Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 14 - Big Crane on Campus - full transcript

Frasier, thank
God you're here.

Why, what's wrong, Roz?

My book club
meets tonight,

and I haven't
read the book.

Oh, my, that is
a literary 911.

I know.

Wait. You joined a book club?

Why is that so
hard to believe?

I like to read.

What's his name?

Jason.



Uh-huh.

We met at
a bookstore,

and he asked me
to join his club.

He's separated,
but I think it's for keeps.

He was buying
Divorce for Dummies.

Sounds like a real catch, Roz.

Anyway, I was
supposed to read

The Great Gatsby
last night,

but I couldn't get
Alice to sleep,

so could you give
me a quick summary?

Well, all right.

Uh, it was a time known
as the Jazz Age.

Wall Street was booming,
bootleg hooch was flowing,

and the young people
were doing a new dance



called the Charleston.

Where were you
when I was trying

to get Alice to sleep?

Could you just get
to it already?

Well, all right, fine.

Lorna Lenley.

Okay, who's she,
Gatsby's girlfriend?

The woman
who just walked in.

She was the great beauty
of my high school.

She had brains, looks, style...

and the way she filled out
a mohair sweater...

well, suffice it to say,

it was snugger on her
than on the goat.

Why don't you go
over and say hello?

Oh, God, Roz, she wouldn't
even remember me.

She was with the in crowd.

The only people who knew me
debated, recited

or were on a six-month visit
from Abu Dhabi.

Oh, God, she's coming over.
She's coming over!

She's coming over!

Excuse me.

Didn't we go
to high school together?

Did we?

Yes. I thought
you looked familiar.

You're Frasier,
aren't you?

Well, that's right.

Um... all right,
let me guess.

Um... Lisa?

Lorna.

FRASIER:
Oh, yes, of course.

Lorna, hello.

Uh, Roz, I'd like you
to meet Lorna Anne Lenley.

Was that... anywhere close?

Wow, very good.

Although it's
Gardener now,

but I'm going back
to Lenley.

I was just recently
divorced.

Oh, gosh,
I'm sorry to hear that.

Roz, our chatting isn't, uh,

bothering your reading,
is it?

Oh, no. Actually, I...

Oh, right.

Off I go.

So, uh, I-I'm divorced
myself, actually.

Yes, I know that.

I listen to your show.

Really?

Well, I sell
real estate,

so I'm in my
car all the time,

so whenever I can,
I turn you on.

Oh, my.

(phone ringing)

Oh, that's me.

Excuse me, I
have to get that.

No problemo.

Roz...

she's just as lovely as ever.

So, you going
to ask her out?

Oh, right.

"Legs" Lenley and
Crane "The Brain."

In my dreams.

Frasier, you act

like you're still
some gawky teenager.

You're a charming,
successful man.

Well, thank you, Roz.

No problemo.

Excuse me.
I-I have to go show a house.

Frasier, it was really nice
to see you again.

Oh, likewise.

Uh, Lorna, listen,

I-I realize that, uh,
this is out of the blue

and that you're very busy,

but I was wondering
if you might like to, uh...

Yes?

...appraise my apartment.

See, I've decided to sell it.

Sure. Be happy to.

In fact, I'm free tonight.

Really? Uh, well, how's 7:00?

Uh, I live
at the Elliott Bay Towers.

Oh, wow, what a great building.

Yes, well...

You've certainly done well
for yourself.

Yes, well, I think

you'll find that
we've both come

a long way since
high school.

Oh, you know, here, let me...
let me carry those for you.

Oh. Thank you.

Dad, she'll be here
any minute.

MARTIN:
Okay, okay, I'm leaving.

Listen, I'm sorry
to uproot you like this.

It's just...
Oh, it's all right.

I'd rather clear the decks
for a date

than for one
of your theme parties.

Although I am
kind of sorry

I missed an evening
with Moe Howard.

That was Noel Coward.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, hey.
Hey, Dad.

Oh, Niles, what are
you doing here?

Well, I've got a crisis.

Uh, tomorrow's Mel's birthday,

and I'm planning
a very romantic evening,

but my Gaggenau is on the fritz.

Oh, geez, I don't need
to hear this.

No, Dad...

it's a stove.

I know. Six burners
and a griddle.

Don't you guys ever talk
about cars?

Frasier, I'm desperate.

Can I possibly use
your kitchen tomorrow

to prepare the meal?
Yes, of course, Niles,

but, listen,
now you-you've got to go.

I have a date.

Oh?

Anyone I know?

As a matter of fact, yes.

Lorna Lenley.

Oh! No, really, who?

No, it's true. I-I bumped
into her today at the cafe.

Lorna Lenley?
Mm-hmm.

You, sir, have moxie.

Well...

Why, even with all
my vested authority

as hall monitor,
I could never muster

the courage to ask to see
her bathroom pass,

and you asked her out?

Well...

I bow down before you.
I doff my cap to you.

Well, actually, it's...

it's not really a date.

I knew it.

You see, she's coming over
to appraise the apartment.

She's in real estate.

I tried to ask her
out and I choked.

I did get the impression

that she was interested
in me, though.

Well, of course she is.
Oh, and the coach called.

You're starting
the big game on Sunday.

That's very funny, Niles.

All right, off you go, now.
Come on.

No, I want to see Lorna.

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, Niles, no.

You have to go.
(doorbell ringing)

Is that her?

She's here.
All right, okay, okay.

But, look...

you get one quick hello,

and then you're gone,
mister.

Hello, Frasier.

Lorna, good to see you again.

Uh, perhaps you remember
my brother Niles.

Yes, hello, Niles.

Well, now that you two
have had a chance to catch up,

I'll see you later, Niles.

Nice to see you again, Niles.

(chuckling)

Oh, Frasier, wow!

What a great apartment.

FRASIER:
Thank you.

Why are you selling it?

Oh, I don't want to bore you
with the details.

It's a very long,
very complicated story.

I'd love to hear it.

Uh, well...

I need more closet space.

Could I interest you
in some wine?

Oh, I would love some.

Ah.

Do you remember Chip Clayton's
graduation party?

Remember, we broke into
his father's liquor cabinet

and we made sangria
out of a $100 bottle of wine?

(chuckles)

Thank you.
No.

You know what?

I should make
some notes

on your apartment.

FRASIER:
What are you doing?

Tell her why
you really asked her over

and drop
this ridiculous charade.

You're not 16 years old
any longer.

Frasier, I'd love
to see your bedroom.

Of course.

Lorna Lenley wants
to see my bedroom!

Oh, Frasier, wow,
another great room.

Thank you.

Is this bed
Scandinavian?

You have a good eye.

Lorna Lenley's on my bed!

Stop acting like an adolescent!

Frasier, are you all right?

No.

No, actually, Lorna,
I'm not all right. Uh...

you see, when I saw
you this afternoon,

I immediately flashed back
to the hopeless crush

I had on you in high school.

Of course, it didn't
help matters much

that you've
hardly changed a bit,

and I wanted to ask you out
and I-I lost my nerve.

You mean, all of this

was just a ruse
to get me up here?

I'm afraid so.

So now that I've sufficiently
embarrassed myself,

I'll show you out.

You know, Frasier,
I have to say,

I'm really
very flattered.

Really?

Yes.

You know, it's not too late
to ask me out.

Would you like to have dinner
with me this evening?

I'd love to.

Wonderful.

I'm going out
with Lorna Lenley!

Hi.

Hi.

Mm, I had a wonderful
time last night.

Me, too.

It was like being back
in high school...

but with sex.

(laughing)

Oh, I don't want
this to end.

I must warn you,
now that I've learned

to finally ask you out,
I'll be doing

a lot more of it.

Are you free this evening?

See, there I go already.

(chuckles)

How about
tomorrow night?

Somebody stop me.

Not me.

I wonder what
time it is.

Mm. Oh.

It's 10:00.

Oh, crap! I'm late!

Is there something
I can do?

Oh, yeah, make this
lousy hangover go away.

Where the hell
are those aspirin?

You know, perhaps I should get
you a glass of water for those.

Uh, would you prefer
sparkling or still...

or not.

I see you're fine.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you want to finish this?

No, no,
you're the guest.

Yeah, it's me.
I'm running late.

Move my 10:30 to 11:30.

Just move
it to 11:30!

I didn't realize
you smoked.

Oh, yeah, I'm always
trying to quit,

buy my weight
just balloons up.

I mean, trust me,
you don't want to see my ass

when I'm off these things.

You know, I hate
to be a-a fusspot,

but I'd prefer...

(phone ringing)

Yeah.

Well, who let the dog in?

Put your brother on.

Put your brother on!

(yelling):
Put your brother on!

Oh, will you be a sweetie
and make me some coffee?

Okay.

Well, you know that mess
better be cleaned up

by the time
I get home.

Both of you.

Put your brother on.

Put your brother on!

(yelling):
Put your brother on the phone!

Oh, this is nice.

I still don't understand

why you have to do
all the cooking.

Why don't you just take
Mel out for a nice meal?

Oh, well, because
through cooking,

I can truly express
my feelings for her.

You know, the French
have a saying...

Okay, okay.

I was just making
conversation

till we got home.

Oh, hi, Dad.
Hey.

Frasier...
Hello, Niles.

I could really use
some help preparing

this dish today
if you're not busy.

Oh gosh, Niles, I've got
a lot of errands to run.

You know,
why don't you ask Daphne?

Uh, all right, all right.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.
How did things go with Lorna?

Oh... Did you summon up
the courage

to ask her out?

Well, actually...

oh, come on, Frasier,
seize the moment.

Faint heart never won fair lady.

You know, the French
have a saying...

Morning, Niles.
Hey...

Walk me out.

Mm.

I have some
really great news.

Really? Do tell.

Well, I called my office,

and after my 11:30,

I'm free for the
rest of the day.

Oh, well, what are
you planning on doing?

Hmm, being with you,
silly.

Excuse me.

I'm coming!

You know, you are
the best thing

that's happened to me
in a long time.

I'm in. You happy?

Whisk.

Spoon.

Cheese cloth.

(timer dings)

Perfect timing. Mm.

Daphne, open the oven.

Ah.

Ready.

Shall I close,
Dr. Crane?

Please.

Do you think it'll be all right?

It's out of our hands now,
Daphne.

(chuckles):
Ow...

Thank you
for your help.

Oh, my pleasure.

I haven't this much fun
in the kitchen

since your brother caught
his tie in the pasta machine.

Oh, and the real fun's
just beginning.

Clean up... Ow!

Oh, oh, you silly sod.

Here, run it under
some cold water.

I'll fetch
the aloe cream.

Oh... dear.

Come here.

Oh, this will help.

I can't believe
I just did that.

Oh, I do that sort of thing
all the time.

You have to be careful.

Those pan handles get
awfully hot.

Oh, well, not anymore.

It's got a protective
coating of skin on it now.

Just give it a minute to absorb.

Oh, it'll be fine.

It's feeling
better already.

Thanks, Daphne.

MARTIN:
Hey, what's up?

Nothing. Why should
anything be up?

Dr. Crane burned his hand,
and I was tending to it.

That's all.

Oh, my.

Look at the time.
I've got to run.

Burn, huh?

Well, you might want to keep
something cold on that.

Here.

You can hold
my beer for me

while I watch
the game.

Hello, Frasier.

Oh, hello, Niles.
How are you?

Fine, fine...

although the oddest thing
just happened.

Oh, that man on the corner's
name is Pete.

If you give him a dollar,
his monkey won't make

those rude gestures.

No, this is
about Daphne.

I burned my hand
while I was cooking,

and she began
putting first aid cream on it

in a very tender way,

and then, uh, Dad came in,
and she jumped

as if she
felt guilty.

Is it possible
Daphne has feelings for me?

No.

Ah, well, as long as you've
considered it from all angles.

If she was tender, it was
because you burned your hand.

If she jumped, it was
because Dad startled her.

Come on, Niles,
don't you see

what's really
going on here?

Obviously, I
haven't a clue.

I thought that man's monkey
was waving hello.

Your relationship with Mel
is growing deeper.

Isn't it possible
that your fear of commitment

is driving your mind
to throw up

these imaginary
roadblocks?

You think so? Well, you do
have a history of this.

Remember the day
after you proposed to Maris?

You went that evening
to the opera

and you were convinced
that Leontyne Price

was winking at you
the whole night.

I suppose there could be
commitment issues here.

Cooking a meal for one's mate
is a big first step.

Yes, especially for you.

I mean, Maris never let
you cook for her.

That's true.

The closest I ever
got was restocking

the pills in her
bedside Lazy Susan.

Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Roz.

Uh, Frasier,
thank you.

It's a big help.

My pleasure, Niles.

Bye.

Oh, Roz, I see the book club

has moved on
to Wuthering Heights.

ROZ:
Yes. Well...

Please tell me they made
a movie out of this.

Twice.

Amen.

So, how did your
date with Lorna go?

Did you get up
enough nerve

to ask her
to dinner?

To dinner
and breakfast.

We spent the night
together.

Whoa. You went to bed
with the prom queen?

Yes, and I woke up with Carrie.

She smokes, she screams,
she's uncouth...

I'm actually meeting her here
to break it off.

So soon?
Well...

The way your love life's
been going,

you may want to squeeze
a couple more dates out of it.

You know... nuts for the winter?

Please, Roz, I could never do
that sort of thing.

Whenever I know that I have
no future with a woman,

I end it right then and there.

Especially a woman
like Lorna--

recently divorced
and vulnerable.

You always take
the high road.

Well, you know,
I'd like to think so.

If it's one thing I've learned,
my old high school wounds

are not going to be healed
by sleeping with the prom queen.

Tell me about it.

Prom queen,
assistant principal...

You can't go home again.

Good luck.

How you doing,
baby cakes?

Oh, fine.

Mm...
Mm...

Thank you.

Mm.

Listen, uh, Lorna,

about tomorrow night, um...

Oh, I'm sorry.

I know we had plans,
but I completely forgot.

It's the retirement
dinner for Coach Pellet.

Who?

Our high school
football coach.

I'd love it if
you'd go with me.

Well, I-I have to be honest
with you here...

Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.

The old gang
will be there.

The old gang, you say?

Uh-huh.

You mean, like, um...

Chip Clayton
and Ladd Lundquist?

Yeah, the whole crowd.

Can you imagine the
looks on their faces

when they see us
walk in together?

Yes, imagine.

Oh, come on,
say you'll be my date.

Well, I...

wouldn't want
to let down the coach.

You know, a spoon
would be nice!

Oh, everyone's
inside already.

I think we're
a little late.

Well, I guess
we'll just have to make

a grand entrance.

After you.

Oh, no, I have to
go check my makeup.

Well, uh, why tamper
with perfection?

Oh, aren't you sweet?

Shall we?

(phone ringing)

Sorry.

Hello.

What now?

What? What?

My phone's cutting out.

I'm sorry.
Just two seconds, sweetie.

(yelling):
No, you can't have a party!

Because I said so.
Put your brother on.

Put your brother on.
Put your...

Just-just a second,
honey.

...brother
on the phone!

You know what?
Do what you want.

I-I'm on a date.

Sorry.

You ready?

Oh, you know what?

This hook keeps
coming undone.

Right.
Do you mind?

You know, I just took
a look inside there.

Everybody's here,

even old Mr. Most-likely-
to-succeed Chip Clayton.

Chip Clayton's
a moron.

Well, you used to be
rather fond of him

back in school.

Well, everybody's
changed since high school...

except you.

Truly, you're...

you're still
the same sweet,

decent guy you
always were.

Thank you.

No, I mean it.

Believe me, I've been
with enough jerks and users

to know the difference.

Let's go.

Uh, Lorna...

I can't go in there with you.

Why not?

Well, because I came here
for the wrong reason--

so all the cool kids
would see me

with the school's
most popular girl,

and I let you believe
that we had...

hopes for some sort
of a future

when I know in my heart
that there is none,

and... well, if you
walked in there with me,

it would be as my trophy,

and I-I just can't
do that to you.

I-I'm so sorry.

You...

you expect me to
walk into a room

full of my
ex-classmates by myself?

Like some pathetic divorcée
who couldn't scare up date

for some old jock sendoff?

I don't think so.

Lorna, I...
You know, I thought

you'd be a nice
rebound fling.

Get my feet wet
dating again.

You don't want
that? That's fine.

Wait a minute... I'll tell you
what we are going to do!

You're going
to take my arm,

you're going to escort
me in that room,

we're going to dance,
make out like freshmen,

and leave with your
hand on my ass!

You got it?!

Shall we?

♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues
a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪

(laughing)

♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Frasier has left the building.