Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 9 - Lou Wants to Be a Millionaire - full transcript

Louis starts to fantasize about passing the Cattleman's Ranch torch to Eddie but is worried about his menu choices; Jessica is still struggling to get on board with Emery's new hobby; Louis scores a spot on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire."

Which celebrity likes
their dumps like a truck?

Is it "A," Jerry Seinfeld,

"B," Sugar Ray,

"C," Sisqó,

or "D," Frankie Muniz?

Muniz is a sedan man.

"C," Sisqó.

And you're correct.

The answer
is "C," Sisqó!

Dad, you got it right.

And not just because
the answer's always "C."

I really knew it.

You should be on "Who
Wants to be a Millionaire."

No, they'd never pick me for TV.

I got the hair,
but not the pull.

But Mommy wason
"Wheel of Fortune."

Oh, Evan.

You need to stop comparing
my life to your father's.

Besides, the Wheel
takes physical skill.

"Millionaire" is just knowing
lots of stuff.

She's got you there, Pops.

Eh, your mom's right.

There's no way
they'd select me.

I'd have to call in,
pass the screening process,

then out of thousands
and thousands of callers,

be one out of only ten chosen.

I'm sorry, boys,
but there's no chance

that I can make it
on the show.

I made it on the show.

I made it on the show!

Hello, Regis.

Hello, Louis.
You made it.

It's time to play
"Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

Those nervous gulps
are good.

Keep them up.

Adds to the tension.


Captions by VITAC...

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Season 06 Episode 09
Title :"Lou Wants to Be a Millionaire"

Before we begin, how about
you introducing yourself to America?

Oh, uh, hi.

Uh, my name is Louis Huang.

I'm a father to three boys,

lover of sunflower seedsin salads......

No mention of...

...and a husband to a
smart and beautiful wife.

Well, at least
he got one answer right.

And what do you do
for work, Lou?

Oh, I'm a, uh,
business consultant

and owner of, uh,
Cattleman's Ranch,

located just off
I-4in East Orlando.

A double threat.

Like my girl, Kathie Lee.

Well, actually, I couldn't do
it without my oldest son, Eddie.

Uhhh, disaster.
Look at these spots.

We got to throw these outbefore
they infect the knives.

Dude, chill.

You just gotta add rinse agent
to the dishwasher.

This is what brought downthe
Sizzler in my hometown.

Good work, Eddie.

Way to protect
that silver.

I got you, Dad.

Eyes on the coin.

In fact, I went through
the books,

and our profits are up 10%.

Really? How?

I-I mean, good.

I saw that if we cut back
on the garnishes,

we can save
three centsper plate.

And also I gave
the staffsome new incentives.

- Like what?
- Well, every time

a table orders
more than four appetizers,

I perform my patented belly-roll
for them.

Oh, smart.

I am loving this initiative,

Thanks, Dad. I know you've
beenso busy with consulting,

so I've been upping
my game.

I am down for that.



Eddie, we got a fifth appover here.

Give me a second, Dad.

I gotta do my thing.

Abs and apps!

- Abs and apps!
- Abs and apps!

Abs and apps!

Abs and apps!

So, Louis,
you ready to play?

You bet your ass I am!

Family show,
and away we go!


Regis Philbin.

Regis "I Can Smile While I Talk" Philbin.

Did you know he's spent
more hours on screen

than anybody in history?

Sitting in front of a camera
is not an achievement.

You know
who else does that?

Newborns and safari animals.

Both surprisingly lazy.


You spend three nights
stalking prey

through the Serengeti.


Enough distractions.

I need to focus
to prevent your father

from losing a million dollars.

I'm going to signal to him
the answers,

but he's terrible
at charades.

The only sign he knows
is the hand phone.

Between your dad and security
confiscating my purse snacks,

we're off to a rough start.

Apparently, your idol Regis
can't "work"

if there's a crunch sound
in the audience.

As a fellow actor,
I get it.

You need quiet to focus
on your craft.

Craft? This is just
reading words out loud.

You have
three lifelines...

50:50, Ask-the-Audience,
and Phone-a-Friend,

where you can call anyone
for help.

I already got my guy.

Got my encyclopedias,
got my phone.

I should practice.

Quick, Grandma,
say a word.

Something PG.




Garfield, James A.

20th President
of the United States.

grumpy comic strip cat.

Fastest book hands
in the East.

All I have to is keep
the phone lines clear

- and I'll be...
- Hi, I'm Alistair Cain the Science Brain,

and for the next hour only,

you can call and ask me
any science question you want.

All proceeds go
to Florida Public Television.

The conversation
will be electric.


Alistair Cain
the Science Brain?

He's the only person
in the world with a PhD

and a Florida
Kids' Choice Award.

Why now?

I could ask him
to peer review

my fruit fly project
for the science fair.

I would like to peer review
his buns.

Let's play "Millionaire."

First question is
always a gimme.

Little cookie
for the dum-dums.

Louis, for $100,

at what temperature
does water boil?

32 degrees Fahrenheit,

"B," 0 degrees Celsius,

"C," 100 degrees Celsius,

or "D," the temperature
of the sun?

Oh, God.
Which is it?

Emery, quick, what's
the temperature of the sun?

Think, Louis.
You know this.

Did you guys not hear
the kettle?

It's been at 100 degrees
Celsiusfor three minutes.

Grandma's teaching me
to make bao zi.

It's sick! Look!

Perfect consistency,

like a lamb's scrotum.

Okay, Ma.

Eddie, you've shown a lot
of devotion to cooking lately.

Taking notes?
And footnotes?

Grandma's never written down
a recipe,

so I thought it'd be good
to get them down in case sh...

Just in case.

You know, if you keep up
this initiative,

I may pass the restaurant on
to you one day.

You'll hand me the baton?

I didn't do rhythmic gymnastics
in college for nothing.

Well, I know it's notthe sun.

How do you know that?
Call Evan.

Regis, I'm gonna gowith
"C," 100 degrees Celsius.

Final answer.

You're heating up, Louis,

because that's correct.



How did I not know that?

Maybe you got
stage fright.

It's normal
for amateur thespians.

No, you know what it is?

My stolen purse almonds.

I can't think
without my Omega-6s.

Or is it Omega-3s?

Ah, I need
my healthy fats.

Louis Huang just won $100,

and we'll be right back
after this.

That's a break, everyone.

I need to find
a vending machine

before your father loses
all our money.

I'll go with you.
I want to drop off my headshots

around the studio.

"Brooding" for drama.

And "wacky" for comedy.

What took you so long?

This nut bag got stuck
in the coil,

and I had to spend
another 35 cents to get it out.

We're here to win
a million dollars,

not $999,999
and 30 cents.

Great math, Mom.

Those nuts really helped.

I'm back, baby.

Sorry, ma'am.

No re-entry
once you leave the stage.

What? We can't go back in?

Hold on. I've got a "shocked"
in here somewhere.

Oh, no. The rest of these
are just "flirty playful."

Oh, I love
a fresh powder.

I feel like
Marie Antoinette.

So, a steakhouse,
eh, Lou?

With all the grills,
it must get hot.

Steaming hot, Regis.

Dad, check it out.

I put some burger pieces

inside the baofrom Grandma's recipe.

Half Chinese,
half American.

A fusion dish I callthe Cow Bao.

Nice name.
Rhyme time is dine time.

You mentioned how muchyou
liked me taking initiative.

I love it. I thought we
could put thison the menu.

No, absolutely not.

Just so you know,
your chair can spin.

Mine can't.
They put a lock on it.

Otherwise, I'd be doing 360s
all day.

I got the wiggles.


It does spin.

Alright, Louis,

for $1,000,

what is the common phrase
for lateral epicondylitis?

- Ohh.
- "A," Tennis Elbow,

"B," Captain's Knee,

"C," Horizontal Dinosaur,

or "D," Hangover?

Lateral epicondylitis?
I've heard that term before.

Wait, Dad, I thought
you wanted me to step up.

What's wrong with putting
my Cow Bao on the menu?

I don't want to mess
with what's working.

Cattleman's has been
around for five years now.

Well, you know what's been around
for longer than five years?

Thousands of years of history,

which, if you believe
her stories,

Grandma's been around
for half of.

Eddie, we're a Western steakhouse.

An Asian fusion dish
isn't our brand.

Come on, Dad.
I thought you wanted

to pass me
the restaurant baton.

You're kinda being
a control freak.

No, I'm not being
a control freak.

It's just that runninga
restaurant is a business.

Every menu item has been
thoroughly researched

and taste-tested,
mostly by you.

I have
a photographic tongue.

I remember every taste.

Eddie, I love
your enthusiasm,

but if you're gonna take
over the restaurant,

there's an entire business side
you have to learn.

I hear you, Pops.

Trent, what's with the wing?

Sorry, boss. I don't think
I can work today.

Lateral epicondylitis.

- Ooh.
- Bummer.

What's lateral epicurious?

Tennis elbow.

I tried to wrestle
the remote from Trish

and, well, here we are...
Lateral epicondylitis.

Trent, you hefty matchstick,
you better be right.

Uh, lateral epicondylitisis
"A," Tennis Elbow.

Final answer.

Are you Serena Williams?

Because you aced it!




We gotta get in there.

You go left,
I'll go right.

He'll take one us,
but the survivor

will always remember
the other.

I've got a better idea.

We're gonna act
our way in.

Me? Act?

I am no monkey.

Honestly, Mom,
I'm surprised you're not

more on board
with acting.

It's basically

You bought yourself
five seconds. Go.

You put on a performance
and control the audience...


Okay, let's act our way in.

I may have to smile.
Don't be alarmed.

So, I need to call Alistair
Cainthe Science Brain,

but I have to keep the
line openin case Dad calls.

So, can I use your phone?

Yeah, sure.
But remember this

next time I want to borrow
one of your belts.

Hey, kid.
Think fast.

Oh, man.

Just what the world needs
another indoor kid.

Wait, which one is ours?

Why are these phones

Oh, your mom found
a killer two-for-one deal

on cordless phones.

She got them
and gave me one...

for $5 off full price.

Why is Mommy such a genius?

Louis, for $8,000,

how many hearts
does an octopus have?

Is it "A," two,

"B," three,

"C," eight,

or "D," 30?

Where have I seen
an octopus?

An octopus
has three hearts,

so it represents
the three loves of my life...

My son, CB radio,
and octopus.

That's very strange, Chestnut.

Oh, uh,
lower back tattoos

were actually very masculine
in the '80s.

They called them
"champ stamps."

Pops, I thought
about what you said

and did some research
on why the Cow Bao

will work
at Cattleman's.

It's the year 2000.

Fusion is hot right now.

There's a 63% uptick
in Asian cuisine popularity.

People are learning
that dumplings

aren't just a term
of endearment.

You ran these numbers?

I did. You know how we cut
our square burger patties

to make them circles?

We can use the corner meat
for the Cow Bao.

We're literally
cutting corners.

Okay, but this is
a big swing, Eddie.

I'm not sure our clientelewill
be able to adjust.

I thought the same thing.

So I put it to the test.

How much
are these Cow Baos?

$10? $20?

I'd pay a hundred.

This is gold.

Fusion, huh?

I feel so cultured.

The bun catches
the meat juice,

and the name catchesmy imagination.

Gotta put this on the menu, boss.

Okay, sure. Why not?
Let's add it.

♪ Yeah

To think,
this all started

with a little bit of meat
that fell on the floor.

we need an answer.

How many hearts does
an octopus have?

Oh, uh, sorry.

Um... "B," three.

Final answer.

This guy might have
three brains because...

he's right!


Just follow my lead.

Oh, hi, there, Ronnie.

It's just me,
old tired lighting technician, Gary.

I need to go back
there and fix spotlight 43.


She's trouble, man.

Alright, come in.

Uh, w-who's
your friend here?

My colleague, Esther.

She grew up on
a soybean farmand...

Colleague? No, no.

I am the boss.

What George was saying...

Gary... was a lie.

He's my assistant.

I don't have colleagues.

I have employees.

Employees who lie.

What are you doing?


I changed the script
because it's not believable

that we're colleagues.
I birthed you.

He was
about to let us in.

Was he?

Honestly, I don't know
why you like acting so much.

It's fun.

It's a waste of time.

Oh. Okay.

Sorry, Ronnie,
I just need to get back there

and fix 43 before it
becomes a problem for Regis.

Oh, man, this is light 64
all over again.

Come on in.

Hey, wait.

What about her?

She's not with me.

George, wait!

Okay, Marvin's gonna call

from the cellular phonein his car,

and then we'll know
which phone is which.

Dad? Regis?

It's Marvin

on the car phone,
with my car Scotch.

Sounds like your problem.

- Mm-hmm. Hey.
- Yeah.

Better do a quick test and see
if the "Millionaire" lifeline

is still getting a signal.

Here's my question,
Science Brain...

That globe work
on your man parts?


Mm, question answered.

get off the phone.

After a quick break,
Louis will be going for $32,000.

Break time.

Hey, since we have
a second here,

let's meet your family.

Oh, sure thing.

They're right over, uh...

Eddie, come here.

Oh, Louis,
is this your father?

I'm kidding.

So tall.

You must be Eddie.

You help at the restaurant.

Sure do,
Mr... Reeg.

We've got a new fusion dish
I've been working on.

It's a steamed bun
with burger meat inside it...

The Cow Bao.Wow.

I'm hungry
for a Cow Bao now.

Maybe you can mention it
on air.

I love it.

The filler they write for me
is garbage.

Oh, no, that's too kind.
We don't need you to do that.

But it'd be great publicity.

How many people watch
this show?

About 28 million.

- What?
- Daaamn!

Dad, come on.

Uh, better to just
keep our heads down

and let our food
do the talking.

We don't want
to over-promise.

Why not?

I don't want
to false advertise.

How is it
false advertising?

Because it's not going
on the menu.


So I was right.
You area control freak!

No, I just don't want some dumb
Chinese dish on our menu.

And, uh, we're back.

Folks, due to some
technical difficulties

that don't involve contestants
and their sons,

we'll return after this.

Now, there's nothing
more important

than a parent-child

so I want you two
to figure this out.

You've got 90 seconds.

I don't get it.

Are you ashamed
of Chinese food?

Of our culture?

No, of course not.
It's just...

I thought you were being
a control freak,

but it's even worse
than that.

You're a sellout.

I'm sorry.

This can't be done.

Ronnie, look at me.

Do you like salty snacks?

Let me in,
and we'll talk.

I can't.

Fixed the light,
but Regis needs you

to bounce a guy
in Section G.

Crunchy snacks.
I'll cover for you.

My God.

Thanks for coming
back to get me. Let's go.

I came back because I wanted to talk.

Fun fact... you can talk anywhere.
Now let's go.

I'll only let you in
if you admit

acting is not a waste
of time.

It means a lot to me, Mom.

Acting is not
a waste of time.

Then why do you always
insult it?

I guess I never
liked you acting

because... well,
Inever liked it.

To me, acting is justpeople lying,

which my father did too much
of when I was growing up.

He would disappear
for months on end,

only to return
smelling like women's perfume

and cheap booze.

How could he do that to Mom,
to all of us?

I never knew that.

That's because
I made it up.

Did you just...
manipulate me?

No, I just acted you.

Truth is, I know how many people

try to make it as an actor
and fail,

and I don't want you
to go through that.

But if you decide
acting's what you want,

I can act like
I'm okay with it.

Colleague Gary.

Thanks, Esther.

It's good
to have fake names

should your father
embarrass us out there.

Louis, let's tackle a problem
I can actually solve.

Are you really ashamed
to serve Chinese food?

No, of course not.

I guess it goes
back to when

I was first startingmy restaurant.

Another strip club,

It's a shame.

They had a great
iceberg wedge.

Anyway, thought it'd be great
for your restaurant.

- Mm. I don't know.
- I...

Uh, I know what you're
thinking, and I already checked.

The poles
are not structural.

Then I guess it could work.

I'm really gonna
start a restaurant.

What are you gonna call it?

Chinese Wok?
Bamboo Gardens?

Uh, why would you assume...

No, you're right.
Terrible pitches.

No... Ooh!
Wok Gardens?

No. Garden Bamboo.

I am not opening
a Chinese restaurant.

I am opening the most
American of all restaurants...

A western-themed

Yee-haw! I love it.

So, are the fortune cookies
gonna look like

little cowboy hats?

I'm not a sellout.

I didn't want people to assumel'd
open a Chinese restaurant

just because
I'm Chinese.

I'm American, too.
So are my boys.

I want them to know they're
morethan just one thing.

Seems like Eddie got
the message.

What do you mean?

Your boy's making
Chinese cheeseburgers.

He's embracing
being Chinese and American.

A fusion.

Thanks for the talk, Regis.

That's why Regis
asks the questions.

We're back. Louis, next question
is for $32,000.

What part of a computer
processes memory?

Is it "A," monitor,

"B," RAM,

"C," hard drive,

or "D," gizmos?

Mm. Well, I know monitors, RAMs,
and gizmos are all animals,

so... I might need some help
on this.

Regis, I'd like to use
my Phone-a-Friend

to call my son.

Grandma Jenny Huang,
get off the phone!

Shh! I stole this from your mother.

Thank God you're off the phone,

'cause Dad could call
any second.

Hello, Regis,

you're the best part
of my morning!

Hi, I'm a producer
at Warner Bros.

Calling for Emery Huang?

We got
his "brooding" headshot

and want him to audition
for a "Harry Potter" movie.

No, I'm trying to play

Never call again!

My oldest son,
Eddie Huang.

Eddie, I'm sorry.

I'm not ashamed
of being Chinese.

When I started the restaurant,
I wanted to be seen as American,

but now I realize it doesn't
have to be one or the other,

and that's a lesson
you didn't even have to learn,

and that makes me happy.

When the time comes,

I'd be honored if you took over
Cattleman's Ranch.

Which is located off
the I-4in East Orlando.

And now proudly serves
the Cow Bao.

Louis, beautiful.

Just beautiful.

You have
five seconds left.

Oh, um... Eddie,
what do you think?

It's as you said,
Dad... the answer is always "C."

Thanks, son.

Regis, "C," hard drive.
Final answer.

Oh, Lou.

I've enjoyed
our time together,

but the answer is...

"B," RAM.

But hey, more important
than winning $32,000

is winning back your son,

- Totally.
- Totally.

I can't believe you used
your lifeline on Eddie.

His crowning achievement
is sneezing and farting

at the same time
and then calling it a "snart."

Sorry for losing
a million dollars, guys.

You were nowhere
near a million.

Don't worry, Louis.
Money isn't everything.



Seven orders of Cow Baos.

Eddie, you owe us
a belly roll later.

Please, because Chestnut's
been filling in.

You ordered the turf.
I'm providing the surf.

Here you go.

Phone call for you,
Grandma H.


Jenny, I'm outside.

I got the globe.

Synchronized by srjanapala