Frasier (1993–2004): Season 8, Episode 4 - The Great Crane Robbery - full transcript

I WOULD LIKE TO
CLOSE THE SHOW TODAY

WITH A TRULY INSPIRATIONAL TALE.

ONE YEAR AGO, A VERY
SUCCESSFUL FRIEND OF MINE

WAS STRUCK BY TRAGEDY.

NOT GOOD.

SLIM.

BUT ARMED WITH ONLY FORTITUDE,

THIS FRIEND OF MINE FOUGHT BACK.

I'M TALKING, OF COURSE,

ABOUT THE REOPENING OF SEATTLE'S
FINEST RESTAURANT, CHEZ HENRI.

JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU
THAT A 4-ALARM FIRE IS NO MATCH



FOR 5-STAR COURAGE.

THIS IS FRASIER CRANE SAYING
GOOD DAY AND GOOD MENTAL HEALTH.

I SEE YOU STILL DON'T HAVE
A TABLE FOR OPENING NIGHT.

AND IT'S KILLING ME!

OK, EVERYONE, IT'S SHOWTIME.

THE NEW STATION OWNER'S ON
HIS WAY DOWN, SO LOOK ALIVE!

WATCH WHAT YOU SAY,
WATCH WHAT YOU DON'T SAY.

DON'T SAY TOO MUCH,
DON'T SAY TOO LITTLE.

WHAT THE HELL'S THIS
THERMOSTAT SET AT, ANYWAY?

GOOD LORD, KENNY, CALM DOWN.

WE'VE DONE THE NEW
OWNER DRILL A MILLION TIMES.

WHAT WILL IT BE TODAY, ROZ?
THE GLAD-HANDING SYCOPHANT

OR OUR SALUTE TO TEAMWORK?

YEAH, YEAH, VERY FUNNY.



COME ON, KENNY. YOU KNOW
HOW THESE PEOPLE COME AND GO.

THEY INTRODUCE THEMSELVES,
THEY SHAKE YOUR HAND,

TELL US THEY'RE BIG FANS,
AND THEN THEY'RE GONE.

NOTHING EVER CHANGES SO,
YOU KNOW, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

WELL, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU
TO SAY. YOU'VE GOT A CONTRACT.

HEY, GUYS. OH, HELLO, SIR.

AH, CLARK BAR.

EXCELLENT CHOICE, SIR.

YOU MUST BE THE NEW
OWNER. HI, I'M FRASIER CRANE

AND THIS IS MY
PRODUCER, ROZ DOYLE. HI.

HEY. TODD PETERSON.

UH, MR. PETERSON'S ONE OF THE
BRIGHTEST STARS OF SILICON VALLEY.

OH, THANK YOU.

AND HE'S ONE OF THE YOUNGEST
MEMBERS OF THE FORTUNE 500.

PLEASE, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

AND HE'S A BIG FAN OF YOUR SHOW.

OH, NOW YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

GO ON.

IT'S TRUE. I'VE BEEN
LISTENING SINCE COLLEGE.

I LOVE THE THEME WEEKS,

BUT I WAS REALLY INTO
FOLLOW-UP FRIDAYS

WHERE YOU HAD
PREVIOUS CALLERS CALL IN,

LET YOU KNOW HOW THEY'RE DOING.

WHY'D YOU STOP DOING THAT?

OH, WELL, IT WASN'T MY IDEA.

YOU KNOW, T-TODD, UM, SEEING
AS HOW YOU ARE SUCH A BIG FAN,

PERHAPS I COULD BEND
YOUR EAR SOMETIME

ABOUT A... A FEW IDEAS
I HAVE FOR THE SHOW.

GREAT. I'D LOVE TO HEAR THEM.

REALLY?

WELL, H-HOW ABOUT LATER TODAY,
PERHAPS, OVER COCKTAILS AT MY PLACE?

THAT WOULD BE COOL.

AH! COOL, INDEED.

LATER.

RIGHT, AND... AND MAY I
SAY IT'S, IT'S TRULY AN HONOR

TO BE SERVING UNDER
YOUR LEADERSHIP.

THIS IS A GREAT DAY FOR K.A.C.L.

INDEED, FOR RADIO ITSELF.

I SEE YOU DECIDED TO SKIP
GLAD-HANDING SYCOPHANT

AND GO STRAIGHT FOR
BOOTLICKING KISS-ASS.

IS THAT TOO MUCH? OH,
NO, IT FEELS GREAT, DAPH.

YOU GOT A LOT OF ELBOW
GREASE THERE TODAY.

I SUPPOSE I'M A BIT WOUND UP.

NILES IS OUT WITH MEL. I
DON'T TRUST THAT WOMAN.

OH, COME ON.

HE'S NOT WITH HER
BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE.

HE'S JUST GONNA GIVE
HER WHAT SHE WANTS

SO SHE'LL GIVE HIM THE DIVORCE.

HE'S CRAZY ABOUT
YOU, YOU KNOW THAT.

I KNOW, AND I'M CRAZY ABOUT HIM.

STILL, NILES HAS BEEN
GONE FOR A LONG TIME.

IT'S OPEN!

HELLO. NILES.

SORRY I'M LATE. MEL PICKED A
RESTAURANT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN.

I'M GETTING SO TIRED
OF THAT WOMAN'S ANTICS.

ANTICS, THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE.

THIS WHOLE CHARADE, MAKING YOU
PRETEND YOU'RE A HAPPY COUPLE.

- IT'S SO UNFAIR.
- IT'S CRIMINAL.

SHE WON'T EVEN ALLOW YOU
TO BE SEEN IN PUBLIC TOGETHER.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

GIVE IT UP, OLD MAN.
THE MASSAGE IS OVER.

DAPHNE, I KNOW IT'S DIFFICULT,

BUT ONCE SHE GIVES ME THAT
DIVORCE, WE CAN GO ANYWHERE WE WANT:

PARIS, FLORENCE, RIO.

HOW ABOUT MY ROOM
TO FOLD LAUNDRY?

I HEAR IT'S LOVELY
THIS TIME OF YEAR.

OH, UH, DAD, LISTEN.

YOU KNOW, I... I'VE GOT SOME COMPANY
COMING OVER, SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, UH...

OH, HOT DATE, HUH?

WELL, ACTUALLY, DAD, THE... THE
NEW STATION OWNER'S COMING BY

TO HEAR SOME IDEAS I
HAVE ABOUT MY SHOW.

WELL, IT'S A WOMAN
AT LEAST, RIGHT?

WHATEVER GETS YOU OUT
OF THE ROOM FASTER, DAD.

OH, TODD, COME ON IN.

HI, FRASIER.

WHOA, SWEET VIEW!

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THAT'S THE SPACE NEEDLE
THERE, OF COURSE, AND ELLIOT BAY,

AND, ACTUALLY, ON A CLEAR
DAY, YOU CAN SEE MOUNT RAINIER.

EPIC. MMM.

IS THAT A PIZZA HUT?

WELL, WE DID START A PETITION.

WELL, IT MUST HAVE
WORKED. THAT IS A PIZZA HUT.

YOU'VE GOT A GREAT PLACE
HERE, FRASE. OH, THANK YOU.

I LIKE THIS. MMM.

WHAT, DID YOUR KID
CARVE IT IN CAMP?

ACTUALLY, THAT'S A... A FERTILITY
GOD, UH, FROM, UH, CENTRAL AFRICA.

IT'S QUITE RARE, THANK YOU. OH.

SAY, UH, TODD, CAN I
INTEREST YOU IN A SHERRY?

NAH, IT'D BE WASTED ON ME.

I DON'T KNOW THE FIRST
THING ABOUT THAT STUFF.

OH, WELL, IN THE GREAT
SCHEME OF THINGS,

IT'S NOT REALLY VERY
IMPORTANT. IT KIND OF IS.

I MEAN, EVER SINCE MY
SEARCH ENGINE WENT PUBLIC,

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN INVITING ME TO
FUNDRAISERS AND BANQUETS. HMM.

THEY EXPECT ME TO KNOW
ALL SORTS OF THINGS ABOUT ART

AND MUSIC, WINE.

I DON'T KNOW JACK.
IT'S EMBARRASSING.

I'M SURE YOU'RE EXAGGERATING.

NO, I'VE SPENT MY WHOLE
LIFE IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER.

I DON'T KNOW BEETHOVEN FROM...

BEETHOVEN'S THE ONLY ONE I KNOW.

YOU KNOW, IT... IT... IT'S
NEVER TOO LATE TO LEARN.

I... I'D BE GLAD TO GIVE
YOU SOME POINTERS.

REALLY? I'D BE DELIGHTED.

I WILL PLAY VIRGIL
TO YOUR DANTE.

THANKS.

IN A FEW WEEKS, I GUARANTEE YOU,

YOU WILL FIND THAT
DELIGHTFULLY DROLL.

SAY, HOW ABOUT THAT SHERRY?

OH, YEAH. ALL RIGHT, THEN.

WHICH YOU SHOULD
KNOW IS A FORTIFIED WINE.

WOW, FRASIER, YOU
REALLY KNOW YOUR STUFF.

LOOK AT THESE GREAT
PAINTINGS, COOL FURNITURE,

AFRICAN SEX TOYS.

THIS IS HOW I SHOULD BE LIVING.

HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR THE PLACE?

EXCUSE ME?

I COULD USE A PLACE IN
TOWN. NAME YOUR PRICE.

OH, NO, TODD, MY HUMBLE
HOME IS NOT FOR SALE.

BUT, YOU KNOW, AS
LUCK WOULD HAVE IT,

THERE HAPPENS TO BE A UNIT
AVAILABLE DIRECTLY BELOW MINE.

THIS WILL BE GREAT.
WE'LL BE NEIGHBORS.

YOU CAN TEACH ME TO HAVE AS
MUCH TASTE AND STYLE AS YOU,

AND I CAN DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE

TO MAKE YOU THE
BIGGEST STAR ON RADIO.

I KNEW ONE DAY YOU'D COME.

NILES, MIND IF I JOIN YOU?

OH, WELL, JUST FOR A LITTLE
WHILE. I'M MEETING MEL HERE.

OH, REMINDS ME. OH, DEAR.

I AM SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

OH, NO, ACTUALLY, THIS IS
WONDERFUL NEWS. HMM?

SHE CALLED.

SHE SAID MY DAYS OF PLAYING THE
DEVOTED HUSBAND ARE COMING TO AN END.

FRASIER, I THINK MY WIFE IS
FINALLY GOING TO DUMP ME.

OH.

AND THEY SAID IT WOULD LAST.

YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, I'M
CELEBRATING A BIT MYSELF.

YOU SEE, I HAVE JUST
BECOME A MENTOR.

GOOD FOR YOU, FRASIER.
HELPING THE UNDERPRIVILEGED.

ACTUALLY, HE'S A BILLIONAIRE.

AH, THE FORGOTTEN MINORITY.

NO, IT'S... IT'S THE
NEW STATION OWNER.

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.
YOU'RE MENTORING YOUR BOSS?

HOW DID YOU FLATTER YOUR WAY
INTO THAT JOB? OH, NILES, I... I DIDN'T.

THE BOY PRACTICALLY BEGGED ME.

I MEAN, HE GOT RICH OVERNIGHT,

AND HE'S HARDLY HAD TIME TO
SHED HIS FRATERNITY HOUSE WAYS.

SOUNDS LIKE AN ENORMOUS PROJECT.

WELL, I AM A TEACHER
AT HEART, AFTER ALL.

YOU KNOW, LAST NIGHT,

I TOOK HIM TO LE CAFE DU PARADIS

TO PRACTICE SENDING BACK WINE.

EXCUSE ME.

HELLO?

AH, TODD, YES. WE WERE
JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.

YES. NO, NO, NO, NO. NO, NO.

NEVER FRENCH CUFFS WITH
A BUTTON-DOWN COLLAR.

HE'S BEING FITTED BY JAVIER.

VERY NICE.

THE LONG COLLAR, YES.

WHAT SORT OF STRIPES?

DON'T MOVE! I'LL BE RIGHT
DOWN THERE! I'VE GOT TO GO.

OH, MEL. FRASIER,
YOU'RE LOOKING...

AND YOU. WE MUST DO THIS AGAIN.

HELLO. HELLO, NILES.

UH, MEL, HELLO.

WELL, I, UH, I GATHER THINGS
ARE COMING TO AN END.

THANK YOU FOR BEING
TRUE TO YOUR WORD.

NO, THANK YOU FOR DOING
SUCH A GOOD JOB IN PHASE ONE.

"PHASE ONE"?

WELL, NILES, IT OCCURRED TO
ME THAT IF WE END THINGS NOW,

PEOPLE WILL WONDER WHY, WHEN,
YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN SO HAPPY.

SO I'VE DECIDED THAT IT'S NOT SO
MUCH THAT I'M GOING TO LEAVE YOU

AS YOU'RE GOING
TO DRIVE ME AWAY.

HOW? THROUGH A
SERIES OF STAGED EVENTS

IN WHICH YOU WILL
THOROUGHLY HUMILIATE YOURSELF

BY PLAYING THE PART
OF A COMPLETE ASS.

FOR INSTANCE, THIS WEEKEND,
WE'RE GOING TO THE OPERA.

AH, I SEE, I SEE.

SO, YOU WANT ME TO
HOG THE OPERA GLASSES

AND REMAIN SEATED DURING THE
OVATION, SOMETHING OF THAT NATURE.

WELL, I... I SUPPOSE
I COULD MANAGE IT.

NO, NOT QUITE.

AT THE INTERMISSION, INVARIABLY, SOME
BOARD MEMBER WILL COME OVER TO SAY HELLO

AND I WANT YOU TO FLY INTO A
JEALOUS RAGE AND THROW A DRINK AT HIM.

THAT IS UNTHINKABLE. I HAVE
A REPUTATION IN THIS TOWN

AND NOTHING WILL MAKE
ME BEHAVE THAT WAY.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING
TO BE MARRIED FOR A LONG TIME.

I'LL SEE YOU AT SCHWANDA
DER DUDELSACKPFEIFER.

OH. WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE?

TODD'S APARTMENT'S
ONE FLOOR DOWN.

WE KNOW, BUT WHY WALK
INTO HIS HOUSEWARMING ALONE

WHEN WE CAN GO IN WITH HIS IDOL?

OH, PLEASE, I'M HARDLY HIS IDOL.

I'M A PARAGON AT
BEST. WHAT'S THAT?

OH, JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING THAT
TODD ADMIRED WHEN HE WAS OVER.

I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE
SUPPOSED TO BRING GIFTS.

OH, I'M SCREWED.

I AM SO FIRED.

GOD, WHY DID I GIVE MY WIFE THE
GO-AHEAD FOR THAT ABOVE-GROUND POOL?

BETTER CALM DOWN, KENNY. I GAVE
YOU MY LAST PAIR OF DRESS SHIELDS.

NOW, REMEMBER, TODD HAS HAD
PEOPLE WORKING AROUND THE CLOCK,

TRANSFORMING HIS APARTMENT
INTO HIS VISION OF STYLE AND TASTE.

NOW, NO MATTER HOW PRIMITIVE WE
MAY THINK IT IS, IT'S BEST TO BE KIND.

WE DON'T WANT TO STIFLE
HIS BUDDING CREATIVITY. AH!

YOU ALSO DON'T WANT
TO STIFLE THAT FAT

SYNDICATION DEAL HE'S
PUTTING TOGETHER FOR YOU.

OH, ROZ, YOU ARE SO CYNICAL.

THAT'S WHY YOU COULD
NEVER BE A MENTOR.

HEY, GUYS, COME ON IN.

HELLO, NILES.

SAY, IF MEMORY SERVES, YOU WENT
TO THE OPERA WITH MEL LAST NIGHT.

SO, DID YOU CAUSE
A PUBLIC SPECTACLE?

I DIDN'T READ ANYTHING
IN THE SOCIETY PAGES.

NO. WELL, IT... IT DIDN'T GO
EXACTLY AS I EXPECTED. HMM.

AT INTERMISSION,
I... I... I GOT MY DRINK

AND WAITED FOR
SOMEONE TO APPROACH MEL

AND FINALLY SOMEONE DID. UH,
FOUNDERS' CIRCLE STALWART ACE LEMIEUX.

OH.

I COILED, PANTHER-LIKE, READY TO
FLING MY DRINK ON HIS SHIRTFRONT,

WHEN I NOTICED HE WAS WEARING THAT
WOOL CREPE, HAND-TAILORED TUXEDO OF HIS.

I COULDN'T RAISE MY HAND AGAINST
SUCH A MAGNIFICENT GARMENT.

NILES, THAT TUX IS A
BLEND AND YOU KNOW IT.

YES. YES, OF COURSE, I KNOW IT.

FRASIER, I JUST COULDN'T DO IT.

THAT KIND OF LOUTISH BEHAVIOR,
IT'S JUST NOT IN MY NATURE.

OF COURSE, NILES, THAT
GOES WITHOUT SAYING.

JUST REMEMBER FOR
WHOM YOU'RE DOING ALL THIS.

BELIEVE ME, DAPHNE
IS THE ONLY THING

THAT IS KEEPING ME
GOING THROUGH ALL OF THIS.

TONIGHT, I'M SUPPOSED TO MEET
MEL FOR DINNER AT CHEZ HENRI

AND MAKE AN ASS OF MYSELF IN
FRONT OF HER SOCIETY FRIENDS.

OH, LORD.

CHEZ HENRI. THEIR MENU

IS JUST THE CULINARY
MINEFIELD TO TEST TODD'S METTLE.

HMM. OH. OH, YOUR...
YOUR YOUNG PROTEGE.

HOW... HOW IS THAT COMING ALONG?

ACTUALLY, THINGS HAVE TAKEN
A BIT OF AN ODD TURN. HMM?

YOU SEE, YESTERDAY, I WENT
TO HIS HOUSEWARMING PARTY

AND AS IT TURNS
OUT, TO MY SURPRISE,

HE HAS DUPLICATED
MY APARTMENT EXACTLY.

EXACTLY?

THE ONLY THING MISSING IS
AN OLD MAN AND A LITTLE DOG.

I WAS BESIDE MYSELF.

WELL, OF COURSE YOU WERE.

I ASSUME YOU READ
HIM THE RIOT ACT.

WELL, HE IS MY BOSS.

HE HAS BIG PLANS FOR MY SHOW.

DO I REALLY WANNA
JEOPARDIZE THAT?

THERE'S TODD NOW.
UH, TODD, OVER HERE.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY
BROTHER, NILES CRANE.

HOW DO YOU DO? NILES,
THIS IS TODD PETERSON.

HELLO.

OH, AND... AND MAY I SAY
WHAT A... WHAT A LOVELY OUTFIT.

HOPE YOU GOT THE
VOLUME DISCOUNT.

TODD. GUESS WHO'S
OFFICIALLY HOOKED ON CLASSICS?

OH, WELL.

GOOD FOR YOU, GOOD FOR YOU.

NOW, TODD, I... I'D LIKE TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT YOUR APARTMENT.

YOU DON'T LIKE IT?

NO, NO, I DO LIKE IT. I'VE
LIKED IT FOR 8 YEARS.

SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WELL, I WAS HOPING

THAT MY INFLUENCE WOULD HELP
YOU TO FIND YOUR OWN STYLE,

NOT THAT YOU WOULD
SIMPLY DUPLICATE MINE.

WHAT AM I DOING?

I'M IN WAY OVER MY HEAD HERE.

L-LET'S ADMIT IT, WITH
ALL THIS CULTURE STUFF.

I SHOULD JUST STICK TO WHAT I KNOW,
COMPUTERS. I... I'M A COMPUTER GUY.

YOU KNOW, TODD, YOU KNOW, PERHAPS
WE JUST TOOK ON A BIT TOO MUCH TOO SOON.

NOW I NEED TO MOVE
BACK TO SAN JOSE,

SELL THE APARTMENT,
SELL THE RADIO STATION...

UH, STEADY AT THE
WHEEL, TODD. OH...

NOW, LISTEN, UM,

ALL WE'RE REALLY TALKING ABOUT

IS A COUPLE OF COUCHES
AND... AND SOME COFFEE TABLES.

BUT YOU SAID WE SHOULDN'T HAVE THE
SAME APARTMENT. YES, AND WE SHOULDN'T.

BUT PERHAPS I'M BEING TOO HASTY

ABOUT WHICH OF US SHOULD
BE DOING THE CHANGING.

PERHAPS I'M HOLDING ON
TOO TIGHT TO MY POSSESSIONS.

DECOR IS, AFTER
ALL, A FLUID ART.

SHOULD I BE WRITING THIS DOWN?

NO, NO, TODD, NO,
NO. LISTEN, TODD.

I WANT YOU TO KEEP THE
APARTMENT THE WAY IT IS.

AFTER ALL, IT... IT'S A LOOK
THAT HAS SERVED ME WELL,

BUT IT'S TIME THAT I MOVE ON.

THANK YOU, FRASIER.
NO, THANK YOU, TODD.

HEY, YOU WANT TO
COME SEE MY NEW CAR?

I HAVE A FEELING
YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT.

I HAVE A FEELING I WILL.

NILES, YOU HAVE BEEN BEHAVING
LIKE A PERFECT GENTLEMAN ALL NIGHT.

NOW CUT IT OUT, AND DO
SOMETHING OFFENSIVE.

I DON'T KNOW AT WHICH
TABLE YOU'VE BEEN SITTING.

DID YOU NOT JUST SEE ME
UNAPOLOGETICALLY TAKE THE LAST ROLL?

I NEED MORE THAN
THAT, AND YOU KNOW IT.

NOW, MY FRIENDS ARE GIVING
YOU PLENTY TO WORK WITH.

ANDREW HAS BEEN
DRINKING LIKE A FISH

AND MARGARET IS WEARING
THAT REVOLTING DRESS AGAIN.

MEOW. I AM GLAD
YOU'RE ON MY SIDE.

I CAN DO THIS.

SORRY, EVERYONE.

OH, YES, SORRY, SORRY.

OH, YOU NEWLYWEDS JUST
CAN'T BE APART FOR ONE SECOND.

OH, THE BILL.

OH, BUT WE'RE NOT FINISHED.
UH, WE STILL HAVE WINE. OH.

WOULD ANYONE LIKE A REFILL?

I'M A LITTLE DRY.

DRY? I KNOW THAT'S NOT
YOUR LIVER SPEAKING.

NILES, WE JUST DISCUSSED YOU
WERE NOT GOING TO BRING THAT UP.

WELL, I DID, SO THERE.
AND I'LL SAY IT AGAIN.

YOU'RE PROBABLY SEEING 2 OF ME,

SO YOU MIGHT AS
WELL HEAR ME TWICE.

YOU, SIR, ARE A COMPLETE DRUNK.

NILES, HOW COULD YOU?

WELL, UH...

HOW COULD YOU KNOW?

I THOUGHT I WAS
HIDING IT SO WELL.

I HAVE A PROBLEM.
IT'S TIME I FACE IT.

I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO SAY SOMETHING,

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE THE COURAGE.

NOT LIKE NILES.
YOU'RE A GOOD PERSON.

I'M GETTING HELP
FIRST THING TOMORROW.

I'M SO SORRY, BABY.

IT'S OK.

THANK YOU FOR GIVING
ME MY HUSBAND BACK.

MEL, DARLING, YOU
MARRIED AN ANGEL.

DON'T I KNOW IT.

AH, DAD, WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF THE NEW LOOK?

WOW, NICE STUFF.

YOU REALLY TIED THE
FLOW TO THE MOTIF.

THANKS FOR TRYING.

OH, SHOULD WE GIVE
IT A TEST RUN? YEAH.

A LITTLE MUSIC.

♪

DAD?

LOOKS GREAT, SON.

THERE'S NOTHING HERE. I KNOW.

I GIVE UP.

I'VE TRIED A MILLION
COMBINATIONS.

I EVEN HAD EARLY BYZANTINE
MINGLING WITH MID-CENTURY DANISH.

WILL THEY EVER GET ALONG?

THE ONLY FURNITURE THAT LOOKS
GOOD IN MY APARTMENT IS MY OWN.

WELL, I COULD HAVE TOLD
YOU THAT 3 LOVE SEATS AGO

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING
FOR? GO BRING IT BACK.

WELL, I'M GLAD I WENT
TO 3 DIFFERENT STORES

TO FIND YOUR ORGANIC
FURNITURE POLISH.

WELL, DAPHNE, CHIN UP. YOU CAN
ALWAYS USE IT TO POLISH THE FLOORS.

OH, YES. WHEN GOD CLOSES
A DOOR, HE OPENS A WINDOW.

YOU KNOW, DAD, EVEN IF I DO GET MY
FURNITURE BACK, IT DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING.

THERE'S STILL SOMEONE
DOWNSTAIRS WITH MY APARTMENT.

THAT'S NOT YOUR APARTMENT.
THIS IS YOUR APARTMENT,

AND IF EVERY STOOGE IN
THE BUILDING RIPS YOU OFF,

IT DOESN'T TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM
YOU, BECAUSE YOU WERE THE ORIGINAL.

I AM, AREN'T I?

AND I DID, AFTER ALL,
CREATE THAT LOOK

AND... AND THAT SHOULD BE
GRATIFICATION ENOUGH FOR ME.

GOOD FOR YOU, SON.

I MEAN, BESIDES, YOU KNOW,
TODD'S HARDLY EVER HERE.

HE DOESN'T HAVE
VERY MANY FRIENDS.

YOU KNOW, IN FACT, THE ONLY PERSON
WHO IS EVER GONNA SEE THAT APARTMENT

IS... IS PROBABLY THE
PIZZA HUT DELIVERY BOY.

OH, TODD, COME
ON IN. HEY, FRASE.

I JUST NEED TO KNOW THE NAME
OF THE CHICK WHO MADE OUR COUCH.

OH, RIGHT. IT'S A REPRODUCTION
OF THE ONE COCO CHANEL HAD

IN HER PALACE ATELIER.

BUT WHY?

THE WRITER FROM ARCHITECTURAL
DIGEST WANTS TO KNOW.

ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST?

THEY'RE DOING A HUGE COVER
STORY ON MY APARTMENT.

AND I HAVE YOU TO
THANK FOR IT, BUDDY.

WELL, I GOT TO GO. THE
PHOTOGRAPHER'S WAITING.

LATER.

I NEED TO SIT DOWN.

♪ HEY, BABY, I HEAR
THE BLUES A-CALLIN' ♪

♪ TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪

♪ OH, MY ♪

♪ AND MAYBE I SEEM
A BIT CONFUSED ♪

♪ WELL, MAYBE, BUT
I GOT YOU PEGGED! ♪

♪ BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH
THOSE TOSSED SALADS AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪

♪ THEY'RE CALLIN' AGAIN ♪

GOOD NIGHT!