Freaks and Geeks (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 5 - Tests and Breasts - full transcript
Daniel cons Lindsay into helping him pass an algebra test, while Sam and his pals try to figure out the basics of human sexuality.
OF 11 AND 14
"WHEN PROFOUND HORMONAL
CHANGES OCCUR.
"THE ONSET
OF THESE CHANGES
"IS THE FUNCTION
OF A SMALL GLAND
"CALLED THE PITUITARY.
"THIS GLAND SENDS
CHEMICAL SIGNALS
THROUGHOUT THE BODY,
"MOST NOTABLY RESULTING
IN HEIGHT INCREASE,
AND HAIR GROWTH
IN THE GENITAL AREA."
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, HEY!
KNOCK IT OFF!
YOU THINK
THIS IS FUNNY?
JUST TRY ME.
HERE IS,
OK, ALL RIGHT.
UH, THE FEMALE
REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM.
"THE UTERUS IS COMPOSED
OF 2 MAIN PARTS..."
WHAT THE HELL
IS THAT?
YOU THINK SHE'S SINGLE?
LOOKS LIKE IT'S
FROM OUTER SPACE.
SHUT UP.
Mr. Fredricks:
WEIR!
YOU HAVE
SOMETHING TO SAY?
NO, SIR.
WHEN YOU GET
THE CLAP
'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T
PAYING ATTENTION
IN HEALTH CLASS,
IS THAT GONNA
BE FUNNY, TOO?
NO.
I DIDN'T
THINK SO.
"THE CERVIX.
IT HAS A FINE CANAL
RUNNING THROUGH IT
OPENING INTO
THE CAVITY OF
THE UTERUS ABOVE."
DIDN'T
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
KILL THAT THING
INALIEN?
QUIET.
"DURING
PREGNANCY..."
REMEMBER WHEN IT
POPPED OUT OF
THE GUY'S STOMACH?
NO, IDIOT, IT JUMPED OUT
OF HIS CHEST.
Mr
SHUT UP.
Fredricks:SI
ALL RIGHT, WEIR!
NCE YOU SEEM
TO KNOW EVERYTHING,
YOU KNOW WHAT,
I GOT A GREAT IDEA.
WHY DON'T I
SHUT MY BIG MOUTH,
AND YOU COME UP
AND TEACH THE CLASS.
SORRY.
I SAID GET UP HERE.
Mr. Fredricks:
GET UP HERE!
LET'S GO.
OH, UH, EXCUSE ME,
DR. LOVE?
CAN YOU SHOW ME
WHERE THE OVARIES
ARE LOCATED?
OVARIES?
OVARIES.
[IMITATES BUZZER]
SORRY.
UH, CERVIX?
CERVIX.
CERVIX.
CERVIX SAYS
NO.
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, ALL RIGHT--
PACHOSKI, YOU WANT
TO GO HELP HIM?
HUH?
THE VAGINA, WEIR,
THE VA--
EASY ONE,
EASY ONE.
BASIC STUFF,
GUYS KNOW IT.
GO AHEAD,
POINT TO IT.
I--I DON'T KNOW.
ALL RIGHT,
MR. WEIR,
INSTEAD OF YUCKING
IT UP IN CLASS,
OR YOU
YOU MIGHT WANT
TO PAY ATTENTION,
'RE GOING
TO HAVE A VERY
DIFFICULT LIFE.
OK? SIT DOWN,
DR. LOVE.
[LAUGHTER]
DR. LOVE.
[SIGHS]
AT LEAST I DIDN'T
GET HEAD LICE.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.L.C.
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
'BOUT MY REPUTATN
LIVIN' IN T PAST,IT'S A NEW GENERATION
GO AND DO
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
AND THAT'S WHAT
I'M GONNA DO
AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
OH, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
WHAH! NO!
NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
ME, ME, ME, ME
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
'BOUT MY REPUTATION
I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID
OF ANY DEVIATION
AND I DON'T REALLY CARE
IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE
I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE
AND I'M NEV GONNA CARE
'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
NOT ME!
ANA.
THEY WERE DE-LICIOUS.
[BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRIVE'S
TAKIN' CARE OF BUSINESS
PLAYING]
HEY, GOOD GAME
ON SATURDAY, EDDIE.
JENNIFER,
I'VE BEEN HEARING SOME
TERRIFIC THINGS ABOUT YOU
FROM MY SOURCES
IN THE ENGLISH DEPARTMENT.
AS YOU WERE.
HEY, BRAD.
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
IN A WHILE.
STOP BY THE OFFICE.
WE'LL RAP.
SURE THING,
MR. ROSSO.
PEACE, BROTHER.
ROCK ON, KIRBY.
[MUSIC FADES]
OK, MR. DESARIO,
IT'S TIME FOR YOUR
FAVORITE CLASS.
OK, COME ON,
PEOPLE, SIMMER DOWN.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
THIS IS MY TIME,
NOT YOURS.
HEY, CHATTY CATHY,
YOU SIT ON
THE FURNITURE AT HOME?
OK, A REMINDER
ABOUT TOMORROW'S TEST.
IT'S TOMORROW.
UH, KOWCHEVSKI?
DESARIO.
DIDN'T WE TAKE
A TEST LAST WEEK?
YOUR POINT?
WELL, I JUST
DON'T THINK
YOU'VE TAUGHT US ENOUGH
IN THE PAST WEEK
TO GIVE US
ANOTHER TEST.
OK, PEOPLE,
IN MATH,
EVERY WEEK
YOU BUILD OFF
WHAT YOU LEARNED
THE WEEK BEFORE.
I MEAN,
IT'S LIKE A BUS.
AND YOU KEEP
MISSING THE BUS,
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
BE ABLE TO CATCH UP.
BUT, UH, I DON'T
RIDE THE BUS, SIR.
YEAH, FLUNK
ANOTHER TEST, DESARIO,
AND YOU JUST
MIGHT HAVE TO COME
BACK HERE NEXT YEAR
AND RIDE THE BUS
WITH ME AGAIN.
...SO THE GUY
LOOKS UP AT HER, RIGHT,
AND HE SAYS,
"HOW DO YOU THINK
I RANG THE DOORBELL?"
Jock: OH, MAN,
THAT'S SO RAUNCHY.
I DON'T GET IT.
JO
WHAT'S TO GET?
CKS DON'T KNOW
HOW TO TELL JOKES.
DO YOU GET IT?
I DON'T REALLY
LIKE JOKES.
I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE FUNNY.
I MEAN, MAYBE IF
WE UNDERSTOOD IT,
IT WOULD BE FUNNY.
THEY WERE LAUGHING
PRETTY HARD.
TRUST ME,
THEY'RE IDIOTS.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
HI, SAM.
OH--
HI, CINDY.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M GOOD,
AND YOU?
UH, PRETTY GOOD.
ARE YOU GOING TO
THE MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY
CARNIVAL?
I'M IN CHARGE
OF THE ICE CREAM BOOTH.
YEAH, I HEARD
ABOUT THAT.
OH, HEY, DR. LOVE,
HEY, I CAN'T FIND
MY GIRLFRIEND'S CERVIX.
CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?
OK, WHAT WAS
THAT ALL ABOUT?
OH, THAT WAS JUST...
AN INSIDE JOKE.
ANYWAYS,
IF YOU NEED
ANOTHER VOLUNTEER
FOR THE ICE CREAM BOOTH,
I'M AROUND.
WELL, THANKS,
BUT BETSY'S
ALREADY DOING IT.
BUT MAKE SURE YOU
STOP BY, THOUGH.
OK.
ALL RIGHT,
SEE YA.
HEY, TOMMY,
ARE YOU COMING
TO THE MUSCULAR
DYSTROPHY CARNIVAL?
EXCUSE ME,
DR. LOVE?
WOULD YOU AUTOGRAPH
MY GENITALS?
I TOOK 20 BUCKS
FROM MY MOM, RIGHT?
BUT SHE THOUGHT
IT WAS MY BROTHER.
SHE COMPLETELY
WENT NUTS ON HIM,
HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD
WITH A SPATULA.
I MEAN,
IT WAS HILARIOUS.
SOUNDS IT.
GOD! YOU BASTARD!
WHY'D YOU DO THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
GOD, WHAT ARE YOU,
LIT OR SOMETHING?
YOU KNOW? JEEZ!
I'M SORRY.
MELLOW OUT, ALL RIGHT?
YOU
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?
KNOW, NOW I GOTTA
WALK AROUND ALL DAY
WITH POP ON MY SHIRT.
YOU KNOW?
THANKS A LOT.
YEAH, YEAH.
I GET THESE WEIRD
URGES SOMETIMES.
I SHOULD PROBABLY
GOPOLOGIZE.
HEY.
HEY.
ARE YOU OK?
YEAH.
KOWCHEVSKI
SAYS IF I FLUNK
THIS TEST TOMORROW
I'LL HAVE TO
TAKE ALGEBRA AGAIN.
DO YOU THINK
YOU MIGHT FLUNK IT?
NO, I'M DEFINITELY
GONNA FLUNK IT.
DO YOU TAKE ALGEBRA?
UH, NO.
I TOOK IT LAST YEAR.
I TAKE TRIG.
YOU MUST
STUDY A LOT.
MATH ISN'T THIS BIG DEAL
THAT EVERYONE THINKS IT IS.
IT'S JUST A FEW BASIC
FORMULAS AND SOME SHORTCUTS,
AND THEN YOU
PLUG IN THE NUMBERS--
SHORTCUTS?
YOU MEAN,
LIKE, TRICKS?
YOU COULD
CALL THEM THAT.
YOU COULD DEFINITELY DO IT
IF YOU WANTED TO.
OH, YEAH, I KNOW.
I MEAN, IF I STUDY,
I COULD DO IT.
IT'S NOT LIKE
I'M A BUS DRIVER.
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW,
IT DOESN'T INTEREST ME.
IT'S SO LAME.
BUT DO YOU REALLY WANT
TO BE IN KOWCHEVSKI'S
CLASS AGAIN?
HELL, NO.
I'D RATHER
BE IN JAIL.
WELL, I COULD
HELP YOU STUDY.
IT COULD BE
KIND OF FUN.
SO THE GUY SAYS,
"HOW DO YOU THINK
I RANG THE DOORBELL?"
SO ITISFUNNY.
WHAT DOES
IT MEAN?
YOU GUYS ARE SO YOUNG.
YOU'RE ONLY A YEAR OLDER
THAN WE ARE.
YEAH, COME ON,
HARRIS,
WHAT DOES
IT MEAN?
Neal: HE DOESN'T
GET IT, EITHER.
OH, I GET IT.
THEN TELL US.
Harris:
I CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
'CAUSE THEN
YOU'D KNOW.
SO, THAT'S THE POINT,
ISN'T IT?
YOU HAVE TO FIND OUT
FOR YOURSELVES.
Sam:
THAT'S WHY
WE'RE ASKING.
I TOLD YOU.
HE DOESN'T KNOW.
IF I DIDN'T KNOW,
WOULD I BE WITH
JUDITH HERE?
OH, HARRIS,
YOU'RE SO BAD.
LOVE IS LIKE HOMEWORK.
YOU GOT TO STUDY
IF YOU WANT TO GET AN "A."
SO THEN THE GUY SAYS,
"HOW DO YOU THINK
I RANG THE DOORBELL?"
DO YOU
GET IT?
I DON'T.
DAD?
NO.
YOU KNOW
WHO'S FUNNY?
THAT RED BUTTONS.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHO COULD
THAT BE?
OH, THAT'S DANIEL.
HE'S A FRIEND
OF MINE FROM SCHOOL.
Harold:
I'LL GET THE DOOR.
IT'S DARK OUT,
AND YOU'RE A--A GIRL.
HI, IS, UH,
LINDSAY HERE?
YEAH.
OK, SO...HOW DO YOU
WANT TO DO THIS?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE NEVER DONE
THIS BEFORE.
OK, WELL,
IN YOUR TEXTBOOK...
DID YOU BRING
YOUR TEXTBOOK?
NO.
I PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE, HUH?
YEAH.
MAN...
SCREWED UP
ALREADY.
NO, IT'S OK.
I THINK I HAVE MINE
FROM LAST YEAR.
YOU KNOW
OH, GRT.
, THERE'S
THESE PRACTICE TESTS IN HERE,
AND THEY'RE
KIND OF HELPFUL.
JUST TALKING ABOUT
STUDYING MAKES ME
WANT TO TAKE A NAP.
HEY, WAIT,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT?
YOU CAN'T
SMOKE IN HERE.
I--I MEAN,
I DON'T CARE.
IT'S JUST,
MY PARENTS.
OH, RIGHT,
I--I'M SORRY.
I GOT AN IDEA.
I'LL GO OUTSIDE
AND SMOKE THIS,
BLAZE THROUGH THOSE
TRICKS OF YOURS.
WHAT YOU
GOT THERE?
UH, UM...
NOTHING.
NOTHING?
WHAT'S THAT?
LET ME SEE.
THESE TYPES OF BOOKS
JUST MAKE ME THINK
OF ALL THE CRAP
THAT CAN GO WRONG
INSIDE YOU.
WHY YOU
READING THIS?
I'M TAKING SEX ED
WITH MR. FREDRICKS.
HE EMBARRASSED ME
IN FRONT OF
THE WHOLE CLASS
JUST BECAUSE I'M
A LITTLE BIT BEHIND
WHEN IT COMES TO
THAT SORT OF STUFF.
YEAH, I KNOW
HOW THAT GOES.
YOU DO?
YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA LEARN
ANYTHING YOU CAN USE
FROM A BOOK LIKE THAT.
I'M NOT?
NO.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL FIND YOU
AT SCHOOL TOMORROW.
I'LL SET YOU UP.
WITH WHAT?
DON'T WORRY.
IT'S COOL.
SO, LET'S TRY
A DIFFERENT ONE.
HOW DO YOU SOLVE
THIS TYPE OF PROBLEM?
USE THE QUADRATIC
FORMULA?
EXACTLY.
AND WHAT IS
THE QUADRATIC FORMULA?
"X" EQUALS...
NEGATIVE "B,"
PLUS OR MINUS...
THE SQUARE ROOT--
LINDSAY...
WHEN YOU TOLD ME
YOU WERE GONNA
TEACH ME TRICKS,
I THOUGHT YOU MEANT,
LIKE, REAL TRICKS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
LIKE MAGIC TRICKS?
I MEAN
YEAH, WELL, SORT OF.
, RIGHT NOW
YOU'RE KIND OF JUST
TEACHING ME MATH.
WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU'RE
GONNA GET IT.
I KNOW, BUT I CAN'T
LEARN ALL THIS.
THE TEST
IS TOMORROW.
THERE'S NO WAY.
I--I DON
'T KNOW
WHAT ELSE TO DO.
I'LL BE COOL.
REALLY?
YEAH.
HEY, I'M SORRY
FOR WASTING YOUR TIME.
NO. YOU DIDN'T.
OH
OK.
, WANNA--
YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING?
WELL, I DON'T
THINK I CAN.
IT'S
A SCHOOL NIGHT
AND EVERYTHING.
ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE OK?
YEAH, FINE.
SEE YA.
GOOD LUCK.
SEE YA TOMORROW.
KICK THE THING'S
BUTT ANY DAY.
Sam: NO WAY! THE THING
COULD DEFINITELY
TAKE THE HULK.
EVEN IF THE HULK
COULD BEAT HIM,
ALL IT HAS TO DO
IS WAIT
TILL THE H
ULK
TURNS INTO
BILL BIXBY AGAIN
AND CREAM HIM,
NO PROBLEM.
YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE RIGHT.
HEY, WEIR.
COME HERE.
I GOT SOMETHING
YOU MIGHT BE
INTERESTED IN.
CHECK IT OUT,
BUT DON'T LOSE IT.
OK.
I WANT IT BACK.
ALL RIGHT.
RIGHT.
HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY, HEY.
DON'T OPEN IT
HERE, MAN.
I DON'T WANT IT
GETTING CONFISCATED,
KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING?
OK.
ALL RIGHT.
CONFISCATED?
COME ON,
LET'S GO.
[DRUMMING
ON LOCKER]
HEY, CHUMP.
I NEED YOUR HELP.
COME HERE.
I NEED T
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT.
O GET
SOMETHING OUT OF
THIS CLASSROOM.
IF YOU SEE
KOWCHEVSKI COMING,
YOU JUST BANG
ON THIS DOOR,
ALL RIGHT?
HEY, DON'T
SCREW ME OVER.
LOOK ALIVE.
I'M ALIVE, MAN.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO HIT ME.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE OUT
IN A SECOND.
HEY, NICK,
WHAT'S UP?
OH, HEY,
WHAT'S UP, SARA?
DID YOU HEAR THAT
DANIELLE AND I
WERE GONNA SING
SUPER TROUPER
AT THE TALENT SHOW?
YEAH, WE
OH, YEAH?
'RE GONNA
DRESS UP LIKE ABBA.
WOW.
ABBA, HUH?
MM-HMM.
THEY'RE FROM...
SWITZERLAND, RIGHT?
NO, I THINK
THEY'RE FROM
SWEDEN, ACTUALLY.
[DRUMMING]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M, UH...
THINKING ABOUT ABBA.
YEAH, I'LL TALK
TO YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, UH,
TALK TO YOU LATER.
I THINK I'M GETTING
A WART ON MY WRIST.
JESUS, MAN,
THIS ALGEBRA TEST
IS CRAZY.
WHAT LANGUAGE
IS THIS?
HOW DO YOU GET RID
OF A WART?
HEY. I'M TRYING
TO THINK HERE, OK?
I'M SORRY, MAN.
IT LOOKS LIKE SOME KIND
OF MOVIE OR SOMETHING.
LET ME SEE THAT.
LET ME SEE IT.
HANG ON.
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S A NAKED WOMAN.
WHAT'S SHE DOING?
WHO CARES WHAT
SHE'S DOING?
SHE'S NAKED.
IT'S A DIRTY MOVIE.
YOU MEAN,
LIKE A PORNO?
OH! EWW! GIVE ME THAT.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO WITH A PORNO?
YOU WATCH IT...
OVER AND OVER.
EWW!
ONLY PERVE
RTS
WATCH PORNOS, RIGHT?
WELL, THEN EVERY GUY
IN AMERICA IS A PERVERT.
THE MEANING OF THAT JOKE
IS RIGHT HERE.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO WATCH IT?
I DON'T EVEN HAVE
A PROJECTOR.
WELL, I DO.
GIVE IT TO ME.
AFTER SCHOOL TODAY,
WE GO TO MY HOUSE,
AND WE WATCH
THIS MOVIE
FROM BEGINNING
TO END.
AGREED?
OK.
HEY.
I GANKED THE TEST.
WAIT. WHAT?
I STOLE IT FROM
KOWCHEVSKI'S OFFICE.
HE'S GOT NO CLUE.
I NEED YOUR HELP.
I CAN'T FIGURE
ANY OF THIS OUT.
[STAMMERING]
I CAN'T.
SURE, YOU CAN.
THIS STUFF'S
EASY FOR YOU.
NO, I MEAN...
I SHOULDN'T.
WHY NOT?
HEY.
HEY.
DON'T WORRY.
I'M NOT GONNA BE
HITTING YOU UP
EVERY TIME
I HAVE A MATH TEST.
I PROMISE.
SO FOR THIS ONE...
LOOK, I DON'T MEAN
TO BE UPTIGHT,
BUT IT'S JUST...
WHY DON'T I TALK
TO KOWCHEVSKI?
WHAT? WHY?
I'LL ASK HIM
FOR AN EXTENSION.
HE GAVE ME ONE ONCE.
HE LIKES ME.
I'LL TELL HIM
I'M TUTORING YOU
AND THAT YOU'RE GETTING
THE HANG OF IT,
BUT YOU JUST NEED
A LITTLE MORE TIME.
WOULDN'T IT JUST BE EASIER
TO FILL OUT THIS TEST?
LET ME TALK TO HIM, OK?
FORGET IT.
THAT DIRTBAG'S NOT GONNA
GET AN EXTENSION.
BUT, MR. KOWCHEVSKI,
I WAS WORKING
WITH HIM LAST NIGHT,
AND HE'S REALLY LEARNING.
DANIEL'S
THE KIND OF STUDENT
WHO NEEDS MORE ATTENTION,
YOU KNOW?
NO. DANIEL'S THE KIND
OF STUDENT
WHO NEEDS TO JUST
DISAPPEAR.
EXCUSE ME?
LOOK, HE WASTES MY TIME.
HE WASTES CLASS TIME.
AND NOW HE'S WASTING
YOUR TIME.
WELL, NO, HE'S NOT WASTING
ANYBODY'S TIME.
I MEAN...CE ON,
ISN'T IT YOUR JOB
TO TEACH HIM?
LINDSAY...
I KNOW DANIEL IS CUTE
WITH HIS BEDROOM EYES
AND HIS STRINGY HAIR,
BUT HE'S A LOSER.
AND LOSERS
PULL DOWN WINNERS.
NOW...
YOU'RE A SMART GIRL.
DON'T LET YOUR HORMONES
GET IN THE WAY.
EXCUSE ME.
WHERE'S THAT TEST?
IN MY JACKET.
LET'S GO.
OK
. 74 TIMES 23--
PUT THAT IN PARENTHESES.
AND X EQUALS 19Y,
AND Y EQUALS 8.
DAMN, IT'S WEIRD YOU CAN
DO THIS IN YOUR HEAD.
LIKE A BRAINC
OR SOMETHING.
THANKS.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
KOWCHEVSKI'S FACE
WHEN HE HANDS THIS
BACK TO ME.
THIS WILL BLOW HIS MIND.
YEAH, BUT, DANIEL,
THIS ISN'T OVER, RIGHT?
I'M GONNA TUTOR YOU,
AND YOU WON'T HAVE
TO STEAL ANY MORE TESTS.
NO. YEAH. I KNOW.
NO. I KNOW.
I'M GONNA BE, LIKE,
A GUY WITH ONE OF
THOSE THINGS.
AN ABACUS?
YEAH.
7Y4X EQUALS 9...
[LAUGHS]
Kowchevski:
COME ON, PEOPLE.
THIS IS JUST A TEST,
NOT A DEATH SENTENCE.
IF YOU'RE PREPARED,
YOU GOT NOTHIN'
TO WORRY ABOUT.
LINDSAY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
TURNS OUT
YOUR FRIEND DANIEL
DIDN'T NEED THAT
EXTENSION AFTER ALL.
HE GOT AN "A"
ON THE ALGEBRA TEST.
YEAH, WELL, I TOLD YOU
I HELPED HIM STUDY.
DID YOU
HELP HIM CHEAT?
NO.
I'VE GOT
AN ANONYMOUS NOTE
THAT SAYS YOU DID.
WELL, I DIDN'T.
I DIDN'T CHEAT.
I THINK YOU DID.
WE'LL DEAL WITH THIS
TOMORROW.
YOU'RE IN A LOT
OF TROUBLE,
YOUNG LADY.
WHY WERE YOU TALKING
TO MR. KOWCHEVSKI?
HUH?
ARE YOU JOINING
THE MATHLETES AGAIN?
NO.
JEEZ.
SORRY I ASKED.
YOU HAVE
POPCORN?
BILL, THIS IS A PORNO.
YOU DON'T EAT POPCORN
DURING A PORNO.
THIS IS TAKING FOREVER.
YEAH. COULD'VE MADE
OUR OWN PORNO BY NOW.
HEY, DO YOU WANT
THE PROJECTOR
TO EAT THE FILM
AND HAVE THAT
DANIEL GUY KILL YOU?
'CAUSE, I MEAN,
WE CAN DO THAT, TOO.
ALL RIGHT. THERE.
KILL THE LIGHTS.
AYE, AYE, SIR.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
HERE WE GO.
WOW.
HO
HELLO.
W'D YOU LIKE TO
COME HOME TO THAT
EVERY NIGHT?
WOW.
HE'S IN
GOOD SHAPE.
OY!
Bill:
OH, MY GOD.
UH...
THIS IS...WEIRD.
WOW.
THAT GUY'S GOT THE BEST
JOB IN THE WORLD.
HEY, YOU THINK THERE'S
ANY SHORT PORN STARS?
I'M SO DEAD.
WHAT DID YOU TELL
KOWCHEVSKI?
NOTHING.
DID YOU TELL HIM
THAT WE CHEATED?
NO.
HE COULD SEE IT
ALL OVER MY FACE.
THEN IT'S NOT OVER.
ANONYMOUS NOTE?
THAT MEANS NOTHING.
GET IN.
AS LONG AS WE DON'T,
YOU KNOW, ADMIT IT,
THEY GOT JACK ON US.
YOU WANT TO DENY IT?
YEAH, DEFINITELY.
DANIEL, I DON'T--
LISTEN, LINDSAY.
YOU'RE GOOD AT MATH.
I'M GOOD AT THIS
SORT OF THING.
AND WHEN SOMETHING
LIKE THIS HAPPENS,
YOU DENY EVERYTHING.
BUT I'M NOT A GOOD LIAR.
LINDSAY, I GOT YOU
INTO THIS.
I'M GONNA GET YOU
OUT OF THIS.
BUT YOU GOTTA TRUST ME.
WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER.
SO, YOU WANT ME
TO THREAD IT UP AGAIN?
I'M GOIN' HOME.
ARE WE GONNA GO
TO HELL FOR THIS?
I DON'T WANNA
GO TO HELL.
HEY, SAM.
YOU HARDLY TOUCHED
YOUR CHICKEN LA KING.
AREN'T YOU HUNGRY?
HUH?
UH, NO.
I HAD A REALLY BIG...
SNACK AT NEAL'S.
AFTER SCHOOL.
MAY I BE EXCUSED?
OK. BUT WE'RE HAVING
CHOCOLATE COCONUT
SQUARES FOR DESSERT.
UH...
MAYBE LATER.
ALL RIGHT, SWEETIE.
Harold: OF COURSE.
HE'S AT THAT STAGE.
YES, I UNDERSTAND
TOTALLY.
ALL RIGHT. GOOD-BYE.
YOU WENT THROUGH THAT.
YOU WOULDN'T
EAT A THING.
THAT WAS MR. KOWCHEVSKI
ON THE PHONE.
APPARENTLY, MY DAUGHTER
IS NOW A CHEATER.
SH
WHAT?
E CHEATED
ON A MATH TEST.
NOW SHE'S FACING
SUSPENSION.
MY AUNT SALLY.
LINDSAY!
IT'S NOT TRUE.
YOU'RE A GOOD STUDENT.
DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU WOULD CHEAT.
WELL, SHE'S HANGING AROUND
WITH THE WRONG CROWD.
THEY'RE LYING AND CHEATING,
AND, NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
SHE'S PATTY HEARST,
AND SHE'S GOT A GUN
TO OUR HEAD.
DAD, I JUST TOLD YOU
IT'S NOT TRUE.
MAYBE I DON'T
BELIEVE YOU.
YOU DON'T EVEN ASK ME
MY SIDE OF THE STORY?
YOU JUST JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS
AND START YELLING AT ME?
GOD, THAT IS SO SICK.
YOU KNOW...FINE.
BELIEVE WHAT
YOU WANNA BELIEVE.
I DON'T EVEN CARE.
WHATEVER.
YOU KNOW, THANKS
FOR ALL THE SUPPORT.
[DOOR SLAMS]
SO THEN THE GUY
SAYS TO HER,
"HOW DO YOU THINK
I RANG THE DOORBELL?"
[LAUGHTER]
IT
'S A PRETTY GOOD ONE, HUH?
LINDSAY.
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
SOME OF THE MATHLETES
HAVE BEEN SAYING THINGS...
ABOUT YOU.
YEAH? LIKE WHAT?
THERE'S A RUMOR
GOING AROUND...
THAT YOU CHEATED
ON A MATH TEST.
I TOLD THEM
THAT'S IMPOSBLE.
EVEN THOUGH LINDSAY'S
NOT A MATHLETE ANYMORE,
SHE WOULD NEVER BREAK
THE LEAGUE'S CODE OF HONOR.
YEAH? WELL,
GUESS WHAT, MILLIE?
I DID CHEAT.
I LIED
AND I CHEATED,
AND THEN I LIED
SOME MORE.
[LAUGHING]
YOU'RE FUNNY, LINDSAY.
I KNEW IT WASN'T TRUE.
[SIGH]
SO...
ANYONE SEE
DUKES OF HAZZARD
LAST NIGHT?
YEAH.
IT WAS A GOOD ONE.
YEAH. BOSS HOGG
IS REALLY FUNNY.
Cindy: WHAT'S GOIN' ON,
GUYS?
ALL RIGHT, I'LL
SEE YOU LATER. BYE.
HEY, SAM.
UH...WHAT DO YOU WANT?
UM, WELL, I WAS
JUST WONDERING
IF YOU COULD
HELP ME OUT WITH
THE ICE CREAM BOOTH
'CAUSE BETSY CAN'T
MAKE IT TO THE CARNIVAL.
UH, WELL, IT TURNS OUT THAT
I CAN'T MAKE IT, EITHER.
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
UM, I'M A LITTLE BUSY
RIGHT NOW.
SO...
YEAH, OK. SURE.
UH, I'LL SEE YOU
LATER.
WASN'T THAT GREAT
WHEN THE DUKES
HANDCUFFED ROSCOE,
ENOS, AND BOSS HOGG
TOGETHER?
THAT WAS...REALLY FUNNY.
IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU WANT TO TELL ME
BEFORE THE MEETING
THIS AFTERNOON?
JUST...
I DIDN'T CHEAT.
YOU KNOW...
SOMETHING LIKE THIS
HAPPENED TO ME
WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.
GOT A MINUTE?
I GUESS.
I FELT BAD
FOR THIS KID.
BRUCE CONFORTI.
SO I'D KINDA "HELP" HIM
ON BIOLOGY TESTS.
OK, WE CHEATED.
BUT AFTER A WHILE,
I REALIZED HE WAS THE ONE
BEING CHEATED,
OUT OF SOMETHING
PRICELESS--
KNOWLEDGE.
SO ONE DAY,
I JUST TOLD HIM,
I'M NOT GONNA
DO THAT ANYMORE.
AND--
HE STUDIED AND HE GOT
ALL As HIS OWN.
CLOSE. HE BEAT
THE LIVING CRAP OUTTA ME.
AND WHEN I SAY, BEAT
THE LIVING CRAP OUTTA ME,
I MEAN, THE LIVING CRAP.
ALL I DID WAS
HELP DANIEL STUDY.
OK. I TRUST YOU.
HEY, KIM.
WHERE'S DANIEL?
I DON'T KNOW.
BEATS ME.
WE HAVE A DISCIPLINARY
MEETING AFTER SCHOOL.
UGH.
YOU NERVOUS?
YOU KNOW,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
DANIEL GETS OUT OF
STUFF LIKE THIS
ALL THE TIME.
WELL, I SHOULDN'T
FEEL BAD, RIGHT?
I MEAN, KOWCHEVSKI
IS A JERK,
AND I'M GONNA
TUTOR DANIEL,
AND HE'LL
PASS THE CLASS.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA
WORK OUT, RIGHT?
[LAUGHING]
I'M SORRY.
YOU THINK THAT
YOU AND DANIEL
ARE GONNA BE, LIKE,
STUDY BUDDIES?
HE WANTS TO LEARN.
AND WHAT ABOUT
THE NEXT TEST?
HE'LL JUST GET THE ANSWERS
FROM SOMEBODY ELSE.
HE ALWAYS DOES.
AH!
HEY.
HEY.
YOU READY TO STICK IT
TO THE MAN?
PARTNERS IN CRIME?
GIVE ME FIVE.
HEY, DON'T
LEAVE ME HANGIN'.
ALL RIGHT.
OW!
HI.
ANOTHER TH
ING THEY DO
IS THE OLD COP TRICK.
THEY'LL GET YOU ALONE,
AND THEY'LL TELL YOU
I CONFESSED.
BUT DON'T BELIEVE 'EM.
I'LL NEVER CONFESS, OK?
WELL, I'M GOING TO.
I CAN'T KEEP LYING.
WHAT I
WHAT? WHY NOT?
S THIS, SOME KIND
OF GAME TO YOU?
YOU ALREADY
GOT ME TO CHEAT
AND TO LIE TO MY PARENTS
AND TO MR. ROSSO.
I MEAN--
I KNOW, BUT...
WHY STOP NOW?
WE'RE ALMOST HOME FREE.
ALL RIGHT. LINDSAY.
LINDSAY, I UNDERSTAND.
YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR GRADES
AND YOUR TRANSCRIPT.
BUT IF YOU GET SUSPENDED,
IT GOES ON YOUR TRANSCRIPT.
THEN YOU REALLY WILL
BE SCREWED.
YOU'RE MANIPULATING ME
WHAT?
YOU'RE MANIPULATING ME.
NO, I'M NOT.
AN
YES, YOU ARE.
D, YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY
HARD TO SAY NO TO YOU,
I'
BUT I HAVE TO.
M SORRY. I CAN'T GO
IN THERE AND LIE.
I'M NOT GOING TO.
OK, FINE.
DON'T LIE.
WHAT?
NO, LET'S GO IN THERE,
AND WE'LL TELL 'EM
WHAT WE DID.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
YOU'LL GET A NICE SLAP
ON THE WRIST,
AND I'LL GET, WHAT,
SUSPENDED? EXPELLED?
THAT IS NOT FAIR,
DANIEL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
I WANT TO BE TERRIBLE
AT SCHOOL?
YOU THINK I LIKE IT?
I WISH I WAS
AS SMART AS YOU.
I WISH IT ALL CAME
EASY TO ME.
BUT IT DOESN'T.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS...
WHEN I WAS IN SIXTH GRADE,
THEY TOLD US WHEN WE GOT
TO JUNIOR HIGH,
WE'D BE EITHER IN TRACK ONE,
TRACK 2, OR TRACK 3.
TRACK ONE'S
THE SMART KIDS,
TRACK 2'S
THE NORMAL KIDS,
TRACK 3
IS THE DUMB KIDS.
AND WHAT DO YOU THINK
I GOT?
HOW DO YOU THINK
IT FEELS...
TO BE TOLD YOU'RE DUMB...
WHEN YOU'RE
11 YEARS OLD?
YOU ARE NOT DUMB.
I JUST WANTED
TO PROVE HIM WRONG...
JUST ONCE...
EVEN IF I AM CHEATING.
"IF A PREGNANT WOMAN
HAS SEX,
CAN THE BABY GET...
POKED?"
HEY. HEY. HYENAS!
CAN I GET THROUGH
ONE QUESTION
WITHOUT YOU GUYS GETTIN'
HYSTERICAL ON ME?
COME ON. UH...LISTEN,
SEX IS PERFECTLY SAFE
FOR THE FETUS.
IT'S, UH,
IT'S NOT GONNA COME OUT
WITH DENTS ON ITS HEAD
LIKE A GOLF BALL
OR SOMETHIN'.
I MEAN, DELLAGE GOT POKED
IN THE EYE.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M KIDD'.
KIDDIN', DELLAGE.
[BELL RINGS]
LISTEN.
CHAPTER 13
IN THE TEXT TOMORROW
FOR A POP QUIZ.
WHOOP! YOU DIDN'T
HEAR IT FROM ME.
HEY, UH, SAM? SAM?
CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A MINUTE?
IN MY OFFICE?
SURE.
WHEN I WAS GOIN'
THROUGH THESE QUESTIONS,
I WAS A LITTLE
DISTURBED BY YOURS.
HOW DID YOU KNOW
WHICH ONE WAS MINE?
I THOUGHT...I THOUGHT
IT WAS ANONYMOUS.
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
WITHSTAR TREK
NOTEBOOK PAPER.
OH.
WHERE'D YOU FIND OUT
ABOUT THIS..."ACTIVITY"?
UH...
I SAW A MOVIE.
OK. I SEE. UM...
WELL, YOU KNOW...
IN MOVIES LIKE THAT...
THEY--THEY SENSATIONALIZE
CERTAIN THINGS...
BUT IN REALITY,
THOSE THINGS
DON'T USUALLY HAPPEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TRYIN' TO SAY?
ALL RIGHT. I'M GONNA
TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
PLAIN LANGUAGE.
BUT LISTEN,
YOU CAN'T TELL ANYBODY
WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION.
YOUR PERMISSION SLIP
FOR SEX ED DOESN'T
COVER THIS STUFF.
I COULD GET IN A LOT
OF TROUBLE FOR WHAT
I'M GONNA TELL YOU.
ALL RIGHT?
OK.
FAIR ENOUGH.
UM...
CERTAIN MEN...
UH, NOT ME...
[MUSIC FADES IN
COVERING CONVERSATION]
HUH? TORTURE OVER.
WE'RE DONE.
BUT JUST...JUST...
I MEAN,
THOSE MOVIES...
IT'S NOT REALITY.
OK? IF IT WAS REALITY,
I'D BE FREAKED OUT
MYSELF.
YEAH
OK?
. UH...THANK YOU,
MR. FREDRICKS.
NO PROBLEM.
ALL RIGHT. GET
OUTTA HERE, COWBOY.
UH...I--I HAVE
JUST ONE MORE QUESTION.
WHAT IS IT?
UH, COULD YOU EXPLAIN
THIS JOKE TO ME?
SO, THERE'S THIS GUY
WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS...
HEY.
IF YOU WANT TO TELL
THE TRUTH, IT'S COOL.
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
NO. DANIEL, LET'S
JUST STICK TO OUR STORY.
OK.
WHEN WE GET IN THERE...
LET ME HANDLE IT. OK?
WELL, I'M CHEESED OFF
RIGHT NOW, AND I DON'T CARE.
HI. WE'R
E
LINDSAY WEIR'S PARENTS.
UH, MOM...DAD.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
OH...HONEY, WE...
WE FELT TERRIBLE
ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN
TRUTHFUL WITH US,
SO WE NEVER
SHOULD'VE DOUBTED YOU.
NOBODY FALSELY
ACCUSES MY DAUGHTER!
HONEY. SHH.
IT'S OK. I MEAN,
IT HAPPENS.
NOT TO MEMBERS
OF THIS FAMILY,
IT DOESN'T!
I WANT
SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.
TO GIVE
THIS KOWCHEVSKI JOKER
A PIECE OF MY MIND.
Jean: YOUR FATHER
EVEN CLOSED THE STORE.
NOW, LET'S BE PATIENT,
TRY AND HEAR EVERYONE OUT,
BE A TEAM.
WE DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW
THAT ANYONE CHEATED.
I DO.
WELL, FINE.
UNFORTUNATELY, AN ANONYMOUS NOTE
ISN'T SUFFICIENT PROOF.
THERE IS NO NOTE.
THERE'S NO NOTE?
NO. I USE THIS
AS A PLOY SOMETIMES
TO GET A CONFESSION.
HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO HAVE
REAL RELATIONSHIPS
WITH THESE KIDS
IF YOU'RE LYING TO THEM?
LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING.
I KNEW KIDS LIKE
DESARIO IN VIETNAM.
THOSE WERE
THE KIND OF KIDS[CHEERFULLY]
EVERYONE'S HERE.
AND IF SHE SAYS
SHE DIDN'T HELP
THIS KID CHEAT,
THEN SHE DIDN'T!
SHE TUTORED HIM,
AND IT WORKED.
YEAH. YOU SHOULDN'T
BE PUNISHING HER.
YOU SHOULD BE PAYING HER
FOR DOING YOUR JOB.
MR. WEIR...UH, HAROLD,
IT'S RECENTLY COME
TO MY ATTENTION
THAT THERE WAS
NO ANONYMOUS NOTE WRITTEN.
THERE WAS NO NOTE?
NO. IT WAS A FRAUD.
I--I APOLOGIZE.
SEE? I TOLD YOU.
BUT WE'RE STILL
NOT ENTIRELY CONVINCED
THESE TWO DIDN'T CHEAT.
SO YOU WANT TO PUNISH
MY DAUGHTER, BUT YOU
HAVE NO PROOF.
LOOK, MR. WEIR,
IT SHOULD'VE NEVER
COME TO THIS.
I'VE TALKED TO LINDSAY.
I KNOW SHE DIDN'T
DO ANYTHING.
DAEL, DID YOU...
CHEAT ON THIS TEST?
NO.
GOOD. THEN
I'M SATISFIED.
YOU'RESATISFIED?
I'MNOT SATISFIED.
GIVE IT UP, FRANK.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
I TOOK OFF WORK
FOR THIS?
I APOLOGIZE
FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.
NO, NO, NO.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
I HAVE
THE ALGEBRA TEST
THAT DANIEL TOOK.
IF HE CAN DO
THE FIRST PROBLEM,
I WILL NOT
ONLY GET DOWN
ON MY HANDS AND KNEES
AND BEG EVERYONE
IN THIS ROOM
FOR FORGIVENESS...
BUT I'LL QUIT.
I WILL RESIGN.
I'LL NEVER TEACH AGAIN.
THAT'D BE A START.
I ALREADY TOOK THE TEST.
YOU CAN'T
MAKE ME TAKE IAGAIN.
YES, I CAN.
COME ON, DANIEL.
ONE PROBLEM...
AND THIS ALL
GOES AWAY.
COME ON, SON.
Rosso:
GO AHEAD, DANIEL.
OK.
JUST NEED TO USE
THE QUADRATIC FORMULA.
SEE?
LOOK AT HIM GO.
HEY, SAM.
OH. HI, CINDY.
I'M SORRY
IF I WAS ACTING...
WEIRD...AT LUNCH.
WERE YOU ACTING WEIRD?
[CHUCKLES]
WELL...ANYWAYS...
UH...IT TURNS OUT
THAT ICANGO
TO THE CARNIVAL.
SO, I MEAN,
IF YOU DON'T--
IF YOU STILL DON'T
HAVE A SCOOPER,
I'M AVAILABLE.
WELL, JEANINE ALREADY SAID
THAT SHE WAS GONNA.
OK.
BUT, HEY, WE CAN ALWAYS
USE ANOTHER SCOOPER.
AND, LOOK. GRAB A BRUSH.
THANK YOU.
SO, WHAT TIME
SHOULD I BE THERE?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
IT STARTS AT, LIKE, NOON,
SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD
COME AT 11:00.
A.M.?
P.M.?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Cindy: 12 NOON.
OHHH...
[JEAN AND HAROLD
WHISPERING]
HE'S GOT A PROBLEM.
THAT'S ALL.
WHATISTHAT?
THAT...IS A STUDENT
THAT MR. ROSSO
BELIEVES IN.
UH, LED ZEPPELIN
IS ACTUALLY THE NAME
OF A POPULAR
ROCK BAND.
I KNOW WHO
LED ZEPPELIN IS!
WHAT THE HELL'S
GOIN' ON HERE?
ARE YOU KIDDING US
WITH THIS CRAP?
LINDSAY,
YOU LIED TO US?
MOM, I DIDN'T--
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW MUCH MONEY I'M LOSING?
LOOK, DON'T BLAME
LINDSAY.
IT'S NOT HER FAULT.
IT'S MINE.
SHE WAS JUST TRYIN'
TO HELP ME.
WH
NOBODY
ELSE EVER DOES.
AT DO YOU THINK,
I WANT TO BE
TERRIBLE AT SCHOOL?
YOU THINK I LIKE IT?
I WISH I WAS SMART,
YOU KNOW?
I WISH IT ALL
CAME EASY TO ME,
BUT IT DOESN'T.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS
IN SIXTH GRADE,
THEY TOLD US WHEN
WE GOT TO JUNIOR HIGH,
WE'D BE
EITHER IN TRACK ONE,
TRACK 2, OR TRACK 3.
TRACK ONE'S
THE SMART KIDS,
TRACK 2'S
THE NORMAL KIDS,
TRACK 3'S
THE DUMB KIDS.
AND WHAT DO YOU
THINK I GOT?
HOW DO YOU THINK
IT FEELS TO BE TOLD
THAT YOU'RE DUMB
IN INK WHEN YOU'RE
11 YEARS OLD?
I MEAN...WHERE
ARE YOU SUPPOSED
TO GO FROM THERE?
HA HA HA HA HA!
[STILL LAUGHING]
BE COOL.
LOOK. SHE'S AS HIGH
AS A KITE!
MY DAUGHTER
IS NOT HIGH!
HAROLD,
WHAT IS GOING ON?
I--I THINKS IT'S
A NERVOUS REACTION.
Harold: I DON'T
KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
TENSE SITUATION.
I DON'T--
HA HA HA HA HA!
TRACK 3!
LINDSAY,
WHAT'S GOING ON?!
WILL YOU...
STOP LAUGHING?
Jean: YOU STARTED
ALL THIS.
Harold: NO, I DID NOT
START ALL THIS!
Harold: THIS
Jean: YES, YOU DID.
SCHOOL
IS THE WRONG SCHOOL
FOR MY DAUGHTER!
Kowchevski: I ASKED HIM
TO DO ONE QUESTION.
HE COULD NOT EVEN DO
ONE QUESTION.
Harold: SHE'S
A TRACK ONE GIRL!
DR
"WHEN PROFOUND HORMONAL
CHANGES OCCUR.
"THE ONSET
OF THESE CHANGES
"IS THE FUNCTION
OF A SMALL GLAND
"CALLED THE PITUITARY.
"THIS GLAND SENDS
CHEMICAL SIGNALS
THROUGHOUT THE BODY,
"MOST NOTABLY RESULTING
IN HEIGHT INCREASE,
AND HAIR GROWTH
IN THE GENITAL AREA."
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, HEY!
KNOCK IT OFF!
YOU THINK
THIS IS FUNNY?
JUST TRY ME.
HERE IS,
OK, ALL RIGHT.
UH, THE FEMALE
REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM.
"THE UTERUS IS COMPOSED
OF 2 MAIN PARTS..."
WHAT THE HELL
IS THAT?
YOU THINK SHE'S SINGLE?
LOOKS LIKE IT'S
FROM OUTER SPACE.
SHUT UP.
Mr. Fredricks:
WEIR!
YOU HAVE
SOMETHING TO SAY?
NO, SIR.
WHEN YOU GET
THE CLAP
'CAUSE YOU WEREN'T
PAYING ATTENTION
IN HEALTH CLASS,
IS THAT GONNA
BE FUNNY, TOO?
NO.
I DIDN'T
THINK SO.
"THE CERVIX.
IT HAS A FINE CANAL
RUNNING THROUGH IT
OPENING INTO
THE CAVITY OF
THE UTERUS ABOVE."
DIDN'T
SIGOURNEY WEAVER
KILL THAT THING
INALIEN?
QUIET.
"DURING
PREGNANCY..."
REMEMBER WHEN IT
POPPED OUT OF
THE GUY'S STOMACH?
NO, IDIOT, IT JUMPED OUT
OF HIS CHEST.
Mr
SHUT UP.
Fredricks:SI
ALL RIGHT, WEIR!
NCE YOU SEEM
TO KNOW EVERYTHING,
YOU KNOW WHAT,
I GOT A GREAT IDEA.
WHY DON'T I
SHUT MY BIG MOUTH,
AND YOU COME UP
AND TEACH THE CLASS.
SORRY.
I SAID GET UP HERE.
Mr. Fredricks:
GET UP HERE!
LET'S GO.
OH, UH, EXCUSE ME,
DR. LOVE?
CAN YOU SHOW ME
WHERE THE OVARIES
ARE LOCATED?
OVARIES?
OVARIES.
[IMITATES BUZZER]
SORRY.
UH, CERVIX?
CERVIX.
CERVIX.
CERVIX SAYS
NO.
[LAUGHTER]
HEY, ALL RIGHT--
PACHOSKI, YOU WANT
TO GO HELP HIM?
HUH?
THE VAGINA, WEIR,
THE VA--
EASY ONE,
EASY ONE.
BASIC STUFF,
GUYS KNOW IT.
GO AHEAD,
POINT TO IT.
I--I DON'T KNOW.
ALL RIGHT,
MR. WEIR,
INSTEAD OF YUCKING
IT UP IN CLASS,
OR YOU
YOU MIGHT WANT
TO PAY ATTENTION,
'RE GOING
TO HAVE A VERY
DIFFICULT LIFE.
OK? SIT DOWN,
DR. LOVE.
[LAUGHTER]
DR. LOVE.
[SIGHS]
AT LEAST I DIDN'T
GET HEAD LICE.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.L.C.
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
'BOUT MY REPUTATN
LIVIN' IN T PAST,IT'S A NEW GENERATION
GO AND DO
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO
AND THAT'S WHAT
I'M GONNA DO
AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
OH, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
WHAH! NO!
NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO
NOT ME
ME, ME, ME, ME
I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
'BOUT MY REPUTATION
I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID
OF ANY DEVIATION
AND I DON'T REALLY CARE
IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE
I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE
AND I'M NEV GONNA CARE
'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION
NOT ME!
ANA.
THEY WERE DE-LICIOUS.
[BACHMAN-TURNER OVERDRIVE'S
TAKIN' CARE OF BUSINESS
PLAYING]
HEY, GOOD GAME
ON SATURDAY, EDDIE.
JENNIFER,
I'VE BEEN HEARING SOME
TERRIFIC THINGS ABOUT YOU
FROM MY SOURCES
IN THE ENGLISH DEPARTMENT.
AS YOU WERE.
HEY, BRAD.
HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
IN A WHILE.
STOP BY THE OFFICE.
WE'LL RAP.
SURE THING,
MR. ROSSO.
PEACE, BROTHER.
ROCK ON, KIRBY.
[MUSIC FADES]
OK, MR. DESARIO,
IT'S TIME FOR YOUR
FAVORITE CLASS.
OK, COME ON,
PEOPLE, SIMMER DOWN.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
THIS IS MY TIME,
NOT YOURS.
HEY, CHATTY CATHY,
YOU SIT ON
THE FURNITURE AT HOME?
OK, A REMINDER
ABOUT TOMORROW'S TEST.
IT'S TOMORROW.
UH, KOWCHEVSKI?
DESARIO.
DIDN'T WE TAKE
A TEST LAST WEEK?
YOUR POINT?
WELL, I JUST
DON'T THINK
YOU'VE TAUGHT US ENOUGH
IN THE PAST WEEK
TO GIVE US
ANOTHER TEST.
OK, PEOPLE,
IN MATH,
EVERY WEEK
YOU BUILD OFF
WHAT YOU LEARNED
THE WEEK BEFORE.
I MEAN,
IT'S LIKE A BUS.
AND YOU KEEP
MISSING THE BUS,
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
BE ABLE TO CATCH UP.
BUT, UH, I DON'T
RIDE THE BUS, SIR.
YEAH, FLUNK
ANOTHER TEST, DESARIO,
AND YOU JUST
MIGHT HAVE TO COME
BACK HERE NEXT YEAR
AND RIDE THE BUS
WITH ME AGAIN.
...SO THE GUY
LOOKS UP AT HER, RIGHT,
AND HE SAYS,
"HOW DO YOU THINK
I RANG THE DOORBELL?"
Jock: OH, MAN,
THAT'S SO RAUNCHY.
I DON'T GET IT.
JO
WHAT'S TO GET?
CKS DON'T KNOW
HOW TO TELL JOKES.
DO YOU GET IT?
I DON'T REALLY
LIKE JOKES.
I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE FUNNY.
I MEAN, MAYBE IF
WE UNDERSTOOD IT,
IT WOULD BE FUNNY.
THEY WERE LAUGHING
PRETTY HARD.
TRUST ME,
THEY'RE IDIOTS.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
HI, SAM.
OH--
HI, CINDY.
HOW ARE YOU?
I'M GOOD,
AND YOU?
UH, PRETTY GOOD.
ARE YOU GOING TO
THE MUSCULAR DYSTROPHY
CARNIVAL?
I'M IN CHARGE
OF THE ICE CREAM BOOTH.
YEAH, I HEARD
ABOUT THAT.
OH, HEY, DR. LOVE,
HEY, I CAN'T FIND
MY GIRLFRIEND'S CERVIX.
CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?
OK, WHAT WAS
THAT ALL ABOUT?
OH, THAT WAS JUST...
AN INSIDE JOKE.
ANYWAYS,
IF YOU NEED
ANOTHER VOLUNTEER
FOR THE ICE CREAM BOOTH,
I'M AROUND.
WELL, THANKS,
BUT BETSY'S
ALREADY DOING IT.
BUT MAKE SURE YOU
STOP BY, THOUGH.
OK.
ALL RIGHT,
SEE YA.
HEY, TOMMY,
ARE YOU COMING
TO THE MUSCULAR
DYSTROPHY CARNIVAL?
EXCUSE ME,
DR. LOVE?
WOULD YOU AUTOGRAPH
MY GENITALS?
I TOOK 20 BUCKS
FROM MY MOM, RIGHT?
BUT SHE THOUGHT
IT WAS MY BROTHER.
SHE COMPLETELY
WENT NUTS ON HIM,
HIT HIM OVER THE HEAD
WITH A SPATULA.
I MEAN,
IT WAS HILARIOUS.
SOUNDS IT.
GOD! YOU BASTARD!
WHY'D YOU DO THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
GOD, WHAT ARE YOU,
LIT OR SOMETHING?
YOU KNOW? JEEZ!
I'M SORRY.
MELLOW OUT, ALL RIGHT?
YOU
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?
KNOW, NOW I GOTTA
WALK AROUND ALL DAY
WITH POP ON MY SHIRT.
YOU KNOW?
THANKS A LOT.
YEAH, YEAH.
I GET THESE WEIRD
URGES SOMETIMES.
I SHOULD PROBABLY
GOPOLOGIZE.
HEY.
HEY.
ARE YOU OK?
YEAH.
KOWCHEVSKI
SAYS IF I FLUNK
THIS TEST TOMORROW
I'LL HAVE TO
TAKE ALGEBRA AGAIN.
DO YOU THINK
YOU MIGHT FLUNK IT?
NO, I'M DEFINITELY
GONNA FLUNK IT.
DO YOU TAKE ALGEBRA?
UH, NO.
I TOOK IT LAST YEAR.
I TAKE TRIG.
YOU MUST
STUDY A LOT.
MATH ISN'T THIS BIG DEAL
THAT EVERYONE THINKS IT IS.
IT'S JUST A FEW BASIC
FORMULAS AND SOME SHORTCUTS,
AND THEN YOU
PLUG IN THE NUMBERS--
SHORTCUTS?
YOU MEAN,
LIKE, TRICKS?
YOU COULD
CALL THEM THAT.
YOU COULD DEFINITELY DO IT
IF YOU WANTED TO.
OH, YEAH, I KNOW.
I MEAN, IF I STUDY,
I COULD DO IT.
IT'S NOT LIKE
I'M A BUS DRIVER.
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW,
IT DOESN'T INTEREST ME.
IT'S SO LAME.
BUT DO YOU REALLY WANT
TO BE IN KOWCHEVSKI'S
CLASS AGAIN?
HELL, NO.
I'D RATHER
BE IN JAIL.
WELL, I COULD
HELP YOU STUDY.
IT COULD BE
KIND OF FUN.
SO THE GUY SAYS,
"HOW DO YOU THINK
I RANG THE DOORBELL?"
SO ITISFUNNY.
WHAT DOES
IT MEAN?
YOU GUYS ARE SO YOUNG.
YOU'RE ONLY A YEAR OLDER
THAN WE ARE.
YEAH, COME ON,
HARRIS,
WHAT DOES
IT MEAN?
Neal: HE DOESN'T
GET IT, EITHER.
OH, I GET IT.
THEN TELL US.
Harris:
I CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
'CAUSE THEN
YOU'D KNOW.
SO, THAT'S THE POINT,
ISN'T IT?
YOU HAVE TO FIND OUT
FOR YOURSELVES.
Sam:
THAT'S WHY
WE'RE ASKING.
I TOLD YOU.
HE DOESN'T KNOW.
IF I DIDN'T KNOW,
WOULD I BE WITH
JUDITH HERE?
OH, HARRIS,
YOU'RE SO BAD.
LOVE IS LIKE HOMEWORK.
YOU GOT TO STUDY
IF YOU WANT TO GET AN "A."
SO THEN THE GUY SAYS,
"HOW DO YOU THINK
I RANG THE DOORBELL?"
DO YOU
GET IT?
I DON'T.
DAD?
NO.
YOU KNOW
WHO'S FUNNY?
THAT RED BUTTONS.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHO COULD
THAT BE?
OH, THAT'S DANIEL.
HE'S A FRIEND
OF MINE FROM SCHOOL.
Harold:
I'LL GET THE DOOR.
IT'S DARK OUT,
AND YOU'RE A--A GIRL.
HI, IS, UH,
LINDSAY HERE?
YEAH.
OK, SO...HOW DO YOU
WANT TO DO THIS?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE NEVER DONE
THIS BEFORE.
OK, WELL,
IN YOUR TEXTBOOK...
DID YOU BRING
YOUR TEXTBOOK?
NO.
I PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE, HUH?
YEAH.
MAN...
SCREWED UP
ALREADY.
NO, IT'S OK.
I THINK I HAVE MINE
FROM LAST YEAR.
YOU KNOW
OH, GRT.
, THERE'S
THESE PRACTICE TESTS IN HERE,
AND THEY'RE
KIND OF HELPFUL.
JUST TALKING ABOUT
STUDYING MAKES ME
WANT TO TAKE A NAP.
HEY, WAIT,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT?
YOU CAN'T
SMOKE IN HERE.
I--I MEAN,
I DON'T CARE.
IT'S JUST,
MY PARENTS.
OH, RIGHT,
I--I'M SORRY.
I GOT AN IDEA.
I'LL GO OUTSIDE
AND SMOKE THIS,
BLAZE THROUGH THOSE
TRICKS OF YOURS.
WHAT YOU
GOT THERE?
UH, UM...
NOTHING.
NOTHING?
WHAT'S THAT?
LET ME SEE.
THESE TYPES OF BOOKS
JUST MAKE ME THINK
OF ALL THE CRAP
THAT CAN GO WRONG
INSIDE YOU.
WHY YOU
READING THIS?
I'M TAKING SEX ED
WITH MR. FREDRICKS.
HE EMBARRASSED ME
IN FRONT OF
THE WHOLE CLASS
JUST BECAUSE I'M
A LITTLE BIT BEHIND
WHEN IT COMES TO
THAT SORT OF STUFF.
YEAH, I KNOW
HOW THAT GOES.
YOU DO?
YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA LEARN
ANYTHING YOU CAN USE
FROM A BOOK LIKE THAT.
I'M NOT?
NO.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
I'LL FIND YOU
AT SCHOOL TOMORROW.
I'LL SET YOU UP.
WITH WHAT?
DON'T WORRY.
IT'S COOL.
SO, LET'S TRY
A DIFFERENT ONE.
HOW DO YOU SOLVE
THIS TYPE OF PROBLEM?
USE THE QUADRATIC
FORMULA?
EXACTLY.
AND WHAT IS
THE QUADRATIC FORMULA?
"X" EQUALS...
NEGATIVE "B,"
PLUS OR MINUS...
THE SQUARE ROOT--
LINDSAY...
WHEN YOU TOLD ME
YOU WERE GONNA
TEACH ME TRICKS,
I THOUGHT YOU MEANT,
LIKE, REAL TRICKS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
LIKE MAGIC TRICKS?
I MEAN
YEAH, WELL, SORT OF.
, RIGHT NOW
YOU'RE KIND OF JUST
TEACHING ME MATH.
WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU'RE
GONNA GET IT.
I KNOW, BUT I CAN'T
LEARN ALL THIS.
THE TEST
IS TOMORROW.
THERE'S NO WAY.
I--I DON
'T KNOW
WHAT ELSE TO DO.
I'LL BE COOL.
REALLY?
YEAH.
HEY, I'M SORRY
FOR WASTING YOUR TIME.
NO. YOU DIDN'T.
OH
OK.
, WANNA--
YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING?
WELL, I DON'T
THINK I CAN.
IT'S
A SCHOOL NIGHT
AND EVERYTHING.
ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE OK?
YEAH, FINE.
SEE YA.
GOOD LUCK.
SEE YA TOMORROW.
KICK THE THING'S
BUTT ANY DAY.
Sam: NO WAY! THE THING
COULD DEFINITELY
TAKE THE HULK.
EVEN IF THE HULK
COULD BEAT HIM,
ALL IT HAS TO DO
IS WAIT
TILL THE H
ULK
TURNS INTO
BILL BIXBY AGAIN
AND CREAM HIM,
NO PROBLEM.
YOU KNOW,
YOU'RE RIGHT.
HEY, WEIR.
COME HERE.
I GOT SOMETHING
YOU MIGHT BE
INTERESTED IN.
CHECK IT OUT,
BUT DON'T LOSE IT.
OK.
I WANT IT BACK.
ALL RIGHT.
RIGHT.
HEY, HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY, HEY.
DON'T OPEN IT
HERE, MAN.
I DON'T WANT IT
GETTING CONFISCATED,
KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING?
OK.
ALL RIGHT.
CONFISCATED?
COME ON,
LET'S GO.
[DRUMMING
ON LOCKER]
HEY, CHUMP.
I NEED YOUR HELP.
COME HERE.
I NEED T
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT.
O GET
SOMETHING OUT OF
THIS CLASSROOM.
IF YOU SEE
KOWCHEVSKI COMING,
YOU JUST BANG
ON THIS DOOR,
ALL RIGHT?
HEY, DON'T
SCREW ME OVER.
LOOK ALIVE.
I'M ALIVE, MAN.
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO HIT ME.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE OUT
IN A SECOND.
HEY, NICK,
WHAT'S UP?
OH, HEY,
WHAT'S UP, SARA?
DID YOU HEAR THAT
DANIELLE AND I
WERE GONNA SING
SUPER TROUPER
AT THE TALENT SHOW?
YEAH, WE
OH, YEAH?
'RE GONNA
DRESS UP LIKE ABBA.
WOW.
ABBA, HUH?
MM-HMM.
THEY'RE FROM...
SWITZERLAND, RIGHT?
NO, I THINK
THEY'RE FROM
SWEDEN, ACTUALLY.
[DRUMMING]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M, UH...
THINKING ABOUT ABBA.
YEAH, I'LL TALK
TO YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, UH,
TALK TO YOU LATER.
I THINK I'M GETTING
A WART ON MY WRIST.
JESUS, MAN,
THIS ALGEBRA TEST
IS CRAZY.
WHAT LANGUAGE
IS THIS?
HOW DO YOU GET RID
OF A WART?
HEY. I'M TRYING
TO THINK HERE, OK?
I'M SORRY, MAN.
IT LOOKS LIKE SOME KIND
OF MOVIE OR SOMETHING.
LET ME SEE THAT.
LET ME SEE IT.
HANG ON.
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S A NAKED WOMAN.
WHAT'S SHE DOING?
WHO CARES WHAT
SHE'S DOING?
SHE'S NAKED.
IT'S A DIRTY MOVIE.
YOU MEAN,
LIKE A PORNO?
OH! EWW! GIVE ME THAT.
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO WITH A PORNO?
YOU WATCH IT...
OVER AND OVER.
EWW!
ONLY PERVE
RTS
WATCH PORNOS, RIGHT?
WELL, THEN EVERY GUY
IN AMERICA IS A PERVERT.
THE MEANING OF THAT JOKE
IS RIGHT HERE.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO WATCH IT?
I DON'T EVEN HAVE
A PROJECTOR.
WELL, I DO.
GIVE IT TO ME.
AFTER SCHOOL TODAY,
WE GO TO MY HOUSE,
AND WE WATCH
THIS MOVIE
FROM BEGINNING
TO END.
AGREED?
OK.
HEY.
I GANKED THE TEST.
WAIT. WHAT?
I STOLE IT FROM
KOWCHEVSKI'S OFFICE.
HE'S GOT NO CLUE.
I NEED YOUR HELP.
I CAN'T FIGURE
ANY OF THIS OUT.
[STAMMERING]
I CAN'T.
SURE, YOU CAN.
THIS STUFF'S
EASY FOR YOU.
NO, I MEAN...
I SHOULDN'T.
WHY NOT?
HEY.
HEY.
DON'T WORRY.
I'M NOT GONNA BE
HITTING YOU UP
EVERY TIME
I HAVE A MATH TEST.
I PROMISE.
SO FOR THIS ONE...
LOOK, I DON'T MEAN
TO BE UPTIGHT,
BUT IT'S JUST...
WHY DON'T I TALK
TO KOWCHEVSKI?
WHAT? WHY?
I'LL ASK HIM
FOR AN EXTENSION.
HE GAVE ME ONE ONCE.
HE LIKES ME.
I'LL TELL HIM
I'M TUTORING YOU
AND THAT YOU'RE GETTING
THE HANG OF IT,
BUT YOU JUST NEED
A LITTLE MORE TIME.
WOULDN'T IT JUST BE EASIER
TO FILL OUT THIS TEST?
LET ME TALK TO HIM, OK?
FORGET IT.
THAT DIRTBAG'S NOT GONNA
GET AN EXTENSION.
BUT, MR. KOWCHEVSKI,
I WAS WORKING
WITH HIM LAST NIGHT,
AND HE'S REALLY LEARNING.
DANIEL'S
THE KIND OF STUDENT
WHO NEEDS MORE ATTENTION,
YOU KNOW?
NO. DANIEL'S THE KIND
OF STUDENT
WHO NEEDS TO JUST
DISAPPEAR.
EXCUSE ME?
LOOK, HE WASTES MY TIME.
HE WASTES CLASS TIME.
AND NOW HE'S WASTING
YOUR TIME.
WELL, NO, HE'S NOT WASTING
ANYBODY'S TIME.
I MEAN...CE ON,
ISN'T IT YOUR JOB
TO TEACH HIM?
LINDSAY...
I KNOW DANIEL IS CUTE
WITH HIS BEDROOM EYES
AND HIS STRINGY HAIR,
BUT HE'S A LOSER.
AND LOSERS
PULL DOWN WINNERS.
NOW...
YOU'RE A SMART GIRL.
DON'T LET YOUR HORMONES
GET IN THE WAY.
EXCUSE ME.
WHERE'S THAT TEST?
IN MY JACKET.
LET'S GO.
OK
. 74 TIMES 23--
PUT THAT IN PARENTHESES.
AND X EQUALS 19Y,
AND Y EQUALS 8.
DAMN, IT'S WEIRD YOU CAN
DO THIS IN YOUR HEAD.
LIKE A BRAINC
OR SOMETHING.
THANKS.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
KOWCHEVSKI'S FACE
WHEN HE HANDS THIS
BACK TO ME.
THIS WILL BLOW HIS MIND.
YEAH, BUT, DANIEL,
THIS ISN'T OVER, RIGHT?
I'M GONNA TUTOR YOU,
AND YOU WON'T HAVE
TO STEAL ANY MORE TESTS.
NO. YEAH. I KNOW.
NO. I KNOW.
I'M GONNA BE, LIKE,
A GUY WITH ONE OF
THOSE THINGS.
AN ABACUS?
YEAH.
7Y4X EQUALS 9...
[LAUGHS]
Kowchevski:
COME ON, PEOPLE.
THIS IS JUST A TEST,
NOT A DEATH SENTENCE.
IF YOU'RE PREPARED,
YOU GOT NOTHIN'
TO WORRY ABOUT.
LINDSAY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
TURNS OUT
YOUR FRIEND DANIEL
DIDN'T NEED THAT
EXTENSION AFTER ALL.
HE GOT AN "A"
ON THE ALGEBRA TEST.
YEAH, WELL, I TOLD YOU
I HELPED HIM STUDY.
DID YOU
HELP HIM CHEAT?
NO.
I'VE GOT
AN ANONYMOUS NOTE
THAT SAYS YOU DID.
WELL, I DIDN'T.
I DIDN'T CHEAT.
I THINK YOU DID.
WE'LL DEAL WITH THIS
TOMORROW.
YOU'RE IN A LOT
OF TROUBLE,
YOUNG LADY.
WHY WERE YOU TALKING
TO MR. KOWCHEVSKI?
HUH?
ARE YOU JOINING
THE MATHLETES AGAIN?
NO.
JEEZ.
SORRY I ASKED.
YOU HAVE
POPCORN?
BILL, THIS IS A PORNO.
YOU DON'T EAT POPCORN
DURING A PORNO.
THIS IS TAKING FOREVER.
YEAH. COULD'VE MADE
OUR OWN PORNO BY NOW.
HEY, DO YOU WANT
THE PROJECTOR
TO EAT THE FILM
AND HAVE THAT
DANIEL GUY KILL YOU?
'CAUSE, I MEAN,
WE CAN DO THAT, TOO.
ALL RIGHT. THERE.
KILL THE LIGHTS.
AYE, AYE, SIR.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
HERE WE GO.
WOW.
HO
HELLO.
W'D YOU LIKE TO
COME HOME TO THAT
EVERY NIGHT?
WOW.
HE'S IN
GOOD SHAPE.
OY!
Bill:
OH, MY GOD.
UH...
THIS IS...WEIRD.
WOW.
THAT GUY'S GOT THE BEST
JOB IN THE WORLD.
HEY, YOU THINK THERE'S
ANY SHORT PORN STARS?
I'M SO DEAD.
WHAT DID YOU TELL
KOWCHEVSKI?
NOTHING.
DID YOU TELL HIM
THAT WE CHEATED?
NO.
HE COULD SEE IT
ALL OVER MY FACE.
THEN IT'S NOT OVER.
ANONYMOUS NOTE?
THAT MEANS NOTHING.
GET IN.
AS LONG AS WE DON'T,
YOU KNOW, ADMIT IT,
THEY GOT JACK ON US.
YOU WANT TO DENY IT?
YEAH, DEFINITELY.
DANIEL, I DON'T--
LISTEN, LINDSAY.
YOU'RE GOOD AT MATH.
I'M GOOD AT THIS
SORT OF THING.
AND WHEN SOMETHING
LIKE THIS HAPPENS,
YOU DENY EVERYTHING.
BUT I'M NOT A GOOD LIAR.
LINDSAY, I GOT YOU
INTO THIS.
I'M GONNA GET YOU
OUT OF THIS.
BUT YOU GOTTA TRUST ME.
WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER.
SO, YOU WANT ME
TO THREAD IT UP AGAIN?
I'M GOIN' HOME.
ARE WE GONNA GO
TO HELL FOR THIS?
I DON'T WANNA
GO TO HELL.
HEY, SAM.
YOU HARDLY TOUCHED
YOUR CHICKEN LA KING.
AREN'T YOU HUNGRY?
HUH?
UH, NO.
I HAD A REALLY BIG...
SNACK AT NEAL'S.
AFTER SCHOOL.
MAY I BE EXCUSED?
OK. BUT WE'RE HAVING
CHOCOLATE COCONUT
SQUARES FOR DESSERT.
UH...
MAYBE LATER.
ALL RIGHT, SWEETIE.
Harold: OF COURSE.
HE'S AT THAT STAGE.
YES, I UNDERSTAND
TOTALLY.
ALL RIGHT. GOOD-BYE.
YOU WENT THROUGH THAT.
YOU WOULDN'T
EAT A THING.
THAT WAS MR. KOWCHEVSKI
ON THE PHONE.
APPARENTLY, MY DAUGHTER
IS NOW A CHEATER.
SH
WHAT?
E CHEATED
ON A MATH TEST.
NOW SHE'S FACING
SUSPENSION.
MY AUNT SALLY.
LINDSAY!
IT'S NOT TRUE.
YOU'RE A GOOD STUDENT.
DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU WOULD CHEAT.
WELL, SHE'S HANGING AROUND
WITH THE WRONG CROWD.
THEY'RE LYING AND CHEATING,
AND, NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
SHE'S PATTY HEARST,
AND SHE'S GOT A GUN
TO OUR HEAD.
DAD, I JUST TOLD YOU
IT'S NOT TRUE.
MAYBE I DON'T
BELIEVE YOU.
YOU DON'T EVEN ASK ME
MY SIDE OF THE STORY?
YOU JUST JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS
AND START YELLING AT ME?
GOD, THAT IS SO SICK.
YOU KNOW...FINE.
BELIEVE WHAT
YOU WANNA BELIEVE.
I DON'T EVEN CARE.
WHATEVER.
YOU KNOW, THANKS
FOR ALL THE SUPPORT.
[DOOR SLAMS]
SO THEN THE GUY
SAYS TO HER,
"HOW DO YOU THINK
I RANG THE DOORBELL?"
[LAUGHTER]
IT
'S A PRETTY GOOD ONE, HUH?
LINDSAY.
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
SOME OF THE MATHLETES
HAVE BEEN SAYING THINGS...
ABOUT YOU.
YEAH? LIKE WHAT?
THERE'S A RUMOR
GOING AROUND...
THAT YOU CHEATED
ON A MATH TEST.
I TOLD THEM
THAT'S IMPOSBLE.
EVEN THOUGH LINDSAY'S
NOT A MATHLETE ANYMORE,
SHE WOULD NEVER BREAK
THE LEAGUE'S CODE OF HONOR.
YEAH? WELL,
GUESS WHAT, MILLIE?
I DID CHEAT.
I LIED
AND I CHEATED,
AND THEN I LIED
SOME MORE.
[LAUGHING]
YOU'RE FUNNY, LINDSAY.
I KNEW IT WASN'T TRUE.
[SIGH]
SO...
ANYONE SEE
DUKES OF HAZZARD
LAST NIGHT?
YEAH.
IT WAS A GOOD ONE.
YEAH. BOSS HOGG
IS REALLY FUNNY.
Cindy: WHAT'S GOIN' ON,
GUYS?
ALL RIGHT, I'LL
SEE YOU LATER. BYE.
HEY, SAM.
UH...WHAT DO YOU WANT?
UM, WELL, I WAS
JUST WONDERING
IF YOU COULD
HELP ME OUT WITH
THE ICE CREAM BOOTH
'CAUSE BETSY CAN'T
MAKE IT TO THE CARNIVAL.
UH, WELL, IT TURNS OUT THAT
I CAN'T MAKE IT, EITHER.
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
UM, I'M A LITTLE BUSY
RIGHT NOW.
SO...
YEAH, OK. SURE.
UH, I'LL SEE YOU
LATER.
WASN'T THAT GREAT
WHEN THE DUKES
HANDCUFFED ROSCOE,
ENOS, AND BOSS HOGG
TOGETHER?
THAT WAS...REALLY FUNNY.
IS THERE ANYTHING
YOU WANT TO TELL ME
BEFORE THE MEETING
THIS AFTERNOON?
JUST...
I DIDN'T CHEAT.
YOU KNOW...
SOMETHING LIKE THIS
HAPPENED TO ME
WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.
GOT A MINUTE?
I GUESS.
I FELT BAD
FOR THIS KID.
BRUCE CONFORTI.
SO I'D KINDA "HELP" HIM
ON BIOLOGY TESTS.
OK, WE CHEATED.
BUT AFTER A WHILE,
I REALIZED HE WAS THE ONE
BEING CHEATED,
OUT OF SOMETHING
PRICELESS--
KNOWLEDGE.
SO ONE DAY,
I JUST TOLD HIM,
I'M NOT GONNA
DO THAT ANYMORE.
AND--
HE STUDIED AND HE GOT
ALL As HIS OWN.
CLOSE. HE BEAT
THE LIVING CRAP OUTTA ME.
AND WHEN I SAY, BEAT
THE LIVING CRAP OUTTA ME,
I MEAN, THE LIVING CRAP.
ALL I DID WAS
HELP DANIEL STUDY.
OK. I TRUST YOU.
HEY, KIM.
WHERE'S DANIEL?
I DON'T KNOW.
BEATS ME.
WE HAVE A DISCIPLINARY
MEETING AFTER SCHOOL.
UGH.
YOU NERVOUS?
YOU KNOW,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
DANIEL GETS OUT OF
STUFF LIKE THIS
ALL THE TIME.
WELL, I SHOULDN'T
FEEL BAD, RIGHT?
I MEAN, KOWCHEVSKI
IS A JERK,
AND I'M GONNA
TUTOR DANIEL,
AND HE'LL
PASS THE CLASS.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA
WORK OUT, RIGHT?
[LAUGHING]
I'M SORRY.
YOU THINK THAT
YOU AND DANIEL
ARE GONNA BE, LIKE,
STUDY BUDDIES?
HE WANTS TO LEARN.
AND WHAT ABOUT
THE NEXT TEST?
HE'LL JUST GET THE ANSWERS
FROM SOMEBODY ELSE.
HE ALWAYS DOES.
AH!
HEY.
HEY.
YOU READY TO STICK IT
TO THE MAN?
PARTNERS IN CRIME?
GIVE ME FIVE.
HEY, DON'T
LEAVE ME HANGIN'.
ALL RIGHT.
OW!
HI.
ANOTHER TH
ING THEY DO
IS THE OLD COP TRICK.
THEY'LL GET YOU ALONE,
AND THEY'LL TELL YOU
I CONFESSED.
BUT DON'T BELIEVE 'EM.
I'LL NEVER CONFESS, OK?
WELL, I'M GOING TO.
I CAN'T KEEP LYING.
WHAT I
WHAT? WHY NOT?
S THIS, SOME KIND
OF GAME TO YOU?
YOU ALREADY
GOT ME TO CHEAT
AND TO LIE TO MY PARENTS
AND TO MR. ROSSO.
I MEAN--
I KNOW, BUT...
WHY STOP NOW?
WE'RE ALMOST HOME FREE.
ALL RIGHT. LINDSAY.
LINDSAY, I UNDERSTAND.
YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR GRADES
AND YOUR TRANSCRIPT.
BUT IF YOU GET SUSPENDED,
IT GOES ON YOUR TRANSCRIPT.
THEN YOU REALLY WILL
BE SCREWED.
YOU'RE MANIPULATING ME
WHAT?
YOU'RE MANIPULATING ME.
NO, I'M NOT.
AN
YES, YOU ARE.
D, YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY
HARD TO SAY NO TO YOU,
I'
BUT I HAVE TO.
M SORRY. I CAN'T GO
IN THERE AND LIE.
I'M NOT GOING TO.
OK, FINE.
DON'T LIE.
WHAT?
NO, LET'S GO IN THERE,
AND WE'LL TELL 'EM
WHAT WE DID.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
YOU'LL GET A NICE SLAP
ON THE WRIST,
AND I'LL GET, WHAT,
SUSPENDED? EXPELLED?
THAT IS NOT FAIR,
DANIEL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
I WANT TO BE TERRIBLE
AT SCHOOL?
YOU THINK I LIKE IT?
I WISH I WAS
AS SMART AS YOU.
I WISH IT ALL CAME
EASY TO ME.
BUT IT DOESN'T.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS...
WHEN I WAS IN SIXTH GRADE,
THEY TOLD US WHEN WE GOT
TO JUNIOR HIGH,
WE'D BE EITHER IN TRACK ONE,
TRACK 2, OR TRACK 3.
TRACK ONE'S
THE SMART KIDS,
TRACK 2'S
THE NORMAL KIDS,
TRACK 3
IS THE DUMB KIDS.
AND WHAT DO YOU THINK
I GOT?
HOW DO YOU THINK
IT FEELS...
TO BE TOLD YOU'RE DUMB...
WHEN YOU'RE
11 YEARS OLD?
YOU ARE NOT DUMB.
I JUST WANTED
TO PROVE HIM WRONG...
JUST ONCE...
EVEN IF I AM CHEATING.
"IF A PREGNANT WOMAN
HAS SEX,
CAN THE BABY GET...
POKED?"
HEY. HEY. HYENAS!
CAN I GET THROUGH
ONE QUESTION
WITHOUT YOU GUYS GETTIN'
HYSTERICAL ON ME?
COME ON. UH...LISTEN,
SEX IS PERFECTLY SAFE
FOR THE FETUS.
IT'S, UH,
IT'S NOT GONNA COME OUT
WITH DENTS ON ITS HEAD
LIKE A GOLF BALL
OR SOMETHIN'.
I MEAN, DELLAGE GOT POKED
IN THE EYE.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M KIDD'.
KIDDIN', DELLAGE.
[BELL RINGS]
LISTEN.
CHAPTER 13
IN THE TEXT TOMORROW
FOR A POP QUIZ.
WHOOP! YOU DIDN'T
HEAR IT FROM ME.
HEY, UH, SAM? SAM?
CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A MINUTE?
IN MY OFFICE?
SURE.
WHEN I WAS GOIN'
THROUGH THESE QUESTIONS,
I WAS A LITTLE
DISTURBED BY YOURS.
HOW DID YOU KNOW
WHICH ONE WAS MINE?
I THOUGHT...I THOUGHT
IT WAS ANONYMOUS.
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE
WITHSTAR TREK
NOTEBOOK PAPER.
OH.
WHERE'D YOU FIND OUT
ABOUT THIS..."ACTIVITY"?
UH...
I SAW A MOVIE.
OK. I SEE. UM...
WELL, YOU KNOW...
IN MOVIES LIKE THAT...
THEY--THEY SENSATIONALIZE
CERTAIN THINGS...
BUT IN REALITY,
THOSE THINGS
DON'T USUALLY HAPPEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M TRYIN' TO SAY?
ALL RIGHT. I'M GONNA
TELL YOU THE TRUTH.
PLAIN LANGUAGE.
BUT LISTEN,
YOU CAN'T TELL ANYBODY
WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION.
YOUR PERMISSION SLIP
FOR SEX ED DOESN'T
COVER THIS STUFF.
I COULD GET IN A LOT
OF TROUBLE FOR WHAT
I'M GONNA TELL YOU.
ALL RIGHT?
OK.
FAIR ENOUGH.
UM...
CERTAIN MEN...
UH, NOT ME...
[MUSIC FADES IN
COVERING CONVERSATION]
HUH? TORTURE OVER.
WE'RE DONE.
BUT JUST...JUST...
I MEAN,
THOSE MOVIES...
IT'S NOT REALITY.
OK? IF IT WAS REALITY,
I'D BE FREAKED OUT
MYSELF.
YEAH
OK?
. UH...THANK YOU,
MR. FREDRICKS.
NO PROBLEM.
ALL RIGHT. GET
OUTTA HERE, COWBOY.
UH...I--I HAVE
JUST ONE MORE QUESTION.
WHAT IS IT?
UH, COULD YOU EXPLAIN
THIS JOKE TO ME?
SO, THERE'S THIS GUY
WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS...
HEY.
IF YOU WANT TO TELL
THE TRUTH, IT'S COOL.
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
NO. DANIEL, LET'S
JUST STICK TO OUR STORY.
OK.
WHEN WE GET IN THERE...
LET ME HANDLE IT. OK?
WELL, I'M CHEESED OFF
RIGHT NOW, AND I DON'T CARE.
HI. WE'R
E
LINDSAY WEIR'S PARENTS.
UH, MOM...DAD.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
OH...HONEY, WE...
WE FELT TERRIBLE
ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN
TRUTHFUL WITH US,
SO WE NEVER
SHOULD'VE DOUBTED YOU.
NOBODY FALSELY
ACCUSES MY DAUGHTER!
HONEY. SHH.
IT'S OK. I MEAN,
IT HAPPENS.
NOT TO MEMBERS
OF THIS FAMILY,
IT DOESN'T!
I WANT
SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.
TO GIVE
THIS KOWCHEVSKI JOKER
A PIECE OF MY MIND.
Jean: YOUR FATHER
EVEN CLOSED THE STORE.
NOW, LET'S BE PATIENT,
TRY AND HEAR EVERYONE OUT,
BE A TEAM.
WE DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW
THAT ANYONE CHEATED.
I DO.
WELL, FINE.
UNFORTUNATELY, AN ANONYMOUS NOTE
ISN'T SUFFICIENT PROOF.
THERE IS NO NOTE.
THERE'S NO NOTE?
NO. I USE THIS
AS A PLOY SOMETIMES
TO GET A CONFESSION.
HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO HAVE
REAL RELATIONSHIPS
WITH THESE KIDS
IF YOU'RE LYING TO THEM?
LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING.
I KNEW KIDS LIKE
DESARIO IN VIETNAM.
THOSE WERE
THE KIND OF KIDS[CHEERFULLY]
EVERYONE'S HERE.
AND IF SHE SAYS
SHE DIDN'T HELP
THIS KID CHEAT,
THEN SHE DIDN'T!
SHE TUTORED HIM,
AND IT WORKED.
YEAH. YOU SHOULDN'T
BE PUNISHING HER.
YOU SHOULD BE PAYING HER
FOR DOING YOUR JOB.
MR. WEIR...UH, HAROLD,
IT'S RECENTLY COME
TO MY ATTENTION
THAT THERE WAS
NO ANONYMOUS NOTE WRITTEN.
THERE WAS NO NOTE?
NO. IT WAS A FRAUD.
I--I APOLOGIZE.
SEE? I TOLD YOU.
BUT WE'RE STILL
NOT ENTIRELY CONVINCED
THESE TWO DIDN'T CHEAT.
SO YOU WANT TO PUNISH
MY DAUGHTER, BUT YOU
HAVE NO PROOF.
LOOK, MR. WEIR,
IT SHOULD'VE NEVER
COME TO THIS.
I'VE TALKED TO LINDSAY.
I KNOW SHE DIDN'T
DO ANYTHING.
DAEL, DID YOU...
CHEAT ON THIS TEST?
NO.
GOOD. THEN
I'M SATISFIED.
YOU'RESATISFIED?
I'MNOT SATISFIED.
GIVE IT UP, FRANK.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
I TOOK OFF WORK
FOR THIS?
I APOLOGIZE
FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.
NO, NO, NO.
HOLD ON A SECOND.
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
I HAVE
THE ALGEBRA TEST
THAT DANIEL TOOK.
IF HE CAN DO
THE FIRST PROBLEM,
I WILL NOT
ONLY GET DOWN
ON MY HANDS AND KNEES
AND BEG EVERYONE
IN THIS ROOM
FOR FORGIVENESS...
BUT I'LL QUIT.
I WILL RESIGN.
I'LL NEVER TEACH AGAIN.
THAT'D BE A START.
I ALREADY TOOK THE TEST.
YOU CAN'T
MAKE ME TAKE IAGAIN.
YES, I CAN.
COME ON, DANIEL.
ONE PROBLEM...
AND THIS ALL
GOES AWAY.
COME ON, SON.
Rosso:
GO AHEAD, DANIEL.
OK.
JUST NEED TO USE
THE QUADRATIC FORMULA.
SEE?
LOOK AT HIM GO.
HEY, SAM.
OH. HI, CINDY.
I'M SORRY
IF I WAS ACTING...
WEIRD...AT LUNCH.
WERE YOU ACTING WEIRD?
[CHUCKLES]
WELL...ANYWAYS...
UH...IT TURNS OUT
THAT ICANGO
TO THE CARNIVAL.
SO, I MEAN,
IF YOU DON'T--
IF YOU STILL DON'T
HAVE A SCOOPER,
I'M AVAILABLE.
WELL, JEANINE ALREADY SAID
THAT SHE WAS GONNA.
OK.
BUT, HEY, WE CAN ALWAYS
USE ANOTHER SCOOPER.
AND, LOOK. GRAB A BRUSH.
THANK YOU.
SO, WHAT TIME
SHOULD I BE THERE?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
IT STARTS AT, LIKE, NOON,
SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD
COME AT 11:00.
A.M.?
P.M.?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Cindy: 12 NOON.
OHHH...
[JEAN AND HAROLD
WHISPERING]
HE'S GOT A PROBLEM.
THAT'S ALL.
WHATISTHAT?
THAT...IS A STUDENT
THAT MR. ROSSO
BELIEVES IN.
UH, LED ZEPPELIN
IS ACTUALLY THE NAME
OF A POPULAR
ROCK BAND.
I KNOW WHO
LED ZEPPELIN IS!
WHAT THE HELL'S
GOIN' ON HERE?
ARE YOU KIDDING US
WITH THIS CRAP?
LINDSAY,
YOU LIED TO US?
MOM, I DIDN'T--
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW MUCH MONEY I'M LOSING?
LOOK, DON'T BLAME
LINDSAY.
IT'S NOT HER FAULT.
IT'S MINE.
SHE WAS JUST TRYIN'
TO HELP ME.
WH
NOBODY
ELSE EVER DOES.
AT DO YOU THINK,
I WANT TO BE
TERRIBLE AT SCHOOL?
YOU THINK I LIKE IT?
I WISH I WAS SMART,
YOU KNOW?
I WISH IT ALL
CAME EASY TO ME,
BUT IT DOESN'T.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS
IN SIXTH GRADE,
THEY TOLD US WHEN
WE GOT TO JUNIOR HIGH,
WE'D BE
EITHER IN TRACK ONE,
TRACK 2, OR TRACK 3.
TRACK ONE'S
THE SMART KIDS,
TRACK 2'S
THE NORMAL KIDS,
TRACK 3'S
THE DUMB KIDS.
AND WHAT DO YOU
THINK I GOT?
HOW DO YOU THINK
IT FEELS TO BE TOLD
THAT YOU'RE DUMB
IN INK WHEN YOU'RE
11 YEARS OLD?
I MEAN...WHERE
ARE YOU SUPPOSED
TO GO FROM THERE?
HA HA HA HA HA!
[STILL LAUGHING]
BE COOL.
LOOK. SHE'S AS HIGH
AS A KITE!
MY DAUGHTER
IS NOT HIGH!
HAROLD,
WHAT IS GOING ON?
I--I THINKS IT'S
A NERVOUS REACTION.
Harold: I DON'T
KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING.
TENSE SITUATION.
I DON'T--
HA HA HA HA HA!
TRACK 3!
LINDSAY,
WHAT'S GOING ON?!
WILL YOU...
STOP LAUGHING?
Jean: YOU STARTED
ALL THIS.
Harold: NO, I DID NOT
START ALL THIS!
Harold: THIS
Jean: YES, YOU DID.
SCHOOL
IS THE WRONG SCHOOL
FOR MY DAUGHTER!
Kowchevski: I ASKED HIM
TO DO ONE QUESTION.
HE COULD NOT EVEN DO
ONE QUESTION.
Harold: SHE'S
A TRACK ONE GIRL!
DR