Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 14 - Family Van - full transcript

When the trusty family van takes a turn for the worse, Jessica and Louis each process the loss in their own way; the boys sneak off on a road trip to find their Washington, D.C., time capsule.

Magic Kingdom, Epcot,

the Monorail... where to start?

I can't wait to feel Gaston's biceps.

I can't believe we've lived
in Orlando for six years

and never been to Disney.

Well, they should've
allowed Orlando residents

a discount before today.

This is the best day ever.

I'm gonna ride Space
Mountain till I puke.

Eddie, hit us with some tunage

to commemorate the happiest
moment of our lives.

On it.

"Hakuna Matata!"

What a wonderful phrase.

Hakuna Matata!

♪ Ain't no passing craze ♪

♪ It means no worries for
the rest of your days ♪

♪ It's our problem-free philosophy ♪

♪ Hakuna Matata ♪


It's our fault.

We were too happy.

That tow truck driver did not like you.

We could've had a
nice, silent drive back,

but no, you had to ask that
guy how he got into towing.

I wanted to butter him up

before asking if he
ever towed a celebrity.

Oh, remind me, who did he tow?

Kathy Griffin.

Hey. Good news...

I finally found the wrench
I needed to fix your van.

Oh, great!

See, Louis, I told you
it's not a big deal.

Ah, I should've told
you the bad news first.

The wrench didn't do so much.

You need to take her to a mechanic.

This job is beyond my capability.

It took you six hours

to determine it's
beyond your capability?

You had mice in your air filter.

I saw a live birth.

20 babies.

Fine, we'll have it towed
to the mechanic tomorrow.

Eddie can use the Cattlecar
to drive the boys around.

Man, I can't believe the
van is so out of shape.

Maybe if you didn't
constantly ride her brakes

and just let the old gal dance...

Me?! You're the one who
comes to a complete stop

at every intersection.

Why don't you just roll
through like a normal person?

That's why I love the
ocean. No stop signs.

You try to put one up, it
sinks right to the bottom.

Can't you just put it on a buoy?

Oh, you have a three-mile-long anchor

to keep that buoy in place, wise-ass?

We have to clean out the van
before the tow truck arrives.

They steal.

Oh, look, a receipt

from that time we got
Sheila washed professionally.

Oh, I saved that in case I
wanted to return the car wash.

Remember? It was right
after you tased me.

Richard Ramirez, Night Stalker!

What a memory.

Mm. It's trash.

That's fine. I have another keepsake.

The taser threw off my heartbeat.

It skips a thump-thump
every now and then.

Keep cleaning.

Whoa. A fry.

- It's hard as a rock.
- Dibs.

Oh! My old earpiece! Wow.

I lost this on the
trip down here from D.C.

♪ I saw the sign ♪

♪ And it opened up my
eyes, I saw the sign ♪

- ♪ Life is dema... ♪
- Ugh, Dad, turn off the music!

Six years later, and we're still

a bunch of dorks singing in a van.

Check it out. My old swim trunks!

Oh, from when we tried to
take the van for a joyride.


We need our bathing
suits for Wet 'n Wild!

My swimmies!

We did not make it far.

What's this map?

Let me see that bad boy.

I drew this map after we
buried that time capsule in D.C.

I wonder if it's still there.

A map? Possible treasure?

It's like "The Goonies",
but with three Asian boys!

- Three inoffensive Asian boys.
- Hmm.

I can't even remember what
we put in that time capsule.

Hmm. I was 10.

But if I know young Eddie,

that little scamp probably
put a bag of farts in there.

How you got a 1500 on
your SATs, I'll never know.

Yeah. To be honest, I never
thought you'd get into college.

Yeah, we just assumed
you'd live at home forever.

Me too.

Turns out my brain had other plans.

It's gonna be weird when it's
not the three of us anymore.

Yeah. It just won't be the same.

Poor Sheila.

We bought this van on our wedding night.

I taught Eddie how to drive in it.

I remember things, too, Louis.

It's just we've been through
so much with this van.

So many memories.

Yes. Here's a new memory...

I'm taking this car down to
Kareem's. You stay here.

They always talk you

into buying unnecessary upgrades
and nonsensical trinkets.

I'm sure I have no idea what you mean.


So I always know

where to put my hands
on the steering wheel.


Is that suit really necessary?

Hey, I respect our piano teacher.

The first song he taught
us was "Chopsticks".

Does that not bother you?
Because it bothers me.

Well, I'm glad you guys

have mixed feelings
on this piano teacher

because... you're not going.

But we're finally gonna find out

what that middle pedal does today!

Well, this pedal hits the gas,

and we're riding it all the way to D.C.

- What?!
- What?!

We're finally doing that
Huang boys road trip.

And this time, there's no stopping us.

Oh, we're way below E.

Did you guys bring your wallet?

Because typically, the
driver doesn't pay for gas,


This close call with Sheila's
really got me thinking

how much I take her for granted.

As soon as we get her back, I'm
gonna change her oil every day.

You know who burns a lot of oil?

Dale Earnhardt.

What a racist.

You mean, "racer"?

Ma, you gotta go back to using Mandarin.

You're gonna get in trouble.

Hey! How's the van doing?

Great. I sold it.

You sold Sheila?!

It needed too much work

and the mechanic at
Kareem's offered to buy it.

It was the pragmatic solution.

I can't believe you
made such a big decision

without consulting me!

Says the guy who purchased
multiple vehicles without me...

the Accord, the riding lawn
mower, the 40-foot RV...

It was 35, but point taken.

And this is different.

She was practically a
member of our family.

There are days I wish
she lived in the garage

instead of Grandma.

Every day I wish that.

But Louis, this is just a hunk of metal.

Get over it.

Robo-Cop was just a hunk of
metal, and he saved a town!

I assume. Never saw it.

Okay, the Cattlecar's got a full tank,

and I got the next three
meals taken care of...

bag o' hot dogs.

- I'm vegan. I don't eat hot dogs.
- Me neither.

After I read "mechanically
separated" on the label.

It doesn't matter.

- We're not going on a road trip to D.C.
- Yes, you are!

You guys need to learn to live a little.

I'm gonna be gone soon.
There's gonna be nobody around

to teach you guys how to have fun.

Fun? You're about to
drive us 1,200 miles

with no plan, no luggage,

and a bagful of gas station hot dogs.

And I don't even have my night guard.

Guys, we'll figure that out as
we go. That's the fun of it!

Oh yeah, gonna be a real bounce house

when Mom figures out we've
been missing for two days.

I've already got that covered.

I told Mom we're having
a sleepover at Walter's.

As long as we're back tomorrow
by 8:00 p.m., we're good.

Okay, what're you hiding?

Most Eddie adventures
are all about Eddie.

Hence the name.


Never mind. I'll trademark that later.

You guys are right.
I do want something...

I wanna find out what's
inside that time capsule.

Don't you?

- I'm a little intrigued.
- Yeah.

Baseball cards, stamps, comic books.

You guys were into a ton of nerd crap.

Hell of a sales pitch, Eddie.

Sorry, nerd... stuff.

Point is, real people
are into that junk now.

That's true.

There could be something
in there worth money.

Yes! And depending on
how deep we buried it,

we could hit oil.

Okay, we're in.

You packed shovels, right?


- Ho, boss.
- Whoa.

What's with the heavy cattle hands here?

- Things okay at home?
- It's Jessica.

Ohh. Divorce?

You did it, Lou.

Well, the first time
always feels the best.

Honestly, we all saw it coming.

Mi futon es su futon.

- Hector, it's happening!
- What? No!

Our van's dead.

Sheila?! She was family!

How are you even at work right now?

See? You get it.

That van's been a part
of so many memories,

and it's like Jessica doesn't even care.

We bought it on our wedding night.

Yeah, when I said goodbye to my Jag,

I didn't leave my house for a month.

Couldn't even bear the
sight of another car.

Still can't.

She always sweeps her
emotions under the rug,

and that isn't a healthy way to grieve.

Or clean.

Whoa, Trent with the quick wit.

Orange lightning.

I've been trying to
pay better attention.

- Well, it's working.
- I don't know, Lou.

This doesn't make any sense to me.

Maybe the car doesn't
mean that much to Jessica.

Of course it means something to her.

I have to help her learn
to process her feelings,

get her to admit she's
sad about the van.

If she doesn't, I'm worried
it'll explode out of her.

Like the alien in "Alien".

Oof, I do not see scary movies anymore

ever since I did a pee-pee
during "The Exorcist".

♪ And the caravan is
painted red and white ♪

What are you doing?

Oh, listening to a little Van Morrison.

Reading about Martin Van Buren.

Eating some van-Illa ice cream.

Just another normal day in Louis-ville.

Louis, you're not a multitasker.

You're gonna give yourself a cold.

♪ ... tells us of her ways ♪

♪ La, la, la-la ♪

Hey! We just passed the sign

for the world's biggest peanut.

You guys always wanted
to see that, right?

Peanut! Peanut!

Peanut! Peanut! Peanut! Peanut!

♪ Turn up ♪

♪ Your radio ♪

- ♪ And let me hear a song ♪
- Louis.

Why am I sleeping on an auto part?

Oh, how'd that get
there? Poor little guy.

Probably misses you and all
the memories you had together.

♪ What is really wrong ♪

I know this is a controversial take,

but I'm more of a moon guy.

If this is a set-up to you mooning us,

I'm not falling for it again.

You guys are getting smarter.

You know what we never do anymore?

Walk down memory lane.

You know...

... relive our wedding night,
when we bought the van?

It was magical.

Oh, Louis.

I've been thinking about the van, too.

You have?


We have to get rid of that poop-mobile.

♪ La-la, la la ♪

I think I might've put
on your tuxedo by mistake,

because this is tight.

Well, we made it to D.C.

With time to spare.

And that includes the
three hours we wasted

before we realized you were
driving to Washington state.

Hey, I didn't hear many complaints

when you were dipping your
toes in the Chattahoochee.

Guys, don't hate me, but I've
gotta quote Madonna here...

this used to be our playground.

I'll allow it.

We used to love those swings.

Hey, and the metal slide.

- Eddie burned his butt on it that summer.
- Worth it.

I made 2 bucks off Grandma.

Okay, now let's bust out
this map and get to digging.

Ugh, those hot dogs are
starting to fight back.

So, if "X" marks the spot,

why are there so many on here?

To throw people off the scent
in case someone finds our map.

So, you have no idea
which "X" is the right one.

This map is useless.

Hey! Don't be mad at 10-year-old Eddie.

That dude was the best.

Guys, it's not the end of the world.

So we have to dig a few more holes.

We'll do it together.

Try over there by the tree.

I have an idea... why don't you
help us find the time capsule?

I can't. I keep throwing up.

And half of me is shivering,
and half of me is sweating.

I'm not a doctor, but I
think I might've picked up

a waterborne parasite
in the Chattahooch'.

Or maybe it was one of the two dozen

gas station hot dogs that you ate.

I hope not.

Last time I was taken
down by a pack of gas dogs,

I was out of commission for days.

Last time? Why do you keep eating them?

Why do they keep making them?

If you can't drive us home in time,

Mom's gonna find out and kill us.

I-I-I think I can drive.

I just can't sit, think,
or process moving objects.

Of course this is happening.
This is so typical Eddie.

Sorry for trying to
show you guys a fun time.

This is fun to you?!

You're doubled over
in the fetal position,

we're digging holes, stressed
out about how to get home.

And I'm wearing a suit!

You're the best-dressed
guy in this local park.

What are you complaining about?

You know what? Who cares.

At least this is the last time
we're gonna have to do this.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means you'll be gone,

and we won't have to
deal with your nonsense.

Can't come soon enough for me.


I'll be in the car. Windows down.

God, I can't take Eddie anymore.

He's the worst.

Hey, Louis, look.
Automatic sliding doors.

It's not fast or practical,
but I must have it.

But so expensive.

I wonder if they have any used ones.

Would ya lookie here!

It's Sheila.

Would you like to say anything to her?

Louis, that's enough! It's just a car!

Jessica, it's ridiculous

that our van doesn't
mean anything to you.

We raised our family in this.
It's practically a part of us!

Look at them.

Really? Nothing?

Hey, I'm Calvin.

Can I help put you in a van today?

Wait. You look familiar.

Didn't you buy a giant RV,

then try to return it with
your wife's picture on the side?

No, that doesn't sound like us.

'Cause I could swear that's her.

Stealing one of our vans.


She just blew through that stop sign.

She doesn't believe in them.

So, your wife just
drove off the property?

That's pretty bad-ass,
except for the felony part.

Oh, I knew something bad
like this might happen.

She's been repressing her
feelings, and it's not healthy.

Sure. We have two options here.

We can either call the police

or we can buddy-cop
this mother ourselves

and chase her down.

Um, the not call-the-police one.

I was really hoping you'd say that.

It's been a fantasy of mine for a while.

Oh, great. We need to
hurry. She's getting away.

That's how the fantasy always starts.

Unfortunately, I'm only allowed
to take a vehicle off the lot

if it's for a test drive.

Fine! Whatever it takes, let's go!

Great! I just need your license

so I can make a few copies, we
have to fill out a few forms,

then we'll be on our way.


Um, hey, which car do you
wanna take as the chase van?

Uh, the blue, the gold, or the red?

Any car is fine.

Heyyy, Calvin's got one on the hook.

I can't believe we
found the time capsule.

I can't believe how many
pet collars we dug up.

So many named "Rover".

- Mm.
- Take 10 minutes to brainstorm.

It's a member of your family.

Let's just hope there's something

valuable enough in here to
get us plane tickets home.


My rubber ducky!

Ronnie Hardnose!

That's right. You were
in a big bath phase.

- I was into self-care before it got cool.
- Mm.

A bag of farts.

- Eddie.
- At least he's consistent.

A picture of Mom?

That's mine!

She hasn't aged a day.

I remember why we put
this stuff in here.

We were super sad about moving.

And Eddie said if we buried
our most prized possessions,

we'd always have a
reason to come back here.

He was right.

10-year-old Eddie
really was the best dude.

Present-day Eddie's not too bad either.

- Hmm.
- We're lucky to have him.


You're not gonna believe this.

Eddie's at the back of this photo,

and look what he's holding.

A hot dog?!

I mean, what is his deal?


Did she just swerve to make a right turn

all the way from the left lane?

- She trying to lose us?
- No. That's just how she drives.

Crap! Where'd she go?

Oh. She's going west.

Which we know, thanks to the
in-mirror digital compass.

Honestly, I don't know
how much more technology

- you could put in a car.
- Alright, I get it.

We found the time capsule.

What was in it... betrayal?

Actually, it was a rubber duck,

a picture of Mom, and a bag of farts.

Ew. A picture of Mom?

Sorry about earlier. It
really was a fun trip.

Yeah, thanks for kidnapping us.

You were right... we needed it.

Actually, you were right.

I wasn't doing it for
you, I did it for me.

I wanted more time with you.

I'm gonna miss you guys.

Alright, let's go. I'll drive.

Are you sure you can do it?

Not at all. But we're gonna try.

One last adventure.


She's pulling over.

Probably 'cause we only put
a gallon of gas in there.

- Remember, Kareem play defense first.
- Ah.

Thanks for letting me borrow
the van for a test-drive, Calvin.

Hey, I got an extra
ticket tomorrow night

to the Orlando Magic. Wanna come with?

I always overstep.

Um, Jessica? You stole a car.


- Why?
- Because of you.

- Me?!
- Yes!

You kept pushing me and pushing me,

and I finally snapped.

Well, I pushed you to
confront your feelings

because it's crazy that this
van means nothing to you.

Of course the van means something to me.

Taking it to the mechanic

was one of the worst days of my life...

I'm not leaving without
a free oil change.

And I want you to take down that
naked lady calendar behind you.

Unfortunately, the van's gonna
need more than an oil change.

I mean, truth be told,

it's gonna cost so much to repair,

you might as well sell it.

You mean you can't fix it?

I know, it's tough.

I mean, I see it all the
time with a family minivan...

you know, you ride it hard,

take it everywhere with the kids.

It's no wonder these things break down.

But hey, it's just a
hunk of metal, right?

Right. Uh, I think I
left my purse in the van.

- Let me just go get it.
- Okay.

I hated to give up the van,
but it was the only real choice.

Well, then why were you so
quick to research new cars?

I was coping.

I was trying to tell
myself it would be okay.

But it's not just the van, Louis.

Our nest is thinning.

The boys are growing up, and
it's all happening so fast.

And when you squeezed
into that tuxedo...

- It totally fit.
- ... and kept showing me pictures

of us and the van,

it just made it hurt more.

I wasn't expecting to see it again,

and then I did, and...

I don't know, I snapped.

Jessica, I had no idea. I'm
so sorry for pushing you.

It's okay that we grieve differently.

I know you like to immediately
talk everything through,

but that's just not me.

I see that now.

So, how did you even find me?

A good husband knows
how to stalk his wife.

You followed my path of
destruction, didn't you?

I still don't know how
you missed that stroller.

We finally made it to Disney World.

What a great day.

The part I liked the most

was I accidentally
joined a different family.

You gotta admit, Jessica,

today was totally worth the splurge.

And what a splurge it was.

I can't believe you got Kareem
to throw in a free set of tires

considering we were negotiating

against a grand theft auto charge.

I also got him to throw in these.

One hand up, one around my lady.

Don't make me regret not going
for the headlight eyelashes.

Today was great, but not as great

as that sleepover at Walter's.

Yes, Walter's was fun.

We slept there overnight

and did not get a speeding
ticket in North Carolina.

Oh, God.

There's so much to teach
you and so little time.