Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Showdown at the Golden Saddle - full transcript

Louis proudly presents a billboard for the restaurant and an invitation for a country club society fund raiser, but the attention also brings above board how he stole the ranch concept from the Golden Saddle franchise chain, which even Jessicz didn't know, and the owner seeks revenge by luring away Mitch. Desperate to meet 'cool' neighbor girl Nicole who ignores everyone on the school bus, Eddie literally uses his pants. He convinces mother to start car pooling, but Nicole doesn't join and is hired to babysit the Huang boys, another opportunity to impress her he messes up in an ugly way.

Eddie: Everyone thought my pops

was the nicest guy in Orlando.

But he had a guilty pleasure.

He loved gangster movies...

immigrants fighting for their
piece of the American dream.

Eh, so many bullets.

And deep down,
he was the same way.

Because when it came
to providing for his family,

he would do whatever it took.

[Siren wailing]

[Both panting]

[Heart beating]

Aah! Whoa!

But my shoe!

- Leave it!
- Oh, no!

Let me tell you something
about that shoe!

Nordstroms hardly ever
has a sale.

And one time,
by the grace of God...

- No time for a speech!
- Ooh! Aah! No!

My shoe! Aah!

Showdown at the Golden Saddle

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey,
now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

My dad was excited to show us

the newest promotion
for his restaurant.

My mom, on the other hand,
was less enthused.

It's a sunny day in Orlando,

you're driving
down the street...

No, you're driving.

Well, I'm setting the scene,
building suspense

for when you guys
see the restaurant billboard.

- Play along.
- "Play"? I don't like to play.

Well, you don't,
but you are not you.

No, you are a beefy
lake-house owner

in town
for the sailing convention,

and you are hungry.

No, I'm not. I just had grapes.

Damn it! [Sighs]

♪ I'm not the Butler ♪

♪ I'll cut ya, headbutt ya ♪

Mom, Eddie's rapping
at my always-there bear.

Did they give you
that pin for narc-ing?

No, that's tattle-turtle.

This is for the school's
best attendance record.

Why is this billboard
so far away?

You could have put it here.

Or here. Or here.

Louis: Well, those big companies

can afford to
put billboards anywhere.

I have to be more strategic.


Now, this is the best billboard
spot in all of Orlando.

It's the longest red light,

there's no tall buildings
to block the view,

and there's a homeless man
who's always on the corner,

reminding drivers
that they're hungry.

Is that a bird in his pocket?

Yes. It's dead.

So, naturally, you divert
your eyes away from him,

you turn your head,
and you look up to see...

Whoa, cool! Did you really
hold up that cow?!

Yeah, I did.

It was heavy, too.
He had just had lunch.

[School bell rings] Meanwhile,
I had my own problems,

but they weren't at school.

As tough as school was,

it was a cakewalk
compared to the bus.

[Indistinct conversation]

♪ Wild, wild west ♪

[Indistinct shouting]

♪ Wild, wild west ♪

- Boy: Got ya!
- Boy 2: Oh-oh! No fair!

The bus was the only part of the day

without adult supervision.

So me and the other
sixth graders

were left to fend for ourselves.

If you wanted to survive,

you had to stay up front
and pretend to sleep.

If you didn't, things could get ugly.

I just glad I got
to keep ol' Bess here.

My teachers usually
like to keep my projects,

but that's not fair
to my parents.

They fund my creations...

[Crunch!] Oh, Bess!



Better him than us.

Sure, the driver was there,

but he wasn't
paid enough to care.

[Sighs] Lucky hands.

Lucky hands.

The only bright spot
on the daily hell ride

was my neighbor Nicole.

She was as tough
as a stale tootsie roll,

and I loved it. [Sighs]


[Shouting continues]

[Laughter] ♪ wild, wild west ♪

What are you looking at?

♪ Wild, wild west ♪

I'll get this to his mother.

One bloomin' onion.

Uh, Mitch,
I think you meant to say

booming onion. [Chuckles]

"Blooming onion"
is the intellectual property

of another,
less-good restaurant, okay?


Like they have potato skins,

but we have tomato skins.

Nope. No, no.

No, none of your ideas...

no tomato skins,
no jalapeno toppers,

and no buffalo things.

You know,
I don't have to take this.

I get job offers all the time
from other restaurants.

There's heat on Mitch. Oh, yeah.

Louis, you were right
about the billboard.

I told you. The place
has been packed all day.

People have been coming up to me
and talking to me about it.

Hmm. One lady even let me
cut in front of her in line

at the grocery store.

Wow, you usually get into fights
at the grocery store.

I know! [Chuckles]

And we have been invited

to the chamber of commerce
charity-fundraising event.


It's at a country club!

[Chkles] Why are you so
excited about a country club?

Because of "Caddyshack"!

It's my favorite movie...
set in a country club.

I've always wanted to go to one.

[Chuckles] "Spaulding, get
your foot off the boat!"


It's so much yelling.
It's so good.

[School bell rings]

[Indistinct shouting]

Tess is not with Nicole today.

This is my chance
to sit next to her.

Shut up.
You'll get us all killed.

I need to show her

that I'm not just a little kid
that naps on the bus,

and I'm gonna do it with this.

I'm holding up
Ice Cube's "Predator" album.

"Parental advisory."

Once she gets I listen to badass
music, she'll know I'm down.

♪ Unh-unh ♪ [Rapping] ♪ and, no,
I'm not the Butler, I'll cut ya ♪

♪ Headbutt ya,
you say you can't touch this ♪

♪ And I wouldn't touch ya,
in fact I'll buck ya ♪

♪ Unh ♪
♪ here to let you
know, boy, oh, boy ♪

Feel this, girl.

♪ This ain't no kind
of motion picture ♪

Damn, you're a grown-ass man.

♪ I'll get... ♪

♪ Check yo self
before you wreck yo self ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm bad
for your health ♪

♪ I come real stealth,
ye-e-e-ah ♪

♪ Check yo self
before you wreck yo self ♪

♪ Chickety-check yo self
before you wreck yo self ♪

♪ 'Cause tricks like you is ♪

♪ B-a-a-ad for my ♪

♪ he-e-e-alth ♪

Both: ♪ hmm ♪

♪ You better ♪

♪ check yo se-e-e-e-e-e-if ♪


Dave: Hey, did you just
fall asleep for real?

You cannot fall asleep for real.

Shut up.

[Sighs] I'm going back there.

I can't watch this.

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

How did it go?

They took my pants
and threw it out the window.

♪ Dig, dig, I dig, dig, I dig ♪


It took me forever

to get home from school
that day without my pants,

so I had a lot of time to think.

If I was gonna
share headphones with Nicole,

it wasn't gonna happen
on the bus.

I needed
one-on-one time with her.

Thanks. See you in carpool
tomorrow, Mrs. Wilson.

[Car door closes]
Eddie: Carpool.

Who said that?
Is someone in there?



A bush kid!

Which one says I am
rich enough to be invited

but not rich enough that you
could ask me to donate money?

I think the one with
the Tokyo Disney on the label.

Mom, I don't want to
ride the bus anymore.

I want to carpool,
and here's 50 reasons why I...

- Okay.
- Okay?!

Well, what can I say, you caught
me in a charitable mood.

But not too charitable.

Yes, girl. Yes.

Great! [Chuckles]

Oh, hey.

Maybe your stepdaughter Nicole
would like to join?


I'll ask Marvin,
and then he'll ask her,

and she'll tell him
what her answer is.

It's like the way
we communicate at dinner.

Takes a long time
to get the salt.

[Exhales sharply] Yes!

That seat's taken.
Get in the back.

Are you saving that seat
for your attitude?

My bus friends already miss me,

so they dropped off
this breakfast burrito.

So sweet.

Get in the back.

Dad, why are you coming?

Oh. I want to see the billboard
glistening in the morning dew.

Okay, but don't do anything
embarrassing in front of Nicole.

[High-pitched voice] Ooh!


[Sniffs] Oh. Come on.

[Normal voice] What?
That's how I sneeze. [Sniffs]

- Okay, get in. Let's go.
- But we don't have Nicole yet!

Oh, she's not coming.

Honey said Nicole told Marvin
that she's happy on the bus.

But don't worry.
Your best friend, Mark, is here.


Who's that?

I don't even know who he is!

You don't recognize me because
we always have our eyes closed,

but I ride the bus with you.

So happy not to have to
do that anymore.

Get in.

[Van door closes]

Mark, have you ever seen
a billboard?

Picture yourself
a hungry accountant

who's just taken his kids
to Disney world. Mm-hmm.

♪ Baby, here I am ♪

♪ I got that good love, girl,
you didn't know? ♪

♪ All I need
is one more chance ♪

And... the homeless man
with the dead bird

cues us to turn our heads,
look up to the sky,

and... aah!


There's chorizo in here!

Those guys.

Folks, I promise,

we'll get someone to clean it
as soon as we can.

Nobody tried to stop them?!

Everyone just stood around

and watched my husband's
face get milked on?

Nobody's gonna believe I let
a cow do that to me, right?

I wouldn't worry.

Probably just
random kids in the area.

This is anatomically impossible.

Everybody know
you got to squeeze the teat

to produce the milk.

I just wish it didn't look like
I was enjoying it so much.

[Horn honking]

Why won't they hurry up?

Calm your panties.

You calm your panties!
I'm gonna be marked absent!

And they'll take away
my always-there bear!

All because of
your stupid carpool.

Hey, I hate it, too.

Guys, come on. don't say that
about the carpool.

[Sighs] I'm going back to the bus.
[Horn honking]

It may be hell, but at least
I get to see Nicole.

Well, you'll also
get to see her tonight.

- What?
- I heard mom invite her over

after she said no
to the carpool.

[Exhales sharply]

Why does everyone hate this?

[Horn honks]

Why won't they hurry up?!

[Horn blares]

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, hey, girl.

Didn't know you were
coming over tonight.

Caught me
strengthening my hands.


Everything okay?

Oh, yeah. We're gonna
have a great time.

Bye, sweetie.
Have fun babysitting.


Honey, I'm glad that you
did not wear a yellow dress

because I am wearing
a yellow dress.

Well, you did call me
and say not to wear yellow...

okay, I will see you
at the country club. Bye.

[Laughing] Bye.

Nicole, come in.


[Door closes] that old
lady self-sufficient?

Because my parents showed me
"Cocoon" when I was little,

and I just can't.

Oh, she's fine.

She'll fight you for dominance
and then fall asleep.


Why can't grandma watch us?

Because last time,
she charged me $100 an hour.


All right,
we've got to get going.

Nicole, some ground rules...
no scary movies.

If you watch "Jurassic Park,"

fast-forward when
the water glass trembles.

Eddie doesn't like it

when the T. Rex
gives the jeep the big eye.

He also has gentle bowels,
so only bland foods.

What is happening?

They should all be in bed by
9:00, and if anyone feels warm,

there's a thermometer
and flintstones chewables.

Both: Orange, orange, grape.

And, Nicole, I missed school
this morning,

so they took away
my always-there bear,

and I feel...

- Okay, they're all yours!
- Open bar ends at 7:00, bye!

Thank you!

♪ Unh, unh, unh, unh ♪

Look at us... all dressed up,
going to a country club.


"Hey, everybody,
we're all gonna get laid!"


That's also a line
from "Caddyshack."

Ah. [Chuckles]

This is all
because of you, Louis.

When we first moved down here
and you opened the restaurant,

everybody doubted you,
including me. Hmm.

But you saw something
that no one else did.

You are a visionary.

Thank you. That's nice to hear.

You know, when I first
move us down here...

[gasps] What the hell?!


As in sneaky!

They are calling us
sneaky asians!

Random kids, my ass...
we are being targeted!

What my mom didn't know was
that the billboard was right...

my dad was sneaky.

Cattleman's Ranch was a total
knockoff of Golden Saddle.

[Texan accent]
And that's what you get

when you buy
a Golden Saddle franchise.

It's all covered in this
confidential operations manual.

He rolled into town
and jacked their manual

because, like I said,
he would do whatever it took.

[Breathing heavily]

It's a hate crime.

It's a hate crime!
I mean, it's obvious!

Probably just random kids again.

No! If it was random kids, they
would have hit the Hoagie King!

It paints itself, really.

[Piano music playing]

You know, when sheryl and I
started angel smile wish,

we never thought
we'd touch so many tiny hearts.

So, please, give generously.

Mm-hmm. Hmm.

Is this charity
for children or dogs?

You know, I thought
it was for the environment.

Okay, back to my thing.

So, like I was saying,
it's a hate crime.

She's jumping to conclusions.

Oh, how beautiful
is this butter?

[Chuckles] Seashells!

I think I can hear the ocean.

[Laughs loudly]

You're starting early.

You know, some people just can't
stand to see minorities succeed.

It's Mike Tyson all over again.

He's doing great,
he's killing it,

and then they make him marry
the actress from "Boomerang,"

and bam!... Champ is broke.

Halle Berry?

No, the sexy, mean one
with the pretty toes.

Well, you know, our councilman
is sitting right over there.

You should tell him
that this happened.

That's a good idea.

He should know about a hate
crime happening in his district.

Uh, Jessica, stop!

What is wrong with you?

I'm just gonna
tell our councilman.

I need to show you something.

♪ I h something
coming out of... ♪

I don't believe this.

This is exactly our restaurant.

They copied us. [Bell jingles]

No, Jessica. I copied them.

[Indistinct conversations]

[Bell jingles]

[Coins clinking]

[Upbeat music plays]

Sorry about before.

I didn't know my mom had hired
someone to co-babysit with me.

But I'm happy to have the help.
These two are handfuls.

But it goes so fast.
I try to cherish it.

You know what goes fast? Me.

I can run to the end
of the street in eight seconds.

Time me.

Wear a jacket!
[Door opens, closes]

How old are you?

Old enough to read this
parental-advisory sticker

and ignore it.

Want to listen?

[Telephone rings, beeps]

- Hello?
- Boy: Hey, girl.

Oh, hey. Uh, hold on.

Let me go in the other room.

It's this guy I know.

Yo, it's me. [Door opens]


The Smiths' German Shepherd
took a run at me.

Don't tell mom.
She'll have him put down.

Jessica: I don't understand.

This was your big dream?

To move down here
and copy this place?

No, my original plan was to
buy a Golden Saddle franchise.

And that's what you get

when you buy
a Golden Saddle franchise.

It's all covered in this
confidential operations manual.

All that's left now
is to sign the paperwork

and collect
your $50,000 franchise fee.

Oh! And to size you
for your belt buckles!

- Oh. [Chuckles]
- You want your belt buckles, mm!

Uh, great.

I'll give you $10,000 up front

and put the rest
on a payment plan.

No, no. I need
the whole amount right now.

The whole amount?

[Chuckling] Well,
who has that kind of money?

I guess they do.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Uh... I have to pee.



Go pee. [Laughing] I'm not
gonna stop you from peeing.

This is America. You can pee if you want.

I'll go pee.

Yeah. Take that book with you.
It's good reading material. Okay.

It is good reading material.

I like that guy.

And then I jumped
out the bathroom window.

I didn't have the money,

but I still had my dream
of a better life for our family.

So I took what I did have,

and I opened
a steakhouse of my own.

Oh, why didn't you tell me?

Because I was ashamed.

I wanted you to think
I was a visionary. [Sighs]

Louis... What you did was smart.

Just like you were smart

to move down here and open up
your own restaurant

and pick the perfect
billboard location.


You're a good businessman.

And I would choose a good
businessman over a visionary

any day of the week.

Besides, you made it your own.

You added a salad bar,

you have "wanted" posters
for people who bounce checks,

and the bears
aren't even the same color.

[Bell jingling] Thank you!

And it's not like Golden Saddle
owns the idea of a steakhouse.

- They don't.
- Mnh-mnh.

It's like, uh, sizzler's just a
cheaper knockoff of Black Angus.

- Mm-hmm.
- And Black Angus

is just a cheaper knockoff
of Ruth's Chris!

And they are all just chasing
that Morton's ring.

[Both laugh]

I see you got my message.

Hello, thief.

Mrs. Thief.

This is Jessica, my wife.

Oh, well, well, well.

Look who has
an Asian fetish, too.

I guess Louis
copies everything I do.

What's your problem?

Your restaurant's busy.
You own 10 franchises.

You're doing great.

And you are doing well,
which I don't like.

You're just upset

because Louis didn't pay
your ridiculous franchise fee.

He is a smarter businessman
than you are.

Oh, you think so? Then how come
I stole his favorite employee?



Oh. Uh, sorry, guys.

How could you do this?
We were a family.

He offered to double my salary.

But, I mean, if you guys
want to do that...

Goodbye forever, Mitch.

Jessica: If you think
stealing our employee

and vandalizing our billboard

is gonna make us back down,
you are wrong.

Yeah, you better watch out

because "Scarface"
and "Miller's Crossing"

are coming at ya.

Wait. Is that...

is that what you two guys
call each other?

There's nothing I hate more

than a couple of lousy,
no-good cinephiles.

[Insects chirping]

I made myself a new pin.

"Usually-there bear."

I hate it.

[Inhales sharply]

Didn't your parents say you have
a weak stomach or something?

Yeah, "week,"

as in I can eat this stuff
for seven days straight.

[Water running]
Uh, are you okay?

[Water stops]
Don't come in here!

Were you running the shower?

I can't talk
to you right now, please!

[Water runs]


[Toilet flushes]

[Sighs] Now, where were we?


[Door closes] [Water runs]

Sure, my dad would do
whatever it took,

but the tough guy in my family
had always been moms.

Great idea, Jessica. Mm.

You don't think
it's too clever, do you?

I want them to get it.


I guess this wasn't the
country-club night you imagined.

Are you kidding?
We stuck it to a rich guy.

It's just like "Caddyshack."

[Siren wailing]

Run, Jessica! Run!


I am so sorry we're late.

I know we said
we'd be home earlier.

What happened?

Did the Smiths' dog
go after you, too?

- Yes. [Chuckles]
- That dog needs to be put down.

Eddie: Mom, is that you?

Are you home?!
Don't say anything to her!

Well, E-Eddie's been in the
bathroom with some stomach issues.

Oh, it's probably
because he likes you.


It sounds like
you're talking to her!

Don't talk to her, okay?

[Sighs] Oh. That's why he asked
to borrow my old spice. Oh.

Nantucket wind.

Well, I'm gonna head.

Okay, well, thank you for
watching the boys. Hmm.

Oh, and tell Eddie,
um, I listened to this.

It's good. I'm keeping it.

Okay. [Chuckles]

There you go.

[Both sigh]

Eddie: Mom, did she leave?

Has she left?
Can you come in here, please?

[Indistinct shouting]

Nicole: Hey.

[The notorious B.I.G.'s
"One more chance" plays]


♪ Unh, what? ♪

♪ That's right, that's right ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Bad boy ♪

♪ All I need
is one more chance ♪

♪ One more chance ♪

♪ Unh ♪
♪ I can help you find yourself ♪

♪ I got that good love, girl,
you didn't know? ♪

♪ Unh ♪
♪ 'cause you
don't need nobody else ♪

[Sighs] Yes.