!
There. Thank you.
Doesn't he look pretty?
Yeah.
Beautiful. Mwah!
Get off!
See you later, "Hotness".
He DOES look beautiful, doesn't he?
Yeah, Katie, he looks really... nice.
Well done.
Adam, I'm going to see
if your mum needs any help.
Yeah. Thanks, Katie,
that was really... fun.
It's a bit much, isn't it?! Is it?
You look like a prostitute.
A good-looking prostitute or
a bad-looking...? Shall we...?
Adam?
Sorry, Katie,
we're going to see his mummy now.
Yeah. I'll tell.
Shall we?
Um, you go through,
Emma, I won't be a sec.
Really?!
What? I want to play some more.
And then I went to university,
um, Manchester.
Woof, woof!
Oh, Manchester?
Woof! What is he doing in there?
Adam?! Woof!
They've been in there for some time.
Haven't they?
Good doggy!
Hold on a second, love.
So, shall I get the magnets?
Come on, doggy, walkies!
Woof, woof.
Er, Adam?
Hi, Mum. Keep going.
Woof, woof.
What are you doing?
Yeah, it's a little bit complicated.
Your girlfriend's been
sitting in there for ages.
I'M his girlfriend.
Hi, is everything...?
Oh, hi, Emma.
He just really likes kids.
Right.
Oh, my God! Jonny!
Facebook!
OK. Emma!
Get off!
Can I just say,
you're behaving really weirdly.
Am I? Adam, she's eight years old.
I'm nine in June. She's nine in June.
It's my sister. Your sister?
Hi, Helen.
OK, Katie, we've played enough now.
But I want to be your girlfriend.
Well, maybe in a few years.
Can I hold your hand?
What?! Just for a little bit.
Really?
And you won't tell Emma anything?
No.
Promise? Promise. PROMISE promise?
PROMISE promise.
But don't let go. Why?
If you let go of my hand, I'll tell
her what I saw on your phone.
But...
Everything OK?
Yeah, can I have a word?
Sure.
Hey.
OK, I know you like kids,
but this is ridiculous.
Ridiculous?
For Chrissakes, Adam, I'm your
girlfriend - come and talk to me!
Yeah, sure, sure.
Absolutely, absolutely.
Right...
Emma! Where are you going?
Yes, where are you going?
I'm going to the toilet.
Is that allowed?!
I did it again.
Yes, all good, love.
She's been... really... fun.
Yes! Three kittens!
Bye.
Katie, sweetheart, why don't you sit
over here with me for a bit?
No, we like it here, don't we?
Er...
I'll go. You two have fun!
Oh, hi, Jim.
Hello, Jack... Adam.
Jonny.
Yes, no, I just wanted to apologise
to your family for all the...
..that Wilson's been doing
round here.
Oh, OK, I'll tell them.
Is your mother in?
She's a bit tied up.
Tied up?
What? No, she's busy.
Adam's girlfriend's here.
Ah, young love.
Yeah. So...
Actually, Jim,
talking of young love,
you ought to know
that Adam's girlfriend
is quite a bit younger than him.
I see.
Yes, in our culture...
The Jewish culture?
That's right... kind of allowed.
Well, there's nothing wrong
with an age difference.
I once went out with a lady
who was 35 years older than me.
Did you?
Oh, no,
I'm getting confused with my mother.
Would you like to meet her?
Oh, yes, we would.
Katie, do you want to come
and see a real doggy?
How exciting.
Oh, a doggy!
There they are - Adam and Katie.
Hi, Jim.
Hel... hello...
Hello, doggy! What's your name?
Wilson. Good doggy.
You've painted your nails.
When you marry me,
can we get a doggy? Um...
Listen, Adam, I think
it's probably best if I go.
I'm very happy for you both.
You make a lovely couple.
Shalom. Shalom.
OK, I'm going to head off.
What? Why are you going?
Because every time
I try and talk to you,
you're holding a little girl's
bloody hand.
Rude word. Emma, I told you,
it's only a bit of fun.
Fun?! How is this fucking fun?!
Ruder word. Ugh! What's going on?
Sorry, Jackie, but I've got to go.
What? Where are you going?
But Emma...
You let go!
Oh, piss off! Adam!
Another rude word.
Emma, please. I'm sorry, OK?
You're sorry?
Yeah, it's really complicated. I...
Oh, shit! Ugh!
Oh, bloody hell!
Are you all right, Bobble?
Excuse me. Argh!
Oh, my God, are you OK?
- Adam? My head!
- Pusface?
Martin, get a cloth.
Jonny - a plaster. OK, Mum.
Katie, go inside. Adam, are you OK?
I think I need my puffer. My puffer!
Your what?
His asthma thing -
there's one upstairs. OK!
Where is it? On his desk, his old
bedroom. First room on the right!
What's that?
His puffer,
Emma's getting it from his room.
Is she?
Does this help? No!
Huh!
Um...
I'm just getting his...
He just really likes tits.
Here. Thanks.
What?
Your bedroom...
What?!
Emma! What are all these texts?
I...can't explain?
What is going on?
Goodbye, Adam. Emma?! Don't...
..go.
So, can I be your girlfriend NOW?