Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 13 - They're Playing Our Song - full transcript
All the on-air personalities are writing jingles to introduce their shows. Frasier typically overdoes when crafting his.
And we'll be right back
after this short news break.
Frasier...
Hmm?
I'm here to give you
an advance tip.
Really?
Hey, Gil.
Roz. I'm about
to review
a divine new
Italian trattoria
I've discovered
called Bella, Bella.
Uh-huh.
I'm alerting you now
because once I review it,
reservations will be
impossible to come by.
Oh, well, thank
you, Gil.
It's always gratifying
to be a few minutes
ahead of a trend.
They make an osso buco
that's so divine
I call it
the veal shank redemption.
Hey, guys.
Oh, Kenny.
Show's going great,
Frasier.
Only one thing missing,
of course.
I know, I know.
A new theme song.
I'm sorry, I just haven't
gotten around to it yet.
Mrs. Delafield's been
hounding me on this.
She really thinks each show
having a theme song
will help hook the listeners.
Gil's got his.
My first choice was
"Food, Glorious Food"
from the show Oliver!
Ooh, that's a perfect match.
Haute cuisine and a chorus
of starving orphans.
But then, a composer friend
of mine
came up with this little ditty
for me.
♪ Whether choosing a wine ♪
♪ Or the best place to dine ♪
♪ It's all a matter of taste ♪
♪ Yes, sir ♪
♪ It's all a matter of taste ♪
Great, huh?
And the nicest thing is
he didn't take a penny for it.
Well, at least he
has a conscience.
You know, Kenny,
I'm sorry for procrastinating
on this thing.
I tell you, I'll get one
as soon as I possibly can.
Well, you better
come up with
something here.
I'm sorry
to be a hard-ass--
it's the part of my job
I hate the most--
but I need this thing
on my desk, Monday-ish.
You know.
You know, Roz...
hearing Gil's little
ditty puts me in mind
that maybe we should just
do an original song.
My new boyfriend, Leon,
is in a band.
He could write one for you.
Actually, I was thinking
of composing it myself.
I'm not without musical ability,
you know.
Could you at least hire Leon
to accompany you?
I take it he's
desperate for work.
Hasn't had a gig
in months.
Music is all he knows.
He's not good
at anything else--
except in bed.
That's what he does best.
Yes.
How long did it take you
to find that out?
Ten seconds,
Frasier.
Oh, longer than usual.
Frasier.
Oh, Niles.
Oh, dear.
We had dinner plans tonight,
didn't we?
Yes. Don't tell me
you're canceling.
Well, I have to.
I have a little project
this evening.
Oh. Does this have to do
with the new theme song
you promised your listeners?
As a matter of fact,
it does.
I've got to have
something by Monday,
and I thought
I'd take advantage
of a nice, quiet
evening at home.
(vacuum cleaner whirring)
Oh...
Daphne!
Daphne,
would you please
turn off that
vacuum cleaner?
It's not a vacuum cleaner.
It's the Dirt Scourge 2000,
a total cleansing system.
Is it new?
Yeah. Got it this afternoon.
You see, this water traps
all the dirt particles
instead of recycling
them back into the air.
I got all that just
from Dr. Crane's pillow.
Ew.
I've been begging
you to switch
to a more
abrasive loofah.
No, it would be the
same for anyone.
Dead skin, dust mites...
That's what we're
all sleeping on
only we don't know it.
We do now. Jeez.
This is the chance
I've been waiting for.
(vacuum cleaner whirring)
(water bubbling)
Well, apparently,
the Dirt Scourge 2000
is no match for
the dirt pile 1957.
Well, this is going back.
On the commercial, they clean
all the mud off a hippopotamus.
Well, at least now
I can get down to work.
You know, Niles,
I'm sorry again about dinner,
but can I buy you a sherry?
Oh, thank you.
About this theme song
of yours...
why don't you just
use a standard?
Actually, I want
to compose one myself.
You see, I've always had
an affinity for music
and I've often
wondered
what I might achieve
if I just rolled up my sleeves
and gave it a try.
Didn't you write some kind of
musical back in prep school?
Yes, I did, Dad.
Niles was in it.
You know, the whole
school came out
humming my
opening anthem.
They went in humming it.
It was Beethoven's
Ninth Symphony note for note.
It was not.
It absolutely was.
It was not at all.
♪ We are valiant
men of honor ♪
♪ Wrenching, brawling sons... ♪
Well, all right,
all right, all right.
Well, I suppose I may have
borrowed a note or two
as a launching pad.
♪ Prancing, leaping,
laughing... ♪
All right,
point taken.
♪ Over hill and... ♪
Stop it!
I'm sorry I'm just teasing.
Actually, it was
a wonderful show.
I was very proud
to be acting in it.
And you know, Niles, you were
wonderful in it as well.
Well, thank you.
I thought so.
I often thought
if I'd kept at it,
I could have been
a professional actor.
Ah, you see?
We all have a road not taken,
some unfinished business
worth exploring.
Yeah, I always wanted
to be a toe dancer,
but a bullet ended my dream.
Well, Frasier, if you
need any help with this,
I'm right here.
Thank you, Niles.
I'd rather handle
the composing chores myself,
but I could use
a sounding board.
Fair enough. Let's put
our heads together.
Figuratively speaking,
of course.
I saw what came out
of your pillow.
(piano plays simple notes)
I think
this new bridge
is the best thing
you've written.
Really?
Oh, absolutely.
♪ Claustrophobia,
nymphomania ♪
♪ He will probe ya ♪
♪ He'll explain t'ya ♪
It's brilliant.
You know, it does
have a Cole Portery,
Stephen Sondheimy
flavor, doesn't it?
Absolutely. Yes.
Sondheimy would have killed
to have written this.
(chuckles)
You know what?
I'm a little nervous.
It just may be a bit
too conventional.
Perhaps instead
of a regular bridge
I could substitute it
with a dramatic monologue
spoken against
a musical background.
I like it.
Of course, I would
have to hire an actor.
Yes, I suppose you could
squander a lot of money
on some so-called
professional.
Someone who doesn't know
a thing about psychiatry.
Who doesn't understand
the whole gestalt.
Well, maybe you could do it.
I think so.
(laughs)
Oh, gosh, Niles.
I will write you a speech
that will challenge your
entire histrionic range.
This is so exciting.
Let's play the chorus again.
MARTIN:
Hey, Fras.
I just got an idea
for your little jingle.
Came to me while I
was brushing my teeth.
♪ What's new? I'm listenin' ♪
♪ Feelin' blue? I'm listenin' ♪
'Cause that's what
you say on your show.
♪ Feelin' sad,
feelin' mad, feelin' glad ♪
♪ Feelin' bad? I'm listenin'. ♪
Bravo.
That's wonderful.
Well, thanks.
You know, it's catchy--
that's what counts in a jingle.
That's very, very nice, Dad.
It's just that, well, you know,
I did promise my listeners
that I'd compose this myself.
It's no fair cheating.
Well, it's not cheating
technically.
Yes, very good, very good,
Dad, but thank you
Off you go.
Okay, all right.
Hey, um...
Frasier, are you sure
you want to modulate here?
That may just complicate things.
Perhaps.
You know, I'm just trying
to make it interesting.
To my ear, there's still
something lacking--
some tiny ingredient
that's missing.
I'm not sure what.
(musicians tuning instruments)
(tapping)
All right, everyone.
Let's try this again.
We still have a few minutes
before the choir gets here.
Well, finally, the choir
has deigned to join us.
Sorry. Our bus broke down.
We had to walk two miles
to get here.
Ah, well, then
I suppose we can
dispense
with the breathing exercises
I was going to recommend.
Please, if you would?
Off you go.
Frasier, did you mean to cut
paragraph five of my monologue?
Gosh, I might have, Niles.
I've just been so busy.
What was the gist?
A lighthearted lampoon of
mental health care abuse.
Ah. Yes, I did.
I was afraid
that some fussbudget
might take offense
at my jape about lobotomies.
Well, I suppose it's
best to play it safe.
Although I did like
the way you indicated
manic depression
with the slide whistle.
(chuckles)
Do we really have to
use so many musicians?
For the sound I want, yes.
Whatever happened to the
concept of "less is more"?
Ah, but if less is more,
then just think how much more
more will be.
You may be seated.
Ladies and gentlemen,
if I may have
your attention, please.
I'd like to take a few minutes
to explain my artistic vision.
Take as long as you want--
we're all on the clock.
Point well-taken.
Moving right along, then.
Frasier, I'm sorry we're late.
We got stuck in traffic.
Some stupid bus broke down.
This is Leon.
Ah. Hello, Leon.
Hey, Dr. Crane.
Lovely to meet you.
Listen, why don't
you help yourself
to the refreshment
table there.
I've got to have a
few words with Roz.
Roz, we've
got a problem.
In scoring this, I had
to eliminate the guitar part.
Well, put it back.
Well, I can't.
I'm afraid another instrument
might make things
sound cluttered.
Unless, of course,
Leon can play the bagpipe.
Bagpipe?
Yes.
Our show deals with the whole
range of human emotion,
from euphoria to despair,
and nothing says despair
so quickly
as the skirl of a bagpipe.
Nothing says "turn off
the radio" so quickly, either.
Isn't there something else
he can play?
Well, I... yes. Yes.
Actually, our triangle
player called in
with a touch
of tinnitus.
Here we are.
Leon, I have some good news
for you.
I had to eliminate
the guitar part,
but I'm promoting you
to first triangle.
I-I've never played
one of these.
It looks tricky.
I'll work with him.
Off you go.
Well, then, now, people,
um, before we start,
I was wondering, uh,
are there any questions?
Yes, Viola.
My name is Tiffany.
No, no, no. I'm calling you
by your instrument name
so as to avoid confusion.
Oh, well, I have a question
about measure 34.
Aha. I thought you might.
Yes, you see, I've accelerated
the tempo there
in order to depict the yearning
of the superego.
Very perceptive of you
to spot that.
No, I meant, are these
eighth notes or what?
Yes, eighth notes.
Anyone else?
Yes, Timpani?
You just answered my question.
Not Tiffany. Timpani.
What are we rehearsing this for?
Are we going to record it?
Yes. We are waiting
for the final go-ahead
from my station manager,
and then
we will be recording it. Yes.
Anyone else?
Yes... actor.
I'm just wondering
how my monologue
is going to be audible
over all these instruments.
Oh, that's a good point, Niles.
You may be seated.
It is imperative
that everyone play pianissimo
during the spoken portions,
very, very softly.
That applies particularly
to brass and timpani.
Why me?
To the drums, Tiffany.
Oh, Dad, Daphne!
I'm so glad you came.
Well, after all,
it is the world premiere
of your theme song.
I don't have to
search you two
for any hidden recording
devices, do I?
The last thing I need
is some bootleg CDs
flooding the marketplace.
Boy, you really got
everything here.
Oh, it's not a time
for stinting, Dad.
I've got everything from
the African rainstick
to the Javanese tam-tam.
Are the tam-tams the long ones
with the cream in the middle?
Oh, Kenny!
Kenny, I'm so glad
you made it.
Listen, I think you're in
for a bit of surprise.
Well, I got tell you,
I don't surprise easily...
whoa.
Our little ensemble.
So many musicians.
All working on a weekend.
Oh, now, listen.
I realize we are
a bit over budget
I promise, I will pick up
the difference myself.
All right, the time
has come to unveil
my magnum opus.
Just let me do
a little fine-tuning
on the opening fanfare.
Uh, brass,
if you will, please.
In four, the first measure.
(playing fanfare)
(fanfare ends)
Well, you see, that's-that's...
fine as far as it goes,
but this time I want you
to do it with a bit more...
grandeur--
with some majesty
and a soupcon of awe.
(playing fanfare
exactly as before)
There, you see?
That's what good
conducting can do, yes?
All right, everyone,
the time we've been waiting for
is at hand.
And with a...
simple bow of thanks
to the muse Calliope,
let us begin.
And...
(trumpets playing fanfare)
(orchestra playing)
♪ Whom can you turn to
for prompt diagnosis? ♪
♪ Of fetish or fantasy ♪
♪ Sex or psychosis? ♪
♪ No problem at all,
let us handle your call ♪
CHOIR:
♪On our show, on our show♪
♪ Bring us your traumas,
your latent neurosis: ♪
♪ Erectile dysfunction ♪
♪ Bed-wetting narcosis ♪
♪ There's no need for shame,
you can use a false name ♪
♪On our show, on our show♪
Who dares enter the dark
labyrinth of the human mind?
(high-pitched whine)
What festering secrets
are buried in the recesses
of the subconscious?
(chiming)
Lurid images...
(ringing)
Lewd desires...
(whistles)
Guilty pleasures...
strange compulsions...
(squawks)
The whole catalogue
of human behavior
from the aberrant
to the monstrous
lurks behind a locked door
to which one man holds the key!
(gong resounding)
♪ So if you are stymied
to find a prognosis ♪
♪ And ask yourself, just like
Freud, "Himmel, vas los ist?" ♪
♪ Stop scratching your head
and let us cure it instead ♪
CHOIR:
♪ On our show, on our show ♪
♪ Now here is the man
to explain ♪
♪ The tortured terrain
of your brain ♪
♪ The man who feels
everyone's pain: ♪
♪ Dr. Crane! ♪
♪ Dr. Crane! ♪
♪ Frasier Crane! ♪
(dings)
Way to go, Leon!
Well, Kenny,
what's your reaction?
Wow.
Takes your breath away,
doesn't it?
Wow.
I thought as much,
and in anticipation
of your approval,
I had the forethought
to order in a
little bubbly.
Niles, if you would
help me, please.
(laughing):
You were wonderful!
Thank you. The trombone
frightened me.
Wow.
That was sure something,
wasn't it?
I'll say.
Sort of like Gilbert
and Sullivan-- only frightening.
A little jingle,
that's all we wanted.
Ten seconds to
start the show.
Maybe Frasier
can cut this down.
He gives me harps
and drums and...
people speaking German.
All we wanted was
a simple little jingle.
Probably more like the one
you came up with.
Tell him yours,
Mr. Crane.
No, no, no.
It was nothing.
I can't even remember
how it goes.
Well, I do.
♪ How are you? I'm listen... ♪
It doesn't go like that.
Well, then, you sing it,
Mr. Crane.
Well, all right.
But, you know, it's
really nothing.
♪ What's new? I'm listenin' ♪
♪ Feelin' blue? I'm listenin' ♪
♪ Feelin' sad, feelin' mad ♪
♪ Feelin' bad, feelin' glad? ♪
♪ I'm listenin'. ♪
That's exactly the kind
of thing we're looking for!
You know,
it sets the mood.
It-it says it all.
Did that just pop
into you head?
Hardly.
It was gut-wrenching,
but, you know, it's nice to know
that I made it look easy.
No, no, no. I'm talking
about your dad's little jingle.
Dad's?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
he just sang it.
It's exactly the type
of thing we need.
You know, simple, catchy.
You know, we ought
to just use that one.
FRASIER:
No, no, no. Kenny, no.
No, if simple is
what you wanted,
you should've
just said so.
I thought I did.
Obviously not.
Now that I know what you want,
well, there's nothing easier.
Of course I can write simple.
I promise you, it'll be
something far more memorable
than what my dad came up with.
Well, I don't know.
I remember it.
♪ What's new? I'm listenin' ♪
(choir joins in):
♪ Feel blue? I'm listenin' ♪
♪ Feelin' sad, feelin' mad ♪
♪ Feelin' bad, feelin' glad? ♪
♪ I'm listenin'. ♪
You're off
the clock!
(playing ornate,
classical-sounding music)
(speeding up)
(playing
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat")
Hi, Fras.
How's it going?
"Merrily, merrily."
Well, now, it's getting
kind of late.
Maybe you should call it
a night, huh?
Dad, you heard Kenny.
I have to come up
with something
as simple as yours
by Monday.
By the way, thanks, once again
for completely upstaging me
today.
Oh, come on.
I'm sorry I stole your thunder,
but it's not like I did it
on purpose.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry. It's just...
I don't know why I'm having
such a hard time with this.
Well...
maybe you're just thinking
too much.
You know, look at me--
I go to bathroom,
I'm flossing my teeth
and that song pops
in my head.
Are you suggesting that
I bring out a spool of floss?
Well, it might not be a bad idea
for a couple of reasons.
Frasier, why don't you
just decide
what you want to say
and say it
without a lot of big words
and showing off.
You know, and the tune
should be something simple,
something you can whistle.
I tried whistling that thing
you wrote today,
and I got light-headed.
Of course it might've
been that last doughnut.
I went back for one of those
African rainsticks.
The truth is, Dad, I
I'm not sure I can do simple.
Well, I don't know if you can't
or if you just don't want to.
But some of the best things
in the world
are simple, Fras.
Just like that art gallery
you took me to
a couple months ago.
Do you remember?
You were oohing and aahing
over this painting
of a big, red dot.
Yeah, Dad. But there is a
difference between simple
and deceptively simple.
Well, all I'm saying is
that it's fine to be smart,
but you shouldn't have
to be proving it all the time,
that's all.
You know,
just as an experiment,
tell me what it is
you're trying to say
stripped down to nuts and bolts.
All right, um...
in my first stanza,
I want to represent myself
as the... ombudsman
between the conscious
and subconscious minds
of my listeners.
Ah. Well, there you are.
There's the song right there.
All we need
is a rhyme for "ombudsman,"
and we can go to bed.
I was playing around
with "north woodsman."
(laughing)
Oh, Frasier...
Look, I'm going to tell you
what your show's about:
People have a problem,
they're feeling low,
they call you,
you make them feel better.
Oh, for God's sake, Dad.
Well, that's it,
that's it.
Why don't you just write
about that?
How would that
sound exactly?
♪ If you've got a problem,
if you're feeling low ♪
♪ Looking for some answers... ♪
Oh, gosh, now I'm stuck.
How will I ever find
a rhyme for "low"?
Okay, smart aleck.
I was just trying to help.
Well, thanks, Dad.
I'm sorry. It's
just not my thing.
Okay, well,
I'm going to bed.
So, if you need
any help tomorrow,
all you got to do is ask.
Thanks, Dad.
(plays a note)
♪ If you've got a problem ♪
♪ If you're feeling low... ♪
♪ Looking for some answers... ♪
MARTIN:
♪ Things you need to know! ♪
FEMALE VOCALISTS:
♪ If you've got a problem ♪
♪ If you're feeling low ♪
♪ Looking for some answers ♪
♪ Things you need know ♪
♪ All you've got do is ask ♪
(tempo slows):
♪ All you've got to do is ask. ♪
(triangle dings)
♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪
(laughing)
♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night, everybody!
after this short news break.
Frasier...
Hmm?
I'm here to give you
an advance tip.
Really?
Hey, Gil.
Roz. I'm about
to review
a divine new
Italian trattoria
I've discovered
called Bella, Bella.
Uh-huh.
I'm alerting you now
because once I review it,
reservations will be
impossible to come by.
Oh, well, thank
you, Gil.
It's always gratifying
to be a few minutes
ahead of a trend.
They make an osso buco
that's so divine
I call it
the veal shank redemption.
Hey, guys.
Oh, Kenny.
Show's going great,
Frasier.
Only one thing missing,
of course.
I know, I know.
A new theme song.
I'm sorry, I just haven't
gotten around to it yet.
Mrs. Delafield's been
hounding me on this.
She really thinks each show
having a theme song
will help hook the listeners.
Gil's got his.
My first choice was
"Food, Glorious Food"
from the show Oliver!
Ooh, that's a perfect match.
Haute cuisine and a chorus
of starving orphans.
But then, a composer friend
of mine
came up with this little ditty
for me.
♪ Whether choosing a wine ♪
♪ Or the best place to dine ♪
♪ It's all a matter of taste ♪
♪ Yes, sir ♪
♪ It's all a matter of taste ♪
Great, huh?
And the nicest thing is
he didn't take a penny for it.
Well, at least he
has a conscience.
You know, Kenny,
I'm sorry for procrastinating
on this thing.
I tell you, I'll get one
as soon as I possibly can.
Well, you better
come up with
something here.
I'm sorry
to be a hard-ass--
it's the part of my job
I hate the most--
but I need this thing
on my desk, Monday-ish.
You know.
You know, Roz...
hearing Gil's little
ditty puts me in mind
that maybe we should just
do an original song.
My new boyfriend, Leon,
is in a band.
He could write one for you.
Actually, I was thinking
of composing it myself.
I'm not without musical ability,
you know.
Could you at least hire Leon
to accompany you?
I take it he's
desperate for work.
Hasn't had a gig
in months.
Music is all he knows.
He's not good
at anything else--
except in bed.
That's what he does best.
Yes.
How long did it take you
to find that out?
Ten seconds,
Frasier.
Oh, longer than usual.
Frasier.
Oh, Niles.
Oh, dear.
We had dinner plans tonight,
didn't we?
Yes. Don't tell me
you're canceling.
Well, I have to.
I have a little project
this evening.
Oh. Does this have to do
with the new theme song
you promised your listeners?
As a matter of fact,
it does.
I've got to have
something by Monday,
and I thought
I'd take advantage
of a nice, quiet
evening at home.
(vacuum cleaner whirring)
Oh...
Daphne!
Daphne,
would you please
turn off that
vacuum cleaner?
It's not a vacuum cleaner.
It's the Dirt Scourge 2000,
a total cleansing system.
Is it new?
Yeah. Got it this afternoon.
You see, this water traps
all the dirt particles
instead of recycling
them back into the air.
I got all that just
from Dr. Crane's pillow.
Ew.
I've been begging
you to switch
to a more
abrasive loofah.
No, it would be the
same for anyone.
Dead skin, dust mites...
That's what we're
all sleeping on
only we don't know it.
We do now. Jeez.
This is the chance
I've been waiting for.
(vacuum cleaner whirring)
(water bubbling)
Well, apparently,
the Dirt Scourge 2000
is no match for
the dirt pile 1957.
Well, this is going back.
On the commercial, they clean
all the mud off a hippopotamus.
Well, at least now
I can get down to work.
You know, Niles,
I'm sorry again about dinner,
but can I buy you a sherry?
Oh, thank you.
About this theme song
of yours...
why don't you just
use a standard?
Actually, I want
to compose one myself.
You see, I've always had
an affinity for music
and I've often
wondered
what I might achieve
if I just rolled up my sleeves
and gave it a try.
Didn't you write some kind of
musical back in prep school?
Yes, I did, Dad.
Niles was in it.
You know, the whole
school came out
humming my
opening anthem.
They went in humming it.
It was Beethoven's
Ninth Symphony note for note.
It was not.
It absolutely was.
It was not at all.
♪ We are valiant
men of honor ♪
♪ Wrenching, brawling sons... ♪
Well, all right,
all right, all right.
Well, I suppose I may have
borrowed a note or two
as a launching pad.
♪ Prancing, leaping,
laughing... ♪
All right,
point taken.
♪ Over hill and... ♪
Stop it!
I'm sorry I'm just teasing.
Actually, it was
a wonderful show.
I was very proud
to be acting in it.
And you know, Niles, you were
wonderful in it as well.
Well, thank you.
I thought so.
I often thought
if I'd kept at it,
I could have been
a professional actor.
Ah, you see?
We all have a road not taken,
some unfinished business
worth exploring.
Yeah, I always wanted
to be a toe dancer,
but a bullet ended my dream.
Well, Frasier, if you
need any help with this,
I'm right here.
Thank you, Niles.
I'd rather handle
the composing chores myself,
but I could use
a sounding board.
Fair enough. Let's put
our heads together.
Figuratively speaking,
of course.
I saw what came out
of your pillow.
(piano plays simple notes)
I think
this new bridge
is the best thing
you've written.
Really?
Oh, absolutely.
♪ Claustrophobia,
nymphomania ♪
♪ He will probe ya ♪
♪ He'll explain t'ya ♪
It's brilliant.
You know, it does
have a Cole Portery,
Stephen Sondheimy
flavor, doesn't it?
Absolutely. Yes.
Sondheimy would have killed
to have written this.
(chuckles)
You know what?
I'm a little nervous.
It just may be a bit
too conventional.
Perhaps instead
of a regular bridge
I could substitute it
with a dramatic monologue
spoken against
a musical background.
I like it.
Of course, I would
have to hire an actor.
Yes, I suppose you could
squander a lot of money
on some so-called
professional.
Someone who doesn't know
a thing about psychiatry.
Who doesn't understand
the whole gestalt.
Well, maybe you could do it.
I think so.
(laughs)
Oh, gosh, Niles.
I will write you a speech
that will challenge your
entire histrionic range.
This is so exciting.
Let's play the chorus again.
MARTIN:
Hey, Fras.
I just got an idea
for your little jingle.
Came to me while I
was brushing my teeth.
♪ What's new? I'm listenin' ♪
♪ Feelin' blue? I'm listenin' ♪
'Cause that's what
you say on your show.
♪ Feelin' sad,
feelin' mad, feelin' glad ♪
♪ Feelin' bad? I'm listenin'. ♪
Bravo.
That's wonderful.
Well, thanks.
You know, it's catchy--
that's what counts in a jingle.
That's very, very nice, Dad.
It's just that, well, you know,
I did promise my listeners
that I'd compose this myself.
It's no fair cheating.
Well, it's not cheating
technically.
Yes, very good, very good,
Dad, but thank you
Off you go.
Okay, all right.
Hey, um...
Frasier, are you sure
you want to modulate here?
That may just complicate things.
Perhaps.
You know, I'm just trying
to make it interesting.
To my ear, there's still
something lacking--
some tiny ingredient
that's missing.
I'm not sure what.
(musicians tuning instruments)
(tapping)
All right, everyone.
Let's try this again.
We still have a few minutes
before the choir gets here.
Well, finally, the choir
has deigned to join us.
Sorry. Our bus broke down.
We had to walk two miles
to get here.
Ah, well, then
I suppose we can
dispense
with the breathing exercises
I was going to recommend.
Please, if you would?
Off you go.
Frasier, did you mean to cut
paragraph five of my monologue?
Gosh, I might have, Niles.
I've just been so busy.
What was the gist?
A lighthearted lampoon of
mental health care abuse.
Ah. Yes, I did.
I was afraid
that some fussbudget
might take offense
at my jape about lobotomies.
Well, I suppose it's
best to play it safe.
Although I did like
the way you indicated
manic depression
with the slide whistle.
(chuckles)
Do we really have to
use so many musicians?
For the sound I want, yes.
Whatever happened to the
concept of "less is more"?
Ah, but if less is more,
then just think how much more
more will be.
You may be seated.
Ladies and gentlemen,
if I may have
your attention, please.
I'd like to take a few minutes
to explain my artistic vision.
Take as long as you want--
we're all on the clock.
Point well-taken.
Moving right along, then.
Frasier, I'm sorry we're late.
We got stuck in traffic.
Some stupid bus broke down.
This is Leon.
Ah. Hello, Leon.
Hey, Dr. Crane.
Lovely to meet you.
Listen, why don't
you help yourself
to the refreshment
table there.
I've got to have a
few words with Roz.
Roz, we've
got a problem.
In scoring this, I had
to eliminate the guitar part.
Well, put it back.
Well, I can't.
I'm afraid another instrument
might make things
sound cluttered.
Unless, of course,
Leon can play the bagpipe.
Bagpipe?
Yes.
Our show deals with the whole
range of human emotion,
from euphoria to despair,
and nothing says despair
so quickly
as the skirl of a bagpipe.
Nothing says "turn off
the radio" so quickly, either.
Isn't there something else
he can play?
Well, I... yes. Yes.
Actually, our triangle
player called in
with a touch
of tinnitus.
Here we are.
Leon, I have some good news
for you.
I had to eliminate
the guitar part,
but I'm promoting you
to first triangle.
I-I've never played
one of these.
It looks tricky.
I'll work with him.
Off you go.
Well, then, now, people,
um, before we start,
I was wondering, uh,
are there any questions?
Yes, Viola.
My name is Tiffany.
No, no, no. I'm calling you
by your instrument name
so as to avoid confusion.
Oh, well, I have a question
about measure 34.
Aha. I thought you might.
Yes, you see, I've accelerated
the tempo there
in order to depict the yearning
of the superego.
Very perceptive of you
to spot that.
No, I meant, are these
eighth notes or what?
Yes, eighth notes.
Anyone else?
Yes, Timpani?
You just answered my question.
Not Tiffany. Timpani.
What are we rehearsing this for?
Are we going to record it?
Yes. We are waiting
for the final go-ahead
from my station manager,
and then
we will be recording it. Yes.
Anyone else?
Yes... actor.
I'm just wondering
how my monologue
is going to be audible
over all these instruments.
Oh, that's a good point, Niles.
You may be seated.
It is imperative
that everyone play pianissimo
during the spoken portions,
very, very softly.
That applies particularly
to brass and timpani.
Why me?
To the drums, Tiffany.
Oh, Dad, Daphne!
I'm so glad you came.
Well, after all,
it is the world premiere
of your theme song.
I don't have to
search you two
for any hidden recording
devices, do I?
The last thing I need
is some bootleg CDs
flooding the marketplace.
Boy, you really got
everything here.
Oh, it's not a time
for stinting, Dad.
I've got everything from
the African rainstick
to the Javanese tam-tam.
Are the tam-tams the long ones
with the cream in the middle?
Oh, Kenny!
Kenny, I'm so glad
you made it.
Listen, I think you're in
for a bit of surprise.
Well, I got tell you,
I don't surprise easily...
whoa.
Our little ensemble.
So many musicians.
All working on a weekend.
Oh, now, listen.
I realize we are
a bit over budget
I promise, I will pick up
the difference myself.
All right, the time
has come to unveil
my magnum opus.
Just let me do
a little fine-tuning
on the opening fanfare.
Uh, brass,
if you will, please.
In four, the first measure.
(playing fanfare)
(fanfare ends)
Well, you see, that's-that's...
fine as far as it goes,
but this time I want you
to do it with a bit more...
grandeur--
with some majesty
and a soupcon of awe.
(playing fanfare
exactly as before)
There, you see?
That's what good
conducting can do, yes?
All right, everyone,
the time we've been waiting for
is at hand.
And with a...
simple bow of thanks
to the muse Calliope,
let us begin.
And...
(trumpets playing fanfare)
(orchestra playing)
♪ Whom can you turn to
for prompt diagnosis? ♪
♪ Of fetish or fantasy ♪
♪ Sex or psychosis? ♪
♪ No problem at all,
let us handle your call ♪
CHOIR:
♪On our show, on our show♪
♪ Bring us your traumas,
your latent neurosis: ♪
♪ Erectile dysfunction ♪
♪ Bed-wetting narcosis ♪
♪ There's no need for shame,
you can use a false name ♪
♪On our show, on our show♪
Who dares enter the dark
labyrinth of the human mind?
(high-pitched whine)
What festering secrets
are buried in the recesses
of the subconscious?
(chiming)
Lurid images...
(ringing)
Lewd desires...
(whistles)
Guilty pleasures...
strange compulsions...
(squawks)
The whole catalogue
of human behavior
from the aberrant
to the monstrous
lurks behind a locked door
to which one man holds the key!
(gong resounding)
♪ So if you are stymied
to find a prognosis ♪
♪ And ask yourself, just like
Freud, "Himmel, vas los ist?" ♪
♪ Stop scratching your head
and let us cure it instead ♪
CHOIR:
♪ On our show, on our show ♪
♪ Now here is the man
to explain ♪
♪ The tortured terrain
of your brain ♪
♪ The man who feels
everyone's pain: ♪
♪ Dr. Crane! ♪
♪ Dr. Crane! ♪
♪ Frasier Crane! ♪
(dings)
Way to go, Leon!
Well, Kenny,
what's your reaction?
Wow.
Takes your breath away,
doesn't it?
Wow.
I thought as much,
and in anticipation
of your approval,
I had the forethought
to order in a
little bubbly.
Niles, if you would
help me, please.
(laughing):
You were wonderful!
Thank you. The trombone
frightened me.
Wow.
That was sure something,
wasn't it?
I'll say.
Sort of like Gilbert
and Sullivan-- only frightening.
A little jingle,
that's all we wanted.
Ten seconds to
start the show.
Maybe Frasier
can cut this down.
He gives me harps
and drums and...
people speaking German.
All we wanted was
a simple little jingle.
Probably more like the one
you came up with.
Tell him yours,
Mr. Crane.
No, no, no.
It was nothing.
I can't even remember
how it goes.
Well, I do.
♪ How are you? I'm listen... ♪
It doesn't go like that.
Well, then, you sing it,
Mr. Crane.
Well, all right.
But, you know, it's
really nothing.
♪ What's new? I'm listenin' ♪
♪ Feelin' blue? I'm listenin' ♪
♪ Feelin' sad, feelin' mad ♪
♪ Feelin' bad, feelin' glad? ♪
♪ I'm listenin'. ♪
That's exactly the kind
of thing we're looking for!
You know,
it sets the mood.
It-it says it all.
Did that just pop
into you head?
Hardly.
It was gut-wrenching,
but, you know, it's nice to know
that I made it look easy.
No, no, no. I'm talking
about your dad's little jingle.
Dad's?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
he just sang it.
It's exactly the type
of thing we need.
You know, simple, catchy.
You know, we ought
to just use that one.
FRASIER:
No, no, no. Kenny, no.
No, if simple is
what you wanted,
you should've
just said so.
I thought I did.
Obviously not.
Now that I know what you want,
well, there's nothing easier.
Of course I can write simple.
I promise you, it'll be
something far more memorable
than what my dad came up with.
Well, I don't know.
I remember it.
♪ What's new? I'm listenin' ♪
(choir joins in):
♪ Feel blue? I'm listenin' ♪
♪ Feelin' sad, feelin' mad ♪
♪ Feelin' bad, feelin' glad? ♪
♪ I'm listenin'. ♪
You're off
the clock!
(playing ornate,
classical-sounding music)
(speeding up)
(playing
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat")
Hi, Fras.
How's it going?
"Merrily, merrily."
Well, now, it's getting
kind of late.
Maybe you should call it
a night, huh?
Dad, you heard Kenny.
I have to come up
with something
as simple as yours
by Monday.
By the way, thanks, once again
for completely upstaging me
today.
Oh, come on.
I'm sorry I stole your thunder,
but it's not like I did it
on purpose.
I know, I know.
I'm sorry. It's just...
I don't know why I'm having
such a hard time with this.
Well...
maybe you're just thinking
too much.
You know, look at me--
I go to bathroom,
I'm flossing my teeth
and that song pops
in my head.
Are you suggesting that
I bring out a spool of floss?
Well, it might not be a bad idea
for a couple of reasons.
Frasier, why don't you
just decide
what you want to say
and say it
without a lot of big words
and showing off.
You know, and the tune
should be something simple,
something you can whistle.
I tried whistling that thing
you wrote today,
and I got light-headed.
Of course it might've
been that last doughnut.
I went back for one of those
African rainsticks.
The truth is, Dad, I
I'm not sure I can do simple.
Well, I don't know if you can't
or if you just don't want to.
But some of the best things
in the world
are simple, Fras.
Just like that art gallery
you took me to
a couple months ago.
Do you remember?
You were oohing and aahing
over this painting
of a big, red dot.
Yeah, Dad. But there is a
difference between simple
and deceptively simple.
Well, all I'm saying is
that it's fine to be smart,
but you shouldn't have
to be proving it all the time,
that's all.
You know,
just as an experiment,
tell me what it is
you're trying to say
stripped down to nuts and bolts.
All right, um...
in my first stanza,
I want to represent myself
as the... ombudsman
between the conscious
and subconscious minds
of my listeners.
Ah. Well, there you are.
There's the song right there.
All we need
is a rhyme for "ombudsman,"
and we can go to bed.
I was playing around
with "north woodsman."
(laughing)
Oh, Frasier...
Look, I'm going to tell you
what your show's about:
People have a problem,
they're feeling low,
they call you,
you make them feel better.
Oh, for God's sake, Dad.
Well, that's it,
that's it.
Why don't you just write
about that?
How would that
sound exactly?
♪ If you've got a problem,
if you're feeling low ♪
♪ Looking for some answers... ♪
Oh, gosh, now I'm stuck.
How will I ever find
a rhyme for "low"?
Okay, smart aleck.
I was just trying to help.
Well, thanks, Dad.
I'm sorry. It's
just not my thing.
Okay, well,
I'm going to bed.
So, if you need
any help tomorrow,
all you got to do is ask.
Thanks, Dad.
(plays a note)
♪ If you've got a problem ♪
♪ If you're feeling low... ♪
♪ Looking for some answers... ♪
MARTIN:
♪ Things you need to know! ♪
FEMALE VOCALISTS:
♪ If you've got a problem ♪
♪ If you're feeling low ♪
♪ Looking for some answers ♪
♪ Things you need know ♪
♪ All you've got do is ask ♪
(tempo slows):
♪ All you've got to do is ask. ♪
(triangle dings)
♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪
(laughing)
♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Scrambled eggs all over my face.
What is a boy to do?
Good night, everybody!