Frasier (1993–2004): Season 9, Episode 2 - Don Juan in Hell: Part 2 - full transcript

I'm crazy about you.
I started to feel like

you didn't want to be here with me.

Oh, gosh, nothing could be further
from the truth.

I'll tell you something else.

I'm happy.

Ahh.

I'm glad, Frasier. I'm happy too.

I'm on vacation with my girlfriend,
Claire,

a woman who by all conventional
measures is perfect for me,

and yet I've just had
a vivid sexual dream

about someone
who differs from her entirely.



It's a woman named Lana.

[CAR ENGINE RUNNING]

Excuse me, but why
do I have to sit in the back seat?

Seriously, my legs
are starting to cramp back here.

No, seriously, why is she here at all?

I have just as much right to be here
as you.

"Here" doesn't mean the front seat.

All right, listen, ladies,
we got about an hour to go.

I would like to have a little quiet.
I'm going to turn on some music.

[OPERA PLAYING ON RADIO]

[CHATTERING]

Morning, gang.

MARTIN: Hi, Niles.
CLAIRE: Hello.

How's my natural man?



Mm. As hungry as I am hairy.

No kidding.
That goatee sure came in fast.

I know. I credit the hothouse
atmosphere of this tropical paradise.

That and our nearly constant nudity.

[DAPHNE LAUGHS]

Gone is the citified dandy
of just last week.

In his place stands a feral Caliban,
a sandy-bottomed Dionysus,

a lusty, insatiable... Oh, scones.

- Here is your special order.
- Thank you.

Oh, I'm starving. Claire and I
have been up fishing since 5 a.m.

You've already got more fish
than we could eat in a year.

Oh, we didn't just fish.
We went for a swim,

explored some caves,
watched a school of dolphins.

But the best part was when he taught
me how to hypnotise a lobster.

- You what?
- It's all in the eyes.

[MARTIN AND CLAIRE LAUGH]

[NILES CHUCKLES]

Hey, Marty, try this.

Mm. Not bad.

Hey, Niles, try this pancake.
Claire had them crumble the bacon

- right into the batter.
- Oh, I don't really like pancakes.

Well, that's because
you're used to Daphne's. Here.

Oh, those are magnificent.

And Claire invented them.

Yes, no doubt on the seventh day
while you were resting.

[ALL LAUGH]

- Good morning, all.
ALL: Hi, Frasier.

Hello, my sweet darling man.

Ha, ha. Hello, kiddo.

So have they found your luggage yet,
Dr. Crane?

FRASIER:
Ha. Fat chance.

- Souvenir of your stay?
- Oh, sure, yeah.

- This is a brunch to remember.
FRASIER: Yeah, here we are.

NILES: It's not a vacation until dad
takes a picture of one of his meals.

Very good. Thank you very much.
Well done.

Pick them up at the front desk.

CLAIRE: Well, sorry to run off,
but I have to finish packing.

- Right. Okay.
- I'll see you up in the room.

MARTIN: Bye.
- Bye.

- Oh, she's a real find, Fras.
- Yes, she is, isn't she?

- Oh, excuse me.
- Yes, sir.

Can we have another
picture of just the family?

- No problem.
- Thank you.

Well, what about Claire?
She's practically family.

Oh, very much so,
but there may come a time when,

say, she isn't.

Thank you again.

Oh, hey, we better get going, Daph.

We got fish to pack.

Oh, and I didn't filet them

because Claire
said you can use the heads for soup.

Well, when I'm chopping them off,
I'll be thinking of her.

Niles, listen,

I didn't wanna say anything
in front of the others,

but I find myself
in a bit of a quandary.

Well, it's not so much a quandary,
really, as it's more of a pickle.

Well, not so much a pickle,
but, well, no more than a cornichon.

What is it?

I think I wanna be with Lana,
not Claire.

Forgive me, Frasier,
but that's one big-ass cornichon.

I know, I know. I'm having a perfectly
wonderful time with Claire.

It's just that my mind
keeps drifting back to Lana.

For God's sake, why?
She's loud, she's crass, she's...

Yes, yes, but she's also challenging,
sexy and exciting.

I'm just afraid I may have let go
of that too hastily.

Frasier, you do this every time.

You are in a great relationship
with Claire.

Don't over think it, embrace it.

You're right, Niles.

Thank you.
Yes, I should just go with it.

I don't know what's wrong
with me. I don't know why

I keep insisting
on overanalyzing everything.

Because you're crazy, that's why.

Claire's perfect for you,
but I like her too.

How many times does that happen?

- But what about Lana?
MARTIN: Oh, forget Lana.

Stay with Claire.

Stay with Claire. Stay with Claire.

Dad, I am not a lobster.

Of course I'm going to stay
with Claire.

Just going through some momentary
doubts, and I needed your guidance.

- Glad you got what you needed.
- Thank you.

I feel completely at ease now.

No more doubts,
no more nagging questions.

Just being a little overly cautious,
that's all.

Who can blame you?

I'm not sure about Claire either.

God knows she has quite the fan club
around here,

but I think you can do much better.

You'll know
when you meet the right person.

You'll feel it in your gut.

It's true.

But, you see, I don't want
to feel like I'm leading her on.

Maybe I should tell her what I'm going
through, be completely honest.

Whoa, that's just
what you don't wanna do.

So you vote for Claire?

I don't know.

Lana has her good points

and don't underestimate the crush
you had on her in 11th grade.

But Claire can give you
sophisticated conversation,

and she leaves a clean area.

I don't envy you your choice.

Lift your feet, please.

Excuse me, miss,
do you have the time?

Yes, it's... Niles?

Yeah, mon.

You look...

Did you get hit on the head
by a coconut?

The coconut of revelation.

I discovered a whole new side
of myself in Belize

and I'm not going to abandon
Island Niles

just because my vacation's over.

Well, Island Niles
might wanna rethink the short pants.

Island Niles would prefer
not to wear pants at all.

You should have seen us, Roz,
out in the elements,

nothing on our bodies
but sun block 120.

It was exhilarating and primal
and, frankly,

it's disappointing to have to strap
myself back into these fabric shackles.

So you're gonna be spending
all your time at the nude beach now?

Seattle has a nude beach?

Well, not officially,
but just south of Alki

there's this little strip
near the lighthouse.

Thanks for the tip, Roz.

Here's another one: Don't go on
Thursdays. It's senior-volleyball day.

Oh, well, Roz,
I see you've met Island Niles.

At least he did you the courtesy
of putting a shirt on.

I'm still not wearing underpants.
Hang loose.

May I have a latte, please?

Well, Roz, you'll be pleased to know
I have come to a decision:

- Claire it is. So long, Lana.
- Are you sure?

Trust me. The brain is racked, the soul
is searched, the window is closed.

Claire in, Lana out.

- I'm glad to hear it.
- Yes.

Hey, Roz. Hi, Frasier.

Lana, uh, hi, um.

- Hello.
- Wow, you look great.

Not as great as you do.
I mean, thanks, ha, ha.

- Hey, Roz.
- Kirby.

- It's been too long.
- No, it hasn't.

- Or has it?
- No.

So, what brings you here?

Well, actually,
we just picked up the invitations

- for Kirby's graduation party.
- Oh.

Roz, you're invited too.
After all, you motivated Kirby to study.

Well, no,
Frasier was the one who helped him.

I was just his last-minute prom date.

You were the prize
that I kept my eyes on.

And for your FYI,
I'm cool for hanging out

just as platonic friends
or whatever.

Um, Kirby, we should go
if we're gonna pick up your inhaler.

Thanks a lot, Mom.

I only need it in the fall.

- Oh, we'll see you at the party.
- Right.

Hey, Frasier,
don't you be a stranger.

Oh, no, I won't, uh.

Don't you be a stranger either,

to me.

- Let me guess. Lana in, Claire out.
- What, that? Oh, that was nothing.

She just merely caught me off guard.
Don't go reading anything into that.

Okay, if you say so.

- Frasier, I gotta go.
- All right.

But let not either us
be strangers be.

Oh, I apologise
for the inconvenience

but, uh, at least
there's a happy ending, right?

And my suitcase

is inside this to keep it safe?

- So...
- That is not my bag.

Right. I'll keep looking.

You been waiting here long?

Time is irrelevant here
in the seventh circle of hell.

The place where even despair dies.

- Prepare yourself for a lifetime...
- Oh, here it is.

Oh, well, how nice for you.

Hey, you're Dr. Frasier Crane,
aren't you? I'm a big fan.

Oh, it's always nice to meet a fan.

Yeah, thanks. Hey, do you give advice,
you know, off the clock?

- This isn't really a good time.
- I've gotten my life into a tangle.

- I'm sorry, really.
- I'm torn between these two women.

I'm listening.

I'm with this woman,
her name's Kathy. She's great.

But the only problem
is I can't stop thinking about my ex.

I mean, she was a real handful,
but now that we're apart,

- I just miss her like crazy.
- Of course you do.

And no matter how hard you try
to focus on this new relationship,

- your mind keeps drifting back to her.
- Exactly. I mean, I even have these...

- Dreams.
- Yes.

Wow, you're good.
What should I do?

Well, what are you thinking
of doing?

Yeah...

The classic shrink response. Um...

I'm thinking,

do I really wanna break things off
with this woman?

- Who you thought was perfect for you.
- But how perfect could she be

if I'm obsessing
about another woman?

- That's the conundrum.
- Am I sure enough to break her heart?

Yes, especially when the rest
of the family just loves her.

- Yeah... No, they don't.
- No, stick with me. Stick with me.

It all boils down to this:

Which of these two women

do you see
spending the rest of your life with?

Right.

Right, of course. L...

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

I think it's pretty obvious
what I have to do.

What a relief.

- Thanks, doc.
- Wait, wait. Let's go back.

- Just so I'm sure you're sure.
- Yeah.

Who are you picking?

My ex. I mean, if I'm really honest
with myself, she's the one I love.

As long as I stay with Kathy,
I'm just being a jerk.

Well, to be fair,
you have struggled with these issues.

No, I've really just been trying
to have my cake and eat it too.

Thanks, Dr. Crane.
I know what I have to do now.

I'm sorry I'm a little late.
I'll start your lunch right away.

Oh, no need.

Claire made the best devilled-ham
sandwich in the history of devilling.

Oh, too bad I missed her.

More good news: She's still here.

- Here you go, Marty.
- Oh, thanks, toots.

Claire, I can't imagine
you came all the way over here

- just to make sandwiches.
- Oh, no. Here, let me take those.

I'm making fish jerky.

You know the secret
to making fish jerky, don't you, Marty?

No idea.

- Feed them coffee.
- Feed them...

That's terrific. You hear that, Daph?

I'm standing right here.

And don't you love her laugh?
It's like music.

Marty, you are just the sweetest.

[CLAIRE LAUGHING]

You used to think my accent
sounded musical, didn't you?

- Marty?
- Yeah, but now I'm used to it.

- Afternoon, Daphne, Dad.
- Niles.

What happened
to my noble savage?

I'll tell you what happened.

Roz told me about this wonderful
nude beach

so I went down there this morning
to check it out for us.

Well, it was so peaceful,
I decided to do my sunrise tai chi,

have my naked body caressed
by the rosy fingers of the new dawn.

Oh, jeez.

Well, I left my clothing
and my cares in the car,

walked down to the beach
for my first exercise,

Grasping the Bird's Tail.

Just at that moment, the sun
peaked over the mountaintops,

illuminating
not only my splendid nakedness,

but the bus
for the Christian Women's Society.

They went to a nude beach?

No, and neither did I.

So the next few minutes are a blur as I
zigzagged my way back to the car,

being pelted with driftwood
and Bibles.

Needless to say,
Island Niles died on that beach.

Oh, honey.

- Will he ever be back?
- Maybe at Christmas.

- Hello, all.
- Hey.

Oh, Niles, welcome back.

Hi, Frasier.

- Claire.
- Did you get your luggage?

Uh, no, they didn't have it, uh.

Could I see you in the kitchen
for a minute?

Sure.

Okay, Mr. Crane,

- it's time for your exercises.
- Already did them.

Oh, when have you ever done
your exercises before lunch?

Claire and I did them together.

She has a way of making them
seem like fun.

Yeah, well, if they're fun,
they're not really working, but all right.

- Actually, Claire says...
- Oh, shut up.

If we need privacy
it's either very good or very bad.

Well, it's not so good, I'm afraid.

I realise this is sudden.

It's just that I've been tossing
and turning for several days

and I just can't keep going like this.

What are you talking about?

Well, Claire, I'm talking about...

parting ways. I'm sorry.

It's over?

Just like that?

Claire, I realise how painful
this must be for you.

Ow.

- You kicked me.
- Well, you dumped me.

I said I was sorry.

Ow.

Well, I guess I'll go home
and take down the hammock.

I love you, darling.

I love you too.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Hello, Roz.

The wrong beach?
Thanks for the warning.

That would've been embarrassing.

Well, see you later.

Well, actually you won't.
Frasier just dumped me.

What? What happened?

I honestly don't know.
I was having such a good time

and now I'm out here.

I don't even know what went wrong.

Oh, um...

I'm sorry.

I really liked him.
I liked all of you so much.

I was starting to feel like
part of the family. I was...

...hoping we'd end up like sisters.

Sisters?

I never had a sister.

Just brothers.

Same here.

[BOTH CRYING]

What the hell happened?

Claire just ran out of here
without even saying goodbye.

- We broke up.
- What?

Well, I broke up with her.

You are a piece of work, aren't you?

You just couldn't stand a good thing,
could you?

I bet you were planning on this
since Belize.

- I have not.
- Oh, don't give me that.

You did the same thing
you always do.

You go asking everybody's advice
then do whatever the hell you want.

And it's usually wrong, by the way.

Look, I was just being true
to my feelings, Dad.

- There's no reason to be mad at me.
- I'm not mad at you.

I'm mad at myself.

I knew this was coming
and I let myself get attached.

Well, I'm sorry, Dad. Claire's great.

It's just she's not the right person
for me.

Daphne knows. Will you tell him?

Ow.

Would you people stop doing that?
Ow.

Oh, come in.
Oh, you didn't have to do this.

- Told you.
- Yeah, all right.

I sense a scholar in our midst.

[LAUGHS]

Congratulations, Kirby.
Let's see the sheepskin.

Dude, wait until the party
gets going a little.

Good thinking.
I'll just see what your mother's doing.

- Hey, Roz.
- Kirby.

Got our prom pictures back.

I had them retouched a little.
You're smiling in them now.

I notice you also have your hand
on my ass.

Where?

Oh, you mean now.

Do you not like it?

You know, I'm having a devil of a time
with this cheese can. L...

Well, you just hold the nozzle
close to the cracker

so you make a little flower
like this.

- Oh.
- Here, try one.

Mm. Oh.

I can honestly say that is
the best canned cheese I've ever had.

Lana, listen, there's something
I'd like to talk with you about.

If this is about Claire,
I already know.

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.

- I think she's perfectly wonderful girl.
- Frasier. You don't have to explain.

I mean, sometimes
you just don't feel it. That's okay.

Really?

- I thought you'd be mad at me.
- Well, why would I be mad?

I mean, it's not like I get a commission
on every match I make.

[BOTH LAUGH]

So we're okay?

Well, sure we're okay.

We're better than okay.

Right. Better than okay.

GIRL:
You total slut.

Oh. Oh, no, Roz, uh.

You told me not to come because this
was just gonna be some boring party

with your mom's friends.

- Roz is my mom's friend.
- She was your prom date.

Damn, baby,
why you gotta be this way?

I'm trying to show you respect

by keeping you from seeing
my other lady.

- I was never his lady.
- Damn, baby, that's cold.

She's old enough to be your mother,
practically.

Damn, baby, now that's cold.

Whatever.

Wow, that did not go so great.

Well, those things rarely do, Kirby.

Hey, buddy.

- Dad, you're here.
- I wouldn't miss it for anything.

Where's Mom?
I really need to talk to her.

- I'll go get her.
- Okay.

Wow, small world.
What are you doing here?

So how do you know Kirby?

Well, I was his tutor.

Yow, how much I owe you for that?

No, no, it was a pleasure, really.

So you're Kirby's dad.

Lana's ex who ran off
with the dental hygienist.

But you can call me Bob.

I take it Lana
filled you in about our divorce.

Yes, I was a shoulder for her. Briefly.
I think she's completely over you now.

I hope not.
I mean, I really want her back.

I'll do whatever
to show her I'm a changed man.

Listen, Bob,
I don't think that's a very good idea.

Well, but you said at the airport

- I should...
- Yes, I know l... Oh, Roz.

Roz, listen, I'd like you meet Bob.

Bob, this is Roz Doyle,
the brilliant producer of my radio show.

- Oh, gee, thanks, Frasier.
- Oh, of course.

Beauty and brains, huh?

Who said God doesn't give
with both hands?

And, Roz, I believe, if I'm not mistaken,
that you're available right now?

Maybe.

So, what brings you
to this little soir?e?

Well, I'm Kirby's dad and Lana's ex,
although hopefully not for long.

Thanks to this man,
I've decided to follow my heart

and come back for the woman
I really love.

Oh, really?

LANA: Kirby, what is it?
- You'll see. You'll see.

Oh, crap.

Well, there goes that.

You gave it your best try, Bob.

In the words of Tennyson... Bob?

- Damn.
- You jerk.

I am not some man-bait that you can
just set out whenever it suits you.

I know. I'm sorry. I was desperate.

For God's sakes
I just ended things with Claire.

Now I'm here to pursue Lana, and then
he shows up. Everything's ruined.

LANA: Why don't you just leave?
You're good at that. Just go!

- I'll call you later, son.
- You can't quit now, Dad.

If you're gonna come back,
you gotta get used to her screaming.

You know, as ugly as that was,

things couldn't have worked out
any better for you.

I mean, she's vulnerable,
there's a full bar,

she's already in the bedroom.

Almost takes the sport out of it.

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.

I know you must be upset, Kirby.

The guy just wants to talk to her,
and she gets completely bent.

- I know.
- I know it's a clich?, okay?

I just... I really want
my parents to get back together.

I wish I could help.

You could talk to my mother.

You could tell her
to give him another chance.

Oh, I don't think I'm the guy
for that job.

Talking to people is your job.

- You could try.
- No, I can't.

Can't?

I seem to recall a young pupil
named Kirby.

He said "I can't,"
nary but months ago.

But a certain man named
Dr. Frasier Crane taught that pupil

that he can do
whatever he sets his mind to.

And the name of that man was you.

[KNOCKING]

Well, Bob's left.

Are you all right?

I have waited over a year
for that man to come back to me.

And when I finally get to the point
where I never want to see him again,

he walks through the door.

But you're...
You're much stronger now,

and it'd take a lot more than
just showing up to change your mind.

Well, to be fair,
he did try to apologise.

I mean, what else can he do?
He can't take the whole last year back.

No, he can't.

Can I ask you something?

In your opinion as a psychiatrist,

once you've lost trust,
can you ever get it back?

Well, it would take work,
a lot of work.

Think about it, Lana.

You could have
a whole new life now.

I could.

I'm just so confused.

Frasier, you are the only man
I can trust right now.

Tell me what to do.

Well...

The truth is...

You wouldn't be having this crisis

if you didn't still have feelings
for Bob.

You should talk to him.

You owe it to yourself
to hear him out.

I just want you to know, Frasier,
that no matter what happens,

you are a really good...

Don't. Don't use the F-word.

I wasn't about to.
I was gonna say we're friends.

[LAUGHS]

Great pot roast, Daph.

Well, thanks, Mr. Crane. I used
turnips and pearl onions for the gra...

Oh, what's the use? This place'll
never be the same without Claire.

We all miss her, Dad.

No one misses her more than me.

She could have been
the sister I never had.

- Do you think we can call her?
- What would we say?

She's probably out on a date
with somebody else.

Well, maybe not.
Let's just see if she's home.

Put it on speaker.

[PHONE RINGING]

- You do the talking.
- No. Daphne should.

I don't know what to say.

CLAIRE [ON PHONE]:
Hello?

Hello?

Well, that was childish.

[PHONE RINGING]

She star-69'd us. Don't answer it.

[PHONE RINGING]

You all gone deaf?

Isn't someone gonna answer that?

You're up.

Hello?

Claire.

I did not call you. You called me.

I did not.

I did not. I did...

Hello?
What the hell was that all about?

Beats me.
She always was a little nutty.

Hey, how did things go with Lana?

Oh, I think she's going back
to her ex-husband.

He showed up at the party.

I ended up counselling her
to give him a second chance.

It was the noble thing to do.

Though my honour
won't keep me warm at night.

Guess it just wasn't meant to be.

But don't give up.

- There's a lid for every pot.
- Mm-hm, that's right.

Good things come to those who wait.

And there's plenty of fish in the sea.

Dear God,
I will choke on another platitude.

Please, can't you think of something
helpful to say for once?

Well, I'm sorry if the material
isn't fresh anymore.

It's not easy
coming up with happy talk

every time you can't make it work
with a woman.

Every time I can't make it work
with a woman?

That's right.
We wouldn't be in this situation

- if you hadn't blown it with Claire.
- Is that so?

Do you all feel this way?

- I'll clear.
- I'll help.

I see.

My own family has turned on me
in my darkest hour.

After a day of personal torment,
I stagger homeward,

chap-fallen, in search of comfort
in the bosom of my family.

But do they indulge me
and permit me to suckle?

No. Instead, they...

Well, I've said my piece.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Yes, hi, Niles.

Listen, I'm fine, actually.
L... I just need a little time alone.

Yes, I'll, I'll see you in a day or two.

No, there's no need to put Dad on.

He's already consoled me enough
as it is.

"Every time I can't make it work
with a woman."

What the hell does he know?

LILITH:
He's not wrong, Frasier.

Yes, he is.

It wasn't that I couldn't make it work
with Lana.

I simply stepped aside when
the father of her children showed up,

like the decent human being I am.

And, speaking on behalf
of your subconscious,

because you realised
the relationship was destined to fail.

And why would that be?

Lana could have been
perfect for me.

Is that something you just say
out of habit now?

No.

Because two weeks ago
the title belonged to Claire.

Claire was perfect.
I just wasn't in love with her.

The heart has a mind of its own,
they say.

Or perhaps she wasn't needy enough
for you.

You have been known
to love a project.

Oh, please.

I have never found neediness
to be an attractive quality in a woman.

Never?

Never.

Neediness was the very reason
it didn't work with Diane.

Specifically,
her need for another man.

But you were attracted to her, initially,
because her weakness allowed you

to play the role of noble rescuer.

Excuse me, I have to object
to the word "weakness."

I was challenging, yet vulnerable,

which is why Frasier saw me
as the perfect woman for him.

- Still does.
- I do not.

Then why am I in the car?

Perhaps you represent
a happier time in my life.

[LILITH SCOFFS]

Frasier, do you remember
the time we drove down the Cape

and had a lobster picnic on the bluff?

We had nothing
to crack open the claws,

so Frasier put them in a bag
and ran over them with the car.

That didn't work either.

[DIANE LAUGHS]

Oh, we gave up
and made glorious love in the dunes.

DIANE:
Hm.

Wait a minute.

Wasn't that me?

Right, that was you.

Well, then what do I represent?

I don't know and I don't care.

Now if you don't mind,
I'd like a little peace.

Oh, dear God, not her.

DIANE:
That person's not wearing shoes.

That's Nanette, his first wife.

She's going to get hookworm.

He's obviously dredging up
past relationships

in order to identify a pattern.

Why, Frasier Crane,
you were a hippie.

I was twenty.

That was during my impulsive,
rebellious phase.

DIANE:
Oh, pick her up. You can't ignore her.

FRASIER:
She's not a part of who I am anymore.

[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

Do you remember that song?

Apparently I do.

He composed it in college.
It's how we met.

He wrote it as a poem
and was reciting it one night

at the Human Collective,
when I joined in with my guitar.

- Would you like to hear it?
- No.

DIANE: Yes, please.
LILITH: Oh, yes.

It's called, "Bangladesh,
Dacca Before the Dawn."

[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

I dreamt that I was riding
A candy unicorn

As I went to meet my lady

In the dewdrop-crystal morn

The Bangladesh part's coming.

Oh.

Solitude.

This is what I needed.

DIANE:
Perhaps.

But, to quote Lord Byron:

"It is in solitude
where we are least alone."

It smells like dirt out there. Whoa.

Before Frasier sold out, we always
dreamed of having a home like this,

where we'd be
surrounded by nature,

and need only the food that we grew
and the shelter of each other's arms.

Amazing that marriage
didn't work out.

She was probably great in the sack.

Actually,
I made a lot of distracting noises.

All right, all right.
This has been a lot of fun.

But what's it gonna take
to get you people out of my head?

Well, a little self-examination
might do it.

Fine. I'm a failure in love.
I failed with all of you.

I failed with Lana and with Claire,
and with countless others in between.

- Happy?
- Failure is a result, not a cause.

- What's at the core?
- Perhaps there is no core.

Maybe fate is just conspiring
against me. Did you ever think of that?

No, there's no such thing as fate.

If that were true,
there'd be no such thing as astrology.

More avoidance, Frasier.
Try to focus.

I just had a thought.
Maybe it isn't Frasier's fault.

Oh, denial, how nice to see you.

Frasier? It's your women.

We leave you. It's in our nature.

- I left you.
- Yes, you did.

You left me for Sam.

I left Sam too.

Diane, we're talking about Frasier.

When we're inside your head,
we'll talk about you.

I'm just saying that his women leave.

- You did too.
- So did I.

That's right. You all did.

Oh, and poor Frasier,
and you keep on trying.

He can't help it.
He's a hopeless romantic.

DIANE:
Frasier, when are you going to learn?

[SINGING]
Falling in love with love

Is falling for make-believe

Falling in love with love...

What's wrong with following your
heart? Just because we left him,

doesn't mean the perfect woman
isn't out there somewhere.

That's the problem. Frasier thinks
every woman is the perfect woman,

until he finds the deal-breaking flaw.
It's...

[DIANE SINGING]

Lt... Can you make that stop?

I'm sorry, it's stuck in my head.

[DIANE SINGING]
I was unwise with eyes unable to see

Thank you.

It's that quest for perfection
which ultimately defeats you

because the perfect woman
does not exist.

- Speak for yourself.
- Mother.

For such a short trip,
you sure brought a lot of baggage.

What are you doing here?

You have to ask? You're a Freudian.

You've spent your whole life
trying to replace me.

But it's completely understandable.

I was your first love.

Ladies, meet the competition.

This is the woman against whom
we have all been measured.

Lilith, will you please be quiet?

Mother is speaking.

So a lifetime of collecting women,
and this is the cream of the crop:

The slacker, the barmaid
and the icicle.

I was so relieved when they left you.

You left him too.

Oh, I had no choice.
Perhaps you heard? I died.

Now let's get down to work,
shall we?

We were doing perfectly well
before you got here.

Well, if your bargain-basement
psychiatry was so effective,

why did he have to call in
the big guns?

Now, let's explore the inner recesses
of your psyche,

like we did when you were a boy.

I don't want to.

Perhaps we should start
with the premise set forth

in the definitive study
done by Harlan and Watkins.

Oh, excuse me, but the definitive study
was done 10 years later at Cambridge.

Oh, excuse me for not keeping up.
I was busy being dead.

That's her excuse for everything.

Don't you have
a tambourine to bang?

Don't feel bad.
She tried to kill me once.

- Oh, not this paranoia again.
- You had a gun.

Now, Frasier, don't listen to them.

These women are all liars
and cheaters.

I'm the only woman you can trust.

You're a fine one to talk.
You cheated on Martin.

Oh, that's none of your beeswax,
missy.

Oh, betrayal by the mother.
Is there any deeper wound?

I'd say sleeping with his brother
is right up there.

- You did?
HESTER: Mm-hm.

Oh, I could see that.

Don't even think about my baby
like that.

- You can't control her thoughts.
- Oh, shut up. You're a whore.

- You're a hypocrite.
- Whore.

- Hypocrite.
- Whore.

- Hypocrite. You're all hypocrites.
- And you're all whores.

Every last one of you.

[WOMEN CHATTERING]

LILITH:
Stop it. Stop it.

Don't you see what he's doing?

He's pitting us against each other

in order to avoid the real conflict
within himself.

We must work together.

DIANE: Right.
HESTER: I agree.

So now, Frasier...

What is the problem?

Why can't you can't make it work
with a woman?

Is it because they leave you?

You stopped listening
to your heart?

Is it your unrealistic expectations?

I don't know.

Leave me alone.
I don't wanna do this.

WOMAN 1: Frasier.
WOMEN: Hi, Frasier.

WOMAN 2: Honey, hi.

What is it?

It's every woman I've ever dated.

What am I gonna do?

Now, son,
I know this is frightening for you.

But you have to do the work.

- Yes.
- Okay.

Okay.

Fine.

All right.

L... I screwed things up with Lana.

Wait, that, that wasn't my fault.

She was still in love
with her ex-husband.

No, Lana is not the problem.

- No, she wasn't right for you at all.
- Oh, Mother, you would say that.

You never approved
of my relationships.

Don't pin this on me.
I liked Claire.

Oh, she was wonderful for you.

Everybody thought so.

So why didn't it work out?

- Maybe she was just right for you.
- What does that mean?

Claire was everything we looked for
in a woman.

LILITH:
And that terrified you.

Because inevitably
she would have left you.

And so, of course, you ran away.

No, no, no, I left Claire because
I discovered I had feelings for Lana.

- You created feelings for Lana...
- Who was extremely flawed.

So you'd have an excuse
to leave Claire.

- Yes, but I didn't love her.
- No, you didn't want to love her.

- She was too good.
- And that's why you were afraid.

All right, you're saying that I'm afraid
of a good woman?

You're afraid
of losing a good woman.

Again.

So that's it?

All this work just to find out
that I have a fear of rejection?

That's right.

So I'm alone...

...because I'm afraid to be alone?

Yes.

Don't feel too bad.
You'll always have us.

- Isn't that right, girls?
LILITH: That's right.

[WOMEN CHATTERING]

All right, wait a minute.

That's it.

That's my problem.

You are always there.

I have carried you with me throughout
every relationship, on every date.

You pick apart
the women I care about.

And you remind me how much it'll hurt
if I open myself up.

You don't help me.
You hold me back.

How will I ever move forward

if I don't put you behind me?

Hurry along, Daphne,
we'll miss the curtain.

Yeah, and you know how strict
they are about that at the Cineplex.

Sorry. I was rushing and I put
my heel through the hem of my skirt,

so I had to put on another one.

- Oh, it looks nice.
- Thanks.

Then the top didn't go,
so I changed it to this.

I couldn't wear this with a black
brassiere. I had to change that.

I had to change my knickers to match,
in case I go to the hospital.

Coordinating undergarments
are the mark of a lady, and all that.

Anyway, it's a long story.
I won't bore you with it.

Yeah, thanks.

NILES: Oh, hello.
MARTIN: Hey.

Hi, guys.

- How are you, Dr. Crane?
- Actually, I'm... I'm fine, Daphne.

In fact, my little retreat
was just what this doctor ordered.

I cleared my head
and came to some conclusions.

So where are you guys off to?

Oh, just one of Dad's movies.
You wanna join us?

I brought my ltty Bitty Book Light.

No, thanks. You guys go ahead.

- You'll be okay, won't you?
- Ah, yes, I'll be just fine.

Why don't I just stay here,
keep you company?

- No, Dad, I'm fine.
- You sure?

Yes. In fact, I'm...

I'm better than I've been
in quite some time.

Mainly because
of one very important thing I learned.

Great. Let's roll.

[SIGHS]

Someone needs to stop Clearway Law.
Public shouldn't leave reviews for lawyers.