Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 15 - Out with Dad - full transcript

Frasier plans to introduce himself to a beautiful woman he has seen at the opera, but brings Martin along to the opera so as not to look lonely. The woman's mother takes a shine to Martin, and he pretends to be gay to deflect her advances. Frasier makes his overture, and Emily comes to his apartment for a nightcap, bringing along her uncle, Edward, as a date for Martin.

ROZ:
Hey, Martin.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, thanks, Roz.

So, you're with us
tonight, huh?

Yeah. We rented a couple
of sad chick movies.

Oh, it's not like you
not to have a date

on Valentine's Day.

Tell me. I usually try
for a second seating.

(chuckles)

And you'd think
that being engaged,

I'd have a guaranteed date,
but no...



Donny had to
go to Florida.

His grandmother.

She'd do anything
to come between us.

Oh, what'd she do this time?

She died.

Good Lord,
where is Niles?

I don't want to be late
for the opera.

Are you going out with Niles
on Valentine's Day?

Well, it's a subscription
series, you see.

We got these tickets
months ago.

We had no idea
what day this fell on.

So Dr. Crane's not spending
tonight with Mel?

FRASIER:
No. She's going out of town.

Some sort of medical conference.
(doorbell rings)



You know, actually,
I'm sorry for Niles,

but, uh, I'm rather glad
to be having

an old-fashioned
boys' night out.

I can't wait, either.

I-I'll see you
in 20 minutes, valentine.

(kissing sound)

That had better be
the seat duster

in our opera box.

Oh...

No, it was Mel.

At the last minute, she decided
to skip her conference.

So... I'll be going
to the opera by myself.

Oh! Well, here's a thought:

If you give Mel
your opera ticket,

then you won't have
to be alone.

You can stay here
and-and watch fun movies

with Roz and Daphne.

Ooh.

Dying Young.

It's a... classic.

FRASIER:
I am surprised by your gall.

At the last moment,
you-you not only bail on me,

you expect me to give up
my own ticket?!

Please, Frasier,
put yourself in my shoes.

I have to do something for Mel.

Every restaurant in town's
been booked for weeks.

I ran into Archie
Wilfong today.

He told me he had to settle
for two seats at the counter

at The Salad Experience.

What would you suggest I do?

Bring your own wine
and order the spicy Caesar.

May your opera box
be full of cellophane crinklers

and the stage swarming
with standbys.

Get out!

He goes too far.

Yeah, some nerve--

ditching you
to spend Valentine's Day

with his girlfriend.

Look, Fras,

I don't blame
you for being

a little jealous 'cause
he's got someone,

and you don't...
I am not jealous, Dad.

I am simply
appalled

by his rudeness.

I was looking forward
to this evening.

Nice drink...
lovely opera...

then a late supper...

perhaps a beautiful bottle
of wine,

and a delightful...
dessert soufflé...

Oh, God, I need a woman.

Remember
my friend Rowena?

She's much prettier
since her surgery.

You look at her face,

and you can't even tell
where it used to be.

Thank you, Daphne,
but, uh...

actually, I
already have

someone in mind, you see.

There's a stunning woman

who comes to the opera
on the same nights we do.

She has the box
right across from ours.

We've flirted a bit
from a distance.

I have laughed with
her during Figaro,

and I've cried with her
during Tosca.

I even had a dream
about her

during "Einstein
on the Beach."

Well, don't just stare
at her, make a move.

FRASIER:
I will, Roz!

Tonight's the night.

By the finale,
I'll have made my overture.

Dad, would you please come
with me?

To the opera?
Please?

What do you
need me for?

Dad, look, I-I can't go
with a woman

because then she'll think
I'm on a date,

and if I go alone, she'll think
I couldn't get a date.

You would look
pretty pathetic.

Oh, geez.

Or you can stay
home with us

and watch sad movies.

Sophie's Choice.

I'll say it is.

(crowd murmuring)
MARTIN: Is she here yet?

FRASIER:
No, not yet.

That's her box over
there-- the empty one.

Well, I'm not going to sit
through a whole opera

for some woman
who's not even here.

Oh, for God sakes, Dad,
give it a chance.

You might actually learn
to like it

if you'd listen to one.

Hey, your mother dragged me
to a lot of these things

when we were dating,
and they were all stupid.

These stories make
no sense whatsoever.

Oh, that is not true.

Oh, all right,
what's this one about?

Well, it's about
Rigoletto--

the hunchback jester

in the court
of the duke.

He has a
daughter, Gilda,

who's secretly
living with him,

but everyone thinks
that she's his mistress.

In this opening scene,

Rigoletto mocks
the duke's enemy,

who puts a
curse on him.

A cursed hunchback
dating his daughter.

Well, nothing screwy
so far.

He is not dating
his daughter.

Gilda is being
courted by the duke,

who is disguised
as a humble student.

You see, that's what I mean.

The whole thing's
so unrealistic.

Everybody's in love

and pretending to be
somebody they're not,

and they're all swooning
and gasping...

(gasps)

See, exactly.
Who acts that way?

No, Dad, Dad, she's
here, she's here,

and she's not
on a date.

That must be
her mother.

(gasps):
Wow. You're right.

She is a looker,
all right.

All right, don't
gawk, don't gawk.

She'll notice. Well,
I thought that was the point.

No, no, Dad. You got to
get her attention.

No, Dad, Dad, please!

Don't wave, don't...!

Just-just keep your eye
on the stage.

All right, but I bet you
that gets results.

Oh.
Oh.

You're right, Dad, it did.

(gasping)

Oh, God, I wasn't waving at her.

I was waving at the daughter.

FRASIER: Mm-hmm.
(chuckling)

Well, that's not what the
mother seems to think.

I think she likes you.

Wave back.

No. I don't want to.

Come on, wave back.
(music begins)

You started it.
Wave back to her.

Aw, geez.

Hunchback's got
kind of a nice voice,

but the daughter's
kind of screechy.

Yeah, well, she's
no Renata Tebaldi.

FRASIER:
Gosh, I don't see them. Do you?

Oh, I bet you the old one's
in the ladies' room,

putting on more war paint.

FRASIER:
Oh, there they are.

Just try
to be nice, Dad.

If you are rude
to the mother,

you will ruin my chances
with the daughter.

Well, we finally meet.

I feel like we're
practically old friends.

Yes.

I'm Helen Browning.

This is my daughter, Emily.

Ah.
Ah.

Hello. I'm Frasier Crane.

Uh, this is my father,

Martin Crane.
Hi, how are you?

(all greeting each other)

Uh, well, uh...

can we get you
some champagne?

Oh, we'd love it.

Thank you.
Let me give you a hand.

No, Dad,
you know what, Dad?

We can manage. Uh...

Oh.
Why don't you two stay

and have
a nice little chat?

Okay.

Lovely production,
isn't it?

Mm...
I adore Verdi.

Oh, he's my favorite.

Though, the woman
singing Gilda's a bit off.

Mm, she's no Renata Tebaldi.

You know,

if you like Verdi so much,

I happen to have a spare ticket
to Aida next week.

Oh, that sounds great,

but, uh, if it's a week
from tonight, I'm busy.

I'm sorry.

Actually, it's
next Thursday.

Oh! Thursd...

Oh, you know,
there's this thing

at my, uh...
uh, my wine club.

Oh, that's all right, Martin.
We just met.

I shouldn't have asked, and...

Oh, no, no, no,
Helen,

it's got nothing
to do with you. It's me.

I'm-I'm afraid I've given you
the wrong impression of myself.

You see, the truth is, I'm...

Gay.

Uh, right. Gay.

I thought you might be.

How many straight men
remember Renata Tebaldi?

(chuckles):
Not many.

Well, I'm sorry
if I was too forward.

It's just that sometimes
it's so hard to meet nice men.

Tell me.

(laughs)

Here we are.

Uh, Dad, uh...
Thank you.

Actually, uh,
good news.

Emily has agreed

to join me
for a nightcap

after the opera
and cast her eye

over my African
art collection.

(chimes ringing)

Oh.
Oh.

Well, very nice
meeting you.

MARTIN:
Nice meeting you, too.

Bye.
So, I'll see you later?

Yes.
All right.

So, how did it
go with Helen?

You didn't offend
her, did you?

No. Not at all.

Turns out
I'm not her type.

Well?
Opera queen.

Oh. Sorry.

Though, you know
who'd he'd be perfect for?

Yes!

You know,
he's here tonight.

I'll bring him.

(chimes ringing)

All right, Dad, we'd
better hurry up.

Don't want to miss
the second act.

Oh, who cares?

Just be more
goofy stuff

that never happens
in real life.

(dramatic score playing)

How was
the opera?

Lovely. Get out.

Hey! That movie's
not over.

FRASIER:
That's too bad, Roz.

There's a stunning woman
on her way over here.

I don't want her thinking
I'm running

some sort of a maudlin
sorority house.

Now, come on.
Shake a leg.

You actually spoke
to her?

You didn't wimp out?

You have never seen me so suave.

Oh, some
Valentine's Day.

First my date
bails on me,

and now I owe Daphne
50 bucks.

Well, hello there.

Will you be my Ballantine?

Dad, will you go get
a glass, please?

Oh, all right.
(doorbell rings)

FRASIER:
And drink it quickly!

The last thing I need tonight

is some third wheel
cramping my style.

Hello.

Hello.
EMILY: I hope you don't mind.

Edward here
was at the opera, too.

He's, uh, my partner.

Your partner?
EDWARD: At the gallery.

I'm also her uncle.

Oh. When you said, "partner,"

I thought you meant
romantic partner.

Oh.

Hardly.

Well, I'm, uh... I'm Frasier.

Pleasure. What a marvelous view!
Thank you.

Oh.
May I?

Yes, please.

Your father.

Is he... dating
anyone at the moment?

Well, uh... no,

but if you're thinking
about your mother,

I-I'm afraid they're not
really right for each other.

(laughs)

Yes, I know.
I meant... Edward.

Your uncle?

Yes.

And my father?

They're both single,
they love opera,

and they were both
married with kids

when they came
out of the closet.

Your dad told my
mother all about it.

Oh, did he? Ah.

Well, she asked him out,

and he had to be honest
with her.

Hi there.

Yes. Nothing like
a little honesty

to diffuse
an awkward situation.

Oh. Hi there.
How are you?

Here. Let me take
your coat.

Uh, Dad, this is Edward,
uh, Emily's uncle.

He's her partner
in her art gallery.

Uh, Edward, this is
my father, Martin.

Pleased to meet you,
Martin.

Uh, same here.

And my friends call me Marty.

Then Marty it is.

(laughing)

I love what you've done
with this place.

It's the perfect blend
of sleek elegance...

and audacious whimsy.

Oh.

You like it, huh?

You know, Edward's
my favorite name.

Really?
Yes.

I even call
my dog Eddie.

Eddie! Yeah, see?
Here he is.

Oh...

A Jack Russell.

He loves Jack
Russells.

I have three of them.

All girls.

Oh, well, we ought
to get them together.

Who knows, maybe a little
romance will bloom.

You know, Dad,
maybe we should go

fetch our new friends
some, uh, drinks.

EMILY: Uh, I'd love
some white wine.

How about you, Ed?

Why not a beer?

Oh... a man after
my own heart.

(laughs)

Boy, you are
really something.

What?

You actually told
Emily's mother

that you were gay?

Well, you said
not to offend her.

I thought that was
a pretty good way

to get her
to cool her jets

without hurting
her feelings.

(chuckles)

Dad, there's something
you don't understand.

You see, she told Emily.

She got a problem with it?

Oh, no, she's pretty okay
with it.

Oh.

Oh, I get it-- you're worried
she'll know I'm straight

and find out I've been lying
to her mother.

Dad...

Oh, well, don't
worry about it.

I'll gay it up
a little.

Emily, have I told
you I love your hair?

Oh.

Thank you, Martin.

It's divine.

Frasier, these pieces
are wonderful.

Oh.
You have exquisite taste.

Oh, he gets
that from me.

Yes, it was worth
all the hours

I dragged him around
to the museums

and the antique shops

and teaching
him about art

and, you know...
upholstery.

Were you in the arts?

Oh, well,
actually, Ed...

Dad was a cop.

Really?
Mm-hmm.

The, uh, uniform and everything?

Yeah. In fact, uh, that's
what happened to my hip.

I took a-a-a bullet trying
to break up a robbery.

Yeah, I called
for backup,

but it never
showed up.

(sighs):
Because you were gay.

Don't think I didn't
wonder about that.

Yes, that was the day
I came out.

Lying in that alley
covered with blood,

a bullet in my
hip, and I said,

"That's it.
I'm gay.

"I like myself,

and I'm not living
a lie anymore."

I had exactly the same
experience when I came out.

Not exactly,
perhaps.

Yours was a bullet
in the hip.

For me, it was a Lufthansa
steward named Gunter.

What did I tell you?

I knew they'd hit it off.

Yes, I had a
feeling myself.

And you didn't say
a word, you scamp.

Uh, Frasier,
why don't you come

help me get some snacks
for everybody?

All right.

If you'll excuse us.

You didn't tell me
this was a setup.

Well, how blind
can you be, Dad?

He didn't seem gay
to you?

He's English;
they all seem gay.

Oh, Lord.

Well, we're just going to
have to tell them the truth.

Oh, what, you found
her mother so unattractive

you pretended to be gay?

Dad, Emily is
the most fabulous woman

I have met in ages,

and if you screw
this up for me,

I will never forgive you,

so just be nice,
all right?

Well, what if he asks me
for a date?

I have news for you:
You're on a date.

Daphne.
We've just been chatting

with your delightful
physical therapist, Marty.

Oh, he's a charmer,
this one.

Now aren't you
glad you went

to the opera?

I keep telling him
he should get out more,

meet people.

Most nights
he just sits here alone

watching the telly.

He's the exact same way.

He'll watch anything.
Yeah.

With him, it's
mostly sports.

Just give him a bunch
of sweaty men

chasing each other
around a field...

Daphne.

Excuse me.

Where are we, uh, keeping
the Camembert these days?

Same place
we always do.

(under breath):
Get in the kitchen.

You were smart
to hire a woman

for physical therapy.

Much safer than a man.

Edward sprained
his leg last year...

All right, Emily.

I never trusted
that man.

All right, Emily.

And why you loaned
him your boat...

(under breath):
All right, Emily!

(Daphne laughing)

Here we are.

Thank you,
Frasier.

I would love to see

the rest of the apartment,
if it's no trouble.

Why, that's no
trouble at all.

Uh, Frasier, can-can I just...
Now, Dad,

don't worry.

I will close the door
to your room.

You should see him whenever
he gets ready for the opera.

Clothes everywhere.

Well, I'm off to bed.

Oh, no, no, no.
Uh, Daph!

Uh, Daphne,
why don't you join us?

Oh, no, no, no.

Three's a crowd.

So...

(both laughing)

So...

Our loved ones seemed determined
to thrust us together.

Well, don't let
them pressure you.

Oh.

Congratulations, Marty,
on having raised

such a splendid son.

Oh.
I envy you your bond.

Uh, you have kids?

Just one.

George. He's 35...

and he has consecrated
his life to bowling.

Oh.

I join him
when I can, but...

You're not
wild about it.

No. I mean...

the shoes.

(Martin laughs)

Strange, isn't it,

the-the things we'll do
to be close to our children?

Oh, yeah.

I've let Frasier drag me

to all kinds of places
I didn't want to go to

just so that I could
spend some time with him.

You know, sometimes,

it's hard to humor
your kids, but...

It's what we do.

We're fathers.

Exactly.

Marty...

would you be free
for dinner sometime?

Oh, gee, I, uh...

It's all right.
Never mind.

No, no, no, no, I-I-I
mean, I'd love to.

It's just that, uh...

No need to explain.

No, no, really, Ed,

it's not you--
you're a great guy.

It's just that I'm...
dating someone.

Marty, you don't have
to spare my feelings.

No, no, really, it's true.

Hello.
Darling!

Sorry.

Am I interrupting
something?

Oh, not a thing, honey.

Just take off your coat
and stay a while.

Okay, um...

I, uh, I felt bad

about that
squabble earlier,

so I thought
I'd drop off

this little
peace offering.

(laughs)

As if I could stay mad
at you.

Uh, Edward, uh, this is
my boyfriend, Niles.

Uh... Niles, uh,
this is Edward.

We met at the opera
tonight.

Delighted.
Hello.

You needn't look
so startled.

I assure you,
there's nothing funny going on.

Oh, good.

Well, uh, why don't
we go put this on ice?

Of course, the finest
Gilda ever sung

was by the great
Mathilde DeCagny.

I actually have
the recording.

I'd love to hear it.

Where's Dad?

He's in the kitchen
with his boyfriend.

FRASIER:
Oh.

Niles, what
brings you here?

Well, it's my place, too.

I can have company
if I want.

Emily, this is Niles.

Hello.
Hi.

Um...

I didn't realize

your father
was seeing someone.

Well, actually, I-I
didn't think he was.

Um... since when
are you two an item?

MARTIN:
Oh.

Few weeks now.

We-we didn't say anything
about it yet,

because... well...

So many reasons.

You know,

it's getting late, Emily.

EMILY:
Oh, yes.

We should be going.

No, no, please, please,

stay for just
five more minutes.

I-I have a very special
old port

that I'd love
for you to sample.

(whispering):
Niles.

How could
you do this to me?

This was not my idea.

Niles... Emily just kissed me
in the bedroom,

and now she's leaving.

I have never been
so embarrassed in my life.

You're embarrassed?

They think the best I can do
is an old man with a cane.

You have got
to fix this.

Oh, and how am I
supposed to do that?

Well, isn't it obvious?
You've got to dump Dad.

Ah, here we are.

You really must

try this.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

So, Niles,
you actually,

uh, missed a-a splendid evening
at the opera.

Well, maybe I
can catch it

this weekend
with Mel.

Oh, and who's Mel?

Damn you and your
jealous questions!

You don't own me!

MARTIN:
Niles!

I was only asking.
You're always asking,

badgering, spying on me.

Well, I won't
be suffocated anymore.

I'm tired of being
your trophy boy.

It's over,
you hear me? Over!

And I'm keeping the jewelry.

Oh, Dad.

I'm so sorry.

Is there anything we can do?

No, I'll be all right. I...

I guess I always knew
it wouldn't last.

Marty...

the young ones never stay.

I know what will cheer you up.

That Rigoletto recording.

Oh, yes, splendid.

You know, Emily,
I'd love to hear it,

but that shipment
is arriving

bright and early.

Oh, right.

Uh, Frasier,

I wish I could stay,

but I'm Edward's ride.

FRASIER:
Yes, what a shame.

Well, I-I guess this
is good night, then.

MARTIN:
No, no, wait a minute.

Emily, uh...

why don't you just
stay here with Frasier

and enjoy the music.

I'll give Edward a ride home.

You would do
that, Dad?

Happy Valentine's Day, son.

Thanks, Dad.
All right,

good night.
Good night.

BOTH:
Good night.

(music playing)

It was so sweet
of your father to do that.

He really loves you,
doesn't he?

(chuckles)

You have no idea.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues
a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Quite stylish ♪

♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪

(laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Thank you!