Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 8 - The Late Dr. Crane - full transcript
A minor fender-bender sends Frasier to the hospital. While waiting, Niles hears the name of Maris's plastic surgeon, Mel Karnofsky, and decides to confront him about a billing error. An annoying man bores Frasier into leaving the office, and the man uses Frasier's name to jump the line. Niles is surprised to find that Mel is actually a woman, with whom he has a lot in common. The man at the hospital dies suddenly, and Frasier is mistakenly thought dead for a day. He takes it as a wake-up call, doing his best to live life to the fullest every day. Niles doesn't have the nerve to ask Mel for a date, so instead he has repeated cosmetic surgeries from her.
I can't believe
how cold it is in here.
Niles, the climate
control is on.
It's perfectly
comfortable.
Oh, really?
Touch your tongue
to the seat belt.
I dare you.
I'm starting to regret
I even asked you to this exhibit.
I wanted to
invite Regan,
but after the disaster I made
of our first date,
I just felt too ashamed
to even ask.
Well, you can't avoid her
forever.
She's your neighbor.
Ask her again.
What's the worst thing
that could happen?
She'd ask me
to stop harassing her,
which means I'd have to spend
the next six months
riding in the service elevator
with Guillermo
and his three-legged cat.
How is little Wobbles?
Fine.
I see what you're
doing, Niles!
Listen, if you're so cold,
there is a scarf
in the glove compartment.
Oh, really? I thought
that's where you kept
the butter and the eggs.
Well, now it's
burning up in here!
Oh... I'm just going to
take this thing off.
Are you insane?
No.
Well, at least wait
until we've stopped.
You're going
to get us killed!
Take the wheel.
I'll take the wheel, but...
Frasier, stop.
No. It's almost off.
No, I mean brake! Brake!
Are you all right?
Yes.
Thank heaven your
fist softened
the blow of
the airbag.
Hurt your nose?
Yes.
That's what I figured.
Right when you
came in, I said,
"That guy hurt
his nose."
So how did you,
uh, you know...?
Excuse me.
Yes, hello, this is, uh,
Dr. Frasier Crane here.
I was just wondering...
I filled out my paperwork
about half an hour ago.
They'll call you.
We're seeing people
in order of importance.
Oh, really? Well, you know,
I do have my own radio show.
The importance of the injury.
Yes, of course.
Do you know-- are there
any plastic surgeons on call?
Oh, Niles, that's not necessary.
You can't be
too careful.
It could be broken.
Don't worry-- the best
plastic surgeons in town
have their offices here:
Dr. Rabb,
Dr. Karnofsky
and Dr. Burke.
Karnofsky? Mel Karnofsky?
That's right.
Maris' plastic surgeon.
Oh.
Would you believe
that charlatan
is still picking my pocket
a year after my divorce?
Good Lord, for what?
Oh, for Maris'
Botox injections.
You know, they use
those botulinum toxins
and put it in the forehead,
and it deadens the muscles
and takes away the wrinkles.
I gave it to her as a gift
one year for our anniversary.
Oh, yes, probably
your tenth.
That's toxins,
isn't it?
Anyway, Karnofsky
keeps billing me
for her follow-up
injections.
Good Lord. So, you're
divorced, huh?
Yes.
Me, too. I'm Phil.
Hello.
14 years together.
Came home one day and...
Oh, hell, I probably shouldn't
even talk about it.
Okay.
You know, Niles,
seeing as how
we're here,
why don't you go
find this Karnofsky
and straighten the
whole thing out?
No, no, I can't
leave you here injured.
That's all right,
Niles, I'll be fine.
If you're sure...
I may just pay
Dr. Karnofsky a visit.
You know, it really
is outrageous
what these scalpel
jockeys get away with--
convincing women
like Maris
to spend fortunes
on their exterior
when frankly,
what they need
is to take a good look
at the woman inside.
Right. Well, she did have
one chemical peel
where you could see
her kidneys for a while.
That's very funny.
Off you go.
Good luck, Niles.
Thank you.
(sighing)
Not a pretty woman,
my wife, but
when she danced,
you couldn't keep
your eyes off her.
You know, actually,
I'm feeling a lot better.
Good-bye.
Frasier Crane.
Frasier Crane,
we're ready to see you.
That's me.
Ah, Dr. Karnofsky,
I see you've
finally decided
to make time for me.
Sorry. I'm from Records.
I was told to bring over
Maris Crane's files.
That's this year.
Dr. Crane?
NILES: Yes.
I'm so sorry
to keep you waiting.
Melinda Karnofsky.
Oh, uh... yes, of course.
Niles Crane.
Uh...
about this
billing issue...
(clears throat)
Oh. Oh, my God,
this box is filthy.
Uh, yes. The problem is
I have received
three invoices
over the past six months.
Yes. I'm so sorry
about that, and I...
I'm... so
sorry about...
(coughing):
all this dust.
Do you mind?
I'll have to turn
on my hepa filter.
Oh... you have
a hepa...
(gasping):
You have a Svenson!
Yes!
They're great,
aren't they?
Not to mention
impossible to get
in this country.
I've tried!
Well, I once did a favor
for Mrs. Svenson.
Oh, it's a
long story.
I'm all ears.
So was she.
Anyway,
I've spoken
to the accounting department
about your bill,
and it was clearly our mistake.
Please accept my apology.
We'll take care of it.
Oh. I-I appreciate that.
Bye-bye.
Thank you. Oh...
Ooh, I like that print
very much.
Hmm?
Everything all right?
I'm sorry. I just noticed
a smudge on my jacket.
Well, it's barely noticeable.
You're being kind.
I got that print
at the last museum show.
Oh! I thought
you looked familiar.
Uh, perhaps I've seen you there.
Oh, perhaps.
I go to all of the openings.
I'm-I'm on the museum board.
Really?
Well, congratulations.
All the exhibits
this year have been...
(sighing)
...perfection.
Thank you.
I, uh...
I-I particularly like
the Picasso.
I'm a big fan
of his-his cubist period.
Oh, striking,
isn't she?
Yes, I'd like to think
if she'd come in here,
I could actually have
helped her.
You must think
I'm terribly fussy.
(wistfully):
Yes.
Well, anyway, it was
very nice meeting you.
Oh, likewise.
(intercom buzzes)
WOMAN (over intercom):
Dr. Karnofsky,
Mrs. Maggarshack
has a question for you
in room three.
Helen Maggarshack?
Oh, I really
can't say.
Oh, right.
She's finally having it removed?
Why did she wait?
I don't know.
I found '98.
Uh, actually, that's
all been settled.
Uh, can you tell me...
do you know, is...
is that her husband?
No. She's divorced.
That's her son.
Really?
Dr. Karnofsky's so young,
she must have had him
when she was a child.
Okay.
Oh! Oh, is there... is
there something else?
Uh... no.
All right.
Uh, no.
Well...
MEL: Yes?
Mel, uh,
I was wondering, uh...
Ooh.
Oh.
(chuckling)
Uh, I, uh, uh...
This is a little awkward...
Oh, thank you. I, uh, uh...
I'm not really sure
how to ask... Uh...
I think I know what it is.
Uh-huh?
And you've got no reason
to be nervous.
Oh, really?
Yes.
Just a few quick
injections,
and those nasty little
wrinkles in your forehead,
they'll disappear.
Well, that is
what you were going to ask,
isn't it?
(laughing):
Yes.
Well, it's a very
simple procedure,
although your forehead
will be numb for a while.
I can fit you
in at, uh, 4:30.
Oh, good.
That gives me time
to do something I need to do.
Excellent.
(doorbell rings)
DAPHNE:
Hello, Dr. Crane.
NILES:
Hello, Daphne.
I was on my way home.
I thought I'd see
how the patient was doing.
Oh, I'm fine, thank you, Niles.
You have no idea
how guilty I'm feeling.
I suppose he told
you it was my fist
that struck the inadvertent
yet powerful blow.
So, how did things go
with the nefarious
Dr. Karnofsky?
Did you give him
a piece of your mind?
Actually,
"he" turned out to be a "she,"
and quite a reasonable "she"
at that.
Really? That's
quite a turnabout.
Yes, well...
Dr. Crane,
don't move. Why?
There's a mosquito.
Where?
On your forehead.
Oh, get off,
get off, get off.
It's already gone.
Oh.
Oh, dear, it looks
like it bit you.
Oh, right. Ow!
Niles, wrinkle your forehead
for me, will you?
Why would I do that?
Just do it.
Wrinkle your forehead.
I'm not
your marionette!
You got
a Botox injection!
You've got a forehead full
of poison right now, don't you?
I do not!
Oh, that's strange.
The mosquito fell right
out of the air dead.
What's a Botox
injection?
Oh, it's a cosmetic
procedure they use
to eliminate
facial wrinkles.
Oh, great, my kids are having
plastic surgery.
That's a nice age to get to.
I can't believe
you let Maris' witch doctor
work her magic on you.
Mel... is a perfectly
lovely person.
In fact, I was screwing up
my courage
to ask her out on a date
when she noticed
this little flaw,
and I lost my nerve.
Yes... and most of the feeling
in your face, as well.
Dr. Crane, look.
Your picture's on the news.
Turn it up, Dad,
turn it up.
After checking
into the hospital
with what appeared to be
minor injuries
from a fender bender,
radio psychiatrist Frasier Crane
died suddenly today.
I'm sure I speak
for all of us here at KYOL
when I say
he will be sorely missed.
But this rain won't be missed,
will it, Flip?!
Dear God!
What the hell?
That's unbelievable!
Outrageous!
As it turns out,
after I left the hospital,
some poor devil used
my name to jump the line
and he dropped dead
of a heart attack.
Oh.
I must say, it does feel
a bit strange
having plunged
all of Seattle--
albeit temporarily--
into so much grief.
I know I'll never forget
where I was
when I heard you had died.
I was out on
the street,
and there was this crowd
watching a television
through a department
store window... Mm-hmm.
and before I knew
it, we were weeping
and hugging each other...
That's very amusing, Roz.
And then it began to rain,
and I had this feeling
that all the angels were crying.
Yes, all right, Roz!
Hey, Roz.
Fras, did
you see this?
Yes, as a matter
of fact, I did.
It's my obituary.
They printed it?
Yes, they must have picked it up
off the wire last night
before the news ran
that correction.
MARTIN: Jimmy gave it to
me at McGinty's.
Boy, everybody
was so nice to me,
buying me beers
and everything,
you know, because of the shock
I went through,
thinking I'd lost my son.
Dad, what are you talking about?
You never thought I was dead.
Well, people don't have
to know that.
I mean, I could
have been at home
alone wondering where you were,
and I get this
strange, uneasy feeling,
so I turn on the TV,
and there it is...
on the screen:
the face of my dead son.
I was sitting
right beside you!
Well, what the hell kind of
story is that? It's the truth!
Well, the truth doesn't put
anything on a coaster.
Well, that's something
for your scrapbook, huh?
Your own obituary.
Yes, well...
you know, frankly, it's...
it's a little upsetting.
I don't think they meant
to be insulting.
You are "lovably pompous."
Well, no, it's not that.
Not that. It's just,
you know, seeing my life
in black and white.
It just all looks
a little... incomplete.
What do you mean?
Well, I was going to do
so much with my life.
I was going to write a novel
and run for public office.
I was going to do
my own translation of Freud.
Well, what's stopping you?
You're not actually dead.
I guess
you're right, Roz.
I'm not dead, am I?
You know,
maybe that's a good way
of looking at this, actually.
More of a-a wake-up call.
Dr. Crane, I
was so relieved
to hear that you
were all right.
Oh, thank you.
I heard the news
and I thought, "What a shame.
Why, he is such a young man."
That's so nice of you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
God, you know,
you're right.
What am I doing
frittering away my day here
in this coffee house?
You know what?
I've got things to do.
I've got fresh worlds
to conquer.
I'm going to go out there
and grab life by the scruff.
Look out, destiny, here I come.
(thunder rumbling)
Oh, well, it's
really coming down out there.
DAPHNE: What happened
to your clothes?
Did you spill something
on yourself?
Oh, no, no.
I'm-I'm going jogging later.
No need to be sarcastic.
Just give me the clothes,
and I'll do another load.
No, I'm serious, Daphne.
I plan to go running
just after I finish
my obituary.
You see,
it's a self-actualizing
exercise.
You see, you write your obituary
the way you'd like it to appear
years from now,
of course,
and then it helps you
to focus your goals.
You see, here they are--
all my hopes and dreams.
These are dreams,
all right.
(laughs)
"Dr. Crane came
late to athletics.
"He became a fixture
in the Seattle marathon,
"the America's
Cup Yacht Race
as well as the
Kentucky Derby."
(laughing)
A jockey at your size?
You better start writing
an obituary for the horse.
Very amusing, Daphne.
I meant as a stable owner.
Hey, Fras,
what'd you do,
spill something
on your clothes?
No, no, I'm going jogging later.
Well, there's no need
to get sarcastic about it.
I'm serious, Dad.
I mean, I have
to start somewhere
if I plan to run
a marathon.
Oh! We got a new basket?
Hickory Farms.
Yeah, that one came
this afternoon.
Dad, we agreed
we were going to send back
all the condolence baskets
intact.
Yeah, I know, I know...
but, you know,
if a can of pecans falls out
here and there,
who's going to notice?
Oh, by the way,
guess who I ran into?
That friend of yours
from next door, Regan.
Really?
MARTIN: Yeah.
You know, she was
pretty relieved
to hear you weren't dead.
I don't know, maybe there's
still something going on there.
Oh, I don't know, Dad.
I'd like to believe that,
but I'm just too much
of a realist.
(doorbell rings) Tell that
to the two million people a year
who visit
Frasierland.
(laughs)
FRASIER:
It's a Web site.
It teaches children
about psychiatry.
Hey, Dad, I can't stay.
I just realized
I think I left my cell phone
here last night.
Oh, yeah, I did
see it somewhere.
Let's have a look.
Hey, why are you
wearing running clothes?
He won't tell us.
DAPHNE:
Oh, here it is.
It was buried back here
underneath all these baskets.
Oh, Daph, look what you did!
Rooting around in there,
you poked a hole
right through this
Hickory Farms basket!
We can't send it back now.
Thank you, Daphne.
FRASIER:
Niles?
Yeah.
Is that a bandage
sticking out of your shirt?
Oh, where?
Well, right there.
Oh, yes.
I-I cut myself shaving.
What, on the back of your neck?
You went to see Karnofsky again,
didn't you?
Yes, I did.
I... I was going
to ask her out again,
but I-I got all flustered
when I... I caught her staring
at this grotesque carbuncle.
Carbuncle? You mean that
minuscule mole of yours?
Well, to you.
I-I've always been
self-conscious about it.
I've made many
a hasty wine selection
because I felt the sommelier
staring down...
Oh, Niles, please.
Why don't you just
knock this off?
Isn't it time you just
asked the woman out?
Frasier, I-I'm-I'm just waiting
until the moment's right.
Like you did with Daphne?
Oh, Niles,
I am sorry.
It's just that...
I'd like to see you do this
while I can still pick you
out of a crowd.
You know, I've
got tickets
for the opera tonight.
Why don't you ask her
to join you?
Oh, I don't know.
FRASIER:
Oh, come on.
Take a cue from me.
I am completely
reinventing myself.
You know what--
if I can learn a new language
and-and climb mountains
and write a best-seller,
well, then surely you can ask
this woman out.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a marathon
to train for.
Oh!
Are you all
right, Fras?
FRASIER:
I'm fine.
Wh-what happened?
Well, I think he tripped
on one of these baskets.
Well, did you
break anything?
FRASIER:
I don't think so.
Because, you know,
if you broke it,
there's no point in sending
this one back, either.
Oh, dear God.
(chuckling):
Hey, look at you.
Oh, they gave you a sweet one.
All shiny,
no scuffs.
Still has
that new cane smell.
If you play
your cards right,
I might let you take
it for a spin around the lobby,
all right?
So, what'd they say?
Oh, just a little sprain.
It's going to take
a couple of weeks.
You know, I guess I'm going
to have to rethink
my life's plan a bit.
Oh, you're going to be doing
all this stuff?
Well, of course, Dad.
Why wouldn't I?
Oh, I don't know, it just seems
all so complicated.
The first one you tried
was kind of a bust.
Yes, all right.
Well, you know what?
I've just got to scale
things back a little bit,
set my sights
on more attainable goals.
Well, for instance,
here.
"Visit South America."
That's in.
"Discover the lost treasure
of the Incas."
That's out.
"Take up rafting."
That's in.
"Retrace Lewis
and Clark's route."
That's out.
And this
perpetual motion stuff--
all this can go.
(doorbell rings)
Daphne!
Oh, no, she's out
for the whole evening.
You're going to have
to get it yourself.
Oh, all right.
Come on, let's see
how that thing
handles the corners.
Come on,
open her up!
(laughing)
Oh...
Oh!
Frasier, I'd like you to meet
Dr. Mel Karnofsky.
Well, I can't tell you
what a pleasure this is.
Hello.
NILES:
I believe you have
some opera tickets
for us?
FRASIER:
Yes, I do.
Oh, uh, Mel, this is
my father, Martin.
MEL:
Oh, hello.
Hi. How are you?
FRASIER: Here we are.
Oh, thank you.
We're very grateful for this.
Niles and I happen to be
such huge fans of Puccini.
Speaking
of which,
here's our own
little pooch-ini.
Oh, well!
Oh, well!
You're a darling! Yes!
Oh, he's wonderful.
Yes.
Oh...
So, where are you
two having dinner?
Bel Canto.
We have a table
on the terrace.
The terrace?
Well, I didn't know
they had a terrace.
Really? Oh, well, I guess
you have to know the owner.
But we'd better be going.
I've pre-ordered
our chocolate soufflés,
and they'll be ready
at 7:30 precisely.
FRASIER: Well, off
you go, then.
Just remember, Niles,
nothing puts
on love handles
faster than
chocolate soufflé.
Oh, well, you know,
no one takes them off
faster than I do.
That's... that's very funny.
Lovely meeting you.
Well, she seems a bit much.
What do you mean?
Well, you know,
picking the restaurant,
dining on the terrace.
"You have to know the owner."
Doesn't she remind you
of someone?
Yeah. You.
I was talking about Maris.
MARTIN:
Oh, come on.
Don't you think
you're overreacting
a little bit?
I mean, Niles
sure seems happy.
Oh, I guess
you're right, Dad.
Besides, I've got a lot
to accomplish
this evening.
I'm going to start
on my Russian language tapes.
(chuckles)
What? What is it, Dad?
What? Nothing.
What? Don't you think
I can do any of these things?
No, I think you can do anything
you put your mind to, Frasier.
You always have.
Thank you, Dad.
I just wonder about
all these projects.
Well, as I said,
I am streamlining.
You know, I think
what you discovered this week
was that something's missing
from your life,
and before you
start to fill it up
with everything but
the kitchen sink,
I thought you ought
to just ask yourself,
"What do I really want?
What is really going to make
me happy... now?"
Well, that's weird.
I suddenly feel
like having a beer.
Regan, it's me, Frasier.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues
a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪
(laughing)
♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Good night!
how cold it is in here.
Niles, the climate
control is on.
It's perfectly
comfortable.
Oh, really?
Touch your tongue
to the seat belt.
I dare you.
I'm starting to regret
I even asked you to this exhibit.
I wanted to
invite Regan,
but after the disaster I made
of our first date,
I just felt too ashamed
to even ask.
Well, you can't avoid her
forever.
She's your neighbor.
Ask her again.
What's the worst thing
that could happen?
She'd ask me
to stop harassing her,
which means I'd have to spend
the next six months
riding in the service elevator
with Guillermo
and his three-legged cat.
How is little Wobbles?
Fine.
I see what you're
doing, Niles!
Listen, if you're so cold,
there is a scarf
in the glove compartment.
Oh, really? I thought
that's where you kept
the butter and the eggs.
Well, now it's
burning up in here!
Oh... I'm just going to
take this thing off.
Are you insane?
No.
Well, at least wait
until we've stopped.
You're going
to get us killed!
Take the wheel.
I'll take the wheel, but...
Frasier, stop.
No. It's almost off.
No, I mean brake! Brake!
Are you all right?
Yes.
Thank heaven your
fist softened
the blow of
the airbag.
Hurt your nose?
Yes.
That's what I figured.
Right when you
came in, I said,
"That guy hurt
his nose."
So how did you,
uh, you know...?
Excuse me.
Yes, hello, this is, uh,
Dr. Frasier Crane here.
I was just wondering...
I filled out my paperwork
about half an hour ago.
They'll call you.
We're seeing people
in order of importance.
Oh, really? Well, you know,
I do have my own radio show.
The importance of the injury.
Yes, of course.
Do you know-- are there
any plastic surgeons on call?
Oh, Niles, that's not necessary.
You can't be
too careful.
It could be broken.
Don't worry-- the best
plastic surgeons in town
have their offices here:
Dr. Rabb,
Dr. Karnofsky
and Dr. Burke.
Karnofsky? Mel Karnofsky?
That's right.
Maris' plastic surgeon.
Oh.
Would you believe
that charlatan
is still picking my pocket
a year after my divorce?
Good Lord, for what?
Oh, for Maris'
Botox injections.
You know, they use
those botulinum toxins
and put it in the forehead,
and it deadens the muscles
and takes away the wrinkles.
I gave it to her as a gift
one year for our anniversary.
Oh, yes, probably
your tenth.
That's toxins,
isn't it?
Anyway, Karnofsky
keeps billing me
for her follow-up
injections.
Good Lord. So, you're
divorced, huh?
Yes.
Me, too. I'm Phil.
Hello.
14 years together.
Came home one day and...
Oh, hell, I probably shouldn't
even talk about it.
Okay.
You know, Niles,
seeing as how
we're here,
why don't you go
find this Karnofsky
and straighten the
whole thing out?
No, no, I can't
leave you here injured.
That's all right,
Niles, I'll be fine.
If you're sure...
I may just pay
Dr. Karnofsky a visit.
You know, it really
is outrageous
what these scalpel
jockeys get away with--
convincing women
like Maris
to spend fortunes
on their exterior
when frankly,
what they need
is to take a good look
at the woman inside.
Right. Well, she did have
one chemical peel
where you could see
her kidneys for a while.
That's very funny.
Off you go.
Good luck, Niles.
Thank you.
(sighing)
Not a pretty woman,
my wife, but
when she danced,
you couldn't keep
your eyes off her.
You know, actually,
I'm feeling a lot better.
Good-bye.
Frasier Crane.
Frasier Crane,
we're ready to see you.
That's me.
Ah, Dr. Karnofsky,
I see you've
finally decided
to make time for me.
Sorry. I'm from Records.
I was told to bring over
Maris Crane's files.
That's this year.
Dr. Crane?
NILES: Yes.
I'm so sorry
to keep you waiting.
Melinda Karnofsky.
Oh, uh... yes, of course.
Niles Crane.
Uh...
about this
billing issue...
(clears throat)
Oh. Oh, my God,
this box is filthy.
Uh, yes. The problem is
I have received
three invoices
over the past six months.
Yes. I'm so sorry
about that, and I...
I'm... so
sorry about...
(coughing):
all this dust.
Do you mind?
I'll have to turn
on my hepa filter.
Oh... you have
a hepa...
(gasping):
You have a Svenson!
Yes!
They're great,
aren't they?
Not to mention
impossible to get
in this country.
I've tried!
Well, I once did a favor
for Mrs. Svenson.
Oh, it's a
long story.
I'm all ears.
So was she.
Anyway,
I've spoken
to the accounting department
about your bill,
and it was clearly our mistake.
Please accept my apology.
We'll take care of it.
Oh. I-I appreciate that.
Bye-bye.
Thank you. Oh...
Ooh, I like that print
very much.
Hmm?
Everything all right?
I'm sorry. I just noticed
a smudge on my jacket.
Well, it's barely noticeable.
You're being kind.
I got that print
at the last museum show.
Oh! I thought
you looked familiar.
Uh, perhaps I've seen you there.
Oh, perhaps.
I go to all of the openings.
I'm-I'm on the museum board.
Really?
Well, congratulations.
All the exhibits
this year have been...
(sighing)
...perfection.
Thank you.
I, uh...
I-I particularly like
the Picasso.
I'm a big fan
of his-his cubist period.
Oh, striking,
isn't she?
Yes, I'd like to think
if she'd come in here,
I could actually have
helped her.
You must think
I'm terribly fussy.
(wistfully):
Yes.
Well, anyway, it was
very nice meeting you.
Oh, likewise.
(intercom buzzes)
WOMAN (over intercom):
Dr. Karnofsky,
Mrs. Maggarshack
has a question for you
in room three.
Helen Maggarshack?
Oh, I really
can't say.
Oh, right.
She's finally having it removed?
Why did she wait?
I don't know.
I found '98.
Uh, actually, that's
all been settled.
Uh, can you tell me...
do you know, is...
is that her husband?
No. She's divorced.
That's her son.
Really?
Dr. Karnofsky's so young,
she must have had him
when she was a child.
Okay.
Oh! Oh, is there... is
there something else?
Uh... no.
All right.
Uh, no.
Well...
MEL: Yes?
Mel, uh,
I was wondering, uh...
Ooh.
Oh.
(chuckling)
Uh, I, uh, uh...
This is a little awkward...
Oh, thank you. I, uh, uh...
I'm not really sure
how to ask... Uh...
I think I know what it is.
Uh-huh?
And you've got no reason
to be nervous.
Oh, really?
Yes.
Just a few quick
injections,
and those nasty little
wrinkles in your forehead,
they'll disappear.
Well, that is
what you were going to ask,
isn't it?
(laughing):
Yes.
Well, it's a very
simple procedure,
although your forehead
will be numb for a while.
I can fit you
in at, uh, 4:30.
Oh, good.
That gives me time
to do something I need to do.
Excellent.
(doorbell rings)
DAPHNE:
Hello, Dr. Crane.
NILES:
Hello, Daphne.
I was on my way home.
I thought I'd see
how the patient was doing.
Oh, I'm fine, thank you, Niles.
You have no idea
how guilty I'm feeling.
I suppose he told
you it was my fist
that struck the inadvertent
yet powerful blow.
So, how did things go
with the nefarious
Dr. Karnofsky?
Did you give him
a piece of your mind?
Actually,
"he" turned out to be a "she,"
and quite a reasonable "she"
at that.
Really? That's
quite a turnabout.
Yes, well...
Dr. Crane,
don't move. Why?
There's a mosquito.
Where?
On your forehead.
Oh, get off,
get off, get off.
It's already gone.
Oh.
Oh, dear, it looks
like it bit you.
Oh, right. Ow!
Niles, wrinkle your forehead
for me, will you?
Why would I do that?
Just do it.
Wrinkle your forehead.
I'm not
your marionette!
You got
a Botox injection!
You've got a forehead full
of poison right now, don't you?
I do not!
Oh, that's strange.
The mosquito fell right
out of the air dead.
What's a Botox
injection?
Oh, it's a cosmetic
procedure they use
to eliminate
facial wrinkles.
Oh, great, my kids are having
plastic surgery.
That's a nice age to get to.
I can't believe
you let Maris' witch doctor
work her magic on you.
Mel... is a perfectly
lovely person.
In fact, I was screwing up
my courage
to ask her out on a date
when she noticed
this little flaw,
and I lost my nerve.
Yes... and most of the feeling
in your face, as well.
Dr. Crane, look.
Your picture's on the news.
Turn it up, Dad,
turn it up.
After checking
into the hospital
with what appeared to be
minor injuries
from a fender bender,
radio psychiatrist Frasier Crane
died suddenly today.
I'm sure I speak
for all of us here at KYOL
when I say
he will be sorely missed.
But this rain won't be missed,
will it, Flip?!
Dear God!
What the hell?
That's unbelievable!
Outrageous!
As it turns out,
after I left the hospital,
some poor devil used
my name to jump the line
and he dropped dead
of a heart attack.
Oh.
I must say, it does feel
a bit strange
having plunged
all of Seattle--
albeit temporarily--
into so much grief.
I know I'll never forget
where I was
when I heard you had died.
I was out on
the street,
and there was this crowd
watching a television
through a department
store window... Mm-hmm.
and before I knew
it, we were weeping
and hugging each other...
That's very amusing, Roz.
And then it began to rain,
and I had this feeling
that all the angels were crying.
Yes, all right, Roz!
Hey, Roz.
Fras, did
you see this?
Yes, as a matter
of fact, I did.
It's my obituary.
They printed it?
Yes, they must have picked it up
off the wire last night
before the news ran
that correction.
MARTIN: Jimmy gave it to
me at McGinty's.
Boy, everybody
was so nice to me,
buying me beers
and everything,
you know, because of the shock
I went through,
thinking I'd lost my son.
Dad, what are you talking about?
You never thought I was dead.
Well, people don't have
to know that.
I mean, I could
have been at home
alone wondering where you were,
and I get this
strange, uneasy feeling,
so I turn on the TV,
and there it is...
on the screen:
the face of my dead son.
I was sitting
right beside you!
Well, what the hell kind of
story is that? It's the truth!
Well, the truth doesn't put
anything on a coaster.
Well, that's something
for your scrapbook, huh?
Your own obituary.
Yes, well...
you know, frankly, it's...
it's a little upsetting.
I don't think they meant
to be insulting.
You are "lovably pompous."
Well, no, it's not that.
Not that. It's just,
you know, seeing my life
in black and white.
It just all looks
a little... incomplete.
What do you mean?
Well, I was going to do
so much with my life.
I was going to write a novel
and run for public office.
I was going to do
my own translation of Freud.
Well, what's stopping you?
You're not actually dead.
I guess
you're right, Roz.
I'm not dead, am I?
You know,
maybe that's a good way
of looking at this, actually.
More of a-a wake-up call.
Dr. Crane, I
was so relieved
to hear that you
were all right.
Oh, thank you.
I heard the news
and I thought, "What a shame.
Why, he is such a young man."
That's so nice of you.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
God, you know,
you're right.
What am I doing
frittering away my day here
in this coffee house?
You know what?
I've got things to do.
I've got fresh worlds
to conquer.
I'm going to go out there
and grab life by the scruff.
Look out, destiny, here I come.
(thunder rumbling)
Oh, well, it's
really coming down out there.
DAPHNE: What happened
to your clothes?
Did you spill something
on yourself?
Oh, no, no.
I'm-I'm going jogging later.
No need to be sarcastic.
Just give me the clothes,
and I'll do another load.
No, I'm serious, Daphne.
I plan to go running
just after I finish
my obituary.
You see,
it's a self-actualizing
exercise.
You see, you write your obituary
the way you'd like it to appear
years from now,
of course,
and then it helps you
to focus your goals.
You see, here they are--
all my hopes and dreams.
These are dreams,
all right.
(laughs)
"Dr. Crane came
late to athletics.
"He became a fixture
in the Seattle marathon,
"the America's
Cup Yacht Race
as well as the
Kentucky Derby."
(laughing)
A jockey at your size?
You better start writing
an obituary for the horse.
Very amusing, Daphne.
I meant as a stable owner.
Hey, Fras,
what'd you do,
spill something
on your clothes?
No, no, I'm going jogging later.
Well, there's no need
to get sarcastic about it.
I'm serious, Dad.
I mean, I have
to start somewhere
if I plan to run
a marathon.
Oh! We got a new basket?
Hickory Farms.
Yeah, that one came
this afternoon.
Dad, we agreed
we were going to send back
all the condolence baskets
intact.
Yeah, I know, I know...
but, you know,
if a can of pecans falls out
here and there,
who's going to notice?
Oh, by the way,
guess who I ran into?
That friend of yours
from next door, Regan.
Really?
MARTIN: Yeah.
You know, she was
pretty relieved
to hear you weren't dead.
I don't know, maybe there's
still something going on there.
Oh, I don't know, Dad.
I'd like to believe that,
but I'm just too much
of a realist.
(doorbell rings) Tell that
to the two million people a year
who visit
Frasierland.
(laughs)
FRASIER:
It's a Web site.
It teaches children
about psychiatry.
Hey, Dad, I can't stay.
I just realized
I think I left my cell phone
here last night.
Oh, yeah, I did
see it somewhere.
Let's have a look.
Hey, why are you
wearing running clothes?
He won't tell us.
DAPHNE:
Oh, here it is.
It was buried back here
underneath all these baskets.
Oh, Daph, look what you did!
Rooting around in there,
you poked a hole
right through this
Hickory Farms basket!
We can't send it back now.
Thank you, Daphne.
FRASIER:
Niles?
Yeah.
Is that a bandage
sticking out of your shirt?
Oh, where?
Well, right there.
Oh, yes.
I-I cut myself shaving.
What, on the back of your neck?
You went to see Karnofsky again,
didn't you?
Yes, I did.
I... I was going
to ask her out again,
but I-I got all flustered
when I... I caught her staring
at this grotesque carbuncle.
Carbuncle? You mean that
minuscule mole of yours?
Well, to you.
I-I've always been
self-conscious about it.
I've made many
a hasty wine selection
because I felt the sommelier
staring down...
Oh, Niles, please.
Why don't you just
knock this off?
Isn't it time you just
asked the woman out?
Frasier, I-I'm-I'm just waiting
until the moment's right.
Like you did with Daphne?
Oh, Niles,
I am sorry.
It's just that...
I'd like to see you do this
while I can still pick you
out of a crowd.
You know, I've
got tickets
for the opera tonight.
Why don't you ask her
to join you?
Oh, I don't know.
FRASIER:
Oh, come on.
Take a cue from me.
I am completely
reinventing myself.
You know what--
if I can learn a new language
and-and climb mountains
and write a best-seller,
well, then surely you can ask
this woman out.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a marathon
to train for.
Oh!
Are you all
right, Fras?
FRASIER:
I'm fine.
Wh-what happened?
Well, I think he tripped
on one of these baskets.
Well, did you
break anything?
FRASIER:
I don't think so.
Because, you know,
if you broke it,
there's no point in sending
this one back, either.
Oh, dear God.
(chuckling):
Hey, look at you.
Oh, they gave you a sweet one.
All shiny,
no scuffs.
Still has
that new cane smell.
If you play
your cards right,
I might let you take
it for a spin around the lobby,
all right?
So, what'd they say?
Oh, just a little sprain.
It's going to take
a couple of weeks.
You know, I guess I'm going
to have to rethink
my life's plan a bit.
Oh, you're going to be doing
all this stuff?
Well, of course, Dad.
Why wouldn't I?
Oh, I don't know, it just seems
all so complicated.
The first one you tried
was kind of a bust.
Yes, all right.
Well, you know what?
I've just got to scale
things back a little bit,
set my sights
on more attainable goals.
Well, for instance,
here.
"Visit South America."
That's in.
"Discover the lost treasure
of the Incas."
That's out.
"Take up rafting."
That's in.
"Retrace Lewis
and Clark's route."
That's out.
And this
perpetual motion stuff--
all this can go.
(doorbell rings)
Daphne!
Oh, no, she's out
for the whole evening.
You're going to have
to get it yourself.
Oh, all right.
Come on, let's see
how that thing
handles the corners.
Come on,
open her up!
(laughing)
Oh...
Oh!
Frasier, I'd like you to meet
Dr. Mel Karnofsky.
Well, I can't tell you
what a pleasure this is.
Hello.
NILES:
I believe you have
some opera tickets
for us?
FRASIER:
Yes, I do.
Oh, uh, Mel, this is
my father, Martin.
MEL:
Oh, hello.
Hi. How are you?
FRASIER: Here we are.
Oh, thank you.
We're very grateful for this.
Niles and I happen to be
such huge fans of Puccini.
Speaking
of which,
here's our own
little pooch-ini.
Oh, well!
Oh, well!
You're a darling! Yes!
Oh, he's wonderful.
Yes.
Oh...
So, where are you
two having dinner?
Bel Canto.
We have a table
on the terrace.
The terrace?
Well, I didn't know
they had a terrace.
Really? Oh, well, I guess
you have to know the owner.
But we'd better be going.
I've pre-ordered
our chocolate soufflés,
and they'll be ready
at 7:30 precisely.
FRASIER: Well, off
you go, then.
Just remember, Niles,
nothing puts
on love handles
faster than
chocolate soufflé.
Oh, well, you know,
no one takes them off
faster than I do.
That's... that's very funny.
Lovely meeting you.
Well, she seems a bit much.
What do you mean?
Well, you know,
picking the restaurant,
dining on the terrace.
"You have to know the owner."
Doesn't she remind you
of someone?
Yeah. You.
I was talking about Maris.
MARTIN:
Oh, come on.
Don't you think
you're overreacting
a little bit?
I mean, Niles
sure seems happy.
Oh, I guess
you're right, Dad.
Besides, I've got a lot
to accomplish
this evening.
I'm going to start
on my Russian language tapes.
(chuckles)
What? What is it, Dad?
What? Nothing.
What? Don't you think
I can do any of these things?
No, I think you can do anything
you put your mind to, Frasier.
You always have.
Thank you, Dad.
I just wonder about
all these projects.
Well, as I said,
I am streamlining.
You know, I think
what you discovered this week
was that something's missing
from your life,
and before you
start to fill it up
with everything but
the kitchen sink,
I thought you ought
to just ask yourself,
"What do I really want?
What is really going to make
me happy... now?"
Well, that's weird.
I suddenly feel
like having a beer.
Regan, it's me, Frasier.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues
a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪
(laughing)
♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Good night!