Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 13 - Mommy and Me - full transcript

Mmm!

Really, Dad? Another burger?

Whoa!

You gonna take that
from your own kid, Lou?

Come on, fight back.
Make fun of his hands.

No, we've just been eating a lot
of burgers together lately.

We formed a club, the Burger Boys.

Whenever a place has
the balls to advertise

the "Best Burger in Orlando,"

it's the Burger Boys' job
to put it to the test.

It's been a really fun
way to hang out with two of my sons.



Food is just brain-fuel.

My girlfriend Sicily
makes nutrition bars

so we can focus on what matters...

Science and holding hands.

You touch her knee yet?

Shut up!

Almost.

Thank you for scheduling
this dinner so late.

I can't get out of the house
while Maria's awake anymore.

Sure you can. Use the door.

No, she is just so clingy,

she has a tantrum
whenever I leave the room.

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!

It's okay, sweetie!



Mommy's right here!

She has a shy bladder, though,

so the more you scream,
the longer this'll take.

Mommy, where are you?

Honey, you have to start ignoring her.

Teach her that she doesn't
get attention by yelling.

She only gets it through hard
work and academic achievement.

That worked with your boys?

You ignored them and that fixed it?

Oh, they never needed it.

They're so independent, especially now.

In fact, it's freed me up for...

Hey! Eyes on me!

I am pleased to announce
that I will finally

be recording an audiobook
of my under-appreciated novel,

"A Case of a Knife to the Brain."

I'll be doing an R-rated version
and an X-rated version.

Ooh!

You should've said all ears on you.

It's an audiobook.

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

"As Jennifer Hong got up
to the bazooka factory rafters,

she saw a door.

Her elegant fingers grasped
the knob, turned the knob,

and pulled the knob..."

Ooh! Sorry, are you recording?

Hi.

Honey, why is there a child on your leg?

I gave you perfect advice.
She should be obedient by now.

Actually, your advice worked too well.

Oh, yes. My curse.

I ignored her, and she calmed down,

but then I started to miss

all that clinginess and affection.

Oh, yes. Your curse.

I guess, but right now,
she's my precious little girl.

Don't you miss when your boys
were this young?

No. I put in the work,

and I taught them to study hard,
feed themselves,

so now I can focus on my own life again.

Speaking of which...

"And as the bazooka factory
rafter door creaked open..."

Wow, your door impression is incredible.

That wasn't me.
I can only do doors closing.

I haven't mastered doors opening yet.

Evan. What's wrong?

Sicily broke up with me.

Oh, my precious little boy!

Come here! It's okay!

I told you it's hard
to ignore your children.

This is totally different.

This isn't a baby crying for more milk.

This is a beautiful young man,

who has been betrayed
by an evil, ugly witch.

Okay. Come on, Maria.

Bye.

I'm telling you, turducken
is not Thanksgiving-exclusive.

We could do it year-round.

And I'm telling you... I see
"turd" on a restaurant menu?

I'm eating somewhere else.

We've got another one, boys!

Looks like Burger Barrel
thinks they have

the "Best Burger in Orlando."

Those suckers don't know
what they're in for.

You mean when you buy
their food and talk about it?

Trent, just... Okay?

Hey, boss, think I could
get in on the action this time?

Oh, sorry, Chestnut,

but this is more of
a Huang-boys-only thing.

Alright. Yeah.

I guess you would have to adopt me.

Which would be crazy, right?

Right?

Whoa, no bacon bits?

I get it, saving space for the beef.

Smart.

I could learn from you.

Well, actually...

Look, I wasn't sure
how to say this before,

but I was watching PBS,
and there was this documentary

called "Fatal Farming."

Long story short...

God, why is this so hard?

The thing is...

I'm vegan now.

A vegan?

No.

No boss's son of mine is
gonna be a stinkin' vegan!

Here I am, ready to give
my left chestnut

to be a Burger Boy,

and you're gonna give
a spot to this little...

leaf-muncher?!

It's disgusting!

- Whoa, you need to cool down!
- Oh, I need to cool down!

I'm sorry, boss.

You never think it'll be your kid.

Sorry, just playing catch-up here,

but what's a vegan?

It's like a vegetarian,
except you don't eat

any animal products, not just meat.

So no dairy, no eggs...

Wait, what about candy?
Can you still eat candy?

Guys, this doesn't have
to be a whole thing.

I don't need to eat burgers
to be a Burger Boy.

It'll still be fun to hang out.

Emery's right.

Nothing has to change.
I'm sure it'll all be fine.

Yeah, you're probably right.

It'll be totally fine,

like when my sister
Tiffany stopped drinking.

Huh. I didn't know you had
a sister named Tiffany.

We don't talk about her
because she stopped being fun.

Do we have any Gatorade?

My new boyfriend's a lot of fun.

No, and keep it down.

Evan's had a tough day,
and he's trying to sleep.

You're giving Evan too much attention.

What about the advice you gave blondie?

Jenny, you eavesdrop too much.

One day, it's gonna come back
and bite you.

The last thing that tried to bite me

is waiting in the garage.

Maria is a toddler, Evan is a teenager.

It's different. Give him a day.

Tomorrow he'll be back to normal.

I got to get back.

And don't come in no matter
how much I yell "help."

Mommy, I had a bad dream.

Oh, it was just your grandmother.

Shh.

Uh... sorry.

Are you sure this is okay?

Not too weird?

Not at all.

I'm loaded on vitamin B12
with all these fresh vegetables.

I'm in a great mood.

Is it just me,

or is tofu at a burger joint
a real bummer?

It's like a cat
at a dog show. Disrespectful.

Two Double-Barrel Burgers for you.

And a seltzer for the boy
who brought in outside food.

Thanks.

Well...

Oh.

We finally found the one burger

the Hamburglar wouldn't steal.

You can tell these were frozen.

Burrrr-ger.

Boom! Got 'em!

Umm...

Are you sure you don't want to try it?

So you can see how bad it is?
One bite won't kill you.

First of all, you don't
know that. What if I choke?

Second, I'm serious
about my veganism, Dad.

But you two should enjoy.

You know, maybe we just call it.

There's something about this place

that isn't as fun as I thought.

Oh, that reminds me.

There's this vegan restaurant,
Cafe Fiona, that says

they have the Best Veggie Burger
in Orlando.

Whaddaya say we put 'em
in their place, huh?

Oh, wow, yeah. Cool. Can't wait.

You're not gonna like the price,

but that's what it costs
to make a patty out of beans.

And bun out of beans.

And cheese out of beans.

And the parking's valet-only.

Soothes the vocal cords...

and boosts fertility?

Just do one thing well.

Oh, you're looking refreshed,
how are you feeling?

Better. Spending time with you always
makes me feel better, Mommy.

Great. That's solved.

My cords are soothed. It's time.

What's happening? What... What is this?

Spending yesterday together
felt so good,

I thought, why not do it again?

Oh. Another day of that.

Okay, I guess you can
observe my process.

Hm.

Out you go. You're gonna miss the bus.

Are you gonna be waiting
here when I get home?

- I promise.
- Which room?

Uhp, the door's closing.

Jessica, you were right...

You make a perfect door-closing sound.

I can make the perfect
ass-kissing sound.

Evan is more clingy than ever.

I thought I raised him
to be the perfect machine.

But I didn't account
for one thing... love.

Now he's turned on his creator.

Like the "Terminator."

I need a plan.

How do you fix someone
who's just been dumped?

I really wish I could help,

but I've actually never had
my heart broken.

My nicknames in high school
were "Honey the Heartbreaker"

and another I just realized
I shouldn't tell you guys.

I've never had my heart broken either.

One guy tried, but he
woke up the next morning

with his mattress
floating down the Potomac.

Embarrassing for a senator.

I always do the dumping.

I've dumped 14 boyfriends this year.

Hey, babe.

You wanted to talk?

Time to make it 15.

Let's do this in the garage.

- Hmm?
- Okay. The garage.

That's it.

I just need to talk to some duds
who've been dumped.

Did Jenny get a nurse?

What just happened?

Dud.

A lot of hemp on these vegans.

Number 50! Your food's sprouted!

That's us!

50?

You mean 49 other people
ordered this crap?

I can't believe we're stuck here

instead of trying Leroy's Burger Town.

Did you see their ad?

I did. Scrambled eggs in a burger patty?

Sounds terrible, but also maybe amazing?

- Who knows?
- Not us.

But we can't eat that
around Emery. It's too weird.

Look, it'll all be fine.

He's probably just going
through a phase.

You know how he's been.

Gentlemen, ready your wit.

The "Best Veggie Burger
in Orlando" is served!

Wait, it's just veggie stuff?

Not like, a veggie/beef mix?

Wait, I have my shoe bologna!

Oh, damn it. I ate it in the car.

Ugh! This tastes like cardboard

that was left out in the rain.

There's definitely dirt in here.

And it might be on purpose.

What if this isn't a phase?

You can really taste the chickpea husks.

Thank you, Mother Earth, right?

Welcome, heartbroken flops.

Thank you for meeting
with me here today.

Yeah. Sure thing.
Always a pleasure. Sup.

You're all here because
you've been dumped before...

Some, I'm assuming, more than others.

Guilty!

But you've all managed to bounce back

and become mostly functioning adults.

How?

Marvin?

Oh, well, I just rebounded

the way my father taught me...

Move south and date younger.

My high-school sweetheart
was a 50-year-old in Maine.

"Marvin... useless."

Never thought these words
would come out of my mouth,

but, Matthew Chestnut, please speak.

Well, uh, let me tell ya...

Me and Madam Heartbreak
go way, way back.

I hate you.

But every time she does pay me a visit,

I just crack open a bottle of whiskey,

put on an old Western,

and weep until my eyes
are as dry as the desert sands.

Spoken like a man who's
never been to the desert.

Y'know, it's truly amazing
how many tears

one man can produce in a single month.

"Never talk to Chestnut again."

Alright, tank-top.

Prove your worth.

Hmm? What?

- I-I'm sorry.
- Go, man.

This hangover is killing me.

I-I had a wild night out

with the boys last night, y'know?

Jackson bought some shots,
Trey invited some babes,

Cody did some sick backflips.

By the end of the night I had forgotten

about your mother-in-law...
And my home address.

You know, unlike your choice in women,

that idea is not half-bad.

A party could get Evan off my back

and might help him
get over his break-up.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Hmm.

Okay, I just have to ask.

I grew up in Bangor.

Was she a thin woman with glasses?

No.

She was a tub of clam chowder
with perfect vision.

Whew!

"She sipped her coffee."

"The clock ticked.

Seconds turned into minutes.

Minutes turned into hours.

Hours turned into days.

Days turned into weeks.

She flagged down the waitress.

'More coffee?'

One cup turned into two.

Two cups turned into three..."

Mommy!

I forgot how bad
the school cafeteria food is.

Can you please make me a healthy snack?

Please, Mommy?

Maybe in a bit, but first

I have a different,
original idea of my own.

Call your friends and tell them
you're having a sleepover!

But you said sleepovers are just a scam

to get free babysitting.

They are, but I'll make an exception.

You're the best, Mommy!

I'll go call people right now.

And you'll do this... without me?

Sure!

"Three cups turned into four.

Four cups turned into five.

She asked for the bathroom code.

It was 9-7-2-5-3-1-8-0..."

Mom?

Damn it, Emery!

She was just about to meet
Gorbachev in the bathroom!

Have you seen Eddie and Dad?
I can't find them anywhere.

Well, they said something about
going to Leroy's Burger Town.

Wait, they went to
Leroy's Burger Town without me?

Are you at Leroy's Burger Town
right now?

No.

Well...

They call this a burger?!

More like a... a booger.

Sandwich.

Cooked not good.

Don't force it.
There's a lot to figure out.

You're eating, you're talking.

Just slow down. You'll find it.

I know, I know.
I'm just so eager to please.

We're pleased, man. Pleased you're here.

You're sneaking off without me?

And you invited Trent?

What happened to Huang boys only?

Well, what happened to eating meat?

It hurts the animals!

Of course it does! It's meat!

Hey, I'm not the one that owes
an explanation here.

Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't know. Not you, Trent!

I don't know you that well,
but you seem very nice!

Well, since you two clearly
didn't want me here,

I guess I'll just go.

That's right, everyone!

Get your stares in now!

We're all dealing with something!

Alright, Zack... Truth or Math?

Truth.

Alright, boys, I'm gonna leave now.

You sure you're all okay?

Evan, you're good?

Yes, Mommy. Now please go.

Zack picked "truth."

We're in uncharted territory,
and it's gonna get weird.

Well, then? C'mon.

Who would you rather kiss...

My mom or Jeff's mom?

Ooh.

Do you have a 5?

Go fish.

We've played the whole deck.

I know you have a 5.

Go fish.

I hate to admit it, but your ex

had some good advice

about distracting Evan
with his "wild night."

I don't mean to be rude,
but you weren't paying that guy?

Not with money.

Oh, it's so nice

to finally be able to have
some time to myself!

Evan was driving me nuts,

always following me around
with the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"

The clinginess was just too much.

Just getting some juice.

Hopefully it's not too much.

Oops, there I go again.

Too much.

She gets it, Evan!

You're just wasting juice!

Well, I guess I'll leave you be,

now that you "finally
have time for yourself."

Look, Evan, I don't know

what you think you heard,
but I wasn't...

Let's check the tapes.

You were recording?

Evan was driving me
nuts, always following me around

with the "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"

Nobody learned from Watergate.

Look, Evan, I wasn't...

Don't worry, Mommy.

What's a few more cracks
in this broken heart of mine?

It'll be okay, Jessica.

I mean, parents are allowed to
mess up once in a while.

Marvin gave Maria coffee yesterday.

I've never messed up like this before.

He'll come back. They all do.

Louis still comes to me
for motherly support.

Really?

Interesting.

It's not that Marvin
isn't satisfying in bed.

- It's just, I don't have the stamina...
- Okay, Jenny, that's enough.

- Hey, Emery.
- Look, about earlier...

Yeah, about earlier indeed!

I can't believe you picked
undercooked meat blood

over your own flesh and blood.

Well, I got news for you, kid.

I run a steakhouse!
That's how we survive!

Meat paid for the clothes on your back,

meat paid for your bed,

meat paid for your commemorative coins!

Your life was built on meat!

Yeah, what's the deal, Emery?

You too good for meat now or what?

If you're too good for meat,

I guess you're too good
for... this alarm clock!

And this journal!

And this... bowl of...

loose batteries.

You know what, Dad?

I never judged you for eating
and selling meat.

I respected you.

And all I wanted was
some respect in return.

Hey, is this sleepover still happening?

Yeah, because if not, uh,
that would actually be a relief.

I need my home bathroom to...
do what I need to do.

I know I'm on your bed,
but it's not because I'm clingy.

There was just nowhere else to go.

Evan, I felt awful for hurting you.

I didn't know what to do,

so I called my mom to talk about it.

Did she go on a rant about
how annoying you are?

Actually, she sent me
straight to voicemail.

But the fact that I wanted to call her

made me realize something...

Sometimes a kid just needs their mom.

Unless your mom's a hamster.
They eat their babies.

So you figured out Cool Ranch
Jr. didn't move to Seattle?

Yeah.

Did Eddie?

No. And I won't tell him.

You're always so perfect,
I sometimes forget

it doesn't mean you won't struggle.

I was glad I could be here
to help you...

Because I know I won't always be.

Oh, no. Are you dying?

What about the prophecy?

What? No.

I'm talking about
when you go off to college.

The psychic's prediction is still true.

Mommy will outlive you all.

Oh, thank God.

Please sing at my funeral.
You have a lovely voice.

It was wrong of me to get annoyed at you

just for needing my support.

Getting over heartbreak takes time.

Or so I've heard.

I guess I might have been
overdoing it a bit.

And also, I started to hear myself,

and all that "Mommy" is a bit much.

From now on, you can be "Mother."

Mm, just call me "Mom."

It's the easiest thing to scream
when you're being kidnapped.

I got the weird invitation
you slid under my door.

Your handwriting is really bad, Eddie.

Look, you're still upset.

We've all been saying things
we don't mean...

No, it's bad.

You should know which way
an "E" faces by now.

We have computers. Who cares?!

Look, we're sorry.

We messed up big time.

You did. You did do that.

And we're sorry we bounced you
out of the Burger Boys.

We really did like hanging out.

I mean, look at this trio.

How often are the three of us a thing?

It was never supposed to be about
burgers. It was about bonding.

It was hard for me not to see
you going vegan

as a judgment on me.

You don't claim to be the best in town,

so I'd never judge you.

Thanks.

Now, we did invite you to
Cattleman's for a reason.

We put our heads together and made you

a good veggie burger...

Not like that crap from the restaurant.

Thanks, guys.

So? What do you think?

Wow, it's, uh...

in my mouth.

"As he knelt over his lover's
pale, lifeless body

he took her pale, lifeless hands
in his darker, alive hands.

He turned his neck upward

and screamed to the heavens..."

Whyyyy?! How could this have happened?!

My heart has been broken!!

Sicily!!

Whew!

Sorry, this is way more
therapeutic than I thought.

I'm glad it's helping,
but just so you know,

you're not making
any royalties from this.

I know, Mom.

"He turned his neck upward,
then screamed to the heavens..."

Whhhyyyyyyy?!

Thank you for such a lovely date, Jenny.

What the hell?

You really do know
your "Matlock" trivia.

Color me impressed.

And you really know how
to talk over the best parts.

Heard there was an opening
in the Burger Boys

and you skipped over me for
your little golden boy Trent.

So now I'm dating your mother.

It's your move, boss.

You employ some odd people, Dad.

I like the ones with low self-esteem.

They do anything.

Hm.