Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 9 - The Apparent Trap - full transcript

Hey, morning, Fras.

Hi, Roz.

Well... well, is...
is Baby Alice dressed

as a little turkey,

or am I just
very, very hungry?

(both laugh)

We're flying home
for Thanksgiving

right after the show.

I thought
I'd make Alice

look as cute as possible,

so if she cries on the plane,



the other passengers
can't get mad. Ah.

Actually, what I'd like to do

is keep her awake,
so she'll sleep on the plane.

You know, you should just do
what I used to do.

I used to tell the passengers
that if Frederick cried,

I'd buy them all a drink.

And that worked?
Oh, yes.

In fact, one time,
I woke from a short nap,

and the fellow sitting behind us
was flicking the back

of Frederick's
little ear.

Of course, that
was cheating,

and the man did
not get his drink.

So when is Frederick
coming, anyway?

Oh, well, Lilith's dropping
him off around noon,



then she's off to visit
a colleague for Thanksgiving

in Vancouver.

You know, come to think of it,

do they even celebrate
Thanksgiving in Canada?

They will when she leaves.

(doorbell rings)

(footsteps)

Hi, Dad.

Frederick!

(laughing):
Hi.

Hello, Frasier.

Hello. Oh, gosh, you know,

I was starting to get
worried about you.

You're an hour late.

We saw a big accident
on the freeway.

Mom saved this guy's life.

Really? Well, that's
going a bit far.

I simply applied
a tourniquet.

She's a hero.

Yes, that's your mother,
all right, son.

Then the paramedics came

and wanted to give
Mom a transfusion.

Yes, that's your mother,
all right, son.

If you don't mind,
I'd like to use the phone

and call my colleague
and tell him I'll be late.

Yes, of course.

Who is this colleague anyway?

He's the man who supplies
me with lab rats.

It's about time
we got together socially.

I've known him
for over 52 generations.

Ah. Well, if the drumsticks
are about this big,

you'll know why.

Good one, Dad.

Thank you, son.

Hello, Peter,
it's Lilith.

Listen, I'm running about
an hour late, so I...

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry

to hear that.

Well, take care of yourself.

Okay. Good-bye.

What's happened?

Peter's come down
with something.

Thinks he caught it
from the rats.

Oh, now, nobody ever got
anything from a rat

that wasn't resolved
in a day or two.

Off you go.

Hey, Mom,

why don't you spend
Thanksgiving with us?

(laughs) That's a very
good one, Frederick.

Now go kiss your mother
good-bye and unpack, all right?

Would it be that unbearable

for me to be here
for one meal?

As soon as we're done,
I'll go check into a hotel.

I can spend the weekend

working on an article
I've been writing.

Well, you know Niles
is coming this afternoon,

and it'd be very uncomfortable,
I think.

You know, you two
haven't seen each other

since your little tryst.

Oh, please.
Niles and I are adults.

I suppose you're right.

It would mean
a lot to Frederick.

After all,

Thanksgiving
is a time to celebrate family.

(doorknob jiggling)

Come in.

Is the witch
gone yet?

Lilith's still here, Dad.

Oh. In that case,

I'll ask you, too.

Lilith, has my twitch
gone yet?

I had some
very strong coffee

this morning, and...

Skillfully done, Martin.

(footsteps running)

Grandpa!

Oh, Freddy!

How you doing?

So, Dad, is Mom

staying for dinner?

Yes, Frederick, I am.

Isn't that
great, Grandpa?

Great, Freddy.

Real great.

Isn't that great,
Freddy?

Are you okay, Grandpa?

He's worried about his twitch.

(doorbell rings)

(Eddie whimpering)
Come on, Eddie, come on.

What's the matter?

He was perfectly fine

until about
a block from here.

Then he started
whining and trembling.

It's like he senses
an earthquake or a dark force

or-- hello, Lilith--
a vortex of evil.

MARTIN: Here, here,
let me have him.

Come on, I'll take him.

Yeah, it's okay.

Come on, boy.

That's all right.

Don't worry.

Nothing to be scared of.

I'll help with
the groceries.

Hey, Freddy.

Thank you.

Well, I'd better see
how the turkey's coming.

Yes, Daphne's preparing dinner.

Oh, should we tell her
there's an extra person?

(clattering)

No need.

(doorbell rings)

Hello, Frasier.

Niles.

Hello, Lilith.

Hello, Niles.

Lovely to see you again.

Nice to see
you, too.

I trust your flight
was uneventful.

Up, down, bumpy
over the mountains.

Isn't that always the way?

Lilith is joining us
for dinner, Niles.

What a nice surprise.

It certainly
is nice for me.

Well, not as nice
as it is for me.

Oh, stop it, both of you.

I refuse to spend the day

listening
to this stilted chatter.

Well, how would you
have us behave?

Well, why don't you try

going back
to your former relationship.

All we did was
insult each other.

Yes.

You're willing to throw that
away because of one

ill-considered
night of passion?

It happened.

Take from it what you
can learn. Move on.

Well... I learned

if you kiss her too fast,
you get an ice cream headache.

You also learned that I have
twice your upper-body strength,

so shut your pie hole.

Was that so hard?

Wait, wait, wait.

What are you doing?

I'm mashing
the potatoes.

By hand? You're supposed
to whip potatoes.

That way, every bite
tastes the same.

Well, isn't that a bit bland?

Hello.

Welcome to potatoes.

Could you just once cook
a traditional Thanksgiving meal?

I mean, look
at this cranberry sauce.

It's supposed to keep
the shape of the can--

quiver a little bit.

What are all these
little chunks in there?

Those are cranberries.

Dad, here you are.

One frozen pumpkin pie
as requested. Ah.

Honestly, wouldn't you rather

I just bake
a pie from scratch?

Is it that
you can't learn

or you won't learn?

I'm done setting the table.

Oh, you set the table.

That's very nice,
very elegant, Frederick.

Oh, yes, Freddy's
been quite the little helper.

Every time I bend over to
check the turkey, there he is.

So, Lilith, tell me about
this article you're writing.

FREDERICK:
It's about me.

Essentially, yes.

I was talking to a friend

who works at the New
York Times Magazine

about raising a
child after divorce.

And she pointed out that,
as a psychiatrist,

I might have a
unique perspective.

You know,
since it's about me,

shouldn't I get
something for it?

You're not getting a minibike.

But, Mom...

We have talked about this.

You can get one
when you're 15.

But all my friends
have minibikes.

Yes, and if all of your friends
decided to enter

a level-four biohazard area

without their
environmental containment suits,

would you do that, too?

This is different.

No, it's not.

Dad?

Sorry, Frederick.

I'm with your mother
on this one.

Dinner's almost ready.

Excuse me.

You know what
I think, Dad?

You and Mom should write
this article together.

Well, I'm sure your mother
can write it without my help.

But it was her idea.

Hmm? She told me
on the plane

how much easier
it would be.

I just don't think she
knows how to ask you.

It is an intriguing idea.

MARTIN: Frasier, I could use
some help out here.

He's picking the raisins
out of the stuffing.

Oh, Lord.

All right,
coming, Dad.

You know, I think
you and Dad

should write this
article together.

Together?

Well, I think the last thing
your father wants

is to collaborate
with me.

It was his idea.

He just told me how
much fun it would be.

Well, it's
an interesting notion.

Beautiful job

carving that turkey,
Dr. Crane.

Well, I picked up a thing
or two in medical school.

In case you're wondering,
this bird appears

to have died
of a massive head trauma.

Did you wash
your hands, Frederick?

Yeah. Uncle Niles
even showed me how

to open the door
with my elbow

so I don't need to
touch the handle.

What are uncles for?

Daphne, is your
fiancé joining us?

No. I'll be seeing him later.

Donny has his own
Thanksgiving tradition.

He has a dinner for
all the divorced men

he's represented
during the year.

He's hosting 25 today.

Wow. 25 lonely, bitter men.

It's been a good year.

Uncle Niles,
Mom's writing

an article about me.

Really?

It's about raising
a child after divorce.

Yes, it sounds fascinating,
doesn't it?

It's a subject that's very
near and dear to my own heart.

Are you suggesting
we collaborate?

Well, if you think
I might be helpful.

What a great idea.

You can write it together.

I'd be willing.

Well, we
certainly did well

on our first
collaboration.

You know, Lilith,
we could probably get most

of it done
in the time

you're still
here in town.

And if she stayed here,

you can finish
the whole thing.

Well, guess it'll be
all right by me.

Daphne, would that

be too much of
an imposition?

Not at all.

I'll be spending the
weekend with Donny.

Now, where is your father
with that gravy?

Well, then
I'll stay here.

Although, maybe we

should run this
by your father.

Hmm.

(crashing)

No need.

(paper tearing)

Yes. I think we should
have something

about noncustodial
parents and discipline.

Exactly.

The weekend father

need not be
a weakened father.

(chuckles)

Frasier, you still
have a direct line

to my funny bone.

(laughs)

Thank goodness,
the line wasn't busy.

Now, stop. If we
laugh all night,

we'll never get
any work done.

(video game playing)

(knock at door)

Hey, Frederick,
I'm leaving.

I just...

What you doing?

I'm saving the universe.

You want to help?

I wouldn't know
where to begin.

It's easy.
I'll show you.

Oh, all right.
What do I do?

That's your guy.

You've just escaped

from an intergalactic
maximum security prison pod.

Like they could hold me.

Now, once you leave
this chamber,

you can go left or right,

and different things
will happen to you.

Okay.

(character screams)

What happened?

Wow. I never saw the guy
trip and fall before.

Try it again.

You have two lives left.
Oh.

(character screams)

I... can't seem to
get out of this room.

Is this some sort
of advanced level?

No.

This is, like,
the training area.

I didn't even know
you could die here.

(character screams)

I have to get out
of this room.

The reset button
is on the right.

You want
something to drink?

Quiet.

Hi, Dad.

Oh. Hi, son.

How's the writing?

Well, it's coming
along nicely, thanks.

Oh. Mom wants to know

if you'd bring out
a little wine.

Oh, all right.

You know, it's great to see
you and Mom working together.

I think she
kind of misses you.

Really?

Yeah. She talks about you

all the time, you know--

how wonderful you are,

and how she's never met
another man like you.

You go take that out to her.

I'll finish up in here.

Thank you, son.

There you are.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Um, I've been rearranging
this outline.

Why don't you
take a look?

Uh, looks fine.

Frasier, you can't see it
from there. Sit down.

You know, I'm really
enjoying this collaboration.

Me, too.

Is it me, or is it
getting warm?

It is a little warm.

All right, boy,
I'm coming.

I'm coming.

FRASIER:
You know, Dad,

let me walk you out.

Okay.

Something I want
to discuss with you.

(growls)
You know,

I've never seen him
so eager to take a walk.

I wonder what...

Oh, right.

Hey, Mom, how's
the article going?

Very well, thank you.

You know, I've never
seen Dad this happy.

Oh? What do you mean?

Well, all he does
is talk about you--

how pretty you look,

and how smart
you are...

and how much he misses you.

What makes you think
she's coming on to you?

Well, actually,
Frederick told me.

But, you know,
it actually makes sense.

I mean, this colleague of hers
gets mysteriously ill;

she lassos me into writing
this article with her,

then all of a sudden,
before I know it,

the bun is off, she's waggling
a bare shoulder at me.

Oh, please. Some of us
just had a big meal.

(knock at door)

It's not your turn yet.

I still have two more lives.

It's Lilith.

(character screams)

I need to talk to you.

Does the door have to be closed?

I think it's best.

It's of a personal nature.

What's this about?

Well, it's about
an attraction

that I thought was over,

and now I'm beginning
to think maybe it's not.

Usually, in my dreams

this is where
I try to run and can't.

This isn't about you,
you egomaniac.

This is about Frasier.

I think he wants
us together again.

He knows how I feel
about you.

Not us!

Me and Frasier!

Is there a chair here
I could talk to?

(character screams)

Well, what makes you think

he wants you
to get back together?

Well, first, he offers

to collaborate
on this article.

Now he's plying
me with wine.

At this very moment,

I suspect he's
asking your father

to clear out
for the night.

Well, so he took a professional
interest in your article,

and he offered you some wine
on Thanksgiving.

Now who's the egomaniac?

Perhaps I am
overreacting.

I'll just have to
keep my eyes peeled

for more
conclusive evidence.

I didn't know
there was a door there.

Then again,
maybe I've just made

this whole thing up
in my head.

Tell you what, Dad.

Take a minute,
and then come back in.

See what you think
is going on in there,

and then find some subtle way
to tell me what you think.

All right, okay, uh,

just give me a minute.

(Ravel's "Bolero" playing)

Frasier.

Lilith.

Well, isn't this... nice?

Yes. Very nice.

Oh, uh, excuse me again.

I just came back to get
an umbrella in case it rains.

But I hope it doesn't,
'cause Eddie's just dying

to play this new game
I taught him.

I take off his leash,
and I say, "Run for your life!"

(laughs)

That's exactly what I say:
"Run for your life!"

Thank you, Dad.

Okay.

Run for your life!

Frasier, we have to talk.

Yes, Lilith, we do.

I mean, I can't just
sit here all night,

waiting for you
to make your move.

Well, you've just got this
all worked out, haven't you?

Well, let's see.

Candlelight, wine,
soft music--

What else do I need?

I don't know
what's worse--

that you want me back,
or that you think

I could be
won so easily.

Wait. You think
I'm responsible for this?

You assume you can
just snap your fingers,

and old Frasier
will come a-running?

Well, I'm sorry. It doesn't
work that way, sister.

First of all,
I have to be finessed!

I didn't do any of this.

And if you didn't either,
then someone is setting us up.

But who...

Frederick.

He told me that you've
been pining for me.

He just told me
the same about you.

Good Lord.

Here we are
writing an article

on taking your child
through a divorce, and...

our own son is nursing
a hopeless fantasy

that we'll get back together.

We've got to go
talk with him.

Now, wait a minute.

Something is not right here.

When has Frederick
ever expressed

the slightest desire
to see us together?

He could have been
sublimating it for years.

Yeah, even so,
he lied to both of us.

He had to have known
that we'd compare notes.

All right, so his plan
was a little artless.

Unless that's exactly
what he wanted.

What do you mean?
Think about it.

He makes us believe
that he wants us together.

Of course,
we have to tell him

that's not
going to happen.

His hopes are dashed,
and we feel so guilty

that we compensate by getting
him something he wants.

A minibike?

That's a very clever
little boy we have.

God, could he actually
be so devious?

Oh, well, if he wants
something badly enough,

he will figure out a way
to get it.

Remember when he was a baby--

the bottle
at the end of the maze?

You know, I kind of
regret doing that.

Frederick!

What are you
going to do,

just come out
and ask him?

No, of course not.
He'll only deny it.

What, then?
(door opens)

Just go with me on this.
All right.

Frederick, have a seat.

We need to talk to you.

What about?

We know that
you've been trying

to maneuver us together,
and it's only natural

for a child of divorce
to want that.

Generally speaking,
your plan would be fruitless,

but when your father and I
let down our guard

and looked at each other
in the candlelight,

we realized that
we belong together.

In other words...
we're getting remarried.

Do you really mean it?

This is going to be
the best Christmas ever.

I'm going to go tell
Uncle Niles.

Have you lost
your mind?!

He's cooler
than I thought.

Cooler?

This isn't a game of poker.

This is our son being
lied to by his parents.

We've got to go in there,
tell him the truth,

and make it up to him

even if it takes a fleet
of minibikes.

No, no, no,
Frasier.

No, see, we called his bluff.

Now he's calling ours.

The question is,
what's our next move?

Oh, I know. Why don't we
just consult this handy

little guide for
divorced parents?

We can't blink first.

We've got to up the ante.

Good idea, Lilith.
You know what?

Let's go in there
and promise him

the baby brother
he'll never have!

What's this joyous news I hear?

You know, Frederick,

you're going to have
to give up all of your friends

because we're going
to live here in Seattle.

I'd live anywhere
to be a family again.

So, it is true.

Congratulations
to you both.

Good night.

Don't you want your coat,
Uncle Niles?

No, thank you.

I'm going to go call
my friends.

I love you.

I don't understand.

I was so sure.

Oh, gee, don't be so
tough on yourself, Lilith.

After all, what parent doesn't,
at one time or another,

completely obliterate
their child's chances

of ever trusting
another human being?

Ah, well, there he is,
telling his friends

that all his dreams
have come true.

Unless that's what
he wants us to think.

When will you stop?

FREDERICK:
It worked.

All I did was tap into

my parents'
feelings of inadequacy,

and they crumbled.

BOY:
What does that mean?

FREDERICK:
I'm getting a minibike.

Frederick.

Uh-oh.

(phone disconnects)

Do I know my son,
or do I know my son?

He was willing to put us
through absolute hell

just for a minibike?

You know what
this means, don't you?

Yes, he's normal;
we're not bad parents.

Well done,
Dr. Sternin.

Well done, Dr. Crane.

(laughs)

Well, we really
should get in there.

Yes, I suppose
we should.

Must be sheer torment for him

waiting for
the ax to fall.

Absolute hell.

Absolute nightmare.

Wine?

Love some.

♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪

(laughing)

♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Frasier has left the building.