Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 8 - TMI: Too Much Integrity - full transcript

I'm just... I'm so excited
to tell you guys...

Louis, when's it your turn
to speak?

I'm on a tight schedule,
and I can't waste time

listening to these HOA ladies
squawk about "community spirit."

Soon.

And while summering
in Tuscany...

You were there
for four days. In May.

I noticed the locals

sitting in the piazza
all day long,

which inspired the theme
for our new median.

Say buon giorno...
to Piazza del Eastview.



And it's more than just
a traffic diversion.

It is neutral territory
for community bonding.

"Community."

I mean, we're gonna have
a ribbon-cutting ceremony

- next week and...
- Okay, we get it, lady.

Let's move on.

Okay,
next item on the agenda,

I believe we have
a Louis Huang?

Thanks, son.

Uh, hey everyone.

Many of you know me
as the peppy owner

of, uh, Cattleman's Ranch,

the award-winning steakhouse
located right off I-4,

uh, now offering a chopped Cobb.



Um, but today, I'd like
to reintroduce myself

as Louis Huang,
business consultant

and founder
of Lou For You Consulting.

- Ugh.
- Enh.

Uh, still finding the name.

Uh, after weeks
of soul searching,

I found my purpose...

Helping others realize
their small-business dreams.

And I'm relying on referrals
from people like you...

Well, what kind of
profit margins

are we talking about
here?

Um, I'm just starting,

so it must be somewhere
around zero.

Oof.

What have you done
to promote your business?

Uh, well, there's this.

Uh, and an e-commerce conference
coming up.

Oh! My mother's
Mahjong tournament.

Different ballrooms,
same Radisson.

I am so excited for this
new chapter of your life, Louis.

What are your Q3
profit projections?

You tied up in assets,
or are you free to move?

How robust
is your client portfolio?

Uh...

Um, w... Uh...

S... I-I-I-I don't know yet,
but, um...

Well, if you don't have
any clients,

you're not
a real business, Louis.

Get out of here.

Captions by VITA...

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin'

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪
*FRESH OFF The BOAT*

Season 06 Episode 08
Episode Title :"TMI: Too Much Integrity"

Synchronized by srjanapala

Honey, I know it's hard
to get out with two little ones,

so I brought you something
to nibble on...

Slab of ribs
and our famous chopped Cobb.

Thanks, Louis.

I'm always happy to help.
It's kinda my thing.

Or it was before Deidre
crushed my dreams.

Well, that's kinda
Deidre's thing.

That and a Mariah-level
cackle.

Well,
she very publicly noted

that my new consulting business
has no clients and no money.

Technically,
we're in the red

since printing
these business cards.

This a business card

or an invitation
to a really weird party?

Yeah, I haven't landed
on a company name.

According to Deidre, I haven't
even landed on a company.

Tune her out.

She is just a bottle blonde
with low bone density.

That's easier said
than done.

Not really.

I use the same technique
for my girls.

When I need a break
and they refuse to nap,

I just shut off the baby monitor
for a few minutes.

Oh, God. Sorry.

TMI.

No, Jessica and I did
the same thing with the boys.

Only we didn't have
a baby monitor.

That's how we got hooked
on "Mork & Mindy."

More like "Mindy & Mork,"
if you ask me.

Oh, it is so good to hear

I'm not the only parent
who struggles.

I swear,
when it's not magical,

it's a waking nightmare.

Oh,
there's no middle ground.

It's either nirvana or a
sledgehammer to the crotch.

Yes.

I wish more parents would share
this kind of thing.

Hey, you should start a web log
on Live Diary.

I don't understand
any of those words.

It's a new Internet platform I
heard about at that conference.

People write posts to share
their thoughts anonymously.

Hmm. What I'm hearing is

I can do it
while wearing pajamas?

That sounds great.

Ooh, I could call it "TMI:

True Mommy Insights."

That's perfect.
I can help.

And now that we're
throwing around names,

what do you think about
Louniversal Consulting?

I'll leave that to Lou.

I don't get it.

I like hard tacos,

but I can fit more soft tacos
in my purse.

What are you guys
laughing at?

Is Marvin at it
with that stray cat again?

Don't plant berries if you don't
want mischievous kitties.

It's opening day
for Thanksgiving Turkeys

at the grocery store.

It's already
Turkey Tango Time?

The holiday season begins
when folks come together

and fight to the death
over big, frozen birds.

It was one
of the best years yet.

Tie-Dye Tim
brought a lasso.

A lasso!

- I can't believe this.
- Me, neither.

Tie-Dye Tim told me
he wasn't into rope stuff.

The boys and I have never missed
a Turkey Tango.

30 people, 15 turkeys.

Something's gotta give.

Ohh, Carol-Joan and Deidre

both have their claws
in a 20-pounder.

C-J, use the other hand to slap.

Ooh.
Ooh.

It is one of my favorite
shopping fights of the year.

It's like Thunderdome
without the dome.

And with an aisle.

Thunderaisle.

Why wouldn't they invite me?

They are at that age

where you are not interesting
to them anymore.

I am also at that age.

No, that's not it.

I've just been
so busy lately

with studying
and job applications.

They need a reminder that I can
be the life of the party.

I don't think you know
what a party is.

Ah.

"At the end of the day,
children are like silverware.

You don't have to clean them
that well...

Just get the food off."

Amazing first post.

And sticking your head
in the freezer

to muffle your screams
is a great tip.

Because sound doesn't travel
through cold air.

Publish it.

And we can track how many people
are reading

with the view counter.

One view.

Our first view!

Refresh the page.

Uh...
Two views. Click again.

- Three! You're famous!
- Oh!

Wait a second.
Wait, I think we're ticking up

the view counter.

- Four, five, six.
- Oh. Oh.

Um. Maybe we should just log off
for a while.

In the meantime, can I run
some new company names by you?

Or maybe we c...

Here we go.

Okay. Oh.

Sure, it's long,
but there's something about

C.S. Louis and the Chronicles
of Consulting that feels right.

I think we've waited
long enough.

Oh, my God, Louis.

100 views?!

Triple didgies!
Honey, you maternal genius!

This is great!

Oh, I'm so glad
you encouraged me to do this.

Me too.

See, this is why I started

Stand and DeLOUver
Consulting.

Who knew so many people
out there

would care
about my parenting problems?

Yeah.

It's an untapped market.

There were ones you chose
not to say?

I mean, at least
Lou Cheese Dressing is a pun.

So, that one?

You fools lace them up?

That's what
they want you to do.

Okay!

Who's ready for some fun?

What's happening?

Oh, no. The gas leak's
back again.

I know I've been busy
lately,

so I thought I'd set aside one
hour of concentrated fun time

for us
to spend together.

Say hello...

to the Family Fun
Activity Wheel!

Hello, Wheel!

See? Fun.

Is that just a chore wheel

but with "dusting"
crossed out

and "roast Grandma"
written in?

Oh, we were gonna go
to the ribbon cutting ceremony

for the piazza.

Apparently, "piazza"
is not "pizza" in Italian,

so I still have to learn
how to say "pizza" in Italian.

Carol-Joan's diving
into the Italian theme.

Marvin's gonna
teach everyone bocce.

Play on the dirt hill
later.

But the ribbon
will be cut.

Let's have
some quality time together.

Have some fun.
Spin the wheel.

Sorry, Ma.
Maybe next time.

I hear there's
a moozarelle tasting.

Mozzarelle!

"Spin again"?

Why is that on there?

So, uh, tech support,

how do I know which pop-ups
are viruses

and which ones really are $100?

Louis!

I have good news!

What's all this?!

"TMI" just hit
1,000 views.

Quaddie didgies?!

We're in the big leagues, baby!

Honey, that's incredible!

Perfect time for me to tell you
about my news.

I incorporated "TMI"
as a business.

You did?

And I'm taking you on
as my very first client.

Oh, I don't think
you have to...

Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup.
I know what you're thinking,

and I refuse to charge you
a single cent.

We're both real businesses now!

We are?

Unh-unh.

We're on the clock.

Okay, so,
first order of business...

Uh, marketing.

Wait.
Maybe we should order dinner.

It's 3:00
in the afternoon.

You didn't hire me to think
in the present.

You hired me
to think ahead.

You turned my blog
into a business?

But I'm just doing "TMI"
for fun.

Well, what's more fun
than a tax-sheltered,

limited liability S-corp?

As a business,
we can reach more parents.

Wow, you did a lot
of unsolicited work.

The hard part was sneaking
into Evan's room

and stealing
his graph paper.

He's a light sleeper.

Anyway,

I booked your very first
major promotional opportunity.

"Good Morning Orlando."

What?

But I'm not TV-ready.

I forgot what real pants
even feel like,

and I lost a Ricola in my hair
a week ago.

I saw it fall out
yesterday.

Okay, but, I mean,
online, I'm anonymous.

Exposing myself in real life
is scary.

More risk, more reward.

Starting my own business
was terrifying, too,

but I'm finally feeling good
about it,

especially now that I have
my very first client.

Okay,
there's no harm in trying.

Uh, there is
with crystal meth.

Boys! A grocery store in Sanford
just got their turkeys,

so I thought
we'd all go down and...

Why are you all dressed
like European hobos?

We're headed out
to the piazza.

We all caught
the bocce bug.

And I caught the toga bug.

I'm one safety pin away
from nudity,

and I love the thrill.

That fake park thing
is still going on?

How is that more fun than
spending time with your mother?

Carol-Joan's
scooping gelato!

Prego, boys!

No, wait.
You can't go.

- Why?
- Because...

it's racist.

Against Italians?

I guess it's a little
on the nose.

No, against us.

An Asian family moves
onto the block,

and suddenly, we need a median
to solve our "driving issues"?

Wake up.

Suddenly?

We moved here
six years ago.

And to be fair, we've had
our share of driving incidents.

Hey.

Feels like a reach.

You dilute the movement
with stuff like that, Ma.

Oh, my God.

Meatball's playing
"Ave Maria."

That's my jam.

Ciao bella, mamma mia.

Now that's racist.

If you want to spend time
with them,

then just go out there.

But I want quality time
with the boys,

not watch Carol-Joan
eat gelato and say,

"It's not as good
as it was on holiday."

She was hammered
the whole time.

Of course it was good.

You're trying too hard.

No wonder
they prefer the median.

It smells like grass,
not desperation.

You're right.

I must destroy
the median.

You always take
the wrong lesson.

Good morning, Orlando.

Gus and Mey-Mey
back at ya.

Two seconds in,
you're off-script.

This morning,
we have Honey Ellis,

the voice of popular
parenting Internet blog, "TMI!"

As a mother myself,
I love it.

Really?!
Oof.

Oh, that's wonderful
to hear.

I thought I was the only one
who ignored my kids.

Sometimes, I go days

pretending
I can't hear him.

Days?

You have a kid?

So, Honey, now,
what would you say

is the secret
behind "TMI's" success?

Well, I wouldn't be here
if it weren't for my friend

and business consultant,
Louis Huang.

He's backstage right now.

Oh, he's right
over there.

Oh.
Oh, he's coming over.

Oh, he mic'd himself.

Uh, hi. Thank you
for having me on.

You know, I've been
a business consultant for Honey,

who has
an original voice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah,

that's... that's...
That's great.

Now, uh, uh, uh, Mey-Mey.

Uh, how old is this kid
that I've never heard of?

Uh, 12.

12.

Now, Honey,
back to your blog.

No, back to the kid.

You and I took a cruise
12 years and 9 months ago,

and then
when we got back,

you swore off sushi
and took a sabbatical.

We're talking
about a blog.

No, we're talking
about my son!

We need to go to break.

Yes, we do need to go
to break,

but let's go to break
because I'd like to know...

what is his name?

I-I-I-Is he...

Hold this,
and flash 'em the goods.

Your teeth.

There.

According to maritime law,
that baby belongs to no one.

Hey, can you pipe down?

I'm working on an op-ed
for the newspaper.

How's this for a finish?

"In summary,
leave bocce to the Mafia.

Take down that median."

You are a fool
to invoke the mob.

Oh, no.

My parakeet said...

Can't you watch that
in your room?

I was here first.
I'm not moving.

Looks like
you're stuck with me.

Get there first!

Jenny, you're one for 1,000
on good ideas.

What about the time I attached
the vacuum to my wheelchair?

Two for 1,000.

All done
with today's blog post.

"The 55-Second Rule:

Why Floor Food is Better
for Everyone."

Unless it's pudding.

So hard to pick up.

Wow, you're really churning
these posts out.

I have been so inspired to write
since our readership tripled.

I'm so glad you convinced me
to go on TV.

I'm just doing my job.

Speaking of, maybe we put
a pin in that post

and instead do
a... baby food review.

It'll be easy.
You just have to include

these promotional
bullet points.

A baby food review?

They want me
to say "scrumdeeleeumpcious?"

I would rather scrumdeelee-stick
my head in the oven.

An oven full of cash.

Come on.

The advertising opportunities

have been pouring in
since your TV segment.

Don't you want
to make money?

Like a real business?

Thanks,
but I just want to write

what I want to write.

Hate to be that guy,

but Americans don't know
how to make coffee.

What coffee did you
go with, Eddie?

It's an Eddie-chino...

Melted Rocky Road
with a bean at the bottom.

- Hmm.
- Ma?

What are you doing here?

I'm getting my work done
outdoors.

You know
how I love the sun.

Can you do that
somewhere else?

We're about to play bocce.

No. I was here first,
and I'm not moving.

Got the bean.

"Dear TMI Honey.

Thanks for the review.

We think you're
scrumdeeleeumpcious, too."

So, a box popped up

offering me
a free trip to Cozumel.

I clicked on it, and then
four more boxes popped up,

so I clicked on those.

Now I have no tickets,
and my computer's frozen.

You published that
baby food review behind my back!

What about my post?

You're welcome, Honey.

For what?

For making your business
a success.

That's why you hired me,
right?

I never hired you.

You hired you.

But now I'm firing you.

Ohh, so sorry.

Did you mean to put me
on speakerphone?

I wasn't sure.

You're firing me as
your business consultant?

Why? Because you knew
I didn't want to post

that baby food review,
and you did it anyway.

Well, I saw you were nervous
about increasing

"TMI's" market share,

so I pulled the trigger
on that post...

Just like you were nervous
about being on TV,

and that turned out great.

And Gus and Mey-Mey are
co-parenting Little Monty.

But I didn't want
any of this.

Well,
don't you want this?

Now you can take
your mind off

the diaper budget
and focus on "TMI."

Louis, this is my blog,
not yours.

Well, I was only doing this
to help you.

Well, I'm only doing this
to help you.

You were so desperate
for a client,

I just went along with it.

Clearly that was a mistake.

Come on, Ma,
a-scootchie over.

Jessica, stop hogging
the piazza.

Yeah,
we have bocce finals.

Finals!

Well, I guess the, uh,
bocce ball tournament

has been postponed, folks,
so all bets are off.

You can see Meatball here
for a refund.

Sorry.

Excuse me.
I have to go. I have to go.

Now that we have the place
to ourselves,

maybe we can have
Family Fun Time out here!

We were already
having fun.

Until you showed up
and ruined it.

Not-a cool-a.

Hey, Jessica.

Brought you
some baby food.

Thought you might be hungry
but not want to chew.

This baby food
really is scrumdeeleeumpcious.

I don't get Honey.

I help her turn "TMI"
into a real business,

and then she fires me.

That's just Honey.

Some people are born
for business,

and other people were born

with skin
that smells like fruit.

It doesn't add up.

She was actually starting
to make money.

I know what this is.

The problem with Honey
is she has TMI...

Too Much Integrity.

She's never in it
for the money.

Our boys also have
a TMI problem...

Too Many Interests,

- and none of them are me.
- Oh, what do you mean?

All they want to do is play
bocce on this dumb piazza

instead of spending time
with me.

But I've been so busy lately,
I never get to see them.

If you want to spend time
with them,

do what interests them,

even if it happens
to be something

you've taken
an arbitrary stance against.

No one wants to eat
a mashed-up Thanksgiving meal.

I do.

You know, when you think
about it,

bocce is just
adult marbles.

I made you a lasagna to make up
for ruining dumb bowling.

I'm not eating carbs
this week.

It's still frozen.

Apparently it takes an hour
to bake,

and I didn't need that much time
to reflect.

Between studying
and the job hunt,

I've missed you guys.

Us too.

It's just weird
when you were jogging around,

making us spin a wheel.

It's forced.

Like when MTV tried
to make voting cool.

I know.

I just wanted you
all to myself.

But as long as we're together,
I am happy.

Even if Carol-Joan's
hitting the old grapes.

You know, Mommy,
you'd love bocce.

It means "boss" in Latin.

Yeah,
it's perfect for you...

Precision, competition,
violence.

You wanna come play
with us?

I do love violence.

Hmm.

Hey, Honey.
I was, uh, wondering

if I could use
your computer.

And give it a virus?

No, thanks.

I think I've had
enough consulting.

I want to show you
the latest "TMI" post.

You took down the review
and posted

my "55-Second Rule" piece
instead?

I was wrong
to sell out your blog.

That's not you.

I know you just wanted
to help.

I got so caught up trying
to prove I could be successful,

I forgot the job is supporting
someone else and their dreams.

Thanks, Louis.

You are great
at what you do.

I know
you are gonna make

a small-business owner so happy
one day.

Well,
you've gotta keep blogging.

It's so good, and you've got
such a relatable voice.

Oh, yeah,
I'm not stopping.

I've got so many ideas.

The other day, I wore a diaper,
and it was magical.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah!

Ooh. Guess what?

I finally thought
of a good company name...

All About Lou Consulting.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah!

Or what about just
Louis Huang Consulting?

Wow.

Are you not entertained?!

And that's game.

Jessica wins!

You killed it, Ma!

Clear out, people!
This median was constructed

without a permit.

Bulldozers
are on their way.

What?!
Who snitched?

There was an anonymous op-ed
in the newspaper.

I bet
it was Carol-Joan.

No, it wasn't me.

Well, it was good
while it lasted.

Arrivederci, bocce.

No way. Let's continue
this thing in our backyard.

Sorry,
Huang family only.

Boys, grab the gelato cart.
Let's go.

Bring on the bulldozer.

Jim, bring in the bulls.