Freaks and Geeks (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Diary - full transcript

Lindsay's parents are convinced Kim is leading their daughter down a path toward drugs and sex, so they consider taking a peek in her diary. Meanwhile, Bill is tired of the same jocks picking the teams during P.E., often leaving him picked last, so he makes crank calls to Coach Fredricks then confronts him directly. The adults may be the ones learning lessons from the students.

[MUFFLER RATTLING]

NICE MUFFLER!

WE SHOULD
DEFINITELY BE
GETTING A RIDE.

RIGHT HERE IS
THE BEST SPOT.

THIS IS COOL.

HITCHHIKING.

IT'S, LIKE,
IN KEROUAC,
YOU KNOW?

KEROUAC?

JACK KEROUAC.

HE WROTE
ON THE ROAD.

KIM, WE'VE BEEN
READING IT IN
ENGLISH CLASS



FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS.
WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?

ALL WE EVER DO
IN THAT CLASS IS READ.

OOH, OOH, OOH! STICK OUT
YOUR THUMB, WOULD YA?

WE'RE SO SHELTERED,
YOU KNOW?

THERE'S THIS WHOLE
OTHER AMERICA
OUT THERE.

AND THE PERSON
WHO PICKS US UP
COULD BE AN ARTIST

OR A PSYCHIC
OR AN ESCAPED FELON.

IT'S SO EXCITING.

OK, ONE THING
THAT HELPS...

POINT YOUR BOOBS
TOWARDS THE ROAD.

REDNECK!

OOPS...I MEAN...

COOL GUY.
COME ON!

HEY. DROP US AS CLOSE
TO THE CORNER



OF WILSON AND ELM
AS YOU CAN.

HI, I'M LINDSAY.

THIS IS KIM.

SO, ARE YOU FROM
AROUND THESE PARTS?

1210 LILAC TERRACE.

OH.

SO WHAT DO YOU DO?

YOU PICK UP
HITCHHIKERS A LOT?

LISTENI KNOW YOU.

I BUY GEAR FROM
YOUR DAD'S STORE.

I DON'T THINK YOU GIRLS
SHOULD BE DOIN' THIS,

AND I FEEL OBLIGED
TO TELL HIM
WHAT YOU'RE UP TO.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
DREAMWORKS TELEVISION L.L.C.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
'BOUT MY REPUTATION

LIVIN' IN THE PAST,
IT'S A NEW GENERATION

GO AND DO
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO

AND THAT'S WHAT
I'M GONNA DO

AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION

OH, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO

NOT ME

WHAH! NO!

NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO

NOT ME

ME,
ME, ME, ME

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN
'BOUT MY REPUTATION

'VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID
OF ANY DEVIATION

AND I DON'T REALLY CARE
IF YOU THINK I'M STRANGE

I AIN'T GONNA CHANGE

AND I NEVER GONNA CARE
'BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION

OT ME!

THIS...THE THUMB?

DO YOU THINK I DON'T
KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

I KNOW, LINDSAY.

IT MEANS, "HEY, STRANGER,

"PLEASE LOCK ME IN YOUR CAR,

DRIVE ME TO GOD KNOWS WHERE
AND MURDER ME."

DAD, YOU'RE
OVERREACTING.

LINDSAY, I WILL NOT HAVE
MY DAUGHTER HOPPING INTO CARS

LIKE SOME
WOMAN OF THE NIGHT.

YOU COULD HAVE BEEN
PICKED UP BY TED BUNDY.

DAD, KIM DOES IT
ALL THE TIME.

DON'T BE SO
OVERDRAMATIC.

WHAT, HER PARENTS
LET HER HITCHHIKE?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I BET SHE DOESN'T
EVEN HAVE PARENTS.

OF COURSE SHE DOES,
DAD.

MOM, YOU TALKED
TO HER MOM
ON THE PHONE.

WELL, MAYBE WE SHOULD
MEET HER.

I USED TO KNOW ALL
YOUR FRIENDS' PARENTS.

YOU KNOW...

WE SHOULD INVITE HER
OVER FOR DINNER.

GET ACQUAINTED.

YEAH.

MOM, NO. PLEASE?

YEAH, WELL, I THINK
SHE OUGHTA KNOW

WHAT A BAD INFLUENCE
HER DAUGHTER IS, DON'T YOU?

ALL RIGHT, GUYS,

LET'S PLAY
A LITTLE SOFTBALL.

PICK YOUR TEAM, GENTS.

OH, MAN, HERE WE GO.

I'VE GOT LEWIS.

GOT HUMPHRIES.

ATHCLIFF.

SHAWN!
PICK ME.

UM, JEREMY.

PICK ME, PICK ME.

WINNINGTON.

NO...HE SUCKS.

MIKE.

I'M GOOD.
JUSTIN.

HENRY.

OK, WHITE.

ALL RIGHT, DIVVY
'EM UP. LET'S GO.

COME ON.
LET'S GO.

THERE IS NO LANGUAGE
IN OUR LUNGS

TTELL THE WORLD
JUST HOW WE FEEL

NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO

BRIDGE OF THOUGHTS

NO MENTAL LINK

NO LETTING OUT
JUST WHAT YOU THINK

THERE IS NO LANGUAGE
IN OUR LUNGS

LUNGS, LUNGS, LUNGS

THERE IS NO MUSCLE
IN OUR TONGUES

TONGUES, TONGUES,
TONGUES

HEY.

HEY, NICK.

HOW'S IT GOIN'?

[BELL RINGS]

IT'S GOIN'.

GREAT.

YEAH.

IT IS GREAT.

IT'S NEVER
BEEN GREATER.

HEY.

HEY, KIM.

SO...WHAT HAPPENED
WITH YOUR PARENTS?

YOU, LIKE, GROUNDED?

OH, NOT EXACTLY.

MY PARENTS WANNA
MEET YOUR MOM.

WHAT?

YEAH, THEY WANNA
GET TO KNOW HER.

SHUT UP.

NO, I'M SERIOUS.

THEY'RE INVITING HER
OVER FOR DINNER.

COULD YOU BE
QUIET, PLEASE?

CLASS IS STARTING.

TODAY...WE ARE NOT
IN A CLASSROOM.

WE ARE IN A COFFEEHOUSE.

AND YOU ARE NOT STUDENTS.

YOU ARE BEAT POETS.

AND WE'RE GONNA
BE READING ALOUD.

HEY, BATTA-BATTA-BATTA.

SWING, BATTA-BATTA-BATTA.

MISS! BATTA--

COULD YOU BE
QUIET, PLEASE?

YEAH, I'M REALLY A SHORTSTOP.

IS THAT SO?

HEY, THEY GOT A MEETING
ON THE MOUND.

I WONDER WHAT
THEY'RE TALKIN' ABOUT.

YEAH...

MUST BE FASCINATING.

I HATE THIS.

THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

MAYBE I'M GOOD.

THEY DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE I'M UNBELIEVABLY GOOD.

BUT ARE THEY EVER
GONNA FIND OUT?

UH-UH. NO.

WHERE I CAN-
'CAUSE THEY NEVER
PUT ME IN A POSITION

-
WHERE I COULD CATCH
A STUPID BALL.

I HATE THEM.

MAYBE THEY'RE
SCARED OF YOU.

COME ON, LADIES.

MAYBE.

[WHISTLING]
HEY, CHUCK!

LOOK ALIVE OUT THERE!
COME ON!

LET'S PLAY SOME BALL.

UH-HUH. WAIT.

ALL THE TEACHERS'
NUMBERS ARE THERE?

YEAH.

OOH.

PHONE.

THINK WE COULD BE
ARRESTED FOR MAKING
PRANK CALLS?

AND WE'LL GET SENT
YEAH.TO TELEPHONE PRISON.

OH. HA HA.

[RING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

UH, HMM. HELLO?
COACH FREDRICKS?

YES.

THIS IS MR. CRISP.

GORDON CRISP'S
FATHER.

MR. CRISP?

UH, HOW ARE YOU?

NOT GOOD.
I WANT TO GIVE YOU
A PIECE OF MY MIND.

I THINK
IT'S VERY UNFAIR

THE WAY YOU'VE BEEN
RUNNING BASEBALL
IN GYM CLASS.

YOU ALWAYS LET
THE JOCK KIDS
RUN THE GAME.

NOW, SOME KIDS,
LIKE GORDON MY SON,

NEVER--NEVER
GET A CHANCE

'CAUSE YOU GUYS
THINK HE'S NOT
VERY GOOD.

FOR EXAMPLE,
HE MAY WANNA
PLAY SHORTSTOP,

BUT, UH, YEAH,
YOU NEVER GIVE HIM
A SHOT.

LOOK, I'M SORRY,
BUT, UH, YOU KNOW
I ALWAYS ASSUMED

GORDON, UH, DIDN'T
HAVE ANY INTEREST
IN SPORTS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

WELL, HE DOES.

DON'T JUDGE A BOOK
BY ITS COVER.

OH, I--I--I, UH,

I APOLOGIZE. ALL RIGHT?

I'LL RECTIFY
THE SITUATION
IMMEDIATELY.

OK, THEN.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD-BYE NOW.

ALL RIGHT, BYE.

GORDON CRISP!

I DID IT.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE TOTALLY
BOUGHT I

HE CALLED ME
MR. CRISP
AND EVERYTHING.

FELLAS, I JUST
CHANGED OUR LIVES.

OH, GREAT.

NOW WE'RE GONNA
HAVE TO ACTUALLY
PLAY BASEBALL.

THANKS A LOT.

I CAN'T WAIT
TILL TOMORROW.

YOU HAVE SUCH
A LOVELY HOUSE.

THANK YOU.

I HAD A BEAUTIFUL
HOUSE ONCE.

OH, YEAH.

UP ON MAPLE DRIVE.

MMM.

THEN KIM'S FATHER
LEFT ME WITH 2 KIDS,

AND A HUGE MORTGAGE
AND, WELL...

THAT'S LIFE, HUH?

I CAN'T IMAGINE
HOW DIFFICULT
IT MUST BE

TO RAISE
CHILDREN
BY YOURSELF.

OHIT ISN'T EASY.

CHIP, MY OLDEST, OH,
HE'S A DOLL.

HE'S GOT WATER
IN HIS BRAIN, BUT,
OH, HE'S A SWEET KID.

KIM, SHE'S
ANOTHER STORY.

YEAH, TELL US ABOUT KIM.

WELL SHE AIN'T
THE SHARPEST CRAYON
IN THE BOX.

SHE'S A BIG
PAIN IN THE NECK.

AND I KNOW SHE HATES ME
FOR BEING STRICT...

I GET WORRIED.

OF COURSE
YOU DO.

BECAUS

E I DON'T KNOW
WHAT SHE'S DOIN'
OUT THERE.

SHE LIES.

THESE GIRLS TODAY,
THEY ALL LIE.

SHE SAYS TO ME...

"I
MM-HMM.

'M GONNA GO STUDY
AT THE LIBRARY."

SHE GOES TO A PARTY.
SHE GETS LOADED.

SHE SAYS SHE'S
SEEIN' A MOVIE...

SHE'S FOOLIN' AROUND
WITH SOME GUY
IN THE BACK OF A VAN.

OH, MY.

WANT TO KNOW
HOW I FIND OUT?

HOW?

I READ HER DIARY.

I SNEAK INTO HER ROOM,
AND I READ IT.

OH, SHE WON'T
DO HER HOMEWORK,

BUT SHE'S GOT A FREAKIN'
NOVEL IN THERE.

I HAVE TO.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY
I GET THE TRUTH.

AND YOU WANNA
KNOW SOMETHIN'?

THE TRUTH IS VERY SCARY.

BECAUSE TIMES
HAVE CHANGED.

THESE GIRLS TODAY...

OH, THEY RUN WILD.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HEY.

SO HOW
WAS DINNER?

LINDSAY, YOUR MOTHER
AND I DON'T WANT YOU
SPENDING ANY MORE TIME

WITH KIM KELLY.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

NO, DAD,
SHE'S MY FRIEND.

I MEAN, YES,
SHE'S NOT LIKE
MILLIE, BUT--

NO, SHE'S NOT LIKE
MILLIE, ALL RIGHT.

SHE'S AS DUMB
AS A CRAYON.

EVEN HER OWN
MOTHER SAYS SO.

DAD, JUST BECAUSE
KIM'S MOTHER
IS INSANE--

NO, SHE'S NOT INSANE,
HONEY, SHE'S PRACTICALLY
A SAINT.

LINDSAY, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU PUT
A ROTTEN BANANA
IN A FRUIT BOWL?

ALL THE OTHER
BANANAS GO ROTTEN.

AND THAT'S WHAT
KIM KELLY IS:
A BAD BANANA.

MRS. KELLY HAD SOME
PRETTY ALARMING THINGS
TO TELL US ABOUT KIM.

LIKE WHAT?

THAT SHE EXPERIMENTS.

WITH DRUGS!

AND BOYS!

IS THAT TRUE, HONEY?

ENOUGH SAID.

NOW, NO MORE KIM KELLY!

YOU KNOW,
MAYBE SHE NEEDS
HER HEAD SHRUNK.

HAROLD...

IT'S ABOUT TRUST,
AND FRANKLY...

I DON'T THINK
I TRUST HER ANYMORE.

LINDSAY'S ALWAYS BEEN
VERY HONEST WITH US.

YEAH?

WELL, SHE TOLD US
SHE DIDN'T CHEAT.

AND WE BELIEVED HER.

WE ENDED UP WITH EGG
ON OUR FACES.

DOES LINDSAY
HAVE A DIARY?

YEAH. I THINK
I'VE SEEN HER
WRITING IN IT.

HAROLD, NO!

THAT IS HER
PRIVATE PROPERTY.

I JUST WANNA KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON.

I HAD A DIARY
WHEN I WAS LITTLE.

IF MY PARENTS HAD
READ IT, I WOULD'VE
BEEN FURIOUS.

IT'S SUCH
A VIOLATION.

SPOONING
WITH A STRANGER

IN THE BACK SEAT OA VAN,
THAT'S A VIOLATION!

SHE HASN'T DONE THAT.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
TO KNOW FOR SURE.

GOOD NIGHT, DEAR.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOTALL RIGHT, I WANT CRISP.

YOU HEARD HIM,
CRISP, COME ON.

JOIN YOUR TEAM.

YOU WANNA PLAY
SHORTSTOP?

NO. NO, I LIKE PLAYING
BACK-UP RIGHT.

YOU SURE?

YEAH, I LIKE
PLAYING BACK-UP.

I CAN PLAY SHORTSTOP.

YEAH. AND, UH, I'M
MARRIED TO RAQUEL WELCH.

IN MY DREAMS.

PHILLIPS, YOUR PICK.

ALL RIGHT,
I'M GONNA TAKE, UH,
NOT HAVERCHUCK.

HEH HEH. FUNNY.

HEY!

HEY, KIM.

SO MY MOM, LIKE,
LOVED YOUR PARENTS.

GUESS IT WENT ALL RIGHT.

YEAH, I GUESS.

WHAT DID YOUR
PARENTS SAY?

OH, THEY REALLY
LIKED YOUR MOM.

COOL. YOU KNOW, I'M
GLAD IT WORKED OUT.

AND THEY ALSO SAID...

OH, THEY'RE SUCH DORKS.

GET THIS.

I'M NOT ALLOWED
TO HANG OUT WITH YOU.

IT'LL BLOW OVER.

WE'VE JUST GOT
TO WAIT IT OUT
A WHILE, YOU KNOW?

OH.

WELL, WHAT DID
THEY SAY ABOUT ME?

I DON'T KNOW.

NO, YOU CAN TELL ME.

I'M INTERESTED.

HE SAID YOU'RE
A BAD BANANA.

AREN'T THEY QUEER?

YEAH, WHAT DOES
THAT MEAN, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS
LIKE A BAD INFLUENCE.

WELL, WHAT ELSE DID
THEY SAY ABOUT ME?

TELL ME!

[BELL RINGS]

KIM, I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE NOT SMART,
YOU DO DRUGS,
YOU HAVE SEX...

STUPID STUFF
LIKE THAT.

MY PARENTS
ARE MORONS, KIM.

WAIT. YOU DON'T
ACTUALLY THINK
THAT I CARE

ABOUT WHAT YOUR PARENTS
THINK OF ME, DO YOU?

NO. OF COURSE NOT.

NO.

LINDSAY!

MUEVES TU CULA.

UH, JUST A MINUTE.

EN ESPA}OL.

LO SIENTO SE}OR
O'HARA,

PERO ESTA HABLANDO
CON MI AMIGA.

ES IMPORTANTE.

LA CLASE
ES IMPORTANTE,
TAMBIEN.

YO SE, PERO PUEDE
ESTERAR UN MOMENTO
POR FAVOR.

KIM!

SE}ORITA, AHORA.

WHAT?

WELL, I'LL TALK
TO YOU LATER, RIGHT?

YEAH. SURE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

LINDSAY?

LINDSAY?

WHY DO YOU KEEP
CALLING HER NAME?

SHE'S IN SCHOOL,
FOR GOD'S SAKE.

MY HEART
IS RACING, HAROLD.

I DON'T THINK
WE SHOULD BE DOING THIS.

WELL, LOOK, JEAN,
WE WANNA FIND OUT

WHAT'S GOING ON
IN OUR DAUGHTER'S
LIFE, DON'T WE?

I MEAN, FOR ALL
WE KNOW, SHE COULD
BECOME A JUNKIE

OR A HOOKER!

HAROLD, SHE IS NOT
GONNA BECOME A HOOKER.

WELL, EVERYBODY'S
GOT PARENTS, JEAN.

EVEN HOOKERS.

REMEMBER THAT
TV MOVIE WE SAW?

SHH. HURRY UP.

THESE STAMPS...

I HEARD THE KIDS
PUT LSD ON
THE BACK OF THEM.

ARE YOU THERE, GOD?
IT'S ME, MARGARET.

WHAT?

OH, JUST THE NAME
OF A BOOK.

AHA! BIRTH CONTROL
PILLS.

OUR LITTLE DAUGHTER
WITH A...

SEWING KIT.

[WHISPING]
Harold...
WHAT?

Here it is.

YOU GOT IT?

WELL, COME ON.
BREAK IT OUT.

MAYBE WE SHOULD
DO THIS LATER.

NOW, JEAN, LOOK...

MY LUNCH HOUR'S
ALMOST OVER.

THE STORE'S NOT
GONNA RUN ITSELF.

COME ON, LET'S GO.
SHH-SHH.

"WARNING TO ALL SNOOPS!
DO NOT READ BEYOND THIS PAGE.

"IF YOU READ ON,
IT'S BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO LIFE
AND NOTHING BETTER TO DO

"THAN TO PRY INTO MINE.

"ANYONE WHO KEEPS
READING ON IS CURSED

AND WILL SUFFER
UNTIL THEY DIE A SLOW
AND PAINFUL DEATH."

WOO-OO-OO-OO!

REAL SCARED. READ ON!

WHAT'S IT Y
ABOUT KIM KELLY?

OH, NOTHING.
JUST THAT SHE THINKS
KIM HAS, UH...

WHAT?
WELL, UH, UH...

A DIFFERENT WORD
FOR COURAGE.

NOT...OH.

WELL, DOES IT SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT DRUGS?

POT? ACID?

I DON'T THINK SO.

WELL,
WHAT DOES IT SAY?

OH, HERE, HERE.
"I'M--I'M SICK OF LIVING

IN THIS CLAUSTROPHOBIC
SUBURBAN WORLD..."

OH, GET USED TO IT.

"WHERE EVERYONE IS
TRYING TO FIT IN.

"I FEEL LIKE
I LIVE IN A WORLD
OF SCARED ROBOTS.

"HONESTLY,
THIS IS TERRIBLE,

BUT 2 OF THE WORST ONES
ARE MOM AND DAD."

WHAT? WHAT DOES
THAT MEAN?

"THEY ARE THE MOST
BORING REPRESSED PEOPLE

ON THE FACE
OF THE ENTIRE EARTH."

REPRESSED?
I'LL REPRESS HER.

"THEY SAY THEY LOVE EACH
OTHER, BUT WHO KNOWS?

"IT'S PROBABLY JUST
PART OF THEIR ROUTINE.

ANYWAY, CAN ROBOTS
REALLY BE IN LOVE?"

HAROLD, I--I DON'T
THINK WE SULD
BE READING THIS.

YEAH--YEAH,
KEEP READING.

LET'S SEE...

"THEIR WHOLE LIFE IS
THIS MONOTONOUS ROUTINE.

"SHE COOKS DINNER,
PRACTICALLY THE SAME
MEAL EVERY NIGHT.

"HE COMES HOME
BARKING AT EVERYONE
LIKE A FASCIST DICTATOR

WHO'S SCARED HIS..."
[CHUCKLES]

WHAT?

"WHO'S SCARED
HIS PENIS WILL FALL OFF

WALK ALL OVER HER.

"I LOVE THEM, BUT IT'S
NOT THE LIFE FOR ME.

NOT THE LIFE FOR ME.

NO, THANK YOU."

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'LL GET IT
IN THE OTHER ROOM.

[RING]

THE WORST WOULD BE GETTING
EATEN ALIVE BY WOLVES.

FROM THE FEET UP.

UH-UH. NO.

IT'D BE WORSE
IF YOU WERE, LIKE,
A DEEP-SEA DIVER,

AND YOU CAME UP
TOO QUICK AND YOUR HEAD,
LIKE, EXPLODED.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S WORSE.
LOT OF PRESSURE--

YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS
ARE REALLY MORBID.

KIM, YOU ASKED
THE QUESTION.

YEAH, BUT I DIDN'T
THINK WE'D BE
TALKING ABOUT IT

FOR HALF AN HOUR.
HEY, GUYS.

HEY.

I GOTTA, UH...

GO TO SHOP CLASS.

I SORTA TOLD KEN
I'D MEET HIM THERE.

YEAH...YOU KNOW,
COME TO THINK OF IT...

I SHOULD PROBABLY
GET GOING, TOO.

'CAUSE I GOTTA GO...

YOU KNOW, DO DRUGS...

OH, YEAH, AND HAVE SEX.

WHAT?

LINDSAY KNOWS
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

OH...

IS THIS ABOUT
WHAT MY PARENTS SAID?

OH! YOU KNOW WHAT,
I TOLD YOU, LINDSAY,

I DON'T GIVE WHAT YOUR
PARENTS SAY ABOUT ME.

WELL, WHY ARE YOU SO MAD?

WELL, I DO GIVE WHAT
MY FRIENDS SAY ABOUT ME.

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.

UH, YOU SURE KNOW
HOW TO CLEAR A ROOM.

IS THIS THE BEST
CEREAL YOU'VE GOT?

I DON'T KNOW.

I NEVER EAT BREAKFAST.

I JUST HAVE MY COFFEE.

BEFORE OR AFTER
YOU SHAVE?

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY
SUGAR CEREALS?

NOT IN THIS HOUSE.
ROTS THE CHOPPERS.

HEY,AD.

OH, HEY,
DR. SCHWEIBER.

SAM, BILL.

GOT YOUR SHOES OFF?

GOOD.

SO YOU GUYS GOT BIG PLANS
FOR THE AFTERNOON?

NOT REALLY.

WE'RE GONNA MAKE
SOME PHONE CALLS.

IX-NAY IG-BAY OUTH-MAY.

HEY--HEY--HEY!

I SPEAK PIG LATIN,
TOO, YOU KNOW.

WHO YOU GUYS GONNA CALL?

MEAN PEOPLE.

OH. PRANK CALLS, HUH?

OH, WELL. BOYS WILL BE BOYS.

[CHUCKLING]
I COULD TELL YOU SOME
GREAT PRANK CALL STORIES.

REALLY?

ALL RIGHT.

JUST ONE.

WE USED TO PICK OUT
A NUMBER,

AND WE'D CALL IT OVER
AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

WE'D KEEP ASKING
FOR MAURICE, YOU KNOW?

WE'D CALL AND SAY,
"HELLO, IS MAURICE THERE?

"HELLO, IS MAURICE THERE?

HEY, IS MAURICE AT HOME?"

YOU GOT THE IDEA? WE'D CALL
FOR MAURICE A LOT.

WE'D CALL BACK AN HOUR LATER
AND GO, "HELLO. THIS IS
MAURICE. ANY MESSAGES?"

ANYWAY...

JUST KEEP IT CLEAN,
ALL RIGHT?

NO HEAVY BREATHING.

OK.
SEE YOU LATER,
SHORT-STUFF.

OK.

HEAVY BREATHING.
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

HE

Y, I THOUGHT
YOUR DAD WORKED
DURING THE DAY.

MMM. SOMETIMES
HE COMES HOME
TO CHANGE HIS SHIRT.

ROOT CANALS
MAKE HIM SWEATY.

LISTEN TO THIS.
THIS IS GONNA BE GOOD.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[RING]

HELLO?

Bill: FREDRICKS?

YOU'RE A TURD.
A STINKY, FAT TURD.

GO SNIFF
A JOCKSTRAP,
YOU POOP-HEAD.

YOU LOVE PATTING
BOYS' BUTTS.

YOU LOVE PATTING
BOYS' BUTTS.

BUTT--
YOU BUTT PATTER.

YOU'RE A PERV
AND A LOSER...

AND A STINKY...TURD.

WHO WAS THAT?

IT'S, UH, AN OLD FRIEND.

OH-HO.

OH, YOU BETTER
HOPE HE DOESN'T
FIND YOU OUT.

YOU KNOW, IF THE COPS
TRACE THAT...

YOU'RE SO DEAD.

NO, IF THE COPS TRACE
THE CALL, YOU'RE DEAD.

WHO DOES SHE
THINK SHE IS, ANYWAY?

I DON'T KNOW.

LET'S TALK ABOUT IT
FOR 4 MORE HOURS
AND TRY TO FIND OUT.

OH! AND YOU SHOULD'VE
HEARD HER SPEAKING SPANISH.

"UN MOMENT--UN MOMENT.
KIM--KIM!"

OH, THAT SOUNDS
TERRIBLE.

YEAH. SHE THINKS SHE'S
THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND
OR SOMETHING.

HMM.

OH, MAN!

YOU KNOW, WILL YOU
GET ME A STICK?

I'M GONNA KILL
THAT DOG!

GROSS.

I MEAN,
WHO ARE THEY,
YOU KNOW?

THE GREAT WEIRS
TO CALL ME A WHORE
AND A DRUG ADDICT?

WELL, THEY DIDN'T
ACTUALLY CALL YOU
A WHORE AND A DRUG ADDICT.

BASICALLY, THEY DID.

AND...I'M NOT
JUST SOME WHORE,
YOU KNOW?

THEY JUST CAN'T
TAKE IT THAT I HAVE
SEX, YOU KNOW?

THEY'RE AFRAID
SOME BAD MAN'S
GONNA COME ALONG

AND SOIL THEIR
PERFECT LITTLE
DAUGHTER.

WELL, YOU DO HAVE SEX.

WELL, YEAH.
WITH YOU.

YEAH, AND I'M A BAD MAN.

WHAT THE HELL
IS THAT SUPPOSED
TO MEAN?

I DON'T KNOW.

IF I HAD SOME
DAUGHTER IN HIGH SCHOOL,

I WOULDN'T WANT SOME GUY
CRAWLIN' ALL OVER HER.

WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M JUST SAYING
IT'S NOT LIKE THEY
DON'T HAVE A POINT.

I MEAN, WHO WANTS
THEIR KID TO HAVE SEX
AND DO DRUGS?

NOBODY.

YOU'RE A JERK.

HEY, DON'T
GET MAD AT ME.

I'M JUST TRYIN'
TO BE RATIONAL.

ARE YOU CALLING ME
IRRATIONAL?

BECAUSE I'LL TEAR
YOUR HEAD OFF, DANIEL.

I'LL TEAR IT OFF,
AND I'LL THROW IT
OVER THAT FENCE.

HEY.

I'M NOT SAYING
I DON'T LOVE YOU.

I LIKE THE WAY
YOU ARE.

YOU PROBABLY JUST
SCARE THE HELL
OUT OF THEM.

OH. AND HOW AM I?

YOU...

ARE A SEX-CRAZED
DRUG ADDICT.

SCREW YOU!

HEY, COME ON.

I DIDN'T
MEAN NOTHIN'.

I'M JUST TRYIN'
TO SPICE UP
THE CONVERSATION.

SAM, YOU GETTING
A KICKBACK FROM
THE FIRE DEPARTMENT?

NO. MOM WAS THE ONE
WHO PUT THE CANDLES
ON THE TABLE.

OK. I'VE GOT SOMETHING
SPECIAL FOR US TONIGHT.

TA-DA!

WHAT THE HELL?

UH, HAROLD,
THEY'RE CORNISH GAME HEN
WITH A PLUM WINE SAUCE.

THEY'RE FANTASTIC.

WHAT'D YOU DO,
PUT POISON IN
A BIRD FEEDER?

THEY'RE EXOTIC.

IS IT A PIGEON?

IT IS NOT A PIGEON.

IT'S A KIND OF A CHICKEN.

JEAN, YOU KNOW
WE CAN AFFORD TO BUY
FULLY GROWN CHICKENS.

THAT-A-GIRL, LINDSAY.

IT'S GOOD TO TRY NEW THINGS.

LINDSAY, WATCH OUT!

THAT LITTLE MINIATURE
BIRD OF YOURS IS
TRYING TO ESCAPE!

BUT DON'T WORRY!

MY LITTLE CHICKEN
WILL HELP HIM

'CAUSE I'M A BRAVE
LITTLE CHICKEN!

I'M THE HERO, AM I NOT?

YES! IS THAT RIGHT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

FOLLOW ME! WE WILL GO!
LET'S TAKE OFF! WHOA!

WHOO!

WHOO!

HEY, MOM, DAD'S
PLAYING WITH HIS FOOD.

WELL, IT'S BETTER
THAN EATING IT.

JUST TRY IT.

THEY'RE DELICIOUS.

HELP YOURSELF TO MINE.

I'M GONNA GO
MAKE A SANDWICH.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

SIT DOWN.

HAROLD, IF YOU'RE
NOT GONNA EAT,

HELP CLEAR THE TABLE.

WHAT?

THAT'S NOT MY JOB.

OH, BUT IT'S MINE?

YES.

YOU DON'T
RUN A STORE
FOR 12 HOURS A DAY.

ALL RIGHT, SETTLE DOWN.

DON'T BOTHER CHANGING YET.

OH, GREAT.
SCOLIOSIS TESTING AGAIN.

SHUT IT.

I'VEOT SOMETHING SERIOUS
TO SAY.

I'VE BEEN GETTING PRANK
PHONE CALLS AT MY HOUSE.

NOW, I KNOW WE GOT
A LOT OF JOKERS HERE,

A LOT OF FUNNY GUYS.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT YOU'RE DOING
IS NOT FUNNY.

IT'S ANNOYING.

MORE IMPORTANTLY,
IT'S ILLEGAL.

SO I WANT EVERY ONE
OF YOU COMEDIANS

IN MY OFFICE
ONE AT A TIME.

LET'S GO.

SMOOTH MOVE,
ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL.

READ IT.

AHEM.

"YOU...ARE A TURD.

A STINKY TURD."

"GO SNIFF A JOCKSTRAP,
YOU POOP-HEAD."

"HEY, FREDRICKS, YOU LOVE
PATTING BOYS' BUTTS.

YOU LOVE PATTING
BOYS' BUTTS."

YOU ARE A DIMWIT...

AND AN IMBECILE.

I BLOW MY NOSE IN YOUR
GENERAL DIRECTION.

THAT'S NOT IN THERE.

IT ISN'T?

"HEY, FREDRICKS,

"YOU LOVE PATTING
BOYS' BUTTS.

"YOU LOVE PATTING
BOYS' BUTTS.

BUTT, BUTT...PATTER."

START IT AGAIN.
MAKE IT LOWER.

"HEY, FREDRICKS,

YOU LOVE PATTING
BOYS' BUTTS."

HA HA HA HA!

"YOU'RE A PERV...

"AND A LOSER...

AND A TURD."

"GO SNIK A--

GO SNIFF..."

SNIFF?

SNIFF.

"A JOCKSTRAP,
YOU POOP-HEAD."

"YOUARE A TURD,

"A STINKY TURD.

GO SNIFF A JOCKSTRAP,
YOU POOP-HEAD."

JEEZ, COACH, THIS IS HARSH.

HA HA HA HA!

[IMITATING WILLIAM SHATNER]
"YOU'RE A PERV AND A LOSER

AND A TURD."

YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU DO SPOCK?

ALL RIGHT? GO AHEAD.
DO LEONARD NIMOY.

AHEM.

LOW.

SPEAK LOW.

"YOU'RE A--
YOU'RE A PERV...

"AND A LOSER...

AND A...TURD."

OK. I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.

, YOU THINK
YOU'RE A COMEDIAN, HMM?

WHY DON'T YOU
TELL ME A JOKE?

A--A JOKE?

MM-HMM.

COME ON.
GIMME SOMETHING
TO MAKE ME LAUGH.

I DON'T KNOW.

OK. A GUY GOES INTO A BAR
WITH A PIG WITH A WOODEN LEG.

SEE, I DON'T
STIFLE.

THINK
WE SHARE A SIMILAR
SENSE OF HUMOR.

I DIDN'T DO IT
TO BE FUNNY.

YEAH?

SO YOU DID IT TO,
UH, TO WHAT?

TO BE EDUCATIONAL?

IT'S NOT FAIR.

OK, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE FORGETS
WHO GETS PICKED LAST.

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN
PICKED LAST.

EVERYONE KNOWS.
GIRLS KNOW.

AND THE THING IS,
I MIGHT NOT BE BAD.

I NEVER GET BETTER BECAUSE
I'M NEVER GIVEN THE CHANCE.

BUT I COULD BE GOOD.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
I KNOW I COULD BE GOOD.

BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOU GET PICKED LAST.

YES, IT IS.

I MEAN, YOU'VE GOT
ALL THE POWER.

YOU COULD CHANGE
EVERYTHING.

AND HOW WOULD I DO THAT?

SIMPLE.

LET ME PICK THE TEAMS.

HEY, LINDSAY...

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

YOU GOTTA TALK TO KIM.

WHY? DOES SHE
WANNA TALK TO ME?

I DON'T KNOW,

BUT YOU GOTTA
DO SOMETHING.

SHE'S DRIVING ME NUTS.

SHE'S BITCHING NONSTOP
ABOUT HER MOM, YOU,

YOUR PARENTS.

I'M DYING.

WHY IS SHE GOING
SO CRAZY?

SHE SAYS YOU DIDN'T
STICK UP FOR HER.

I TRIED.

SHE'S STILL MAD.

I KNOW, BUT MOSTLY
JUST HER FEELINGS ARE HURT.

OH, REALLY?

HMM. THOUGHT KIM WAS
TOO TOUGH TO HAVE
HER FEELINGS HURT.

YEAH, RIGHT.

KIM?

SHE'S LIKE THE RAWEST NERVE
THERE IS.

YEAH. SHE'S LIKE
A BODY WITHOUT SKIN.

SHE'S LIKE A BLOODY--

OK! I GET IT.

CAN YOU DO IT SOON?

'CAUSE SHE'S REALLY
BEING A PAIN IN MY ASS.

YEAH, OK.

GREAT. I OWE YOU MY LIFE.

THANKS.

ALL RIGHT!

HAVERCHUCK H

ERE IS
ONE OF OUR CAPTAINS TODAY.

SHOULDN'T
THE TEAM CAPTAIN

TUALLY KNOW HOW
TO PLAY BASEBALL?

DON'T QUESTION ME,
PEOPLE, OK?

WHO'S THE OTHER CAPTAIN?

GORDON CRISP.

GORDON CRISP IT IS.

COME ON.

OK. WHO SHOULD I
PICK FIRST?

I NEED A POWER HITTER
WHO CAN HUSTLE IN THE FIELD,

WITH A STRONG ARM.

GIMME WEIR.

COME ON, WEIR.

YES! HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

GIMME LEWIS.

UM...

NOW, WE NEED A LITTLE SPEED
AROUND THE BASE PADS.

UH, SCHWEIBER.
COME ON, SCHWEIBER.

YES!

YEAH!

YEAH, YEAH!

OH, MAN, THE GEEKS HAVE
INHERITED THE EARTH.

TODAY WE ARE GOING TO
CONTINUE OUR DISCUSSION
OFON THE ROAD.

MS. PROETZEL'S COMMENTS
LAST TIME ABOUT
PIONEER SYMBOLISM

WERE PARTICULARLY
INTERESTING.

. KELLY, I AM SURE
THAT YOU HAVE SOME
ORIGINAL INSIGHTS.

TELL ME, WHAT,
IN YOUR OPINION,

IS THE THEME
OFON THE ROAD?

THE THEME...
OFON THE ROAD

IS...

THE THEME'S ABOUT...

THE THEME IS...

AMERICA

AND...

BEING...

ON THE ROAD.

ON THE ROADIS ABOUT
BEING ON THE ROAD.

[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD.

YOU...GO ON.

I HATED THE BOOK,
ALL RIGHT?

I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT IT'S ABOUT,

AND THE WRITER WAS CLEARLY
ON DRUGS WHEN HE WROTE IT.

I MEAN, IT WENT ON
AND ON AND ON,

LIKE IT WAS WRITTEN
IN A TOTAL HURRY.

IF I HANDED IN
SOMETHING LIKE THIS,

THERE'S NO WAY I'D GET
A GOOD GRADE ON IT.

I MEAN, IT'S BORING,
AND IT'S UNORGANIZED,

AND I ONLY READ
30 PAGES OF IT ANYWAY.

WELL, THAT WAS
PASSIONATE,

ALBEIT ENTIRELY
MISINFORMED.

WHO DARES FOLLOW
MISS KELLY'S
LUCID ANALYSIS, HMM?

YES.

WELL, I THINK KIM'S RIGHT.

KEROUAC WAS HIGH
ON BENZEDRINE

DURING THE 3 WEEKS HE TOOK
TO WRITEON THE ROAD.

THE STRUCTURE OF THE STORY
ISN'T STRONG,

AND HIS EXPERIMENTS WITH
PROSE STYLE ARE TEDIOUS.

IN FACT, TRUMAN CAPOTE SAID
ABOUTON THE ROAD,

"THAT ISN'T WRITING.
IT'S TYPING."

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE.

WHAT THE HELL
DOES THAT MEAN?

[LAUGHTER]

HEY, MAN, SURE HAD A LOT OF FUN
WITH YOUR WIFE LAST NIGHT.

MY WHAT?

BALL 4. TAKE YOUR BASE.

I MEAN,
A LOT OF FUN!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
ARE YOU HURT?

UM...TIME!

ALL RIGHT, TIME OUT!

WHAT? I TOLD YOU
I COULDN'T PITCH.

IT'S NOT ABOUT
YOUR PITCHING, SAM.

THEN WHAT ARE YOU
DOING OUT HERE?

I JUST ALWAYS WANTED TO CALL
A MEETING ON THE MOUND.

THIS IS SO COOL.

HEY.

MEETING
ON THE MOUND?

VERY COOL.

LISTEN, BILL,
I'VE GOT NOTHING LEFT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET
ONE OF THOSE JOCKS PITCH?

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

THIS ISOURGAME.

WE CAN DO THIS.

I DON'T WANT THEM TO THINK
THEY WERE RIGHT

FOR PUTTING ME
IN DEEP RIGHT FIELD
FOR 11 YEARS.

COME ON!

COME ON!

HE'STHE BUTT PATTER.

UGH!

[THEME FROM ROCKYPLAYING]

YEAH! HA HA HA!

TAG UP!

WE DID IT!
WE DID IT!

TAG UP!

THAT'S THE FIRST OUT,
YOU MORONS!

HUH?
OH.

WELL...

ONLY 8 2/3 MORE INNINGS
TO GO.

YEAH!

HA HA!

YOU SEE THAT?
I LOOKED LIKE WILLIE MAYS!

HEY, KIM, KIM.

KIM!

YEAH?

CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A MINUTE?

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
RIGHT NOW?

NOTHING.

DO YOU WANNA
COME OVER MY HOUSE?

I THOUGHT
WE COULD HANG OUT.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT
YOUR PARENTS?

WHAT ABOUT THEM?

DANIEL,
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

I'M GONNA GO OVER
TO LINDSAY'S.

OK. LATER.

GOD, THIS IS GOOD.

ANOTHER DAY
OF HANGING OUT
WITH HIM,

WITH HIM,

AND I'D
PUKE MY GUTS OUT.

SWEAR TO GOD.

JEAN, IS THE GROCERY STORE
OUT OF NORMAL FOOD?

IS THAT THE PROBLEM?

THIS IS NORMAL FOOD.

NO. NORMAL FOOD IS
POT ROAST.

NORMAL FOOD IS MEAT LOAF.

IT IS DEAD ANIMAL,
AND IT IS NOT ON FIRE.

NO! NO! NO, NO!

MAYBE SOME OF US ARE UP
FOR SOMETHING A LITTLE
DIFFERENT AROUND HERE.

DON'T YOU WANNA
LIVE LIFE, HAROLD?

OR MAYBE YOU'VE
JUST TURNED INTO
A MEAN OLD MAN.

[SOBBING]

DON'T YOU RUN AWAY FROM ME!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH US,
HAROLD?

WHAT'S HAPPENED TO US?

WE NEED CHANGE,
DON'T WE?

THINGS
NEED TO CHANGE.

I DON'T WANT US
TO JUST BE ROBOTS.

WE ARE NOT ROBOTS,

AND THINGS DO NOT
NEED TO CHANGE.

I LIKE HOW THINGS ARE.

I LIKE EATING
THE SAME THINGS.

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE THOSE ARE
THE THGS I LIKE.

I LIKE CHICKEN,
AND I LIKE POT ROAST.

AND THAT'S HOW I FEEL
ABOUT YOU, JEAN.

OH, PLEASE.

YOU LIKE ME LIKE YOU
LIKE A POT ROAST?

I LOVE POT ROAST!

GOD, YOU JUST
DON'T GET IT, DO YOU?!

I GIVE UP! I QUIT!

IS THAT RIGHT?

YES! YOU DON'T
APPRECIATE ME.

MAYBE I'LL GO BACK
TO SCHOOL.

WHAT ABOUT THAT?

YOU THINK
I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU?

WELL, I DO.

EVERYTHING I DO,
I DO TO SERVE YOU.

I THINK OF YOU WHEN I'M...

STOCKING FISHING POLES,
AND...

I THINK OF YOU WHEN I'M
ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT
CROSS-COUNTRY SKI WAX.

MY WHOLE LIFE
IS ABOUT SERVING YOU.

AND I LOVE YOU, JEAN.

THANK YOU.

REALLY?

MOM, DAD, WE'RE HOME.

OOH.

IS THIS WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

UGH.

MOM?

MOM?

MOM? DAD?

Jean: HA HA HA!
Harold: GRR! GRR!

EWW!

OH, GO

D.
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

NEAL!

THOSE ARE MY PARENTS!

OK, OK.

GOD, YOU'RE GROSS.

WHAT?

HEY, LINDS...

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TRYING TO DO,

BUT, YOU KNOW,
WE DON'T HAVE
TO DO THIS.

NO.

I WANT TO.

ALL RIGHT, BUT IF THEY
CALL THE COPS ON ME,

I'M OUTTA HERE.

Neal: HEY, LINDSAY.

I WAS CATCHER
IN GYM CLASS TODAY.

THAT'S GREAT, NEAL.

WHERE'S MOM AND DAD?

IN THEIR ROOM.

YEAH, THEY'VE
BEEN IN THERE
FOR OVER AN HOUR.

ARE THEY FIGHTING?

NO.

OH! HI, SWEETIE!

HI, MOM.

UH, I THINK WE'RE GONNA
ORDER FOOD IN TONIGHT,

SO MAYBE YOU COULD CALL
A PIZZA PLACE

AND HAVE THEM DELIVER.

Harold: JEAN!

HEY, DAD...

KIM'S HERE.

SHE GAVE ME
A RIDE HOME
FROM SCHOOL.

HI, MR. WEIR.

NICE TO SEE YOU, KIM.

THANKS FOR GIVING
LINDSAY A RIDE HOME.

JEAN, COULD I HAVE
A WORD WITH YOU, PLEASE?

YEAH. YOUR FATHER
AND I ARE GONNA
BE IN OUR ROOM,

SO LET US KNOW WHEN
THE FOOD GETS HERE.

YOU KIDS PLAY NICE
NOW, YOU HEAR?

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
DREAMWORKS TELEVISION, L.L.C.

OH, MY GOD.

LINDSAY...

YOUR PARENTS ARE SWINGERS.