Frasier (1993–2004): Season 8, Episode 1 - And the Dish Ran Away with the Spoon: Part 1 - full transcript

It occurred to me I think we should try
to keep this quiet from Daphne.

- Keep what quiet?
- We got married.

Daphne, are you saying
that you have feelings for Niles?

I think I do.

You can't tell Niles all this.
He says he's happy with Mel.

She says she's happy with Donny.

But I'm not sure I believe
either one of them.

Just remember, Fras, there are
two marriages on the line here.

I'll get a divorce

- and you can call off the wedding.
- I can't.

Donny is a dear and wonderful man,
and I made a promise to him.



I'm sorry. My mind's made up.

Hello. I was wondering
if you might be free for a date.

NILES:
My God, yes.

There's plenty of time for that later.

Let's get this bloody boat moving.

What...?

- I can't believe this.
- Neither can I.

- What made you change your mind?
- My little niece, Audrey, the flower girl.

She looked up and me and said:

"You're the saddest bride
I've ever seen."

I figured who was I kidding if I couldn't
fool a 4-year-old with an eye patch.

Remind me to give her a car
for her preschool graduation.

The next thing I knew I was climbing
out of the window of the loo.

You mean you didn't tell Donny?



I didn't tell anyone.

Can't you get this thing moving
any faster?

Well, I would, but we have
to watch out for speed... bumps.

I've never done anything this crazy.

Are you nervous?

Only that I'm gonna wake up.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Don't answer it.

It's probably your brother
wondering if you've seen me.

Maybe it's Mel wondering why

it's taken me half an hour
to put on insect repellent.

Good.

Here we are.

The end of the driveway.

Which way shall we go?

Well, to the right is Seattle
and to the left, I guess, is Canada.

- Any thoughts?
- What's left for us in Seattle?

Ex-wives and ex-fiancé,

a tangled mess of bitterness
and hurt feelings.

Yes, but an excellent symphony
and world-class dining.

Then there's Canada, a fresh start.
A chance for adventure.

Grizzly bears.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

I don't care. Just pick one. Let's go.

- Maybe we should...
- No. We can't think about that.

I've just ran out on my wedding.
I can't go back.

I need you to be strong.

For you,
I have the strength of Hercules.

I love you.

And I love you.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

They're not going away, are they?

If you wanna keep going, I'll go.

No.

We better go back
and face the music.

We should make things right.

Okay.

All right, all right.
We're on our way back.

Excuse me?

No, there is no Wendell Fong here.

This is gonna be frigging awful.

Well, maybe.

Maybe not.

Sometimes you build these things
up in your mind

and they turn out
not half as bad as you thought.

That being said, I guess
there's no easy way to tell you this.

I'm in love with Niles
and I can't marry you.

[DONNY GROANS]

Donny, are you all right?

[THUD]

DAPHNE:
Donny!

Mel, did you hear what I just said?

Say something. Anything.

[MEL SCREAMING]

Wow.

Wow.

Anyone try those little crab cakes?

- What? They were good.
FRASIER: All right, Dad.

We've just had front-row seats

for what is arguably
the most disastrous wedding in history.

We can't just ignore it
with a lot of inane chitchat.

Did you try that mustard dip
that went with them?

- It was good.
- Niles.

Frankly,
I'd prefer a little inane chitchat

to talking about
what actually happened back there.

Poor Donny.
I've never seen him so upset.

I just wish I'd broken the news to him
in a carpeted room

instead of the rock garden.

I just can't help feeling
that our happiness

has come at the expense
of Mel and Donny.

Yeah,
there was no easy way out of this.

You guys did the right thing
coming back,

I'm proud of you both.

Thanks, Dad.

And thank you, Frasier.

As painful as it was back there,
we owe you a debt of gratitude.

Daphne and I are here now
because of you.

[CHUCKLING]
Please, Niles.

I didn't really do all that much.

Just a minor pluck of Cupid's bow.

Nonsense.
You set this whole thing in motion.

Stop it. I'm blushing. Ha, ha, ha.

Just seeing you two kids together
is thanks enough for me.

Although I wouldn't turn down
a bottle of '82 Latour.

- He's not kidding.
- I know.

Oh, look. Isn't that my Winnebago
pulling out from the gas station?

I'd say so.

Dad, I'm amazed
you'd let Simon drive that thing.

Oh, it'll be fine. I gave him
a lecture about drinking and driving.

He did understand
you were discouraging it?

Of course.

Uh-oh.

I just hope he gets my family
to the airport on time.

I wouldn't want them to miss
their plane, if you get my drift.

Yeah, it's them, all right. It's all
your brothers waving from the back.

DAPHNE: Hello.
- Hey, how you doing?

- Hello.
- See you.

- Oh, well, that's very nice.
- Ohh...

Living up to the Moon
family name, I see.

DAPHNE:
Did Simon get you home all right

after dropping my family
at the airport?

Oh, yeah. He entertained
the whole neighbourhood

trying to parallel park
the Winnebago.

The highlight was when he flattened
a whole row of newspaper racks.

How many did he get?
My record's five.

I suppose he followed that up
with some sort of clumsy advance.

Oh, he tried, but I told him to get lost.
Then he hit on my babysitter.

She showed him why she's the star
of her JV soccer team.

You know, Mum claims
he was dropped as a child.

I think he was thrown.

I can't thank you enough for helping
me return these wedding gifts.

I've been dreading it.

Just reminds me of how many people
I've disappointed.

Daph, you really outdid yourself
on these corn muffins today.

They're light, moist, corny.

He's just being so sweet to me
because of all of this.

No, I mean it. They're delicious.

He hates them. Watch this.

You know, if you finish those off,
I'll make another batch.

I'll fill the freezer.
We can have them with every meal.

All right, all right, I give.

I was just trying to do
something nice around here.

Now, that's the last of it.
Look sharp, Daphne.

[GLASS BREAKS]

DAPHNE:
Simon, you idiot.

Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist.
I already dropped it in the elevator.

I think you've helped enough
for one day.

- Simon, how about a little breakfast?
- Oh, no, thanks, Martin.

I've already had a lovely,
crispy, golden waffle

and a foamy cappuccino
down in the Winnebago.

What? The Winnebago?

That doesn't have a waffle iron
or a cappuccino maker.

Wait, these gifts look like they've been
unwrapped and then wrapped again.

- Simon.
- Know what that is, Daphne?

That's a bread maker.

Which you did not register for.

Some people
are so bloody thoughtless.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That's stealing.
These gifts are going back.

Never. Returning
used merchandise is unethical.

And I, for one,
would never be party to it.

So...

Returning wedding presents,
I take it.

That's one problem Mel
and I avoided by eloping.

No presents to return when, uh...

When you shag
someone else's wife?

DAPHNE:
Simon.

- Would you like some coffee?
- I'd love some. Here, let me help.

Ooh. Dad, those look good.
What are they?

- Doorstops.
- Thank you.

- How did you sleep last night?
- I didn't.

- How about you?
- Not a wink.

Um, you know, as pleasant as it was

riding up and down
that driveway yesterday,

I think it hardly qualifies as a date,

so I have a surprise for you.

I made reservations for tonight
at Au Pied de Cochon.

Then after, we're going dancing
at the Starlight Room.

It'll be our first official date.
You free?

This is awfully short notice.
Can I get back to you?

Yeah, of course.

[LAUGHING]
Of course, I'm free, you silly sausage.

- Well...
- It sounds wonderful.

Um, Daphne... Uh...

- about us.

I think we shouldn't
rush into anything,

like living together
or even physical relations,

until I have the situation
resolved with Mel.

Do you have any thoughts
about that?

I'm so relieved.

I feel exactly the same way.

We need to get to know each other
in this whole new light first.

- We're completely simpatico.
- Yes.

Although, you know,
in some respects,

we're much further ahead
than most couples.

I already know how you take
your coffee.

Cream. One sugar.

And two lips.

FRASIER:
Good morning.

Mm. Good morning.
No, I don't see anything in your eye.

FRASIER:
For God's sake.

I've got news for you,
the cat is out of the bag.

Well, I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just not used to kissing
the boss's brother in the kitchen.

Not that I'm used to kissing him
any other place.

- I mean any other room.
- Yes, Daphne, I know what you mean.

So how are you two doing?

[NILES AND DAPHNE CHUCKLE]

Well, we're...
We're deliriously happy, of course.

Although l... I keep thinking about Mel
and how she must be feeling today.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Poor Donny.
He must be devastated.

- I'll never forgive myself for that.
NILES: Hello?

- Maybe I should go and see him.
- I wouldn't, Daph.

You know, Donny and Mel
have suffered a terrible blow.

They'll need space
and time to lick their wounds.

Believe me,
the emotional state they're in,

the last thing they'll want
is to speak with either of you.

Frasier, could you hold it down?
It's Mel.

That woman never misses
an opportunity to show me up.

Daphne, Simon's opening your gifts.

Bloody hell.

Simon, give me that. You idiot.

Oh, Roz, you little snitch.

You know, I'm starting
to have serious doubts

about whether you're gonna be
the future mother of my children.

Somewhere out there,
the future mother of your children

just lifted her head
from a puddle of drool.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yeah, but I bet
she's got a ripper body.

- Daphne Moon?
- Yes?

- These are for you.
- Oh, goodness.

And so is this.
Consider yourself served.

What?

Well, you won't believe this.

Mel insists on seeing me.

Wow. Wonderful flowers.
Who are they from?

Well, I can't read the card from here,
but I'd say they're from Donny.

- He trying to get you back?
- Oh, he's getting me back, all right.

- He's suing me.
NILES: What?

Call me crazy,

but you know what I think
we all need right now?

A nice pot of fondue.

I'm sure I've seen one
in here somewhere.

[KNOCKS]

[DOOR OPENS]

FRASIER:
Donny? Are you in here?

DONNY:
Hi, Fras.

FRASIER:
It's kind of dark in here.

Do you think maybe
we could turn on the light?

- Okay.
- Okay.

There, that's better. Heh-heh.

Uh...

Donny?

You're gonna have to turn around.
I can't see you.

DONNY:
We can't see you either.

We?

DONNY: Oh, that's right.
You haven't met my little friend.

You remember him?
From the top of the wedding cake?

I call him Mr. Chump.

Say hello to Mr. Chump.

- Oh, well, Donny, I don't...
- I said, say hello!

Hello, Mr. Chump.

- Donny, are you all right?
- Oh, yeah.

I was not feeling very well yesterday,

but the doctor gave me a few pills
and I'm feeling much better now.

So, what can I do for you?

Well, before I get to that, Donny,
I'd like you to know that my visit here

was completely my own idea.

Daphne has nothing to do with it.

What happened to you yesterday
was unforgivable and devastating.

I know whereof I speak.

See, I too,
was once abandoned at the altar.

You're feeling angry and hurt
and completely alone.

Aren't you forgetting someone?

Just so we're clear,

all my remarks refer
to human relationships.

Now, Daphne realizes you went
to great expense for this wedding,

and she is prepared
to repay you over time.

But, Donny, this $100,000 in punitive
damages for emotional distress,

that is not you.

That's not the Donny Douglas
I know.

- It's not?
- No.

You don't want to sue Daphne.

I'm a lawyer. It's my natural impulse.

Well, you know, maybe
I am being too hard on Daphne.

In all fairness,
she's not totally to blame.

Gosh, there's plenty of blame
to go around.

I mean, even I played a minor part
in these events.

You? I was talking about me.

Well, you, me, everyone.

Let he who is without sin, right?

Anyway, glad we had this talk.
God bless.

Wait, wait, wait. Just a minute.

What minor part did you play?

I may have mentioned in passing
to Niles and Daphne

how they felt about each other.

Which may have conceivably set

this whole thing in motion, perhaps.

You did this on my wedding day?

Oh, no. No, Donny, no.

It was the night before, but...

What I'm saying is that
if you feel the urge to yell,

then yell at me.

If you want to take a swing
at somebody, then here's my chin.

Are you gonna hit me?

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna hit you.

I'm gonna hit you
with tortious interference

and intentionally negligent infliction
of emotional distress.

In layman's terms,
I'm gonna sue your ass off.

Me? But... But Daphne's the one
who left you at the altar.

That's right. That's why I'm suing her
for breach of contract.

Listen, you're just being
emotional right now.

Give this a few days
and I'm sure you'll feel much better.

Actually, I'm feeling a lot better,
thank you.

Suing you is just the tonic
that I needed.

You know what else? I'm starving.
I haven't eaten in 24 hours.

I'd ask you to join me,
but you should be saving your money.

Turn the lights out when you leave.

Oh, by the way, Fras.

Who's Mr. Chump now?

Where is Mel?

That woman is punctual to a fault.
This is a bad sign.

She's only five minutes late.

Five? I thought it was two.

She's doing this intentionally.
She's playing mind games.

She's hoping to undermine
my confidence

so she'll have the advantage.

Yeah, but you're showing her.

I'm sorry I'm late.
What's wrong with Niles?

Oh, he's in a tizzy
because Mel's late.

Dear God, she's never late.

[NILES GASPING]

Steady, Niles.

Nice job, Frasier.

So how did things go with Donny?

I used every psychological trick
in my bag

to get myself added to the lawsuit.

NILES: That's unforgivable.
- Tell me about it.

NILES:
No, that prune Danish

that Dad dropped down here
last Thursday is still here.

- Oh, I think I see Mel pulling in.
NILES: Don't panic. Oh!

Thanks for the moral support.
Don't let her see you here.

- If you need us, we'll be right up there.
- Thanks.

Hello, Mel.

Niles.

Please.

Well, here we are,

our four-day anniversary.

- Mel, I never meant to...
- What, hurt me?

If that were the case,

you never would have run off
with your little maid-whore

leaving me holding the brochures
to our honeymoon.

Technically,
she's a physical therapist.

- You were saying?
- If you think that l...

- Oh, Mel. Here, here.
- No!

I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
Damn it.

I want you to listen to me
very carefully.

Last night, as I lay in bed, awake,

I thought I'm either going to kill you
or I'm going to kill myself.

Well, here you are,
so I guess that leaves...

MEL:
Will you shut up and let me finish?

I realised that wouldn't
solve anything.

So I've decided to make this
as painless as possible.

You will have your divorce, Niles,
and it will be quick and clean.

That's very generous.

Hold your applause.
There are some conditions.

As you know,
I have a certain standing

in my social circle
that's important to me.

And having my husband of three days
run off with some Cockney tart

is a humiliation I'd prefer to avoid.

- Yes, I understand completely.
- Here's how this is gonna play out.

For the next few weeks,

as far as the rest of the world
is concerned,

- we're still happily married.
- Check.

We will appear together in public
at various social occasions.

- Check.
- In private,

I don't wanna lay eyes on you.

Check, check.

And when a suitable amount of time
has passed, I will file for divorce.

Well, it seems like
you've thought of everything.

I have. Here's the watch I was
going to give you as a wedding gift.

Please wear it when we're together.

It's, uh...

Yes, it said "Forever yours", l...

I scratched it out with a screwdriver.

There's something else
crudely carved here.

Ah. Well, at least you were able to use
that F from "forever."

Maybe it's not gonna be
so bad after all.

She just gave him a watch.

Isn't this all too typical?

Niles leaves his wife
for another woman, he gets a gift.

I try to do the right thing,
I get Mr. Chump and a lawsuit.

Frasier, I know you thought
it was for the best,

but I told you not to go see Donny,
didn't I?

Yes, you did.

- But you went down there, didn't you?
- Yes, I did.

I told you not to screw around
with lawyers.

All right, Dad.

- I told him not to go down there.
- Will you shut up?

All right, there she goes.

So, Niles?

Well, um, all things considered,
not so bad.

In exchange for a neat
and tidy divorce,

all I have to do
is play the doting husband

at some social functions
for a few weeks.

Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

What kind of social functions?

Well, for instance,
tonight is our wedding reception.

FRASIER:
Dear God.

Well, since we eloped,
some of Mel's colleagues

decided to throw a little last-minute
get-together to toast our nuptials.

Well, after Donny gets
through with Frasier,

you won't be the only one having
your nuptials toasted.

Explain to me again
how you and Mel

masquerading as husband and wife
is a good thing?

- Well...
- If I may, Daphne,

it's basically to give Mel
a little wiggle room

so she can get out this debacle
with her dignity intact.

Well, what about Niles's dignity?

Well, Maris got that in the divorce.
Ha-ha! Sorry, Niles.

[MOUTHS]
That's funny.

- Would you like some sherry?
- Yes, thanks.

FRASIER: Daphne?
- Yeah, all right,

I'll get your precious wedge of brie
and your water crackers.

No. I meant,
would you like some sherry?

Oh.

Love some. Thanks.

Listen, Daphne,
I know this is all very awkward,

but if it speeds up
the divorce process,

avoids the misery I went through
with Maris, isn't it worth it?

Well...

Come on, snookums, we can
get through this. What do you say?

What did you just call me?

- Snookums.
- Snookums?

It was an attempt at a pet name.

Well, if it's all the same to you,
could we keep looking?

Absolutely.
There's no rush whatsoever, truffles.

It's the chocolate, not the fungus.

- It's a work in progress.
- Yes.

FRASIER: Here you are.
- Thank you.

- Well, for you.
- Thank you.

Here is to better days.

For all of us. Ha-ha-ha-ho.

Why, what happened to you?

Well, I went down
and talked to Donny,

try to convince him to drop
his lawsuit against you.

Instead, he's now suing me
as well for the part I played

in getting you two together.

DAPHNE:
Well, I am so sorry, Dr. Crane.

This is turning
into such a horrible mess.

Not that I expected it to be
a bed of roses, mind you,

but it's gotten so you wonder
what God-awful calamity

is gonna befall us next.

Something smells in your elevator.

Ohh. Now it smells in here too.

I'm beginning to think this is not such
a ritzy building after all.

Did you get my wedding gifts
down to the post?

As we speak, they are winging
their way towards their rightful owners.

Thank you, Simon.

And in a totally unrelated matter,

I am pleased to announce
that the Winnebago

is now equipped
with a state-of-the-art DVD

complete with surround sound.

I don't believe this.

Tonight's feature is Braveheart

starring Australia's favourite son,
Mr. Mel Gibson.

Showtime is at 8 sharp.
Everyone is invited.

As tempting as that sounds,
I have a date.

Niles is taking me to dinner
and dancing.

At least this day will end
on a high note.

I guess I can't avoid telling you this
any longer.

I just want you to know I'm attending
this wedding reception under protest.

- Wedding reception?
- Thanks, Dad.

You know those social obligations
I was talking about?

One of them is tonight.

A wedding reception
for you and Mel?

It's... It's at the Equestrian Center.

It's nothing major.
It's very impromptu.

Champagne, cake, we pet the horses,
we're out of there by 11.

- Well, what about...?
- Gosh, Niles, look at the time.

Sorry, but we've gotta
get across town in an hour.

You better get home
and get changed.

Don't forget to wear
that watch Mel gave you.

- Watch?
- Thanks again, Dad.

I can explain that.
I can explain everything tomorrow.

It's just a 24-hour delay.

I switched all the reservations,
dining, dancing, everything.

I promise I will make it up to you,
pooky.

Even I hate that one.

But what about our date?

Oh, there, there, there, Daphne,
don't cry, don't cry.

It's all right.

This sounds like a job
for Braveheart.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

MARTIN: Don't look now,
but there's a guy in a bow tie

who's been checking me out
for the last 20 minutes.

Oh, one of Mel's colleagues.
I met him earlier.

What's he keep staring at me for?

Well, he's a plastic surgeon.

Maybe he's looking at your eyelids
and planning his next trip to Maui.

[NILES LAUGHING]

Good Lord, look at him overacting.

Trying to convince everybody
he's happily married.

Have you ever seen anything
so pathetic in your life?

How about you and Lilith?

It was a rhetorical question.

Thank you.

Niles, I'd like you to meet
Adrianna Pettibone.

- Hello.
- Adrianna stables General Prescott,

our current grand champion,
right here at the equestrian club.

Wonderful.

Speaking of grand champions,
how about this little filly, mm? Huh?

I didn't even have
to check her teeth. Oh!

[NILES LAUGHING]

- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry. I'm a little nervous.

Well, I'm here.

Congratulations and all that B.S.
Where's the bar?

Roz, what are you doing here?

I invited her. Your side of the guest list
looked a little sparse.

Forgive me if I'm not in the spirit
of this wink-wink "happy occasion,"

- but I'm in a very crappy mood.
- Are you limping?

Yeah, I twisted my ankle on the stairs.
You know how that happened?

I couldn't find shoes,
so I had to wear these 3-inch spikes,

and the "check engine" light
on my dash keeps coming on.

What does that have to do with it?

Nothing. It just really ticks me off.

The bar! The bar! Thank you.

- That was so sweet of her to come.
- Niles, this is important.

If anyone should ask
about the honeymoon,

we're flying to Paris,

then we're taking
the Orient Express to Venice,

where we'll spend two weeks
at the Mansarda Palazetto Suite

at the Cipriani.

What's the matter?

It sounds like a wonderful trip.

- It's not my fault we're not going.
- I know.

Ah. Here's the happy couple.

All right, you two,
show me those pearly whites.

- All right, now, how about a kiss?
- Well, I hardly know you, but... Ha-ha!

He's kidding.

Here we go. Mm.

Come on, doc.
This is your wife, not mine.

- All right, well.
- Okay.

CROWD:
Ohh.

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

I'll go check on dad and Frasier.

- Yes, they do make a lovely couple.
- Don't they?

I'm sure they'll be happy together
for many years.

Well, you never know.

- Dad?
- Well, you don't, do you?

I mean,
I'm just saying you never know.

No, I guess you don't.

Been lovely talking with you.
Enjoy the party.

What the hell's wrong with you?

In a few weeks,
I'm gonna look like a genius.

Well, I feel really stupid.
I just came on to the guy in the tux.

They really should make waiters
wear nametags.

Yes, Roz, carrying trays
and taking drink orders

leaves so much room for ambiguity.

Shut up.

I think it's going pretty well, don't you?
Do you think anyone's suspicious?

No, it's the greatest phoney reception
I've ever been to.

So how are you holding up?

If I have to stretch my muscles
into a smile one more time,

I think my face may crack.

MEL: Niles.
- Yes, darling!

It's time to cut the cake, so why
don't you just gather everyone around?

- Okay.
- All right.

Excuse me, I'm sorry, I need
to borrow Frasier for just one moment.

Oh, sure.

Uh, Frasier, I had an interesting little
phone call from Donny this afternoon.

- Oh?
- Yes.

He said you'd been by
to see him earlier today.

I may have done so.

Yes, he said you were a busy little bee
before the wedding,

first buzzing in Niles's ear and then
you were buzzing in Daphne's ears...

- Let me explain. Now, you see...
- Buzz, buzz...

Now... Now please...

Just stop that, please!

You see, I've been torturing myself
trying to figure out

how this all happened so quickly,
and now I know.

I won't forget this.

- What was that all about?
- Donny talked to Mel.

- Told you not to go down there.
- Oh, Dad, stop it!

MEL:
Attention, everyone.

Before we cut the cake,
Niles's brother Frasier

would like to make a toast
in our honour.

I didn't know you were doing this.

Neither did I.

Well, uh...

Love...

...is an awesome force.

It can make us do things
we never imagined were possible.

For you see,
we don't actually choose love.

It chooses us.

And once it has, we are powerless
to do anything about it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
raise your glasses with me

in toasting my brother
and the love of his life,

for she is truly the woman
of his dreams.

And my father and I couldn't be
more thrilled with his choice.

To the happy couple.

[CROWD CHATTERS]

Well, wasn't that clever
of your brother?

It's only too bad
your little English muffin

wasn't here to enjoy it as well.

Which reminds me,

you do realise that
while we are pretending to be married,

you absolutely cannot be seen
in public with Daphne.

- L...
- I love you too, honey.

Hello?

Hello, is anybody home?

MARTIN: Hey, Simon.
Just making coffee. You want some?

I was thinking of something colder
with a bit more of an amber hue.

MARTIN: Beer?
- Brilliant!

If you aren't the finest detective
in Seattle,

I am the prince of Wales.

MARTIN:
How did Eddie like his walk?

The little nipper loved it.

Oh, I think nature's calling him again.
His bladder's worse than mine.

I'll be back in a flash.

MARTIN:
Okay.

Was that Simon's voice I heard?

Yeah, he just took Eddie
on a walk for me.

Well, about time that chowderhead
made himself useful.

Oh, don't be so hard on him.
He tries.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Yes, well, if you're talking about
my patience, he certainly does.

- Ah. Niles, come on in.
- Frasier.

Oh, hey, Dad, about a block
from here I saw a dog

that looked remarkably like Eddie
tied up outside a bar.

- Impossible. He was just here.
NILES: Oh.

So, uh, did you say anything to her?

No, no, you told us not to.

Want us out of here?

No, I think I'll be safer
with witnesses.

- Niles, I didn't hear you come in.
- I just got here.

DAPHNE: Hey.
- Hey.

- How are you today?
- Wonderful.

I realised that postponing
our date one day

doesn't really amount to much
in the great scheme of things.

- So how was your wedding reception?
- Oh, it was your average night in hell.

Well, that's behind us now.

We have a wonderful evening
to look forward to.

I bought a new dress.

It's much too expensive,
but you're worth it.

And I'm getting my hair done
and my...

Why are you looking
at each other like that?

We're not looking
at each other like that.

Like what? Like anything.

MARTIN: Uh-uh.
DAPHNE: Yes, you were.

Those darty little glances
mean something's up. Niles?

- About tonight...
- I hate the way this is starting.

Mel feels that as long as she and I
are acting like we're married,

you and I can't be seen together
in public.

- So that means...
- I know what that means.

It's just until the divorce.

- Whenever that bloody is.
- Daphne...

If you'll excuse me,
I have a splitting headache.

NILES: You know, if you look at it
from Mel's point of view,

it really does make a lot of sense.

He came so close.

- What did you say?
- I said, "Damn that Mel."

No, you didn't.
You should have, but you didn't.

Sounded to me
like you were taking her side.

All right, could we turn
the clock back two minutes

and pretend this never happened?

Why don't we just turn it back
to 10 minutes before my wedding

and save everybody all this trouble?

NILES: What are you saying?
- What do you think I'm saying?

Sounds like you're saying
you're sorry you did this.

- Maybe that's what I'm saying.
- Oh, boy.

Before anybody
says something they'll regret...

Butt out! If you hadn't opened your
mouth, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Donny wouldn't be suing me
and everyone else in sight.

And I wouldn't be out
two weeks' salary

for a new dress
I'm apparently never going to wear.

And you wouldn't be kowtowing
to that shrew of a wife of yours.

- This is all my fault?
- Oh, shut up, Frasier.

The only thing more hollow
than your protest of innocence

is your big, fat head!

I am wounded!

I intervened only out of love and caring
about the two people...

Oh, put a sock in it.

I am sick of listening to you yammering
on about everything under the sun.

- Daphne...
- And I'm sick of listening to you too.

You got anything to say, old man?

Good!

[DOOR SLAMS]

I'm waiting.

For what?

An apology for that unprovoked
broadside you levelled at me.

You expect me to apologise to you?

Expect it, sir, and demand it.

Well, then here's my answer. No!

- No?
- No!

And furthermore, why don't you take
your broadside, stuff it in a chair

and keep your unlimited supply
of opinions, suggestions, proposals

and recommendations to yourself.

- Well, I never.
- No, you always.

Get out!

How's a corned beef sandwich
sound?

I am appalled.

Well, no problem. There's some
smoked turkey in here too.

What is my offence?

What egregious sin
have I committed

that I should be so maligned?

Was I to just sit idly by
and watch these two misguided souls

embark on doomed relationships?

Would they have thanked me
for that?

- Not very likely, I dare say.
- Who moved the mustard?

- Top shelf, door.
- Bingo.

And then, when they were perched
on the very brink of disaster,

I snatched them
from the gaping maw

and placed them gently
into one another's arms.

But am I accorded a hero's welcome
for my troubles?

Am I hoisted on their shoulders
and paraded about the room?

I don't have my glasses.
What's the expiration date?

Last week.

I'll chance it.

No.

Those two ingrates
turn on me like vipers

and make me the villain
of the piece.

Well, hear me now.

From this day forward, Frasier Crane
will not interfere with those two.

This is it. Finished. Finito.

[SPEAKS IN LATIN]

MARTIN: Uh-huh.
- I know I've made

declarations like this before, but I tell
you what, Dad, you mark the calendar.

You note the time on your watch.

This is it.

Well, if you figure out a way
to get them back together,

I'll be in my room
if you need any help.

Have you been listening to me?

MARTIN: Well, I tried not to,
but some of it still got through.

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Daphne.

- Making yourself a sandwich?
- No, Dad did.

Hope he didn't use the mayonnaise.
I meant to throw it out.

- I've seen him eat worse.
- I'll say.

Remember when he dropped
his hot dog at the petting zoo?

Oh, Dr. Crane, I'm so sorry
I said those things about you.

I didn't mean them.

Oh, I know, Daphne. Come here.

I guess this all finally came
crashing down on me.

Yes, I know.
It's perfectly understandable.

Listen, I know you can't go out
on your date with Niles tonight,

but what's to stop two friends
from going out to dinner?

My treat. You can even wear
that new dress of yours.

DAPHNE:
Thank you.

That's a lovely offer,
but I think I'll just stay home tonight.

Have a quiet night.

- I understand.
- Thank you.

- Sure you won't change your mind?
- Positive.

Hello.

My furry friend and I have just
concluded our daily constitutional,

with young Edward here dropping
a few amendments along the way.

So, what's on the docket tonight?

All I want is a quiet night at home.

Oh, Stilts,
you and I are of one mind.

I'll hoist a beer
while you get dinner started

and then when our bellies are full
and you've done the dishes,

we will adjourn to the Winnebago
where Mr. Jean-Claude Van Damme,

the Muscles from Brussels, will ply
his trade against the forces of evil.

- Ready at 8?
- Make it 7:30.

NILES:
Good idea, Dad.

An evening out, just the two of us.

I had no idea you enjoyed
the Natural History Museum.

Oh, sure, and that documentary on
the rain forest is supposed to be great.

That's what I hear.

Hope it has Pygmies. I like Pygmies.

I know you do.

So, uh, where's...?

She went out with Frasier
to a restaurant for dinner.

Ah.

- Did she happen to ask about...?
- Sorry.

Dad, we're going up.

Oh, God. Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, we'll just have to take
the long way.

Why do you like Pygmies so much?

They're short and they blow darts.
What's not to like?

Come on. Come on up here.

NILES: What could possibly be
so important for me to see up here?

The guy in 1708
got some homing pigeons.

He built a coop up here for them.

Pigeons? I don't like pigeons.
They have no respect for public art.

Trust me. You're gonna like this.

Dad, I don't think I handled things
very well today.

Do you think Daphne
will ever forgive me?

Why don't you ask her for yourself?

Your table is ready, sir.

- You look stunning.
- Thank you.

You look dashing.

FRASIER:
I trust this will be to your liking.

Everything's to my liking.

Looks like we're having
that first date after all.

You went to so much trouble.

It wasn't me. It was your brother.

Well, you know me. I hate to butt in.

NILES:
Ohh...

I'd planned to take Daphne to dinner
when suddenly inspiration struck.

Since you two couldn't go
to Au Pied de Cochon this evening,

my faithful companion and I

would bring it to you courtesy
of their caterer.

If dancing at the Starlight Room
was impossible,

we'd give you the real thing.

It's all so overwhelming.

Yeah. Frasier, Dad,
I don't know what to say.

You even got that man
to move his pigeons.

There were no pigeons.

Ohh.

How can we ever thank you two?

Just have a beautiful evening.

I think we can do that.

- And, Frasier, listen...
- Apology accepted, Niles.

Oh, just remember to give
the lingonberry sauce a little stir...

MARTIN:
They can figure it out.

Right.

- Daphne, about today...
- Let's just forget about that.

Why don't we start from here?

I would love that.

- To us.
- To us.

I'm usually so nervous
on a first date,

but not tonight.

Would you like to dance?

Oh, I'd love to.

So where are you from?

- Manchester, England.
- Oh, my.

- Big family?
- Hideously.

[NILES CHUCKLES]

DAPHNE:
And you?

I'm from a small mountain village
in Tibet.

[DAPHNE CHUCKLING]

Tenzing Norgay used
to carry me to school.

You know what
I've always wondered?

- Think I can guess?
- Yeah.