Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 6 - Room Full of Heroes - full transcript

DAPHNE: Wow, look at you.
- Ha-ha-ha.

You look just... like him.

Oh, Daphne, come on, huh?

The theme this evening
is to come dressed as your hero.

Fidel Castro.

Sigmund Freud.

Daphne, don't you think
that bowl is a little bit small

- for a whole night of trick-or-treaters?
- I don't think so.

Children in the building
are too scared to ring our bell.

- Why is that?
- They're afraid of "Old Man Crane."

[CHUCKLES]



- Poor Dad. Ha, ha.
- It's not him, Dr. Crane. It's you.

What? I'm Old Man Crane?

Good Lord, I have tousled
every young head in this building

- from the laundry room to the rooftop.
- Yeah, apparently that's how it started.

They think you're feeling
to see if their brains are ripe.

How do you know all this?

They have a whole rhyme
about you:

[SINGING]
Old Man Crane, Old Man Crane

Make him mad
And he'll eat your brain

That's absurd.

How do children
get such crazy ideas?

[TO Y WEAPONS BEEPING]

Whoa, hey, hey,
keep it down, will you?

- We're just playing.
MARTIN: I know.



But you know how
Old Man Crane gets.

Especially on Halloween,
or as he calls it, "harvest time."

[ALL SCREAMING]

[FOOTSTEPS]

Fras?

Hello... baseball man.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, come on. Joe DiMaggio.

- You know who he is?
- Of course.

Joe DiMaggio was married
to Marilyn Monroe,

who was also married
to Arthur Miller, the playwright,

who wrote Death of a Salesman,
The Crucible.

You see, Dad, I know a lot more
about baseball than you think.

How does this party game
of yours work?

Is it like charades?
Because I don't like charades.

Oh, no, no, Dad,
it's actually much better.

I have devised some questions
that we will answer as our heroes.

What better way to learn
about each other than to explore

the personalities of those
who most inspire us, hmm?

Couldn't we just play charades?

You know, if this evening
goes really well,

I may consider marketing
my little invention.

It's a welcome change
from those theme parties

where someone gets murdered.

Yeah, it could still happen.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Gil, good heavens.

Shouldn't you
be on your way by now?

Well, yes, of course
we'll be playing my little game.

Oh, you don't sound sick.

Oh, now I hear it. Oh...

All right, feel better.

- Isn't that your eighth cancellation?
- Yes.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Must be something
going around at the office, hmm.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey, it's Joe DiMaggio.
- Ma'am.

- I see you've brought a little puppy.
- Yes.

We've been trick-or-treating
all afternoon, and she's exhausted.

Strange. Children in our building
haven't started trick-or-treating.

Are you kidding? I just rode up
the elevator with five Britney Spears

and a sweaty Harry Potter.

I'm gonna go put her down
in your room. Can I change there?

Well, as you know, Roz:

[IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT]
Change can only occur

after years of hard work
und analysis.

- Gonna be a hell of a party.
- Yeah.

What the heck
are you supposed to be?

Reginald Dwight.

You may know me
as Sir Elton John.

FRASIER [IN NORMAL VOICE]:
Daphne, I must say,

I hardly think of Elton John
as an heroic figure.

Yes, he is. He's been a great
musician for over 30 years.

There's also his charity work
and his knighthood.

Well, I never thought of it that way,
which is the point of this evening.

Thank you for putting thought
into your costume

rather than just throwing on
something frivolous.

Ta-da!

MARTIN:
Wow, Roz, you look great!

Oh, Roz, are you serious?

- What?
- Well, your hero is Wonder Woman?

You're supposed to come dressed
as the person you most admire,

whom you most wish to emulate.

I'm not even sure
you can do that to the flag.

I'm sorry. When you said hero,
I thought you meant superhero.

Yes, and when you saw me
dressed in a beard with a cigar,

what superhero did you think I was,
hmm?

That butler who cooked for Batman.

Speaking of which, could you help me
bring out cheese, Wonder Woman?

I'd be glad to, Elton John.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Kenny.

Gosh, don't you think
you should've left by now?

Well, actually, there have been
a few cancellations,

so that will allow us to delve
even deeper into our psyches.

Really? What kind of sick?

Oh, gosh, that sounds horrible.

Yes, all right.
Well, um, take care.

You know, we might be wise
to take some echinacea.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Somebody get me a beer!

MARTIN:
Ah!

Niles, uh, what in the world...?

Well, you said dress as your hero.
Hello, Dad.

[MARTIN LAUGHS]

Holy moly, Niles,
this is unbelievable!

- You like it?
- Oh, I love it!

Ha! But Frasier said
to come as your hero,

not as the handsomest man
in the world.

[LAUGHING]

Niles, I thought you were
going to come as Carl Jung.

- I changed my mind.
- But the idea of this evening

is to come as a classic hero,
someone who truly inspires you.

No offence, Dad, it's...

You know, someone of truly
unquestioned greatness.

- Again, no offence, Dad.
MARTIN: Mm-hm.

Blow it out your whistle. No offence.

- Oh, my goodness. Oh, Niles.
- Oh, isn't that the cutest thing?

What the heck
are you supposed to be?

That's exactly what I said.

[LAUGHING]

FRASIER: Well, I guess
we have a full complement.

We may as well get on
to the main event.

Wonder Woman, Elton John,
Martin Crane, Joe DiMaggio,

I think you all know each other.
Have a seat,

and we will proceed to a night
of frivolity and enlightenment.

Oh. Oh, Joe,
I insist you take my chair.

Thanks, Marty.

All right then, let's dive
into the question bowl.

Now remember, our job
is to answer these questions

as the people we honour tonight.

Well, what if I'm someone
who just wants to watch TV?

- Can I do that?
- Yeah, can he?

[LAUGHING]

Very amusing. Uh, oh, yes,
I took the liberty of jotting down

a few reminders and regulations
for your edification.

- Here you go, Marty.
- Oh, uh...

Niles, you don't really
have to drink that.

I'm already wearing
black shoes with white socks.

I may as well go all the way.

[MARTIN LAUGHS]

All right, question number one.

The inaugural question in the
first game ever of Hero Worship.

Copyright, Frasier Crane,
boilerplate, boilerplate.

As your hero...

..."please share your reaction
to the Human Genome Project.

Not only as a scientific venture, but as
a regulatory challenge to governments,

foreign and domestic."

- No.
- Are you insane?

All right, all right, maybe we'll just
save that for the lightning round.

Well...

As your hero...

..."describe the most significant
relationship in your life." Hmm?

NILES:
Oh, all right.

I'll tell you what, I'll go first.

[IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT]
Though it is common

for a parent to deeply impact
the life of her child,

consider the exponential power

that parent wields
when she loves one of the children

above the rest,

singling him out as "my golden Sigi,"
and referring to...

[IN UNISON]
Boring.

[LAUGHING]

Really, Frasier,
mother, Freud, we get it.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
All right, very well.

Now, in the first of many wrinkles,
the game will proceed

counterclockwise.

- Joe?
- Oh, all right. Ahem.

Well, even though I had a big family,
I'd have to say

that my most important relationship
was probably with Marilyn Monroe.

NILES:
Ooh.

Although I might've
been married before that.

I'm not sure.

[IMITATING ELTON JOHN]
I wrote a song about Marilyn Monroe.

"Candle in the Wind."

Yes, that's very good.

Can't believe I'm saying this,
but, Wonder Woman, you're next.

Okay, uh, my greatest relationship

was with my alter ego,
who was a nurse in the Army,

and her name
was Diana Prince, and...

Hey, I wrote a song
about Princess Diana.

And it was the same song
I wrote about Marilyn Monroe.

- That's weird.
- Really weird.

You would never think
that two such disparate characters

across half a century of time
could be connected like that.

That's because
they're not connected!

The song was written about
Princess Diana, not Diana Prince!

- Still, it's a pretty odd coincidence.
FRASIER: It's not a coincidence at all!

It's two names
that barely sound alike

when one of them
is pronounced in reverse order!

Now, if we could just return
to my game...

It says right here that one of
the objectives is lively conversation.

- What we're having.
- I know my game's objectives,

and they do not include
this nascent migraine!

All right, Martin Crane,

why don't you tell us about
your most significant relationship?

Alrighty.

In 1952, I met a woman
named Hester Palmer,

and even though
she's been gone 14 years,

she was not only
the greatest relationship in my life,

but also the greatest blessing.

I miss her every day.

You're a good boy, Niles.

BOTH:
Aw...

Niles, could I see you
in the kitchen?

Did Niles finally get here?
Where is that boy genius?

Yes, okay.

- Dad, could I see you in the kitchen?
- Why's he looking at me?

- I'm not Freud's dad.
- Martin Crane!

It doesn't take Freud
to see what's going on here.

What are you talking about?

Oh, your little ploy
is working out brilliantly.

Not only have you stolen
my thunder as host,

you've also won the approval
you so desperately crave from Dad.

It's not about craving approval.

This is about honouring someone
I respect and admire.

The fact that you're threatened by it
speaks volumes about your insecurity.

Don't you turn this on me.

I am comfortable
with my relationship with Dad.

Well, then you should be glad
that he's having fun,

which rarely happens
at your parties.

Or mine.

So why don't we both take pride
in that and just be happy for him?

Or as Dad would say, "Shut your big
bazoo and stop thinking so much."

[LAUGHS]

Oh, let's play Scattergories.

Do you have one of those
murder-mystery games?

So that's it, then?
The party's over?

- What? We're just getting started.
- You're not playing my game.

This is chaos.
We're people in costumes drinking.

Amen!

Here, Roz, uh, would you
take a picture of Marty Crane

with his hero, Joe DiMaggio.

[LAUGHING]

- It'll make a great Christmas card.
FRASIER: Yeah, good idea, Dad.

You've already ruined Halloween.
Why not ruin Christmas too?

NILES: Frasier, come on, relax.
We're just having fun.

Hey, have a beer.
It really takes the edge off.

- Yeah, don't be a spoilsport.
- Spoilsport?

I haven't spoiled anything.
I'm not the bad guy here.

[SCREAMING]

[BO Y LAUGHS]

[CHILDREN GASPING]

JUSTIN:
Hey, that's mine!

- Did that boy just steal your candy?
- Yeah.

If you tell me his name,
I'll go speak to his parents for you.

His parents are my parents.

He's my brother.

FRASIER:
Ah...

- It isn't easy having a brother, is it?
- No.

They can be selfish
and thoughtless.

- And butt-faces.
- Butt-faces, yes.

And butt-faces too.

But you know what might
put things right?

What?

The smallest pinch
of fibreglass in his bed.

It'll get under his skin. It'll itch for days,
with no clue how it got there.

Have you seen those spare rolls
of insulation in the basement?

- That sounds pretty mean.
- Huh.

He stole your candy, didn't he?

And embarrassed you
in front of your friends?

I guess.

- But still, he's not so bad.
- Seemed pretty bad a moment ago.

- Well, he was just showing off.
- Ah.

- But most days he's all right.
- Still, the man stole your candy.

And ruined your
much-anticipated evening.

Shouldn't there be repercussions?

Are you okay?

Yes.

I suppose I'm just having
a bit of a temper tantrum, that's all.

- Yeah, I get those too.
- Ha, ha.

Well, I'm going home.

- See you later.
- Yup, see you later.

Say, you know,
maybe I'll go home too.

If your brother
doesn't give back your candy,

you can come trick-or-treating
at my apartment.

I got bags of the stuff.
You can have all you want.

Really? Awesome.

Apartment 1901.

1901?

You're the guy who eats brains.

Now, come on.
If I really ate brains,

children would be disappearing
from the building all the time.

You haven't noticed
anything like that, have you?

- No.
- That's because I don't eat brains.

[CHUCKLES]

Not human brains, anyway.

A nice fresh order of calves' brains
in a beurre noir sauce,

now that would be...

I don't eat brains.

[CHUCKLES]

- All right, stop it.
- What?

I don't wanna watch myself
make out with Elton John.

Hello, all.

- Hey.
NILES: Oh...

I would like to apologise
for my petulant departure.

I just want us to all
enjoy ourselves this evening.

And, Niles, I never should've
questioned your motives

for this wonderful tribute.

Thank you, son.

[BELCHES]

DAPHNE:
It was our fault too, Dr. Crane.

- We didn't give your game a chance.
- Yeah. Let's give it another shot.

Joltin' Joe wouldn't quit,
and neither will I.

[DAPHNE CHUCKLES]

Roz, since you misunderstood
the theme,

I'll tell you what, why don't you answer
this question as your true hero,

whomever that may be.

Actually, I didn't
misunderstand anything.

You made so much fun
of my costume,

I got so embarrassed, so I lied.

Wonder Woman really is my hero.

I mean, she's smart and beautiful,
moral, and totally independent.

And talk about hooters.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, I'd keep that to myself.

Roz, I never should've criticised you.
I am terribly sorry.

- Thank you.
NILES: Oh, Daphne,

- you didn't bring me a brewster.
- I think you've had enough.

Oh, you can never
have enough beer, Jodi.

That's Joe D.

- Niles, I believe that you're next.
NILES: Huh.

Tell us about your hero's
greatest disappointment.

Um... Oh, well, that I never got to take
my kids to see Joe DiMaggio play.

Oh, that's not your fault, Marty.
I retired when they were infants.

Guess it's not that important.

My kids wouldn't know a baseball
if it hit them in the face.

In fact, hm-hm,

that pretty much describes
their one day in Little League.

[LAUGHING]

No offence, Joe,
my kids did not care about baseball.

Hell, they didn't care about
anything that was important to me.

- Hey, now, that's not fair.
NILES: No, no, no, Joe.

I'm saying you and me,
we're regular guys.

You know, we know how to hang out
with regular guys and shoot the breeze

and knock a few back,
but, uh, not my kids.

No, they're too good for that stuff.

They, uh... They got all their fancy
degrees, but they never learned...

...how to be regular guys.

I guess if I had to pick
my two biggest disappointments...

You stop right there.

You will not
put these words in my mouth.

I was always proud of you boys,

and I will not be portrayed as some
drunken, judgemental jackass.

That's why I didn't
dress as you, Dad.

You're a good son, Frasier.

I'll go round up Alice.

Another great party.

I am so sorry. I, uh...

- I don't know what got into me.
- I'd say about six of these.

Everything was so perfect,
and I just... blew it.

L... I feel terrible.

Oh, Niles, why don't you
just go talk to him?

I'm sure I am the last person
he wants to see right now.

Oh, I wouldn't be so sure
about that.

He's not your hero for nothing.

Right. Heh. Thank you, Frasier.

But maybe you should
talk to him as Niles.

Ah, good idea. Heh-heh-heh.

Ow.

- Hey, uh, help me get this wig off.
FRASIER: Fine.

- Ow!
- I'm sorry.

- Ow!
- Ow!

- Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Ow! Stop it! All right.

You put too much spirit gum on it.

I'm gonna need something
to pry it off.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- I'll get it.
FRASIER: All right.

- Here, try this.
- Oh, thanks, Daphne.

All right, now, come on.
Now, hold still.

NILES: Easy, easy, easy...
- All right, come on.

CHILDREN:
Trick or treat!

DAPHNE:
Oh, how lovely. One moment.

NILES: Wait, you're hurting me!
FRASIER: Because you keep fighting!

[NILES SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

No, children, come back!

I've got candy!