Fresh Off the Boat (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Shunning - full transcript
Louis urges the family to make new friends at a neighborhood block party. Eddie tries to earn respect in the neighborhood.
Orlando, 1995.
Just as glamorous as it sounds.
My dad moved our family there from DC...
so he could open his own restaurant.
But business wasn't going
quite the way he planned.
He planned to have customers,
and he didn't.
Moms was worried too-about money...
and about fitting in
with the neighborhood women.
So, Melrose Place is about prostitutes
who are mad at each other.
Yes.
The one person who never seemed
to worry was my younger brother Emery.
He blended in like a chameleon.
My favorite movie's Gremlins.
And Grandma and Evan
were just hanging out, squishing bugs.
And that's me, your boy Eddie Huang...
still straight struggling
to fit in at my new school.
Dude, are those nurse's shoes?
Yeah, they're your mom's.
My mom does happen to be a nurse...
and she helps sick people get better.
Can't wait to tell everybody
the new Chinese kid wears nurse's shoes.
Walter's not wearing Jordans either.
He doesn't need to... he's black.
That's like built-in Jordans.
This school's ridiculous.
They were jerks, but remember,
this was 1995, before the Internet.
I couldn't just search
"'Asian kids who like hip-hop."
I had to figure out a way to fit in...
or be stuck eating lunch
with the janitor and his kite.
I'm just saying, don't call it
a seasonal fruit salad...
if it's nothing but melons.
- My famous tuna salad.
- Mmm!
- Mac and cheese with bacon bits.
- Ooh!
Stinky tofu.
Hmm.
- That's exotic.
- Hmm.
How is this fuller than before?
Aren't you gonna try some?
Oh! No. But I admire you for making it.
It's that enterprising spirit that made Taiwan
a world power in little league baseball.
I watched a documentary...
about China in college.
You guys, I am so excited
for this year's block party.
- I am so excited about our
karaoke number. - Oh!
What's the party for?
The Daytona 500.
What's the Daytona 500?
We watch cars race around
speedways 200 times...
stopping only for fuel
or engine maintenance...
and although the ultimate cup winner
is decided by an elaborate points system...
individual race winners can still celebrate...
by getting a grandfather clock
or drinking a glass of milk.
Caveat... drinking milk
isn't specifically NASCAR...
- but auto racing in general.
- Yeah, right.
Do you have any aspirin?
Hey, there, neighbor!
Hello, neighbor.
- I'm Louis.
- I'm Marvin.
- Hello.
- This is Honey.
- Hello.
- Hi!
We just got back from a month in the Keys.
Oh, that's wonderful!
You took your daughter
on such a nice vacation.
Your dad is a good man.
Listen to him. Stay in school.
She's my wife.
Of course she's your wife.
She doesn't look like you at all.
Yikes.
Oh, no.
You're reading Stephen King. What's wrong?
I have nothing in common
with these neighborhood women.
I miss my friends back in DC.
We had such pleasant talks.
I guess I'm just lonely.
You'll make new friends.
It just take time.
And stop reading that book.
Those stories always give you nightmares.
You know what gives me nightmares?
Our bank account.
Stephen King should publish my checkbook.
Mom, can I get the new Air Jordans?
- Wh...
- Why not? They don't cost that much.
My sneakers aren't fine.
You never let me get anything. God!
Wh...
I'm looking forward
to when he wants a car.
And there's a point system...
and then something happens with a clock...
- and then the winner drinks milk.
- I love it.
Okay, this block party
is a great opportunity...
for us to network
and promote the restaurant.
- When is it?
- I don't know.
There's a party-planning meeting tonight.
I sent representatives.
Look, Alice, I don't want
to sound like a broken record...
but why not a petting zoo?
We need to show people that Cattleman's
Ranch has great food, you know?
We got to generate a buzz
to bring in the customers.
I'll get a meat smoker.
We'll give out steak and ribs.
No! Are you crazy?
We cannot afford to just give away food.
The restaurant's not making any money.
We can barely pay our bills.
Jessica, it's important to project
the image you want people to see.
If you want to be successful,
you have to project success.
That's what I needed to do.
I wanted to change the way
the kids at school saw me...
so I turned to the one person
who could guide me through this...
Ol' Dirty Bastard.
That's it...
a hot girl was the ultimate status symbol.
Even if I couldn't have Jordans,
if I had a fine shorty on my arm...
Psss... wouldn't matter.
Thanks, O.D.B.
Be right back! Taking out the trash!
Ripped By mstoll
Eddie!
That's very expensive!
If you want to waste something,
you waste water!
Do not throw juice.
Mom, get out of my fantasy.
Jessica, water doesn't project success.
Capri Sun does.
As does Cattleman's Ranch ribs...
great pork at a fair price.
Come on, Fly Girls.
Try a rib. Tell a friend.
- This is not free, okay?
- Here we go.
I am going to charge you all.
Dad saw an opportunity...
to promote our restaurant
at the NASCAR party.
He just needed to figure out
what the hell NASCAR was first.
Hello. Uh, do you have any NASCAR videos?
Car or truck? Cup Series or Busch?
Short track or road race?
I... Uh, which one is the milk?
All right. Come on.
Come on. Let's go walk past
the adult section and try to see inside.
I thought those were the Westerns.
Only the sexy ones.
They die and leave
their wives their money.
Dolores Claiborne.
Sometimes, they're driving home
from their mistress's apartment...
and their brakes suddenly fail.
An accident, Dolores...
...can be an unhappy woman's best friend.
My husband doesn't like it
when I watch Stephen King movies.
He thinks I get scared.
- That's the best part.
- It's my favorite part.
I'm Honey. My husband, Marvin, and I
are your neighbors.
Oh. I'm Jessica.
- It's so nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
- I'm so hungover.
- What?
Hey, girl. How you livin'?
I'm fine.
- Uh, hi. I'm Honey.
- Yeah, you are.
Eddie, stop acting weird.
Go to the bathroom. We're leaving soon.
A'ight, Mama. A'ight.
He seems nice.
- What was that?
- Phase one of my plan.
I need the guys from school
to see me with her.
No one's gonna care I'm not
wearing Jordans after that.
But she's, like, a woman.
Exactly!
A fine-ass woman like that...
leaning on me like in rap videos...
that'll get me mad respect, son.
And these Skittles are compliments...
of that gentleman over there.
Go on, girl! Taste the rainbow!
You know who win every race?
The advertising companies.
Little Debbie.
I knew a Debbie once,
but she was not little.
She went by "Big Deb."
I'm going over to Honey's.
I think I found a friend I actually like.
Oh, good. That's great.
I told you... it just take time.
Yo, Moms, you see Honey,
ask her how those Skittles treated her.
Why are you giving women candy?
'Cause they so sweet.
Go to your room.
A'ight, Papa. A'ight.
Hmm.
I don't know what this wife's problem is.
If my husband had a big house
like Jack Nicholson...
he could put an ax
in any door he wants to.
Why? Because we have
500 other doors and a maze.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I can't believe
you are actually eating my food.
This is delicious.
You know who's gonna love this? Nicole.
- Oh, that's Marvin's daughter. She's
my stepdaughter. - Oh, that's nice.
- She's not even your real daughter,
and you love her. -
- Oh, my God.
- Oh. That scared me.
Hello. May I speak to my wife?
Look, Louis, I know you don't like me watching
Stephen King movies, but this was on...
No, it's not that. It's Honey.
All the neighborhood women hate her.
Well, that's not true.
Who tell you that?
Evan.
It's true.
They hate her because
she ruined Sarah's life.
- Who's Sarah?
- Marvin's first wife.
Honey split them up.
- Well, how do you know this?
- The party-planning meeting.
"Sarah came home early
one day and found them on the kitchen floor. "
"The floor that Sarah just cleaned."
"Nol"
"Yes, girl." "Yes."
Then Carol-Joan gave us
a preview of the karaoke number.
Not great.
All right, so they hate her.
So what?
She is the first person
I have met here who I actually like.
Well, if they find out that
you're friends with Honey...
they could turn against you
and the restaurant.
They boycotted
Rebecca Miller's nail salon...
because she copied Mary Jo's
Jennifer Aniston haircut.
You know, "The Rachel."
Oh, my sweet boy, that's a lot of names.
Look, Jessica, you know more than anyone
how much we're struggling.
We can't afford to give people
any reason to avoid our business.
Okay. You are right.
It is not worth risking
the future of the restaurant...
- for somebody who I have just met.
- Exactly.
Pick any other woman to be friends with.
Swing a cat, hit a white woman,
be friends with her.
Because our number one priority
should be the restaurant succeeding, and...
Oh, you know, I thought I saw
a ghost in the window.
But there was not a ghost.
I am fine.
And no more Stephen King movies!
You know, like our
favorite sport, NASCAR...
why not speed over to Cattleman's Ranch...
for great tastes at an affordable price?
I... I'm just kidding.
Drive the speed limit, but, still, come.
All right, when I say,
"Rib eye," you say, "Steak"!
- Rib eye!
- Steak!
All right, we're having fun!
Welcome!
Food goes on the picnic table...
which is over there
where the petting zoo should have been.
Why aren't you handing out coupons?
Who you looking for?
Honey. I mean, a honey.
A honey woman.
Hand out the coupons, man.
Hey, this is Simone and Bianca.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You have two dates?
- Oh, it's cool.
We're supportive of each other.
You'd think there'd be an issue,
but there's not.
- You need help with that?
- Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope!
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Nope, nope.
Hey! I just finished
getting the house ready for Nicole.
It's our weekend with her.
Was Louis mad about the Stephen King...
You know, I have to go.
A wasp flew into my mouth.
Oh, hey, Trent. Check this out.
Yo. Coupon for one free hug?
Sorry. I'm all lotion-y.
You know, I'm all about that.
Dissed! Maybe you could
borrow some of her lotion for that burn.
- She's cutting equally-sized
pieces because of communism. - Oh.
Isn't that right, Jessica?
Because of the communism in your country?
Or I'm just cutting cake.
Anyway, we have some exciting news.
We want you to sing
the karaoke number with us.
- You do?
- Mm-hmm.
Samantha's out. Her mother died.
Here. Lyrics for you.
- Can I interest you in some
Cattleman's Ranch ribs? - Ooh!
You know, Tuesday is ladies night.
We have our special...
Melrose Plates... of Steak.
Here you go.
- See? This was the right move.
- It's good.
You know, I bet you it'd be real easy
to sabotage one of those cars.
Ooh! Are you guys doing a song together?
- We were going to...
- Yes, we are.
We'd invite you to join,
but it's more of a five-person number.
- You understand.
- Wow.
Way to make a girl feel
like Carrie at the prom, huh?
I don't get it. Do you get it?
No, I don't get it.
I heard she gave Burt Reynolds
a tug and tumble...
when they were down here
filming Cop and a Half.
Care to dance?
You know, I'm not really feeling up to it.
Oh, come on. It'll be fun.
Perfect.
I guess everyone thinks
I deserve to be treated like some...
home-wrecking stripper.
Trouble with the ladies?
Dude, why is this so hard?
'Cause real life isn't a rap video, Eddie.
Boys, don't just talk
to each other. Network.
Hey.
I like what you're doing here,
but don't let your mom see.
Look, Eddie, love is tricky.
Who said anything about love?
I'm talking about women.
You're just saying that
'cause you've never been in love.
Me? I love love.
It's like everything goes in slow motion
and you feel this pain in your heart.
It's a good pain...
the pain of Cupid's arrow.
Do you know what woman loves us? Mom.
Love is for moms.
You guys are funny.
I know I should wait 30 minutes
after I eat before I go in the pool...
but hey, then I'd never go in the pool.
Hey, everyone! Thanks for coming out.
As you know, every year...
the girls and I like
to do a little karaoke number for y'all...
when there's a lull in the racing action.
And this year, we have chosen a song
by a group called En Vogue.
No, it was not a unanimous decision,
but I hope the person among us...
She's eating my food.
- Uh... Oh.
- I have something to say.
In Chinese culture,
this is a welcome speech, or "jianghua."
Shut up, Deidre.
I would like to dedicate this song...
to my friend... Honey.
Our friendship might be
off to a rocky start...
but just like the haunted '58 Plymouth
in the classic Stephen King novel Christine...
you can't kill it.
Your wife has a beautiful voice.
Is she a professional?
Uh, no, but she sometimes
sings at our restaurant.
- Uh, the address is on the back.
- Oh.
That's my wife. The voice of an angel.
She's performing at Cattleman's Ranch.
No, okay. Yeah.
So, which kid is it?
What?
Which kid do you want to see us together?
This isn't my first rodeo.
Ah.
So, what do you need?
Cheek kiss? Hand hold?
Sensual hug?
Full body, three seconds, chest to chest?
You got it.
You'd do that for me?
Your mom's a friend of mine.
Come on.
Okay. Are they watching?
Oh!
Butt grab.
Oh! Okay. All right.
And we got it. Okay.
I'd never been happier than at that moment.
Which is why I didn't see
what happened next coming.
- Hi, Nicole!
- Hey, slut.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, sweetheart!
In that instant...
I knew what my brother Emery had been
talking about... the pain of Cupid's arrow.
Watch out!
Or a lawn dart.
It slipped.
Eddie!
Eddie, what did you do?
Me? I have a dart in my back.
Somebody call an ambulance! There's
a hospital right near Cattleman's Ranch!
Hey! Oh, sorry!
The block party turned out to
be a great thing for our family.
My dad was happy that we raised
interest in the restaurant.
You were awesome today.
Oh, thank you. And you were... also there.
My mom made
her first friend in Orlando.
And even though I was almost
killed by a lawn dart...
I was happy 'cause I met her.
Yo, I was mad in love.
I think that's a good idea.
Hmm.
Ripped By mstoll
Just as glamorous as it sounds.
My dad moved our family there from DC...
so he could open his own restaurant.
But business wasn't going
quite the way he planned.
He planned to have customers,
and he didn't.
Moms was worried too-about money...
and about fitting in
with the neighborhood women.
So, Melrose Place is about prostitutes
who are mad at each other.
Yes.
The one person who never seemed
to worry was my younger brother Emery.
He blended in like a chameleon.
My favorite movie's Gremlins.
And Grandma and Evan
were just hanging out, squishing bugs.
And that's me, your boy Eddie Huang...
still straight struggling
to fit in at my new school.
Dude, are those nurse's shoes?
Yeah, they're your mom's.
My mom does happen to be a nurse...
and she helps sick people get better.
Can't wait to tell everybody
the new Chinese kid wears nurse's shoes.
Walter's not wearing Jordans either.
He doesn't need to... he's black.
That's like built-in Jordans.
This school's ridiculous.
They were jerks, but remember,
this was 1995, before the Internet.
I couldn't just search
"'Asian kids who like hip-hop."
I had to figure out a way to fit in...
or be stuck eating lunch
with the janitor and his kite.
I'm just saying, don't call it
a seasonal fruit salad...
if it's nothing but melons.
- My famous tuna salad.
- Mmm!
- Mac and cheese with bacon bits.
- Ooh!
Stinky tofu.
Hmm.
- That's exotic.
- Hmm.
How is this fuller than before?
Aren't you gonna try some?
Oh! No. But I admire you for making it.
It's that enterprising spirit that made Taiwan
a world power in little league baseball.
I watched a documentary...
about China in college.
You guys, I am so excited
for this year's block party.
- I am so excited about our
karaoke number. - Oh!
What's the party for?
The Daytona 500.
What's the Daytona 500?
We watch cars race around
speedways 200 times...
stopping only for fuel
or engine maintenance...
and although the ultimate cup winner
is decided by an elaborate points system...
individual race winners can still celebrate...
by getting a grandfather clock
or drinking a glass of milk.
Caveat... drinking milk
isn't specifically NASCAR...
- but auto racing in general.
- Yeah, right.
Do you have any aspirin?
Hey, there, neighbor!
Hello, neighbor.
- I'm Louis.
- I'm Marvin.
- Hello.
- This is Honey.
- Hello.
- Hi!
We just got back from a month in the Keys.
Oh, that's wonderful!
You took your daughter
on such a nice vacation.
Your dad is a good man.
Listen to him. Stay in school.
She's my wife.
Of course she's your wife.
She doesn't look like you at all.
Yikes.
Oh, no.
You're reading Stephen King. What's wrong?
I have nothing in common
with these neighborhood women.
I miss my friends back in DC.
We had such pleasant talks.
I guess I'm just lonely.
You'll make new friends.
It just take time.
And stop reading that book.
Those stories always give you nightmares.
You know what gives me nightmares?
Our bank account.
Stephen King should publish my checkbook.
Mom, can I get the new Air Jordans?
- Wh...
- Why not? They don't cost that much.
My sneakers aren't fine.
You never let me get anything. God!
Wh...
I'm looking forward
to when he wants a car.
And there's a point system...
and then something happens with a clock...
- and then the winner drinks milk.
- I love it.
Okay, this block party
is a great opportunity...
for us to network
and promote the restaurant.
- When is it?
- I don't know.
There's a party-planning meeting tonight.
I sent representatives.
Look, Alice, I don't want
to sound like a broken record...
but why not a petting zoo?
We need to show people that Cattleman's
Ranch has great food, you know?
We got to generate a buzz
to bring in the customers.
I'll get a meat smoker.
We'll give out steak and ribs.
No! Are you crazy?
We cannot afford to just give away food.
The restaurant's not making any money.
We can barely pay our bills.
Jessica, it's important to project
the image you want people to see.
If you want to be successful,
you have to project success.
That's what I needed to do.
I wanted to change the way
the kids at school saw me...
so I turned to the one person
who could guide me through this...
Ol' Dirty Bastard.
That's it...
a hot girl was the ultimate status symbol.
Even if I couldn't have Jordans,
if I had a fine shorty on my arm...
Psss... wouldn't matter.
Thanks, O.D.B.
Be right back! Taking out the trash!
Ripped By mstoll
Eddie!
That's very expensive!
If you want to waste something,
you waste water!
Do not throw juice.
Mom, get out of my fantasy.
Jessica, water doesn't project success.
Capri Sun does.
As does Cattleman's Ranch ribs...
great pork at a fair price.
Come on, Fly Girls.
Try a rib. Tell a friend.
- This is not free, okay?
- Here we go.
I am going to charge you all.
Dad saw an opportunity...
to promote our restaurant
at the NASCAR party.
He just needed to figure out
what the hell NASCAR was first.
Hello. Uh, do you have any NASCAR videos?
Car or truck? Cup Series or Busch?
Short track or road race?
I... Uh, which one is the milk?
All right. Come on.
Come on. Let's go walk past
the adult section and try to see inside.
I thought those were the Westerns.
Only the sexy ones.
They die and leave
their wives their money.
Dolores Claiborne.
Sometimes, they're driving home
from their mistress's apartment...
and their brakes suddenly fail.
An accident, Dolores...
...can be an unhappy woman's best friend.
My husband doesn't like it
when I watch Stephen King movies.
He thinks I get scared.
- That's the best part.
- It's my favorite part.
I'm Honey. My husband, Marvin, and I
are your neighbors.
Oh. I'm Jessica.
- It's so nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
- I'm so hungover.
- What?
Hey, girl. How you livin'?
I'm fine.
- Uh, hi. I'm Honey.
- Yeah, you are.
Eddie, stop acting weird.
Go to the bathroom. We're leaving soon.
A'ight, Mama. A'ight.
He seems nice.
- What was that?
- Phase one of my plan.
I need the guys from school
to see me with her.
No one's gonna care I'm not
wearing Jordans after that.
But she's, like, a woman.
Exactly!
A fine-ass woman like that...
leaning on me like in rap videos...
that'll get me mad respect, son.
And these Skittles are compliments...
of that gentleman over there.
Go on, girl! Taste the rainbow!
You know who win every race?
The advertising companies.
Little Debbie.
I knew a Debbie once,
but she was not little.
She went by "Big Deb."
I'm going over to Honey's.
I think I found a friend I actually like.
Oh, good. That's great.
I told you... it just take time.
Yo, Moms, you see Honey,
ask her how those Skittles treated her.
Why are you giving women candy?
'Cause they so sweet.
Go to your room.
A'ight, Papa. A'ight.
Hmm.
I don't know what this wife's problem is.
If my husband had a big house
like Jack Nicholson...
he could put an ax
in any door he wants to.
Why? Because we have
500 other doors and a maze.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, I can't believe
you are actually eating my food.
This is delicious.
You know who's gonna love this? Nicole.
- Oh, that's Marvin's daughter. She's
my stepdaughter. - Oh, that's nice.
- She's not even your real daughter,
and you love her. -
- Oh, my God.
- Oh. That scared me.
Hello. May I speak to my wife?
Look, Louis, I know you don't like me watching
Stephen King movies, but this was on...
No, it's not that. It's Honey.
All the neighborhood women hate her.
Well, that's not true.
Who tell you that?
Evan.
It's true.
They hate her because
she ruined Sarah's life.
- Who's Sarah?
- Marvin's first wife.
Honey split them up.
- Well, how do you know this?
- The party-planning meeting.
"Sarah came home early
one day and found them on the kitchen floor. "
"The floor that Sarah just cleaned."
"Nol"
"Yes, girl." "Yes."
Then Carol-Joan gave us
a preview of the karaoke number.
Not great.
All right, so they hate her.
So what?
She is the first person
I have met here who I actually like.
Well, if they find out that
you're friends with Honey...
they could turn against you
and the restaurant.
They boycotted
Rebecca Miller's nail salon...
because she copied Mary Jo's
Jennifer Aniston haircut.
You know, "The Rachel."
Oh, my sweet boy, that's a lot of names.
Look, Jessica, you know more than anyone
how much we're struggling.
We can't afford to give people
any reason to avoid our business.
Okay. You are right.
It is not worth risking
the future of the restaurant...
- for somebody who I have just met.
- Exactly.
Pick any other woman to be friends with.
Swing a cat, hit a white woman,
be friends with her.
Because our number one priority
should be the restaurant succeeding, and...
Oh, you know, I thought I saw
a ghost in the window.
But there was not a ghost.
I am fine.
And no more Stephen King movies!
You know, like our
favorite sport, NASCAR...
why not speed over to Cattleman's Ranch...
for great tastes at an affordable price?
I... I'm just kidding.
Drive the speed limit, but, still, come.
All right, when I say,
"Rib eye," you say, "Steak"!
- Rib eye!
- Steak!
All right, we're having fun!
Welcome!
Food goes on the picnic table...
which is over there
where the petting zoo should have been.
Why aren't you handing out coupons?
Who you looking for?
Honey. I mean, a honey.
A honey woman.
Hand out the coupons, man.
Hey, this is Simone and Bianca.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- You have two dates?
- Oh, it's cool.
We're supportive of each other.
You'd think there'd be an issue,
but there's not.
- You need help with that?
- Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope!
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Nope, nope.
Hey! I just finished
getting the house ready for Nicole.
It's our weekend with her.
Was Louis mad about the Stephen King...
You know, I have to go.
A wasp flew into my mouth.
Oh, hey, Trent. Check this out.
Yo. Coupon for one free hug?
Sorry. I'm all lotion-y.
You know, I'm all about that.
Dissed! Maybe you could
borrow some of her lotion for that burn.
- She's cutting equally-sized
pieces because of communism. - Oh.
Isn't that right, Jessica?
Because of the communism in your country?
Or I'm just cutting cake.
Anyway, we have some exciting news.
We want you to sing
the karaoke number with us.
- You do?
- Mm-hmm.
Samantha's out. Her mother died.
Here. Lyrics for you.
- Can I interest you in some
Cattleman's Ranch ribs? - Ooh!
You know, Tuesday is ladies night.
We have our special...
Melrose Plates... of Steak.
Here you go.
- See? This was the right move.
- It's good.
You know, I bet you it'd be real easy
to sabotage one of those cars.
Ooh! Are you guys doing a song together?
- We were going to...
- Yes, we are.
We'd invite you to join,
but it's more of a five-person number.
- You understand.
- Wow.
Way to make a girl feel
like Carrie at the prom, huh?
I don't get it. Do you get it?
No, I don't get it.
I heard she gave Burt Reynolds
a tug and tumble...
when they were down here
filming Cop and a Half.
Care to dance?
You know, I'm not really feeling up to it.
Oh, come on. It'll be fun.
Perfect.
I guess everyone thinks
I deserve to be treated like some...
home-wrecking stripper.
Trouble with the ladies?
Dude, why is this so hard?
'Cause real life isn't a rap video, Eddie.
Boys, don't just talk
to each other. Network.
Hey.
I like what you're doing here,
but don't let your mom see.
Look, Eddie, love is tricky.
Who said anything about love?
I'm talking about women.
You're just saying that
'cause you've never been in love.
Me? I love love.
It's like everything goes in slow motion
and you feel this pain in your heart.
It's a good pain...
the pain of Cupid's arrow.
Do you know what woman loves us? Mom.
Love is for moms.
You guys are funny.
I know I should wait 30 minutes
after I eat before I go in the pool...
but hey, then I'd never go in the pool.
Hey, everyone! Thanks for coming out.
As you know, every year...
the girls and I like
to do a little karaoke number for y'all...
when there's a lull in the racing action.
And this year, we have chosen a song
by a group called En Vogue.
No, it was not a unanimous decision,
but I hope the person among us...
She's eating my food.
- Uh... Oh.
- I have something to say.
In Chinese culture,
this is a welcome speech, or "jianghua."
Shut up, Deidre.
I would like to dedicate this song...
to my friend... Honey.
Our friendship might be
off to a rocky start...
but just like the haunted '58 Plymouth
in the classic Stephen King novel Christine...
you can't kill it.
Your wife has a beautiful voice.
Is she a professional?
Uh, no, but she sometimes
sings at our restaurant.
- Uh, the address is on the back.
- Oh.
That's my wife. The voice of an angel.
She's performing at Cattleman's Ranch.
No, okay. Yeah.
So, which kid is it?
What?
Which kid do you want to see us together?
This isn't my first rodeo.
Ah.
So, what do you need?
Cheek kiss? Hand hold?
Sensual hug?
Full body, three seconds, chest to chest?
You got it.
You'd do that for me?
Your mom's a friend of mine.
Come on.
Okay. Are they watching?
Oh!
Butt grab.
Oh! Okay. All right.
And we got it. Okay.
I'd never been happier than at that moment.
Which is why I didn't see
what happened next coming.
- Hi, Nicole!
- Hey, slut.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, sweetheart!
In that instant...
I knew what my brother Emery had been
talking about... the pain of Cupid's arrow.
Watch out!
Or a lawn dart.
It slipped.
Eddie!
Eddie, what did you do?
Me? I have a dart in my back.
Somebody call an ambulance! There's
a hospital right near Cattleman's Ranch!
Hey! Oh, sorry!
The block party turned out to
be a great thing for our family.
My dad was happy that we raised
interest in the restaurant.
You were awesome today.
Oh, thank you. And you were... also there.
My mom made
her first friend in Orlando.
And even though I was almost
killed by a lawn dart...
I was happy 'cause I met her.
Yo, I was mad in love.
I think that's a good idea.
Hmm.
Ripped By mstoll