Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 11 - A Seat at the Table - full transcript

[ British accent ] Thank you
for coming in to interview

for the principal position,
Mrs. Huang.

My pleasure. Thank you
for agreeing to meet.

Now, what specific ideas
do you have

to improve our school?

Trick question.

Only a fool would
give ideas for free.

I'll answer
when I'm on payroll.

And why are you talking

in a regionally incorrect
British accent?

[ Normal voice ]To get into the part.
Like you asked.



In your detailed
and demanding voicemail.

No accent, but I do
like the glasses.

Makes you look like you have
the IQ of a brunette.

Okay.

As principal,

how would you let goof
a bad employee?

Quickly and off
a 4-story building. Next.

Jessica...
[ Chuckles ]

You asked me to help.

Stop joking around.

Honey, private schools
are competitive.

My résumé is perfect,

and I want my interview
to be perfect, too.

Sure, I know
I can rely on my looks,



but I want to be hired
for what's in here.

Not for all this.

Now, start over.

Hi, Jessica.

So nice to meet you.

Tell me about yourself.

[ Clears throat ]

What? What now?

Most interviewers
offer water.

"Can I get you some water,
Mrs. Huang?"

Fine.

Mrs. Huang,
would you like some water?

Oh, no, thank you.

But I willtake some tea.

[ Sighs ]

Captions by VITAC...

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪
*FRESH OFF The BOAT*

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Season 06 Episode 11
Episode Title: "A Seat at the Table"

Next up... handshakes.

In my experience,

most interviews
start and end with one...

if the interviewer
is a woman.

A too-long hug
if it's a man.

[ Crack ]
Ow!

Ow! My darts hand!

My hands are so strong

from pulling myself up
by my own bootstraps.

She's got the grip
of a chimpanzee.

We blow through doorknobs
around here.

Wait, you asked Honey
to help you find a job

and not the business consultant
you live with?

[ Scoffs ] Way to kiss
a gift horse on the mouth.

I think the saying is

"Don't look a gift horsein the mouth."

- That doesn't make sense.
- Wrong.

Jessica, you're right.
Maybe it's best I don't help.

You're used to me
as your husband,

not brutally honest,
straightforward,

no-emotion Business Louis.

No emotion? I would love it if
you were like that all the time.

Have you, uh,
networked with Deidre yet?

She's on the board
at a private school.

Deidre?

The "networking" I do with her
is not exactly positive.

[ Door opens, metal clanging ]

[ Grunts ]

Hey. You wanted to borrow
thesefor Honey's surprise party?

There's a surprise
for you too...

You're not invited.

Did you want meto set
these up in the kitchen

or up your ass?

Yeah, that's not
bridge-building.

But, luckily, you have me.

Deidre and I have a fruitful
business relationship.

I buy all my hair products
from her.

She only sells
women's products.

Mm-hmm.
$50 of monthly hair products

doesn't just build
a lustrous sheen.

It builds a friendship.

Jessica, let me help.

I know I can get you
the job of your dreams.

Well, I guess
it can't hurt.

Plus, Honey,
you're doing terrible.

You took 20 minutes
to make tea.

[♪♪]

[ Indistinct talking on TV ]Here.
Saved my crusts for you.

Yes. Papa loves
his "Emery Sticks."

Compadres! Why don't we switchthe
channel over to "ESS-PEN,"

'cause this Huang is
nowa high school athlete.

The high school's desperatefor Mathletes,

so they're recruitingthe top eighth grader.

Their team is about to... multiply.

That's the little "x" one,
right?

Mm.

I'm on my wayto completing the Iron Man.

Science fair, Mathletes,

and one day,
the spelling bee.

I wish it was a smelling bee.
I'd dominate.

I smelled almost 30 things
yesterday.

I'll be therea few times
a week for practice.

We can all hang out.

Three Huang boys,
one underfunded high school.

[ Sniffing ]

[ Sighs ] Who am I kidding?
I couldn't win a smelling bee.

Some of those kids have been
training their entire lives.

[♪♪]

[ Birds chirping ]

Thanks for the invite, Louis.
I had no idea you guys played.

Ah, the hitting, the walking,
the basic arithmetic.

Can't get enough of it.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Okay.

This is hell.

Sure, but sometimes you have to
endure a little hardship

for the good
of the big picture...

Play the long game.

Louis, don't annoy me.

I have spikeson the bottom of my shoes.

Well, making connections
requires finesse.

You have to massage the
relationship before asking favors.

Finesse? Massage?

You gotta stop watchingthose
shampoo commercials.

Focus. This is step 1
of many.

Amazing shot,
Deidre!

[ Chuckles ]

Now, slowly start
to butter her up.

Ask her about
her side makeup company.

Hey, Deidre, great golf.

How's your makeup thing?

Oof! Let me tell you.

Our glitter shadowsare flying off the...

I'm looking for a job
at a private school.

I know you're on the board
of Smith-Moore Academy.

Uhp, uh,
first sign of sunstroke.

She starts talking
about private schools.

Sorry, Deidre.

Sunstroke,
with the brim radiuson that visor?

No way. She wants to talk business.

I do.

Servant,
grab your little pencil.

Come take notes.

Actually,
it just so happens,

our school islooking
for a Dean.

You'd be perfect.
I could put in a good word.

Really?

[ Exhales sharply ]
Thank you.

Yeah, of course.

And with my pull,
the interviewis basically a formality,

so I'll go call the school
right now while you guys tee off.

That happened
awfully fast.

You are just thrown becausel
made your long game short.

Maybe.

Or she can't afford to lose
her best haircare customer.

Or she just knows thatl'm
perfect at everything I do.

[ Ball thuds ]

Home run!

You're up.

[♪♪]

Sorry you couldn't
sit up front.

You have to call shotgun.
Right, Emery?

It's tough for mebecause I'm a pacifist,

but I also get carsick
back there.

Alright, last safe place
for farts.

Blast them out
while you still can.

[ Sighs ]
My dream came a year early.

Three Huangs
together in high school.

♪ Don't wanna be a player

♪ I'm not a player,
I just crush a lot ♪

[ Girls squealing ]♪ I'm still not
a player, but you still a hater ♪

♪ Elevator to the top, ha ♪

♪ See you later, I'm gone ♪

- I'm the third Huang.
- Girl: My God, it's Evan!

If the girls are too much,

complain to someone
else, you lucky bastard.

[♪♪]

♪ I'm not a player,
I just crush a lot ♪

There he is.

My man.

♪ Uptown, baby, uptown ♪

♪ I don't wanna be a player
no more ♪

Alright, see you
after school, nerd.

Don't be late,
or I'm leaving you.

How do you conjure up your fartsso fast?

I clam up.

It comes with age.

What did he mean
by "see you after school"?

You guys don't hang out
atschool?

Oh, it's just that...

I don't want to cramp his style,
you know?

It's high school.
That's just the way it is.

[ Vehicle door opens, closes ]

[ Sighs ]

Oh, dear Lord,
the tongue kissing is rampant!

[♪♪]

Hey, Eve,
nice cat calendar.

Did you see the new "Dilbert" today?
So true.

Hey, are we going in ona
lotto ticket together or what?

Man, I love
office culture.

Who are you?

I'm the new Dean.
Dean Huang.

I came in last week

for my start paperwork and
faculty wall photos?

I deemed myself
a one-shot wonder?

Oh, right.
The Dean.

Principal Reed:
Oh, there she is.

Hello, Jessica.

Principal Reed,
what do you need me to tackle today?

College guidance?
Student discipline?

Slashing the budget?
The arts... gone.

Well, you know, that's not
really... what you're here for.

Uh, between the Headmaster
and myself,

we've got that covered.

- Headmaster?
- Mm.

Then what do I do?

Job's pretty much
what you make of it.

So...

Oh, I've got your welcome
packethere, and, uh...

Oh, look at that.

I accidentally put in a copy
of Administrator Weekly.

That's weird.

I'm the guest editor.

Oh, well. You enjoy.

[♪♪]

[ Sighs ]

[ Doorknob clatters ]

Uhp.
Another doorknob.

How was your first day?

Terrible! They only hired me
because I'm Chinese!

What? I'm sure that's not...

[♪♪]

"Home of Diversity"?

They have a swimming pool?
Can we use...

Not the time.

They put me on the front
of their brochure.

Sure, this face was built
for a cover, but come on!

[ Sighs ]I knew something was up

when Deidre was so willing
to help you out.

I don't buy that
much hair product.

Principal Reed couldn't name one
thing in my job description.

I looked it up,

and the title of Dean
didn't even exist until now.

So, then
you're the first.

You likecoming in first.
You raced me down the aisle.

The school is obviously caughtup
in this new "diversity wave,"

but it's just for optics.

I finally got what I wanted,
and I didn't even earn it.

No, you put in all the work.
You deserve this job.

I don't want a handout.

Well, the alternativeis
no diversity at all.

Is that better?

That sounds like
my husband talking.

I want to know what
my business consultant thinks.

He... or me...
He-me...

Wethink it's lousy how you got
it, but you got it,

and now you got to make the
mostof it and play the long game,

work twice as hard.

I already work
twice as hard.

So now I'm gonna work
fourtimes as hard.

Show them who's Dean.

Oh, I love it when you're
angryat people that aren't me.

[♪♪]

Uh, I'm still waiting
for my body odor to come in,

but I don't think
that's how you use that.

I realized, why just my armpits?

Where's the lovefor my
knee-pits and elbow-pits?

Sure.

Hey, why don't you hang out
with Emery at school?

Emery?

Ah, his drama friendsare weird.

They're always pretendingwith
invisible props.

Like, why not just tipyour actual hat?

My crew? We're cool.

With visible props.

Is that why you're always
looking at each other

and saying "Props"?

No.

See, the thing is,

hanging with your brothers
at home is fine,

but at school, it's lame.

You gotta do you
at school.

It's technically
"do oneself."

Proving my point.

Look, I've already broken in
the teachers and paved the way.

Emery's gotta figure stuff out
on his own.

I'll be gone in a year.

Okay,
but I get the sense

that Emery really wants
to hang out with you.

And remember
what Dad always says?

"Brothers are thicker
than water."

I think it's "Blood
is thicker than water."

Immigrant parents.

Great at raising kids,
bad at idioms.

It's "Cut me some slacks"
all over again.

Okay, I'll throw himan Emery Stick.

Is it weird if I ask
youto deodorize my back?

Yes.

[ Sighs ]

[♪♪]

And here we are.

Huh?

[♪♪]

What's that?

Huh? Wha...

Oh! That's Mr. Buns.

He came from
the 10th-grade science class.

They didn't have it
in their hearts to dissect,

so now he lives here
in the supply closet.

Office.
This is your office.

Okay, fine.

Now that we're here,
can we talk through my ideas?

Oh, there's no rush.

Why don't you relax?

Take some time to decorate
and, uh, adjust, huh?

Any other questions?

Just one.

Do you think anyone can hear
your screams from down here?

[ Screams ]
Aah!

[ Clattering ]My throat!

[ Punches landing ]You have claws
like a wolf!

Stop bleeding!
Take my punches like a man!

Jessica?

Jessica,
any other questions?

No?
Okay, good, good.

Well, you know,
I have a meeting in about an hour,

so I better
start the trek back.

Ugh.

[ Sighs ]

You remind me
of one of my exes.

Allof my exes.

[ School bell rings ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Emery, my brother![ Thud ]

[ All gasp ]Whoa! Eddie.

I know. My voice is getting
deeper, and it is jarring.

[ Gruffly ]
It's like, "Is that Batman?"

[ Normal voice ]
No, it's me. Eddie.

No, we're pretendingto be in a band,

and you totally justmade
a ruckus on the piano.

Oh.

Invisible prop time.
Fun.

So, I was thinking
maybe I'd hang out

with my favorite
middle brother today.

Nah, we're good.
Thanks.

What? Emery, come on.
This is a gift from God.

Like the day
Cinemax was unscrambled.

I appreciate the offer,
but I'd rather you not join.

- No offense.
- Yes offense.

You should be thrilled
your older, cooler brother

is sitting with you.

It's just that we're kindain
the middle of something here.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

I get it. You don't know
how to shake these dweebs.

Dweebs?
Have you seen yourfriends?

Or should I say,
the Tall Freak Parade?

Tall Freak Parade?
What about Brian?

You're using Brian tomake
yourself seem normal? Sad.

You know what? Good.

I don't wanna hang out with
my brother at school anyways.

Nothing lamer than that.

[♪♪]

[ Door opens ]

[ Sighs ]

Pretty clean game so far.

They haven'tshown the referee once.

[ Sighs ]
I can't do it anymore.

I've been trying to work
four times as hard,

but it is 10 times as hard
to work four times as hard.

I know it's not easy,
but you gotta hang in there.

They won't let me.

I tried to pitch in
at a staff meeting.

Half the staff thinks
I'm only there

to "increase diversity,"

and they don't even
listen to me.

A part of our budget
has been set aside

to update our teams' uniforms
with our new mascot...

The Ghosts.[ Laughter ]

Great idea.

What a beautiful tribute

to the graveyard
the school's built on.

Jessica:
You know what else is scary?

Our school nutrition.

I was thinking we could use
some of the budget

for healthy vending machines.

[ People muttering ]

Ooh!

Off that, I wonder

if we should consider putting
inhealthy vending machines.

Just spitballing.

What an interesting idea,
Jan.

[ Murmurs of agreement ]

Thank you, Jan.

My goodness!

Excellent work, Jan.

Okay, not great.

But maybeit's because you're new.

You have to establish
yourself first.

I thought that, too,
so I tried to distinguish myself

as something other than
"the Asian person."

Find something else
for them to focus on.

Alright, Mr. Buns,
here's the plan.

We'll walk into
the admin building,

you'll distract everyone
with your cuteness,

and then I'll hit them
with my plan

to start college guidance
in the 7th grade.

Oh! Do you have a bunny
becauseit's the year of the rabbit?

It makes no sense.

I know it's about optics,
but they're still paying you.

You'd think they'd want
to use you for something.

Oh, they do.

Alright, any ideas
for Hispanic Heritage Month?

What if the cafeteriaserves tacos?

Is that okay?
Culturally?

The only reason
they want me there

is to sign off
on anything "diverse."

To protect themselves.

Wow. That's...

[ Scoffs ] Wow.

I know what
you're going to say.

"As your business consultant,
stick it out,

play the long game,
stop eating my Slim Jims."

No. I say screw them,
they don't deserve you.

You gotta quit.

You want me to quit?

What about
the long game?

Ah, it's just an expressionl
picked to build you up.

I could've gone
with any of them...

"It's always real darkbefore dawn,"

"Every cloudhas a shiny coating,"

"Rome took a while."

"When one door closes,
a window opens."

You need to look
for another school,

where your talents
will be appreciated.

It's pointless.

I researched
some other private schools.

It's more of the same.

This one says
"Now with black teachers."

Alright,
so, what's your advice?

[ Sighs ]

None. You can't win.

I have no Louis Pep Talk
for this.

They've got you. You're stuck
between a rock and a hard face.

Well, what happened
to Business Louis?

Brutally honest,
straightforward, no emotion.

He's dead.

It kills me
to see you lose.

I have no answers for you.
It's all so disheartening.

[♪♪]

Hey,
want some Emery Sticks?

[ Sighs ]Did you bring the trash
canover here just for that?

Worth it.

Hey, my brothers who aredefinitely
not mad at each other

or mad at me.

Evan, watch out!

Emery's imaginary drum kitis there.

You don't want
to cause a ruckus.

You're the one who tried
to crash my lunch table.

Because I felt bad
for you.

I didn't want to sit with you,
but Evan said you wanted me to.

I never said that.

You said you didn't want
to hang out with Eddie

because you didn't want
to cramp his style.

I only said that
because I didn't want to admit

I don't want to hang out
with Eddie at school.

Harsh.

But I get it. Same.

I'm just bummed that you guys
don't hang out at high school.

I know it's different, but I didn't
expect it to be thatdifferent.

Just wait 'til you goto a
high school locker room.

Wall-to-wall butts.

We only have one year
left with Eddie.

We shouldn't squander it.

Brothers should hang out
whenever they can.

Wow. He just
doesn't get it.

Maybe we should give himwhat he wants.

Some quality brother time.

[♪♪]

Peace offering?

I know it's symbolic because
it was in the trash, but...

Mm.

It's got some trash OJon it,

but it gives it
a nice tang.

Mm.

[♪♪]

Well, I guess
I should ask you,

since you're
my only responsibility.

Should I quit?

But if I kill him,
I have to kill everybody.

Jessica?

We need you.

Our ghost mascot
blew up in our face.

When the marching band threw
their sheets over themselves,

that was bad enough,

but when they saluted
our veterans in the stands...

ugh, not a good look.

Very KKK.

And I don't mean Spanishfor "What?
What? What?"

Mm.
So, now you need me.

Yes.

Any ideas?

This school has two Indian guys.

And I looked it up.
One died 30 years ago.

Horrific car accident.

But they're still
using his photo!

Louis, burn those.
I'm not quitting.

What? But you said yourself
it's pointless.

I did. Because
it rattled my confidence.

But I know who I am
and what I can offer.

If they don't want to listen,
that's on them.

But if I quit,
that's on me.

My business consultant
was right all along.

I have to play
the long game.

I have to have
a seat at the table

so this doesn't happen
to other people in the future.

'Cause chances are,
they're only1/4 as strong as me. Tops.

That can be
a really long game.

But I've got my husband
and business consultant

by my side, right?

- Always.
- Good.

Get your things,
because it's happening today.

I called a press conference,
and I need your help.

I gotta hand it to you, Jessica,

you really speed up
the long game.

♪♪

[ School bell rings ]

So, he says,

[ Deep voice ]
"That's no quadratic equation.

That's my wife!"

[ Laughter ]

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Ahhh.

What are you guys
doing here?

You said the math
teamdesperately needed members.

Plus, brothers are
thicker than water!

So, we're here to hang, all at school,

just like you wanted.

[ Exhales sharply ]
But this is kinda my thing.

Okay, Mathletes, who's ready
to divideand conquer?

[ Laughter ]

What is the least common
multiple of 4 and 10?

[ Buzzer ]
Pi.

Wrong.

Damn Emery's
quick pointer finger!

Next question...

Today, Amy's age
is four times Jon's age.

Three years ago,
the sum of their ages was 54.

How old is Amy today?

[ Buzzer ]
Pi.Who Amy?

Wrong.

This next one's
an easy one.

Solve this equation...

E = MC blank.

[ Buzzer ]Hammer! MC Hammer.

Wrong. Very wrong.

I'd like to take
a 2.24 squared.

[ Buzzer ]
Pi?

A five!

[ Sighs ]

- Okay, I get it.
- Eddie: See, Evan?

Having your brothers
up in your business at school

isn't always fun.

You love Grandma, right?

Does the horizontal asymptote
of "Y equals zero"

extend to infinity?

It does.
I love Grandma.

Do you want to spend
all your time with her?

Even when she's sorting her
brasout by their mileage?

No.

I once had to do
the thongs.

I guess I do have a lot
to learnabout high school.

I just got it!

Mathlete!

Like athlete,
but with math.

People are so creative.

Mm.

[ Sighs ]

The school administration

thought that ghosts were
"culturally neutral"

since "everybody dies,"

but as long as I am Dean,

I ensure the school will never
make a mistake like this again.

And now
it's time for questions.

Keep it quick.

I know you have other private-school
press conferences to attend.

Questions? Uh...

[ Indistinct talking ]

Oh, yes, you, handsome man
in the Western blazer.

Uh, Dean Jessica Huang,
with your new position,

what plans do you have
for the school?

Mm-hmm.
Thank you, random reporter.

Let me walk you through
my extensive list of plans

that fall under
my job description,

none of which
can be taken away

because I'm listing them here
publicly today.

Well, at least I'll finally
find out what a Dean does.

Long game.

After that, we'll discuss
the generous raise

that will be offered to me
tomorrow.

Raise?

And, uh, after-hours use
of the pool?

No more questions.

[♪♪]

Wait, so there's
a pizza pie,

a fruit pie,
anda math pi?

I know, I know,
it's a lot.

Why'd they run out of words?

Wait, then what pie
are they talking about

when they say
"pie in the sky"?

Mm, that's not the phrase.

It's "pie in this guy."
Like in here.

That makes sense,
because you eat it.

But you don't eat
the math pi.

Oh.[ Door opens ]

Everybody,
meet Mr. Buns.

He is my assistant,
and he will be staying with us

while Principal Reed makes sure
they put a window in my office.

I was afraid to ask who
Mr. Bunswas this entire time,

and let me tell you,
I'm relieved.

Aww, he's so cute.

Think that's a good idea.

Hmm.

♪♪