Freaks and Geeks (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 2 - Beers and Weirs - full transcript

Jean: HEY, LINDSAY,
HOW'D YOU LIKE

TO GO BUY
SOME NEW CLOTHES
AT THE MALL?

THOSE OLD JEANS
ARE LOOKING
PRETTY RAGGED.

NO, THANKS, MOM.
I LIKE MY JEANS.

DAD'S THE ONE
WHO CAN USE SOME PANTS.

WHO AM I TRYING
TO IMPRESS?

WHEN ITS YOUR HOUSE,
YOU CAN WEAR A TUXEDO
TO BREAKFAST.

HONEY, I CALLED
MRS. AMENDELLA.

SHE'S GONNA STAY
WITH YOU KIDS

WHILE DADDY AND I
ARE IN CHICAGO.

MOM, NO.
WE DON'T NEED
A BABY-SITTER.



I CAN TAKE CARE
OF SAM.

I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

OH, YEAH,
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

I CAN JUST SEE YOU GUYS
EATING CANDY FOR BREAKFAST

AND DRAWING PICTURES
ON THE WALLS.

HOW OLD DO YOU THINK
WE ARE, DAD?

I'VE BEEN BABY-SITTING
FOR THE KELLERS
FOR 2 YEARS ALREADY.

YEAH, BUT THAT'S
FOR THEIR KIDS.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THEY ARE

A LITTLE OLD
FOR A BABY-SITTER.

MAYBE THEY'RE READY,
HONEY.

WELL, FINE.

MRS. AMENDELLA
MAKES THE HOUSE SMELL
LIKE AN OLD LADY ANYWAY.

[LAUGHS] I HEAR
PETER LEMENGELLO



IS PLAYING
THE CLOSING NIGHT
GALA.

MM-MMM, PAUL ANKA.

OOH, PAUL ANKA.
CAN I COME?

YEAH, I GUESS YOU'D PREFER
IF WE LISTEN

TO THAT PUNK ROCK MUSIC
I'VE BEEN READING ABOUT.

YOU KNOW THOSE SEX PISTOLS?
THEY SPIT ON THEIR AUDIENCE.

AH, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

YEP, THAT'S WHAT
I WANT TO DO.

SPEND MY HARD-EARNED MONEY
TO BE SPIT ON.

NOW THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.

OH, COME ON, DAD.

EVERY GENERATION IS AFRAID
OF THE MUSIC THAT COMES
FROM THE NEXT.

WELL, I'M SURE
YOUR PARENTS HATED ELVIS.

ELVIS DIDN'T EXPECTORATE
ON HIS FANS.

NO, BUT HE DIED
ON THE TOILET.

WELL, THAT'S PARADISE COMPARED
TO WHERE THOSE SEX PISTOLS
ARE GONNA END UP.

WELL, THAT'S PARADISE COMPARED
TO WHERE THOSE SEX PISTOLS
ARE GONNA END UP.

dd I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
ABOUT MY REPUTATION dd

dd LIVING IN THE PAST,
IT'S A NEW GENERATION dd

dd GO AND DO
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO dd

dd AND THAT'S
WHAT I'M GONNA DO dd

dd AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
ABOUT MY BAD REPUTATION dd

dd OH, NO dd
dd NO, NO, NO, NO dd

dd NOT ME dd
dd ME, ME, ME, ME d
d

dd WOW dd
dd NO, NO, NO, NO dd

dd YEAH, ME dd
dd ME, ME, ME, ME, ME dd

dd I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
ABOUT MY REPUTATION dd

dd I'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID
OF ANY DEVIATION dd

dd AND I DON'T REALLY CARE
IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE dd

dd I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE dd

dd AND I'M NEVER GONNA CARE
ABOUT MY BAD REPUTATION dd

dd NOT ME dd

dd NOT ME dd

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.L.C.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.L.C.

HEY, LINDSAY.

HEY.

HEY.

HEY, NICK.

OH, HEY. WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

UM, JOHN BONHAM DIED,
YOU KNOW.

YEAH, I KNOW.
LAST WEEK.

YEAH, I KNOW.
LAST WEEK.

HE'S DEAD.
YOU KNOW, IT'S
LIKE, HE'S DEAD.

AND AS A RESULT,
THERE'S NO MORE
LED ZEPPELIN.

WELL, WHY DON'T THEY JUST
GET A NEW DRUMMER?

WHAT, ARE YOU...?

LET'S JUST FORGET IT.

LET'S JUST FORGET IT.

NO. WHAT YOU GOT TO DO
IS LOOK FOR SOMETHING
IN THE STORE

THAT'S EXPENSIVE BUT
LOOKS REALLY CHEAP.

AND THEN YOU SWITCH
PRICE TAGS

WITH SOMETHING THAT
IS REALLY CHEAP.

THEN YOU GOTTA
PUT THE ORIGINAL
BACK ON IT

AND RETURN IT
FOR STORE CREDIT.

THAT'S HOW I GOT
THIS JACKET.

10 BUCKS THIS THING
COST ME.

OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
CLEARLY WORTH
ALL THE EFFORT.

[CHUCKLES]

MY DAD CAUGHT
A SHOPLIFTER ONCE.

AND HE HAD TO LOCK HIM
IN THE STORE, AND THEN
THE COPS CAME.

AND HE HAD TO LOCK HIM
IN THE STORE, AND THEN
THE COPS CAME.

WELL, MY DAD SAYS
SHOPLIFTERS COST HIM
A FORTUNE.

HEY, IF I OWNED
YOUR STORE,

I CAUGHT
SOME LITTLE KID
SHOPLIFTING,

I'D JUST TAKE HIM
OUT BACK,

AND I'D DEAL
WITH IT.

OH, WOULD YOU,
MR. TOUGH MAN?

YEAH, I WOULD,
MRS. TOUGH MAN.

[LAUGHS] OH, LIKE THAT
TIME WHEN JOHN ERGNER
KICKED YOUR ASS?

LIKE--LIKE THAT?

DO YOU MIND
FLAPPING YOUR LIPS
SOMEWHERE ELSE?

YOU SMELL.

HEY, WHAT, DID YOU GUYS
BREAK UP OR SOMETHING?

NO, WE DIDN'T BREAK UP.

I DUMPED HIS LOSER ASS.

OH, IS THAT
WHAT HAPPENED?

OK, IF IT MAKES YOU
FEEL BETTER.

OK, IF IT MAKES YOU
FEEL BETTER.

[MUMBLING]
DO YOU GUYS WANNA--

HEY, DOES ANYBODY
WANT TO COME SEE
THE WALLWITH ME

ON SATURDAY NIGHT?
THOUGHT I MIGHT TRY
AN EXPERIMENT,

SEE IT STRAIGHT
ONCE. I DON'T KNOW.

DON'T DO IT.
YOU'LL REGRET IT, MAN.
TRUST ME.

WELL, I WOULD,
BUT MY PARENTS ARE
GOING OUT OF TOWN,

AND I HAVE TO WATCH
MY LITTLE BROTHER.

AND I HAVE TO WATCH
MY LITTLE BROTHER.

UH, MAYBE WE COULD ALL
HANG OUT AT YOUR HOUSE.

[LIGHT VOICE]
KEGGER.

KEGGER,
[FAKES COUGH] KEGGER.

[KIM LAUGHS]

YOU MEAN LIKE A PARTY?

YEAH, RIGHT.

LINDSAY'S TOO LAME
TO LET ANYONE ENTER

HER PRECIOUS
LITTLE HOUSE.

HER PRECIOUS
LITTLE HOUSE.

SURE. WHY NOT?

[LAUGHS]

I LIKE PARTIES.

GREAT. WHO'S
THE TOO-LAME ONE?

[SIGH] UP YOURS.

[SIGH] UP YOURS.

BYE.

OK, GUYS,
10 BUCKS EACH FOR THE KEG.

COME ON. YOU, TOO.

NO, LINDSAY,
LINDSAY, PLEASE.

HOUSE DRINKS FREE.

HOUSE DRINKS FREE.

WHY DOES SHE HANG OUT
WITH THOSE GUYS?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHY DON'T YOU
GO OVER THERE
AND ASK HER?

THEY'RE GONNA
RUIN HER LIFE.

IF YOU DON'T CARE
ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL,

THEN YOU WON'T GET
INTO A GOOD COLLEGE,

THEN YOU'LL HAVE
NO FUTURE,

AND YOU'LL WIND UP
DEAD OR IN JAIL.

REALLY?

WERE YOU ASLEEP DURING
SCARED STRAIGHT?

WERE YOU ASLEEP DURING
SCARED STRAIGHT?

YOU'RE IN LOVE
WITH LINDSAY.

ACK, I AM NOT.
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

WHY ARE YOU
GETTING SO MAD?

I'M NOT!
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

BECAUSE YOU HAVE
YOUR BOOK IN FRONT
OF YOUR PANTS.

OH, SHUT UP. JERK.

I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HER.
I JUST CARE ABOUT HER

BECAUSE SHE'S
MY GOOD FRIEND'S SISTER.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD
ASK YOURSELF
WHY YOU DON'T CARE.

I CA--COME ON,
YOU KNOW I CARE.

I CA--COME ON,
YOU KNOW I CARE.

SAM.

HEY, SAM,
I'M HAVING A KEG PARTY
TOMORROW NIGHT.

YOU ARE?

YEAH, SO YOU CAN'T
TELL MOM AND DAD.

WELL...

WHAT IF YOUR FRIENDS
TRASH OUR HOUSE?

MY FRIENDS AREN'T GONNA
TRASH THE HOUSE.

I'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME
TO CLEAN UP BEFORE
MOM AND DAD GET BACK.

MMM, WHAT IF DAD
FINDS OUT?

WELL, THAT'S MY PROBLEM.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

NO, NO, IT'S NOT,

BECAUSE DAD
WILL YELL AT ME

FOR NOT TELLING
ON YOU.

ARE YOU GONNA TELL ON ME?

ARE YOU GONNA TELL ON ME?

I GUESS NOT.

THANKS, SAM.
SEE YOU LATER.

THANKS, SAM.
SEE YOU LATER.

GIVE ME YOUR KEYS, MAN.
YOU'RE DRUNK.

I'M NOT DRUNK.
GET OUT OF MY WAY,
I'M FINE.

NO, YOU'RE NOT,
AND I'M NOT GOING
TO DRIVE WITH YOU.

I DON'T CARE.

IF YOU TRY
TO DRIVE LIKE THAT,

I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
MY FRIEND.

HE IS YOUR FRIEND,
DAISY.

WHO ARE YOU?

I'M THE
DESIGNATED DRIVER.

I MADE A PLEDGE
NOT TO DRINK
AT THIS PARTY

SO I CAN HELP
PEOPLE LIKE YOU
GET HOME SAFELY.

Millie:
THAT'S COOL.

I SHOULD HAVE
DONE THAT.

THAT DESIGNATED DRIVER'S
PRETTY HOT.

LIKE TO GET HER DRUNK.

IF YOU DRIVE RIGHT NOW,
YOU'RE NOT ONLY A DANGER
TO YOURSELF,

BUT YOU'RE A DANGER TO
EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROAD.

YOU'RE LIKE A LOADED GUN.

[SOBS] I DIDN'T WANT
TO HURT ANYONE.

[LAUGHS]

WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WILL YOU GIVE ME
YOUR KEYS?

WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WILL YOU GIVE ME
YOUR KEYS?

AND FREEZE!

LET'S HEAR IT FOR
THE SOBER STUDENTS
IMPROV PLAYERS.

[APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE]

THAT WAS A GOOD
EXAMPLE OF HOW TO
PREVENT A TRAGEDY.

BUT THERE'S
AN EVEN BETTER WAY
TO SAVE LIVES,

AND THAT'S
NOT TO DRINK...

KEN'S GOT
THE RIGHT IDEA.

IN THE FIRST PLACE.
AND, HEY, JUST
'CAUSE YOUR PARENTS

OR OTHER ADULTS
DRINK DOESN'T MEAN
YOU HAVE TO.

NOW, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE THINKING:

"MR. ROSSO, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IF I DON'T DRINK,
I WON'T BE COOL."

WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT I SAY TO THAT?

MAYBE IF
YOU DON'T DRINK,
YOU WILL BE COOL.

AND RIGHT NOW
OUR THESPIANS,

MILLIE, CINDY,
AND HARRIS,

WILL SHOW YOU HOW
YOU CAN STAY SOBER
AND STILL BE COOL.

OK, WHAT I NEED
FROM YOU PEOPLE

IS A KIND OF PARTY
WHERE DRINKING
MIGHT OCCUR.

A KIND OF PARTY.

A SEX PARTY.

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT, I THINK
I HEARD SOMEONE SAY
"BIRTHDAY PARTY."

UM, OK, YOU'RE
AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY
AND...GO.

UM, OK, YOU'RE
AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY
AND...GO.

HEY, MARY,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

OH, THANK YOU,
BOB.

HOW'S IT GOING?

GOOD. YOU DID
A REALLY NICE JOB
DECORATING HERE.

YOU KNOW IF ANYONE HERE
HAS ANY COCAINE?

[LAUGHTER]

NO. COKE DOES DAMAGE
TO YOUR BRAIN.

I THINK I CAN HAVE COKE
WHENEVER I WANT,

BUT I CAN ONLY WATCH YOU
OPEN YOUR PRESENTS NOW.

OH, THANK YOU,
BOB. THAT'S
VERY SWEET.

I KNEW
YOU'D LIKE...

WANNA GET OUT OF HERE?

WANNA GET OUT OF HERE?

SURE.

OK. I'M GONNA GO.
COUNT TO 10, THEN COME.

Harris: THIS IS
THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.

OK, LET'S HAVE CAKE.

OK. COME ON,
LET'S GO GET
A GLASS OF POP.

I HOPE
THEY HAVE ORANGE.

HEY, IT'S A PARTY,
ISN'T IT?

AND FREEZE.

AS YOU CAN SEE,
NOTHING IS MORE
CONTAGIOUS

THAN GOOD JUDGMENT.

THANKS, GANG.
JIMMY, LIGHTS.

THANKS, GANG.
JIMMY, LIGHTS.

BUT IF YOU STILL
THINK DRINKING
IS COOL...

BUT IF YOU STILL
THINK DRINKING
IS COOL...

WHY NOT ASK JENNY POWELL
IF DRINKING IS COOL.

WELL, YOU CAN'T ASK HER.

SHE CRASHED
INTO A PHONE POLE
THIS WINTER

DRIVING DRUNK AFTER
A NEW YEAR'S PARTY.

DRIVING DRUNK AFTER
A NEW YEAR'S PARTY.

AND YOU CAN'T ASK
JOHN YABLONSKI EITHER.

HE DIED FROM ALCOHOL POISONING
AT A FRATERNITY PARTY.

I LOVE BEING TOLD
NOT TO DRINK

BY A POTHEAD HIPPIE
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.

THERE'S PROBABLY A BAR
IN THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE.

YEAH, PROBABLY.

HEY, STROKER.
HEY.

10 BUCKS
FOR THE KEG.

I KNOW.
DON'T WEASEL OUT
ON ME.

I'LL CUT
THAT HAIR OFF
AND I'LL SELL IT.

OH, HEY, UM, I HOPE
YOU DON'T MIND.
I INVITED MY COUSIN

AND A COUPLE
OF HIS FRIENDS
TO THE PARTY.

OH, THAT'S COOL.
WHAT GRADE ARE THEY IN?

NO GRADE.
THEY'RE OLDER.

NO GRADE.
THEY'RE OLDER.

OH. COOL.

RIGHT ON.

WE GOT TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT
YOUR SISTER'S PARTY.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
IT'S JUST BEER.

YEAH, BEER AT
A FREAK PARTY?

MY COUSIN'S FRIEND
WAS AT A FREAK
PARTY ONCE,

AND SOMEONE
PUT ANGEL DUST
IN HER DRINK.

OH, MAN.

WE GOTTA GO.
TO PROTECT LINDSAY.

OH, I CAN'T.
UM,DALLASIS ON.

WHAT? BILL,
DALLASSUCKS.

YOU SUCK.
DALLASRULES.

FACE IT,
YOU'RE JUST GONNA
LET LINDSAY END UP

LIKE ONE OF THOSE PICTURES.

FINE, I'LL GO.
BUT I'M WATCHING
DALLASTHERE.

FINE, I'LL GO.
BUT I'M WATCHING
DALLASTHERE.

[GIRLS LAUGH]

I WAS JUST JOKING.
I DON'T--
I DON'T WATCHDALLAS.

I WAS JUST JOKING.
I DON'T--
I DON'T WATCHDALLAS.

THE HOT WATER HEATER
MAKES THAT FUNNY NOISE,
CALL THE GAS COMPANY.

I DON'T WANT TO COME HOME
TO A COUPLE OF DEAD KIDS.

THERE'S 50 BUCKS ON
THE DINING ROOM TABLE.
THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.

LINDSAY,
YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF IT.

OK.

IT'S NOT FOR THOSE
STAR WARSCARDS OR
THOSE GOOFY PACKS.

WACKY PACKS.

AH, WHATEVER.
DON'T BLOW IT.

Jean: HEY, LINDSAY,
COME HERE, SWEETIE.

YEAH?

OK, NOW, THIS IS DINNER
FOR FRIDAY NIGHT.

THIS IS LUNCH
AND DINNER FOR SATURDAY.

IF YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE,
DADDY LEFT $50 ON
THE DINING ROOM TABLE, OK?

Harold: OK, LET'S GO.

I WANT TO GET THERE
BEFORE THE WELCOME MIXER.

ALL RIGHT, AND TURN OUT
THE LIGHTS WHEN YOU GO OUT.

I'M NOT MADE OF MONEY.

WAIT.

Harold:
WHAT IS IT?

Harold:
WHAT IS IT?

HAVE A GOOD TRIP.

OHH.
THANKS.

WE'LL BE BACK SUNDAY NIGHT.
DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID.

[LAUGHS] I LOVE YOU.
BYE-BYE. HAVE FUN, GUYS.

BYE.
LOVE YOU.
BYE.

BYE.
LOVE YOU.
BYE.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

UM, AT ASSEMBLY TODAY,

THEY DID THESE IMPROVISATIONS
ABOUT DRINKING AND DRIVING.

IT'S PRETTY FUNNY.

YEAH, I SAW.
THAT'S WHY I LEFT.

WELL, AT ASSEMBLY
TODAY,

THEY SHOWED THESE
PICTURES OF THESE KIDS

WHO DIED IN DRUNK DRIVING
ACCIDENTS.

DID YOU KNOW ANY OF THEM?

NO.

NO.

WELL, ONE OF THEIR
MOMS TALKED.

SHE WAS PRETTY SAD.
IT KIND OF FREAKED
EVERYBODY OUT.

OH, AND AT
ASSEMBLY TODAY,

IT SAID THAT IF YOU
DRINK TOO MUCH
IN ONE NIGHT

YOU CAN DIE OF
ALCOHOL POISONING.

SAM, YOU SOUND LIKE DAD.

SAM, YOU SOUND LIKE DAD.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY
YOU HAVE TO HAVE BEER
AT YOUR PARTY, THAT'S ALL.

I MEAN,
YOU'VE NEVER HAD BEER

AT ANY OF YOUR
OTHER PARTIES
AND THEY WERE FUN.

WELL, THOSE WERE
BIRTHDAY PARTIES, SAM.
WE WENT BOWLING.

YEAH, WELL,
REMEMBER THE PARTY WHERE
YOU HAD A MAGICIAN?

THAT WAS FUN.
WHY DON'T YOU
HAVE A MAGICIAN?

WE ARE NOT HAVING
A MAGI--WHY AM I
TALKING TO YOU?

I'M IN CHARGE.
LEAVE ME ALONE.

LEAVEMEALONE.

IF "F" IS A DIFFERENTIABLE
FUNCTION OF "X,"

AND "C" IS A REAL NUMBER,
THEN...

AND "C" IS A REAL NUMBER,
THEN...

[WHISPERS] PARTY.

PARTY.

[KNOCKS AT DOOR]

[KNOCKS AT DOOR]

CAN I HELP YOU, MISS?

YEAH, THERE'S, UM,
AN EMERGENCY PHONE CALL
FOR LINDSAY WEIR.

IT'S HER MOM.

OH, OK. LINDSAY.
GO AHEAD.

OH, OK. LINDSAY.
GO AHEAD.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

OK, PEOPLE, BACK ON ME.
COME ON. THE SHOW'S OVER.

OK, PEOPLE, BACK ON ME.
COME ON. THE SHOW'S OVER.

DID THEY SAY
WHAT'S WRONG?

THEY DIDN'T
TELL ME ANYTHING.

THEY DIDN'T
TELL ME ANYTHING.

HEY, LINDSAY.

NOT NOW, THERE'S
SOME EMERGENCY
WITH MY PARENTS.

NO, NO, LINDSAY.
LINDSAY, NO, NO, NO.

I KNOW. THEY WANT--
THEY WANT YOU TO COME
WITH THEM TO BUY A KEG.

WHAT?

HEY, THANKS A LOT, SARA.

NO PROBLEM.
SEE YOU AT
THE PARTY TONIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S A CUTE NECKLACE.

ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S A CUTE NECKLACE.

UM, WE'RE CUTTING.

DANIEL IS PAYING
HIS BROTHER 20 BUCKS

AND HE'S GONNA
BUY US A KEG.

EVERYBODY'S WAITING
OUT AT THE CAR,

SO...ARE YOU OK?

YEAH, I--I JUST...

WELL, IT'S THAT WHOLE
EMERGENCY PHONE CALL THING.

[SIGHS]

LET'S GO GET SOME BEER.

LET'S GO GET SOME BEER.

OK, I GOT IT.

MAYBE YOU CAN
CALL YOUR PARENTS

AND TELL THEM YOU FELL
AND HIT YOUR HEAD

AND HAVE THEM COME HOME
BEFORE THE PARTY.

THEN WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN THEY COME HOME

AND SEE MY HEAD
IS FINE?

WELL, WE'D HAVE
TO HIT YOU OVER THE HEAD
AND GIVE YOU A BUMP.

OOH, LIKE IN THAT
DIRTY HARRY MOVIE

WHERE THE BAD GUY
YELLS AT THIS BLACK GUY

SO HE WILL BEAT HIM UP,

THEN HE BLAMES IT ON CLINT.

[IMITATES BAD GUY]
IT WAS CALLAHAN!

NO CHANCE.
I'M NOT GONNA
LET YOU GUYS HIT ME.

HEY, GUYS,
WHENEVER MY UNCLE VISITS,

MY MOM GIVES HIM
NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER

SO HE DOESN'T
GET ALL DRUNK
AND YELL AT EVERYONE.

WHAT'S NON-ALCOHOLIC
BEER?

IT'S JUST LIKE BEER,
BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE

THAT INGREDIENT
THAT MAKES YOU DRUNK.

ALCOHOL?

YEAH.

YEAH.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

BUT WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO BUY
A WHOLE KEG OF IT.

THAT'S GONNA BE
EXPENSIVE.

I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

I DON'T, EITHER.

YES, YOU DO.

OH, NO--NO WAY.

WHY NOT?

[SIGHS] IT'S MY
BAR MITZVAH MONEY.

[SIGH] I'M SAVING IT
TO GO BACKPACKING
ACROSS EUROPE.

OH, COME ON,
THIS IS IMPORTANT.

EVERY TIME YOU GUYS
HAVE A PROBLEM,

YOU WANT TO DIP INTO
MY BAR MITZVAH MONEY.

IT'S NOT LIKE I GET
TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE.

COME ON. FOR LINDSAY?

COME ON. FOR LINDSAY?

FINE.

FINE.

MAZEL TOV.

OH, SHUT UP.

OH, SHUT UP.

WHAT IF SOMEBODY
ROBS THIS PLACE
WHILE WE'RE IN HERE?

PEOPLE ARE
ALWAYS GETTING SHOT
IN LIQUOR STORES.

DO YOU THINK
THEY SELL YOOHOO HERE?
I'M KINDA THIRSTY.

YEAH, BILL,
WHY DON'T YOU
ASK THE GUY?

MAYBE HE CAN CHANGE
YOUR DIAPER, TOO.

HEY, THAT WAS
UNNECESSARY.

HEY, THAT WAS
UNNECESSARY.

WE'RE OUT
OF POP ROCKS.

UH, A KEG OF BEER,
PLEASE.

DON'T SEE THAT
HAPPENING.

UH, NO, WE'D LIKE
NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER.

OH, REALLY? NO.

PLEASE?
WE REALLY NEED IT.

WHAT FOR?

OH, WE'RE GONNA
SWITCH THE KEGS AT
HIS SISTER'S PARTY.

OH, WE'RE GONNA
SWITCH THE KEGS AT
HIS SISTER'S PARTY.

[LAUGHS] RIGHTEOUS.

[LAUGHS] RIGHTEOUS.

BILL, PUT YOUR
JACKET ON IT

SO IF SOMEONE
DRIVES BY
THEY DON'T SEE IT.

I HOPE WE DON'T
GET CAUGHT.

THEN HURRY UP!

[SIGH] BILL, PUSH!

I--I AM! I AM!

I--I AM! I AM!

SHE'S IN THERE.
HOW ARE WE GONNA
DO THIS?

I'LL DISTRACT HER
WHILE YOU AND BILL
SWITCH THE KEGS.

I'M TIRED
OF CARRYING
THIS STUPID KEG.

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME
DISTRACT HER?

I'M DISTRACTING HER.

COME ON. HURRY UP.

I'M GOING IN.

I'M GOING IN.

HEY, LINDSAY.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

SAM, BILL, AND I
ARE JUST HANGING OUT.

SAM, BILL, AND I
ARE JUST HANGING OUT.

OH, PLEASE,
ALLOW ME.

OH, PLEASE,
ALLOW ME.

THANKS.

THANKS.

[WHISPERS]
Come on, push.

I AM PUSHING.
IT'S HEAVY.

CAREFUL. MY FOOT!

HEY, IT'S YOUR FOOT.
YOU CAN WATCH IT, TOO,
YOU KNOW.

SO, WHAT KIND OF MUSIC
ARE YOU GONNA PLAY TONIGHT?

YOU SHOULD PLAY
SOME CHICAGO.

THEY'VE GOT A REALLY HOT
HORN SECTION.

HA, I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK I'M GONNA PLAY
SOME ZEPPELIN, FOGHAT,
HMM, MAYBE SOME SABBATH.

FRIDAY NIGHT,
ALWAYS A GOOD NIGHT
FOR SOME SABBATH.

FRIDAY NIGHT,
ALWAYS A GOOD NIGHT
FOR SOME SABBATH.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW,
FRIDAY...

IS THE SABBATH...
FOR THE JEWS.

IS THE SABBATH...
FOR THE JEWS.

THINK NEAL'S OK
IN THERE?

HE'S HAVING
A TERRIFIC TIME.

WHY?
HE'S IN LOVE
WITH YOUR SISTER.

WHAT?
OW!

HEY, SAM, WHAT WAS THAT?

UH, NOTHING.
BILL FELL.

UH, NOTHING.
BILL FELL.

HEY, DON'T YOU
WANT TO GO PLAY
WITH THOSE GUYS?

NO. I LIKE TALKING TO YOU.

NO. I LIKE TALKING TO YOU.

IF NEAL MARRIES
YOUR SISTER,

THEN HE'D BE YOUR
BROTHER-IN-LAW.

THEN--THEN,
IF YOU HAD KIDS,

UH, NEAL WOULD BE
THEIR UNCLE NEAL.

AND THEN I BET
LINDSAY'S KIDS
WOULD LOOK LIKE NEAL.

BILL, SHUT UP.
HE DOESN'T LOVE
LINDSAY.

THAT--THAT'S NOT
WHAT HE TOLD...ME.

[BANG]

I THINK BILL'S GOT
AN EAR INFECTION.

IT'S MESSING WITH
HIS EQUILIBRIUM.

[CLEARS THROAT]
I THINK YOU NEED
MORE M&Ms.

WELL, I DON'T HAVE
ANY MORE M&Ms.

NO, NO, NO, NO,
I SAW SOME
RIGHT OVER THERE.

NO, NO, NO, NO,
I SAW SOME
RIGHT OVER THERE.

OH, NO.

NO, WE DON'T HAVE
ANY MORE M&Ms.

NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DO--?

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DO--?

UH--OH, HI. OH.
IT'S...

UH--OH, HI. OH.
IT'S...

NO, BILL, IT'S OK.
UH, NEAL TOLD ME
ABOUT YOUR--YOUR--

WELL, HELP HIM, SAM.
GIVE HIM SOMETHING
TO WEAR.

WELL, HELP HIM, SAM.
GIVE HIM SOMETHING
TO WEAR.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

HI.
HEY.

HEY.
HEY.

COME IN.

COME IN.

Nick: WOW.

Lindsay: SO,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT DO YOU THINK
WE ARE, HIPPIES?

[LAUGHS] SHUT UP, MAN.
I THINK IT LOOKS GREAT.

LOOKS GREAT.

WOW. LIKE THAT UNICORN.

WELL, MY HOUSE IS
SO BORING LOOKING.

SO I JUST WANTED
TO MAKE IT LOOK
MORE PARTY-LIKE.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU
HOW TO MAKE IT LOOK
MORE PARTY-LIKE.

POINT ME TO THE KEG.

Nick: OH, YEAH.

OH, IT'S
IN THE CORNER.

THEN I AM
IN THE CORNER.

THEN I AM
IN THE CORNER.

HEY, DON'T BE NERVOUS.

THIS PARTY'S GONNA BE GREAT.

THANKS.

YEAH. SO, THIS IS
THE MAIN ROOM?

YEAH. WHY?

WELL, IT'S PROBABLY
BIG ENOUGH.

YEAH, WORD'S
GETTING AROUND.

SO, UH, YOU MIND IF
I CHECK OUT THE REST?

OK.

PEOPLE ARE HERE.

PEOPLE ARE HERE.

ALL RIGHT,
IT'S GOING DOWN.

YOU'RE BLOCKING THE TV.

WHAT DO YOU THINK'S
GONNA HAPPEN?

WELL, HOPEFULLY
EVERYBODY'S
GONNA DRINK

A BUNCH OF FAKE BEER,
HAVE TO PEE A LOT,

AND GO HOME
'CAUSE THEY'RE BORED.

THIS IS GENIUS.

IT'S MY IDEA.
I'M THE GENIUS.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE PLAN.

BILL, YOU GUARD THE KEG.
NEAL AND I WILL
PATROL THE PARTY.

I'LL KEEP AN EYE
ON LINDSAY.

I'LL KEEP AN EYE
ON LINDSAY.

I'M THE GENIUS.

[LOUD ROCK 'N' ROLL]

HEY.
WHAT'S UP?

COME ON IN.

HOW'S IT GOING?

dd NA NA-NA-NA,
NA-NA NA, NA-NA NA dd

[GROANS] THIS BEER SUCKS.
IT TASTE WEIRD TO YOU?

UH, IT'S IMPORTED.

NOTHING'S TOO GOOD
FOR OUR FRIENDS.

NOTHING'S TOO GOOD
FOR OUR FRIENDS.

DANIEL
PROBABLY BOUGHT
THE CHEAP BEER

AND KEPT
THE EXTRA CASH.

DEFINITELY.

dd THOUGHT I HEARD HER
CALLING MY NAME NOW dd

PUMP IT, YOU DORK.

SO, I THINK IF YOU
LOOK BACK, EVEN,

ATSONG REMAINS THE SAME,
FOR INSTANCE,

HE'S DRESSED
LIKE A GANGSTER,

A-AND THEN HIS HEAD
GOT SHOT OFF, RIGHT?

AND ALL THAT
MULTI-COLORED PAINT
AND STUFF

CAME OUT OF HIS NECK.

NOW, I THINK WHAT
THAT MEANS IS THAT
HE KNEW EVEN THEN

THAT HE WAS
GONNA DIE. WHAT?

UH, COULD YOU
NOT SIT ON THAT,
PLEASE?

IT'S GLASS.

NAH, NO, YOU KNOW,
YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO
TRADE PLACES WITH ME.

BELIEVE ME.

I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, I'M JEWISH.

IT'S NO CAKE-WALK
EITHER.

I WAS ELECTED
SCHOOL TREASURER
LAST YEAR.

I DIDN'T EVEN RUN.

I DIDN'T EVEN RUN.

dd NA NA-NA-NA
NA-NA NA, NA-NA NA dd

dd NA NA-NA-NA
NA-NA NA, NA-NA NA dd

dd LISTEN, HUSH dd

dd HUSH, I THOUGHT I HEARD HER
CALLIN' MY NAME NOW dd

dd HUSH, HUSH dd

dd SHE BROKE MY HEART, BUT
I LOVE HER JUST THE SAME dd

MILLIE. HI.

I SAW ALL THE CARS
OUT IN FRONT.

YEAH, WELL,
WE'RE ALL HANGING OUT.

YEAH, WELL,
WE'RE ALL HANGING OUT.

YOU MISSED A POP QUIZ
IN CHEMISTRY TODAY.

I DID? REALLY?

YEAH, WERE YOU SKIPPING
OUT WITH YOUR NEW
FRIENDS?

OR SHOULD I CALL THEM
"DRINKING BUDDIES?"

MILLIE.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS,
LINDSAY?

YOU'RE ASKING
FOR TROUBLE.

BEER HERE!

UH, NO, THANK YOU.

I PREFER TO GET HIGH
ON LIFE.

[SEAN SNICKERS]

OH, WHOA, WHOA.

YOU'RE THAT CHICK
FROM THAT THING
YESTERDAY.

OH, HEY, WOULD YOU
GIVE ME A RIDE HOME?

YES, I WOULD.

[SNICKERS]
"YES, I WOULD."

WHY IS IT SO FUNNY?

LOOK, MILLIE, I GOTTA
GET BACK TO THE PARTY.

YOU WANT TO STAY?

YES.

AND I'M GOING
TO HAVE MORE FUN
THAN ANY OF YOU.

SOBER.

[SCREECHING TIRES]

[SCREECHING TIRES]

[MEN TALKING]

Lindsay: UH, HI.

CAN I HELP YOU?

NO DOUBT.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE FRIENDS
OF DANIEL'S.

WE'RE LOOKING
FOR SOME BEER.

HEY, JIMMY.

HEY, SWEET THING.
WHERE-WHERE'S YOUR BOY?

HOPEFULLY UNDER A TRUCK.

I DUMPED HIS ASS.

RIGHT ON, MAN.

THAT MAKES YOU AVAILABLE.

[KIM LAUGHS]

NO WAY, OLD MAN.

SHE'S MINE.
AAH! AAH!

ALL MINE.

[LAUGHTER]

COME ON, BOYS. LET'S GO
TEAR THIS MOTHER DOWN!

[WHOOPS]

[WHOOPS]

Man: HELLO, LADIES!

WHO ARE THOSE GUYS?

THEY'RE...

MY GUESTS.

MY GUESTS.

[BELCHES]

OH, MAN,
I GOTTA PEE!

OH, MAN,
I GOTTA PEE!

I'LL CONSIDER THAT
A FORFEIT.

OWW!

I AM THE LORD
OF QUARTERS.

OH, MMM...

OH, MAN!

MAN, I'VE HAD 5 BEERS ALREADY.
I'M NOT EVEN BUZZED.

YOU'RE THE MAN!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO SAY. YOU'RE THE MAN!

I HAVEN'T HAD ANY
AND I'M SAILING.

I'M HAVING MORE FUN
THAN ANY OF YOU.

EXCUSE ME.

HEY, WAIT A SECOND,
MAN. AREN'T YOU
A--A SOBER STUDENT?

I ONLY DID THAT BECAUSE
IT LOOKS GOOD ON MY
TRANSCRIPT FOR COLLEGE.

ALL RIGHT!

WAIT--WAIT
TILL I'M READY.
WAIT TILL I'M READY.

WAIT TILL I'M--
GO!

WAIT TILL I'M--
GO!

I WASN'T READY.

I WASN'T READY.

HIT ME HARDER.
HARDER, MAN, COME ON!

COME ON. FEEL THE STEEL.

MAN, YOU'RE TICKLING
ME. WHO'S NEXT?

ALL RIGHT, STEP RIGHT
UP, MY BIG MAN.

COME ON, RIGHT HERE.

MAN, THAT WAS COOL, MAN.

ARE YOU SURE WE PUT OUT
THE RIGHT KEG?

IT'S WORKING BETTER
THAN WE WANTED.

THEY REALLY THINK
THEY'RE DRUNK.

THINK SO?

LOOK AT THEM.
THEY'RE WASTED.

THAT'S THE PLACEBO EFFECT
WORKING FOR YOU, MY FRIEND.

CHECK OUT THAT GUY.

WHAT IF THEY TRASH
THE PLACE 'CAUSE THEY
THINK THEY'RE DRUNK?

THEY WON'T.

I DON'T THINK.

THIS COULD BE BAD.

THIS COULD BE BAD.

HEY, DANIEL.

HEY.

UH, WELL,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, I'M JUST, UH,
LOOKING AT ALL THIS
STUFF.

HOW OLD ARE YOU HERE?

I, UH, IT WAS...
IT WAS YOUNGER.

I--I--I--
I WAS REALLY GEEKY.

YEAH.

YOU WIN A LOT,
DON'T YOU?

I GUESS.
YEAH.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO PUT
THAT IN THE BASEMENT.

"FIRST PLACE--
ALGEBRA DIVISION"?

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE, UH...

MATHLETES.

YEAH, I KNOW. IT'S...

STUPID. I DON'T DO IT
ANYMORE.

WHY IS IT SO STUPID?

YOU LOOK PRETTY HAPPY THERE.

YOU LOOK PRETTY HAPPY THERE.

HEY, IF I EVER WON
A BLUE RIBBON...

I'D BE SO PUMPED.

I'D BE SO PUMPED.

I MEAN, UH, I WOULDN'T WEAR
IT AROUND OR NOTHING, BUT...

I MEAN, UH, I WOULDN'T WEAR
IT AROUND OR NOTHING, BUT...

IT'S COOL.

IT'S COOL.

THANKS.

THANKS.

OH. OH, NO!

THAT'S THAT CHICK
FROM THE ASSEMBLY,
MAN.

dd JESUS IS JUST
ALL RIGHT WITH ME dd

dd JESUS IS JUST ALL RIGHT,
OH, YEAH dd

dd JESUS IS JUST ALL RIGHT
WITH ME dd

dd JESUS IS JUST
ALL RIGHT-- dd

YEAH.

YEAH.

dd I DON'T CARE
WHAT THEY MAY SAY dd

dd I DON'T CARE
WHAT THEY MAY DO dd

dd I DON'T CARE
WHAT THEY MAY SAY dd

dd JESUS IS JUST
ALL RIGHT dd

COME ON! COME ON,
LET'S DO IT.

LET'S GO.

dd DOO DOO DE DO
DOOD DOOD DOOD DOOD dd

dd DOO DOO DOO DOO
DOOD DOOD OH, YEAH... dd

HI, KEN.

HEY.

DO YOU GUYS
LIKE MY SISTER?

SURE.

WELL, THEN CAN YOU
MAKE SURE

THAT SHE DOESN'T GET
IN TOO MUCH TROUBLE?

OK.

THANKS.

THANKS.

HEY, WHICH ONE'S YOUR SISTER?

SHE'S NOT THAT CHICK
WHO'S SINGING, IS SHE?

dd
dd DE DOOD DOOD

[TV PLAYS]

[TV PLAYS]

CAREFUL. CAREFUL, J.R.
IT'S A TRAP.

CAREFUL. CAREFUL, J.R.
IT'S A TRAP.

HEY, YOU WANT TO GO?

WHAT?

I SAID, DO YOU
WANT TO GO?!

I ALWAYS WANT
TO GO, GRANDPA.

WANT TO GO?

YOU WANT TO GO?

YOU WANT TO GO?

LET'S GO, FAT BOY!

THAT WAS STUPID, OLD MAN.

HEY, HEY,
HEY, HEY.

ALL RIGHT,
COOL OFF, MAN.
NOT HERE.

ALL RIGHT,
COOL OFF, MAN.
NOT HERE.

ALL RIGHT,
ARE WE COOL?

ALL RIGHT,
ARE WE COOL?

WHATEVER.

WHATEVER.

HI, SAM.

HI, CINDY.

I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE COMING.

YEAH.
NEAL INVITED ME.

YEAH.
NEAL INVITED ME.

OH, THIS IS
MY COUSIN BETH.

SHE'S VISITING
FROM BOCA RATON.

OH, HI.

SO WHERE'S THE BEER?

UH, IT-IT'S OVER THERE.

DON'T WORRY. I'M
THE DESIGNATED DRIVER.

DON'T WORRY. I'M
THE DESIGNATED DRIVER.

GOOD GOD.

GOOD GOD.

WHY DID NEAL
INVITE HER?

NOW SHE'S GONNA SEE
ALL THE DUMB STUFF
IN MY HOUSE.

HIS PLAN IS TO DISTRACT YOU,
SO HE CAN HIT ON YOUR SISTER.

OH, MAN!
HE'S SO DEAD.

WHAT AM I GONNA
SAY TO CINDY?

DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
BE DOMINANT.

IT'S ALL--ALL
ABOUT DOMINANCE.

I SAW THIS MONKEY SHOW
ON PBS.

IF YOU TALK TO HER FIRST,
IT'S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS.

AND SHE WILL NOT PICK YOU
TO BE HER MATE.

ARE YOU DRUNK?

I THINK SO.
YES, I AM.

OH, MAN!
GO INTO MY ROOM,
LOCK THE DOOR,

AND DON'T DRINK
ANY MORE.

THAT'S VERY DOMINANT.

THAT'S VERY DOMINANT.

HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN DANIEL?

HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN DANIEL?

NO.
NO.

NO.
NO.

THANKS FOR THE DANCE.

THANKS FOR THE DANCE.

Kim: OW. WATCH IT, ROMEO.
YOU'RE ON MY HAIR.

HEY, WE'RE BUSY HERE.

UH, SORRY.

OH, HEY, LINDSAY.

[KIM LAUGHS]

DON'T WORRY. WE THREW YOUR
TEDDY BEARS ON THE FLOOR.

DON'T WORRY. WE THREW YOUR
TEDDY BEARS ON THE FLOOR.

dd BABY dd

dd WHAT AM I... dd

dd WHAT AM I... dd

DANIEL AND KIM ARE
MAKING OUT ON MY BED.

DANIEL AND KIM ARE
MAKING OUT ON MY BED.

OH.

I THOUGHT
THEY BROKE UP.

YEAH. I DON'T KNOW.
THEY BREAK UP, LIKE,

EVERY WEEK, YOU KNOW, SO...

EVERY WEEK, YOU KNOW, SO...

HEY. HEY...

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE YOU'RE
HAVING VERY MUCH FUN.

WELL, I'M NOT.

WELL, I'M NOT.

HEY, LINDSAY,

THIS IS A PARTY.

OK? SO WILL YOU PLEASE JUST,
LIKE, TRY TO RELAX

AND HAVE A GOOD TIME, OK?

AND WHEN IT'S OVER,
I'LL STAY

AND I'LL HELP YOU
CLEAN UP.

THANKS.

OH, I'M SO GLAD
YOU'RE HERE.

OH, I'M SO GLAD
YOU'RE HERE.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

[LAUGHS]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NOTHING.

EW! STOP!

EW! STOP!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

I'M SORRY. OH, MY GOD,
I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'M--I'M REALLY WASTED
RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW.

I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'M--I'M REALLY WASTED
RIGHT NOW, YOU KNOW.

JOHN BONHAM DIED.

JOHN BONHAM DIED.

dd YOU LIKE CREDIT CARDS dd

dd AND PRIVATE PLANES dd

dd MONEY... dd

dd MONEY... dd

LINDSAY? ARE YOU OK?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

I'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.

SOMETIMES IT HELPS
TO TALK TO SOMEONE.

WELL, I'M TOO DRUNK
TO TALK.

NO, THAT'S OK.
I SPEAK DRUNK.

I'M SO WASTED,
AND I HATE MY LIFE.

YOU SHOULDN'T HATE
YOUR LIFE.

WHY NOT?
IT SUCKS.

NO, IT DOESN'T.

YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL
YOUNG GIRL.

THE WORLD
IS YOUR OYSTER.

PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE.

NO.

WHY?

WHY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE
SAM'S SISTER.

BECAUSE YOU'RE
SAM'S SISTER.

I'M SO WASTED.

I WISH I NEVER
HAD THIS PARTY.

UH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S OK.

EVERYTHING WILL BE OK.

EVERYTHING WILL BE OK.

SAM, RIGHT?

HAVE YOU, UH, SEEN
YOUR SISTER AROUND ANYWHERE?

UH, NO.
NOT RECENTLY.

UH, NO.
NOT RECENTLY.

UM, IF YOU SEE HER,
COULD YOU JUST TELL HER
I'M REALLY SORRY?

DID YOU BREAK SOMETHING?

NO.

NO.

JUST FORGET IT, OK?

JUST FORGET IT, OK?

GO, GO, GO, GO,
GO, GO, GO, GO!

[GLASS BREAKS]

OH, GOD. WHAT IS
GOING ON OUT THERE?

I DIDN'T EVEN WANT
TO HAVE THIS PARTY.

I ONLY HAD IT
'CAUSE DANIEL WANTED IT.

AND NEXT THING I KNOW,
HE'S MAKING OUT
ON MY BED WITH KIM.

TYPICAL.

TYPICAL.

ALL MY NEW FRIENDS THINK
I'M SOME GOODY TWO-SHOES,

AND ALL MY OLD FRIENDS THINK
I'M THROWING MY LIFE AWAY.

WHAT THE HELL AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO?

WHAT THE HELL AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO?

MAY I SPEAK FREELY?

MAY I SPEAK FREELY?

THAT DANIEL GUY,
YOU CAN DO BETTER.

AND, HEY, AT LEAST PEOPLE
SHOWED UP TO YOUR PARTY.

AND, HEY, AT LEAST PEOPLE
SHOWED UP TO YOUR PARTY.

WHEN I WAS IN
THE SIXTH GRADE,

MY MOM THREW ME
A SURPRISE PARTY,

YOU KNOW WHAT
THE SURPRISE WAS?

NOBODY SHOWED UP.

NOBODY SHOWED UP.

EXCEPT BILL AND SAM.

EXCEPT BILL AND SAM.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YEAH?

Carl:
WHOEVER'S IN THERE,

WE NEED 5 BUCKS
FROM EVERYONE.

WE'RE GONNA GET
ANOTHER KEG.

OH, MY GOD.

FORGET IT, MAN.
WE JUST FOUND
50 BUCKS.

UM, YOU'VE GOTTA
DO SOMETHING.

I CAN'T. IF I GO OUT THERE
AND KICK EVERYBODY OUT,

I'M GONNA LOOK SO LAME.

NO, NO, NO.
WHY DON'T YOU CALL
THE POLICE?

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT
MY DAD ALWAYS DOES.

PRETEND TO BE LIKE
AN ANGRY NEIGHBOR.

OH, SO THEY CAN COME IN
AND FIND THE KEG?

NOT WITHOUT A WARRANT.

NO. NO. I CAN'T.

OH, GOD. I CAN'T HANDLE
ANY OF THIS.

OF COURSE YOU CAN.

YOU'RE LINDSAY WEIR.
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.

YOU'RE SMART
AND PRETTY.

YOU DON'T TAKE ANY CRAP.

AND YOU'RE
THE PERFECT GIRL,

AND I'VE BEEN IN LOVE
WITH YOU SINCE
I WAS 5 YEARS OLD.

AND I'VE BEEN IN LOVE
WITH YOU SINCE
I WAS 5 YEARS OLD.

[SOBS]

MAYBE I SHOULD CALL
THE COPS.

YES.

OK.

OK.

HI. POLICE, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

YES, HELLO, POLICE?

YES. HI. THERE'S A VERY
LOUD AND ANNOYING PARTY
GOING ON NEXT DOOR.

IT'S JUST BEEN GOING ON
FOREVER.

I'M VERY TIRED, AND I'M OLD.
I NEED MY REST.

I'VE GOTTA WORK TOMORROW.

YES. IT'S 13 NOME DRIVE.

THANK YOU. PLEASE HURRY UP.
I'M SO TIRED.

THANK YOU. PLEASE HURRY UP.
I'M SO TIRED.

DONE.

I'D SAY THIS PARTY
HAS A LIFE EXPECTANCY
OF 5 MINUTES.

I'D SAY THIS PARTY
HAS A LIFE EXPECTANCY
OF 5 MINUTES.

THANKS, NEAL.

THANKS, NEAL.

HEY, SAM.

HEY, SAM.

OH, HEY, CINDY.
I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

OH, HEY, CINDY.
I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

SO, HOW'S IT GOING?

PRETTY GOOD.

PRETTY GOOD.

SO, UH, WHERE ARE
ALL THE CUTE GUYS?

HA, WHAT? THE BUS
HASN'T ARRIVED YET?

HA, WHAT? THE BUS
HASN'T ARRIVED YET?

OH, MY GOD.
THE POLICE ARE HERE.

[GROANS]

Neal:
COME ON, EVERYBODY OUT.

Neal:
COME ON, EVERYBODY OUT.

LOOK, DO YOU WANT LINDSAY
TO GET IN TROUBLE?

I'M ON PAROLE.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE THEY SEARCH THE VAN.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE THEY SEARCH THE VAN.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUN,
KEN. IT'S FAKE BEER.

I KNOW.

I WON 87 BUCKS
PLAYING QUARTERS.

THIS PARTY RULED.

THIS PARTY RULED.

OH, HEY, LINDSAY.

GREAT PARTY.

WE HAD A GREAT TIME.

WE HAD A GREAT TIME.

GLAD YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.

I KNEW YOU HAD IT
IN YOU.

I KNEW YOU HAD IT
IN YOU.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU WERE
A WONDERFUL HOSTESS.

HAVE US BACK AGAIN SOON.

HAVE US BACK AGAIN SOON.

SHOULD'VE HIRED A MAGICIAN.

SHOULD'VE HIRED A MAGICIAN.

[MOANS]

[MOANS]

HEY, BILL, GET UP.

[MOANS]

THAT'S HOW THE DRUMMER
FROM LED ZEPPELIN DIED.

THAT'S HOW THE DRUMMER
FROM LED ZEPPELIN DIED.

DID HE?

GOOD NIGHT, LINDSAY.

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.L.C.

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS
PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF
DREAMWORKS LLC AND NCI

PUBLIC PERFORMANCE OF CAPTIONS
PROHIBITED WITHOUT PERMISSION OF
DREAMWORKS LLC AND NCI