Frayed (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
Sammy gets a job with an old school mate, who is keen to punish her for the past, while her ex Dan makes it clear he hasn't forgiven her either.
SAMMY: I want you both to know
that nothing is going to change.
But Dad's dead.
Shit!
There's no money left.
SAMMY: My children and I
have nowhere to go.
Are we in Sydney?
I mean, it sort of is.
No, it's not "sort of".
It's called Newcastle.
LENNY: How long are we
going to be here?
Yeah. How long are you
gonna be here, Sammy?
JIM: Your mum's got no right
just showing up here
after all these years,
no fuckin' right at all.
JEAN: So, how are you gonna pay
for their food, clothing?
I'll get a job.
Can you make coffee?
Yes.
Black. Three sugars.
What are you doing here?
Sammy works for me.
Look, we are not staying here,
alright?
You can't make me go to school here!
Me neither!
Yes, I can!
(RINGING TONE)
(INTERNATIONAL PIPS)
Rufus! Hi. Uh...
It's me.
It's, uh, Sa... Sa... Simone.
I told you to stop calling me.
Just ringing to check in, you know,
see how my case is going.
We have been through this
so many times.
There is no case. You are bankrupt.
I'm doing everything I can
to clear your mountain of debt.
It's not MY debt.
It's, uh... it's Nick's.
It's the same thing.
Look, I do have some good news.
I might have found a good buyer
for your house.
Cash. Quick sale.
No, no, no. Not my house.
Not my beautiful house!
Simone, your debts are
accruing interest every day.
The Inland Revenue is out for blood.
I don't understand how this happened.
How did you not know?
This should come
as no surprise to you, Simone,
but Nick was quite an adept liar.
Come on, Ru.
Surely there's something you can do
to save the house.
For old times' sake?
What, because we fucked twice
three years ago?
Yes! Making love is a sacred bodily
bond, and it meant a lot to me.
(SCREAMS)
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Get off! Arggh! Shit!
Simone?
It was a feral possum, Rufus.
A feral possum
the size of a fucking horse!
I don't belong here, Rufus.
I don't belong in this house.
I don't belong in this town.
I don't belong in a tan miniskirt.
Why are you wearing a tan miniskirt?
My luggage got lost.
I just want to come back.
You can't come back.
Everyone knows how Nick died.
What, even the...
..phone that got...
..trapped in his anus?
Especially that bit.
I'd say that's the detail
that people have most latched on to.
You can't come back to that.
Think of the children.
You're better off there, Simone.
In time, you may come to think of it
as home.
This... is not... my home.
Excuse me!
Get off the phone, Sammy.
Who's Sammy?
I'll call you back.
No, I said STOP calling!
Who were you on the phone to?
That is none of your business!
Oh!
Who was it, Sammy? Huh?
Is it this number? This UK number
that you keep calling?
No.
Look at this phone bill, Sammy!
Alright, I didn't realise
that it was going to cost quite...
"I did not realise that it was
gonna cost that much money. I..."
What is that accent?
Is that Afrikaans?
I'm not the only one doing a fake
accent, you duplicitous charlatan!
Do you even know what a charlatan is?
I don't need to know what it means,
'cause Krystle Carrington called
Alexis Colby a duplicitous charlatan
in a very similar context,
and that's good enough for me,
you duplicitous charlatan!
You're going to keep using that word
and you don't know what it means?
You know what's gonna happen?
You'll wake up one morning...
Shut the fuck up!
..with my balls on your face!
You get off!
Hey! Hey!
Stop it! What is going on?
How did you do this?
I suspect it might be the phone calls
to the United Kingdom.
Oh, really? How'd you
work that one out, Columbus?
It's Columbo, you fucking moron.
I'm a moron, hmm?
I'm not the one who didn't know
it was expensive to call England.
Mum, can you just tell her to pack
her things and get out of my house?
This is not your house.
You went away and fucked off
for 20 years!
This is my fuckin' house,
Sammy Alexis Charlatan Colby!
Wow! Big words.
It's really impressive.
How about I get you a dictionary
and you shove it...
How about I get you
a slap in the face?
Shut up! Both of you, shut up.
How are you gonna pay for this?
I think I'm going to struggle
to afford it
whilst the settlement in London
is so bogged down...
Samantha, cut the shit.
You want to stay in my house -
and it is MY house -
you pay this bill.
OK, but that's a lot of money...
Figure it out.
Or leave. We're done here.
Oh, and drop the stupid accent.
Your brother's right.
It's embarrassing.
Yep.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Mum's right. It's embarrassing.
I know you're up to something. We
are gonna get to the bottom of it.
Are you, Columbus? Are you gonna
get to the bottom of this?
And then accidentally
discover America,
introduce diseases
to the native population?
You know what? Well,
you are moving out, Joan Collins.
Oh! God!
You shit!
Yeah.
I hate you!
(PHONE CLATTERS)
(WAVES CRASH)
(MAN HAWKS, SPITS)
Why do people do that?
(LAUGHS) I don't know.
There's also a guy who holds down
one nostril and blows into the pool.
Ugh!
Ugh!
I hate him.
(LAUGHS)
I'm Peter.
Jean. Hi.
You're down here a lot.
Red cap.
Yours is map of Australia.
Well, now we can say hi to each
other next time we're swimming.
Or next time we're in the shower.
I mean... you know, in...
..the shower. (LAUGHS)
In this outdoor shower block.
Do you want to do something
sometime?
Like go for dinner, with me?
What, you mean like a date?
No.
Well... yeah.
Yeah. I, uh...
Uh...
Yeah, no. But...
Sorry.
OK.
See you round.
(MAN SNORTS)
Oh!
Ugh!
Why do we have to get the bus?
'Cause we don't have a car.
I don't want to get the bus.
I don't know anyone.
I miss Dad and I want to go home!
Me too.
I hate this fucking shithole.
Hey!
Do not use language like that.
I don't want to be here!
Oh, honey. Honey, I know.
Look, we're not staying here,
alright?
I'm doing everything in my power to
get us out of this fucking shithole.
(BUS ARRIVES)
OK.
Let's all have a great day!
Oh, and don't tell Jim and Jean
what I said
about me doing everything in my power
to get us out of
this fucking shithole.
In fact, don't tell either of them
anything. About everything.
Bye.
Hey. What day do we get paid?
Every second Tuesday.
Shit!
Can I borrow two grand?
(LAUGHS)
Yeah. Do you take
traveller's cheques?
I don't get this. Why are we
cutting out articles about China?
Because despots
exercise absolute power
by assigning oppressive
and often meaningless tasks.
Come on. He's not a despot.
Chris is just a sad little shithead.
Trust me.
I've watched every episode
of World At War,
and that man is a classic despot.
I mean, a four-year-old
could do this!
Cutting articles out of a newspaper?
I need to earn money, Fiona.
I mean proper money.
Alright, Rockefeller. Come take
a break and calm the fuck down.
Don't smoke the ones that are upside
down unless you want to get high.
Hey.
Do you want to get high?
No! I don't want to get high.
Alright. Go and have a fag.
I'll take these in to the Fuehrer.
No, no, give them to me.
I'll take them in.
(KNOCKS)
CHRIS: What?
Hey.
When are you gonna stop wearing
these stupid outfits to work?
Oh, yeah.
My luggage still hasn't arrived.
Can't you go buy some clothes?
Yeah. I'm just... You know,
I'm still waiting for the, uh...
Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot.
Complications with the estate.
Hey, um, why are we cutting out
articles about China?
Come here.
What do you see, Sammy?
A tugboat.
(CHUCKLES) An industrial wasteland.
Do you know what this city
was built on?
Rock'n'roll.
It was built on steel.
When we were kids,
there were so many tankers,
you couldn't count 'em,
and now, 16% unemployment.
Heroin. Everywhere.
The Chinese government want to build
new cities from scratch.
And what do you need
to build cities?
Tractors.
Steel.
Know what else cities need?
Toilets.
Railways.
Steel, steel, steel.
And I'm gonna sell it to 'em
and make money.
The kind of money that tells people
not to fuck with you.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Your wife just called to remind you
it's your sister's birthday.
Oh, shit!
Go buy something a wanker would
like, like a bottle of Moey.
Actually, it's pronounced 'Mo-et'.
Uh, it's 'Moey'.
Mmm, no, it's not.
In French, it would be 'Moey',
but, uh, Claude Moet's family,
well, they're of Dutch heritage.
So it's a hard T. It's a common
misconception it's a soft T.
I'll duck out
and get some...'Mo-et'.
That was amazing.
You know your wanky shit!
I should bring you to meetings.
You know, bring some fuckin' class
to proceedings.
OK. Oh, my God!
Would that mean a pay rise?
Look, I've got a meeting in Sydney
with some investors soon.
You know, we'll go down there, stay
the night there, just the two of us,
fuckin' splurge
on the expense account.
Um, is that gonna...
What?
I don't know.
It might look a bit... weird.
You know, like, the two of us...
It's just work.
What do you think this is?
No, I... I mean,
I didn't mean it like that.
You know what? Just forget it.
Stupid idea.
You know what I want?
I want that vacant lot cleared.
I've got a car park going in.
So get cracking.
Chris, there's a lot to clear there.
Look, if you can't do what I ask,
then maybe you should go get a job
somewhere else.
You're not in London anymore,
sweetheart!
You're back here where you belong,
and you work for me! Understand?!
Well, what are you waiting for?
A written invitation?!
Uh...
You... you gonna get upset now?
No!
I, uh... I was...
I've just been thinking.
You know... you know, worried about
my kids starting school...
I'm sure they're fine.
(FRENETIC ROCK MUSIC)
BOY: Come on!
BOY 2: Come on, Lenny! Come on!
Come on!
Why are you running, Pommy?!
(BOYS LAUGH AND JEER)
Coming through!
Lenny boy!
Come on!
Oh, come on, Lenny!
Len-Len!
(DOOR BANGS)
Where are you?! (LAUGHS)
Oi! Why aren't you boys in class?
Out of here.
Come on.
(DOOR OPENS)
(PANTS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
I'm Lenny.
Bo.
(COUGHS)
Th... these are strong.
Yeah, 40mg, man.
Apparently you'd be safer
smoking road tar.
(COUGHS)
(GIRLS CHATTER AND LAUGH)
No, it's disgusting.
(GIRLS LAUGH)
I think it's bullshit.
I think it's stupid.
OK. Circuit relay.
Each person must make their way
through the witch's hats,
over the first obstacle,
up the ropes
and one lap of the gym,
back to their team.
You cannot go until your team member
comes and tags you.
Ready, set, and...
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Oh, yeah. Alright, alright, alright!
Simmer down.
Simmer down. Pipe down. Hey!
Hey! (BLOWS WHISTLE) It's not funny.
Oh, looks pretty fucking funny
to me.
Shut it, Abby Harris.
Alright. Come on, grab your stuff.
I'll, um... I'll take you
up to the office.
Right, rest of you kids,
500 lunges, OK?
I'll be back in 10 minutes.
I want to see some sweat!
So fucking gross.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
It's alright. Pipe down!
Sorry.
Oh, don't be.
Got us both out of circuit relays.
I could get
Abby Harris and her mates
to clean up your vomit if you like.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
So, you're English?
You're Sammy's kid?
Huh?
Oh, yeah, Sammy.
Mum called herself Simone
in England.
(LAUGHS)
Ow! My foot! Fuck!
I could help Sammy.
It'd get the job done faster.
Thanks for your input, Fiona.
Any other ideas for
how I should run this office?
In fact, why don't you make
all the decisions?
After all, you are the MP.
(QUIETLY) Ooh! Fuck!
Ugh!
Why don't you, uh, take a seat
right here, Tess?
Hi, Dan.
It's, uh, Mr Atkins at work, Trish.
And, uh, we've got a sick patient,
needs to go home.
So, are we still on for tonight?
Cool. I really enjoyed last time.
Right.
You're very good at it.
Shut up, Trish.
What? You're good at lawn bowls.
I'm just talking about lawn bowls.
And head.
OK.
So, you're, um... you're right
to just wait here?
Good.
Keep you company.
You can eat now.
Can you move, please?
Sammy?
Yeah?
Just got a call from your
daughter's school. She's been sick.
(SIGHS) OK. Uh, I have to go.
OK.
Thank you.
You can finish this tomorrow. Here.
Let yourself in, then drop the keys
at my house when you're done.
Tomorrow's Saturday.
Yeah. The developers are coming
next week.
Look, if you can't do the job...
I could help.
No, you can't. Your arms are weak
and your mind is feeble.
I could clear the smaller things.
Fiona, why are you still here?
As I was saying, if you're not up to
doing the work I ask you to do,
you're welcome to try
to get a job elsewhere.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS) Fucking...
Hey. You don't have a car
I could borrow, do you?
No. Sorry.
Shit!
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Jim?
Yep.
That was fast.
Who is this, please?
You know who it is.
It's Sammy. Look, I need a favour.
And what does Princess Margaret
need done for her now?
Princess Margaret?
Why Princess Margaret?
Because she's lazy and spoilt.
And the less capable sibling.
Jim, I've gotta go
and pick up Tess from school,
and I thought maybe
you could, like...
You are priceless.
You want me to pay your bills
and pick up your kids from school...
Jim, I told you.
..and do everything else for you.
You'll get your money, OK?
I have to go, OK?
I have a very busy schedule
this morning.
What, sitting next to the phone
waiting for it to ring?
I'm not waiting for Bev to ring!
Besides, I am not a taxi service,
I am a driving academy,
with an honour and duty of service
and obligations to my pupils.
Jim, look, please don't
take this out on my kids.
Tess is sick, you know, and she's...
she's not a strong kid.
Alright, I got a lesson at midday.
I'll stop by and pick you up.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm busy.
(SIGHS)
(CAR APPROACHES)
(CAR STEREO PLAYS LOUD ROCK MUSIC)
SAMMY: Hey.
Thanks for this.
OK, Francesca.
Check your mirrors and indicate.
(APPLIES HANDBRAKE)
I said check your mirrors! Mirrors!
You checked one mirror!
I can't hear you very well
because of the music!
Oh, just... just go. It's fine.
Honestly. You're a...
you're a fuckin' menace, Francesca.
(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
JIM: Now let's ease it in. Apply
the brake like we talked about.
That's it. Slow it up.
Slow it up. Fuck...
Shit! SHIT!
(CRUNCH!)
Cesca! Every fucking time!
Go easy on her, Jim. She's about 90.
No, she's not! She's 57!
Mmm.
Good God, Francesca!
What have you done to yourself?
I sunbaked a lot.
She used to slather herself
in olive oil to get a tan.
Well, if you're 57, Jim's right.
You drive like a piece of shit.
Thank you!
Alright, Cesca,
put the handbrake on for starters.
Christ, I don't understand
why you...
(HANDBRAKE CLICKS)
..can't just do what we...
..what we talked about before!
Hi. Uh, I'm here to pick up
my daughter...
Sammy. (CLEARS THROAT)
Dan.
Hello? Mum?
Tess. Tess! Tess.
Honey, hey. Oh, OK.
You OK?
OK. Uh...
Listen, Uncle Jim's outside.
You get in the car.
I'm... I'm gonna talk to Dan.
OK.
That's Mr Atkins.
Sorry.
Tess.
Bye.
Bye.
So, what happened?
What happened is that you just
walked out and now you're back.
No, I... I meant with Tess.
She vomited.
Probably anxiety.
OK.
Uh, well, um...
..thank... thank you for,
you know, waiting with her.
"Mr Atkins". (CHUCKLES)
Uh... Oh, I should go. Um...
Dan, if you ever wanted to, uh...
Catch up sometime?
Yeah, right. Like...
No. No, you just stay the fuck
away from me.
Suck shit.
♪ All things bright and beautiful
♪ All creatures great and small
♪ All things wise and wonderful
♪ The Lord God made them all
♪ Each lit... each little... ♪
Thanks so much for coming.
We really appreciate it.
That's what we do.
Bear one another's burdens
and so fulfil the law of Christ.
Bye.
Bye, now.
So, what's on this evening?
Ian and I are having dinner
at the pub
if you and Ron want to come with us.
Oh, yes! Thanks! Jean?
Uh... no, I can't go into pubs.
I forgot. You're in recovery.
Good for you, Jean.
Thanks.
"Do not get drunk on wine,
for it leads to debauchery.
"Instead, be filled
with the Spirit."
Oh, I got filled with spirits too.
Yeah. It was a dumb joke.
We could do Italian instead.
No, it's fine.
I just feel like walking home.
Bye, then.
Oh, yes! Yes! Ah! Ah!
Come on, Bev! Just go! Oh!
Oh!
God!
Ah!
Oh!
Ah! Oh!
Ohh!
Oh!
Oh!
Ohh!
Oh...
Oh!
(PANTS)
Oh...
Oh!
Oh.
Oh!
That was incredible.
(PANTS)
Yeah, it was for me too.
You were so... so angry and...
and quick.
Thank you. I stole some date roll.
Oh, good. Chuck it here.
I'm just so fucked off.
You know my sister?
She's run up a two grand phone bill.
Holy shit!
It's doin' my fuckin' head in.
She shows up after all this time
with no explanation
and this stupid English accent.
(BAD IMITATION)
"Hello. My name is Samantha.
"And I'm better than all of you."
Hey, you're good at accents.
(LAUGHS)
You sound like the Queen of England.
I modelled that one
on Stephanie Beacham.
If she's so rich,
why is she living with your mum?
Exactly.
Says she's waiting for
the estate to settle or some shit.
What estate?
Well, her husband carked it.
And they were loaded.
Hang on. You said
she got a job as a secretary.
Oh, she's up to something,
I know it.
Pleading poverty
to get your mum's sympathy.
Oh, my God.
She's angling for the house!
What?
Yep.
She's getting on your mum's
good side while she's still alive.
Happens all the time with siblings.
I should know. It's exactly
what I did to my brother.
Then my sister did it to me.
But that house is all I've got!
Yeah, well, something's happened
and she's out on her arse.
But, "Oh, hello.
"Mummy lives on the beach
in a big house she owns outright."
Oh!
This is exactly what happened
on Dynasty.
One of Blake Carrington's kids.
What am I gonna do?
You have to get that bitch
out of there
before she steals everything
right out from under your nose.
Make friends with those kids.
Drill 'em for information.
You're gonna have to be
ruthless, baby.
Just like on...
Just like on Dynasty.
Watch that bitch.
Oh, I will.
I'll watch her like a chhhharlatan.
Oh, fuck!
Oh!
Oh!
You are so fuckin' hot!
(SIGHS)
Chris told me not to help.
So, in a way,
this is an act of rebellion.
Want some sunscreen?
Nah.
It's gonna get really sunny today.
I love it. It never rains here.
There's a pretty severe drought on
at the moment.
I know. It's great, isn't it?
Here. This'll help pass the time.
Oh. No, thanks.
Maybe just a... just a little.
('I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE'
BY KATRINA AND THE WAVES PLAYS)
(LAUGHS)
Oh, yeah, yeah!
Chuck it here! Chuck it here!
♪ Yeah, yeah
♪ I used to think maybe you loved me
Here comes the doctor!
♪ Now, baby, I'm sure
(SCREAMS)
♪ And I just can't wait
till the day when... ♪
Fellas.
Hey, Lenny, I was thinking
we could do some work on the B.
See if we can get the fuckin' thing
started. What do you reckon?
OK. Yeah.
Sweet.
So, uh...
..tell me absolutely everything
about your life in London.
It was alright, I guess.
Must miss your dad, huh?
Did he discuss his...
financial situation with you often?
He was never really around. So...
Now he's not around
but all the time.
Yeah, I was about your age
when I lost my old man.
Even though they are dipshits,
it can be hard.
So, is your mum thinking about
going back to London,
or is she gonna stay here
in this house?
Who knows what she wants to do?
Can't believe what she says, anyway.
I know, right?
Sammy is the biggest liar.
I only just found out
her name isn't Simone.
Oh, 'Simone'! (LAUGHS)
You know, she wasn't always
such a dickhead.
Used to love getting high.
M-Mum?!
Yeah.
Yeah, she always used to
try and hide it from me,
said I was too young,
but I knew what was going on.
That was back before she started
acting like Angela fuckin' Channing.
The corrupt matriarch
from Falcon Crest?
You like pornos?
Um...
Because in my old room, there's this
old Yahtzee box, but inside it...
Mum's already found them.
Fuck!
Oh! Those were my favourites
when I was your age. Ohh!
I was gonna give 'em to you.
That could have been a nice...
moment between us.
She's taken the box away.
Oh, she's such a fuckin' prick!
Fuck you, Chris, you fucking berk!
Everyone hated him
back in high school.
It's really weird.
He was, like, skinny back then.
It's so odd seeing him bulked up.
He should bulk up.
If anyone finds out
what he gets up to,
he'd make a lovely girlfriend
for someone in prison.
What do you mean?
He's dodgy as fuck.
Typical man,
thinks his secretary's too stupid
to understand what's going on.
Ready to lift?
Yeah.
OK. One, two, three! (GRUNTS)
These business trips he goes away on
in Sydney - SO not legal.
Well, what does he do on the trips?
Takes bribes.
What?
You've caught the sun a little bit.
Great. Got me a tan.
Well, we're done. Let's go.
Where you going now?
The fucking berk wants his key back.
Call me if you want to
have a drink later.
Yeah. Uh, sure. OK.
Abby?!
Abby!
G'day, Terry.
Fellas.
Lenny, mate. You've got a boner.
(LAUGHS) I'm just fuckin' with you.
I wish I knew what to say to her.
You listen to me.
We'll get you riding around in this
car, you won't have to say anything.
Chicks get so wet
over luxury vehicles.
It's pretty much all they want.
BO: (SCOFFS)
That's not what women want.
No, they want someone
they can trust.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Whatever, Bo!
Maybe that's what they want
in Bee-jing.
I'm not from Beijing.
BEV: Hey, baby!
Here she is.
(LAUGHS)
Hey.
Oh!
BOTH: Mmm!
Queue at the methadone clinic
was huge.
Oh, it's not for me, babe.
My cousin cuts it and sells it.
(LAUGHS)
My little entrepreneur.
Alright, you kids scram.
I gotta talk to Bev.
He's alright, you know.
Both lost our dads at the same time
and we both hate Sammy's...
Don't get attached.
Focus on getting your house back.
Like a charlatan?
Like a charlatan.
Peter. Hi.
How are you?
Yeah. Good, thanks.
(BLOWS NOSE)
Oh, God.
Well, bye, then.
Um, yeah, I'm sorry
about yesterday. I...
I said no because...
OK, I wasn't expecting you or anyone
else to say something like that.
Ever. Again.
So...
OK.
What I'm trying to say is, uh...
..yeah, if you'd like to.
Dinner at the pub, maybe.
Uh... yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I-I'd... I'd love to.
Great.
Yep.
OK. Alright. Wow.
It's gotta be the first time
we've ever had a conversation
without someone
blowing their nose next to us.
(LAUGHS)
(SHOWER RUNS)
Oh, God.
Bye.
Sammy!
Hey.
Oh.
See you Monday.
Oh, come on.
Look, you've done a great job.
Come in for a coldie.
I'm fine, thanks.
No, no, you need to, uh...
..you need to sign over the key.
It's a... it's a legal thing.
Access to the lot has to be
accounted for at all times.
For the... for the...
for the contractor.
Mmm.
(SIGHS)
Look who's here!
Sammy Cooper. From high school.
WOMAN: Oh!
That's a cute outfit.
I should go.
Uh, in a minute.
You can have some champagne.
What kind of champagne
do we all feel like?
Oh, I don't know many. Veuve.
No. Name another one.
Dom Perignon.
No. Fuck's sake!
The really famous one
that starts with M. Come on.
Ooh! 'Mo-ay'.
Oh!
You mean 'Mo-et'.
It's not a silent T, it's a hard T,
because the name's Dutch.
That's a common misconception.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You have a marvellous home.
(MIMICS HER ACCENT)
"You have a marvellous home."
(LAUGHTER)
I told you, the accent is classic.
Anyway, let's have a toast.
To old schoolfriends.
So, Samantha.
Diane Fogerty.
Diane?
Sorry. I... I didn't...
You've really changed how you, um...
I lost 47 kilos doing
the Complete Jane Fonda Workout.
Ruth tells me
you're working for Chris now.
Oh, sorry to hear
about your husband.
Chris told me it was heart failure.
Uh, yeah. Yes.
He was, uh... training for
this triathlon in, um, uh, Geneva.
He did a lot of business out there.
Ohh!
He had a very large chalet,
sort of overlooked...
Ohh! I just did a conference in...
in Geneva.
One of those little jaunts that
the pharmaceuticals, uh, put on.
Very dull!
And are you going to be home long?
It, uh... that all depends on how long
it takes to get the estate sorted.
We've had all sorts...
Oh, I've had clients experience
big delays with estates.
I'm a barrister,
but I specialise in family law.
That's because she couldn't hack it
in criminal law.
You know, a sudden heart attack
can be an insurer's nightmare.
I'm an actuary.
I compile probability theory,
statistics and investment theory
to provide strategic
financial advice for insurance.
Sammy's been clearing crap
from the vacant lot for me all day.
That explains it. (LAUGHS)
(BURPS) Well.
This has been so fun.
Uh, I really...
Thank... thank you so much.
Uh, I'll go.
Sammy. Sammy, you just got here.
I'll see myself out.
Sammy.
Thank you.
That's the toilet.
Sammy! Sammy, just...
Just come in for one more.
Oh, my God!
That whole
'sign the key over' bullshit!
That was just to parade me
in front of the dork squad!
Uh, no.
Hey, we're not the dork squad.
Yeah, you are.
Last time I saw that actuary guy?
Simon.
Yes. See, I didn't even know
that was his name.
He was just the kid who used to
sit up the front of class
and sniff his watch strap!
That doesn't make him a dork.
Yeah, it does!
Just stay for one more. Just one.
Haven't you had your fun?
I've been clearing shit
into a skip for you all day.
I'm sorry. Look.
You probably don't know this, but...
..I had a big crush on you
in high school.
(SCOFFS) Everyone did.
I was young and I was cool
and I fucked a lot.
Now look at me.
Wish I'D sat up the front
and sniffed my fuckin' watch strap!
This fuckin'... (SIGHS)
I had everything in London.
I had the kind of money
that would make you sick.
I, uh... I left a thing
at your house this morning...
..for you.
That's great, Chris.
She keeps calling
this same UK number.
Yeah, well, that number is the key
to why she's really here.
What am I gonna say?
Pretend you're English. Make up
a name. Something really posh.
Alexander Graham Bell.
Great name.
Did you just make that up?
I think so.
It just popped into my head.
(RINGING TONE, INTERNATIONAL PIPS)
RECORDING: Thank you for calling the
offices of Hawtrey and Whitfield.
Please leave a message
and we'll return your call.
It's an office. We'll call Monday.
Oh, this is gonna get
really expensive.
I'll figure something out.
In the meantime,
keep the pressure on.
OK?
OK.
You and I will get
to the bottom of this.
Mrs Atkins?
Sammy.
Cooper.
Sammy! How are you, love?
Yeah, I'm good, thanks.
You look terrible.
You still live here.
Why wouldn't I?
Dan's up the backyard
if you want him.
What, he's here now?
Of course he is.
Yeah, alright, I'll...
I'll go say hi.
He's been surfing all day.
I keep begging him
to do his homework.
You two have got your finals
coming up.
Try to talk some sense into him,
Sammy. He listens to you.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure. I'll try.
(SQUEAKING)
Daaaaaan!
Shh!
Sammy Cooper is here!
Shhh!
Shut up!
She wants to see yooooouuu!
No, I don't! It's... Shh! Oh.
(SIGHS)
Hello. Hey.
Right. Oh.
Whoopsie!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Hey.
What do you want?
I just said hi to your mum.
And I was... like,
I was just gonna say hi to you.
I mean, I... I had no idea
that you... you actually lived here.
Oh, right, right,
'cause it's so fuckin' pathetic
that someone'd be back living
at home with their mum at our age.
Not that pathetic.
Well, thanks for dropping by.
Dan, can we please talk?
No.
Come... Come...
Would you stop this shit? It's me!
What are you doing?
And why are you so strong?
Oh, I...
OK. OK. OK. Alright.
OK.
I'll go.
Yeah?
Yes.
Oi!
I knew it!
(STRAINS)
You're being stupid!
(SIGHS) Dan, we're gonna
keep seeing each other.
Leave me alone!
I've finally got my life straight.
I'm... back on track.
Really?
(SIGHS)
I was just at Chris's house.
Oh, God, the dork squad was there.
I know you're gonna
try the door again.
You should see them all, Dan.
Man! They're all lawyers
and... actuaries.
What's an actuary?
I don't know.
It's like the more he explained it,
the less sense it made.
Oh, my God.
Do you remember Fat Fuck Fogerty?
Diane?
Yeah.
She lost 47 kilos doing
the Jane Fonda Complete Workout.
Yes! How did you know?
Well, she's always at the school
with the PTA.
It's all she ever goes on about.
Yeah, well,
it's a good fitness regime.
You know, like...
just for generally improving
your cardiovascular fitness and...
Right! That's it!
I want to be friends!
Dan, can't we get past this?
No! You ruined my life!
You...
..disappeared!
I'm sorry. I should have
said goodbye to you.
Yeah. Yeah, you should have.
I was gonna be something, Sammy.
We were gonna have a baby.
(SIGHS) Dan, we were children.
You had no right
to make that decision without me.
That was my baby too.
I had every right
to make that decision.
That baby was gonna be my problem.
I mean, between my parents drinking,
the amount of weed
you were smoking...
I told you,
I was gonna clean myself up.
This is bullshit. OK?
Oh.
This is such bullshit.
OK. Alright.
You would have done this to yourself
even if I'd stayed.
What, you reckon a teenage pregnancy
was gonna save you?
Well, we'll never know,
because you had THAT little problem
taken care of!
Oh, you know what? Fuck off!
Arggh! Shit!
Why is this glass so thin?!
Arghh!
Dan, everyone hates me.
My kids hate me. My brother hates me.
Everyone from school hates me.
I get it, alright?
I fucked up a lot. I know.
I just...
..I hate... you hating me.
I reckon if I'd stayed here,
I would have...
..done myself in just like Dad did.
You don't know he did it on purpose.
Yeah, I do.
There you go.
Dan, you're really good at this.
Yeah, I did a whole
first aid course in...
..in jail.
What?
Are you staying for dinner, love?
No, she's going.
You lovebirds will just have to see
each other tomorrow, at school.
Mum.
You're all he talks about.
Hey, Mum...
He wrote a song about you.
He's always in his room,
masturbating...
OK. Sammy was just going... leaving.
Well, I'll send you the bill
for the caravan window.
Oh, seriously?
YOU broke it.
Yeah, I know!
Jesus!
Alright, I'll pay for it.
I fuckin' pay for everything.
Arggh!
You alright?
Yeah. Get the bike.
Leg up. Leg up.
Thanks.
Come on.
(GROANS) Thank you.
Thanks.
Good?
Alright, well...
..bye.
Yep.
TESS: Lenny, say something.
LENNY: No.
Go on!
No.
Lenny?
Hey, Mum.
What happened to you?
Oh. Yeah. I, uh... I visited Dan.
These are amazing! I can hear
Leonard through the string.
Go on, say something.
You can hear me because
I'm two feet away, dipshit.
Mum, can I have £10? Wait - dollars.
What for?
To go to the cinema. With Bo.
Yeah, well, I don't... Who's Bo?
Mum, I need to go shopping.
I've grown since last summer.
You're just gonna have to wait, OK?
I get paid every second Tuesday.
It's a ridiculous system.
What am I meant to wear until then?
I'm getting trapped wind.
I don't know. I breathe
and I owe another person money.
Oh, by the way, Christos -
sorry, Chris George -
came over this morning
and dropped something for you.
Uh...
Lenny, can you hear me now?
I am not a dipshit.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Oh, hey, Fiona. It's... it's Sammy.
Hi.
Watching Yentl. It's fucking great.
Yeah, I love that movie.
Yeah. It's like Tootsie
but not funny.
You know that stuff you were saying
today about Chris and, um...
..and his business trips
away to Sydney?
You reckon you could show me
what he's up to?
Yeah.
Thinks he's hidden it,
but I know exactly what he's doing.
I'll show you on Monday.
OK, great. Well...
..enjoy Yentl.
You fucking bet I will.
The sound travels, uh, kind of...
Hey, Mum?
..kind of along the string.
If I was to go away to Sydney
on business for a couple of days,
could you....could you take care
of the kids?
Yeah, sure. Why?
I'm gonna pay you back that money
for the phone bill.
Promise.
Let's just say
I've got a little plan...
Possum's back.
What the fuck? Fuck! Arghh!
Rufus?
This is crazy.
Can you afford this?
The vendor has to sell fast
and is in no position to negotiate.
So... do you want it?
I do.
I really do.
Ooh! Mwah!
Ooh!
If he's making this kind of money,
we're entitled to a slice of it.
Relax! They're not loaded.
(GUNSHOT)
Whoa!
Whoa!
Well, I think we need some drinks.
Do you drink wine?
That was the first penis I touched.
Oh, Jesus. Keep it down.
Abby Harris is here.
Why?
I don't know.
I don't do karate! Fuck!
We'll find out what that scheming
bitch of a sister of yours is up to.
(SQUELCH!)
Fuck!
that nothing is going to change.
But Dad's dead.
Shit!
There's no money left.
SAMMY: My children and I
have nowhere to go.
Are we in Sydney?
I mean, it sort of is.
No, it's not "sort of".
It's called Newcastle.
LENNY: How long are we
going to be here?
Yeah. How long are you
gonna be here, Sammy?
JIM: Your mum's got no right
just showing up here
after all these years,
no fuckin' right at all.
JEAN: So, how are you gonna pay
for their food, clothing?
I'll get a job.
Can you make coffee?
Yes.
Black. Three sugars.
What are you doing here?
Sammy works for me.
Look, we are not staying here,
alright?
You can't make me go to school here!
Me neither!
Yes, I can!
(RINGING TONE)
(INTERNATIONAL PIPS)
Rufus! Hi. Uh...
It's me.
It's, uh, Sa... Sa... Simone.
I told you to stop calling me.
Just ringing to check in, you know,
see how my case is going.
We have been through this
so many times.
There is no case. You are bankrupt.
I'm doing everything I can
to clear your mountain of debt.
It's not MY debt.
It's, uh... it's Nick's.
It's the same thing.
Look, I do have some good news.
I might have found a good buyer
for your house.
Cash. Quick sale.
No, no, no. Not my house.
Not my beautiful house!
Simone, your debts are
accruing interest every day.
The Inland Revenue is out for blood.
I don't understand how this happened.
How did you not know?
This should come
as no surprise to you, Simone,
but Nick was quite an adept liar.
Come on, Ru.
Surely there's something you can do
to save the house.
For old times' sake?
What, because we fucked twice
three years ago?
Yes! Making love is a sacred bodily
bond, and it meant a lot to me.
(SCREAMS)
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Get off! Arggh! Shit!
Simone?
It was a feral possum, Rufus.
A feral possum
the size of a fucking horse!
I don't belong here, Rufus.
I don't belong in this house.
I don't belong in this town.
I don't belong in a tan miniskirt.
Why are you wearing a tan miniskirt?
My luggage got lost.
I just want to come back.
You can't come back.
Everyone knows how Nick died.
What, even the...
..phone that got...
..trapped in his anus?
Especially that bit.
I'd say that's the detail
that people have most latched on to.
You can't come back to that.
Think of the children.
You're better off there, Simone.
In time, you may come to think of it
as home.
This... is not... my home.
Excuse me!
Get off the phone, Sammy.
Who's Sammy?
I'll call you back.
No, I said STOP calling!
Who were you on the phone to?
That is none of your business!
Oh!
Who was it, Sammy? Huh?
Is it this number? This UK number
that you keep calling?
No.
Look at this phone bill, Sammy!
Alright, I didn't realise
that it was going to cost quite...
"I did not realise that it was
gonna cost that much money. I..."
What is that accent?
Is that Afrikaans?
I'm not the only one doing a fake
accent, you duplicitous charlatan!
Do you even know what a charlatan is?
I don't need to know what it means,
'cause Krystle Carrington called
Alexis Colby a duplicitous charlatan
in a very similar context,
and that's good enough for me,
you duplicitous charlatan!
You're going to keep using that word
and you don't know what it means?
You know what's gonna happen?
You'll wake up one morning...
Shut the fuck up!
..with my balls on your face!
You get off!
Hey! Hey!
Stop it! What is going on?
How did you do this?
I suspect it might be the phone calls
to the United Kingdom.
Oh, really? How'd you
work that one out, Columbus?
It's Columbo, you fucking moron.
I'm a moron, hmm?
I'm not the one who didn't know
it was expensive to call England.
Mum, can you just tell her to pack
her things and get out of my house?
This is not your house.
You went away and fucked off
for 20 years!
This is my fuckin' house,
Sammy Alexis Charlatan Colby!
Wow! Big words.
It's really impressive.
How about I get you a dictionary
and you shove it...
How about I get you
a slap in the face?
Shut up! Both of you, shut up.
How are you gonna pay for this?
I think I'm going to struggle
to afford it
whilst the settlement in London
is so bogged down...
Samantha, cut the shit.
You want to stay in my house -
and it is MY house -
you pay this bill.
OK, but that's a lot of money...
Figure it out.
Or leave. We're done here.
Oh, and drop the stupid accent.
Your brother's right.
It's embarrassing.
Yep.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Mum's right. It's embarrassing.
I know you're up to something. We
are gonna get to the bottom of it.
Are you, Columbus? Are you gonna
get to the bottom of this?
And then accidentally
discover America,
introduce diseases
to the native population?
You know what? Well,
you are moving out, Joan Collins.
Oh! God!
You shit!
Yeah.
I hate you!
(PHONE CLATTERS)
(WAVES CRASH)
(MAN HAWKS, SPITS)
Why do people do that?
(LAUGHS) I don't know.
There's also a guy who holds down
one nostril and blows into the pool.
Ugh!
Ugh!
I hate him.
(LAUGHS)
I'm Peter.
Jean. Hi.
You're down here a lot.
Red cap.
Yours is map of Australia.
Well, now we can say hi to each
other next time we're swimming.
Or next time we're in the shower.
I mean... you know, in...
..the shower. (LAUGHS)
In this outdoor shower block.
Do you want to do something
sometime?
Like go for dinner, with me?
What, you mean like a date?
No.
Well... yeah.
Yeah. I, uh...
Uh...
Yeah, no. But...
Sorry.
OK.
See you round.
(MAN SNORTS)
Oh!
Ugh!
Why do we have to get the bus?
'Cause we don't have a car.
I don't want to get the bus.
I don't know anyone.
I miss Dad and I want to go home!
Me too.
I hate this fucking shithole.
Hey!
Do not use language like that.
I don't want to be here!
Oh, honey. Honey, I know.
Look, we're not staying here,
alright?
I'm doing everything in my power to
get us out of this fucking shithole.
(BUS ARRIVES)
OK.
Let's all have a great day!
Oh, and don't tell Jim and Jean
what I said
about me doing everything in my power
to get us out of
this fucking shithole.
In fact, don't tell either of them
anything. About everything.
Bye.
Hey. What day do we get paid?
Every second Tuesday.
Shit!
Can I borrow two grand?
(LAUGHS)
Yeah. Do you take
traveller's cheques?
I don't get this. Why are we
cutting out articles about China?
Because despots
exercise absolute power
by assigning oppressive
and often meaningless tasks.
Come on. He's not a despot.
Chris is just a sad little shithead.
Trust me.
I've watched every episode
of World At War,
and that man is a classic despot.
I mean, a four-year-old
could do this!
Cutting articles out of a newspaper?
I need to earn money, Fiona.
I mean proper money.
Alright, Rockefeller. Come take
a break and calm the fuck down.
Don't smoke the ones that are upside
down unless you want to get high.
Hey.
Do you want to get high?
No! I don't want to get high.
Alright. Go and have a fag.
I'll take these in to the Fuehrer.
No, no, give them to me.
I'll take them in.
(KNOCKS)
CHRIS: What?
Hey.
When are you gonna stop wearing
these stupid outfits to work?
Oh, yeah.
My luggage still hasn't arrived.
Can't you go buy some clothes?
Yeah. I'm just... You know,
I'm still waiting for the, uh...
Oh, yeah, yeah, I forgot.
Complications with the estate.
Hey, um, why are we cutting out
articles about China?
Come here.
What do you see, Sammy?
A tugboat.
(CHUCKLES) An industrial wasteland.
Do you know what this city
was built on?
Rock'n'roll.
It was built on steel.
When we were kids,
there were so many tankers,
you couldn't count 'em,
and now, 16% unemployment.
Heroin. Everywhere.
The Chinese government want to build
new cities from scratch.
And what do you need
to build cities?
Tractors.
Steel.
Know what else cities need?
Toilets.
Railways.
Steel, steel, steel.
And I'm gonna sell it to 'em
and make money.
The kind of money that tells people
not to fuck with you.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Your wife just called to remind you
it's your sister's birthday.
Oh, shit!
Go buy something a wanker would
like, like a bottle of Moey.
Actually, it's pronounced 'Mo-et'.
Uh, it's 'Moey'.
Mmm, no, it's not.
In French, it would be 'Moey',
but, uh, Claude Moet's family,
well, they're of Dutch heritage.
So it's a hard T. It's a common
misconception it's a soft T.
I'll duck out
and get some...'Mo-et'.
That was amazing.
You know your wanky shit!
I should bring you to meetings.
You know, bring some fuckin' class
to proceedings.
OK. Oh, my God!
Would that mean a pay rise?
Look, I've got a meeting in Sydney
with some investors soon.
You know, we'll go down there, stay
the night there, just the two of us,
fuckin' splurge
on the expense account.
Um, is that gonna...
What?
I don't know.
It might look a bit... weird.
You know, like, the two of us...
It's just work.
What do you think this is?
No, I... I mean,
I didn't mean it like that.
You know what? Just forget it.
Stupid idea.
You know what I want?
I want that vacant lot cleared.
I've got a car park going in.
So get cracking.
Chris, there's a lot to clear there.
Look, if you can't do what I ask,
then maybe you should go get a job
somewhere else.
You're not in London anymore,
sweetheart!
You're back here where you belong,
and you work for me! Understand?!
Well, what are you waiting for?
A written invitation?!
Uh...
You... you gonna get upset now?
No!
I, uh... I was...
I've just been thinking.
You know... you know, worried about
my kids starting school...
I'm sure they're fine.
(FRENETIC ROCK MUSIC)
BOY: Come on!
BOY 2: Come on, Lenny! Come on!
Come on!
Why are you running, Pommy?!
(BOYS LAUGH AND JEER)
Coming through!
Lenny boy!
Come on!
Oh, come on, Lenny!
Len-Len!
(DOOR BANGS)
Where are you?! (LAUGHS)
Oi! Why aren't you boys in class?
Out of here.
Come on.
(DOOR OPENS)
(PANTS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
I'm Lenny.
Bo.
(COUGHS)
Th... these are strong.
Yeah, 40mg, man.
Apparently you'd be safer
smoking road tar.
(COUGHS)
(GIRLS CHATTER AND LAUGH)
No, it's disgusting.
(GIRLS LAUGH)
I think it's bullshit.
I think it's stupid.
OK. Circuit relay.
Each person must make their way
through the witch's hats,
over the first obstacle,
up the ropes
and one lap of the gym,
back to their team.
You cannot go until your team member
comes and tags you.
Ready, set, and...
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Oh, yeah. Alright, alright, alright!
Simmer down.
Simmer down. Pipe down. Hey!
Hey! (BLOWS WHISTLE) It's not funny.
Oh, looks pretty fucking funny
to me.
Shut it, Abby Harris.
Alright. Come on, grab your stuff.
I'll, um... I'll take you
up to the office.
Right, rest of you kids,
500 lunges, OK?
I'll be back in 10 minutes.
I want to see some sweat!
So fucking gross.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
It's alright. Pipe down!
Sorry.
Oh, don't be.
Got us both out of circuit relays.
I could get
Abby Harris and her mates
to clean up your vomit if you like.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
So, you're English?
You're Sammy's kid?
Huh?
Oh, yeah, Sammy.
Mum called herself Simone
in England.
(LAUGHS)
Ow! My foot! Fuck!
I could help Sammy.
It'd get the job done faster.
Thanks for your input, Fiona.
Any other ideas for
how I should run this office?
In fact, why don't you make
all the decisions?
After all, you are the MP.
(QUIETLY) Ooh! Fuck!
Ugh!
Why don't you, uh, take a seat
right here, Tess?
Hi, Dan.
It's, uh, Mr Atkins at work, Trish.
And, uh, we've got a sick patient,
needs to go home.
So, are we still on for tonight?
Cool. I really enjoyed last time.
Right.
You're very good at it.
Shut up, Trish.
What? You're good at lawn bowls.
I'm just talking about lawn bowls.
And head.
OK.
So, you're, um... you're right
to just wait here?
Good.
Keep you company.
You can eat now.
Can you move, please?
Sammy?
Yeah?
Just got a call from your
daughter's school. She's been sick.
(SIGHS) OK. Uh, I have to go.
OK.
Thank you.
You can finish this tomorrow. Here.
Let yourself in, then drop the keys
at my house when you're done.
Tomorrow's Saturday.
Yeah. The developers are coming
next week.
Look, if you can't do the job...
I could help.
No, you can't. Your arms are weak
and your mind is feeble.
I could clear the smaller things.
Fiona, why are you still here?
As I was saying, if you're not up to
doing the work I ask you to do,
you're welcome to try
to get a job elsewhere.
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS) Fucking...
Hey. You don't have a car
I could borrow, do you?
No. Sorry.
Shit!
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Jim?
Yep.
That was fast.
Who is this, please?
You know who it is.
It's Sammy. Look, I need a favour.
And what does Princess Margaret
need done for her now?
Princess Margaret?
Why Princess Margaret?
Because she's lazy and spoilt.
And the less capable sibling.
Jim, I've gotta go
and pick up Tess from school,
and I thought maybe
you could, like...
You are priceless.
You want me to pay your bills
and pick up your kids from school...
Jim, I told you.
..and do everything else for you.
You'll get your money, OK?
I have to go, OK?
I have a very busy schedule
this morning.
What, sitting next to the phone
waiting for it to ring?
I'm not waiting for Bev to ring!
Besides, I am not a taxi service,
I am a driving academy,
with an honour and duty of service
and obligations to my pupils.
Jim, look, please don't
take this out on my kids.
Tess is sick, you know, and she's...
she's not a strong kid.
Alright, I got a lesson at midday.
I'll stop by and pick you up.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm busy.
(SIGHS)
(CAR APPROACHES)
(CAR STEREO PLAYS LOUD ROCK MUSIC)
SAMMY: Hey.
Thanks for this.
OK, Francesca.
Check your mirrors and indicate.
(APPLIES HANDBRAKE)
I said check your mirrors! Mirrors!
You checked one mirror!
I can't hear you very well
because of the music!
Oh, just... just go. It's fine.
Honestly. You're a...
you're a fuckin' menace, Francesca.
(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
JIM: Now let's ease it in. Apply
the brake like we talked about.
That's it. Slow it up.
Slow it up. Fuck...
Shit! SHIT!
(CRUNCH!)
Cesca! Every fucking time!
Go easy on her, Jim. She's about 90.
No, she's not! She's 57!
Mmm.
Good God, Francesca!
What have you done to yourself?
I sunbaked a lot.
She used to slather herself
in olive oil to get a tan.
Well, if you're 57, Jim's right.
You drive like a piece of shit.
Thank you!
Alright, Cesca,
put the handbrake on for starters.
Christ, I don't understand
why you...
(HANDBRAKE CLICKS)
..can't just do what we...
..what we talked about before!
Hi. Uh, I'm here to pick up
my daughter...
Sammy. (CLEARS THROAT)
Dan.
Hello? Mum?
Tess. Tess! Tess.
Honey, hey. Oh, OK.
You OK?
OK. Uh...
Listen, Uncle Jim's outside.
You get in the car.
I'm... I'm gonna talk to Dan.
OK.
That's Mr Atkins.
Sorry.
Tess.
Bye.
Bye.
So, what happened?
What happened is that you just
walked out and now you're back.
No, I... I meant with Tess.
She vomited.
Probably anxiety.
OK.
Uh, well, um...
..thank... thank you for,
you know, waiting with her.
"Mr Atkins". (CHUCKLES)
Uh... Oh, I should go. Um...
Dan, if you ever wanted to, uh...
Catch up sometime?
Yeah, right. Like...
No. No, you just stay the fuck
away from me.
Suck shit.
♪ All things bright and beautiful
♪ All creatures great and small
♪ All things wise and wonderful
♪ The Lord God made them all
♪ Each lit... each little... ♪
Thanks so much for coming.
We really appreciate it.
That's what we do.
Bear one another's burdens
and so fulfil the law of Christ.
Bye.
Bye, now.
So, what's on this evening?
Ian and I are having dinner
at the pub
if you and Ron want to come with us.
Oh, yes! Thanks! Jean?
Uh... no, I can't go into pubs.
I forgot. You're in recovery.
Good for you, Jean.
Thanks.
"Do not get drunk on wine,
for it leads to debauchery.
"Instead, be filled
with the Spirit."
Oh, I got filled with spirits too.
Yeah. It was a dumb joke.
We could do Italian instead.
No, it's fine.
I just feel like walking home.
Bye, then.
Oh, yes! Yes! Ah! Ah!
Come on, Bev! Just go! Oh!
Oh!
God!
Ah!
Oh!
Ah! Oh!
Ohh!
Oh!
Oh!
Ohh!
Oh...
Oh!
(PANTS)
Oh...
Oh!
Oh.
Oh!
That was incredible.
(PANTS)
Yeah, it was for me too.
You were so... so angry and...
and quick.
Thank you. I stole some date roll.
Oh, good. Chuck it here.
I'm just so fucked off.
You know my sister?
She's run up a two grand phone bill.
Holy shit!
It's doin' my fuckin' head in.
She shows up after all this time
with no explanation
and this stupid English accent.
(BAD IMITATION)
"Hello. My name is Samantha.
"And I'm better than all of you."
Hey, you're good at accents.
(LAUGHS)
You sound like the Queen of England.
I modelled that one
on Stephanie Beacham.
If she's so rich,
why is she living with your mum?
Exactly.
Says she's waiting for
the estate to settle or some shit.
What estate?
Well, her husband carked it.
And they were loaded.
Hang on. You said
she got a job as a secretary.
Oh, she's up to something,
I know it.
Pleading poverty
to get your mum's sympathy.
Oh, my God.
She's angling for the house!
What?
Yep.
She's getting on your mum's
good side while she's still alive.
Happens all the time with siblings.
I should know. It's exactly
what I did to my brother.
Then my sister did it to me.
But that house is all I've got!
Yeah, well, something's happened
and she's out on her arse.
But, "Oh, hello.
"Mummy lives on the beach
in a big house she owns outright."
Oh!
This is exactly what happened
on Dynasty.
One of Blake Carrington's kids.
What am I gonna do?
You have to get that bitch
out of there
before she steals everything
right out from under your nose.
Make friends with those kids.
Drill 'em for information.
You're gonna have to be
ruthless, baby.
Just like on...
Just like on Dynasty.
Watch that bitch.
Oh, I will.
I'll watch her like a chhhharlatan.
Oh, fuck!
Oh!
Oh!
You are so fuckin' hot!
(SIGHS)
Chris told me not to help.
So, in a way,
this is an act of rebellion.
Want some sunscreen?
Nah.
It's gonna get really sunny today.
I love it. It never rains here.
There's a pretty severe drought on
at the moment.
I know. It's great, isn't it?
Here. This'll help pass the time.
Oh. No, thanks.
Maybe just a... just a little.
('I'M WALKING ON SUNSHINE'
BY KATRINA AND THE WAVES PLAYS)
(LAUGHS)
Oh, yeah, yeah!
Chuck it here! Chuck it here!
♪ Yeah, yeah
♪ I used to think maybe you loved me
Here comes the doctor!
♪ Now, baby, I'm sure
(SCREAMS)
♪ And I just can't wait
till the day when... ♪
Fellas.
Hey, Lenny, I was thinking
we could do some work on the B.
See if we can get the fuckin' thing
started. What do you reckon?
OK. Yeah.
Sweet.
So, uh...
..tell me absolutely everything
about your life in London.
It was alright, I guess.
Must miss your dad, huh?
Did he discuss his...
financial situation with you often?
He was never really around. So...
Now he's not around
but all the time.
Yeah, I was about your age
when I lost my old man.
Even though they are dipshits,
it can be hard.
So, is your mum thinking about
going back to London,
or is she gonna stay here
in this house?
Who knows what she wants to do?
Can't believe what she says, anyway.
I know, right?
Sammy is the biggest liar.
I only just found out
her name isn't Simone.
Oh, 'Simone'! (LAUGHS)
You know, she wasn't always
such a dickhead.
Used to love getting high.
M-Mum?!
Yeah.
Yeah, she always used to
try and hide it from me,
said I was too young,
but I knew what was going on.
That was back before she started
acting like Angela fuckin' Channing.
The corrupt matriarch
from Falcon Crest?
You like pornos?
Um...
Because in my old room, there's this
old Yahtzee box, but inside it...
Mum's already found them.
Fuck!
Oh! Those were my favourites
when I was your age. Ohh!
I was gonna give 'em to you.
That could have been a nice...
moment between us.
She's taken the box away.
Oh, she's such a fuckin' prick!
Fuck you, Chris, you fucking berk!
Everyone hated him
back in high school.
It's really weird.
He was, like, skinny back then.
It's so odd seeing him bulked up.
He should bulk up.
If anyone finds out
what he gets up to,
he'd make a lovely girlfriend
for someone in prison.
What do you mean?
He's dodgy as fuck.
Typical man,
thinks his secretary's too stupid
to understand what's going on.
Ready to lift?
Yeah.
OK. One, two, three! (GRUNTS)
These business trips he goes away on
in Sydney - SO not legal.
Well, what does he do on the trips?
Takes bribes.
What?
You've caught the sun a little bit.
Great. Got me a tan.
Well, we're done. Let's go.
Where you going now?
The fucking berk wants his key back.
Call me if you want to
have a drink later.
Yeah. Uh, sure. OK.
Abby?!
Abby!
G'day, Terry.
Fellas.
Lenny, mate. You've got a boner.
(LAUGHS) I'm just fuckin' with you.
I wish I knew what to say to her.
You listen to me.
We'll get you riding around in this
car, you won't have to say anything.
Chicks get so wet
over luxury vehicles.
It's pretty much all they want.
BO: (SCOFFS)
That's not what women want.
No, they want someone
they can trust.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Whatever, Bo!
Maybe that's what they want
in Bee-jing.
I'm not from Beijing.
BEV: Hey, baby!
Here she is.
(LAUGHS)
Hey.
Oh!
BOTH: Mmm!
Queue at the methadone clinic
was huge.
Oh, it's not for me, babe.
My cousin cuts it and sells it.
(LAUGHS)
My little entrepreneur.
Alright, you kids scram.
I gotta talk to Bev.
He's alright, you know.
Both lost our dads at the same time
and we both hate Sammy's...
Don't get attached.
Focus on getting your house back.
Like a charlatan?
Like a charlatan.
Peter. Hi.
How are you?
Yeah. Good, thanks.
(BLOWS NOSE)
Oh, God.
Well, bye, then.
Um, yeah, I'm sorry
about yesterday. I...
I said no because...
OK, I wasn't expecting you or anyone
else to say something like that.
Ever. Again.
So...
OK.
What I'm trying to say is, uh...
..yeah, if you'd like to.
Dinner at the pub, maybe.
Uh... yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, no, I-I'd... I'd love to.
Great.
Yep.
OK. Alright. Wow.
It's gotta be the first time
we've ever had a conversation
without someone
blowing their nose next to us.
(LAUGHS)
(SHOWER RUNS)
Oh, God.
Bye.
Sammy!
Hey.
Oh.
See you Monday.
Oh, come on.
Look, you've done a great job.
Come in for a coldie.
I'm fine, thanks.
No, no, you need to, uh...
..you need to sign over the key.
It's a... it's a legal thing.
Access to the lot has to be
accounted for at all times.
For the... for the...
for the contractor.
Mmm.
(SIGHS)
Look who's here!
Sammy Cooper. From high school.
WOMAN: Oh!
That's a cute outfit.
I should go.
Uh, in a minute.
You can have some champagne.
What kind of champagne
do we all feel like?
Oh, I don't know many. Veuve.
No. Name another one.
Dom Perignon.
No. Fuck's sake!
The really famous one
that starts with M. Come on.
Ooh! 'Mo-ay'.
Oh!
You mean 'Mo-et'.
It's not a silent T, it's a hard T,
because the name's Dutch.
That's a common misconception.
(CLEARS THROAT)
You have a marvellous home.
(MIMICS HER ACCENT)
"You have a marvellous home."
(LAUGHTER)
I told you, the accent is classic.
Anyway, let's have a toast.
To old schoolfriends.
So, Samantha.
Diane Fogerty.
Diane?
Sorry. I... I didn't...
You've really changed how you, um...
I lost 47 kilos doing
the Complete Jane Fonda Workout.
Ruth tells me
you're working for Chris now.
Oh, sorry to hear
about your husband.
Chris told me it was heart failure.
Uh, yeah. Yes.
He was, uh... training for
this triathlon in, um, uh, Geneva.
He did a lot of business out there.
Ohh!
He had a very large chalet,
sort of overlooked...
Ohh! I just did a conference in...
in Geneva.
One of those little jaunts that
the pharmaceuticals, uh, put on.
Very dull!
And are you going to be home long?
It, uh... that all depends on how long
it takes to get the estate sorted.
We've had all sorts...
Oh, I've had clients experience
big delays with estates.
I'm a barrister,
but I specialise in family law.
That's because she couldn't hack it
in criminal law.
You know, a sudden heart attack
can be an insurer's nightmare.
I'm an actuary.
I compile probability theory,
statistics and investment theory
to provide strategic
financial advice for insurance.
Sammy's been clearing crap
from the vacant lot for me all day.
That explains it. (LAUGHS)
(BURPS) Well.
This has been so fun.
Uh, I really...
Thank... thank you so much.
Uh, I'll go.
Sammy. Sammy, you just got here.
I'll see myself out.
Sammy.
Thank you.
That's the toilet.
Sammy! Sammy, just...
Just come in for one more.
Oh, my God!
That whole
'sign the key over' bullshit!
That was just to parade me
in front of the dork squad!
Uh, no.
Hey, we're not the dork squad.
Yeah, you are.
Last time I saw that actuary guy?
Simon.
Yes. See, I didn't even know
that was his name.
He was just the kid who used to
sit up the front of class
and sniff his watch strap!
That doesn't make him a dork.
Yeah, it does!
Just stay for one more. Just one.
Haven't you had your fun?
I've been clearing shit
into a skip for you all day.
I'm sorry. Look.
You probably don't know this, but...
..I had a big crush on you
in high school.
(SCOFFS) Everyone did.
I was young and I was cool
and I fucked a lot.
Now look at me.
Wish I'D sat up the front
and sniffed my fuckin' watch strap!
This fuckin'... (SIGHS)
I had everything in London.
I had the kind of money
that would make you sick.
I, uh... I left a thing
at your house this morning...
..for you.
That's great, Chris.
She keeps calling
this same UK number.
Yeah, well, that number is the key
to why she's really here.
What am I gonna say?
Pretend you're English. Make up
a name. Something really posh.
Alexander Graham Bell.
Great name.
Did you just make that up?
I think so.
It just popped into my head.
(RINGING TONE, INTERNATIONAL PIPS)
RECORDING: Thank you for calling the
offices of Hawtrey and Whitfield.
Please leave a message
and we'll return your call.
It's an office. We'll call Monday.
Oh, this is gonna get
really expensive.
I'll figure something out.
In the meantime,
keep the pressure on.
OK?
OK.
You and I will get
to the bottom of this.
Mrs Atkins?
Sammy.
Cooper.
Sammy! How are you, love?
Yeah, I'm good, thanks.
You look terrible.
You still live here.
Why wouldn't I?
Dan's up the backyard
if you want him.
What, he's here now?
Of course he is.
Yeah, alright, I'll...
I'll go say hi.
He's been surfing all day.
I keep begging him
to do his homework.
You two have got your finals
coming up.
Try to talk some sense into him,
Sammy. He listens to you.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure. I'll try.
(SQUEAKING)
Daaaaaan!
Shh!
Sammy Cooper is here!
Shhh!
Shut up!
She wants to see yooooouuu!
No, I don't! It's... Shh! Oh.
(SIGHS)
Hello. Hey.
Right. Oh.
Whoopsie!
(DOOR SLAMS)
Hey.
What do you want?
I just said hi to your mum.
And I was... like,
I was just gonna say hi to you.
I mean, I... I had no idea
that you... you actually lived here.
Oh, right, right,
'cause it's so fuckin' pathetic
that someone'd be back living
at home with their mum at our age.
Not that pathetic.
Well, thanks for dropping by.
Dan, can we please talk?
No.
Come... Come...
Would you stop this shit? It's me!
What are you doing?
And why are you so strong?
Oh, I...
OK. OK. OK. Alright.
OK.
I'll go.
Yeah?
Yes.
Oi!
I knew it!
(STRAINS)
You're being stupid!
(SIGHS) Dan, we're gonna
keep seeing each other.
Leave me alone!
I've finally got my life straight.
I'm... back on track.
Really?
(SIGHS)
I was just at Chris's house.
Oh, God, the dork squad was there.
I know you're gonna
try the door again.
You should see them all, Dan.
Man! They're all lawyers
and... actuaries.
What's an actuary?
I don't know.
It's like the more he explained it,
the less sense it made.
Oh, my God.
Do you remember Fat Fuck Fogerty?
Diane?
Yeah.
She lost 47 kilos doing
the Jane Fonda Complete Workout.
Yes! How did you know?
Well, she's always at the school
with the PTA.
It's all she ever goes on about.
Yeah, well,
it's a good fitness regime.
You know, like...
just for generally improving
your cardiovascular fitness and...
Right! That's it!
I want to be friends!
Dan, can't we get past this?
No! You ruined my life!
You...
..disappeared!
I'm sorry. I should have
said goodbye to you.
Yeah. Yeah, you should have.
I was gonna be something, Sammy.
We were gonna have a baby.
(SIGHS) Dan, we were children.
You had no right
to make that decision without me.
That was my baby too.
I had every right
to make that decision.
That baby was gonna be my problem.
I mean, between my parents drinking,
the amount of weed
you were smoking...
I told you,
I was gonna clean myself up.
This is bullshit. OK?
Oh.
This is such bullshit.
OK. Alright.
You would have done this to yourself
even if I'd stayed.
What, you reckon a teenage pregnancy
was gonna save you?
Well, we'll never know,
because you had THAT little problem
taken care of!
Oh, you know what? Fuck off!
Arggh! Shit!
Why is this glass so thin?!
Arghh!
Dan, everyone hates me.
My kids hate me. My brother hates me.
Everyone from school hates me.
I get it, alright?
I fucked up a lot. I know.
I just...
..I hate... you hating me.
I reckon if I'd stayed here,
I would have...
..done myself in just like Dad did.
You don't know he did it on purpose.
Yeah, I do.
There you go.
Dan, you're really good at this.
Yeah, I did a whole
first aid course in...
..in jail.
What?
Are you staying for dinner, love?
No, she's going.
You lovebirds will just have to see
each other tomorrow, at school.
Mum.
You're all he talks about.
Hey, Mum...
He wrote a song about you.
He's always in his room,
masturbating...
OK. Sammy was just going... leaving.
Well, I'll send you the bill
for the caravan window.
Oh, seriously?
YOU broke it.
Yeah, I know!
Jesus!
Alright, I'll pay for it.
I fuckin' pay for everything.
Arggh!
You alright?
Yeah. Get the bike.
Leg up. Leg up.
Thanks.
Come on.
(GROANS) Thank you.
Thanks.
Good?
Alright, well...
..bye.
Yep.
TESS: Lenny, say something.
LENNY: No.
Go on!
No.
Lenny?
Hey, Mum.
What happened to you?
Oh. Yeah. I, uh... I visited Dan.
These are amazing! I can hear
Leonard through the string.
Go on, say something.
You can hear me because
I'm two feet away, dipshit.
Mum, can I have £10? Wait - dollars.
What for?
To go to the cinema. With Bo.
Yeah, well, I don't... Who's Bo?
Mum, I need to go shopping.
I've grown since last summer.
You're just gonna have to wait, OK?
I get paid every second Tuesday.
It's a ridiculous system.
What am I meant to wear until then?
I'm getting trapped wind.
I don't know. I breathe
and I owe another person money.
Oh, by the way, Christos -
sorry, Chris George -
came over this morning
and dropped something for you.
Uh...
Lenny, can you hear me now?
I am not a dipshit.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Oh, hey, Fiona. It's... it's Sammy.
Hi.
Watching Yentl. It's fucking great.
Yeah, I love that movie.
Yeah. It's like Tootsie
but not funny.
You know that stuff you were saying
today about Chris and, um...
..and his business trips
away to Sydney?
You reckon you could show me
what he's up to?
Yeah.
Thinks he's hidden it,
but I know exactly what he's doing.
I'll show you on Monday.
OK, great. Well...
..enjoy Yentl.
You fucking bet I will.
The sound travels, uh, kind of...
Hey, Mum?
..kind of along the string.
If I was to go away to Sydney
on business for a couple of days,
could you....could you take care
of the kids?
Yeah, sure. Why?
I'm gonna pay you back that money
for the phone bill.
Promise.
Let's just say
I've got a little plan...
Possum's back.
What the fuck? Fuck! Arghh!
Rufus?
This is crazy.
Can you afford this?
The vendor has to sell fast
and is in no position to negotiate.
So... do you want it?
I do.
I really do.
Ooh! Mwah!
Ooh!
If he's making this kind of money,
we're entitled to a slice of it.
Relax! They're not loaded.
(GUNSHOT)
Whoa!
Whoa!
Well, I think we need some drinks.
Do you drink wine?
That was the first penis I touched.
Oh, Jesus. Keep it down.
Abby Harris is here.
Why?
I don't know.
I don't do karate! Fuck!
We'll find out what that scheming
bitch of a sister of yours is up to.
(SQUELCH!)
Fuck!