Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 19 - Morning Becomes Entertainment - full transcript
Frasier's show is pulled off the air for a week, supposedly to give a new talk show a try, but Frasier has figured out the real reason: leverage against him in his contract negotiations with the station. Thinking two can play that game, Bebe lines up a one-week guest spot on AM Seattle, a morning TV talk show, for him and Roz. When Roz shows up on Monday with a raging fever, Bebe steps in as his co-host. They're such a hit that the TV station wants them on a permanent basis, which fame-struck Bebe desperately wants while Frasier wrestles with decision. Meanwhile, Martin begrudgingly accepts that his vision is failing and agrees to get glasses, but embarrassingly chooses women's frames.
Daphne.
Hey.
Hello.
I though you were spending
the afternoon with Dad.
He's in the loo.
Why don't you join us?
All right.
Thank you.
Hey, did you happen
to catch the show today?
I was on fire. First caller
was an agoraphobic--
boom! Knocked it
right out of the park.
Then two troubled marriages
and a compulsive overeater--
boom, boom! Boom!
I was a regular mental health
dispensing machine.
I did two loads of laundry
and cut a piece of gum
out of Eddie's hair.
Now, Daphne, don't
get down on yourself.
The work you do at home
is very important.
In fact, I don't know what
Dad and I are going to do
once you're married.
Thank you, Dr. Crane.
That makes me feel better.
Boom! Boy, there is
no "off" switch on this thing.
Sadly, that's true.
Oh, there she is,
the other half of our team.
Roz, are you still
as jazzed as I am?
They're taking us
off the air.
What? Since when?
While you were looking for
Gatorade to pour over yourself,
Kenny came by and said
he's yanking us for a week.
He wants to try out
that new show--
you know, Car Chat
with Bob and Bethany.
Car Chat with Bob and Bethany?
What the...?
Oh... touche, Kenny.
You are indeed
a worthy adversary,
but you shall find I have
a trick or two of my own.
You know,
Dr. Crane,
maybe a week off
would do you some good.
No, no, no,
you don't understand.
You see, I'm actually
renegotiating
my contract right now
and this is merely
the station's tactic
to try to get me to cave.
I hope you're right.
Of course I'm right.
Bob and Bethany, Car Chat.
Please.
How can anybody drone on
for three hours
about a subject
that nobody even understands?
Yeah, we were there first.
Don't worry,
Dr. Crane.
I'm sure you're right
about these things.
After all, you
usually are.
Why, thank you, Daphne.
That's exactly
what I needed to hear.
Boom.
(laughing)
Son.
Oh, hi, Dad.
Boy, they really did a job
in the men's room, didn't they?
Why, I hadn't noticed.
Oh, yeah,
completely redid it.
Fancy wallpapers,
bright new tile,
even those little perfumed soaps
that you like to use
at home, Fras.
DAPHNE:
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
You went into the ladies room,
you blind old sod.
I've been begging him
for months to get glasses.
Ladies room? You're crazy.
That guy was just in there.
Oh, hi, Bethany.
Uh, listen.
Good luck in the slot next week.
BETHANY:
Thanks. We're pumped.
Granted, Dad, Bethany
may be a bit of a tough call,
but still, you know, it wouldn't
hurt to get a checkup.
Oh, come on,
don't you start, too.
There's nothing
wrong with my eyes.
Now, if you don't mind,
I just want
to sit here quietly,
and have an...
...have a drink of cream.
Do you have a problem with that?
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Oh. Hello, Daphne.
Say, you know, my agent Bebe
said she might be stopping by.
Have you heard anything?
No. And I hope she's
not staying for lunch.
I'm afraid we're
fresh out of live mice.
Hey, Fras.
Dad.
Is it my imagination,
or are those ladies glasses?
Yes, and don't you
say anything.
I had to drag him
down to the store.
He tried on every pair
in the place.
Those were
the only ones he liked.
So.
How do you like the new specs?
They certainly
are eye-catching.
Yeah.
You should have seen the looks
I got all day.
Mostly from women.
You know, I'd like
to think it was me,
but I got an idea
these frames were designed
with an eye
to pleasing the ladies.
I'd say that's
a safe assumption.
Daph, have
you seen
the case for them?
I don't know what I did with it.
Yeah, I think
I popped them into my purse.
Check my room.
Okeydoke.
Oh, wait'll you see
this case, Fras.
This Lauren guy really knows
what he's doing.
Ralph Lauren?
Sophia.
I'm amazed you can keep
a straight face all day.
(doorbell ringing)
I've done enough clothes
shopping with your father.
I'm pretty good
at pretending to like things
no matter how horrifying
I find them.
Bebe.
How nice to see you.
Frasier, my favorite client.
Seattle's golden-throated gift
to the airwaves.
I take it negotiations
aren't going so well.
You remember
that insulting figure
you said
you'd never accept?
They haven't
come up to it yet.
Oh, dear.
NILES:
Knock, knock.
Oh, come on
in, Niles.
Bebe's just bringing
me up to speed
on the depressing news about
my contract negotiations.
Don't worry, dear.
I just need to find a way
to throw a scare into them.
Have you tried
turning into a bat?
I would, love,
but most grown men
don't share your fear
of tiny creatures.
Could you two
please catch up later?
I did get one offer
that I thought
might give us some leverage.
It's a TV job.
Television?
Unfortunately,
it's all wrong for you.
They want you and Roz to host
A.M. Seattle next week.
That vapid morning chat show?
Exactly
what I told them.
Frasier Crane is a doctor.
He heals the masses;
he doesn't pander to them.
He's not going to do some
silly morning
kaffeeklatsch
no matter how
fabulously popular it is.
Well, that's
quite right, Bebe.
That sort of show is beneath me.
Exactly.
It's undignified.
Horribly.
Still...
I'm listening.
If there were a way to do it
with a bit more dignity,
some polish and substance.
Why didn't I think of that?
You know, a dash of high society
and a dollop of culture.
I can't believe
you're even considering this.
The show
is nothing more
than a melange of bad jokes
and mind-numbing banter.
Yes, but it doesn't have to be,
Niles, don't you see?
If I could choose
the guests myself.
You can.
And control the content.
You could.
Well, then I'd accept.
We did. I mean, we will.
In fact, why don't I call
them right now
with the exciting news.
(chuckling)
May I?
On the balcony,
if you don't mind.
Mind?
I don't want a single puff
tearing up the baby blues
of TV's newest sensation.
By this time next week...
You heard him--
If you're going to blow smoke,
do it on the balcony.
Well, I can't say
I'm surprised.
What is that supposed to mean?
Only that something like this
was inevitable.
It's the final step
in your descent
from legitimate psychiatrist
to dancing bear.
Niles, we are
talking about doing
a sophisticated television show
for one week
in order to improve
my contract negotiations.
This has nothing to do with
your contract negotiations.
You have been an applause junkie
ever since you first set foot
on a grammar school stage.
I was drawn to the theater
because of its discipline
and collaborative spirit.
Oh, please.
In your sixth-grade production
of Oklahoma,
you took so many curtain calls,
Mrs. Van Raaphorst
had to lasso you
and pull you from the stage.
That woman never understood
me or the role
of farmer number three.
Oh, I'm just wasting my breath.
As usual, you have fallen
under the spell
of that sorceress
out there.
I have done
no such thing.
And I wish you'd
just lay off of Bebe.
She is not some
malign witch
who can transform
people at will.
I can't find a damn thing
in this purse.
If I say I'm sorry,
will she change Dad
back into a man?
Well, it took several
of your best people,
but I believe
they've finally wrestled
this feisty cowlick
of mine into submission.
So, are we, uh, ready to roll?
Not quite.
Your partner's not here.
Roz is not here?
But we are on in four minutes.
At this point,
a rerun is on in four minutes.
Don't worry, Matt,
she'll be here.
We won't have time
to put her through makeup.
A natural beauty like Roz?
Oh, please, darling.
Pinch her cheek, stand back
and watch her glow.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Roz.
Oh, for God's sake,
you look awful.
Are you sick?
No. Of course not.
I wouldn't be sick
for our big debut.
I'm totally fine.
Roz, you're burning up.
Well, it's kind of hot in here.
Maybe it's all these lights.
I'll just get this jacket off.
No, no. Roz, Roz.
Stop, stop, stop.
She's delirious.
With anticipation,
darling. Don't worry.
I'll calm her down.
Pull yourself together,
you hear me,
we need this show!
All right, everyone
we're doing a rerun.
Let the audience go,
cue the tapes.
Wait. Can't Frasier
do the show without her?
This is a chat show.
Who's he going to chat with?
Me. I'll go on with him.
You?
Pull yourself
together, Roz!
I don't think so, Bebe.
Why not? All he
needs is someone
to suck up to him,
laugh at his jokes,
pretend to listen
to his stories.
I'm his agent; for God's sake,
that's what I do.
You know, I believe
she could pull it off.
The problem is,
she needs to be likable.
Right. Do I at least
get to keep the suit?
Hold on.
I can be likable.
I can also be very unlikable.
Maybe if you explained
the difference
to poor, confused Bebe.
For instance, what you were
doing in the dressing room
with the wardrobe girl
an hour ago--
would your wife find that
likable or unlikable?
Could you put some makeup
on this woman now?
Okay, folks.
60 seconds.
All right, Bebe,
just follow my lead.
I'll introduce us and then we'll
get to our guests, all right?
Now, wasn't our first guest
Susan Sontag?
Oh, she had a conflict.
Don't worry.
We got a fabulous replacement.
"Baby Leo, the world's biggest
two-year-old"?
You're going to love him.
Just remember
to lift with your legs.
That's it. This
is unacceptable.
Oh, now who's
the world's biggest baby?
I will not do this show!
We're live in five,
four, three, two...
(theme music plays)
Hi. Welcome
to A.M. Seattle.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
And I'm Bebe Glazer.
We're going to be
your hosts this week
and believe me,
we've got
some great shows
lined up for you.
But before we get
to our guests,
I'd like to take a few
moments to share with you
a few thoughts
I've prepared
on a very special
time of the day--
the time that we'll be
spending together--
Morning.
A new beginning.
A daily rebirth,
if you will.
What the hell is this?
Banter. Banter.
And even though
"A.M." stands for
"ante meridian,"
if you simply put them together,
they also make up the word "am,"
as in, "I am."
Whoa.
Not before my coffee.
As you can see, Frasier
has a way with words
but did you also know
that he has a way with voices?
Excuse me?
Who wants to hear Frasier's
famous Sean Connery impression?
(applause and cheering)
(imitating Sean Connery):
Now, now, Moneypenny,
you're embarrassing me.
(laughing)
Dr. Frasier Crane,
ladies and gentlemen.
Any more impressions, Frasier?
Maybe I should just...
Now, don't be shy.
Who wants to hear Frasier
do more impressions?
(applause and cheering)
It's just that I'd hate
to take time away
from our other guests.
I-I believe that...
(imitating James Mason): James Mason
may be stopping by to visit today.
(laughing)
Oh, yes!
This has been
some week.
It's really flown by.
Hasn't it?
Whoosh.
A whoosh.
I can't believe
it's time
for Thursday's
Kitchen Corner.
We'll be right back
with Chef Frasier.
Hang tight.
STAGE MANAGER:
And we're clear.
Bebe, Kitchen Corner?
I thought we had
the violin prodigy up next.
For God's sake, we bumped
Kim Lee twice this week.
I know, but we're running
short of time,
and the cooking segment
is gonna be boffo.
Well, all right, but I insist
Kim Lee play over
the closing credits.
All right?
We're not running
some sort of a tacky run-
of-the-mill morning show.
Here's your chef's costume.
Thank you.
Allow me, dear.
You know, Frasier.
Hmm?
The most magical thing
happened to me
last night during dinner.
Really?
I was recognized.
It's intoxicating,
isn't it?
Gosh, I myself,
no stranger
to celebrity,
have noticed
more heads
swiveling
in my direction.
Ooh.
(chuckles)
STAGE MANAGER:
We're back in five, four,
three, two...
Welcome back.
Frasier, I hear you're
quite the gourmet.
Oh, please.
I don't do
anything fancy.
A few soufflés,
a flambé or two.
Just good eats.
Now, this morning,
I'm going to be making
my signature
breakfast for you--
that's Eggs
Palermo Fontana.
Mmm. Makes
my mouth water.
But before we start,
I have a little
sweetheart backstage
who's dying to come out
and give you a hand.
Is it Kim Lee?
Not even close.
It's Bobo,
the cooking chimp.
Oh, that's very funny.
This has Matt's
fingerprints all over it.
We thought
it might be great fun
if you were to match
your skills against his.
FRASIER: Well, I don't know,
Bebe, uh...
Well, let's let
the audience decide.
How many of you
want to see the
monkey make eggs?
(applause)
How many of you want
to see Bobo make eggs?
Oh.
Just kidding.
Ouch.
Well, all right.
Apes before beauty.
(chuckles)
Frasier.
Bobo.
May the best chef win.
FRASIER: Now, the first rule
of haute cuisine
is to be sure you have
all your ingredients
at hand, you see.
We have eggs, milk, butter,
spinach, and, of course,
our old friend, the shallot.
(egg cracking)
Why, look at that.
He's not even
preheating the pan.
The beast.
Bobo's getting
an early lead.
Yeah.
It's very important
to keep your eggs
light and fluffy.
So, what you want to do
is add a bit of milk
and a touch of flour.
(Bebe yells)
Stop that.
(laughing)
Well, I...
Oh, he's a pesky
little chef, isn't he?
(Bebe laughing)
Oh, you crazy chimp.
Oh. Oh, my God.
And this whole thing
was improvised.
DAPHNE:
You're kidding.
It's like you
and the chimp
have been working
together for years.
Boy, that's great stuff,
Frasier.
You know, I can't
tell you how impressed
the guys at McGinty's
are that I have
such a famous son.
What do
they say?
Well, they don't say anything
to my face,
but when I walk in,
they kind of nudge
each other and whisper.
Oh.
(timer dings)
That will be me
Shepherd's Pie.
Shepherd's Pie?
I must confess,
there's a part of me
that wishes I could still do
the TV show.
(doorbell rings)
Well, there's a part
of me that wishes
that monkey was
cooking dinner
instead of you-know-who.
But we put our dreams away.
Oh, hi, Roz.
Well, don't you
look nice.
You're feeling better?
Yes, thank you.
Uh, can we talk?
Of course.
Come on in.
What's the matter?
Well, I talked
to my friends
in business affairs
and they say they're ready
to close our deals
but Bebe's
holding it up.
Of course, she's holding it up.
She's trying to
make them sweat a bit.
That's the
whole strategy
behind this TV
show-- leverage.
Yeah, well,
um, I heard a rumor
that A.M. Seattle isn't happy
with their regular hosts,
and I think
she's angling
for you
to take over.
So where does
that leave me?
Well, even if
that was Bebe's plan,
I mean, you're forgetting
that it's still my career,
and I'm calling the shots.
There is no way I would continue
doing A.M. Seattle.
You look like you're having
the time of your life.
I'm playing
a character.
There is a big difference
between Dr. Frasier Crane,
psychiatrist and Frasier Crane
the guy who starts
your morning right.
I tell you what.
I will speak to Bebe tomorrow
when we're in the chair.
That's the industry term
for when we're getting
our makeup put on.
Thanks, Frasier.
Yeah. Sure.
God, this is so weird.
Daphne usually has
such great taste.
What is she thinking
with these glasses?
Well, actually,
Roz, uh...
I've got to go see
what these
look like.
Hi, Roz.
Hey, Martin.
Hey.
Somebody ought to tell Mr. Doyle
she's wearing a dude's glasses.
Oh, Kiki,
you're a magician.
Frasier, you're not
going to believe
the wonderful news
I just got.
They want us to stay on.
What?
Yes.
We had the
highest ratings
the show's had
all year.
I don't
believe this.
Roz was right.
You had no intention
of renegotiating
my radio contract.
I don't expect
gratitude, Frasier--
just a little faith.
I finished your KACL contract
this morning.
You did?
And I did quite
a good job, I might add.
I'm sorry, Bebe.
I owe you
an apology.
Wow, this is wonderful.
I got an extra
week's vacation,
a very handsome raise.
It's garbage
compared to
what they'll give us
to stay on here.
You'll get
an expense account,
a wardrobe allowance,
not to mention
a car and driver.
No, no.
Let's not forget
why I took this job.
It was to raise
my profile
to get a better deal
with the radio contract.
We've done that, Bebe,
and I thank you.
You're welcome, darling.
And I respect
your choice.
Thanks.
Now, let's talk
about today's show.
Right.
We start with
the Friday Fiesta.
Here are our costumes.
Then we, uh, move on to
the Girl Scout
cookie-selling champion.
(crying):
Then we...
Bebe, are you
all right?
I've spent my life
in the wings.
It was just nice
having my moment
in the spotlight.
The rush when
that little red light
on the camera turns on.
The strip
of masking tape
on my dressing
room door
with my name on it.
The stage-door
Johnnies,
or whatever
that strange man
with the autograph
book calls himself.
Admit it, darling,
you want this
as much as I do.
I saw it in your eyes
during the pie
eating contest.
Nobody loves
blueberries that much.
It's the audience
you love.
MAN: Are you ready for
Bebe and Frasier?
(applause and cheers)
Listen to them.
They want you.
They do want me,
don't they?
Tell me to tear up
the contract, Frasier.
Maybe it is time
for a change.
Get away from him,
you she-thing!
Niles.
It's a good thing Dad
started choking on that peanut
or I'd have never have
come back here for water.
Stop this madness.
He can't stop it.
No one can.
Show business
is in his blood.
No, psychiatry is.
Frasier, you're a healer.
Anyone can heal.
You're better than that.
You're an entertainer.
Oh, God, Niles.
She's right.
I love the audience.
I know
it's shallow,
but it makes me
feel alive.
Do you have
any idea
how ridiculous you
look in this outfit?
Frasier,
I know I sometimes make light
of your radio show,
but the truth is,
you provide help and hope
and comfort to people
who need it.
I have always envied you that.
Don't listen
to that drivel!
He's right, Bebe.
I'm a psychiatrist.
I can't do
this show anymore.
I'm sorry.
Then quit.
Who needs you?
I'll find some other
stuffed shirt
who's happy to ride
my coattails to fame.
Niles, you're a doctor.
Niles, don't look into her eyes!
Well, that's it.
The dream is over.
30 seconds.
But I'm still a professional.
There's an audience out there
waiting for two people
to ride in on a donkey.
I don't know about you...
...but I'm not going
to let them down.
It's your last show.
Get out there.
Thanks, brother,
for keeping me grounded.
Vaya con dios.
ANNOUNCER: Here they are,
Bebe and Frasier!
♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪
(laughing)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Good night!
Hey.
Hello.
I though you were spending
the afternoon with Dad.
He's in the loo.
Why don't you join us?
All right.
Thank you.
Hey, did you happen
to catch the show today?
I was on fire. First caller
was an agoraphobic--
boom! Knocked it
right out of the park.
Then two troubled marriages
and a compulsive overeater--
boom, boom! Boom!
I was a regular mental health
dispensing machine.
I did two loads of laundry
and cut a piece of gum
out of Eddie's hair.
Now, Daphne, don't
get down on yourself.
The work you do at home
is very important.
In fact, I don't know what
Dad and I are going to do
once you're married.
Thank you, Dr. Crane.
That makes me feel better.
Boom! Boy, there is
no "off" switch on this thing.
Sadly, that's true.
Oh, there she is,
the other half of our team.
Roz, are you still
as jazzed as I am?
They're taking us
off the air.
What? Since when?
While you were looking for
Gatorade to pour over yourself,
Kenny came by and said
he's yanking us for a week.
He wants to try out
that new show--
you know, Car Chat
with Bob and Bethany.
Car Chat with Bob and Bethany?
What the...?
Oh... touche, Kenny.
You are indeed
a worthy adversary,
but you shall find I have
a trick or two of my own.
You know,
Dr. Crane,
maybe a week off
would do you some good.
No, no, no,
you don't understand.
You see, I'm actually
renegotiating
my contract right now
and this is merely
the station's tactic
to try to get me to cave.
I hope you're right.
Of course I'm right.
Bob and Bethany, Car Chat.
Please.
How can anybody drone on
for three hours
about a subject
that nobody even understands?
Yeah, we were there first.
Don't worry,
Dr. Crane.
I'm sure you're right
about these things.
After all, you
usually are.
Why, thank you, Daphne.
That's exactly
what I needed to hear.
Boom.
(laughing)
Son.
Oh, hi, Dad.
Boy, they really did a job
in the men's room, didn't they?
Why, I hadn't noticed.
Oh, yeah,
completely redid it.
Fancy wallpapers,
bright new tile,
even those little perfumed soaps
that you like to use
at home, Fras.
DAPHNE:
Oh, for heaven's sakes.
You went into the ladies room,
you blind old sod.
I've been begging him
for months to get glasses.
Ladies room? You're crazy.
That guy was just in there.
Oh, hi, Bethany.
Uh, listen.
Good luck in the slot next week.
BETHANY:
Thanks. We're pumped.
Granted, Dad, Bethany
may be a bit of a tough call,
but still, you know, it wouldn't
hurt to get a checkup.
Oh, come on,
don't you start, too.
There's nothing
wrong with my eyes.
Now, if you don't mind,
I just want
to sit here quietly,
and have an...
...have a drink of cream.
Do you have a problem with that?
Hello, Dr. Crane.
Oh. Hello, Daphne.
Say, you know, my agent Bebe
said she might be stopping by.
Have you heard anything?
No. And I hope she's
not staying for lunch.
I'm afraid we're
fresh out of live mice.
Hey, Fras.
Dad.
Is it my imagination,
or are those ladies glasses?
Yes, and don't you
say anything.
I had to drag him
down to the store.
He tried on every pair
in the place.
Those were
the only ones he liked.
So.
How do you like the new specs?
They certainly
are eye-catching.
Yeah.
You should have seen the looks
I got all day.
Mostly from women.
You know, I'd like
to think it was me,
but I got an idea
these frames were designed
with an eye
to pleasing the ladies.
I'd say that's
a safe assumption.
Daph, have
you seen
the case for them?
I don't know what I did with it.
Yeah, I think
I popped them into my purse.
Check my room.
Okeydoke.
Oh, wait'll you see
this case, Fras.
This Lauren guy really knows
what he's doing.
Ralph Lauren?
Sophia.
I'm amazed you can keep
a straight face all day.
(doorbell ringing)
I've done enough clothes
shopping with your father.
I'm pretty good
at pretending to like things
no matter how horrifying
I find them.
Bebe.
How nice to see you.
Frasier, my favorite client.
Seattle's golden-throated gift
to the airwaves.
I take it negotiations
aren't going so well.
You remember
that insulting figure
you said
you'd never accept?
They haven't
come up to it yet.
Oh, dear.
NILES:
Knock, knock.
Oh, come on
in, Niles.
Bebe's just bringing
me up to speed
on the depressing news about
my contract negotiations.
Don't worry, dear.
I just need to find a way
to throw a scare into them.
Have you tried
turning into a bat?
I would, love,
but most grown men
don't share your fear
of tiny creatures.
Could you two
please catch up later?
I did get one offer
that I thought
might give us some leverage.
It's a TV job.
Television?
Unfortunately,
it's all wrong for you.
They want you and Roz to host
A.M. Seattle next week.
That vapid morning chat show?
Exactly
what I told them.
Frasier Crane is a doctor.
He heals the masses;
he doesn't pander to them.
He's not going to do some
silly morning
kaffeeklatsch
no matter how
fabulously popular it is.
Well, that's
quite right, Bebe.
That sort of show is beneath me.
Exactly.
It's undignified.
Horribly.
Still...
I'm listening.
If there were a way to do it
with a bit more dignity,
some polish and substance.
Why didn't I think of that?
You know, a dash of high society
and a dollop of culture.
I can't believe
you're even considering this.
The show
is nothing more
than a melange of bad jokes
and mind-numbing banter.
Yes, but it doesn't have to be,
Niles, don't you see?
If I could choose
the guests myself.
You can.
And control the content.
You could.
Well, then I'd accept.
We did. I mean, we will.
In fact, why don't I call
them right now
with the exciting news.
(chuckling)
May I?
On the balcony,
if you don't mind.
Mind?
I don't want a single puff
tearing up the baby blues
of TV's newest sensation.
By this time next week...
You heard him--
If you're going to blow smoke,
do it on the balcony.
Well, I can't say
I'm surprised.
What is that supposed to mean?
Only that something like this
was inevitable.
It's the final step
in your descent
from legitimate psychiatrist
to dancing bear.
Niles, we are
talking about doing
a sophisticated television show
for one week
in order to improve
my contract negotiations.
This has nothing to do with
your contract negotiations.
You have been an applause junkie
ever since you first set foot
on a grammar school stage.
I was drawn to the theater
because of its discipline
and collaborative spirit.
Oh, please.
In your sixth-grade production
of Oklahoma,
you took so many curtain calls,
Mrs. Van Raaphorst
had to lasso you
and pull you from the stage.
That woman never understood
me or the role
of farmer number three.
Oh, I'm just wasting my breath.
As usual, you have fallen
under the spell
of that sorceress
out there.
I have done
no such thing.
And I wish you'd
just lay off of Bebe.
She is not some
malign witch
who can transform
people at will.
I can't find a damn thing
in this purse.
If I say I'm sorry,
will she change Dad
back into a man?
Well, it took several
of your best people,
but I believe
they've finally wrestled
this feisty cowlick
of mine into submission.
So, are we, uh, ready to roll?
Not quite.
Your partner's not here.
Roz is not here?
But we are on in four minutes.
At this point,
a rerun is on in four minutes.
Don't worry, Matt,
she'll be here.
We won't have time
to put her through makeup.
A natural beauty like Roz?
Oh, please, darling.
Pinch her cheek, stand back
and watch her glow.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Roz.
Oh, for God's sake,
you look awful.
Are you sick?
No. Of course not.
I wouldn't be sick
for our big debut.
I'm totally fine.
Roz, you're burning up.
Well, it's kind of hot in here.
Maybe it's all these lights.
I'll just get this jacket off.
No, no. Roz, Roz.
Stop, stop, stop.
She's delirious.
With anticipation,
darling. Don't worry.
I'll calm her down.
Pull yourself together,
you hear me,
we need this show!
All right, everyone
we're doing a rerun.
Let the audience go,
cue the tapes.
Wait. Can't Frasier
do the show without her?
This is a chat show.
Who's he going to chat with?
Me. I'll go on with him.
You?
Pull yourself
together, Roz!
I don't think so, Bebe.
Why not? All he
needs is someone
to suck up to him,
laugh at his jokes,
pretend to listen
to his stories.
I'm his agent; for God's sake,
that's what I do.
You know, I believe
she could pull it off.
The problem is,
she needs to be likable.
Right. Do I at least
get to keep the suit?
Hold on.
I can be likable.
I can also be very unlikable.
Maybe if you explained
the difference
to poor, confused Bebe.
For instance, what you were
doing in the dressing room
with the wardrobe girl
an hour ago--
would your wife find that
likable or unlikable?
Could you put some makeup
on this woman now?
Okay, folks.
60 seconds.
All right, Bebe,
just follow my lead.
I'll introduce us and then we'll
get to our guests, all right?
Now, wasn't our first guest
Susan Sontag?
Oh, she had a conflict.
Don't worry.
We got a fabulous replacement.
"Baby Leo, the world's biggest
two-year-old"?
You're going to love him.
Just remember
to lift with your legs.
That's it. This
is unacceptable.
Oh, now who's
the world's biggest baby?
I will not do this show!
We're live in five,
four, three, two...
(theme music plays)
Hi. Welcome
to A.M. Seattle.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
And I'm Bebe Glazer.
We're going to be
your hosts this week
and believe me,
we've got
some great shows
lined up for you.
But before we get
to our guests,
I'd like to take a few
moments to share with you
a few thoughts
I've prepared
on a very special
time of the day--
the time that we'll be
spending together--
Morning.
A new beginning.
A daily rebirth,
if you will.
What the hell is this?
Banter. Banter.
And even though
"A.M." stands for
"ante meridian,"
if you simply put them together,
they also make up the word "am,"
as in, "I am."
Whoa.
Not before my coffee.
As you can see, Frasier
has a way with words
but did you also know
that he has a way with voices?
Excuse me?
Who wants to hear Frasier's
famous Sean Connery impression?
(applause and cheering)
(imitating Sean Connery):
Now, now, Moneypenny,
you're embarrassing me.
(laughing)
Dr. Frasier Crane,
ladies and gentlemen.
Any more impressions, Frasier?
Maybe I should just...
Now, don't be shy.
Who wants to hear Frasier
do more impressions?
(applause and cheering)
It's just that I'd hate
to take time away
from our other guests.
I-I believe that...
(imitating James Mason): James Mason
may be stopping by to visit today.
(laughing)
Oh, yes!
This has been
some week.
It's really flown by.
Hasn't it?
Whoosh.
A whoosh.
I can't believe
it's time
for Thursday's
Kitchen Corner.
We'll be right back
with Chef Frasier.
Hang tight.
STAGE MANAGER:
And we're clear.
Bebe, Kitchen Corner?
I thought we had
the violin prodigy up next.
For God's sake, we bumped
Kim Lee twice this week.
I know, but we're running
short of time,
and the cooking segment
is gonna be boffo.
Well, all right, but I insist
Kim Lee play over
the closing credits.
All right?
We're not running
some sort of a tacky run-
of-the-mill morning show.
Here's your chef's costume.
Thank you.
Allow me, dear.
You know, Frasier.
Hmm?
The most magical thing
happened to me
last night during dinner.
Really?
I was recognized.
It's intoxicating,
isn't it?
Gosh, I myself,
no stranger
to celebrity,
have noticed
more heads
swiveling
in my direction.
Ooh.
(chuckles)
STAGE MANAGER:
We're back in five, four,
three, two...
Welcome back.
Frasier, I hear you're
quite the gourmet.
Oh, please.
I don't do
anything fancy.
A few soufflés,
a flambé or two.
Just good eats.
Now, this morning,
I'm going to be making
my signature
breakfast for you--
that's Eggs
Palermo Fontana.
Mmm. Makes
my mouth water.
But before we start,
I have a little
sweetheart backstage
who's dying to come out
and give you a hand.
Is it Kim Lee?
Not even close.
It's Bobo,
the cooking chimp.
Oh, that's very funny.
This has Matt's
fingerprints all over it.
We thought
it might be great fun
if you were to match
your skills against his.
FRASIER: Well, I don't know,
Bebe, uh...
Well, let's let
the audience decide.
How many of you
want to see the
monkey make eggs?
(applause)
How many of you want
to see Bobo make eggs?
Oh.
Just kidding.
Ouch.
Well, all right.
Apes before beauty.
(chuckles)
Frasier.
Bobo.
May the best chef win.
FRASIER: Now, the first rule
of haute cuisine
is to be sure you have
all your ingredients
at hand, you see.
We have eggs, milk, butter,
spinach, and, of course,
our old friend, the shallot.
(egg cracking)
Why, look at that.
He's not even
preheating the pan.
The beast.
Bobo's getting
an early lead.
Yeah.
It's very important
to keep your eggs
light and fluffy.
So, what you want to do
is add a bit of milk
and a touch of flour.
(Bebe yells)
Stop that.
(laughing)
Well, I...
Oh, he's a pesky
little chef, isn't he?
(Bebe laughing)
Oh, you crazy chimp.
Oh. Oh, my God.
And this whole thing
was improvised.
DAPHNE:
You're kidding.
It's like you
and the chimp
have been working
together for years.
Boy, that's great stuff,
Frasier.
You know, I can't
tell you how impressed
the guys at McGinty's
are that I have
such a famous son.
What do
they say?
Well, they don't say anything
to my face,
but when I walk in,
they kind of nudge
each other and whisper.
Oh.
(timer dings)
That will be me
Shepherd's Pie.
Shepherd's Pie?
I must confess,
there's a part of me
that wishes I could still do
the TV show.
(doorbell rings)
Well, there's a part
of me that wishes
that monkey was
cooking dinner
instead of you-know-who.
But we put our dreams away.
Oh, hi, Roz.
Well, don't you
look nice.
You're feeling better?
Yes, thank you.
Uh, can we talk?
Of course.
Come on in.
What's the matter?
Well, I talked
to my friends
in business affairs
and they say they're ready
to close our deals
but Bebe's
holding it up.
Of course, she's holding it up.
She's trying to
make them sweat a bit.
That's the
whole strategy
behind this TV
show-- leverage.
Yeah, well,
um, I heard a rumor
that A.M. Seattle isn't happy
with their regular hosts,
and I think
she's angling
for you
to take over.
So where does
that leave me?
Well, even if
that was Bebe's plan,
I mean, you're forgetting
that it's still my career,
and I'm calling the shots.
There is no way I would continue
doing A.M. Seattle.
You look like you're having
the time of your life.
I'm playing
a character.
There is a big difference
between Dr. Frasier Crane,
psychiatrist and Frasier Crane
the guy who starts
your morning right.
I tell you what.
I will speak to Bebe tomorrow
when we're in the chair.
That's the industry term
for when we're getting
our makeup put on.
Thanks, Frasier.
Yeah. Sure.
God, this is so weird.
Daphne usually has
such great taste.
What is she thinking
with these glasses?
Well, actually,
Roz, uh...
I've got to go see
what these
look like.
Hi, Roz.
Hey, Martin.
Hey.
Somebody ought to tell Mr. Doyle
she's wearing a dude's glasses.
Oh, Kiki,
you're a magician.
Frasier, you're not
going to believe
the wonderful news
I just got.
They want us to stay on.
What?
Yes.
We had the
highest ratings
the show's had
all year.
I don't
believe this.
Roz was right.
You had no intention
of renegotiating
my radio contract.
I don't expect
gratitude, Frasier--
just a little faith.
I finished your KACL contract
this morning.
You did?
And I did quite
a good job, I might add.
I'm sorry, Bebe.
I owe you
an apology.
Wow, this is wonderful.
I got an extra
week's vacation,
a very handsome raise.
It's garbage
compared to
what they'll give us
to stay on here.
You'll get
an expense account,
a wardrobe allowance,
not to mention
a car and driver.
No, no.
Let's not forget
why I took this job.
It was to raise
my profile
to get a better deal
with the radio contract.
We've done that, Bebe,
and I thank you.
You're welcome, darling.
And I respect
your choice.
Thanks.
Now, let's talk
about today's show.
Right.
We start with
the Friday Fiesta.
Here are our costumes.
Then we, uh, move on to
the Girl Scout
cookie-selling champion.
(crying):
Then we...
Bebe, are you
all right?
I've spent my life
in the wings.
It was just nice
having my moment
in the spotlight.
The rush when
that little red light
on the camera turns on.
The strip
of masking tape
on my dressing
room door
with my name on it.
The stage-door
Johnnies,
or whatever
that strange man
with the autograph
book calls himself.
Admit it, darling,
you want this
as much as I do.
I saw it in your eyes
during the pie
eating contest.
Nobody loves
blueberries that much.
It's the audience
you love.
MAN: Are you ready for
Bebe and Frasier?
(applause and cheers)
Listen to them.
They want you.
They do want me,
don't they?
Tell me to tear up
the contract, Frasier.
Maybe it is time
for a change.
Get away from him,
you she-thing!
Niles.
It's a good thing Dad
started choking on that peanut
or I'd have never have
come back here for water.
Stop this madness.
He can't stop it.
No one can.
Show business
is in his blood.
No, psychiatry is.
Frasier, you're a healer.
Anyone can heal.
You're better than that.
You're an entertainer.
Oh, God, Niles.
She's right.
I love the audience.
I know
it's shallow,
but it makes me
feel alive.
Do you have
any idea
how ridiculous you
look in this outfit?
Frasier,
I know I sometimes make light
of your radio show,
but the truth is,
you provide help and hope
and comfort to people
who need it.
I have always envied you that.
Don't listen
to that drivel!
He's right, Bebe.
I'm a psychiatrist.
I can't do
this show anymore.
I'm sorry.
Then quit.
Who needs you?
I'll find some other
stuffed shirt
who's happy to ride
my coattails to fame.
Niles, you're a doctor.
Niles, don't look into her eyes!
Well, that's it.
The dream is over.
30 seconds.
But I'm still a professional.
There's an audience out there
waiting for two people
to ride in on a donkey.
I don't know about you...
...but I'm not going
to let them down.
It's your last show.
Get out there.
Thanks, brother,
for keeping me grounded.
Vaya con dios.
ANNOUNCER: Here they are,
Bebe and Frasier!
♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪
(laughing)
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Good night!