Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 5 - Hal-Lou-Ween - full transcript

The Huang boys want to find a group costume they can all agree on; Louis decides to show Jessica why Halloween is so great.

You got tension on me,
Evan? I gotta go deeper.

Deeper?! Huang, you're a madman!

I don't have a choice.

Your mom insists on putting
all the Halloween decorations

in the back.

Because she hates the holiday.

Yeah, that ends this year.

- Aah!
- Aah!

I dropped the rope, you're on your own!

No, no, no, it's okay.

It's just your mom's novel...

"A Case of a Knife to the Brain."



You mean the part where the
butler lost all his skin?

No, I mean how many unsold
copies we still have.

Pushing on.


The queen bee of my haunted house.

Which I realize is confusing
because she's a spider.

Haunted house? That's your plan to
get Mom on board with Halloween?

I know it's a long
shot, but I got a plan

to make it all about her.

Huh. She'd like that.

What's the only thing she loves
more than sensible footwear?

Instilling fear in people.

Which she can do in her
very own haunted house.


No. No crazy house.

It's a haunted house.

Call it whatever you want,
we're not having one here.

You told me to pull if
you were in trouble.

So I'm pulling.

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Well, think about how fun it would be.

I mean, isn't this scary?

What am I looking at?

It's Sandy the spider.

It fused with my Cher
wig in the attic heat.

Even Halloween accidents are beautiful.

Stop using words that describe me

to get me on board with
your stupid holiday.

Well, I thought you'd
love a haunted house.

Your heart is fueled by fear.

C'mon, pop out,

scare the pants off the
neighborhood kids.

No to strange kids walking
through our house all night

with their dirty feet.

It's bad enough your mother
doesn't brush her tires.

I don't get it, Jessica.

Your book was a horror novel.

It scared tens of...

Hundreds of people.

Well, Louis, it's just not for me.

But, to prove that I am
not a total Scrooge...

A real villain on a real holiday...

I bought you the treats

to hand out to the costumed beggars!

I knew it!

Somewhere beneath that hard candy shell

lies a soft, gooey...


Raisins aren't candy!

It says right on the
box... "nature's candy."

But, Jessica, the neighborhood knows

I'm a double-barrel candy man...

Twix, Reese's, Kit Kat.

That's a double double-barrel!
A quad-barrel!

Why is it when it comes to Halloween,

you never listen to me?

That's not true.

I listen to you.

So are we on the same page?


No spooky house.

Oh, come on!

Hey, our house will be
haunted soon enough

when your mother...

Well, soon enough.

These are like scrapbook crack.

We've had some good times.

Yeah, but looking back,

it seems like we've exhausted
all the couples costumes.

Maybe this is the year we can
finally do Frasier and Niles.

I don't want to get in a big
fight over who gets to be Niles.

The last time Maris
and I got in a fight,

we were roundly shushed by a
particularly plucky sommelier.

Talk about whining!

Hey, Eddie, big Halloween plans?

Eh, I'm too old to 'ween it
up. I'm just gonna skip it.

But you boys have fun.

No drugs, okay?

"Too old to 'ween it up"?

You hear that bull?

Yeah. He's growing up too fast.

He's gonna miss this when
he's gone off to college.

He did make a great Dusty Bottoms.

And soon, the Three Amigos will be two.

The Dos Amigos.

Que lastima.

That's it!

That's the answer to
our costume problem.

We bring back the trio.

Three opens up a world of possibilities.

The 3 Chipmunks.

The 3 Rice Krispie guys.

The 3 states of matter.

Solid, liquid...

- Eddie would be gas.
- Eddie would be gas.

We'll keep thinking.

Until then, we've got
to get Eddie on board.

Well, dear brother,

it seems we've bested another conundrum.

Was that Frasier or Niles?

Frasier. But from "Cheers."

Before he sold out.


What is our son's friend
doing in our bedroom, Louis?

Afternoon, Mrs. H.

Love the color scheme in your bedroom...

Purple, the color of royalty.

Don't sit there.

Or anywhere.

Trent's helping me pick out decorations.

I said no haunted house.

Now who's not listening about Halloween?

We're not doing it here.

We're doing it at the
restaurant. Cattleman's.

We're calling it
Cattleman's Haunted House.

It's going to be huge.

We need to work triple-time to
get the restaurant decorated,

so I'm gonna need you to
take my place as a judge

at the middle-school
costume competition.

Did that ginger bite you
and infect your brain?

Oh, come on, you love judging.

I love a judge. Judy.

'Cause she's just like me...

Petite, brash, can
hold her pee for days.


Hey, this wouldn't even be an issue

if you let me have my thing here.

I guess an hour of telling
kids their outfits stink

is better than a full night of
that nonsense in our own home.

Okay, I'll judge the dumb competition.

You guys gotta knock. I got a lady now.

We had to knock more when
you didn't have a lady.

Eddie, do you have any extra pillowcases

just lying around?

Nah, I stopped using
them. Too much work.

Uch, you're a beast.

We're gonna double bag this Halloween.

The weight from the candy tore
through our sacks last year.


You've been out of the
game for too long.

People hand out full-size candy now.

You love candy.

I do.

Eh, I'll just eat the leftovers
Dad doesn't hand out.

Y'know, trick-or-treat my own pad.

Yeah, about that. Mommy actually
got the candy this year.

She got... raisins.

- Chocolate-covered raisins?
- Nope.

Yogurt-covered raisins? Unh-unh.

White chocolate-covered raisins?


Golden raisins.

Mom got booger raisins?

Still want to stay home and chill?

No, I'm in.

But a pillowcase won't do.

I'm gonna air out
Grandma's sleeping bag.


I love a couples costume.

Double the effort, double the score.


What mighty big scores you have!


Can I give out a negative number?

A wolf should not have
a human girlfriend.

It brings up too many icky questions.

2 points. 1 for each of you. Next.

Thank you for not using
profanity this time,

but can you maybe ease
up on the criticism?

You made SpongeBob cry
through his makeup.

Well, if he were a believable sponge,

he'd be able to sop up his tears.

All right, I'm in a pickle
here, because I want to ask

if there's more of the costume
under the trench coat,

but if I say that, I'll be in trouble.

You're a mix of all the
people I see on the bus.

I'm a detective from my
favorite murder-mystery book.

100 out of 100!

You know who she is?

She's Jennifer Hong

from "A Case of a Knife to the Brain"!

I am!

Are you a fan of the book?


Always nice to meet another Brain-head.

W... I thought I was the only one!

Oh... there's more of us out there.

Yah! Aah!

Louis, I'm in for Halloween!

Why does it suddenly
smell like your mother?

Ohh! Nothing works!

In for Halloween? What does that mean?

Oh, wait, you're tricking me.

No tricks. All treats.

A little girl dressed
up in the competition

as Jennifer Hong!

From your book?

Come on. What are the chances?

Are you implying that nobody read it?


What I mean is,

I find it hard to believe a
little girl would dress up

as a character from such a...

...gritty novel. Lotta sex in there.

They made me cut half of it out.

They say they want real, and then

when you give it to them,
they don't want it.

I don't know, Jessica.

Maybe the girl was dressed
as something else.

Inspector Gadget, a flasher.

No, I will prove it to you.

The girl gave me the address
to a Halloween party tonight.

They're all dressing as
characters from my book!

Multiple children are doing this?

Apparently it's become
some kind of a cult.

You mean a cult classic?

Exactly. Like "Heaven's Gate."

Come with me, you can see for yourself.

I love that you're into Halloween now,

but I have my haunted house
at Cattleman's to work on.

I have to stop by the
blood bank, get supplies.

If you don't want O-negative,
it's actually pretty cheap.


My book is as important to
me as Halloween is to you.

If you come with me, I'll tell everybody

you got me on board with Halloween

and not some little girl.


That does help.

But if I go with you to find your fans,

you have to go with me to
the restaurant afterwards.


Uh, just curious,

but did you make any kids cry today?

Oh, yeah. Principal Hunter too.

But that's his own fault

for putting his kid in
the costume contest.


I got Grandma's sleeping
bag in the freezer.

Trying to blast the funk
out with a blow-dryer

was the... wrong choice.

What the hell is going on here, guys?

I wasn't kidding about the drugs.

I'm surprised you have to ask.

I'm renowned physician Dr. Dre.

And I'm Snoopy Dog.

You can be Iced Tea.

Did you say "Iced Tea"?

It's Ice-T!

We want to do a brothers costume.

Yeah, we wanna have a threesome.

O... kay. So, never say that.

But I would be down to do
a costume with you two.

Well, if we aren't gonna go
as the hard freestylers,

who are we gonna be?

It's Halloween.

All the stores are out
of the good stuff.

Chill. We'll think of it on the fly, yo!

Chill. We can think of
something on the fly, yo!

That was a pretty good me you did there.

Hey, what if we dressed
up as each other?

Yeah, that's actually not a bad idea.

♪ Yeah ♪

"Not bad" is my sweet spot.


How'd you get back in your sleeping bag?

Now I gotta start over!

This is the address they gave you?

I don't understand.

This makes perfect sense.

Sure, for a mugging.

She gave me the wrong
address on purpose.

In Chapter 5 of the book,

Jennifer Hong gets a
lead from the lady robot

to the location of the bazooka factory,

only to find...

an empty lot.

Turns out, the factory
was down the street.


It's got to be one of these houses.

We just got to "walk the beat,"

"work the case,"

"follow the bazooka shells."

Jessica, two adults
can't go door-to-door

asking if a little girl is home.

It's creepy, even for Halloween.

You're right.

Do you still have that stuff in
the van for the haunted house?

Yeah, you watched me pack
the whole van by myself,

heckling me to go faster.

Well, did you go faster?


Hi, I'm Mad Cow Disease.

And I am an evil Irish toddler.

Chucky from "Child's Play."

Speaking of children playing,
does a cute 12-year-old girl

with an active imagination
and a great taste in books

live here?

Uh... what she means
is... Trick-or-treat!

Real smooth, Jessica.

One down.

Hong's on the case!

Slow down, I'm wearing 6-inch hooves!

Wait, you're dressed as Evan?

I thought I was going as the little man.

No, Eddie, you're supposed to be Emery

and I'm supposed to be Evan!

Why'd they give us all "E" names?

Very confusing!

Who the hell are you?

I'm Evan.

Why are you both dressed as me?

Because Emery messed up.

What's your excuse?

I was dressing up as Eddie,

but then I got worried
Emery would feel left out,

and I didn't want to
hurt anyone's feelings,

so I put my own clothes back on.

Dude, nobody cares who you dress as.

Yeah, we wouldn't be upset.

Yeah, bro, it's all out of love.

Just go change, and we will too.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Let's not be too hasty here, fellas.

Not to strum my own viola here,

but we all do look pretty
cute dressed as me.

Hmm. I did put a lot of thought
and time into my bangs.

Not to mention it took me 30 minutes

to stuff myself into these shorts.

I had to wear my thinnest underwear.

Look at us.

Three Evans, one Halloween?

We have to promise not to run tonight,

because these shorts are up there.

Jessica, we hit up almost every
house in this neighborhood.

I'm starting to think this
Brain-head girl doesn't exist.

Maybe we should just call it.

Oh, come on!

Just a few more houses, please?

We've got to be close.

I can feel it in my gut.

That's all the gum. You're
not supposed to swallow it.

Well, they shouldn't have
made it taste so good.

All right, one more house
and then Cattleman's.



Do you happen to have a
sister who likes to read?

Specifically, adult sci-fi noir?

Oh, you mean my little
sister, Henrietta?

She and her nerd friends
went to the graveyard

to have some stupid book party.

The graveyard, of course!

Really? So you do have a fan club.

Well, a cult.

Thank you for your help.

Take care of these wrappers for me?

Another Halloween miracle!

The graveyard is on the
way to the restaurant.

We can go see your fans and still
get to Cattleman's in time.

We're not going to the graveyard.

Wait, what?

We're going to the school.

The school?

No, she specifically said
they're at the graveyard.

Yes, but in my book, the
graveyard is the school.

That's where the killer
buried all the bodies.

Did you not read the book till the end?

Of... course I did.

Um, but, again, I know Halloween,

and no kid goes to a school today.

Kids go to graveyards.

I am the detective here.

Look, I never told anyone this,

but Jennifer Hong is based...

on Jessica Huang.

Okay, fine. Do whatever you want.

I'm going to my haunted
house at Cattleman's.

Well, instead of a Mad Cow,
you should've been a baby,

because that's what you're acting like!

Here you go.

Happy Halloween.

- How cute.
- So cute.

- Trick-or-treat! Trickortreat!
- Trick-or-treat!


If my instincts are correct,
you're Buffy the Vampire Slayer


And I'm Marvin the angel!

No, it's just Angel.

I don't watch her programs.

So, guys, uh, who are
you supposed to be?

Why don't you guess?

Why don't you guess?
Why don't you guess?

Oh, my God! Three Evans!

Three Evans, that'd be Mommy's dream.

Yeah, I can see it now. And I like it.

I'm Evan, and my waistline
doubles as my nipple line.

I organize my undies by
the color of the rainbow!

Oh, what light spectrum do you use

to organize your unmentionables?

I discovered sports because
of Brandi Chastain.


And by "sports," I mean my anatomy!

I was just trying to have some fun,

until you mother-brothers
decided to ruin it!

Ooh. That's a new walk.

I think the joke's over.

Yeah, I know.

Louis, you forgot the
decorations in the van,

so I brought them here
before I went to the school!



Red! Don't die on me, damn it!


Mrs. Huang?

Ohh! Thank God you're not dead.

We would have had to disclose
when we sell the place.

What the hell is going on?

I can't tell you. Louis
swore me to secrecy.

We took a blood oath.

Well, I did. Louis is squeamish.

Are you really gonna make me ask twice?

All right, fine.

I scare easily, and Louis
said I could hang out here,

away from the Halloween madness,
if I kept his secret.

That's not what I was
asking. I wanna know...

Why I was sleeping facedown? Fine!

I have extreme back pain, and it's
the only way I can get comfortable.

I don't care how you rest.
I want to know w...

How I first hurt my back?

It was 1997, last day of autumn,

Trish bet me I couldn't do a handstand.

Tell me...

what Louis...


I'm sorry, I can't.

Well, here we are.

This was bound to happen.

His real wife and his work
wife, caught in a conflict.

It would be such a shame

if all of these sugar
packets fell on the floor.

The assistant manager

would have to bend over
and pick them all up.

Oh, you wouldn't.


Oh! My L5-S1!

Okay, I'll tell you everything!

Hey, Grandma. Nice Cartman.

He notices when they kill Kenny.

Evan's inside.

He's upset.

I don't even understand why.

It was his idea for us
to dress up as him.

We were just trying to have fun.

How would you like it if I dressed up

like a goofy giant or
Johnny Fragile Hands?

- Hmm?
- Goofy?!


Delicate, sure, but fragile?!

You see?

It doesn't feel great
being mocked, does it?

Come on, Emery. Let's
go make this up to him.

Here's your sleeping bag, G-Ma.

No, Kenny! This is my pot pie!

Where are my Cheesy Poofs?!
Where are my Cheesy Poofs?!

Screw you guys! I'm going home!

You found us!

Good sleuthing!

It is so nice to see so many characters

from "A Case of a Knife to
the Brain" in one place!

The one-armed sea captain...

the clumsy crane operator...

the anemic ski instructor...

Bazooka Phil.

In the original draft,

all of these characters
were prostitutes.


Wait, how do you know that?

Because I am the original Brain-head.

I wrote it.

It's her!

I can't believe the mind behind
"A Case of a Knife to the Brain"

is at our party!

We're all huge fans of your book.

Ohh! I wish there were more of you.

Us too!

Well, do you know what helps
boost sales for a work of art?

My idol, Stephen King,

just got hit by a minivan this summer.

And while he was in critical condition,

sales of his books skyrocketed.

What are you saying?

There's a switchblade in my purse.

Take it out, aim for the
fleshy part of my thigh.

Good luck finding it, but
once you do, just...

All right, show's over, kids!

She's kidding.

Thank you! Good night!

I set up refreshments out back.

I knew it!

How did you figure it out?

Please, Louis, I'm a detective novelist.

Plus, Trent told me everything.

I need more confidants my own age.

Fine, I planned the whole thing.

I realized no matter
how much I told you,

you'd have to experience the
magic of Halloween yourself,

so I planted Henrietta
at the costume contest.

Then you lured me into
that wild goose chase,

just to get me to go
trick-or-treating in costume.

Well, you went through
more gum than I expected,

but I saw you having fun.

It was fun emptying those
"Please take one" bowls.


Honor system?

I'm a demon doll.

It only went wrong when you didn't
listen about the graveyard.

After that curveball, I needed an excuse

to get the kids from
the graveyard to here.

Well, you finally got
me to like Halloween.

I just wanted to spend
my favorite holiday

with my favorite person.

I give it a 76 out of 100.

A passing score. I'll take it.

Yo, what we did was mad messed up.

Sorry, let me get my
bangs out of my face

so I can tell you I'm sorry too.

We took it a little too far.

Yo, yo, yo, did I tell
you I have a girlfriend

and I like rap music?

That was a pretty good Eddie.

We're sorry. We didn't mean
to hurt your feelings.

It's okay. I overreacted.

I didn't mean to ruin our Halloween.

Ruined? It's not ruined.

See, the cool thing about being older

is you can trick-or-treat way later.

But who are we gonna go as?


All right! Some feminine insects!

We're Powerpuff Girls.


Well, great costumes, whatever they are.

Thanks for handing out candy with me.

It's the least I could do after
all you did for me tonight.

Fun, right?

It's not as dumb as it looks.


You ruined my childhood, bitches!

Oh! What a holiday.

Oh! I just caught one
in my mouth! Gross!

I'll draw their fire. You go get the
big carrots, and then we'll smack 'em!

Can't say I feel confident in this.

You? At least you're covered.
I'm showing a lot of skin here.

I can't breathe!

I look like a mariachi Winnie the Pooh!

Mine still fits!

Glad I skipped breakfast.

Sorry, Evan, I don't think
this is gonna work.

Just go grab the sheet from
our beds and go as ghosts.

Fine, but not before one last salute

for old times' sake.

Hunh! The Three Amigos!

Something ripped. But
I don't know where.

Close your eyes!