Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 7 - Where Have All the Cattlemen Gone? - full transcript

Louis is crushed to find out that Matthew Chestnut is quitting the restaurant to take a job at Dollywood; Jessica angles to take over as PTA president; Evan thinks he's the funny brother.

What a casual blouse, Amy.

Thank you.

Yours also looks very... comfortable.

Um, I got to say,

I am thrilled we finally got

this Huang-Chestnut
double date on the books.

Uh, quick follow up... where's Matthew?

Ohh, I was hoping you wouldn't ask.

A Dear John letter?

I thought Matthew was
happy working here.

He was, but he scored a
high-powered job at Dollywood.

He's overseeing the new
24-hour "9 to 5" Diner.

The biggest challenge is
getting people to understand

it's always open.

Um, I see.

Uh, excuse me.

Ugh, this is a typical Matthew.

He always "Irish Goodbyes",
leaving me to be the messenger.

Plus, I have to pack up our home,

take care of our precious baby boy, Max,

and finish my work at the PTA.

It's a lot.

Doesn't seem so bad,

but I'm somebody who
likes hard work, so...

Pigeon Forge is beautiful
this time of year,

but not as beautiful as my memories

of being your pard'ner, pard'ner.

You'll always have a special
place in this cowboy's heart.

And if you could give my
last paycheck to Amy,

that would be so, so great.

Or you can mail it,
but handing it to Amy

would actually be my
very strong preference.

Yipee Ki Goodbye, Matthew Chestnut.

Another cattleman gone.

I'm all alone here.

P.S. I'd much prefer you
give the check to Amy,

just to be clear.


Ha, I found you, backwards "milk"!

There he is... my main man!

What do you want?

That's your "idea smile".

Last time I saw that,

you had me take a video
of you hula-hooping.

Okay, you got me.

I want you to come work with me.

Now, I know we tried it
in the past and it...

- Sucked.
- ... wasn't always positive,

but I would like you to fill
in for Matthew Chestnut

at Cattleman's until I can
find a permanent replacement.

Thanks, but let's keep
family and work separate.

I'm my own man now.

I admit it. Last time we
worked together was rocky.

I was "too controlling"

and you "ate food from garbage plates

and wouldn't speak to old people",

but this time it'll be different.

We've both matured into
better versions of ourselves.

I have a job at the mattress store,

a job I got without help from you.

I know, and I am so proud of you,

but I'm in a bind and
I need a new deputy,

and who better than my first-born son?


This is really good stuff.

Oh, I'm so glad you think so.

Just a top-notch résumé.

Great font choice, excellent margins,

solid job history including
teaching experience.

Who knew such a dark spot on my past

could actually come in handy?

I only have one note.

Under objective, you've written,

"Seeking employment in which I control

the teachers and the school."

Do you think it's too vague?

I think it should be in bold.

I agree!

It is that good.


This new "Teacher Boss"
path feels right.

I'm gonna turn the
tables on those teachers

and give them an aptitude test,

finally get rid of the duds.

It's about time someone stuck
it to public-school teachers.

You said it.

It's the economy, stupid.

Great line.

My savings account is still pathetic.

Why do these interest
rates keep dropping?

It's the economy, stupid!

- James Carville.
- I did not expect that from you.

- Why not?
- Well, because you're not that funny.

Hello, Principal.

I would like to be in charge please.

Ooh. Uh, well,

there are no openings in our
administration right now.

And even if there were,
you aren't eligible.

Because I'm a woman?

Because you don't have
a master's degree.

It takes a couple of years
to earn, so come back then.

I don't have years.

I need to be in control now
while my son goes here.

Who cares about other kids?

- I do.
- Ahem.

Oh, Jessica.

Is Eddie in trouble again?

Not that I know of.

Mrs. Chestnut, what brings you in?

My son's new school would
like his transcripts. Today.

Of course.

Normally, it takes about three days

- to process the request...
- Principal Mathis,

I think we both know that,
as outgoing PTA president,

I still have plenty of power here.

I would hate for something to happen

to that new teachers' lounge
you wanted us to fund.

Or perhaps you like sitting
on piles of blankets.

By 5:00 okay?

How about 4:30?

Teacher boss.

How's everyone doing
saving up for wheels?

We all need cars by senior year

so we can stand next to
them in the parking lot.

I'm well on my way.

Scored a babysitting job this weekend.

You babysit? What kids
are gonna listen to you?

You're so little.

My trick is to pretend to be one of them

at first to gain their trust.

So how's the job search, Trent?

I have a few irons in the fire.

The good people at
Spencer's Gifts agreed

to keep my résumé on file.

Hey, chin up. Something'll come to you.

As for me, I'm knee deep in jobs.

My dad asked me to come
back to Cattleman's,

but I'm too busy killing
it at the mattress store.

I overheard my boss mention
something about a promotion.

- Okay!
- Nice.

♪ Come to Beds! Beds!
Beds! and buy a bed ♪

Hey, tell us a riddle!


Tell us a riddle!

This promotion sucks.

That's not a riddle.

- Ow!
- Come on.

Why would you do that?

I'm not here to make friends.

Oh, look who decided to take
an interest in the PTA.

- Shh.
- Shh!

She has them trained. Respect.

Hey, Meatball. I'm here to take over.

How do I become president?

It's Jamie.

I brought meatballs to the HOA once.

Normally, we have elections,

but since Amy's leaving mid-term,

she's naming her own replacement.

Ugh. Are you sure Amy
has to give me job?

Yep. Sure as my name is Jamie.

But we hate each other.

I mean, how is that
gonna work, Meatball?

It's Jamie.

Heads up. I'm in a mood.

Okay, okay, okay. You win.

I sweet-talked Harv,

moved some shifts around,
and bada bing, bada boom,

I can help you out again.

Let's talk numbers.

I'm sure you'll find
this more than fair.

Oh! Hmm.

So kind of you to offer, Eddie,

but I already found a replacement.

Howdy-doo, Eddie. Table for one?


So I told you I turned this job
down, and then you took it?

Isn't it great? One man's trash

is another man's gainful employment.

Uh, you don't mind, do you, Eddie?

Pfft, why would I mind?

I'm so busy at the mattress
store with this big promosh,

- so...
- Oh, great!

You know, I had no idea that Trent here

was such a consummate professional.

Louis, stop. I'm blushing.

- "Louis"?
- I know.

The first-name basis
felt weird at first,

but since we're co-workers,

Louis insisted.

Well, it seems like this is going well.

"Well"? I'd say it's going "good"!

Watch this.

Huh! Huh! Huh!!

Oh, wow, special shake, first day.


Look, your daughter is a hot mess, okay?

You have to stop bringing her to things.

Hey, girl. Wow. Great
president-ing up there.

What do you want?

I can smell the desperation a mile away.

I heard you're naming
a new PTA president

before you move to Pigeon Town.

I want the job.

Why would I pick you?

Because, I am the best
woman for the job.

I know I can fix this
garbage dump of a school

if I am president.

Well, you know, I would
really love to consider you,

but I'm just busy.

Yeah, I mean, remember?

I'm here all alone,

and I don't have anyone
helping me with my move.

Not even someone who "likes hard work".

Would you like me to help?

Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.

Please. I would love to.

My place tomorrow. 8:00 a.m. sharp.

Come ready to lift.

Oh, let me guess. Chilli from TLC?

What? No.

I have to spend the whole day
helping Amy Chestnut pack

because she holds my dreams
in her cold, white hands.

Mm, I dream sometimes about a witch

with cold hands trying to grab me.

- Subconsciously...
- Later, Louis.

I can't give you whatever
it is you need right now.

I think the witch is my mother.

There he is...

my dad, Louis!

I was just laughing about
this funny time you and I

had working at Cattleman's.

Remember, with the food?

Oh, the past was fun, wasn't it?

Um, yeah, sure.

I-I thought you said you didn't like it.

I did. I did say that.

But as you said, we've both matured,

so I'm happy to come back and help.

I appreciate that, but you were right.

You are your own man.

You shouldn't have to be my deputy.

Plus, Trent is working out great.

Is he, though?

Look, I love Trent.

Great guy. Salt of the earth.

But he's an amateur.

There's no shame in kicking that
Celtic fireball to the curb.

Kick him to the curb?

But he's doing a phenomenal job. Look.

Trent solved our trout-surplus problem

by running a coupon for
half off of "Trout Salad",

a dish he invented.

See, what he does is, he
takes a piece of trout

- and he puts it on top of...
- Salad.

- Got it.
- He also came up

with the great idea for Cattleman's

to offer a delivery option,

and he got me this mug.

This all worked out for the best.


Ouch. Mm.

It's not practical,

but it makes my heart happy.

I'm not bleeding, am I?

Well, that's the last of it.

You're the first adult woman I've met

with nine boxes of horse toys.

I wanted a daughter.

Well... all good things
must come to an end,

even a day of hard labor

with only two small
timed breaks for water.

I couldn't have done it without you.

What have we here?


Your résumé?

So it is.

Maybe now you have time to
consider me as your replacement.

Ooh, very qualified.

I do see that you have
experience selling furniture.

That's your biggest takeaway?

Where's your head, Chestnut?

Well, I can't schlep
everything to Pigeon Forge.

So before I name my next president,

I'm gonna have to sell some furniture.

Would you like me to help?

Oh, I couldn't ask you to do that.

No, I insist.

Treat yourself to three
minutes worth of water.

The cash box and pricing
stickers are in the garage.

Why can't they make a decent shoelace?

It's the economy, stupid!

Yeah, like yesterday.


I'm trying to make him laugh
since he said I'm not funny.



I don't get it. Emery loved
that line yesterday.





Hey, buddy.

Didn't see you there.

Eddie, you know I hate jump scares.

What's this?

Your resignation letter for Cattleman's.

I don't want to resign. I
love working for your dad.

Come on.

I know how annoying he can be.

So clingy and controlling.

He's not like that with me.

Well, if he isn't now, he will be soon.

Then what?

Then we'll talk it out like adults.

That's a stupid plan.

It's not like you to
write a whole letter

out of the goodness of your heart.

What's really going on?

Beds! Beds! Beds! has gone south.

They're forcing me to sweat my face off

in that gross mattress costume.

Someone even spilled
spaghetti on the inside.

It was me.

Sounds bleak.

Look, since my dad offered
me the job first,

you should do the honorable
thing and step aside.

I can't.

What do you mean? It's
only a temporary job.

How long do you expect it to last?

Forever. He made it permanent.

Your dad made me his deputy.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I need to go run our next coupon.

This is just a mockup,

but I'll honor it, because I know you.

Chin up, Eddie.
Something'll come to you.


Buy the couch. Rest your old bones.

- Do you accept checks?
- Cash only.

I'll hold it for you for 10 minutes.

Leave your watch.

Thank you.

This is actually going pretty well.

I forgot how much I enjoy
making people buy things

they clearly don't want or need.


So, about the PTA presidency, I...

Mom, why are you selling our stuff

if we're only moving across town?

You haven't told him about Dollywood?

I can't. He loves it here.

- He would be crushed.
- I get it.

I did the same thing with
my boys when we left DC.

Let me help you.

No, I'm his mom.

- I should...
- I insist.

Max, what if I told you
about a magical place

with roller coasters and country music

ruled by a big-bosomed lady

who gives free books to all children?

What? That's not real.

Oh, it is real.

And your dad's already there.

Whoo, hot and fast!

Hey, Dad. Here's the paper.

Let's see how Trent's
coupon looks in print.

"Buy a soda, get a steak free"?!

Trent must have flipped
the deal by mistake!

Oh, no! Maybe he's not as perfect

and professional as you thought.

Oh, this is bad.

Maybe no one saw the coupon yet.

This is a simple case
of a coupon switcheroo.

How 'bout I honor the original deal,

which was buy a steak, get a soda free?!

- Deal?
- No!

Trent, what have you done?

I feel this is a bad time,

but I have that coupon, too, so...

How did this happen?

I proofread that puppy a hundred times.

We'll talk later, but for now
we have to honor this coupon.

I'll get more steaks. Eddie, help Trent.

We need all hands on deck!

No problem, Dad. I'm your guy.

- It was you. You did this.
- Did what?

You called the paper and
messed with my coupon

because you couldn't stand
to see us happy together.

Pfft, I don't know what
you're talking about.

You're jealous I'm
working with your dad.

You're jealous I'm
working with your dad!


I thought we could all be
professionals about this,

but I guess not.

Enjoy your father.

- Where's Trent?
- He quit.

Couldn't handle the pressure.

What?! Not T-Bone!

Uh, uh, here, take these
steaks to table 7.

Oh, and thanks for being here, Eddie.

No problem, Boss.

If I were table 7...

Get ready to laugh.

Oh, boy.

As with mosquitos, horseflies and other

blood-sucking parasites,

Kenneth Starr was born
in stagnant water...

It's better to be married to
someone who hates your politics

than someone who hates your mama.


Ah, same thing, but longer.


I spent $35

on a professional-grade
bald cap for nothing?

I didn't mean to insult you.

I just meant that you're
not the funny one

because I'm the funny one.

Why can't we both be funny?

I mean, I read all those joke books.

True funny guys don't need books.

We've got jokes in our bones.


Watch this.


Why is there a rake in here?!


Amy, I'm back.

Oh, hey, thanks for getting the pizza.

I don't trust delivery men.

They're always hitting on me.

So, I will see you tomorrow
at the PTA meeting

where I very much hope you
will name me president.

Whoa, wait. I read on your résumé

that you have some
real-estate experience.

Would you like to stay
and go through these

real-estate listings with me?


I mean, we can't live in the
Dollywood Hotel forever.

There is a wig shop in the lobby.

I packed up your house,

sold your furniture, made you dinner.

Haven't I done enough?

Well, you've done more than enough,

which is why I thought
you might like to stay

and share a 2-liter of caffeine-free

diet root beer with me.

You know, we could have some fun.

Fun? You want to have fun with me?

I thought we hated each other.

Well, look, I thought so, too,

but then you helped me talk to Max.

Any mom would have done that.

I don't know about that,

but you did, and it meant a lot to me.

You know, you and I aren't so different.

Said the Mormon to the Chinese lady.

But maybe you're right.

You're a strong, small, scary woman

who would do anything for her kid.

We are pretty similar.

Which is why I know

you will make an
excellent PTA president.

Ah, I got the job?!

You got the job!

Oh, yes!

Do we have to hug?

- I'd rather not.
- Good.

- Thanks.
- All right, Pops.

Throw up some horns.

- Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
- Huh, huh, huh.

Sorry, I'm just not in the mood.

Huh! Huh! Huh!!


Do you miss Trent?

Why do you ask?

- _
- Oh.

Every time I find someone
who shares my passion

for this place, they leave.

I'm beginning to think there's
something wrong with me.

Dad, there's nothing wrong with you.

I'm the reason why Trent left.

I sabotaged his coupon.

What? Why would you do that?

The truth is, the mattress
store isn't what I thought

it would be, and when I saw
you working with Trent

I got jealous.

You almost bankrupted
Cattleman's for me?

Wait, I thought you wanted
to be your own man.

I did. I still do.

But I just didn't like the
feeling of being replaced.

I could never replace you, Eddie.

I don't see why Cattleman's
can't have three pard'ners.

Huh! Huh! Huh!!

Trent, I'm sorry I let my jealousy

- get in the way of our friendship.
- It's okay.

I never meant to get in the
way of you and your dad.

Ready to get back in the saddle?

Giddy up, Lou!

So, are Eddie and I gonna split hours?

I have a better idea.

It's true. That's his "idea smile".

You got me a car?

Sort of.

Your new job is to drive for
"Cattleman's Delivery".

But I'm only 15.

I can't drive without
another adult in the car.

Grandma has generously agreed

to be permanent shotgun until you're 16.



- Surprise!
- Oh!

I am your boss now.

I am the newly appointed PTA president,

so I look forward to
reigning over the students,

the parents, the teachers,

and, of course, you.



Has anyone seen my Boss mug?

It's in there.

- Yeah.
- Yep.


- Ow!
- Ohh!

Why is there a rake in here?!

The only thing funnier
than one rake is two.

I was wrong. Grandma's the funny one.