Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 7 - Bla-Z-Boy - full transcript
It's been eight years since Martin moved in with Frasier, and the realization of that fact has irked Frasier. This sparks a series of spats between the two, which comes to a head when Martin accidentally ruins the carpet. Frasier's belief that "there is no such thing as an accident" leads him to accuse Martin of a sub-consciously malicious act. However, when Frasier unwittingly burns Martin's favorite chair, the shoe ends up on the other foot.
I love it when he plays the piano.
No matter how gloomy it is outside,
it makes everything seem
a little brighter.
I feel the same way about bacon.
DAPHNE:
You're so lucky to be musical.
I'd give my right hand to be able
to play the piano the way you do.
Hmm, sounds a bit like O. Henry
meets Stephen King.
But still, if you're serious,
I'd be willing to give you lessons.
I'd love that.
I've wanted to play
ever since I was little,
and my family would sing rugby songs
after my brothers' matches.
I can still see them
all muddied and bloodied,
belting out songs
like "The Old She-Crab"
and "I Like a Moose."
Once,
one of Michael's teeth fell out
right in the middle
of "Four Old Whores."
MARTIN: Hey, Fras,
how was your date last night?
I'm having breakfast with you.
You do the math.
- Ahem, coffee?
FRASIER: Please, thank you, Niles.
Well, here's something
that'll cheer you up.
Eight years ago today
I moved in with you.
- Eight years? Ha, ha.
MARTIN: Ha, ha.
- Are you sure?
- This is quite an anniversary.
You weren't even with Lilith
for eight years.
Please, Niles,
I hardly think it's the same thing.
It's not that different.
If you were a woman,
you'd be his common-law wife
by now.
- Oh, well, now I don't think that's...
DAPHNE: And think about this.
If that date had been
the perfect woman,
you'd still have to be with her
nine years before you overtook him.
Yes, and actually,
if you add the 18 years
he spent at home prior to college,
well, they've been together 26 years.
So we just missed
our silver anniversary?
- All right.
- Yes, but good news,
your 30th is pearl. Ha, ha.
Well, I think
it's a remarkable accomplishment.
Happy anniversary,
Dr. And Mr. Crane.
NILES: Yes, here, here.
- Ha, ha.
NILES:
Oh, here.
I'm so sorry it didn't work out
with Lucy last night.
But don't worry. I have tons
of other friends better than her.
Well,
thanks for starting at the bottom
and working your way up.
- Hey, Roz. Dr. Crane.
FRASIER: Oh.
- Hi, Daph. Hello, Dad.
- Oh, hey, Daphne.
What, are you taking piano lessons?
Yeah, Niles is gonna teach me.
I'm so jealous.
I've always wanted to learn to play.
- Well, why don't you sit in with us?
- Really?
- Well, do you think Niles would mind?
- Of course not.
And even if he does,
he's so polite you'll never know.
Hi. I'd like to tell you
about our new frozen coffee drink,
The Caffalanche.
It comes in three flavours.
Frosty Coffee, So Cocoa-Cold
and Chilla-in-Vanilla.
- I'll try the So Cocoa-Cold.
FRASIER: Ha, ha.
Uh, black coffee, thanks.
- I hate what's happened to coffee.
- Dad.
Well, I'm just saying,
I'm a regular joe,
- I like my joe regular.
- I like my joe regular. I know.
What's wrong with plain, old coffee,
the way God made it?
FRASIER:
Nothing.
What is wrong, is subjecting me
to the same shopworn bellyaching
every time you come in here.
Well, excuse me for having an opinion
you don't agree with.
I thought this was America.
Oh, look, it is.
I'm gonna get my coffee to go.
That was a bit harsh, Dr. Crane.
Eight years of the same complaints
about the same things
in the same places.
And I'll say, sometimes I think
he does it just to antagonize me.
Just like an old married couple.
It's cute, isn't it?
Well, I got my black coffee.
Of course, it was more expensive
than a whole meal used to be.
Time was, you could get two eggs,
potatoes, choice of breakfast meat...
And still get change back
from the nickel.
Will you just take your coffee.
See how he talks to me?
- And on our anniversary too.
FRASIER: Oh.
NILES: Now, I want you to position
your hands over the keyboard.
Fingers relaxed, elbows loose.
Good.
Okay, and shoulders low. Good, good.
How are we doing?
- Fine.
- Okay, I guess.
When do we get to press
on the keys?
Whoa, whoa.
We have a lot to learn first.
It could be weeks
before we press down on the keys.
I want to play a song.
Yeah, isn't that why we're here?
Well, all in due time. Here, wait.
Just watch my hands
while I play a scale. Watch this.
[PLAYING THE SCALE]
FRASIER:
Pardon me, Niles,
there was a programme
I planned on watching.
Oh, of course. Uh, we'll continue
the lesson in Daphne's room.
How can we learn without a piano?
With these workbooks
and a box of adhesive stars.
MAN [ON TV]:
It would seem as though...
Brr, that guy sure looks cold.
What are we watching?
I'm watching Lost on a Mountain.
Ah...
It is not remarkable that Everest...
That the mountain?
Yes.
Well, they sure don't look lost.
That's the search party.
Oh.
So who's lost?
Apparently you are.
If you don't stop interrupting,
I will be too.
- nine climbers
from four different countries
have come to the summit.
They knew an approaching storm
might well hamper their efforts,
but were determined
to press forward nonetheless.
[MUMBLES]
Pretzel?
[CHAIR SCREECHES]
- Do you mind?
- [MUMBLES] I'm sorry.
- but ascending Everest
is only half the journey.
The journey
back down the mountain...
[CHAIR SCREECHES]
[CHAIR SCREECHES]
[CHAIR SCREECHES]
Still, he felt he had little choice
but to participate in the effort.
Oh, that's it, Dad!
Is there nothing you do
that doesn't create some cacophony?
Well, I didn't do it on purpose.
I was trying to be considerate.
If you were,
you would have oiled that chair
when it began squeaking
five years ago.
Boy, I don't know what's got into you
but you've been a real jerk lately.
You should watch TV
somewhere else.
I should go elsewhere? I?
Just what do you suggest?
That I find, uh, a documentary bar
and watch it on their big screen?
You know what?
I am just going to go take a talk.
Leave you with the television.
You enjoy yourself.
Good day.
[DOOR SLAMS]
I wish you would stop
hanging your coat on my peg!
NILES: Dad?
MARTIN: Down here.
Oh, my God, Dad.
Oh, I thought you'd capsized.
No, I was oiling my chair.
The squeaking was bugging Frasier.
[NILES GASPS]
The carpet is a whole shade lighter
under there.
Oh. Except for those little black dots
you just made.
Oh, shoot.
- I better get a towel.
- I'll get it.
No, it's all right. I'll get it. Oh!
- Oh, my God.
- Ah! I'll get something
to pick up the grease
and clean it up.
MARTIN:
Oh, my God.
What the hell's happened?
Now, don't get upset.
I was oiling my chair,
trying to get rid of the squeak,
and I had a little spill.
Little spill?
I just had this carpet cleaned!
- I'm sorry, it was an accident.
- Sure, Dad. It was an accident.
It was an accident.
I saw him step on it.
Niles, you know as well as I do,
there are no accidents.
Just admit it, Dad.
Your hostility toward me
has been building through the years,
little by little, until you have
finally struck the Achilles' heel
of my d?cor, the Berber carpet.
I did not do this on purpose.
No? Then I suggest you dig deep
into the twisted caves
of your subconscious,
where malicious acts abide,
clothed in the robes
of plausible excuses!
[SHOUTS] For the last time,
this was not malicious!
It was an accident!
- I don't think you know the difference!
- Yes, I do!
That was an accident!
This is malicious!
NILES:
What colour is the new carpet?
I'm going up a shade
to harvest wheat.
I thought the next shade up
was buff.
It used to be but they've discovered
a whole new colour in between.
So now it's tofu, putty, oatmeal,
- almond,
- almond,
- harvest wheat,
- harvest wheat,
- and buff.
- Buff.
That's going to be hard
to get used to.
Hmm.
Where's Daphne?
Oh, she's out
taking a walk with Dad.
An extra-long walk.
Things have been a little tense
around here
since the quote-unquote accident.
It was an accident.
Well, maybe.
But don't you think the man
should work
on some of his unresolved anger
toward me?
NILES:
If you're asking me to choose sides,
I'm not going to do it.
The man just brings such hostility
into the room.
[FRASIER SIGHS]
Thank you.
You know,
I've been thinking of, uh,
sending him someplace.
Like to a resort?
Like to live with you.
Oh, yes, the last resort.
Making Dad move
does not solve your problem,
it simply avoids it.
Don't start preaching to me.
You've been avoiding him eight years.
- I refuse to discuss this.
- And I refuse your refusal.
Is something burning?
- It smells like it.
- Are you cooking?
And what is that supposed to mean?
Oh, dear God, the chair!
Oh, my God! Oh, here, Niles,
Niles, hand me this drop cloth here.
- I'll smother it.
- All right, all right now, be careful.
NILES: Quickly, quickly.
- Yeah, all right. Just...
- Oh, look out below!
- Look out!
- My God!
- Dr. Crane's moods
never last long.
I'm sure we've seen the worst of it.
- What do we do? What do we say?
- All right, calm down.
The important thing is
it didn't hit anyone.
At least we have that.
But how do we explain this?
We just tell them what happened
as clearly and rationally as possible.
Right, right. Rational.
[SHOUTS] Oh, my God,
did you feel that earthquake?
[SHOUTS]
What the hell happened?
- Where's Daphne?
- She's down cleaning up the mess!
Dad, I can explain.
You threw my chair off the balcony?
I'm so sorry. Just hear me out.
- You crazy?
- I didn't mean to.
Forget what it means to me,
you could've killed someone.
- It was an accident!
- You said there are no accidents!
Clearly I was wrong.
I mean,
why on earth would I do such a thing?
Because you've always been gunning
for that chair.
I accidentally stain your carpet
and you set fire to the one thing
in this apartment I care about
and heave it out into the street!
Dad, I am so sorry.
I didn't mean to.
Please, forgive me.
- I'll buy you another chair.
- Ah, don't do me any favours.
Please, Dad.
I know you're angry right now
and that's normal.
The healthiest thing you can do...
Wanna know the healthiest thing
you can do?
Shut my yap?
Bingo!
NILES:
Yes. Yes.
Yes. No.
I don't like this exercise.
- It's too hard.
- No, no, no, you're doing fine.
You just have to loosen up.
I'll show you.
See?
It's just a little finger exercise.
- I know another little finger exercise.
- Ha, ha.
Daphne, you're not paying attention.
Oh, yes, I am.
Why don't we just cancel the lesson
and spend the day together?
[STAMMERS] What kind of teacher
would I be if I did that?
Oh, that's right.
You're the teacher
and I'm the naughty student
who wouldn't do her homework.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, that'll be Roz.
[NILES SIGHS]
Could you get that?
DAPHNE: Hey, Roz.
- Hey, Daphne.
- Hey, Roz. How'd it go this week?
ROZ: Niles.
Okay, I guess.
- But those exercises aren't easy.
- See?
All right, look, if I'm going too fast,
we'll make some adjustments.
I guess just do the best you can.
[ROZ SIGHS]
[ROZ CLEARS THROAT]
- That's great!
- Ow.
NILES: All right, do it again.
ROZ: Ahem.
You see, Daphne, that's a song.
You said we weren't going
to be playing songs.
Wait, wait, now go down.
Yes, good.
Oh, my God, this is so cool.
I want to play a song.
NILES:
Well...
And you will, Daphne,
as soon as you master your exercises.
You know, why don't you try playing
along on your practise pad?
Oh, shoot.
Hello, Niles.
Hey, Dad.
Um, taking Eddie for a walk?
Yeah, I was afraid if I left him home,
Frasier would set him on fire
and throw him off the balcony.
You see what I'm putting up with?
- Are you gonna let this go on forever?
- Me?
He keeps insisting
I was lashing out deliberately,
which I was not, although God knows
it would've been justified.
What, because of the oil?
This is a lot deeper and a lot darker
than oil and you know it.
The man will not get off my back.
Seems to me you've been giving
as good as you've been getting.
Please.
Ever since our so-called anniversary,
- he keeps insisting on...
NILES: Whoa, whoa,
what does your anniversary
have to do with this?
I guess it just set me off.
It was as though everyone was saying
that the only significant relationship
I'll ever have again is with my father.
So you're not mad at Dad.
You're just mad he isn't a woman.
Well, I got my coffee. Nothing fancy.
But if you don't like it,
you're welcome to set it on fire
and throw it off the balcony.
- Bye, Niles.
- No, wait, Dad.
Frasier just said something
very interesting to me...
- Niles.
- I think you should hear.
- Niles.
- Please, let me help you through this.
Don't forget, I've done my share
of couples counselling.
[SHOUTS]
We are not a couple!
I'm sorry, I only meant
that I am an experienced mediator.
Now, Frasier,
tell Dad what you were just telling me.
All right.
I think...
...that anniversary talk...
...stirred up some issues for me.
That our relationship
is the only one I'll ever have.
That for all intents and purposes,
you are my significant other.
- And that's my fault?
- I didn't say it was your fault, Dad.
You think it's a picnic living with you?
It's not exactly my dream either.
Okay, no, wait, wait, wait, honesty.
This is good.
I'm just saying
I've had a bit of a breakthrough.
Dandy! You've had a breakthrough,
I've lost my chair.
Maybe I could sit
on your breakthrough.
I'll tell you what you can sit on!
Okay, okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait,
let's just keep this constructive.
If you're going to make progress,
you're both going
to have to compromise.
Now, which one of you is willing
to take the first step?
Allow me.
You do this for a living, do you?
[SHOUTS] I do it
because I enjoy working with people!
Niles, I've been thinking. Maybe you
and Roz should continue without me.
- Why would we do that?
- Because she's good.
- Just a second...
- No, no, no, don't worry about me.
I'll find something easier to play,
like a stick.
Daphne, I'm not gonna let you quit.
You're just a slow starter.
It may require a little more time
but you'll improve.
- You really think so?
- You have to trust me.
I don't care how long it takes.
I am going
to make a pianist out of you.
Thank you.
You know, you're much nicer
than my old piano teacher.
- You took lessons before?
- Hmm? Oh, yeah.
Eight years of them.
Mr. Cruikshank.
You know, he once played
at the Royal Albert Hall.
Oh, why did you stop
taking the lessons, honey?
Well, it turns out Mr. Cruikshank
was an unstable man.
He took his own life.
Do you know I was the last person
to see him alive?
Dad, Frasier's here.
What's this?
It's something I got to tell you
I'm sorry for being such a sorehead.
Oh, Dad.
I'm overwhelmed.
Tied the bow myself.
Just... Just pull on it.
It'll come right off.
Yeah? All right.
Oh, how... How unexpected.
You don't like it.
- No, no, I do. It, it's just that...
- I got some guy, Eduardo, to help me.
I figured I couldn't miss.
It's divine.
That's what Eduardo said.
There's just one problem.
If you don't like it...
I know, I can set it on fire
and throw it over the balcony.
No,
I just meant you can take it back.
I want you to be happy.
Frasier, this is a wonderful gesture
on Dad's part.
I do too, Niles. I do.
I'm... I'm very touched, Dad.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
It's just that I had something else
in mind. Uh...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Well, I give up.
Try to do a nice thing...
- What's the matter?
FRASIER: Just...
Ah, good.
Gentlemen, come right in, please.
Uh, just set it right over here.
You bought a chair?
Thanks for telling me.
Give me a chance.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
- I need somebody to sign for this.
- Yes, of course.
In just a moment, please.
Could you wait at the door?
Thank you.
Everyone, I would like to introduce you
to the newest member
of our furniture family.
Where did you find this?
You can't find that, Dad.
It doesn't exist anymore...
...which is why I contacted
a master builder,
showed him some photographs
and had him duplicate it.
As for the material, I tracked down
the original manufacturer
and once I got them to admit
they made it, I had them reweave it.
- It must have cost a fortune.
FRASIER: Yes.
Ironically, this is now
the most expensive piece of furniture
in the entire apartment.
Oh, it's beautiful! Thank you, son.
Well done, Frasier.
Oh, it feels just the same.
I don't want to get up.
Well, that's a shame. I was planning
on taking us both out to dinner, Dad.
- Anywhere you'd like.
- Even the steak house?
Even the steak house.
Niles, Daphne,
you're welcome to join us.
Oh, sorry
but we're in the middle of my piano...
We'd love to.
You know, I'll bet we can get free pie
if we just tell them it's our anniversary.
[MARTIN LAUGHS]
No matter how gloomy it is outside,
it makes everything seem
a little brighter.
I feel the same way about bacon.
DAPHNE:
You're so lucky to be musical.
I'd give my right hand to be able
to play the piano the way you do.
Hmm, sounds a bit like O. Henry
meets Stephen King.
But still, if you're serious,
I'd be willing to give you lessons.
I'd love that.
I've wanted to play
ever since I was little,
and my family would sing rugby songs
after my brothers' matches.
I can still see them
all muddied and bloodied,
belting out songs
like "The Old She-Crab"
and "I Like a Moose."
Once,
one of Michael's teeth fell out
right in the middle
of "Four Old Whores."
MARTIN: Hey, Fras,
how was your date last night?
I'm having breakfast with you.
You do the math.
- Ahem, coffee?
FRASIER: Please, thank you, Niles.
Well, here's something
that'll cheer you up.
Eight years ago today
I moved in with you.
- Eight years? Ha, ha.
MARTIN: Ha, ha.
- Are you sure?
- This is quite an anniversary.
You weren't even with Lilith
for eight years.
Please, Niles,
I hardly think it's the same thing.
It's not that different.
If you were a woman,
you'd be his common-law wife
by now.
- Oh, well, now I don't think that's...
DAPHNE: And think about this.
If that date had been
the perfect woman,
you'd still have to be with her
nine years before you overtook him.
Yes, and actually,
if you add the 18 years
he spent at home prior to college,
well, they've been together 26 years.
So we just missed
our silver anniversary?
- All right.
- Yes, but good news,
your 30th is pearl. Ha, ha.
Well, I think
it's a remarkable accomplishment.
Happy anniversary,
Dr. And Mr. Crane.
NILES: Yes, here, here.
- Ha, ha.
NILES:
Oh, here.
I'm so sorry it didn't work out
with Lucy last night.
But don't worry. I have tons
of other friends better than her.
Well,
thanks for starting at the bottom
and working your way up.
- Hey, Roz. Dr. Crane.
FRASIER: Oh.
- Hi, Daph. Hello, Dad.
- Oh, hey, Daphne.
What, are you taking piano lessons?
Yeah, Niles is gonna teach me.
I'm so jealous.
I've always wanted to learn to play.
- Well, why don't you sit in with us?
- Really?
- Well, do you think Niles would mind?
- Of course not.
And even if he does,
he's so polite you'll never know.
Hi. I'd like to tell you
about our new frozen coffee drink,
The Caffalanche.
It comes in three flavours.
Frosty Coffee, So Cocoa-Cold
and Chilla-in-Vanilla.
- I'll try the So Cocoa-Cold.
FRASIER: Ha, ha.
Uh, black coffee, thanks.
- I hate what's happened to coffee.
- Dad.
Well, I'm just saying,
I'm a regular joe,
- I like my joe regular.
- I like my joe regular. I know.
What's wrong with plain, old coffee,
the way God made it?
FRASIER:
Nothing.
What is wrong, is subjecting me
to the same shopworn bellyaching
every time you come in here.
Well, excuse me for having an opinion
you don't agree with.
I thought this was America.
Oh, look, it is.
I'm gonna get my coffee to go.
That was a bit harsh, Dr. Crane.
Eight years of the same complaints
about the same things
in the same places.
And I'll say, sometimes I think
he does it just to antagonize me.
Just like an old married couple.
It's cute, isn't it?
Well, I got my black coffee.
Of course, it was more expensive
than a whole meal used to be.
Time was, you could get two eggs,
potatoes, choice of breakfast meat...
And still get change back
from the nickel.
Will you just take your coffee.
See how he talks to me?
- And on our anniversary too.
FRASIER: Oh.
NILES: Now, I want you to position
your hands over the keyboard.
Fingers relaxed, elbows loose.
Good.
Okay, and shoulders low. Good, good.
How are we doing?
- Fine.
- Okay, I guess.
When do we get to press
on the keys?
Whoa, whoa.
We have a lot to learn first.
It could be weeks
before we press down on the keys.
I want to play a song.
Yeah, isn't that why we're here?
Well, all in due time. Here, wait.
Just watch my hands
while I play a scale. Watch this.
[PLAYING THE SCALE]
FRASIER:
Pardon me, Niles,
there was a programme
I planned on watching.
Oh, of course. Uh, we'll continue
the lesson in Daphne's room.
How can we learn without a piano?
With these workbooks
and a box of adhesive stars.
MAN [ON TV]:
It would seem as though...
Brr, that guy sure looks cold.
What are we watching?
I'm watching Lost on a Mountain.
Ah...
It is not remarkable that Everest...
That the mountain?
Yes.
Well, they sure don't look lost.
That's the search party.
Oh.
So who's lost?
Apparently you are.
If you don't stop interrupting,
I will be too.
- nine climbers
from four different countries
have come to the summit.
They knew an approaching storm
might well hamper their efforts,
but were determined
to press forward nonetheless.
[MUMBLES]
Pretzel?
[CHAIR SCREECHES]
- Do you mind?
- [MUMBLES] I'm sorry.
- but ascending Everest
is only half the journey.
The journey
back down the mountain...
[CHAIR SCREECHES]
[CHAIR SCREECHES]
[CHAIR SCREECHES]
Still, he felt he had little choice
but to participate in the effort.
Oh, that's it, Dad!
Is there nothing you do
that doesn't create some cacophony?
Well, I didn't do it on purpose.
I was trying to be considerate.
If you were,
you would have oiled that chair
when it began squeaking
five years ago.
Boy, I don't know what's got into you
but you've been a real jerk lately.
You should watch TV
somewhere else.
I should go elsewhere? I?
Just what do you suggest?
That I find, uh, a documentary bar
and watch it on their big screen?
You know what?
I am just going to go take a talk.
Leave you with the television.
You enjoy yourself.
Good day.
[DOOR SLAMS]
I wish you would stop
hanging your coat on my peg!
NILES: Dad?
MARTIN: Down here.
Oh, my God, Dad.
Oh, I thought you'd capsized.
No, I was oiling my chair.
The squeaking was bugging Frasier.
[NILES GASPS]
The carpet is a whole shade lighter
under there.
Oh. Except for those little black dots
you just made.
Oh, shoot.
- I better get a towel.
- I'll get it.
No, it's all right. I'll get it. Oh!
- Oh, my God.
- Ah! I'll get something
to pick up the grease
and clean it up.
MARTIN:
Oh, my God.
What the hell's happened?
Now, don't get upset.
I was oiling my chair,
trying to get rid of the squeak,
and I had a little spill.
Little spill?
I just had this carpet cleaned!
- I'm sorry, it was an accident.
- Sure, Dad. It was an accident.
It was an accident.
I saw him step on it.
Niles, you know as well as I do,
there are no accidents.
Just admit it, Dad.
Your hostility toward me
has been building through the years,
little by little, until you have
finally struck the Achilles' heel
of my d?cor, the Berber carpet.
I did not do this on purpose.
No? Then I suggest you dig deep
into the twisted caves
of your subconscious,
where malicious acts abide,
clothed in the robes
of plausible excuses!
[SHOUTS] For the last time,
this was not malicious!
It was an accident!
- I don't think you know the difference!
- Yes, I do!
That was an accident!
This is malicious!
NILES:
What colour is the new carpet?
I'm going up a shade
to harvest wheat.
I thought the next shade up
was buff.
It used to be but they've discovered
a whole new colour in between.
So now it's tofu, putty, oatmeal,
- almond,
- almond,
- harvest wheat,
- harvest wheat,
- and buff.
- Buff.
That's going to be hard
to get used to.
Hmm.
Where's Daphne?
Oh, she's out
taking a walk with Dad.
An extra-long walk.
Things have been a little tense
around here
since the quote-unquote accident.
It was an accident.
Well, maybe.
But don't you think the man
should work
on some of his unresolved anger
toward me?
NILES:
If you're asking me to choose sides,
I'm not going to do it.
The man just brings such hostility
into the room.
[FRASIER SIGHS]
Thank you.
You know,
I've been thinking of, uh,
sending him someplace.
Like to a resort?
Like to live with you.
Oh, yes, the last resort.
Making Dad move
does not solve your problem,
it simply avoids it.
Don't start preaching to me.
You've been avoiding him eight years.
- I refuse to discuss this.
- And I refuse your refusal.
Is something burning?
- It smells like it.
- Are you cooking?
And what is that supposed to mean?
Oh, dear God, the chair!
Oh, my God! Oh, here, Niles,
Niles, hand me this drop cloth here.
- I'll smother it.
- All right, all right now, be careful.
NILES: Quickly, quickly.
- Yeah, all right. Just...
- Oh, look out below!
- Look out!
- My God!
- Dr. Crane's moods
never last long.
I'm sure we've seen the worst of it.
- What do we do? What do we say?
- All right, calm down.
The important thing is
it didn't hit anyone.
At least we have that.
But how do we explain this?
We just tell them what happened
as clearly and rationally as possible.
Right, right. Rational.
[SHOUTS] Oh, my God,
did you feel that earthquake?
[SHOUTS]
What the hell happened?
- Where's Daphne?
- She's down cleaning up the mess!
Dad, I can explain.
You threw my chair off the balcony?
I'm so sorry. Just hear me out.
- You crazy?
- I didn't mean to.
Forget what it means to me,
you could've killed someone.
- It was an accident!
- You said there are no accidents!
Clearly I was wrong.
I mean,
why on earth would I do such a thing?
Because you've always been gunning
for that chair.
I accidentally stain your carpet
and you set fire to the one thing
in this apartment I care about
and heave it out into the street!
Dad, I am so sorry.
I didn't mean to.
Please, forgive me.
- I'll buy you another chair.
- Ah, don't do me any favours.
Please, Dad.
I know you're angry right now
and that's normal.
The healthiest thing you can do...
Wanna know the healthiest thing
you can do?
Shut my yap?
Bingo!
NILES:
Yes. Yes.
Yes. No.
I don't like this exercise.
- It's too hard.
- No, no, no, you're doing fine.
You just have to loosen up.
I'll show you.
See?
It's just a little finger exercise.
- I know another little finger exercise.
- Ha, ha.
Daphne, you're not paying attention.
Oh, yes, I am.
Why don't we just cancel the lesson
and spend the day together?
[STAMMERS] What kind of teacher
would I be if I did that?
Oh, that's right.
You're the teacher
and I'm the naughty student
who wouldn't do her homework.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, that'll be Roz.
[NILES SIGHS]
Could you get that?
DAPHNE: Hey, Roz.
- Hey, Daphne.
- Hey, Roz. How'd it go this week?
ROZ: Niles.
Okay, I guess.
- But those exercises aren't easy.
- See?
All right, look, if I'm going too fast,
we'll make some adjustments.
I guess just do the best you can.
[ROZ SIGHS]
[ROZ CLEARS THROAT]
- That's great!
- Ow.
NILES: All right, do it again.
ROZ: Ahem.
You see, Daphne, that's a song.
You said we weren't going
to be playing songs.
Wait, wait, now go down.
Yes, good.
Oh, my God, this is so cool.
I want to play a song.
NILES:
Well...
And you will, Daphne,
as soon as you master your exercises.
You know, why don't you try playing
along on your practise pad?
Oh, shoot.
Hello, Niles.
Hey, Dad.
Um, taking Eddie for a walk?
Yeah, I was afraid if I left him home,
Frasier would set him on fire
and throw him off the balcony.
You see what I'm putting up with?
- Are you gonna let this go on forever?
- Me?
He keeps insisting
I was lashing out deliberately,
which I was not, although God knows
it would've been justified.
What, because of the oil?
This is a lot deeper and a lot darker
than oil and you know it.
The man will not get off my back.
Seems to me you've been giving
as good as you've been getting.
Please.
Ever since our so-called anniversary,
- he keeps insisting on...
NILES: Whoa, whoa,
what does your anniversary
have to do with this?
I guess it just set me off.
It was as though everyone was saying
that the only significant relationship
I'll ever have again is with my father.
So you're not mad at Dad.
You're just mad he isn't a woman.
Well, I got my coffee. Nothing fancy.
But if you don't like it,
you're welcome to set it on fire
and throw it off the balcony.
- Bye, Niles.
- No, wait, Dad.
Frasier just said something
very interesting to me...
- Niles.
- I think you should hear.
- Niles.
- Please, let me help you through this.
Don't forget, I've done my share
of couples counselling.
[SHOUTS]
We are not a couple!
I'm sorry, I only meant
that I am an experienced mediator.
Now, Frasier,
tell Dad what you were just telling me.
All right.
I think...
...that anniversary talk...
...stirred up some issues for me.
That our relationship
is the only one I'll ever have.
That for all intents and purposes,
you are my significant other.
- And that's my fault?
- I didn't say it was your fault, Dad.
You think it's a picnic living with you?
It's not exactly my dream either.
Okay, no, wait, wait, wait, honesty.
This is good.
I'm just saying
I've had a bit of a breakthrough.
Dandy! You've had a breakthrough,
I've lost my chair.
Maybe I could sit
on your breakthrough.
I'll tell you what you can sit on!
Okay, okay, okay. Wait, wait, wait,
let's just keep this constructive.
If you're going to make progress,
you're both going
to have to compromise.
Now, which one of you is willing
to take the first step?
Allow me.
You do this for a living, do you?
[SHOUTS] I do it
because I enjoy working with people!
Niles, I've been thinking. Maybe you
and Roz should continue without me.
- Why would we do that?
- Because she's good.
- Just a second...
- No, no, no, don't worry about me.
I'll find something easier to play,
like a stick.
Daphne, I'm not gonna let you quit.
You're just a slow starter.
It may require a little more time
but you'll improve.
- You really think so?
- You have to trust me.
I don't care how long it takes.
I am going
to make a pianist out of you.
Thank you.
You know, you're much nicer
than my old piano teacher.
- You took lessons before?
- Hmm? Oh, yeah.
Eight years of them.
Mr. Cruikshank.
You know, he once played
at the Royal Albert Hall.
Oh, why did you stop
taking the lessons, honey?
Well, it turns out Mr. Cruikshank
was an unstable man.
He took his own life.
Do you know I was the last person
to see him alive?
Dad, Frasier's here.
What's this?
It's something I got to tell you
I'm sorry for being such a sorehead.
Oh, Dad.
I'm overwhelmed.
Tied the bow myself.
Just... Just pull on it.
It'll come right off.
Yeah? All right.
Oh, how... How unexpected.
You don't like it.
- No, no, I do. It, it's just that...
- I got some guy, Eduardo, to help me.
I figured I couldn't miss.
It's divine.
That's what Eduardo said.
There's just one problem.
If you don't like it...
I know, I can set it on fire
and throw it over the balcony.
No,
I just meant you can take it back.
I want you to be happy.
Frasier, this is a wonderful gesture
on Dad's part.
I do too, Niles. I do.
I'm... I'm very touched, Dad.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
It's just that I had something else
in mind. Uh...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Well, I give up.
Try to do a nice thing...
- What's the matter?
FRASIER: Just...
Ah, good.
Gentlemen, come right in, please.
Uh, just set it right over here.
You bought a chair?
Thanks for telling me.
Give me a chance.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
- I need somebody to sign for this.
- Yes, of course.
In just a moment, please.
Could you wait at the door?
Thank you.
Everyone, I would like to introduce you
to the newest member
of our furniture family.
Where did you find this?
You can't find that, Dad.
It doesn't exist anymore...
...which is why I contacted
a master builder,
showed him some photographs
and had him duplicate it.
As for the material, I tracked down
the original manufacturer
and once I got them to admit
they made it, I had them reweave it.
- It must have cost a fortune.
FRASIER: Yes.
Ironically, this is now
the most expensive piece of furniture
in the entire apartment.
Oh, it's beautiful! Thank you, son.
Well done, Frasier.
Oh, it feels just the same.
I don't want to get up.
Well, that's a shame. I was planning
on taking us both out to dinner, Dad.
- Anywhere you'd like.
- Even the steak house?
Even the steak house.
Niles, Daphne,
you're welcome to join us.
Oh, sorry
but we're in the middle of my piano...
We'd love to.
You know, I'll bet we can get free pie
if we just tell them it's our anniversary.
[MARTIN LAUGHS]