Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 15 - Commencement - full transcript
Jessica grapples with her vision of the future; the boys are each realizing what to label as their own goals.
Jessica,
our son isvaledictorian of Harvard.
Crazy.
Louis, pipe down.
I gave you one rule
for today, remember?
Don't
talkin a wicked Boston accent
to order lobster chowder?
Okay, fine.
Two rules.
And it's not crazy
he's up there.
He's always shown
signs of greatness.
Breakfast is served, suckas.
Boom. A literal food pyramid
made from all 10 food groups.
Frozen fish sticks
form the base,
so give her a sec to thaw
before diving in.
10 food groups? Why is it moving?
I still can't believe
you got a 1500 on your SAT.
I still can't believeyou
haven't told Mom yet.
Boys, think.
I'm a high-school junior
who doesn't listen well.
Fair. Cautiously following.
I'll tell Mom my score
when I really need
a get-out-of-jail-free card,
like, for example,
I'm in jail.
- Yeah.
- Eddie,
clean up the mess
you made in the kitchen.
I got a 1500
on my SATs.
- What?!
- Wow.
Eddie, I can't believe it!
I did it.
Captions by VITAC...
♪ Fresh off the boat
♪ I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat
♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin'
♪ I'm fresh off the boat
*FRESH OFF The BOAT*
*FRESH OFF The BOAT*
Season 06 Episode 15
Episode Title :"Commencement"
You really got a 1500
on the SAT?
Yep. A 750 on
the verbal and...
whatever's left in math.
Amazing.
I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
See, Louis?
Me pushing Eddie all these years
is finally paying off.
Top-tier colleges
are back in play.
The football teams
get worse,
but the starting salaries
skyrocket.
You did fill in the oval
letting schools get
your test scores, right?
I filled in every oval I saw...
you know, better my chances.
1500, ladies and germs.
1-5-0-0.
Well, I better clean
my pyramid mess.
No, no, no.
You stay.
You deserve to rest.
I'll do the dishes.
What the heck.
Maybe I'll even reconnect
the dishwasher.
Was that a hug?
I've never seen your mother
this happy.
That includes
our wedding day,
but definitely
not our wedding night.
We went for it.
Gross.
I don't trust this.
It's like when a stranger
offersyou candy to get in their van.
I mean, you take it...
Free candy...
But it never ends well.
Please tell me
you've never gotten in
a stranger's van before.
Eddie, your mom doesn't get
to experience pure joy often.
She refuses to watch
"Police Academy,"
doesn't "get dogs,"
calls Weird Al a hack.
Let her have this.
Eddie,
forget the kitchen.
We're going out
to celebrate!
Cele-what?
Girl, I got school.
Not today.
School can wait.
Dibs on the first
dishwasher load.
♪ Baby, I got your money ♪
♪ Hey, Dirty ♪
♪ Baby, I got your money, ♪
♪ don't you worry ♪
♪ I said hey, Dirty ♪
♪ Baby, I got your money ♪
♪ Hey, Dirty
♪ Dance if you
caught up in the Holy Ghost trance ♪
♪ If you stop,
I'm-a putthe killer ants in your pants ♪
♪ I'm the ODB, as you can see
♪ I'm just Dirt Dog trying
to make some money ♪
♪ So give me my streaks
and give me my honey ♪
♪ None of you, nuh,
better look at me funny ♪
♪ Nuh, you know my name,
now gimme my money ♪
♪ Hey
Man, I look like
"Boyz n the Hood" Ice Cube,
Asian-boy edition.
Dope.
Motherand oval-filling son.
This stays here.
I don't want
your Ivy League roommates
drooling over your mother's flawless skin.
I don't know
about the Ivy League.
I do!
That 1500 changed the game.
We need to update
your life-chart.
Evan has dibs
on president,
but we can Kennedy
this thing,
and you could be
his attorney general.
Emery can be the drunk
with the square head.
Oh, no.
Mom wrote "A Case of a Knife
to the Brain 2: The Second Knife"?
I'm penning my memoir.
I want to get
my life story down
before things get intense
in high school.
It'll be way less intense
if you keep that to yourself.
I can't be America's
first Doctor-President
without publishing
a memoir.
I even mocked up a cover.
I'll update the photowhen
I'm old enough to run,
maybe grow some stubble
for the ladies...
- Crucial demo.
- Cool.
I've outlined
my next chapter...
"Evan Huang, HOA Vice President."
How do you think
this guy went out?
Big-game hunter,
or stepped in front
of the wrong logging truck?
Pushing that much girth
around the woods?
Heart disease all day.
Hey!
Mom lifted
her bumper-sticker ban.
She wants you to put this onthe
Cattleman's delivery car.
Great.
That's what you want on your
bumper during rush hour.
Very rear-end-able.
You have a minute
to talk?
Boss Talk or Dad Talk?
Dad Talk.
Okay.
It's me, Dad.
What's up?
So, I've been thinking
a lot about college
ever since our UCLA trip.
- Great trip.
- Great trip,
but, I don't think I want
a regular school.
I want to go to
culinary school.
Culinary school?
Like for cooking.
I know what it means... Sorta.
This is big, Eddie.
I know you're working
at the restaurant with me,
but I didn't realize you were
that passionate about this.
I didn't either,
until it dawned on me
the thing I always get
excited about is food...
...creating it, cooking it,
eating it.
I love food, Dad!
I love food, too, son.
I love food, too.
You're following
in my footsteps.
Uh, my restaurant footsteps,
not my Cha Cha King of Taipei
footsteps.
Ain't nobody
following those.
Well,
I'm glad you're opento culinary school.
Ma won't be.
Yeah.
No way she had this
on my life-chart.
Hey, why don't you
make her a meal,
show her your stuff,
and then we can talk about
culinary school together?
Yeah, that'd be sick!
"Evan Huang for HOA
Vice President:
One Deidre Heartbeat Away."
You said you worked
as a mall elf
to "help
my needy brothers"?
I worked as a mall elf
to help you!
Uh, time out.
You read my memoir?
Please tell me you wore
the document gloves
sitting next to it.
You stole my story.
You lied!
I'm just giving readers
what they want... a hero.
Who cares about
the details?
I do.
You can't be presidentif you lie.
It's un-American.
Calling the first
Asian President un-American?
Pretty racist.
This is amazing.
Your mom will have to
consider culinary school.
Each dish is inspired
by her...
Anti-Hobo Stew,
Chicken a la Stephen King,
Aw Hell Gnocchi.
I was out at the mailbox,
and I saw Deidre
in the window.
Dummy took 20 minutes
to notice my sweatshirt.
- What's all this?
- Oh, I made dinner for you.
Why?
Oh, you put a baby
in that red head, didn't you?
- Jessica!
- Whoa!
No.
I just wanted
to say thank you
for everything
you've done for me.
Aww!
You got a 1500
and you cook.
You are going to make some
womanl choose a great husband.
So, Mom,
I was hoping we could talk.
Sure.
What did you want to...
Eddie got a letter
from Harvard.
I'll open it so you don't
cut your test fingers.
Okay with you?
Great!
Aah!
"Dear Edwyn Huang,
we received your SAT scores
and want to schedule
an interview
with one of our alumni"?
Ah!
Harvard wants to send an alum
here to my house
to interview Eddie,
my son.
No chance they send
Bill Gates, right?
Because I still can't get
the printer to do landscape.
I got to get moving.
I got to call Connie to gloat.
I got to redecorate the house
to Ivy League standards,
polish the fine china.
Fun fact...
That's my bowling nickname.
Dad, I want to go
to culinary school.
Do I really have to do
this interview?
It'd just be
a waste of time.
Not for your mom.
Ho, ho, ho!
Not a "yo mama" joke.
Sorry.
Eddie, she's worked hard
your whole lifeto give
you this opportunity.
Just let her have this,
and then we can talk to her about culinary.
Fine.
I'll do it... for her.
Good.
And if, for whatever reason,
cooking school
doesn't pan out...
Pan out. Nice.
...Harvard is not
the worst backup.
Speak for yourself.
I ain't built for those
Pennsylvania winters.
No, Harvard is...
Yeah.
Aah!
Ahh.
Pay up, Barbie.
Hey, why are you so quiet there,
Emory, huh?
Those freshman girls
got your tongue?
Evan's writing a memoir,
and he's stealing stories,
making things up.
Well,
he's just spinning yarns
like we used to do
in the Navy... harmless.
Not like those dirty Marines.
They're actual liars.
N... O-kay.
You can g...
Emery, your brother's
in eighth grade.
That's a tough time.
He's probably just
tooting his own horn.
- Yeah.
- Maybe I am overreacting.
I'm glad you guys
think it's okay
since you're all
in his memoir, too.
- We are? - Yeah?
- Yeah.
You should see how
he described Liza's birth.
Oh, Marvin!
Where are the keys?
- This baby is coming!
- I can't find 'em!
Oh, this is all too much,
even for a Navy man.
Oh, no.
Ohh. I'm fainting.
Oh,
who could blame you?
There's not a man alive who can
handle this kind of pressure.
I will deliver the baby.
Honey, give me
two deep breaths.
1, 2...
There she is.
We'll call her Liza.
I had a 17-hour labor
with a rare diagonal breach,
no epidural,
and that nerd is trying
to take it away from me?
I warned Evan,
but he didn't listen.
He's stubborn.
That's why he'll be
a good politician.
He only cares
about the votes.
And Navy men don't faint!
They pass out
and hit the ground hard
with their pants off and
their shoes on, like men.
Why does our house look
like a Vermont B&B
inside a whaling ship?
I want Harvard to feel at home
for Eddie's interview.
- The theme is "New England Snoot."
- Smart.
Ma,
do I really have
to wear all this?
I mean, look at me.
- I want to kick my ass.
- Eddie, you look great...
Like a hip
1970's IBM executive.
Places.
Places, everyone.
- Afta-noon! - Afta-noon!
- Afta-noon!
Hello.
That wasn't creepy at all.
Andy Richter?
You know this intelligent man?
Oh, he's the co-host of
"Late Night with Conan O'Brien."
- The talk show?
- I understand zero of those words.
Yeah, it's a great job.
I sit on the couch
and laugh at Conan's jokes.
Hey, me too.
Alright, look,
it's not that easy, okay?
I mean, there's... lights
and stuff.
So, Andy,
you're a Harvard alum?
Oh, God, no.
My name is Andy. Come on.
No, but Conan is,
and sometimes he does
interviews for them,
and then he asks me to do
the interviews for him.
Mm. I like this Conan.
Eh, everybody does.
He's Conan.
He's tall, he's handsome,
he signs my checks.
So, uh, can I get you anything?
Tea?
Something to eat?
My "Simpsons" spec
scriptto give to Conan?
Uh, no, it's alright.
I'll just talk to Eddie.
- Okay.
- And you know what?
I will have something
to eat.
And drink.
Evan, thank you for
the block-party update.
My pleasure.
Gonna be a scorcher out there,
so sunscreen up, girls.
Up next
are elections
for HOA Vice President.
Any nominations?
Uh, I nominate
Emery Huang.
I accept.
For those who don't know me,
I'm a spelling-bee champ,
writing a memoir,
and love a tucked-in polo!
Those are my credentials.
Just giving people
what they want.
It takes a lot of marbles
to side swipe the guy
holding a wooden hammer.
Ooh!
Whoa, Eddie.
You really nailed the SATs.
What was that like?
Tough. I filled in so many ovals,
I didn't have the strength to
zip up my pants for a week.
Well, zippers
are complicated.
I think the Amish are ahead
of the curve on that one.
Oh, don't mind me.
Just taking Eddie's cello
to the conservatory.
Ooh! Cello...
The man's violin.
Well, actually,
I'm more of a beat boxer.
No kidding!
Let 'er rip.
♪ Ah-booty, booty, booty jam
No, no, over here,
ignore that now!
Eddie's telescope.
Houston, we have a genius.
Gosh, maybe it would be easier
if I just interviewed you.
Great idea.
Well, uh, Eddie,
do you have any questions
for me, for Conan,
for Harvard?
Yes.
How hard will
they make him work?
Eddie loves hard work.
- Huh?
- Huh.
Well, he didn't at first.
I've always had to
push him to succeed.
Eddie, focus!
Aah!
Where's my bed?!
Beds are for people
who work hard.
Recommit yourself to school
and hard work,
you get your bed back.
Mom?
For the next
three months
while I'm busy
studying for grad school,
you will be by my side
PSAT prepping.
Study buddies.
Wow. You've really
done a lot for Eddie.
I drive my boys
to be the best.
Jessica don't raise
mediocre.
That's actually
very helpful to hear.
Yes,
that's why I said it.
Alright, well, uh,
I've got to get going.
"Conan" has another interview
in Daytona Beach.
Uh, hey, Andy.
Uh, complimentary
basket of oranges.
My "Simpsons" spec scriptis
on the bottom.
Homer takes Lisa square
dancing and then loses her.
It's called "Do-Si-D'oh!"
Yeah, perfect.
They're always hungry for
ideas from the random public.
Really? That's great.
Mm.
So, what did you think of Eddie?
What will you tell the school?
Should I preorder
my license plate for him now?
Okay, look, I've done
a lot of these things,
and Harvard is not
gonna be a fit.
What?
Oh, it was his
mouth-rapping, wasn't it?
Oh, no, no,
that was excellent...
I mean,
Michael Winslow-nian.
No, i-it's not so much Eddie
as it is you.
Me?
Yeah, you're a bit of
a helicopter mom,
and Harvard's found that, when
a parent is so... invested
that the kid tends
to fizzle out
once they're finally
on their own.
Eh, helicopter mom,
that's not me.
Hey, who put this in my room?
Well,
thanks for the oranges.
Eddie can't go to Harvard
because of me.
Jessica. I pushed you
your whole life
for a school like Harvard,
but I pushed too hard.
I failed you.
What?
No, I wasn't tha tbig
on Harvard anyways.
I mean, their mascot's
a friggin' color.
Well, I guess there are
other top schools.
Why, it is the Ivy League
after all.
Or there are
other options.
Okay, new plan!
We go to the schools
to interview.
We ambush them.
I'll find
the admissions director,
tell him that if he doesn't
accept Eddie,
it's time
for some smacks...
Hitting smacks,
not kissing smacks.
Ma, you don't have to
do that.
Of course I do.
I ruined Harvard!
You didn't ruin it,
because I didn't want to go to college.
I want to go to
culinary school.
Then I guess I really did
fail you as a mother.
Okay.
I'll tally the votes.
Hey, dingbat.
What the "H" was that?
You took credit
for my success,
plucked my feathers
for your cap.
I was just proving a point.
Well,
this isn't a joke, kid.
This is the doggone
HOA Vice Presidency!
- Mm.
- Doesn't feel so good
when someone steals
your story, does it?
The dark underbelly
of plagiarism.
Evan, you saw how
everyone reacted
when I shared your story.
It's powerful enough
on its own.
When you get to
high school,
the operating room,
the oval office...
you don't need to be anything
other than who you are.
I love that guy.
Alright, y'all.
Congrats to the new
Vice President,
Emery Huang!
This... This is why
we need to do away
with the popular vote.
Here's the thing, kids,
but I've taken this sucker
to 150 miles an hour
on a residential street.
Taking the ranchon the road.
Brings me back to
my Dolly days...
Minus the groupies
and the wigs.
Oh, you worked
at Dollywood?
I wasn't sure, because
you haven't mentioned it
since yesterday.
Yo, Pops.
Ma's not doing so well.
Oh, yowza.
Mac and cheese?
And we're
out of LACTAID.
This is my fault.
I shouldn't have pushed you
to do that interview.
No, it's my bad.
I knew she'd hate
culinary school,
but I thought
she'd be mad, not sad.
I broke Mom.
Okay, verybody.
Let's keep that energy going
for Jessica Huang,
who's singing next.
♪ Listen as your day unfolds ♪
♪ Challenge what
the future holds ♪
♪ Try and keep your head
up to the sky ♪
- Oof. I heard Harvard's out.
- ♪ Lovers, they may cause you tears ♪
Yeah, well, Andy Richter
called her a bad mom.
♪ Go ahead, release your fears ♪
- Aw, hell no.
- ♪ Show up and be counted ♪
♪ Don't be ashamed
to cry ♪
♪ Herald what
your mother said ♪
♪ Read the books
your father read ♪
♪ Try to solve your puzzles
in your own sweet time ♪
- ♪ You gotta be bad ♪
- ♪ You gotta be bad ♪
- ♪ You gotta be bold ♪
- ♪ you gotta be bold ♪
- ♪ You gotta be wiser ♪
- ♪ You gotta be wiser ♪
- ♪ You gotta be hard ♪
- ♪ You gotta be hard ♪
- ♪ You gotta be tough ♪
- ♪ You gotta be tough ♪
- ♪ You gotta be stronger ♪
- ♪ You gotta be stronger ♪
- ♪ You gotta be cool ♪
- ♪ You gotta be cool ♪
- ♪ You gotta be calm ♪
- ♪ You gotta be calm ♪
- ♪ You gotta stay together ♪
- ♪ You gotta stay together ♪
- ♪ All I know, all I know ♪
- ♪ All I know, all I know ♪
- ♪ Love will save the day ♪
- ♪ Love will save the day ♪
- ♪ Time asks no questions ♪
- ♪ Time asks no questions ♪
- ♪ It goes on without you ♪
- ♪ It goes on without you ♪
♪ Leaving you behind ♪
If you try to suspend our son
because of this,
we will sue everyone
in this school.
♪ You can't stop it
if you try to ♪
- ♪ The best part is danger... ♪
- ♪ The best part is danger... ♪
If Oscar Chow
hadn't dumped me,
I never would have met
your father.
I wouldn't be here.
And that would be tragic.
- ♪ You gotta be bad ♪
- ♪ You gotta be bad ♪
- ♪ You gotta be bold ♪
- ♪ You gotta be bold ♪
- ♪ You gotta be wiser ♪
- ♪ You gotta be wiser ♪
- ♪ You gotta be hard ♪
- ♪ You gotta be hard ♪
- ♪ You gotta be tough ♪
- ♪ You gotta be tough ♪
- ♪ You gotta be stronger ♪
- ♪ You gotta be stronger ♪
- ♪ All I know, all I know ♪
- ♪ All I know, all I know ♪
- ♪ Love will save the day ♪
- ♪ Love will save the day ♪
Okay, I hope you're not
wearing synthetic fibers,
'cause they're about to set
the dance floor on fire.
It's Honey and Marvin.
♪ You see a faded sign
by the side of the road ♪
♪ That says 15 miles
to the ♪
♪ Love shack!
Eddie,
you didn't need to do that.
Yes, I did.
Think about all the times
you've swooped in to save me.
You've always
been there for me.
You're the best mom ever.
I'm not terrible?
Sure, you pushed me...
A lot.
Like, I'm probably gonna
have to go talk it through
with a professional
at some point,
but I'm glad you did,
because it taught me
to fight for what I want.
Dirty if you have to.
I know it's not
what you planned,
but I want to go
to culinary school.
And I just want
what's best for you.
That's all I ever wanted.
I know,
but I'm not gonna quit.
I'm never gonna quit,
because I'm Jessica Huang's kid.
You're what?
Tiiiiin roof!
- Oh.
- Rusted!
Amazing duet yesterday.
I would've joined in,
but Chestnut threw
- a piping-hot potato wedge at Trent.
- Good.
You do that thing
where you cup your ear,
but it's still pitchy.
Uh, it's called
harmonizing?
Look, about Eddie.
I know we always
wanted him to go to college,
but he has his own dreams.
Louis, we worked so hard
to get him here.
He has a golden
opportunity.
I don't want him
to throw it all away.
Well, you know,
we were his age when we left Taiwan,
and isn't this why,
so our kids could pursue
their own dreams?
How am I so bad at
fake skateboarding and you're a god?
You got slow thumbs,
Eddie.
Tina, can you
give us a minute?
You got it, Jess.
Still weird.
So, are you still into this
whole cooking-school thing?
Yeah.
Okay, fine. You can go.
Really?!
That's it?
No one's going
to stop my son
from getting what he wants,
not even me.
But you are going
to the top one.
Really, Mom?
Another life-chart?
This one...
you fill out yourself.
I'd use a pencil, son.
You never know.
Things can change.
And I reserve the right
to correct whatever you get wrong.
Like it or not,
I'm not going anywhere.
♪ Yeah
Ohh.
I'm so proud of him.
Our little Evan.
...and my brother, Emery,
who taught me
to be true to myself.
And now he's starring in
cellphone commercials.
I'm sure you've all
heard his catch phrase.
"No, boss, it's a text message!"
You know, Louis,
I'm actually glad
your mother's here,
even like this.
I'm going to be
a big ole mess later.
Yo, when this thing
wrap up?
I got Trent
running my restaurant,
and his narcolepsy's
flaring up.
I don't know how,
but we did it.
Yep.
- I did.
- Thank you.
No, I said...
Sync & corrections by srjanapala
our son isvaledictorian of Harvard.
Crazy.
Louis, pipe down.
I gave you one rule
for today, remember?
Don't
talkin a wicked Boston accent
to order lobster chowder?
Okay, fine.
Two rules.
And it's not crazy
he's up there.
He's always shown
signs of greatness.
Breakfast is served, suckas.
Boom. A literal food pyramid
made from all 10 food groups.
Frozen fish sticks
form the base,
so give her a sec to thaw
before diving in.
10 food groups? Why is it moving?
I still can't believe
you got a 1500 on your SAT.
I still can't believeyou
haven't told Mom yet.
Boys, think.
I'm a high-school junior
who doesn't listen well.
Fair. Cautiously following.
I'll tell Mom my score
when I really need
a get-out-of-jail-free card,
like, for example,
I'm in jail.
- Yeah.
- Eddie,
clean up the mess
you made in the kitchen.
I got a 1500
on my SATs.
- What?!
- Wow.
Eddie, I can't believe it!
I did it.
Captions by VITAC...
♪ Fresh off the boat
♪ I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go ♪
♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know ♪
♪ Fresh off the boat
♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪
♪ But I know where I'm goin'
♪ I'm fresh off the boat
*FRESH OFF The BOAT*
*FRESH OFF The BOAT*
Season 06 Episode 15
Episode Title :"Commencement"
You really got a 1500
on the SAT?
Yep. A 750 on
the verbal and...
whatever's left in math.
Amazing.
I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.
See, Louis?
Me pushing Eddie all these years
is finally paying off.
Top-tier colleges
are back in play.
The football teams
get worse,
but the starting salaries
skyrocket.
You did fill in the oval
letting schools get
your test scores, right?
I filled in every oval I saw...
you know, better my chances.
1500, ladies and germs.
1-5-0-0.
Well, I better clean
my pyramid mess.
No, no, no.
You stay.
You deserve to rest.
I'll do the dishes.
What the heck.
Maybe I'll even reconnect
the dishwasher.
Was that a hug?
I've never seen your mother
this happy.
That includes
our wedding day,
but definitely
not our wedding night.
We went for it.
Gross.
I don't trust this.
It's like when a stranger
offersyou candy to get in their van.
I mean, you take it...
Free candy...
But it never ends well.
Please tell me
you've never gotten in
a stranger's van before.
Eddie, your mom doesn't get
to experience pure joy often.
She refuses to watch
"Police Academy,"
doesn't "get dogs,"
calls Weird Al a hack.
Let her have this.
Eddie,
forget the kitchen.
We're going out
to celebrate!
Cele-what?
Girl, I got school.
Not today.
School can wait.
Dibs on the first
dishwasher load.
♪ Baby, I got your money ♪
♪ Hey, Dirty ♪
♪ Baby, I got your money, ♪
♪ don't you worry ♪
♪ I said hey, Dirty ♪
♪ Baby, I got your money ♪
♪ Hey, Dirty
♪ Dance if you
caught up in the Holy Ghost trance ♪
♪ If you stop,
I'm-a putthe killer ants in your pants ♪
♪ I'm the ODB, as you can see
♪ I'm just Dirt Dog trying
to make some money ♪
♪ So give me my streaks
and give me my honey ♪
♪ None of you, nuh,
better look at me funny ♪
♪ Nuh, you know my name,
now gimme my money ♪
♪ Hey
Man, I look like
"Boyz n the Hood" Ice Cube,
Asian-boy edition.
Dope.
Motherand oval-filling son.
This stays here.
I don't want
your Ivy League roommates
drooling over your mother's flawless skin.
I don't know
about the Ivy League.
I do!
That 1500 changed the game.
We need to update
your life-chart.
Evan has dibs
on president,
but we can Kennedy
this thing,
and you could be
his attorney general.
Emery can be the drunk
with the square head.
Oh, no.
Mom wrote "A Case of a Knife
to the Brain 2: The Second Knife"?
I'm penning my memoir.
I want to get
my life story down
before things get intense
in high school.
It'll be way less intense
if you keep that to yourself.
I can't be America's
first Doctor-President
without publishing
a memoir.
I even mocked up a cover.
I'll update the photowhen
I'm old enough to run,
maybe grow some stubble
for the ladies...
- Crucial demo.
- Cool.
I've outlined
my next chapter...
"Evan Huang, HOA Vice President."
How do you think
this guy went out?
Big-game hunter,
or stepped in front
of the wrong logging truck?
Pushing that much girth
around the woods?
Heart disease all day.
Hey!
Mom lifted
her bumper-sticker ban.
She wants you to put this onthe
Cattleman's delivery car.
Great.
That's what you want on your
bumper during rush hour.
Very rear-end-able.
You have a minute
to talk?
Boss Talk or Dad Talk?
Dad Talk.
Okay.
It's me, Dad.
What's up?
So, I've been thinking
a lot about college
ever since our UCLA trip.
- Great trip.
- Great trip,
but, I don't think I want
a regular school.
I want to go to
culinary school.
Culinary school?
Like for cooking.
I know what it means... Sorta.
This is big, Eddie.
I know you're working
at the restaurant with me,
but I didn't realize you were
that passionate about this.
I didn't either,
until it dawned on me
the thing I always get
excited about is food...
...creating it, cooking it,
eating it.
I love food, Dad!
I love food, too, son.
I love food, too.
You're following
in my footsteps.
Uh, my restaurant footsteps,
not my Cha Cha King of Taipei
footsteps.
Ain't nobody
following those.
Well,
I'm glad you're opento culinary school.
Ma won't be.
Yeah.
No way she had this
on my life-chart.
Hey, why don't you
make her a meal,
show her your stuff,
and then we can talk about
culinary school together?
Yeah, that'd be sick!
"Evan Huang for HOA
Vice President:
One Deidre Heartbeat Away."
You said you worked
as a mall elf
to "help
my needy brothers"?
I worked as a mall elf
to help you!
Uh, time out.
You read my memoir?
Please tell me you wore
the document gloves
sitting next to it.
You stole my story.
You lied!
I'm just giving readers
what they want... a hero.
Who cares about
the details?
I do.
You can't be presidentif you lie.
It's un-American.
Calling the first
Asian President un-American?
Pretty racist.
This is amazing.
Your mom will have to
consider culinary school.
Each dish is inspired
by her...
Anti-Hobo Stew,
Chicken a la Stephen King,
Aw Hell Gnocchi.
I was out at the mailbox,
and I saw Deidre
in the window.
Dummy took 20 minutes
to notice my sweatshirt.
- What's all this?
- Oh, I made dinner for you.
Why?
Oh, you put a baby
in that red head, didn't you?
- Jessica!
- Whoa!
No.
I just wanted
to say thank you
for everything
you've done for me.
Aww!
You got a 1500
and you cook.
You are going to make some
womanl choose a great husband.
So, Mom,
I was hoping we could talk.
Sure.
What did you want to...
Eddie got a letter
from Harvard.
I'll open it so you don't
cut your test fingers.
Okay with you?
Great!
Aah!
"Dear Edwyn Huang,
we received your SAT scores
and want to schedule
an interview
with one of our alumni"?
Ah!
Harvard wants to send an alum
here to my house
to interview Eddie,
my son.
No chance they send
Bill Gates, right?
Because I still can't get
the printer to do landscape.
I got to get moving.
I got to call Connie to gloat.
I got to redecorate the house
to Ivy League standards,
polish the fine china.
Fun fact...
That's my bowling nickname.
Dad, I want to go
to culinary school.
Do I really have to do
this interview?
It'd just be
a waste of time.
Not for your mom.
Ho, ho, ho!
Not a "yo mama" joke.
Sorry.
Eddie, she's worked hard
your whole lifeto give
you this opportunity.
Just let her have this,
and then we can talk to her about culinary.
Fine.
I'll do it... for her.
Good.
And if, for whatever reason,
cooking school
doesn't pan out...
Pan out. Nice.
...Harvard is not
the worst backup.
Speak for yourself.
I ain't built for those
Pennsylvania winters.
No, Harvard is...
Yeah.
Aah!
Ahh.
Pay up, Barbie.
Hey, why are you so quiet there,
Emory, huh?
Those freshman girls
got your tongue?
Evan's writing a memoir,
and he's stealing stories,
making things up.
Well,
he's just spinning yarns
like we used to do
in the Navy... harmless.
Not like those dirty Marines.
They're actual liars.
N... O-kay.
You can g...
Emery, your brother's
in eighth grade.
That's a tough time.
He's probably just
tooting his own horn.
- Yeah.
- Maybe I am overreacting.
I'm glad you guys
think it's okay
since you're all
in his memoir, too.
- We are? - Yeah?
- Yeah.
You should see how
he described Liza's birth.
Oh, Marvin!
Where are the keys?
- This baby is coming!
- I can't find 'em!
Oh, this is all too much,
even for a Navy man.
Oh, no.
Ohh. I'm fainting.
Oh,
who could blame you?
There's not a man alive who can
handle this kind of pressure.
I will deliver the baby.
Honey, give me
two deep breaths.
1, 2...
There she is.
We'll call her Liza.
I had a 17-hour labor
with a rare diagonal breach,
no epidural,
and that nerd is trying
to take it away from me?
I warned Evan,
but he didn't listen.
He's stubborn.
That's why he'll be
a good politician.
He only cares
about the votes.
And Navy men don't faint!
They pass out
and hit the ground hard
with their pants off and
their shoes on, like men.
Why does our house look
like a Vermont B&B
inside a whaling ship?
I want Harvard to feel at home
for Eddie's interview.
- The theme is "New England Snoot."
- Smart.
Ma,
do I really have
to wear all this?
I mean, look at me.
- I want to kick my ass.
- Eddie, you look great...
Like a hip
1970's IBM executive.
Places.
Places, everyone.
- Afta-noon! - Afta-noon!
- Afta-noon!
Hello.
That wasn't creepy at all.
Andy Richter?
You know this intelligent man?
Oh, he's the co-host of
"Late Night with Conan O'Brien."
- The talk show?
- I understand zero of those words.
Yeah, it's a great job.
I sit on the couch
and laugh at Conan's jokes.
Hey, me too.
Alright, look,
it's not that easy, okay?
I mean, there's... lights
and stuff.
So, Andy,
you're a Harvard alum?
Oh, God, no.
My name is Andy. Come on.
No, but Conan is,
and sometimes he does
interviews for them,
and then he asks me to do
the interviews for him.
Mm. I like this Conan.
Eh, everybody does.
He's Conan.
He's tall, he's handsome,
he signs my checks.
So, uh, can I get you anything?
Tea?
Something to eat?
My "Simpsons" spec
scriptto give to Conan?
Uh, no, it's alright.
I'll just talk to Eddie.
- Okay.
- And you know what?
I will have something
to eat.
And drink.
Evan, thank you for
the block-party update.
My pleasure.
Gonna be a scorcher out there,
so sunscreen up, girls.
Up next
are elections
for HOA Vice President.
Any nominations?
Uh, I nominate
Emery Huang.
I accept.
For those who don't know me,
I'm a spelling-bee champ,
writing a memoir,
and love a tucked-in polo!
Those are my credentials.
Just giving people
what they want.
It takes a lot of marbles
to side swipe the guy
holding a wooden hammer.
Ooh!
Whoa, Eddie.
You really nailed the SATs.
What was that like?
Tough. I filled in so many ovals,
I didn't have the strength to
zip up my pants for a week.
Well, zippers
are complicated.
I think the Amish are ahead
of the curve on that one.
Oh, don't mind me.
Just taking Eddie's cello
to the conservatory.
Ooh! Cello...
The man's violin.
Well, actually,
I'm more of a beat boxer.
No kidding!
Let 'er rip.
♪ Ah-booty, booty, booty jam
No, no, over here,
ignore that now!
Eddie's telescope.
Houston, we have a genius.
Gosh, maybe it would be easier
if I just interviewed you.
Great idea.
Well, uh, Eddie,
do you have any questions
for me, for Conan,
for Harvard?
Yes.
How hard will
they make him work?
Eddie loves hard work.
- Huh?
- Huh.
Well, he didn't at first.
I've always had to
push him to succeed.
Eddie, focus!
Aah!
Where's my bed?!
Beds are for people
who work hard.
Recommit yourself to school
and hard work,
you get your bed back.
Mom?
For the next
three months
while I'm busy
studying for grad school,
you will be by my side
PSAT prepping.
Study buddies.
Wow. You've really
done a lot for Eddie.
I drive my boys
to be the best.
Jessica don't raise
mediocre.
That's actually
very helpful to hear.
Yes,
that's why I said it.
Alright, well, uh,
I've got to get going.
"Conan" has another interview
in Daytona Beach.
Uh, hey, Andy.
Uh, complimentary
basket of oranges.
My "Simpsons" spec scriptis
on the bottom.
Homer takes Lisa square
dancing and then loses her.
It's called "Do-Si-D'oh!"
Yeah, perfect.
They're always hungry for
ideas from the random public.
Really? That's great.
Mm.
So, what did you think of Eddie?
What will you tell the school?
Should I preorder
my license plate for him now?
Okay, look, I've done
a lot of these things,
and Harvard is not
gonna be a fit.
What?
Oh, it was his
mouth-rapping, wasn't it?
Oh, no, no,
that was excellent...
I mean,
Michael Winslow-nian.
No, i-it's not so much Eddie
as it is you.
Me?
Yeah, you're a bit of
a helicopter mom,
and Harvard's found that, when
a parent is so... invested
that the kid tends
to fizzle out
once they're finally
on their own.
Eh, helicopter mom,
that's not me.
Hey, who put this in my room?
Well,
thanks for the oranges.
Eddie can't go to Harvard
because of me.
Jessica. I pushed you
your whole life
for a school like Harvard,
but I pushed too hard.
I failed you.
What?
No, I wasn't tha tbig
on Harvard anyways.
I mean, their mascot's
a friggin' color.
Well, I guess there are
other top schools.
Why, it is the Ivy League
after all.
Or there are
other options.
Okay, new plan!
We go to the schools
to interview.
We ambush them.
I'll find
the admissions director,
tell him that if he doesn't
accept Eddie,
it's time
for some smacks...
Hitting smacks,
not kissing smacks.
Ma, you don't have to
do that.
Of course I do.
I ruined Harvard!
You didn't ruin it,
because I didn't want to go to college.
I want to go to
culinary school.
Then I guess I really did
fail you as a mother.
Okay.
I'll tally the votes.
Hey, dingbat.
What the "H" was that?
You took credit
for my success,
plucked my feathers
for your cap.
I was just proving a point.
Well,
this isn't a joke, kid.
This is the doggone
HOA Vice Presidency!
- Mm.
- Doesn't feel so good
when someone steals
your story, does it?
The dark underbelly
of plagiarism.
Evan, you saw how
everyone reacted
when I shared your story.
It's powerful enough
on its own.
When you get to
high school,
the operating room,
the oval office...
you don't need to be anything
other than who you are.
I love that guy.
Alright, y'all.
Congrats to the new
Vice President,
Emery Huang!
This... This is why
we need to do away
with the popular vote.
Here's the thing, kids,
but I've taken this sucker
to 150 miles an hour
on a residential street.
Taking the ranchon the road.
Brings me back to
my Dolly days...
Minus the groupies
and the wigs.
Oh, you worked
at Dollywood?
I wasn't sure, because
you haven't mentioned it
since yesterday.
Yo, Pops.
Ma's not doing so well.
Oh, yowza.
Mac and cheese?
And we're
out of LACTAID.
This is my fault.
I shouldn't have pushed you
to do that interview.
No, it's my bad.
I knew she'd hate
culinary school,
but I thought
she'd be mad, not sad.
I broke Mom.
Okay, verybody.
Let's keep that energy going
for Jessica Huang,
who's singing next.
♪ Listen as your day unfolds ♪
♪ Challenge what
the future holds ♪
♪ Try and keep your head
up to the sky ♪
- Oof. I heard Harvard's out.
- ♪ Lovers, they may cause you tears ♪
Yeah, well, Andy Richter
called her a bad mom.
♪ Go ahead, release your fears ♪
- Aw, hell no.
- ♪ Show up and be counted ♪
♪ Don't be ashamed
to cry ♪
♪ Herald what
your mother said ♪
♪ Read the books
your father read ♪
♪ Try to solve your puzzles
in your own sweet time ♪
- ♪ You gotta be bad ♪
- ♪ You gotta be bad ♪
- ♪ You gotta be bold ♪
- ♪ you gotta be bold ♪
- ♪ You gotta be wiser ♪
- ♪ You gotta be wiser ♪
- ♪ You gotta be hard ♪
- ♪ You gotta be hard ♪
- ♪ You gotta be tough ♪
- ♪ You gotta be tough ♪
- ♪ You gotta be stronger ♪
- ♪ You gotta be stronger ♪
- ♪ You gotta be cool ♪
- ♪ You gotta be cool ♪
- ♪ You gotta be calm ♪
- ♪ You gotta be calm ♪
- ♪ You gotta stay together ♪
- ♪ You gotta stay together ♪
- ♪ All I know, all I know ♪
- ♪ All I know, all I know ♪
- ♪ Love will save the day ♪
- ♪ Love will save the day ♪
- ♪ Time asks no questions ♪
- ♪ Time asks no questions ♪
- ♪ It goes on without you ♪
- ♪ It goes on without you ♪
♪ Leaving you behind ♪
If you try to suspend our son
because of this,
we will sue everyone
in this school.
♪ You can't stop it
if you try to ♪
- ♪ The best part is danger... ♪
- ♪ The best part is danger... ♪
If Oscar Chow
hadn't dumped me,
I never would have met
your father.
I wouldn't be here.
And that would be tragic.
- ♪ You gotta be bad ♪
- ♪ You gotta be bad ♪
- ♪ You gotta be bold ♪
- ♪ You gotta be bold ♪
- ♪ You gotta be wiser ♪
- ♪ You gotta be wiser ♪
- ♪ You gotta be hard ♪
- ♪ You gotta be hard ♪
- ♪ You gotta be tough ♪
- ♪ You gotta be tough ♪
- ♪ You gotta be stronger ♪
- ♪ You gotta be stronger ♪
- ♪ All I know, all I know ♪
- ♪ All I know, all I know ♪
- ♪ Love will save the day ♪
- ♪ Love will save the day ♪
Okay, I hope you're not
wearing synthetic fibers,
'cause they're about to set
the dance floor on fire.
It's Honey and Marvin.
♪ You see a faded sign
by the side of the road ♪
♪ That says 15 miles
to the ♪
♪ Love shack!
Eddie,
you didn't need to do that.
Yes, I did.
Think about all the times
you've swooped in to save me.
You've always
been there for me.
You're the best mom ever.
I'm not terrible?
Sure, you pushed me...
A lot.
Like, I'm probably gonna
have to go talk it through
with a professional
at some point,
but I'm glad you did,
because it taught me
to fight for what I want.
Dirty if you have to.
I know it's not
what you planned,
but I want to go
to culinary school.
And I just want
what's best for you.
That's all I ever wanted.
I know,
but I'm not gonna quit.
I'm never gonna quit,
because I'm Jessica Huang's kid.
You're what?
Tiiiiin roof!
- Oh.
- Rusted!
Amazing duet yesterday.
I would've joined in,
but Chestnut threw
- a piping-hot potato wedge at Trent.
- Good.
You do that thing
where you cup your ear,
but it's still pitchy.
Uh, it's called
harmonizing?
Look, about Eddie.
I know we always
wanted him to go to college,
but he has his own dreams.
Louis, we worked so hard
to get him here.
He has a golden
opportunity.
I don't want him
to throw it all away.
Well, you know,
we were his age when we left Taiwan,
and isn't this why,
so our kids could pursue
their own dreams?
How am I so bad at
fake skateboarding and you're a god?
You got slow thumbs,
Eddie.
Tina, can you
give us a minute?
You got it, Jess.
Still weird.
So, are you still into this
whole cooking-school thing?
Yeah.
Okay, fine. You can go.
Really?!
That's it?
No one's going
to stop my son
from getting what he wants,
not even me.
But you are going
to the top one.
Really, Mom?
Another life-chart?
This one...
you fill out yourself.
I'd use a pencil, son.
You never know.
Things can change.
And I reserve the right
to correct whatever you get wrong.
Like it or not,
I'm not going anywhere.
♪ Yeah
Ohh.
I'm so proud of him.
Our little Evan.
...and my brother, Emery,
who taught me
to be true to myself.
And now he's starring in
cellphone commercials.
I'm sure you've all
heard his catch phrase.
"No, boss, it's a text message!"
You know, Louis,
I'm actually glad
your mother's here,
even like this.
I'm going to be
a big ole mess later.
Yo, when this thing
wrap up?
I got Trent
running my restaurant,
and his narcolepsy's
flaring up.
I don't know how,
but we did it.
Yep.
- I did.
- Thank you.
No, I said...
Sync & corrections by srjanapala