Freakazoid! (1995–1997): Season 2, Episode 9 - Two Against Freak - full transcript
[NARRATOR SPEAKING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
COSGRO VE: I've been on the job
a long time. I got a lot of experience.
After a while you get so much experience
that you can sense when a crime happens.
Usually it's a feeling
that something isn't right in the city.
I don't know what you'd call the...
Wait.
Burglary in progress. Come on.
[CAMERAMAN PANTING]
CAMERAMAN:
Oh, no.
[CAMERAMAN GRUNTS]
CAMERAMAN: Wait a minute.
- Hurry up.
- There's a burglar in that house.
- I know, but...
[CAMERAMAN GASPING]
You okay?
CAMERAMAN:
No.
Your face is blue.
COSGRO VE: Now, get up
and turn your camera back on.
Hey, you. Put that TV back.
I'm sorry, man.
Don't just dump it on the floor.
Rehook the cable. Then get out here.
- You're under arrest.
- Yes, sir.
Police work is like that:
Part instinct, part luck.
You still look kind of blue.
Cosgrove's busy with Real Life Police.
That's one less pest to worry about.
[CHUCKLING]
[HISSES]
[HISSES]
Everything ready for tomorrow?
Yes.
Oh, that's jiffy.
He didn't say a word
about my new Japanese lanterns.
Well, I think they're bright and cheerful.
RODD Y:
All is peace. All is calm.
Within the silence of yourself, lad, reach out
with your mind and raise up the brick.
[GRUNTING]
- Ow!
- A wee bit more control.
Once again.
No way, Roddy.
I'm sick of this telekinesis stuff.
Why do I have to learn to move things
with my mind?
Strength and speed
will only take you so far, lad.
It got me a second season.
You can't count on that.
Networks are fickle.
They can drop you like a man
with big, oak fingers.
So what? Will they like me...
...if I have the power
to make things hit me in the head?
- Is this a good skill?
- Learn to do it right.
Now, try again
or you'll get nothing for supper...
...but a piece of leather
and a blatherskite.
What's a blatherskite?
It's a piece of leather! Now, concentrate.
But I'm supposed to guard
that diamond hat of the czars tonight.
You've got plenty of time. Just relax.
All is peace. All is calm.
Within the silence of yourself...
...reach out with your mind
and raise that brick.
- Ahh...
FREAKAZOID: Aah!
Oh, crud!
[CHATTERING]
[GIBBERING]
[CAVE GUY RO ARING]
Snap out of it.
Cave Guy's here and he's closing fast.
All is brick.
[LAUGHING]
A vast river of woe is heading our way.
Come to your senses now.
What? What's wrong?
[CROWD SCREAMING]
Will you hug me? I'm needy.
Go to work.
Crud!
[GRO ANING]
Stand back or face the wrath
of my new telekinetic mind power.
Is this another of your little jokes,
Freakazoid?
You asked for it.
How about a nice transparent prison cell?
All is peace.
All is calm.
[CHUCKLING]
[FREAKAZOID GRUNTING]
[LAUGHING]
What do you know? Freak under glass.
Oh, my, that was rich.
[RODD Y GRUNTING]
Crud!
CAVE GUY:
Hey, Fido, let's go.
Keep working on your new power,
Freakazoid.
Practice makes imperfect.
[CHUCKLING]
- Lad, are you all right?
- Brick.
- What?
- Brick, brick.
You know where to go with this?
[HISSING]
I'm going to assume that meant "yes."
A splendid night's work.
[SINGING]
I've got a date with the Cobra Queen
Her skin is green
I think that's keen
DISPATCHER [ON RADIO]:
Mobile Unit 6...
[DISPATCHER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
This is Mobile Unit 6.
I don't understand a word you're saying.
Mobile Unit 6, out.
COSGRO VE: Right now, we're gonna
go check on a buddy of mine.
- Say "ah."
- Ah. Brick.
The kid isn't doing too good.
I blame myself, Cosgrove.
I pushed him too hard.
Anger and pride
led me down the wrong path.
But I've learned. From now on, I'll keep
my temper in check and my lip buttoned.
Scram, you pair of knobby-headed goons.
This is a private conversation.
You guys get some coffee
and meet me in the car.
Get me some coffee too. And a cruller.
What happened to Freakazoid?
He hit himself in the head
with a brick 38 times.
Then the brick split in half.
I see.
Was this a karate test of some kind?
Not precisely.
I'm afraid the stress
has caused him to mentally withdraw.
But I have a plan to shock him out of it.
Now, Freakazoid,
I'm gonna show you some items.
I want you to say out loud what they are.
What's this?
Pen, brick.
Pencil, brick.
Brick! Oh!
Brick!
[SOBBING]
He'll be fine.
He just needs to rest.
We'll have to get
that diamond hat back ourselves.
Aye. It's probably in Cobra Queen's lair.
Deep in the sewers.
And that means we'll have to walk
through doody water.
[GAGGING]
And so I said,
"What do you know? Freak under glass."
[LAUGHING]
Was he upset?
Upset? He probably didn't get it.
[LAUGHING]
Naturally, they'll search the sewers
for the diamond hat.
And find nothing.
Your hiding place was flawless:
Uncle Buzzy's Funland.
It's been closed for eons.
Uh, pardon me, old man,
but the French onion soup is a bit off.
Take it back or I'll rip you in half.
Are we simpatico?
Oh, absolutely, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
You're very masterful with the help.
"Friendly but never familiar."
That's what Dad always said.
You know, Audrey, I only come here
after special robberies.
How sweet of you to say.
After a robbery I usually go back
to the sewers...
...put on something special
and listen to the Ray Conniff Singers.
Care to join me sometime, Royce?
Yes. Ha-ha-ha.
Not to trod old ground...
...but are we certain the diamond hat
is absolutely secure?
My snakes will destroy anyone
who discovers it.
Good. That won't be Freakazoid.
Last I saw, he was surrounded
by more glass than a jar of pickles.
[LAUGHING]
COSGRO VE:
This place stinks.
What do they call "poo gas" in Scotland?
- Crud vapors.
- Ha.
Crud vapors. I like that.
Hold it.
It's from Joe the announcer.
NARRATOR:
Dear Cosgrove and Roddy.
Go up this ladder. It will lead you
to the diamond hat of the czars.
Freakazoid yells at me
for giving away plot point, but I don't care.
I'm more than just an unseen,
booming voice.
I'm a man with my own dreams.
Sincerely, Joe the announcer.
Could it be a trap of some kind?
No. That's our announcer.
He's just trying to pad his part.
- All right. Let's get cracking.
- Yeah.
This sewer smells like crud vapors.
NARRATOR:
I have an important announcement.
But I'm not going to make it.
I wouldn't want to be accused
of padding my part.
I used to come here to Uncle Buzzy's
when I was a kid.
We'd eat a bunch of hot dogs,
then go on the rides...
...and throw up.
You're lucky. When I was a lad
in Fennybrook, all we had...
...was a coal bucket pulled around
by a fat, bald goat.
That's tough.
- Did you throw up?
- No, we didn't throw up!
The goat wasn't fast enough!
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TELEVISION]
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
Ahh. There's nothing like watching Hero Boy
and sipping on some good hospital water.
[YELLING]
You said this was a good hiding place.
There's no overhead cover.
I always liked the Little Tea Cup Ride.
Crud!
Excuse me? Nurse.
Could I get some water, please?
Doctor's orders.
I'm supposed to stay in bed
and drink plenty of fluids.
I'm in bed. I'd like more fluids!
Help! There's a bear in here!
Save me!
Bring water with you when you come!
Typical. Just typical.
Every nurse on the floor
is probably watching some soap opera.
I could perish from thirst like
some old prospector in the desert...
...for all they care. They'll come in later,
all chipper, "How are we this morning?
Here, have a pill."
All they'll find are my bleached bones.
Thanks. Then they'll cry:
"Oh, no. Why didn't we bring him water?
We were selfish and dumb."
Whoa.
Did I with the water make and do?
This is great.
Wait until Roddy hears about this.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
We interrupt our regular program...
...for this Channel 3
late-breaking bulletin.
Channel 3's own Real Life Police crew
is broadcasting live...
...from Uncle Buzzy's Funland.
One of Cobra Queen's snakes
has Sergeant Mike Cosgrove...
...and an unidentified Scotsman
trapped in the Little Tea Cup Ride.
We'll have further reports
as they develop.
And now back to Teen Chat
with Dr. Henry Kissinger.
They can't do that to my pals.
Cut it out.
There's a fumble for our team.
We'll get it back.
How in blazes do you suppose
Cosgrove and MacStew found this place?
I'll bet the announcer ratted us out.
He does that sometimes.
That's hardly sporting.
Stop picking on my friends.
You big dumb head.
- Good work, lad.
- Yeah.
Of course, I softened him up for you.
You guys hang back.
This isn't gonna be pretty.
Give me that diamond hat right now.
Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin.
Take it, Freakazoid. If you can
get by us and my biggest snake.
[LAUGHING]
[GROWLS]
[YELLING]
By the soiled trousers of Argus.
The lad's done it.
What were the czars thinking...
...when they glued these diamonds
on the ugliest hat in the world?
I saw that coming a mile away.
[GROWLS]
Freakazoid must pay.
Fine with moi.
[YELLING]
Oh, you guys really frost me.
[GRUNTS]
COBRA QUEEN:
Hey!
COBRA QUEEN: Don't let that
diamond hat get away! Get it!
CAVE GUY:
Get out of my way.
BOTH:
Oh...
[PANTING]
Bingo.
Why did Freakazoid give up so easily?
The man's a buffoon.
He probably forgot
he was supposed to catch us.
[YELLING]
I did that with my mind.
Yecch.
I feel like the floor of a movie theater.
NARRATOR: And so the diamond hat
of the czars was returned.
While Cosgrove bid a fond farewell
to the crew from Real Life Police.
We've been through a lot together.
Now, go away.
Cobra Queen's snakes
were taken off to giant-snake prison.
And Cobra Queen and Cave Guy
were taken to regular prison.
Tell me more about my eyes.
I love the way you say "eyes."
[BOTH LAUGHING]
From everything you've told me,
your telekinetic powers only work...
...when you're really angry.
Then I'll only use them
when I'm really angry.
That's what I just said.
Can you hear, or is there a goblin
in your head eating my words?
I don't think there's a goblin up there.
Hey, I just remembered.
Webby's Vest World is gonna display
the nation's largest cowboy fringe vest.
They're gonna set it up
in the lobby in an hour...
...but we'd have to leave now
to get good seats. Who's in?
- Who could possibly be out?
- Aye.
I've seen many a strange thing in my time,
but never a giant cowboy fringe vest.
Then let's all together go now.
By the soiled trousers of Argus.
[ENGLISH SDH]
ON-SCREEN TEXT]
COSGRO VE: I've been on the job
a long time. I got a lot of experience.
After a while you get so much experience
that you can sense when a crime happens.
Usually it's a feeling
that something isn't right in the city.
I don't know what you'd call the...
Wait.
Burglary in progress. Come on.
[CAMERAMAN PANTING]
CAMERAMAN:
Oh, no.
[CAMERAMAN GRUNTS]
CAMERAMAN: Wait a minute.
- Hurry up.
- There's a burglar in that house.
- I know, but...
[CAMERAMAN GASPING]
You okay?
CAMERAMAN:
No.
Your face is blue.
COSGRO VE: Now, get up
and turn your camera back on.
Hey, you. Put that TV back.
I'm sorry, man.
Don't just dump it on the floor.
Rehook the cable. Then get out here.
- You're under arrest.
- Yes, sir.
Police work is like that:
Part instinct, part luck.
You still look kind of blue.
Cosgrove's busy with Real Life Police.
That's one less pest to worry about.
[CHUCKLING]
[HISSES]
[HISSES]
Everything ready for tomorrow?
Yes.
Oh, that's jiffy.
He didn't say a word
about my new Japanese lanterns.
Well, I think they're bright and cheerful.
RODD Y:
All is peace. All is calm.
Within the silence of yourself, lad, reach out
with your mind and raise up the brick.
[GRUNTING]
- Ow!
- A wee bit more control.
Once again.
No way, Roddy.
I'm sick of this telekinesis stuff.
Why do I have to learn to move things
with my mind?
Strength and speed
will only take you so far, lad.
It got me a second season.
You can't count on that.
Networks are fickle.
They can drop you like a man
with big, oak fingers.
So what? Will they like me...
...if I have the power
to make things hit me in the head?
- Is this a good skill?
- Learn to do it right.
Now, try again
or you'll get nothing for supper...
...but a piece of leather
and a blatherskite.
What's a blatherskite?
It's a piece of leather! Now, concentrate.
But I'm supposed to guard
that diamond hat of the czars tonight.
You've got plenty of time. Just relax.
All is peace. All is calm.
Within the silence of yourself...
...reach out with your mind
and raise that brick.
- Ahh...
FREAKAZOID: Aah!
Oh, crud!
[CHATTERING]
[GIBBERING]
[CAVE GUY RO ARING]
Snap out of it.
Cave Guy's here and he's closing fast.
All is brick.
[LAUGHING]
A vast river of woe is heading our way.
Come to your senses now.
What? What's wrong?
[CROWD SCREAMING]
Will you hug me? I'm needy.
Go to work.
Crud!
[GRO ANING]
Stand back or face the wrath
of my new telekinetic mind power.
Is this another of your little jokes,
Freakazoid?
You asked for it.
How about a nice transparent prison cell?
All is peace.
All is calm.
[CHUCKLING]
[FREAKAZOID GRUNTING]
[LAUGHING]
What do you know? Freak under glass.
Oh, my, that was rich.
[RODD Y GRUNTING]
Crud!
CAVE GUY:
Hey, Fido, let's go.
Keep working on your new power,
Freakazoid.
Practice makes imperfect.
[CHUCKLING]
- Lad, are you all right?
- Brick.
- What?
- Brick, brick.
You know where to go with this?
[HISSING]
I'm going to assume that meant "yes."
A splendid night's work.
[SINGING]
I've got a date with the Cobra Queen
Her skin is green
I think that's keen
DISPATCHER [ON RADIO]:
Mobile Unit 6...
[DISPATCHER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
This is Mobile Unit 6.
I don't understand a word you're saying.
Mobile Unit 6, out.
COSGRO VE: Right now, we're gonna
go check on a buddy of mine.
- Say "ah."
- Ah. Brick.
The kid isn't doing too good.
I blame myself, Cosgrove.
I pushed him too hard.
Anger and pride
led me down the wrong path.
But I've learned. From now on, I'll keep
my temper in check and my lip buttoned.
Scram, you pair of knobby-headed goons.
This is a private conversation.
You guys get some coffee
and meet me in the car.
Get me some coffee too. And a cruller.
What happened to Freakazoid?
He hit himself in the head
with a brick 38 times.
Then the brick split in half.
I see.
Was this a karate test of some kind?
Not precisely.
I'm afraid the stress
has caused him to mentally withdraw.
But I have a plan to shock him out of it.
Now, Freakazoid,
I'm gonna show you some items.
I want you to say out loud what they are.
What's this?
Pen, brick.
Pencil, brick.
Brick! Oh!
Brick!
[SOBBING]
He'll be fine.
He just needs to rest.
We'll have to get
that diamond hat back ourselves.
Aye. It's probably in Cobra Queen's lair.
Deep in the sewers.
And that means we'll have to walk
through doody water.
[GAGGING]
And so I said,
"What do you know? Freak under glass."
[LAUGHING]
Was he upset?
Upset? He probably didn't get it.
[LAUGHING]
Naturally, they'll search the sewers
for the diamond hat.
And find nothing.
Your hiding place was flawless:
Uncle Buzzy's Funland.
It's been closed for eons.
Uh, pardon me, old man,
but the French onion soup is a bit off.
Take it back or I'll rip you in half.
Are we simpatico?
Oh, absolutely, sir. I'm sorry, sir.
You're very masterful with the help.
"Friendly but never familiar."
That's what Dad always said.
You know, Audrey, I only come here
after special robberies.
How sweet of you to say.
After a robbery I usually go back
to the sewers...
...put on something special
and listen to the Ray Conniff Singers.
Care to join me sometime, Royce?
Yes. Ha-ha-ha.
Not to trod old ground...
...but are we certain the diamond hat
is absolutely secure?
My snakes will destroy anyone
who discovers it.
Good. That won't be Freakazoid.
Last I saw, he was surrounded
by more glass than a jar of pickles.
[LAUGHING]
COSGRO VE:
This place stinks.
What do they call "poo gas" in Scotland?
- Crud vapors.
- Ha.
Crud vapors. I like that.
Hold it.
It's from Joe the announcer.
NARRATOR:
Dear Cosgrove and Roddy.
Go up this ladder. It will lead you
to the diamond hat of the czars.
Freakazoid yells at me
for giving away plot point, but I don't care.
I'm more than just an unseen,
booming voice.
I'm a man with my own dreams.
Sincerely, Joe the announcer.
Could it be a trap of some kind?
No. That's our announcer.
He's just trying to pad his part.
- All right. Let's get cracking.
- Yeah.
This sewer smells like crud vapors.
NARRATOR:
I have an important announcement.
But I'm not going to make it.
I wouldn't want to be accused
of padding my part.
I used to come here to Uncle Buzzy's
when I was a kid.
We'd eat a bunch of hot dogs,
then go on the rides...
...and throw up.
You're lucky. When I was a lad
in Fennybrook, all we had...
...was a coal bucket pulled around
by a fat, bald goat.
That's tough.
- Did you throw up?
- No, we didn't throw up!
The goat wasn't fast enough!
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TELEVISION]
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
I must succeed.
Ahh. There's nothing like watching Hero Boy
and sipping on some good hospital water.
[YELLING]
You said this was a good hiding place.
There's no overhead cover.
I always liked the Little Tea Cup Ride.
Crud!
Excuse me? Nurse.
Could I get some water, please?
Doctor's orders.
I'm supposed to stay in bed
and drink plenty of fluids.
I'm in bed. I'd like more fluids!
Help! There's a bear in here!
Save me!
Bring water with you when you come!
Typical. Just typical.
Every nurse on the floor
is probably watching some soap opera.
I could perish from thirst like
some old prospector in the desert...
...for all they care. They'll come in later,
all chipper, "How are we this morning?
Here, have a pill."
All they'll find are my bleached bones.
Thanks. Then they'll cry:
"Oh, no. Why didn't we bring him water?
We were selfish and dumb."
Whoa.
Did I with the water make and do?
This is great.
Wait until Roddy hears about this.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]:
We interrupt our regular program...
...for this Channel 3
late-breaking bulletin.
Channel 3's own Real Life Police crew
is broadcasting live...
...from Uncle Buzzy's Funland.
One of Cobra Queen's snakes
has Sergeant Mike Cosgrove...
...and an unidentified Scotsman
trapped in the Little Tea Cup Ride.
We'll have further reports
as they develop.
And now back to Teen Chat
with Dr. Henry Kissinger.
They can't do that to my pals.
Cut it out.
There's a fumble for our team.
We'll get it back.
How in blazes do you suppose
Cosgrove and MacStew found this place?
I'll bet the announcer ratted us out.
He does that sometimes.
That's hardly sporting.
Stop picking on my friends.
You big dumb head.
- Good work, lad.
- Yeah.
Of course, I softened him up for you.
You guys hang back.
This isn't gonna be pretty.
Give me that diamond hat right now.
Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin.
Take it, Freakazoid. If you can
get by us and my biggest snake.
[LAUGHING]
[GROWLS]
[YELLING]
By the soiled trousers of Argus.
The lad's done it.
What were the czars thinking...
...when they glued these diamonds
on the ugliest hat in the world?
I saw that coming a mile away.
[GROWLS]
Freakazoid must pay.
Fine with moi.
[YELLING]
Oh, you guys really frost me.
[GRUNTS]
COBRA QUEEN:
Hey!
COBRA QUEEN: Don't let that
diamond hat get away! Get it!
CAVE GUY:
Get out of my way.
BOTH:
Oh...
[PANTING]
Bingo.
Why did Freakazoid give up so easily?
The man's a buffoon.
He probably forgot
he was supposed to catch us.
[YELLING]
I did that with my mind.
Yecch.
I feel like the floor of a movie theater.
NARRATOR: And so the diamond hat
of the czars was returned.
While Cosgrove bid a fond farewell
to the crew from Real Life Police.
We've been through a lot together.
Now, go away.
Cobra Queen's snakes
were taken off to giant-snake prison.
And Cobra Queen and Cave Guy
were taken to regular prison.
Tell me more about my eyes.
I love the way you say "eyes."
[BOTH LAUGHING]
From everything you've told me,
your telekinetic powers only work...
...when you're really angry.
Then I'll only use them
when I'm really angry.
That's what I just said.
Can you hear, or is there a goblin
in your head eating my words?
I don't think there's a goblin up there.
Hey, I just remembered.
Webby's Vest World is gonna display
the nation's largest cowboy fringe vest.
They're gonna set it up
in the lobby in an hour...
...but we'd have to leave now
to get good seats. Who's in?
- Who could possibly be out?
- Aye.
I've seen many a strange thing in my time,
but never a giant cowboy fringe vest.
Then let's all together go now.
By the soiled trousers of Argus.
[ENGLISH SDH]