Freakshow (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Hobo Wedding" - full transcript
Wedding bells are ringing when Digger, the Sadu Hobo, invites the Freakshow group to his campsite nuptials under the stars. The entire gang, including Todd, Morgue, Asia and even Creature pack up and head to the rustic site in the California hills. After setting up camp and pitching tents, the crew learns the ways of a wandering lifestyle from Ken "The King" Kurt "Dirti" Powell and other hobos who had formally worked at The Venice Beach Freakshow. Digger lets their visitors know that in order to stay on the property, "chores need to get done". He enlists the their help around the farm including milking goats and gathering eggs from a chicken coup. Morgue and George have a hard time adjusting while Jessa feels comfortable enough to take a nude dip in an abandoned pool. Wee Matt annoys Ali during the trip with his naughty antics and a personality rift in their marriage comes to the surface. Luckily Todd and Danielle are there to offer the newlyweds marital advice. With the Freakshow reunited with the hobo gang, Todd decides to put on a good old-fashioned sideshow. Digger attaches 8lbs of weight to his ears while Ken "The King" puts his face in a pile of glass as Danielle steps on his head. For the finale, the hobos all lay on top of sharp objects as Todd smashes a block of concrete on top of them. On the big day, Digger gets dressed up for the wedding while Asia helps his bride-to-be, Paige, with her makeup. Wee Matt apologizes to Ali for his rude antics with a bouquet of flowers and they reconcile. During the ceremony, Todd escorts Paige down the aisle and after the "I-do's" are said, Paige and Digger get matching tattoos to show their devotion to each other.
Right now, on "Freakshow"...
We're getting married.
We came here to ask you guys
if you wanna come.
Let's go to the Hobo wedding!
[Cheering]
We need chores to be done.
Dang... those are big
chi-chi's on that goat!
Try the other t*.
You're making it perverted... stop.
- That's not perverted.
- Oh, you're too much.
Come on!
Jessa!
Look... oh, my gosh!
[Laughter]
The show is about to begin!
Here we go!
Ah!
Folks, today,
you will witness the strangest
creatures on earth,
the living wonders of the world,
and the most amazing people on the planet.
They're all inside.
What you thought was a myth,
you will see with your own eyes.
Welcome to "The Freakshow."
?
I'm trying to make
new signs for the t-shirts,
but I just...
Yeah, that doesn't look too bad.
It looks okay?
Hey, guys.
- Hey!
- Oh, my gosh!
How ya doing, man?
- It's been a minute.
- Good... good.
- I missed you!
- You got a new baby?
Yeah, a new girl... [indistinct].
Hey.
Digger is one of the first performers
that ever worked here at "The Freakshow."
He calls himself the sadu Hobo,
and it's not just a title.
This man is actually a Hobo.
The Hobo lifestyle is all
about living hand-to-mouth.
He travels around the country.
He does things like letting
people take a staple gun
and staple money to his body.
So, uh, came down from the hills
'cause we got some really
good news for you.
- Uh...
- Oh, yeah?
I'm... I'm leaving the
bachelor life forever.
- What do you mean?
- We're getting married.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Yes!
- Oh, my God... wow!
- Wow, Digger!
- Congratulations!
- Congratulations, man!
- Thank you very much.
Thank you.
We came here to ask you guys
if you wanna come.
Yeah, we have all our friends coming down,
traveling from everywhere, to come see us.
Oh, my gosh!
We're, uh, gonna have
a traditional Hobo wedding.
What is a traditional Hobo wedding?
Uh, in the middle of nowhere,
under the stars.
Big bonfire, a lot of booze,
and a lot of fun.
Yeah, that sounds like a good time.
Yes, absolutely, we wanna come.
- That'll be fun... wow.
- Oh, my gosh!
Don't leave me out!
?
We're off to the wedding!
Are there really no crappers out there?
- There's natural crappers.
- Oh, God... bring a shovel.
Come on, Matt... why you so slow?
Man, I got this king kong
sleeping bag up in here.
- Just throw it in?
- Throw it in there.
I don't care if we're going camping.
- The make-up goes.
- Okay, you carry that.
All right, where can
two little people fit?
- Whoa, you gotta...
- [Laughter]
- Oh, I got an arm rest.
- Yeah.
[Revving engine]
Oh, shoot... we almost forgot Gabriel.
Hey!
Gabriel, that car is the thing, man.
You're not leaving without me, are you?
No, are you kidding me?
Oh, that is unbelievable.
Have you ever been camping?
- It's been a long time.
- All right, well, come on.
Let's do it... we got room for you.
Just hop on Jessa's lap, right back there.
[Collective cheers]
Everybody's here!
- All right, y'all ready?
- Ready.
Hobo time... hey!
I feel like we're the Brady bunch
going to the grand canyon, right now.
[Laughter]
Can we stop somewhere
and get some alcohol?
[Laughter]
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
[Honking horn]
How's it going, you guys?
- We made it.
- Holy crap, brother.
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you, man.
- Glad you guys could come.
- Hobo mania, yeah!
- Hi, Jessa.
- Hi.
He's growing up, right?
Dirti Kurt is one of the first performers
that ever worked at "The Freakshow."
You know, I'm not sure why
he's called "Dirti Kurt,"
other than he's dirty as hell.
[Laughing] He's dirty.
[Collective chatter]
Give me the heat.
I'm not much of a out-doors person,
camping out out-side, on the grounds.
I believe this will be my first and last
roughing-it campsite.
Our first camping trip, baby.
This is for you two... this is yours.
- Oh, sweet.
- Oh, yeah!
- Is this a tent?
- Oh, yeah, perfect size.
It's a kids' tent... I love it.
Yeah, it's the perfect size.
Yeah, I got the instructions right here.
Gosh, I hope this will
fit both me and you.
- Yeah.
- Look, this buckles into here.
There you go.
Okay, Danielle's figurine it out.
- I got it.
- Come on, it's a man's job.
- Let me do it.
- It's not a man's job.
[Laughing] Come on.
You guys better get those set up.
It's about to rain.
Watch out for the dog poop.
So, we're gonna go this way, okay?
We don't want a turd in the tent.
- Turd in the tent.
- Matt, don't be crude.
So, these city slickers
are setting up their tents,
as we speak, like they're
reading VCR instructions.
Point "a" to point "z,"
you know what I'm saying?
Wait... where's the stakes at?
- Stakes?
- Are there stakes?
Oh, crap... we need stakes!
Uh-oh, George... George
is making it happen.
Yeah, we got it right!
- Yeah!
- See?
Everyone else has their
tent up, and we don't.
Pitching a tent ain't my thing.
Really?
- You got your tent set up?
- I got my van right there.
- I don't need no tent.
- Oh.
- Watch out.
- All right.
I'm gonna really pound it.
- Oh, crap!
- Oh, really, Matt?
- Oh, dang!
- Seriously?
She wants to wear the pants in the family.
Dude, she's gonna mess up her nail Polish.
What's wrong with you?
She won't listen to me, dude.
[Laughter]
Ah.
?
So, what's life like?
What is the Hobo style lifestyle?
What is that like?
- If you wanna have fun...
- Right.
- And-and-and be free...
- Right.
You know, that's the way to go.
- That's the way to go?
- Yeah.
I mean, but it's not easy.
Like, every day is hard work.
Imagine going back in time.
And being, like, a hunter-gatherer,
'cause that's... I mean,
that's basically what it is.
You know, it's okay, so far.
It's a sacrifice you make for the freedom.
If it makes you happy, fine...
I'm all for it, you know.
?
[Whistles]
Everybody, I need your attention.
I would like to thank you guys
for coming up here to our wedding,
but we need chores to be done.
[Collective shouting]
One of the things I didn't
know that Digger does,
is when he's traveling,
sometimes he'll go to farms,
and he'll offer his work
for a place to stay.
And, uh, that's how it turns out
they worked out a deal here
to have the wedding on this property.
We gotta get some eggs,
if you guys wanna eat breakfast.
I don't eat breakfast.
[Rooster crowing]
Are those tame chickens or wild chickens?
They're pretty tame.
And if they do bite you,
it's not very hard.
Is that their poop?
I don't like camping, whatsoever.
But, I like Digger, and I like Paige.
So I'm here to support them.
Uh, but, honestly, I'm very uncomfortable.
- That'll work.
- Now we get food.
Yeah.
- [Rooster crowing]
- Shut up.
Dang... those are big
chi-chis on that goat.
Look at that.
What you wanna do, is just grab it,
and then pinch it at the top.
- Mmm-Hmm.
- Then, like, squeeze it.
- Oh.
- Goat t* trip me out.
Squeeze the crap out of it.
Try the other t*.
- Try the other t*.
- Matt, I...
- stop yelling at me.
- Come on.
Do the other chi-chi.
Squeeze them chi-chis, baby.
Yeah, that's cool.
Matt, seriously?
- Come on, baby, you're fine.
- Stop-stop saying that.
You're fine.
You're ma... you're making it,
like, perverted.
You're doing a great job.
I know, but you're making it
perverted... stop.
That's not perverted... it's kinda funny.
Yeah, but the things that are
coming out of your mouth.
- You're too much for me.
- Oh, come on, baby.
- Like, no, you're too much.
- Come on!
Oh, baby, really, babe...
You're really leaving?
I told him, on this trip,
to be on his best behavior,
and he was the only one being annoying
and kind of obnoxious.
So, I decided to leave.
- Oh, baby!
- Bye.
You can't take a joke?
Come on.
Come on, you should have fun with me.
Play with some goats.
Just some of it can be a bit much,
and I just felt like
he was a little vulgar.
I'm like we're just milking a goat.
I'm not like that.
We're-we're different in that way.
Y- you guys are opposites,
but opposites attract.
Wait... how long have
you guys been married now?
Well, you know, it's been a year.
I knew he was, you know, very boisterous,
prior to marrying him,
but I guess I thought that...
- It would stop?
- It would, like,
simmer down a little bit, you know?
Ali and me, you know,
we've been-been kinda a
little on the rocky side.
She's just, you know,
so serious on things,
you know?
She's got boundaries that you don't have.
But, when you're with her,
you should respect her boundaries.
- Read her.
- Okay.
Like, so, if she gives you a look like,
- "hey, calm the hell down."
- Yes.
[Laughing]
Just so you know, this is every marriage.
- Yeah, it's hard, man.
- It's not you.
- It's hard.
- It's not her.
It's just the process of coming together.
Yeah.
The first year is probably
one of the hardest
because it's like you're actually, like,
together 24/7, and you're learning,
like, each other's,
like, what bothers you,
- what bothers him.
- Mmm-Hmm.
All I know, is that this
could be a very long weekend.
[Sighs]
?
All right, folks!
Ladies and gentlemen, kids of all ages,
the show is about to begin!
Are you ready?
[Cheers and applause]
I met these guys when
they came to "The Freakshow,"
when we were first opening.
Now that we got everybody together,
we got a whole bunch
of sideshow performers
and performing Hobos.
So I think we ought to do
a show the way we used to,
back then.
Folks, today, we have brought in
some of the most amazing
Hobos you've ever seen.
Here's Digger the sadu Hobo, right there!
[Cheers and applause]
Digger has two eight-pound weights.
It only takes eight pounds of pressure
- to remove one appendage.
- Gosh.
Let's hope his earlobe doesn't pop off.
Okay, watch closely... here he goes.
- Oh, my!
- Eh.
Give him a round of applause!
- [Cheers and applause]
- Come on!
Whoa!
Come on, make some real noise!
One more round of applause... come on!
Next up, the man they call "The King."
I'm gonna put my face
- in this pile of glass.
- Oh, my God.
- And I will have somebody
stand on my head.
- Dear God.
- Okay, one, two, three.
- Step up.
- I'm sorry.
Aah!
- [Cheers and applause]
- Let's make some noise!
Give them a round of applause!
Are you ready for the big finale?
[Cheers and applause]
The King is gonna lay
in this bed of broken glass.
Digger is gonna lay his
bed of nails on top of him,
and then Digger is gonna
lay on that bed of nails.
And then, Kurt is gonna
lay on that bed of nails.
Here we go!
Yeah, yeah!
- [Cheers and applause]
- Yeah, triple Decker!
Yeah!
- Make some noise!
- Yeah, good job!
[Cheers and applause]
All right, here.
This man is Bruce.
- He is the beekeeper.
- Hey.
- Hey... I'm Todd.
- He is Mr. Bee.
Digger, why are you over
there behind the truck?
I'm naked.
Oh-oh, you dropped it.
This suit makes you feel like a superhero.
[Laughing]
I don't know why, but I do.
When the smokes your way again,
- try and hold your breath.
- I smoked worse than this.
Trust me.
We got a little bit
of honey on this frame.
Oh, hold on... they're getting
a little crotchety.
Okay, give 'em a shot.
Whoa.
There's honey in the cells, there.
Look out... I'm getting stung.
- Ow!
- Oh, you got stung.
Ow!
That felt pretty bad.
Whew.
?
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Man, I had a root right in my back.
- Really?
- Oh, no!
Today is the morning of my wedding,
and it's great to have
good friends and support.
She decided to let me be her husband,
so we're up here to join
in Hobo matrimony-matrimony.
[Laughing]
And there's llamas.
Yeah, and there's llamas.
How'd you sleep last night?
In the middle of the night,
I got a little cold.
Hi, y'all... I don't mean
to interrupt or nothin',
but I'm gonna head up to the pool.
- So, y'all wanna come with?
- No, I'm good, dude.
- I'm good.
- I think I'm good, too.
Count me out, man.
Yo, I'm getting ready
to head up to the water.
You wanna come with?
- No.
- Suit yourself.
Stay dirty.
Jessa has decided she wants
to go jump in that cold water.
I can't believe it!
And this is the area, right here.
Is this where you're
gonna do the ceremony?
Oh, my gosh!
My favorite thing is the
pillars made out of, uh, rims.
That is pimp.
I thought that was just
perfect when I saw it.
It is... it's very perfect.
But, the thing is, uh,
we're not getting rings.
- We're getting, uh...
- Oh.
'Cause, you know, you can lose a ring.
- Rings... no.
- Right.
But instead, we're getting
an ancient Celtic symbol,
called the claddagh symbol,
tattooed onto our wrists.
So I've always got her heart
and her love with me.
- That's cool, man.
- Yeah.
That's what I'm talking
about... that's cool.
I think I'm ready to actually get started.
There's a lot of work to do.
That's a lot of work
to do... it really is.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Jessa!
Jessa is in the pool, and she's naked.
It was, uh, something I did not expect
to wake up to today.
Look... oh, my gosh!
[Laughter]
Is that a bearded mermaid?
[Laughter]
[Groans]
You talk about "a Freakshow"...
Now, that's "a Freakshow."
A bearded lady skinny dipping
right in the middle of nowhere.
All right... come on, come on.
Let's get out of here...
Let's get out of here.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my gosh!
I think we might have to get
a pool at "The Freakshow."
I know, right?
?
Too bad your future wife
isn't here to do it for ya.
Like she's ever tied a tie.
[Laughter]
- Looks good, man.
- Yeah.
[Indistinct chatter]
?
Didn't you say your dress has green in it?
- Yeah.
- Ooh, that green.
- Ooh, yeah.
- I like that green.
I know he's a wonderful person,
but why did you fall in love with Digger?
Have you seen the man?
[Laughter]
No, but he opened my eyes
to a new world that...
I've always wanted to travel.
I've always wanted to do something.
And it's fun to have
someone that, you know,
- cares about you.
- Look up.
And, you know, I don't know.
I just think we make a really good team.
- You do.
- Yeah.
I don't know...
We just have this chemistry,
and we just fit so well.
It's like it's meant to be.
Paige and Digger, I think
they're a great couple.
I think that it's true love.
If I could find somebody,
like how she found Digger,
and he found her,
then that would be great.
- Awesome!
- Yay!
Whoo-hoo!
?
I just wanna let you know that, you know,
I'm sorry for being a pain the butt,
and I promise you I'm gonna work on it
and keep it down a notch.
And I love you so much, baby.
Aw.
I love you with all my heart, baby.
These are beautiful.
I'm really happy that Matt is trying.
I let him know that, you know, sometimes,
he is just a little bit much for me.
The more we communicate,
he'll really get it,
and he'll understand
where I'm coming from.
Yeah, I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Okay.
?
Hey, beautiful... are you excited?
- Yeah.
- Are you nervous?
No, I'm not nervous.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Well, give me a hug, real quick.
- Okay.
- I love you.
You look beautiful...
Don't be nervous at all.
- Thank you.
- You look gorgeous.
I guess I'll walk you this way.
?
- Oh, wow!
- Isn't it gorgeous?
It was so beautiful walking
down that aisle with Paige.
You couldn't miss the love
in Digger's eyes.
When he saw Paige for the first time,
I thought he was gonna cry.
Wow.
It was a Hobo's paradise.
- Love you, darling.
- Thank you.
Aw.
- Congratulations, Digger.
- Thank you.
- Beautiful.
- Thank you.
Do you, Digger,
take Paige to be your wife,
to live with her,
respect her, and love her?
Hell yeah.
[Laughter]
I, Digger, take you, Paige, to be my wife,
to live with you and love you
from this time forward,
until death separates us.
I promise to be understanding.
I promise to be under... really?
[Laughter]
I promise to be understanding, forgiving,
and seeking of your happiness,
as we grow together.
When I look at Digger, it's love.
Like, you don't get that with
too many people in your life.
So, when you have it, keep it.
Being a traveler and going to
all these different places,
I know that Digger is definitely my home,
and without him,
life would be meaningless.
Paige, you take Digger to be your husband?
I do.
I pronounce you man and wife.
- [Cheers and applause]
- Kiss her.
[Cheers and applause]
?
Through thick and thin,
I'm always gonna be there.
You're my best friend,
and I don't know what I'd do without you.
I love you.
I love you, baby.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
[Barking]
Y'all are making me cry.
- Don't cry.
- Yeah!
[Cheers and applause]
- A Hobo wedding... yeah!
- Yeah!
That's it... it's party time.
[Cheering]
You guys are married.
It was so nice to think about two Hobos,
who went out into the world
alone, traveling,
seeking something, and what they found,
was each other.
[Laughter]
Just like Matt and Ali discovered
in their first year of marriage,
it's all about love forever.
To "The Freakshow"!
[Cheers and laughter]
We've known these two for a long time,
and may they love each other forever.
There's no more beautiful Hobos
than these two right here.
[Cheers]
And they're always
part of "The Freakshow."
[Cheers]
Thank you... I had a hell of a time.
I am the world's biggest f* Hobo.
[Laughter]
We're getting married.
We came here to ask you guys
if you wanna come.
Let's go to the Hobo wedding!
[Cheering]
We need chores to be done.
Dang... those are big
chi-chi's on that goat!
Try the other t*.
You're making it perverted... stop.
- That's not perverted.
- Oh, you're too much.
Come on!
Jessa!
Look... oh, my gosh!
[Laughter]
The show is about to begin!
Here we go!
Ah!
Folks, today,
you will witness the strangest
creatures on earth,
the living wonders of the world,
and the most amazing people on the planet.
They're all inside.
What you thought was a myth,
you will see with your own eyes.
Welcome to "The Freakshow."
?
I'm trying to make
new signs for the t-shirts,
but I just...
Yeah, that doesn't look too bad.
It looks okay?
Hey, guys.
- Hey!
- Oh, my gosh!
How ya doing, man?
- It's been a minute.
- Good... good.
- I missed you!
- You got a new baby?
Yeah, a new girl... [indistinct].
Hey.
Digger is one of the first performers
that ever worked here at "The Freakshow."
He calls himself the sadu Hobo,
and it's not just a title.
This man is actually a Hobo.
The Hobo lifestyle is all
about living hand-to-mouth.
He travels around the country.
He does things like letting
people take a staple gun
and staple money to his body.
So, uh, came down from the hills
'cause we got some really
good news for you.
- Uh...
- Oh, yeah?
I'm... I'm leaving the
bachelor life forever.
- What do you mean?
- We're getting married.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Yes!
- Oh, my God... wow!
- Wow, Digger!
- Congratulations!
- Congratulations, man!
- Thank you very much.
Thank you.
We came here to ask you guys
if you wanna come.
Yeah, we have all our friends coming down,
traveling from everywhere, to come see us.
Oh, my gosh!
We're, uh, gonna have
a traditional Hobo wedding.
What is a traditional Hobo wedding?
Uh, in the middle of nowhere,
under the stars.
Big bonfire, a lot of booze,
and a lot of fun.
Yeah, that sounds like a good time.
Yes, absolutely, we wanna come.
- That'll be fun... wow.
- Oh, my gosh!
Don't leave me out!
?
We're off to the wedding!
Are there really no crappers out there?
- There's natural crappers.
- Oh, God... bring a shovel.
Come on, Matt... why you so slow?
Man, I got this king kong
sleeping bag up in here.
- Just throw it in?
- Throw it in there.
I don't care if we're going camping.
- The make-up goes.
- Okay, you carry that.
All right, where can
two little people fit?
- Whoa, you gotta...
- [Laughter]
- Oh, I got an arm rest.
- Yeah.
[Revving engine]
Oh, shoot... we almost forgot Gabriel.
Hey!
Gabriel, that car is the thing, man.
You're not leaving without me, are you?
No, are you kidding me?
Oh, that is unbelievable.
Have you ever been camping?
- It's been a long time.
- All right, well, come on.
Let's do it... we got room for you.
Just hop on Jessa's lap, right back there.
[Collective cheers]
Everybody's here!
- All right, y'all ready?
- Ready.
Hobo time... hey!
I feel like we're the Brady bunch
going to the grand canyon, right now.
[Laughter]
Can we stop somewhere
and get some alcohol?
[Laughter]
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
[Honking horn]
How's it going, you guys?
- We made it.
- Holy crap, brother.
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you, man.
- Glad you guys could come.
- Hobo mania, yeah!
- Hi, Jessa.
- Hi.
He's growing up, right?
Dirti Kurt is one of the first performers
that ever worked at "The Freakshow."
You know, I'm not sure why
he's called "Dirti Kurt,"
other than he's dirty as hell.
[Laughing] He's dirty.
[Collective chatter]
Give me the heat.
I'm not much of a out-doors person,
camping out out-side, on the grounds.
I believe this will be my first and last
roughing-it campsite.
Our first camping trip, baby.
This is for you two... this is yours.
- Oh, sweet.
- Oh, yeah!
- Is this a tent?
- Oh, yeah, perfect size.
It's a kids' tent... I love it.
Yeah, it's the perfect size.
Yeah, I got the instructions right here.
Gosh, I hope this will
fit both me and you.
- Yeah.
- Look, this buckles into here.
There you go.
Okay, Danielle's figurine it out.
- I got it.
- Come on, it's a man's job.
- Let me do it.
- It's not a man's job.
[Laughing] Come on.
You guys better get those set up.
It's about to rain.
Watch out for the dog poop.
So, we're gonna go this way, okay?
We don't want a turd in the tent.
- Turd in the tent.
- Matt, don't be crude.
So, these city slickers
are setting up their tents,
as we speak, like they're
reading VCR instructions.
Point "a" to point "z,"
you know what I'm saying?
Wait... where's the stakes at?
- Stakes?
- Are there stakes?
Oh, crap... we need stakes!
Uh-oh, George... George
is making it happen.
Yeah, we got it right!
- Yeah!
- See?
Everyone else has their
tent up, and we don't.
Pitching a tent ain't my thing.
Really?
- You got your tent set up?
- I got my van right there.
- I don't need no tent.
- Oh.
- Watch out.
- All right.
I'm gonna really pound it.
- Oh, crap!
- Oh, really, Matt?
- Oh, dang!
- Seriously?
She wants to wear the pants in the family.
Dude, she's gonna mess up her nail Polish.
What's wrong with you?
She won't listen to me, dude.
[Laughter]
Ah.
?
So, what's life like?
What is the Hobo style lifestyle?
What is that like?
- If you wanna have fun...
- Right.
- And-and-and be free...
- Right.
You know, that's the way to go.
- That's the way to go?
- Yeah.
I mean, but it's not easy.
Like, every day is hard work.
Imagine going back in time.
And being, like, a hunter-gatherer,
'cause that's... I mean,
that's basically what it is.
You know, it's okay, so far.
It's a sacrifice you make for the freedom.
If it makes you happy, fine...
I'm all for it, you know.
?
[Whistles]
Everybody, I need your attention.
I would like to thank you guys
for coming up here to our wedding,
but we need chores to be done.
[Collective shouting]
One of the things I didn't
know that Digger does,
is when he's traveling,
sometimes he'll go to farms,
and he'll offer his work
for a place to stay.
And, uh, that's how it turns out
they worked out a deal here
to have the wedding on this property.
We gotta get some eggs,
if you guys wanna eat breakfast.
I don't eat breakfast.
[Rooster crowing]
Are those tame chickens or wild chickens?
They're pretty tame.
And if they do bite you,
it's not very hard.
Is that their poop?
I don't like camping, whatsoever.
But, I like Digger, and I like Paige.
So I'm here to support them.
Uh, but, honestly, I'm very uncomfortable.
- That'll work.
- Now we get food.
Yeah.
- [Rooster crowing]
- Shut up.
Dang... those are big
chi-chis on that goat.
Look at that.
What you wanna do, is just grab it,
and then pinch it at the top.
- Mmm-Hmm.
- Then, like, squeeze it.
- Oh.
- Goat t* trip me out.
Squeeze the crap out of it.
Try the other t*.
- Try the other t*.
- Matt, I...
- stop yelling at me.
- Come on.
Do the other chi-chi.
Squeeze them chi-chis, baby.
Yeah, that's cool.
Matt, seriously?
- Come on, baby, you're fine.
- Stop-stop saying that.
You're fine.
You're ma... you're making it,
like, perverted.
You're doing a great job.
I know, but you're making it
perverted... stop.
That's not perverted... it's kinda funny.
Yeah, but the things that are
coming out of your mouth.
- You're too much for me.
- Oh, come on, baby.
- Like, no, you're too much.
- Come on!
Oh, baby, really, babe...
You're really leaving?
I told him, on this trip,
to be on his best behavior,
and he was the only one being annoying
and kind of obnoxious.
So, I decided to leave.
- Oh, baby!
- Bye.
You can't take a joke?
Come on.
Come on, you should have fun with me.
Play with some goats.
Just some of it can be a bit much,
and I just felt like
he was a little vulgar.
I'm like we're just milking a goat.
I'm not like that.
We're-we're different in that way.
Y- you guys are opposites,
but opposites attract.
Wait... how long have
you guys been married now?
Well, you know, it's been a year.
I knew he was, you know, very boisterous,
prior to marrying him,
but I guess I thought that...
- It would stop?
- It would, like,
simmer down a little bit, you know?
Ali and me, you know,
we've been-been kinda a
little on the rocky side.
She's just, you know,
so serious on things,
you know?
She's got boundaries that you don't have.
But, when you're with her,
you should respect her boundaries.
- Read her.
- Okay.
Like, so, if she gives you a look like,
- "hey, calm the hell down."
- Yes.
[Laughing]
Just so you know, this is every marriage.
- Yeah, it's hard, man.
- It's not you.
- It's hard.
- It's not her.
It's just the process of coming together.
Yeah.
The first year is probably
one of the hardest
because it's like you're actually, like,
together 24/7, and you're learning,
like, each other's,
like, what bothers you,
- what bothers him.
- Mmm-Hmm.
All I know, is that this
could be a very long weekend.
[Sighs]
?
All right, folks!
Ladies and gentlemen, kids of all ages,
the show is about to begin!
Are you ready?
[Cheers and applause]
I met these guys when
they came to "The Freakshow,"
when we were first opening.
Now that we got everybody together,
we got a whole bunch
of sideshow performers
and performing Hobos.
So I think we ought to do
a show the way we used to,
back then.
Folks, today, we have brought in
some of the most amazing
Hobos you've ever seen.
Here's Digger the sadu Hobo, right there!
[Cheers and applause]
Digger has two eight-pound weights.
It only takes eight pounds of pressure
- to remove one appendage.
- Gosh.
Let's hope his earlobe doesn't pop off.
Okay, watch closely... here he goes.
- Oh, my!
- Eh.
Give him a round of applause!
- [Cheers and applause]
- Come on!
Whoa!
Come on, make some real noise!
One more round of applause... come on!
Next up, the man they call "The King."
I'm gonna put my face
- in this pile of glass.
- Oh, my God.
- And I will have somebody
stand on my head.
- Dear God.
- Okay, one, two, three.
- Step up.
- I'm sorry.
Aah!
- [Cheers and applause]
- Let's make some noise!
Give them a round of applause!
Are you ready for the big finale?
[Cheers and applause]
The King is gonna lay
in this bed of broken glass.
Digger is gonna lay his
bed of nails on top of him,
and then Digger is gonna
lay on that bed of nails.
And then, Kurt is gonna
lay on that bed of nails.
Here we go!
Yeah, yeah!
- [Cheers and applause]
- Yeah, triple Decker!
Yeah!
- Make some noise!
- Yeah, good job!
[Cheers and applause]
All right, here.
This man is Bruce.
- He is the beekeeper.
- Hey.
- Hey... I'm Todd.
- He is Mr. Bee.
Digger, why are you over
there behind the truck?
I'm naked.
Oh-oh, you dropped it.
This suit makes you feel like a superhero.
[Laughing]
I don't know why, but I do.
When the smokes your way again,
- try and hold your breath.
- I smoked worse than this.
Trust me.
We got a little bit
of honey on this frame.
Oh, hold on... they're getting
a little crotchety.
Okay, give 'em a shot.
Whoa.
There's honey in the cells, there.
Look out... I'm getting stung.
- Ow!
- Oh, you got stung.
Ow!
That felt pretty bad.
Whew.
?
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Man, I had a root right in my back.
- Really?
- Oh, no!
Today is the morning of my wedding,
and it's great to have
good friends and support.
She decided to let me be her husband,
so we're up here to join
in Hobo matrimony-matrimony.
[Laughing]
And there's llamas.
Yeah, and there's llamas.
How'd you sleep last night?
In the middle of the night,
I got a little cold.
Hi, y'all... I don't mean
to interrupt or nothin',
but I'm gonna head up to the pool.
- So, y'all wanna come with?
- No, I'm good, dude.
- I'm good.
- I think I'm good, too.
Count me out, man.
Yo, I'm getting ready
to head up to the water.
You wanna come with?
- No.
- Suit yourself.
Stay dirty.
Jessa has decided she wants
to go jump in that cold water.
I can't believe it!
And this is the area, right here.
Is this where you're
gonna do the ceremony?
Oh, my gosh!
My favorite thing is the
pillars made out of, uh, rims.
That is pimp.
I thought that was just
perfect when I saw it.
It is... it's very perfect.
But, the thing is, uh,
we're not getting rings.
- We're getting, uh...
- Oh.
'Cause, you know, you can lose a ring.
- Rings... no.
- Right.
But instead, we're getting
an ancient Celtic symbol,
called the claddagh symbol,
tattooed onto our wrists.
So I've always got her heart
and her love with me.
- That's cool, man.
- Yeah.
That's what I'm talking
about... that's cool.
I think I'm ready to actually get started.
There's a lot of work to do.
That's a lot of work
to do... it really is.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Jessa!
Jessa is in the pool, and she's naked.
It was, uh, something I did not expect
to wake up to today.
Look... oh, my gosh!
[Laughter]
Is that a bearded mermaid?
[Laughter]
[Groans]
You talk about "a Freakshow"...
Now, that's "a Freakshow."
A bearded lady skinny dipping
right in the middle of nowhere.
All right... come on, come on.
Let's get out of here...
Let's get out of here.
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my gosh!
I think we might have to get
a pool at "The Freakshow."
I know, right?
?
Too bad your future wife
isn't here to do it for ya.
Like she's ever tied a tie.
[Laughter]
- Looks good, man.
- Yeah.
[Indistinct chatter]
?
Didn't you say your dress has green in it?
- Yeah.
- Ooh, that green.
- Ooh, yeah.
- I like that green.
I know he's a wonderful person,
but why did you fall in love with Digger?
Have you seen the man?
[Laughter]
No, but he opened my eyes
to a new world that...
I've always wanted to travel.
I've always wanted to do something.
And it's fun to have
someone that, you know,
- cares about you.
- Look up.
And, you know, I don't know.
I just think we make a really good team.
- You do.
- Yeah.
I don't know...
We just have this chemistry,
and we just fit so well.
It's like it's meant to be.
Paige and Digger, I think
they're a great couple.
I think that it's true love.
If I could find somebody,
like how she found Digger,
and he found her,
then that would be great.
- Awesome!
- Yay!
Whoo-hoo!
?
I just wanna let you know that, you know,
I'm sorry for being a pain the butt,
and I promise you I'm gonna work on it
and keep it down a notch.
And I love you so much, baby.
Aw.
I love you with all my heart, baby.
These are beautiful.
I'm really happy that Matt is trying.
I let him know that, you know, sometimes,
he is just a little bit much for me.
The more we communicate,
he'll really get it,
and he'll understand
where I'm coming from.
Yeah, I love you.
- I love you, too.
- Okay.
?
Hey, beautiful... are you excited?
- Yeah.
- Are you nervous?
No, I'm not nervous.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
Well, give me a hug, real quick.
- Okay.
- I love you.
You look beautiful...
Don't be nervous at all.
- Thank you.
- You look gorgeous.
I guess I'll walk you this way.
?
- Oh, wow!
- Isn't it gorgeous?
It was so beautiful walking
down that aisle with Paige.
You couldn't miss the love
in Digger's eyes.
When he saw Paige for the first time,
I thought he was gonna cry.
Wow.
It was a Hobo's paradise.
- Love you, darling.
- Thank you.
Aw.
- Congratulations, Digger.
- Thank you.
- Beautiful.
- Thank you.
Do you, Digger,
take Paige to be your wife,
to live with her,
respect her, and love her?
Hell yeah.
[Laughter]
I, Digger, take you, Paige, to be my wife,
to live with you and love you
from this time forward,
until death separates us.
I promise to be understanding.
I promise to be under... really?
[Laughter]
I promise to be understanding, forgiving,
and seeking of your happiness,
as we grow together.
When I look at Digger, it's love.
Like, you don't get that with
too many people in your life.
So, when you have it, keep it.
Being a traveler and going to
all these different places,
I know that Digger is definitely my home,
and without him,
life would be meaningless.
Paige, you take Digger to be your husband?
I do.
I pronounce you man and wife.
- [Cheers and applause]
- Kiss her.
[Cheers and applause]
?
Through thick and thin,
I'm always gonna be there.
You're my best friend,
and I don't know what I'd do without you.
I love you.
I love you, baby.
[Laughter]
[Cheers and applause]
[Barking]
Y'all are making me cry.
- Don't cry.
- Yeah!
[Cheers and applause]
- A Hobo wedding... yeah!
- Yeah!
That's it... it's party time.
[Cheering]
You guys are married.
It was so nice to think about two Hobos,
who went out into the world
alone, traveling,
seeking something, and what they found,
was each other.
[Laughter]
Just like Matt and Ali discovered
in their first year of marriage,
it's all about love forever.
To "The Freakshow"!
[Cheers and laughter]
We've known these two for a long time,
and may they love each other forever.
There's no more beautiful Hobos
than these two right here.
[Cheers]
And they're always
part of "The Freakshow."
[Cheers]
Thank you... I had a hell of a time.
I am the world's biggest f* Hobo.
[Laughter]