Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 7 - A Tsar Is Born - full transcript
The rift between Martin and his sons' tastes is bridged when they find they are all fans of "The Antique Roadshow." The boys have a great time watching it on TV, and when the Roadshow comes to Seattle, they all go. Martin takes along an old family heirloom, a rather ugly pewter clock. Frasier and Niles are stunned to hear that it was originally made for the Romanovs (the Russian royal dynasty). Believing the clock is a link to their own royal blood, Frasier and Niles launch an investigation into its origins.
Hello, Roz.
Hey.
So, what are
you up to?
Oh, they put in phone jacks
so you can go on line.
I was just talking to this guy
who sounds really great.
(sighs)
What?
I'm a very busy person.
How else am I going
to meet people?
Just seems so
impersonal, Roz.
I mean, my God, what ever
happened to human contact?
Engaging people
face-to-face, eye-to-eye.
There's your Dad.
Oh, don't let
him see me.
Hey, Martin.
Hey, Roz.
Hi.
What you been up to?
Oh, just
surfing the Net.
Hi, Dad. You know,
I never got
into that Net stuff.
ROZ:
Really?
You really ought
to give it a try.
It's a great way
to keep in touch
with your friends
and your family.
Family?
Gosh, you know,
that's nice to know
that some people still
care about their family.
Dad, please?
Well, I got to go.
I'm going night fishing
with Duke and Eddie, of course.
You know,
I wouldn't leave Eddie.
You don't turn
your back on your family.
What is that all about?
Oh, our Cousin Dodie's
wedding was last week.
Oh, excuse me--
Cousin Dodie's weddin'.
It's a Western theme.
On the response card, it asked
for our chili preference--
mild or kick-ass-- oh.
Anyway, Niles and I told her
that we had a conference
to attend
at the Therapists' Guild.
There is no
Therapists' Guild, is there?
No.
Dad found us out.
Wait.
Didn't you have
a "Therapist's Guild" conference
on Alice's last birthday?
The point is,
it struck a nerve with Dad.
Sorry, Roz, it's
just that, you know.
he thinks we're ashamed
of his family.
It's been an issue
with him for years.
Now he hasn't spoken
to me for days.
Oh, thank God, I don't have
to deal with this tonight.
I've already earmarked a fine
bottle of Chateau Beychevelle.
Ah, hot date?
(chuckling)
No, no. Niles is coming over
to watch
The Antiques Roadshow with me.
I guess you'll be coming in
late tomorrow.
It's our favorite
show, Roz.
Party. Whee!
All right, stop it.
That's enough.
Oh, I think
the Roadshow
is from Harrisburg,
Pennsylvania, tonight--
Amish country.
Ooh, quilts.
I'll uncork
the wine, Niles.
You set out
the cheesecake.
Dad.
Dad.
Uh, I thought you were
going night fishing with Duke.
You can't keep this
up forever, Dad.
Well, all right, fine;
I hope you don't mind
but Niles and I are
planning on watching
a television show.
Oh, really?
Well, I'm surprised
you don't have
a conference to go to.
Dad, we said
we were sorry
about Dodie's wedding.
Yes, and we did send her
a baby gift.
Well, Duke canceled out on me.
You can have the TV
in an hour.
I just want to watch
my game show.
(groans)
Dad, please, not a game show.
I happen to like it, all right?
People bring in all their junk
from their attics,
and these experts
tell them what it's worth.
Are you talking
about The Antiques Roadshow?
Yeah.
Well, that's
the program
Niles and I are
going to watch.
I'll just check outside
and see if the world
has ended.
Well, if you want to watch it,
no one's stopping you.
Oh. Wonderful.
(chuckles)
APPRAISER:
And you have no idea
what this writing desk
might be worth?
WOMAN: No. My husband
bought it at a garage sale.
Ooh, that's a lovely piece.
I'd say it's Sheraton.
APPRAISER: At auction,
this would bring in more than $8,000.
Whoa! Ka-ching!
WOMAN:
What about this chair?
Is it an original, too?
Oh, it certainly
looks it.
Nah, nah, they
always do this--
set them up on the first one
and then lower the boom
on the second one.
I think that carving looks
authentic. So does the inlay.
No, no, no.
APPRAISER:
I'm sorry to say
this chair is a reproduction
worth at best $150.
WOMAN:
Oh, what a shame.
Keep watching, boys;
you'll get the hang of it.
WOMAN: Well, I guess
we still have the desk.
APPRAISER: The real clue here
is the veneer.
Veneer. Veneer!
Veneer.
HOST: And now for some
background information
on the beautiful city
of Harrisburg.
Mute!
(laughing)
Evening, all.
Oh, hi, Daphne.
Hi. Hi, Daphne.
Wow. Don't see
the three of you
watching the same
show very often.
What's going on?
Pavarotti
jumping the Grand Canyon?
It's The Antiques
Roadshow.
So what you
got in the box?
Oh, it's Donny's mother's
wedding gown.
He wants me to wear it
at our wedding.
What if I don't like it?
Daphne, if you try it on,
we'd be glad to have a look.
Just go put it on.
Oh, Dad!
Dad, turn it up.
SARA BRIGGS:
But the real masterwork
is this unique
art deco headboard.
It features a variety
of veneers.
Veneer. Veneer!
Veneer.
Mahogany veneer...
Veneer! Veneer.
Veneer.
...burled walnut veneer...
Veneer. Veneer!
Veneer.
...and zebrawood veneer.
Veneer. Veneer!
Veneer.
Oh, God.
Next week we got to pick
a different word.
You know what?
I need another
bottle of wine.
Yeah, me, too.
I love these educational shows.
You know, I can't
get over Dad.
It seems that
this little rift
between us
has been mended.
Oh, can you believe
he used the word
"craftsman,"
and he meant the
architectural style
and not the
rotary sander?
You know, that's uncanny.
Well, you heard him.
No, no, not that.
You just said
"rotary sander."
Dad, did we miss anything?
Nah, just some bozo
with a credenza
who doesn't know a Biedermeier
from an Oscar Meyer.
ANNOUNCER:
That's it for this week.
See you next time
on The Antiques Roadshow.
Next Saturday, the Roadshow
will be here in Seattle.
Whoa! Viewers can bring
their treasures
to the Convention Center
for a free appraisal.
We ought to go.
That'd be great.
Well, sure, Dad.
Does sounds like fun.
Yeah. You know, I'm going to go
have a little root around
in my closet.
I'll bet I can find a nice
little objet d'art
they'll be interested in.
It's as if that panhandler
I gave money to
was a genie granting
all my wishes.
Would you marry me in this?
(whispering):
How much did you give him?
It-it's attractive,
Daphne.
It's a bit unorthodox.
Yeah, that's
what I think.
Donny, I've just put
your mum's wedding dress on.
A miniskirt?!
It's obscene. You can see...
What?
No, I took
the green box.
(laughing):
Oh...
No problem, then. Bye.
I took the wrong dress.
This is from his mother's third
marriage in 1968 in Las Vegas.
(laughing heartily)
Oh, can you believe
people actually
used to dress like this?
I wish I had
a picture of it
for whenever
I needed a laugh.
Niles.
MARTIN: This bear clock's been
in the family for generations.
I can't wait to
see what it's worth.
Do you think they'll put
a dollar figure on it?
That sounds about right.
Very funny.
But you know your grandpa
passed this down to me,
and someday when I'm gone,
it'll be passed on to you.
Dad, please, I don't even want
to think about that day.
You know, I
got to go see
if I can get this baby appraised.
All right.
Oh, I am so sorry,
but on the way in,
I had the most amazing
celebrity sighting.
Hans Dietrich.
The love seat expert.
The very same.
Oh! You know, he's
much smaller
in person than on television.
He's that big.
Get out.
Yes.
Hey, boys, come over here.
They want to put me
and the clock on TV.
Good Lord,
we can't appear on TV
with that hideous thing.
Everyone we know
watches this program.
Well, thank God,
he didn't bring along
that dreadful mounted
jackrabbit's head
with the antelope horns.
Oh, yes, the jackalope--
Texas's answer to the Minotaur.
(groans)
So, what do you think
about that, boys?
They said they've never seen
anything like it.
Well, Dad, you know,
this could go either way.
Oh, I know.
Don't worry about it.
I'm not going to act
like one of those saps
I always make fun of.
Doesn't matter if it's worth
two dollars or $2,000.
I'm just going to say,
"That's pretty much
what I figured."
Tape's rolling.
Oh.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, okay, okay.
Uh, guys, uh, which one of you
wants to come and hold it?
No, no, Dad, we
wouldn't dream of it.
This is your moment.
WOMAN:
Everybody ready?
Action.
So, Martin,
what can you tell us
about this pewter clock?
Well, it is a clock
set in the stomach
of what appears
to be a bear.
APPRAISER: Actually, it's
much more than that.
It's Russian, made
in the mid-19th century.
That's pretty much
what I figured.
Actually,
it's a stunning piece.
It was made
by Andrei Kuragin
who worked
for Tsar Alexander II.
That is pretty much
what I figured.
I don't know
if you're descended
from the Romanoffs,
Martin,
but all of Kuragin's
known bear clocks
were done exclusively
for the Romanoff family
and are now
in the Hermitage Museum
in St. Petersburg.
Martin,
you may be surprised to learn
that this clock, at auction,
would easily bring $25,000.
Ka-ching!
(laughing)
Oh.
What he means is
that's pretty much
what we figured.
FRASIER:
After you, Dad.
Thank you.
(chuckles)
Gosh, Dad, you know,
I've been thinking.
Maybe we'll have to find
an appropriate place
for the clock.
How about right here
on this console, hmm?
Oh, yes. I get it.
Doesn't look quite
so bad to you guys
now that you know it's
worth 25 grand, huh?
Oh, I could kick myself
for not bringing
that jackalope.
Quite an amazing day, eh?
(chuckling):
It certainly was.
You know, Niles,
I've been meaning
to ask you about something,
actually.
You remember that appraiser
said something about
the bear being from Russia
and Dad being part of
the Romanoff family?
Yeah, yeah. You know,
that struck my ear, too.
Yes, yes.
Course, I don't
seriously believe
there's any real
chance of that.
No, no, of course not.
No, no.
It's a long shot, at best.
It's impossible.
Although we do
have the bear.
I know.
Oh, Dad.
Niles just reminded me
of something
I'd completely forgotten.
Um...
When the appraiser mentioned
that the bear was from Russia...
Oh, yeah, well,
it probably got passed down
through your
great-great-grandmother.
She was from Russia.
Aha!
And he said something about
the, um, Romanoff family?
Oh, yeah, that, huh?
Sure you want
to hear about this?
Yes, Dad.
Well, I guess you would've
found out anyway
after I died.
We're royalty.
But I didn't want you
to grow up spoiled,
so I abdicated and took a job
in Seattle on the police force.
It was kind of
hard giving up
that royal
way of life,
but I think
maybe it's the swans
that I miss most.
Very funny, Dad.
Point taken.
Sherry, Niles?
Please.
Sorry to disappoint you.
I know you'd rather be
anything in the world
except Cranes.
Oh, Dad!
Now, that is just not true.
We are proud to be Cranes.
It was just...
innocent curiosity.
Well, I got to go call Duke.
But don't get excited.
He's not a real duke.
Well...
we stepped in it that time.
Yes.
What the hell
is wrong with us?
Asking whether or not
we're related to the Romanoffs
and we'd just
gotten past
this whole "Crane
shame" thing.
We should've known
it would just upset him.
Yes, and for what?
Trying to find some
distant connection
to royalty.
Even if we could prove it,
what do we have?
Story to tell at parties.
Occasional seat
at a state dinner.
Some meaningless title.
(chuckles)
It's insane.
Ridiculous.
Destructive.
Still, there is
this grandmother.
I'm right behind you.
You know, Niles,
given our new pride
in the Crane name,
perhaps it would behoove us
to research our family tree.
Uh-huh. Actually, in a way,
we'd be honoring Dad.
Yes. Of course,
we wouldn't need to tell him.
No, no.
Just a few hours
on the Internet,
a trip to the library
we could sketch in
the entire family tree.
Sure, and if there should
happen to be a connection
to the Romanoffs...
Well, what harm is there
in that?
Oh, God, it is amusing
to contemplate,
isn't it, Niles?
You, me, Dad...
all part of
an ancient and noble family.
Okay, Eddie, the jackalope's
gonna get you!
The jackalope is gonna get you!
The jackalope...
Hey, Frasier?
Huh?
How's the
research going?
Oh, well, sit down, Roz,
I'll bring you up to speed.
No, thank you.
I'm meeting someone.
Dear God!
Not one of your
Internet dalliances?!
Oh, it's just
coffee, okay?
Besides,
this guy's totally legit.
He e-mailed me a picture.
A picture. Oh, for
God's sake, Roz,
what can you learn
from a picture?
The man's probably a
lunatic, a psychopath...
Oh, he's a pretty boy.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
I know this photo.
It's the cover of this month's
Bidwell's catalog.
Are you sure?
I'm positive!
I ordered those socks
and driving shoes.
Why would someone do this?
Well, he's probably some
insecure, would-be Romeo
trying to lure you
into a meeting.
Hello, Frasier.
Noel.
NOEL:
What have we here?
An empty seat
next to yours.
May I?
No!
Of all the dumb-ass things
you've done
to try to get me
to go out with you,
e-mailing me this picture
is just
the most moronic!
But, Roz!
Forget it, buddy.
I ought to take
your mouse cord and wrap it
around your nerdy
little neck,
until your eyes pop out
like champagne corks.
But I didn't
send you this.
Yeah, right.
Then who did?
My guess would be,
that guy.
(gasps)
Oh, my God.
Noel, Noel,
I'm so sorry.
How sorry?
Not that sorry.
I just saw
the Bidwell's guy.
So, Niles...
how goes
the research?
Oh, I think you're
going to be very pleased.
According to this catalog
of Russian antiquities,
the bear clock was last seen
in Moscow in 1879.
Well, hold on
to your fur hat, Niles.
I've just discovered that
our great-great-grandmother
emigrated from Russia in 1879.
Oh, my God,
it's all coming together.
I can practically
picture the scene. Yes.
Our great-great-grandmother,
smelling revolution in the wind,
secretly slips away
in the black Russian night.
Taking the bear clock with her
to remind her of richer days.
Yes.
The ticking hands of time
counting down her return--
her royal power
merely hibernating.
(phone rings)
Yes?
Yes, yes, I'll hold.
Who is it?
It's Dr. Myshkin.
He's an attach￩
at the Russian Embassy.
Also an expert
on the Romanoffs.
Oh.
Yes, Dr. Myshkin.
This evening...
would be fine.
Uh, about 7:00?
Yes, I live at the
Elliot Bay Towers.
We'll see you then.
He has some important
information for us.
Oh, my God, Niles,
this is it.
The final link
to our royal past.
I'm going to issue
a press release.
Not before I shout it
from the rooftops.
Here's Dad.
Hide everything.
Hey, guys, I thought
I'd find you here.
You know, you just missed
seeing yourself
on The Antiques Roadshow.
Oh. Oh.
Yeah. And you know, the phone's
been ringing off the hook.
Everybody wants
to buy that bear clock.
You're not thinking of
selling it, are you?
You're damn right I am.
Some guy just offered me
$26,000 for it.
I'm going to buy me a big
honkin' fishing boat--
a Wave-Pounder 450
with a fun deck.
Good for fishin', cruisin'
or just plain tubin'.
Did you hear that, Frasier?
We can go tubin'.
(sotto voce):
Do something.
You know, Dad,
perhaps Niles and I
could sell the clock for you.
Oh. I mean, we do know
the antiques world
and, you know, we could
get you more than $26,000.
I should think
at least $30,000.
Wow. You know, maybe I will
let you boys handle this.
FRASIER:
It's a wise move, Dad.
Yeah, we'd hate to see you
get manipulated. Oh.
(doorbell rings)
(footsteps)
(door opening)
Dr. Crane.
Dr. Myshkin,
please come in.
This is my brother,
Dr. Niles Crane.
(clicks heels together)
Oh, there it is.
Yes. Yes, please,
have a look.
Is it authentic?
Without a doubt.
Frasier.
I know.
Daphne,
if you don't mind,
you know,
there is some,
uh, caviar on the ice
in the kitchen.
Uh, now would be
the appropriate time.
If you would,
please?
Oh, I am so sorry.
Here I am
dawdling with the laundry
when it's ten minutes
into caviar time.
As I mentioned,
I have some information
which should be interesting
to your family.
Yes, yes, please,
make yourself comfortable.
Uh, do tell.
Do tell.
This is a copy of the diary
of Princess Sonya Romanoff,
daughter to Tsar Alexander II.
At 18, she fell in love
with a commoner, an American.
(mouthing)
Such a union would, of
course, be forbidden,
but Sonya decided to give
everything up for love.
(gasps)
Quelle elegance.
She enlisted the aid
of a scullery maid,
who smuggled money, clothing,
and this bear clock
out of the palace.
She would elope
to America.
Yes, that was her plan.
But when Sonya
found her way to the train
station under cover of night,
the scullery maid
had absconded with everything,
including the clock.
Servants!
There's a back
aching for the lash!
I'm moving as fast as I can.
But tell us,
how did we get our clock back?
Yes, yes, yes,
tell us,
how did great-great-
grandmama retrieve it?
Uh, Drs. Crane, your ancestor
is not the princess.
Your ancestor
is the scullery maid.
Well, on behalf
of the Russian people,
I thank you for
retrieving this for us.
You mean, you're just going
to take it?!
Well, its rightful place
is in the Hermitage Museum.
But this-this clock has been
in our family for generations.
Niles!
But...
Dr. Crane, we could settle this
in the courts,
but you wouldn't win.
Do you really want this
to come out in the press?
Well, do you really expect us
to just let you
walk out of here
with a precious family heirloom?
Did I mention
that your ancestor,
before she married
a Noah Crane in 1882,
worked as a prostitute
in New York?
Enjoy your bear.
Oh, hello.
Dr. Profiry Myshkin.
Oh, Marty Crane.
Well, I see you
got the clock.
That's right.
Good evening, all.
MARTIN:
Bye.
You sold it.
Hope you
got a good price.
Gee, Dad, I hope
you didn't buy a boat.
No, you know,
I was thinking of it,
and then I thought,
oh, hell, you know,
we've been
getting along so well.
You don't like fishing,
and you get seasick.
Why buy something that
we can't all enjoy, you know?
So I bought this!
A Winnebago.
Yes.
A big one.
33-footer with air suspension
and power jacks.
30,000 used, but you got
that much for the clock, right?
Of course.
(laughing):
Oh, that's great.
We can go anywhere.
You know,
the first place I want to go
is Elmo, Nebraska.
We got a whole mess of cousins
down there.
Well...
we're out $15,000 each.
And we have to take
long trips in a Winnebago.
And we're not Romanoffs.
We're descended
from thieves and whores.
You know,
I remember reading
that Henry James
once had a liaison with
a Russian prostitute
in New York.
I'm right behind you.
♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Oh, my ♪
♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪
(laughing)
♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Frasier has left the building.
Hey.
So, what are
you up to?
Oh, they put in phone jacks
so you can go on line.
I was just talking to this guy
who sounds really great.
(sighs)
What?
I'm a very busy person.
How else am I going
to meet people?
Just seems so
impersonal, Roz.
I mean, my God, what ever
happened to human contact?
Engaging people
face-to-face, eye-to-eye.
There's your Dad.
Oh, don't let
him see me.
Hey, Martin.
Hey, Roz.
Hi.
What you been up to?
Oh, just
surfing the Net.
Hi, Dad. You know,
I never got
into that Net stuff.
ROZ:
Really?
You really ought
to give it a try.
It's a great way
to keep in touch
with your friends
and your family.
Family?
Gosh, you know,
that's nice to know
that some people still
care about their family.
Dad, please?
Well, I got to go.
I'm going night fishing
with Duke and Eddie, of course.
You know,
I wouldn't leave Eddie.
You don't turn
your back on your family.
What is that all about?
Oh, our Cousin Dodie's
wedding was last week.
Oh, excuse me--
Cousin Dodie's weddin'.
It's a Western theme.
On the response card, it asked
for our chili preference--
mild or kick-ass-- oh.
Anyway, Niles and I told her
that we had a conference
to attend
at the Therapists' Guild.
There is no
Therapists' Guild, is there?
No.
Dad found us out.
Wait.
Didn't you have
a "Therapist's Guild" conference
on Alice's last birthday?
The point is,
it struck a nerve with Dad.
Sorry, Roz, it's
just that, you know.
he thinks we're ashamed
of his family.
It's been an issue
with him for years.
Now he hasn't spoken
to me for days.
Oh, thank God, I don't have
to deal with this tonight.
I've already earmarked a fine
bottle of Chateau Beychevelle.
Ah, hot date?
(chuckling)
No, no. Niles is coming over
to watch
The Antiques Roadshow with me.
I guess you'll be coming in
late tomorrow.
It's our favorite
show, Roz.
Party. Whee!
All right, stop it.
That's enough.
Oh, I think
the Roadshow
is from Harrisburg,
Pennsylvania, tonight--
Amish country.
Ooh, quilts.
I'll uncork
the wine, Niles.
You set out
the cheesecake.
Dad.
Dad.
Uh, I thought you were
going night fishing with Duke.
You can't keep this
up forever, Dad.
Well, all right, fine;
I hope you don't mind
but Niles and I are
planning on watching
a television show.
Oh, really?
Well, I'm surprised
you don't have
a conference to go to.
Dad, we said
we were sorry
about Dodie's wedding.
Yes, and we did send her
a baby gift.
Well, Duke canceled out on me.
You can have the TV
in an hour.
I just want to watch
my game show.
(groans)
Dad, please, not a game show.
I happen to like it, all right?
People bring in all their junk
from their attics,
and these experts
tell them what it's worth.
Are you talking
about The Antiques Roadshow?
Yeah.
Well, that's
the program
Niles and I are
going to watch.
I'll just check outside
and see if the world
has ended.
Well, if you want to watch it,
no one's stopping you.
Oh. Wonderful.
(chuckles)
APPRAISER:
And you have no idea
what this writing desk
might be worth?
WOMAN: No. My husband
bought it at a garage sale.
Ooh, that's a lovely piece.
I'd say it's Sheraton.
APPRAISER: At auction,
this would bring in more than $8,000.
Whoa! Ka-ching!
WOMAN:
What about this chair?
Is it an original, too?
Oh, it certainly
looks it.
Nah, nah, they
always do this--
set them up on the first one
and then lower the boom
on the second one.
I think that carving looks
authentic. So does the inlay.
No, no, no.
APPRAISER:
I'm sorry to say
this chair is a reproduction
worth at best $150.
WOMAN:
Oh, what a shame.
Keep watching, boys;
you'll get the hang of it.
WOMAN: Well, I guess
we still have the desk.
APPRAISER: The real clue here
is the veneer.
Veneer. Veneer!
Veneer.
HOST: And now for some
background information
on the beautiful city
of Harrisburg.
Mute!
(laughing)
Evening, all.
Oh, hi, Daphne.
Hi. Hi, Daphne.
Wow. Don't see
the three of you
watching the same
show very often.
What's going on?
Pavarotti
jumping the Grand Canyon?
It's The Antiques
Roadshow.
So what you
got in the box?
Oh, it's Donny's mother's
wedding gown.
He wants me to wear it
at our wedding.
What if I don't like it?
Daphne, if you try it on,
we'd be glad to have a look.
Just go put it on.
Oh, Dad!
Dad, turn it up.
SARA BRIGGS:
But the real masterwork
is this unique
art deco headboard.
It features a variety
of veneers.
Veneer. Veneer!
Veneer.
Mahogany veneer...
Veneer! Veneer.
Veneer.
...burled walnut veneer...
Veneer. Veneer!
Veneer.
...and zebrawood veneer.
Veneer. Veneer!
Veneer.
Oh, God.
Next week we got to pick
a different word.
You know what?
I need another
bottle of wine.
Yeah, me, too.
I love these educational shows.
You know, I can't
get over Dad.
It seems that
this little rift
between us
has been mended.
Oh, can you believe
he used the word
"craftsman,"
and he meant the
architectural style
and not the
rotary sander?
You know, that's uncanny.
Well, you heard him.
No, no, not that.
You just said
"rotary sander."
Dad, did we miss anything?
Nah, just some bozo
with a credenza
who doesn't know a Biedermeier
from an Oscar Meyer.
ANNOUNCER:
That's it for this week.
See you next time
on The Antiques Roadshow.
Next Saturday, the Roadshow
will be here in Seattle.
Whoa! Viewers can bring
their treasures
to the Convention Center
for a free appraisal.
We ought to go.
That'd be great.
Well, sure, Dad.
Does sounds like fun.
Yeah. You know, I'm going to go
have a little root around
in my closet.
I'll bet I can find a nice
little objet d'art
they'll be interested in.
It's as if that panhandler
I gave money to
was a genie granting
all my wishes.
Would you marry me in this?
(whispering):
How much did you give him?
It-it's attractive,
Daphne.
It's a bit unorthodox.
Yeah, that's
what I think.
Donny, I've just put
your mum's wedding dress on.
A miniskirt?!
It's obscene. You can see...
What?
No, I took
the green box.
(laughing):
Oh...
No problem, then. Bye.
I took the wrong dress.
This is from his mother's third
marriage in 1968 in Las Vegas.
(laughing heartily)
Oh, can you believe
people actually
used to dress like this?
I wish I had
a picture of it
for whenever
I needed a laugh.
Niles.
MARTIN: This bear clock's been
in the family for generations.
I can't wait to
see what it's worth.
Do you think they'll put
a dollar figure on it?
That sounds about right.
Very funny.
But you know your grandpa
passed this down to me,
and someday when I'm gone,
it'll be passed on to you.
Dad, please, I don't even want
to think about that day.
You know, I
got to go see
if I can get this baby appraised.
All right.
Oh, I am so sorry,
but on the way in,
I had the most amazing
celebrity sighting.
Hans Dietrich.
The love seat expert.
The very same.
Oh! You know, he's
much smaller
in person than on television.
He's that big.
Get out.
Yes.
Hey, boys, come over here.
They want to put me
and the clock on TV.
Good Lord,
we can't appear on TV
with that hideous thing.
Everyone we know
watches this program.
Well, thank God,
he didn't bring along
that dreadful mounted
jackrabbit's head
with the antelope horns.
Oh, yes, the jackalope--
Texas's answer to the Minotaur.
(groans)
So, what do you think
about that, boys?
They said they've never seen
anything like it.
Well, Dad, you know,
this could go either way.
Oh, I know.
Don't worry about it.
I'm not going to act
like one of those saps
I always make fun of.
Doesn't matter if it's worth
two dollars or $2,000.
I'm just going to say,
"That's pretty much
what I figured."
Tape's rolling.
Oh.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, okay, okay.
Uh, guys, uh, which one of you
wants to come and hold it?
No, no, Dad, we
wouldn't dream of it.
This is your moment.
WOMAN:
Everybody ready?
Action.
So, Martin,
what can you tell us
about this pewter clock?
Well, it is a clock
set in the stomach
of what appears
to be a bear.
APPRAISER: Actually, it's
much more than that.
It's Russian, made
in the mid-19th century.
That's pretty much
what I figured.
Actually,
it's a stunning piece.
It was made
by Andrei Kuragin
who worked
for Tsar Alexander II.
That is pretty much
what I figured.
I don't know
if you're descended
from the Romanoffs,
Martin,
but all of Kuragin's
known bear clocks
were done exclusively
for the Romanoff family
and are now
in the Hermitage Museum
in St. Petersburg.
Martin,
you may be surprised to learn
that this clock, at auction,
would easily bring $25,000.
Ka-ching!
(laughing)
Oh.
What he means is
that's pretty much
what we figured.
FRASIER:
After you, Dad.
Thank you.
(chuckles)
Gosh, Dad, you know,
I've been thinking.
Maybe we'll have to find
an appropriate place
for the clock.
How about right here
on this console, hmm?
Oh, yes. I get it.
Doesn't look quite
so bad to you guys
now that you know it's
worth 25 grand, huh?
Oh, I could kick myself
for not bringing
that jackalope.
Quite an amazing day, eh?
(chuckling):
It certainly was.
You know, Niles,
I've been meaning
to ask you about something,
actually.
You remember that appraiser
said something about
the bear being from Russia
and Dad being part of
the Romanoff family?
Yeah, yeah. You know,
that struck my ear, too.
Yes, yes.
Course, I don't
seriously believe
there's any real
chance of that.
No, no, of course not.
No, no.
It's a long shot, at best.
It's impossible.
Although we do
have the bear.
I know.
Oh, Dad.
Niles just reminded me
of something
I'd completely forgotten.
Um...
When the appraiser mentioned
that the bear was from Russia...
Oh, yeah, well,
it probably got passed down
through your
great-great-grandmother.
She was from Russia.
Aha!
And he said something about
the, um, Romanoff family?
Oh, yeah, that, huh?
Sure you want
to hear about this?
Yes, Dad.
Well, I guess you would've
found out anyway
after I died.
We're royalty.
But I didn't want you
to grow up spoiled,
so I abdicated and took a job
in Seattle on the police force.
It was kind of
hard giving up
that royal
way of life,
but I think
maybe it's the swans
that I miss most.
Very funny, Dad.
Point taken.
Sherry, Niles?
Please.
Sorry to disappoint you.
I know you'd rather be
anything in the world
except Cranes.
Oh, Dad!
Now, that is just not true.
We are proud to be Cranes.
It was just...
innocent curiosity.
Well, I got to go call Duke.
But don't get excited.
He's not a real duke.
Well...
we stepped in it that time.
Yes.
What the hell
is wrong with us?
Asking whether or not
we're related to the Romanoffs
and we'd just
gotten past
this whole "Crane
shame" thing.
We should've known
it would just upset him.
Yes, and for what?
Trying to find some
distant connection
to royalty.
Even if we could prove it,
what do we have?
Story to tell at parties.
Occasional seat
at a state dinner.
Some meaningless title.
(chuckles)
It's insane.
Ridiculous.
Destructive.
Still, there is
this grandmother.
I'm right behind you.
You know, Niles,
given our new pride
in the Crane name,
perhaps it would behoove us
to research our family tree.
Uh-huh. Actually, in a way,
we'd be honoring Dad.
Yes. Of course,
we wouldn't need to tell him.
No, no.
Just a few hours
on the Internet,
a trip to the library
we could sketch in
the entire family tree.
Sure, and if there should
happen to be a connection
to the Romanoffs...
Well, what harm is there
in that?
Oh, God, it is amusing
to contemplate,
isn't it, Niles?
You, me, Dad...
all part of
an ancient and noble family.
Okay, Eddie, the jackalope's
gonna get you!
The jackalope is gonna get you!
The jackalope...
Hey, Frasier?
Huh?
How's the
research going?
Oh, well, sit down, Roz,
I'll bring you up to speed.
No, thank you.
I'm meeting someone.
Dear God!
Not one of your
Internet dalliances?!
Oh, it's just
coffee, okay?
Besides,
this guy's totally legit.
He e-mailed me a picture.
A picture. Oh, for
God's sake, Roz,
what can you learn
from a picture?
The man's probably a
lunatic, a psychopath...
Oh, he's a pretty boy.
Yeah.
Wait a minute.
I know this photo.
It's the cover of this month's
Bidwell's catalog.
Are you sure?
I'm positive!
I ordered those socks
and driving shoes.
Why would someone do this?
Well, he's probably some
insecure, would-be Romeo
trying to lure you
into a meeting.
Hello, Frasier.
Noel.
NOEL:
What have we here?
An empty seat
next to yours.
May I?
No!
Of all the dumb-ass things
you've done
to try to get me
to go out with you,
e-mailing me this picture
is just
the most moronic!
But, Roz!
Forget it, buddy.
I ought to take
your mouse cord and wrap it
around your nerdy
little neck,
until your eyes pop out
like champagne corks.
But I didn't
send you this.
Yeah, right.
Then who did?
My guess would be,
that guy.
(gasps)
Oh, my God.
Noel, Noel,
I'm so sorry.
How sorry?
Not that sorry.
I just saw
the Bidwell's guy.
So, Niles...
how goes
the research?
Oh, I think you're
going to be very pleased.
According to this catalog
of Russian antiquities,
the bear clock was last seen
in Moscow in 1879.
Well, hold on
to your fur hat, Niles.
I've just discovered that
our great-great-grandmother
emigrated from Russia in 1879.
Oh, my God,
it's all coming together.
I can practically
picture the scene. Yes.
Our great-great-grandmother,
smelling revolution in the wind,
secretly slips away
in the black Russian night.
Taking the bear clock with her
to remind her of richer days.
Yes.
The ticking hands of time
counting down her return--
her royal power
merely hibernating.
(phone rings)
Yes?
Yes, yes, I'll hold.
Who is it?
It's Dr. Myshkin.
He's an attach￩
at the Russian Embassy.
Also an expert
on the Romanoffs.
Oh.
Yes, Dr. Myshkin.
This evening...
would be fine.
Uh, about 7:00?
Yes, I live at the
Elliot Bay Towers.
We'll see you then.
He has some important
information for us.
Oh, my God, Niles,
this is it.
The final link
to our royal past.
I'm going to issue
a press release.
Not before I shout it
from the rooftops.
Here's Dad.
Hide everything.
Hey, guys, I thought
I'd find you here.
You know, you just missed
seeing yourself
on The Antiques Roadshow.
Oh. Oh.
Yeah. And you know, the phone's
been ringing off the hook.
Everybody wants
to buy that bear clock.
You're not thinking of
selling it, are you?
You're damn right I am.
Some guy just offered me
$26,000 for it.
I'm going to buy me a big
honkin' fishing boat--
a Wave-Pounder 450
with a fun deck.
Good for fishin', cruisin'
or just plain tubin'.
Did you hear that, Frasier?
We can go tubin'.
(sotto voce):
Do something.
You know, Dad,
perhaps Niles and I
could sell the clock for you.
Oh. I mean, we do know
the antiques world
and, you know, we could
get you more than $26,000.
I should think
at least $30,000.
Wow. You know, maybe I will
let you boys handle this.
FRASIER:
It's a wise move, Dad.
Yeah, we'd hate to see you
get manipulated. Oh.
(doorbell rings)
(footsteps)
(door opening)
Dr. Crane.
Dr. Myshkin,
please come in.
This is my brother,
Dr. Niles Crane.
(clicks heels together)
Oh, there it is.
Yes. Yes, please,
have a look.
Is it authentic?
Without a doubt.
Frasier.
I know.
Daphne,
if you don't mind,
you know,
there is some,
uh, caviar on the ice
in the kitchen.
Uh, now would be
the appropriate time.
If you would,
please?
Oh, I am so sorry.
Here I am
dawdling with the laundry
when it's ten minutes
into caviar time.
As I mentioned,
I have some information
which should be interesting
to your family.
Yes, yes, please,
make yourself comfortable.
Uh, do tell.
Do tell.
This is a copy of the diary
of Princess Sonya Romanoff,
daughter to Tsar Alexander II.
At 18, she fell in love
with a commoner, an American.
(mouthing)
Such a union would, of
course, be forbidden,
but Sonya decided to give
everything up for love.
(gasps)
Quelle elegance.
She enlisted the aid
of a scullery maid,
who smuggled money, clothing,
and this bear clock
out of the palace.
She would elope
to America.
Yes, that was her plan.
But when Sonya
found her way to the train
station under cover of night,
the scullery maid
had absconded with everything,
including the clock.
Servants!
There's a back
aching for the lash!
I'm moving as fast as I can.
But tell us,
how did we get our clock back?
Yes, yes, yes,
tell us,
how did great-great-
grandmama retrieve it?
Uh, Drs. Crane, your ancestor
is not the princess.
Your ancestor
is the scullery maid.
Well, on behalf
of the Russian people,
I thank you for
retrieving this for us.
You mean, you're just going
to take it?!
Well, its rightful place
is in the Hermitage Museum.
But this-this clock has been
in our family for generations.
Niles!
But...
Dr. Crane, we could settle this
in the courts,
but you wouldn't win.
Do you really want this
to come out in the press?
Well, do you really expect us
to just let you
walk out of here
with a precious family heirloom?
Did I mention
that your ancestor,
before she married
a Noah Crane in 1882,
worked as a prostitute
in New York?
Enjoy your bear.
Oh, hello.
Dr. Profiry Myshkin.
Oh, Marty Crane.
Well, I see you
got the clock.
That's right.
Good evening, all.
MARTIN:
Bye.
You sold it.
Hope you
got a good price.
Gee, Dad, I hope
you didn't buy a boat.
No, you know,
I was thinking of it,
and then I thought,
oh, hell, you know,
we've been
getting along so well.
You don't like fishing,
and you get seasick.
Why buy something that
we can't all enjoy, you know?
So I bought this!
A Winnebago.
Yes.
A big one.
33-footer with air suspension
and power jacks.
30,000 used, but you got
that much for the clock, right?
Of course.
(laughing):
Oh, that's great.
We can go anywhere.
You know,
the first place I want to go
is Elmo, Nebraska.
We got a whole mess of cousins
down there.
Well...
we're out $15,000 each.
And we have to take
long trips in a Winnebago.
And we're not Romanoffs.
We're descended
from thieves and whores.
You know,
I remember reading
that Henry James
once had a liaison with
a Russian prostitute
in New York.
I'm right behind you.
♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Oh, my ♪
♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪
(laughing)
♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Frasier has left the building.