Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 7 - Practicum?! - full transcript

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Unprompted Mandarin?

What do you want?

I already told you
we are not getting a monkey.

We already have to take care
of your grandma.

Fine, but there's an autograph
signing at the mall this week,

and it's during school hours.

No skipping school.

Even if the building's on fire,

you wait for the bell
and die with honor.



But it's my new favorite
basketball player... Allen Iverson!

A.I.?

"The Answer"?
The All-Star for the Sixers.

Got a crossover so smooth,
it'll put a baby in your sister?

Connie? Don't bring my sister into this!

Come on, Dad, please? You love hoops.

And you know how hard I've been
working on this college stuff.

Sorry, but I'm with your mother
on this one. No skipping school.

But I think you should leave
if there's a fire.

You smell smoke, you run.

C'mon, Ma, it's just half a day.

This is so unfair!

Unfair?

Wimbledon requiring Pete Sampras



to play wearing a shirt is unfair.

Denzel having to act
wearing a shirt is unfair.

Me having to complete
a stupid academic practicum

in order to become teacher boss...

definitely unfair.

What's a practicum?

I have to spend 100 hours

shadowing a teacher at some school

in order to finish my degree.

Apparently, "practicum" is Latin
for "waste Jessica's time."

Practicum?

We're talking about practicum? Really?

I'm in here trying to get an autograph,

and we're talking about practicum?

Practicum?!

100 hours is a lot.

For everyone involved.

Yes, but in order to achieve your goals,

you need to keep your head down
and stay the course.

Look at your brother Evan.

He wants to be Doctor-President,

and he has never veered from the path.

He's predictable, reliable...

Aloha!

What have you done to your neck?!

It's ruined!

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Evan, why do you have
sea creatures on your neck?!

Oh, my puka shells?
Geoff got me into them.

Geoff? Who's Geoff?

He's my friend from school.

He spells his name G-E-O-F-F.

Isn't that cool?

G-off?

Jeff.

- G-off.
- Jeff.

How come you never mentioned him before?

I guess that's 8th grade
for you, always moving.

Well, I better go,
or else I won't get a seat

in the back of the bus.

Then I'll have to sit on the wheel hump.

Puka shells, back of the bus,
single-strap backpack.

This is not like Evan.

What is going on with him at school?

How would I know? We don't go
to the same school anymore.

I'm in high school now.

I graduated junior high last June?

There was a ceremony
where you shouted out, "Boring"?

Oh, right.

That poor girl sang
"The Greatest Love of All."

Don't try Whitney
if you can't do Whitney.

Okay.

You're worried about Evan
because of puka shells?

Puka shells lead to shady friends,

which leads to distraction,
which leads to bad grades!

Next thing you know,
Evan won't be Doctor-President.

I don't know, Mom.

Puka shells are just casual beachwear

that also work in the city.

Well, you know what else works
in the city?

Institutional racism.

Nice form!

The sleeve helps.

It's good for my ligaments,
and sometimes it's a napkin.

Well, sorry we can't let you
skip school, but I am proud

of all the hard work
you've been doing for college.

An A.I. jersey!

I know you're a fan
of "The Big Response."

It's "The Answer."

Oh. That's catchier.

Thanks, Dad.

Oh. I've been thinking about
how to help pay for tuition.

Four words... Basketball scholarship.

Okay.

I'm gonna put together
a reel of all my hoop skills

and send it to Georgetown,
Duke, Kentucky...

Oh, son, this is the hard part
of being a dad

they never show on TV.

The truth is, you are unlikely
to get a basketball scholarship.

You are a clumsy boy
with a heart of gold.

Maybe if you hustle,
you can get a cup of coffee

in some third-tier Euro league,

but even then,
you'll just be a curiosity,

an Asian spectacle
for the Slavs to jeer at.

I don't want that.

No.

No, you don't.

But what you do have

is a great imagination,
intelligence, and personality,

and there's plenty
of scholarships for that.

Thanks, Dad.

Wait.

They spelled "Iverson" with a "Q."

"Iversqn"?

Is this fake?

Explains why it was
in the clearance bin.

That Michael Gordan jersey
makes a lot more sense now.

Hunter, what kind
of a child zoo is this?

You've let Evan slip through the cracks.

Evan?

He's got straight A's,
a can-do attitude,

making new friends.

Aside from one little detention...

Detention?!

Well, the whole class got it
for tardiness.

The whole class?!

How are you teacher boss

and I still have to take practicum?

Trust me, Evan's doing just fine.

You have nothing to worry about.

False.

I need you to follow him to every class

and report back to me.

Be sly about it.

Peek around corners. Use binoculars.

You know what I'm talking about.

I can't follow one child all day.

Who has time for that?

One last Huang, one more year.

You can do this.

Dad, I took your advice and
found an awesome scholarship.

Oh!

"The Wesley Snipes Scholarship
for Orlando Youth."

Smart. Channeling some of
that "Passenger 57" money

into a charitable cause.

He must have a great tax guy.

The scholarship will be enough

to buy a dope-ass massage chair
for my dorm room.

It's gonna be pimp.

Anyways, I have to write
an essay about my biggest hero.

Oh. So, uh, who do you have in mind?

It was an obvious choice.

A man who's really impacted my life.

I'm listening.

Someone who embodies the American dream.

He came from nothing,

has a tireless work ethic
and amazing hair.

That doesn't just happen.

That's that work ethic you mentioned.

My hero...

Allen Iverson.

That's great.

Great choice. Yes.

Alright, Geoff, is this your card?

No.

Is this your card?

Nope.

I'm such a bad magician.

Hey. That's my card!

Or am I?

Dude, how did you do that?

A magician never reveals his secrets.

That's why they're not
in relationships for long.

That was awesome.

Hey, you should come to my Bar Mitzvah.

Really? Isn't that
for close friends and family?

I mean, we are friends, right?

One question... how early
is too early to show up?

Show up to what?

Mommy?

Good news, Evan.
I'm doing my practicum here.

We're going to school together!

Now, which one of
you bed-wetters is G-off?

- You're doing your practicum here?
- Isn't it great?

Instead of wasting my time

following dummy teachers
at some random school,

I can spend my 100 hours with you

and still get credit!

100 hours is a lot.

A lot of fun.

I guess we could carpool together.

And the field trip permission
slip process will be streamlined.

Cards?

Are you playing poker?

Did you put him up to this, G-off?

Uh, it's Geoff,

and Evan was just showing us
some magic tricks.

Trix? Like that drunk
cartoon rabbit? No.

Applesauce?

You know that gives you bad boom booms.

Boo-yah. Dropped off 10 meals
in under two hours.

The trick is,
never put the car in "park."

How would that even... So,
can I take the afternoon off?

I want to work on my hero essay.

Oh. Uh, sure.

Uh, are you still writing
about Allen Iverson?

'Cause I was just thinking,

maybe there's another hero in your life

you'd rather write about,

someone closer to home?

You mean Uncle Marvin?

I do thank you for your service.

Oh.

You want to thank me? Enlist.

I was, um, actually thinking
even closer to home.

Maybe an unsung hero
you've known since birth.

I don't want to write about Mom.

She already made me do that
for Mother's Day.

I'll just stick with A.I.

I'll be honest, Lou,
I'm a little soused,

but I think maybe you wish
that Eddie saw you as his hero.

Oh, yeah, I did, but I know how I get.

I'm probably just overthinking it.

No, no, no.

If anything, you're underthinking it.

Nicole used to think of me as her hero,

and then... pfft... Gonzo.

Was it the... uh...

What?

The lesbian thing?

No, no. That was great.

I don't know what happened.

You know, I used to fix her car for her.

I'd teach her about classic rock.

I'm a big Pink Zeppelin fan.

And then at some point,
you know, she just...

stopped seeing me as her hero.

And then she moved away and...

we haven't been as close since. Really?

Hey, if Eddie leaves the house
and you're not his hero,

it's over.

But Eddie only has
one year of school left.

Well, then you have time
to turn things around.

Hey, and if you don't,

that's what whiskey is for.

Great job, Ev.

Ev? No, no. His name is Ev-an.

Trust me, I named him myself.

It's a new nickname I'm trying out.

Did your new friends put you up to this?

Lose it.
Presidents don't have nicknames.

- What about Abe Lincoln?
- Dead.

- Teddy Roosevelt?
- Dead.

- Jimmy Carter?
- Ineffective.

Yes, Ev?

Actually, Ev is no more.

It's back to Evan now.

May I please be excused to the bathroom?

Yes.

Remember, sitting down to pee
doesn't make you a lesser boy.

Everything okay? They said
it was a family emergency.

It's our mother. Oh, God.

She's ruining 8th grade for me.

That's the emergency?

Remember how hard it was for me
after skipping a grade?

I'm finally starting to fit in,
and then Mommy shows up.

Gentle suggestion?
Stop calling her Mommy.

She won't give me any space.

She took over my locker,

threw away my "frivolous" colored pens,

and you know what she said

when I brought up Geoff's Bar Mitzvah?

"A boy doesn't become a man

until he earns his first paycheck.

That's a Chinese Bar Mitzvah."
"...Chinese Bar Mitzvah."

I went through something similar

with my friend Marta's quinceañera.

So, what should I do?

Just ask Mom to pick a new school.

And interfere with her practicum?

I'm a lot of things,
but I'm not a saboteur.

Then just figure out a way to avoid her.

It's a big school.

Yeah, I guess.

Look, I gotta go.

Please don't tell Mom we talked.

I'm already too involved.

The office said to come meet you.

What's going on?

Is it Grandma's bookie?
We gotta move again?

What? No.

I just thought I'd stop by
and say hello and, uh...

take you to get
Allen Iverson's autograph.

For real? You're not clowning me?

Lou don't clown.

Well, your mother doesn't always
see the whole picture.

Yes, school is important,
but so is your happiness.

You needed someone to swoop in
and save the day.

I don't know what you would
call someone like that.

I'd call them awesome.

Seed planted.

Well, nothing but pavement
between us and...

Oh, no! Obstacle!

What is it, Dad?

Uh, oh, uh... car trouble.

Now? We're not gonna make it.

Don't worry, son.
I will get you to that signing.

Your old man knows his way around

the hood area of an automobile.

Yup. Just what I thought.

A cracked flange belt... plug.

I'll have her fixed in a jiff.

You sure you don't need any help?

Oh... Oh, no. Do not come out here.

But, uh, you know what could help?

Some tunes. Hit "play" on the stereo.

♪ I need a hero ♪

♪ I'm holding out for a hero
till the morning light ♪

♪ He's gotta be sure,
and it's gotta be soon ♪

♪ And he's gotta be larger than life ♪

♪ Larger than life ♪

Oh, no! Oh, no.

Damn it, Louis, this is why

you should always stick to air guitar.

Oh. I was thinking we'd buy lunch.

Today is pizza day.

Yes, but at home,
it's expiration date day.

Quick, eat up before they turn.

Mommy, I was thinking...

instead of going to
my boring honors classes,

maybe you'd be more help
with the classes

with the "visual learners."

Nope. Sounds bad.

Hey, guys.

Wanna join? Please?

Maybe another time, when things are...

...different.

You sure you don't want
to switch classes?

Consider it a challenge.

One of the teachers
doesn't even have a lesson plan.

He just makes up facts
and plays the guitar.

Tempting, but I already
lined up our schedules

and turned in my timecard
to Principal Hunter.

We're set.

If it were up to me, we'd be
in school together forever.

Forever.

Go, go, go!

You call that rowing?!
I call it pathetic!

No wonder you're all still virgins!

Sweetie, how are your boom booms?

This is too cold.

I'm gonna go sweet-talk
that hairy lunch lady

into using the microwave.

And a hair net.

I must get rid of Mommy.

- ♪ I'm holding out for a hero ♪
- Is this whole tape just this one song?

♪ Till the end of the night ♪

Dad, we're running out of time
for the autograph signing.

Uh, don't worry.
It's just the flux capacitor.

I'll have it fixed in a minute.

♪ I need a hero ♪

Flux capacitor? That's from
"Back to the Future."

I thought you said
you knew what you were doing.

Yeah, yeah. I got it.

See?

Uh... that...

Oh!

Why are there so many things in here?!

Alright, I don't know what I'm doing.

I was pretending the car broke down,

and then I broke it for real.

What? Why would you do that?

I don't know.

So you would see me as your hero.

By playing mechanic?

Well, now I don't
get to meet Allen Iverson.

Some hero you are.

Aah! Oh, no! Again!

Hunter, your microwave
destroyed my spoon.

You owe me a spoon.

Evan?!

Is that my timecard?

I was just checking your math.

Uh, 10, carry the 1...

Oh. Yep, looks good.

We both know my math
doesn't need to be checked.

You need to be checked.

Sneaking into Principal Hunter's office?

Did your new sketchy friends
put you up to this?

They didn't make me. You did!

I was padding your hours
to get you out of school faster.

I don't want you here!

- You don't want me here?
- No. You're messing up my life.

Me?! You're the one
who's getting detention

and breaking into offices.

This is so unlike you, Evan.

Very unpresidential.

Well, except for Nixon.

But at least he had the good sense

to pay other people to do it!

We all got detention,
but we weren't late.

Mr. Marsh is a hardliner from Arizona

who doesn't believe in Daylight Savings.

You're still veering off course.

That's why I'm here...
To get you back on track.

I mean, puka shells, magic tricks,

Geoff with a "G"?

Well, you're a jerk with a "J"!

If you really think these puka
shells are the problem, here.

I dare you to not try this on
when you're alone.

Hey. Good news.

Marvin said he could fix the van.

Turns out the problem was
I jammed a screwdriver in it.

Looks like you saved the day again.

Good job, hero.

Sorry.

It's just that when you
chose Allen Iverson

for your essay instead of me,
I freaked out.

And then Marvin got in my head,

and with you going off
to college so soon...

I just don't want us to grow apart.

This is ridiculous.

I know. I'm sorry.

No, I mean, I can't believe
you'd ever think that.

You've always been there for me.

You taught me how to drive,
gave me my first job,

helped me with my girl problems...

I mean, women problems.

Good catch.

You have nothing to worry about.

Sure, A.I. is awesome,
but you're more than a hero.

You're my dad.

I'm always going to need you,

and we're never going to grow apart.

You want a hug, don't you?

Whatever.
I could go either way.

Hey. I have an idea.

Quick, grab your Iversqn. Let's go.

Three more minutes on your test,
then pencils down.

What's wrong with Evan?

Excuse me, ma'am. Who are you?

A concerned parent.

God, I miss the WASPy coldness
of private school parents.

I don't get it.

Evan's not himself anymore.

He's ruining his dreams
of becoming Doctor-President.

No, he's not.

Last night, he held a model U.N.
with his Beanie Babies.

They executed Oinker for war crimes.

But was he wearing his puka shells?

Evan's just getting older
and trying new things.

That doesn't make him
a different person.

But I don't recognize him anymore.

Every day, it's something new.

Mom, 8th grade's tough.

It's that awkward time
before high school.

Remember when I got that zit on my lip

and no one spoke to me for a week...

At school or at home?

Oh, I popped it in your sleep,

but by morning,
it had grown back stronger...

and angrier.

Evan's just trying to figure it all out.

If you really want to help him,
give him space.

It's not easy having your mom
at school with you.

Time. Hand your tests forward.

"C," "D," not enough information, "A"...

Good news, bad news,
good news, bad news.

Good news, I got past security

with a classic Louis Huang fakeout.

Shark!

I fell for that, too.

An escaped shark?
That's not what you want.

Okay, bad news...

Allen Iverson wouldn't sign
your fake jersey.

Agh. Iversqn. That damn "Q."

Good news... I told him he's your hero,

and he signed this instead.

This is a real jersey.

And it's game-worn.

It reeks.

Like 46 points.

Thanks, Dad.

Oop. Last bad news.

I have a lifetime ban
from all NBA events.

Sorry, son.

I gotta remove him from the property.

But I must say,
you got a pretty cool dad.

The best.

Just so you know,
I knew there wasn't a shark.

But, you know... safety first.

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría, Macarena ♪

♪ Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle
alegría y cosa buena ♪

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría, Macarena ♪

Mommy? What are you doing here?

I'm giving you your space.

So, you crashed my friend's Bar Mitzvah?

School wasn't enough?

♪ Dale a tu cuerpo alegría, Macarena ♪

♪ Hey, Macarena ♪

About that.

It's possible I may have overreacted.

A little bit. Like just barely.

Barely?

When you showed up with
the puka shells on, I panicked!

That's not the Evan I know.

We're always on the same page.

I'm used to you telling me everything...

What you're thinking, how your day went,

what Grandma writes about me
in her journal.

I didn't tell you about the necklace

because I knew you'd hate it.

You hate a lot of stuff. I do.

I just want to be able
to try things on my own.

I know.

You have to find out for
yourself that things are stupid.

And you wonder
why I don't tell you things.

I'm sorry I called you the J-word.

"Jerk."

Oh.

I promise to give you your space.

But if you ever need the truth,
you know where to find me.

Deal?

Deal.

I shouldn't have changed your timecard.

That was a low moment.

It was, but good news...

No more timecards, no more practicum.

What?

Emery's cranky teacher told me

private schools don't require
any of that nonsense.

I could become a teacher boss
right away!

Mazel tov.

That means "congrats."

Are you wearing cologne?

CK One. It's a unisex fragrance.

Ohhh, that's so...

...interesting.

I know, right?

Hey, Coach, all my life,
I've wanted to go

to your college, university,
or institute of technology.

Now, anyone can send you
a video of their dunks,

but I'm not anyone.

♪ Y'all ready for this? ♪

Inbound passes.

Taking charges.

Ugh!

Floor spacing.

Bench support. Hustle up.

Good defense!

Find the opening.

You got this.

C'mon, ref! Are you blind?

They're in the zone!
Grandma, get out of the street!

Thanks for watching.

Swish!

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪