Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 5 - Love Stinks - full transcript

Roz starts dating a garbage man, but has a hang-up with his profession. Frasier tries to change his co-workers' image of him as a snob by throwing a huge party for the entire station at his place.

Cranberry muffin, please,
and, uh, a vanilla latte.

Oh, dear, comfort food.
What happened?

Niles, do you think I'm elitist?

Of course I do.
You needn't worry about that.

No, not in the good way.
At work today,

I discovered
an injurious graffito about me

scrawled on the men's room wall.

- No.
- Yes.

Quote:

"There once was a man
Frasier Crane

Who says he can feel your pain



But he acts like a snob
To the guys at his job

And I think he's totally lame"

That's terrible. There's a tense shift
and a proximate rhyme.

The scansion
leaves a lot to be desired.

No, no, no. You're missing the point.

I have always striven
to be approachable.

The embodiment of the words:

If you can talk with crowds
and keep your virtue

Or walk with kings...
nor lose the common touch

Exactly. Thank you.
If my maligner truly knew who I was,

then he would have found that a more
apt characterization than "snob."

- Assuming he's familiar with Kipling.
- Heh. What are the odds?

Well, Roz, I'd ask you join us,
but I see you already had happy hour.

[FRASIER LAUGHS]



Well, here, please join us. So...?

- Well, um, his name is Roger.
FRASIER: Yeah.

And, uh, we've been kind of going out
for the last couple of weeks.

- All right, tell us about him.
- He's very sweet,

and he's a garbage man.
So go ahead, make your jokes.

What jokes? I mean,
why does everyone assume

- I look down on the common man?
- Oh, I've got a good one. Uh...

So even in his off time,
he's taking out the trash?

[ROZ LAUGHS]

Technically,
that's really more about Roz.

If I were to make a joke about him,
which I wouldn't,

I'd say he has a thing for Roz's can.

- Oh, that's good, that's good.
- You two finished?

- Okay, okay. So...
- Thank you.

And don't worry, I won't get dumped.

BOTH:
Oh.

Yes.

- I'd already passed on that.
- Yes, it was a bit on the nose.

- On the nose. Yes, that's right.
- Uh-huh.

- Dad, Daphne.
- Hey. Look what your father found.

A picture of you
in a teddy-bear costume.

[DAPHNE LAUGHING]

Why do you have all this out?

Well, I was making room
in the storage closet

- and I found some of your old stuff.
DAPHNE: Oh.

- What else is in here?
- Well, here's your cap

and your blazer
from Bryce Academy.

NILES AND DAPHNE:
Oh.

Oh, I bet you were
the cutest thing in that.

- Oh, well, here's a picture of me in it.
- Oh.

NILES:
Oh, oh, oh.

Bobby Fischer's autograph.

Well, son, it's been enough years.

I can probably tell you the truth
about that.

- What?
- Oh, look.

A picture of you
in your first Little League uniform.

I don't know why I said first.

- Was that your game face?
- Oh, no, no.

L... I'd just lost a tooth
due to an errant pitch.

- Tell her who was pitching.
- I was.

- Flowers from your new beau?
- Yeah.

Must be nice to be liked.

Are you still
obsessing over that limerick?

People are making additions.

Good lord, I have read anthologies
with fewer contributing authors.

- I'm sure they'll all wash right off.
- If only there were a solvent

that could remove the stains
they've left on my spirit.

It was a joke. What's the big deal?

Oh, yes, I know. Being written up on
a bathroom wall is no big deal to you.

But that limerick made a point,
as all good limericks do.

It seems to have resonated
with everyone around here.

I want these people to know
the real Frasier Crane.

Wouldn't it be better
if you tried to make them like you?

Yes. And to that end I was thinking
along the lines of, oh,

say, a little party
for the entire staff at my place.

- Hey, you could bring Roger.
- Thanks,

but I think it's too soon. I don't wanna
put any pressure on him.

Come on, Roz, you always say
you don't have a date for these things.

It's gonna be a lot of radio talk and I'm
not sure he's gonna be comfortable.

Who is?

Come on, Roz, I'd like to meet him.

I don't know. Maybe next party.

Does this have anything to do
with his occupation?

You know,
his being a refuse collector?

No, I am completely
comfortable with his job.

I just don't want him to feel awkward
around other people.

- Not that he should, or would.
- Yes, all right, fine.

Fine. If you change your mind,

he's more than welcome, all right?
It promises to be a real wingding.

If being a snob is the reputation
I've built around here,

then this party will be the wrecking ball
of congeniality that tears it down.

[CHUCKLES]

- Yeah, say stuff like that.
- Yeah.

- Say, "Come on, Mom."
- Come on, Mom.

- Say, "Don't be a wuss."
- Don't be a wuss.

I'm not a wuss.

Oh, I know you were
gonna make dinner,

but why not just
open a can of something?

How'd you think
I was gonna make dinner?

Alice, go pick out some p.j.'s.

Hey, when you're done,
I got a special book for you.

It's called Make Room for Monkeys.
Now, hurry up, get out of here. Go on.

Oh.

Make Room for Monkeys?

Where did you find this?
You know, it's out of print.

Yeah, well, a certain
very bad skater that I know

told me it was her favourite book
when she was growing up,

so I kept my eyes open
and I found it in a pile of old books.

You mean, like at the dump?

No, not a dump. Please.

It's a secret underground landfill
accessible only to garbage men.

And the Mole People who live there.

I used to be one of them,
but, ah, then I decided

to join the surface dwellers
and find my queen.

[ROZ GIGGLES]

Thank you. That's very thoughtful.

And you will make an excellent Mole.

Of course, after a year underground,
your eyes will fuse shut.

- Your sense of smell will...
- Okay, stop, stop.

Do you joke around
about your career

because you're uncomfortable
talking about it?

You mean
deeply and utterly ashamed?

Uh, whatever. Your words.

I don't know. I never really
thought about it as a career.

I mean, it's just a job to me.

You know, it's got great benefits
and afternoons off,

and whenever I have a family,
I'll get to spend a lot of time with them.

How sweet will that be?

Would you like to go to a party
with me on Saturday?

I'd love to. I found
a great pair of shoes this morning.

They damn near match.

FRASIER: Good to see you. Glad you
could come. Make yourselves at home.

Why don't you introduce me
to some of your friends?

I wish I could, Dad.

I don't know
any of these people myself.

You don't?
I better go hide my beer in the crisper.

Hey, Frasier,
thanks for inviting me to your party.

Well, it's my pleasure, man.

[LAUGHING AWKWARDLY]

- Did you, uh, see the game today?
- Actually, I did not.

Oh, man, it was a real squeaker.
UDub pulled it out at the end

with a last-second field goal.
It's all about special teams. Am I right?

Oh, yeah. Ha, ha. Yeah...

You know, l... I think they prefer
the term "challenged."

- Roz, Roz, come on in. Hey.
- Hi.

- Good to see you.
ROZ: Mwah.

- And you must be Roger.
- Yeah.

- Lovely to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- Hey, Jason.
- Oh... Oh, this is Jason. Roger.

ROGER:
How are you?

Yeah, the, uh...
The old J-man here and I

were just, uh, shooting the breeze,
you know.

Oh, this guy.

Okay, enjoy yourself there.

All right, so, Roz, um...

Roger, do you think I could borrow Roz
for just one minute?

- Yeah, no problem.
- Thanks so much.

Roz, Roz, please don't leave me
alone here.

I don't know any
of these people's names.

Frasier, I cannot desert Roger
in a room full of nosy strangers.

Well, look, look. He's already met Dad.
He knows as many people as I do.

Sorry, you're gonna have
to find yourself another patsy.

Well, where the hell am I supposed
to find another...? Kenny.

Hey, Roz. Looking sweet.

Hey, Noel.

So that's the competition. Hmm.

Or are you just using him
to get me jealous?

Actually, I forgot
you were gonna be here.

I'll bet you regret
bringing the arm candy now, huh?

So, uh, what's he do?

He works for the city.

Oh.

So, in a manner of speaking, I pay
his salary, which makes me his boss.

Does that turn you on?

Roger, would you like
something to drink?

Yeah, I'll come with you.

- Nice meeting you, Martin.
CHERYL: Hey, Roz.

- Hey, Cheryl.
- Introduce me to your friend.

- Roger, this is Cheryl.
- Hey, how are you doing?

Hi. Nice to meet you.
I think I know you from somewhere.

Yeah? Maybe I work
in your neighbourhood.

- Oh, what do you do?
- I'm...

What doesn't he do?

He sends me flowers, and gives
me massages, and he's just great.

Really?
You know she has a kid, right?

Okay, Cheryl.

So, uh, why didn't you tell her
what I do?

[SCOFFS]

And have her stalking you at work?
I don't think so.

- Great party, Frasier.
- Oh, thanks.

- I'm glad you could come... Dennis.
- Dennis.

- Uh, you too... Emily. Uh...
- Emily.

FRASIER: When are you expecting...
- No!

- This weather to change?

Well, you're not the first rustler who's
tried to cut my little filly from the herd.

So did you guys, uh,
happen to see the game today?

- No, I missed that. Who won?
- Well, actually, it was a real squeaker.

Uh, UDub pulled it out at the last
second with a real clutch field goal.

Say, Dad, what's going on?

I don't know.

Yeah, the station manager's
sort of the head honcho.

You know, the go-to guy.

You could replace virtually everybody
else at the station except for me.

- And Roz. So, what do you do?
- I'm a...

Roger, could you
please get me a sandwich?

Yeah, okay.

So I take it handsome's
not in the biz, huh?

- Heh, heh.
- So, what's he do?

What difference
does it make, Kenny?

Why are people so obsessed
with what people do?

Every party you go to,

all anyone ever asks you is,
"What do you do? What do you do?"

You know, not everyone has a job
they're proud of.

Did you ever think of that?

Why can't you ask him about music,
or sports, or books, for God's sake?

"Have you read a good book lately?"
Why don't you ask him that,

instead of embarrassing everybody?

Here's your sandwich, Roz.

So have you read
any good books lately?

No, actually, us garbage men
don't have a lot of time to read books.

And we have to get up pretty early
in the morning

so I guess I better get out of here.

Bye, Roz.

[SIGHS]

- Hey, Frasier, thanks a lot.
- Right.

It was really nice meeting everyone.

Goodbye.

[WHISPERS]
Roger.

I know that.

DENNIS: Hey, Crane man.
FRASIER: Oh, Dennis, Lisa, hi.

Patty. Oh, looking good.

[LAUGHING]

Kill me.

What are you talking about?
You're Mr. Popularity.

Yes. And it's a living hell.

I have spent the entire morning
exchanging fake pleasantries

with a bunch of people that I have
absolutely nothing in common with.

I miss being unapproachable.

I thought you wanted to be loved
by the common man.

Yes, but couldn't they have sent
just one representative?

Ugh.

[SIGHS]

Roz?

I'm sorry.

Ever since Roger and I broke up,
I can't look at trash the same way.

- You want to talk about it?
- No, it's okay.

It's just so weird.

You go through life meeting people
who are all the same, you know?

And they just think
you're the same too.

And then one day you meet this guy.

But he's not the same because he
actually sees that you're not the same.

And he knows
because he's the same way.

Tsk.

Roz, sounds to me like you're in love.

[SOBBING]

I can't be.

I know that this is shallow,
and I hate myself for it,

but I can't be in love
with a garbage man.

Well, then you need to move on

and realise that you've learned
something about yourself.

Great. I've learned that I'm a snob.

No, no,
just that you have certain standards

that it may be difficult
for others to live up to.

You know, Roz, seems you and I
are more alike than we thought.

Okay, now I'm really miserable.

- Look at me, I'm a mess.
- Well, I'll tell you what.

We got a few minutes before the
show starts. Go clean yourself up.

JASON: Hey, hey, hey.
NOEL: Dr. Crane.

DENNIS: Crane man.
JASON: What's going on?

Well, my show, in about two minutes.
Uh, what can I do for you, gentlemen?

Sue invited all of us to her place

to watch the fight tonight
on pay-per-view.

Right. Uh, well, as tempting as that
sounds, I'm afraid I'll have to decline.

- Okay, we'll catch you next time.
- Well, actually, you won't.

Jason, Noel, you there, uh...

Uh...

I've been living a lie.

Let me tell you a little something
about things I don't like.

Boxing, for one.
Sporting events of any kind. Uh...

Barbecues, office parties,
buddy movies.

Any dish made with marshmallows.

Uh, things that I do like:
The opera, the symphony,

Elizabethan revenge dramas,
et cetera.

So if you're not inclined
toward any of these interests,

well, then, frankly,

our association can be civil at best.

- Are we all clear on this concept?
- I told you.

[MUTTERING]

FRASIER:
Have a good day.

[CHUCKLES]

Hmm.

Hey, what's going on?

I found another box of pictures

- from your childhood.
- Oh, no.

- Oh, look at this one. You're adorable.
- Yes, it's all adorable.

My retainer, and the membership card
to the Young Magicians Club,

and that picture of me
in my choo-choo jammies.

With your caboose hanging out.

- Adorable.
- What...?

Can we just give my childhood
a rest for a while?

How would you feel if I took your most
humiliating moments

and put them on display?

You know, I think I've got
the perfect picture frame for this one.

So she puts a few pictures out.
What's the big deal?

There's a whole part of your life
she missed out on.

Oh, I guess.

Besides, I like seeing your old stuff.

Oh, no one around here
draws pictures anymore.

What the hell is this supposed to be,
anyway?

Oh, that is an Egyptian
battle scene from Aida.

Look, that's Radames,
and that's the jealous Amneris and...

Look, I misspelled Amonasro.

Oh, to be 6 again.

- What is that?
- Some things from my childhood.

You asked how I'd feel if the shoe
was on the other foot.

- Go ahead, take a look.
- Oh. Okay

Hmm.

Oh, well, that's a wonderful drawing
of a, uh, turtle.

No, that's my dad
crawling home from the pub.

- Well, why did you sign it Dappy?
- Oh, my mom did that.

My family called me Dappy
because I couldn't say Daphne.

- Really?
- Yeah, I hated it.

My brothers would sing,
"Dappy, Dappy, wet her nappy".

Well, I think it's precious, Dappy.

I'm going to call you that
from now on, Dappy.

- No, you won't.
- Well, how about I call you Dappy

until you put mementos back in the
box? How does that sound, Dappy?

- That's not fair.
- Oh, Dad.

You'll never guess what silly nickname
Daphne was called as a child.

Is it worse than Piles?

Well, that can't bring up
fond memories.

[TRUCK ENGINE REWING]

Roger's here.
Could I just go see him?

- I don't think so, sweetie.
- Why?

- Well, it's hard to explain.
- Why?

[SIGHS]

- It's complicated.
- Why?

Mommy works in an office
and Roger works in a truck.

And people in offices and
people in trucks... It's complicated.

- But I like Roger.
- I know, honey.

- Do you like Roger?
- Yes, but...

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Okay.

Sarah, can you look after Alice?

I'll be right back.

Roger.

Hi.

I'm so sorry
that I've been such an idiot.

I don't... I don't know
what's been wrong with me.

All I know
is that I miss you like crazy.

Do you still have an opening
for a Mole queen?

You sure?