Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 12 - RDWRER - full transcript
Frasier tells Roz about his family's adventure on the Millenial New Year... Chez Henri, where they planned to spend it, burned down, so they drove toward Sun Valley in Martin's Winnebago, for a party thrown by a wine club friend. Hijinks ensue en route, starting when a drowsy Niles boards the wrong Winnebago at a truck stop.
Oh, hey, Frasier.
Oh, hello, Roz.
Happy New Year.
Or should I say,
happy new millennium.
Oh, barf.
I'm so sick of
talking about it.
Oh, now, Roz, let's not condemn
the new millennium
just because you woke up in it
with a hangover.
That's what ruined church
for you.
Decaf latte,
please.
I just hate
how this arbitrary point
on the calendar
has become so significant.
And as far my hangover went,
it was worth it.
I partied my ass off like
a brain-damaged test monkey.
I see.
Well, allow me
to congratulate you
on your first
science-related metaphor.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
And what did you do?
Get all freaky
and finish your list
of the century's
greatest thinkers?
No, but my new year's was
plenty exciting enough,
thank you very much.
Although... not exactly
in a way I'd planned.
Cancel the millennium.
Chez Henri
has burned down!
Burned down?
NILES:
Yes.
Apparently, Henri
was caramelizing
a huge creme brulee
in the shape
of Puget Sound
when a sugar spark
ignited a 30-foot papier
mâche space needle.
They're already calling it
the worst centerpiece disaster
in the history of Seattle.
Henri built his reputation
with that caramelizing torch.
My God. The irony of him burning
down his own restaurant with it.
It's worthy of O. Henry.
O. Henri.
Please, Niles,
it's too soon to joke.
What exactly are we going
to do tomorrow night?
Every restaurant in town
worth going to
has been booked for months.
Well, you know,
you can join me
and the boys
at McGinty's.
It's going to be a lot of fun.
They're going to dye
the beer green.
Why would you do that
on New Year's Eve?
Oh, well, McGinty's going in
for a bypass next month,
and he's afraid he might not
make it out for St. Patty's Day.
This is a disaster.
No, they'll just pop in
another pig valve.
You know,
the only reason
he needs it is 'cause
he eats so much bacon.
So the same thing
that's killing him
is keeping him alive.
There's your
O. Henry story.
Well, maybe we can just stay in
tomorrow night.
On the most significant
New Year's Eve of our lifetime?
I think not.
I should have just gone with Mel.
She and her
mother are taking
a hot air balloon
through the wine country.
Well, not in the balloon, no,
but I could've followed along
in the recovery vehicle.
Wait a minute.
Speaking of wine,
wasn't the wine club having
some sort of a party?
Yes, at Ken Lauterbach's
place in Sun Valley.
Oh, it's a huge event.
Of course!
"Auld Lang Wine"!
Niles, call and see
if we're still invited.
All right, I'm on it.
Bloody hell.
Five days
after Christmas is over,
and I'm still getting
these cards.
They do it on purpose,
you know.
It's always from someone
you forgot,
and then it's too late
to send one back.
Then they sneer at you
for the rest of the year.
"Peace and goodwill," my ass.
You just lost yourself
a customer,
Dr. Naran S. Gupta, D.D.S.
MARTIN: Mm.
Losing a set
of English teeth.
He'll feel that.
This is for you
from the D.M.V.
Oh-ho! I know what this is.
The custom plates I ordered for
my Winnebago.
Yay!
Well, 50 bucks,
but I think it says it all.
Rrrd?
Wrr...er?
Rid... worry...er?
Red wearer!
Oh, for God's sake,
"Road Warrior."
Of course.
For a retired man with a cane
and a Winnebago.
I don't know why my mind
didn't go straight to it.
NILES:
Huzzah!
Hello, Daphne.
Ken says he'd love to have us come,
and the more, the merrier.
Oh, Niles,
that's brilliant.
Dad, please, please,
won't you join us?
You know what? Say,
let's call the travel agent.
Not to rain on your parade,
but you may have a tough time
getting flights this late.
Donny and I had a devil
of a time
getting our flight
to San Francisco.
Oh, Daphne,
they always set aside
a few choice seats
for Seattle's travel elite.
(horn honking)
MAN:
Pick a lane, Road Warrior!
MARTIN: See?
He got it.
Hey!
MARTIN: Ah, being on the road
like this is like
we're three
dusty hoboes
sharing a boxcar
to parts unknown.
Yes, well, if you don't take
this next turn,
we'll end up in Californy.
Gee, Niles,
you seem a little cranky.
Well, perhaps that's because
I rousted out of a warm bed
at the crack of dawn
and herded onto a Winnebago!
Better safe
than sorry, Niles.
You know, it's 650 miles
to Sun Valley,
and half of that's
through the mountains.
By the way,
how are we going to explain
to the wine club
our arriving
in a Winnebago?
Just chalk it
off to whimsy, Niles.
We'll call it
our "Van Ordinaire."
You know, besides,
I'm actually enjoying
this little trip
through the heartland.
I feel a little bit out of touch
with the common man.
It's nice to reconnect.
Well, while you're
reconnecting,
why don't
you let me drive?
I-I would, Niles.
It's just that, um...
I ne... I need
you to navigate.
Yeah, you're the most important
member of our crew, good buddy.
The man with
the map.
Stop patronizing me.
I want to drive.
Oh, you're not good
with big cars, Niles.
Remember when I tried to teach
you to drive my Le Sabre?
You kept panicking and pulling
on the emergency break.
Well, it's
a good thing I did.
Those mailboxes weren't
even slowing me down.
Oh, did you see
that sign?
Little Red Cabin.
Remember those diners?
Home of the logroller:
a flank steak wrapped
around a combination of eggs,
cheese and onions.
You kids used to love
eating there.
You'd scream out at me,
"Dad, pull over!
Quick, pull over!"
Actually, Dad, that was after we ate.
(humming to classical music)
Oh, Niles.
Thought you
were sleeping.
(Martin laughing)
I was trying to,
but Dad wanted
to watch the VCR.
Oh, good Lord.
Not Robin
and the Seven Hoods again?
(Martin laughing)
Worse.
(à la Austin Powers):
Yeah, baby.
Now, that was
a shagadelic flick.
You know, Dad,
if you're quite done,
I think I'll try
to take a nap.
Oh, behave.
You know, Dad,
you do realize that
the Austin Powers craze
is completely over.
Well, I'm sorry.
Do I bore you?
Or do I make you randy?
FRASIER:
Oh...
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Yes, Niles.
I'm driving as
smoothly as I can.
Any other little
driving tips
you'd like
to give me?
Why don't you just come up here
and tell me to my face!
Hey, look,
another
Little Red Cabin sign.
You know, we're not going
to find anything
better to eat
on this highway.
Oh, let's no
t be hasty, Dad.
It's five miles away.
We might run over something
before then.
You know,
I am so tired,
I can barely read
this menu.
That's all right,
Niles,
you don't have
to read.
You can just point to a picture
of the food you want.
MARTIN:
What's this?
"A logroller
with your choice of cheese"?
You can't have a logroller
without American cheese.
Apparently, you
can't get anything in this restaurant
without American cheese... including the menu.
Niles, if you're
so tired,
why don't you go back to the Road
Warrior, take a nap?
Oh, you know,
that's a good idea.
At least it'll be quiet.
I wonder if you can still get
sticky shingles here.
One look at the salad bar
says yes.
What looks good to you, Fras?
Well, actually, Dad,
you know, I think
I'll have a hamburger.
Would you order that
for me, Dad?
Yeah. You going someplace?
FRASIER:
As a matter of fact, I am.
I'm going to take a chance
and reacquaint myself
with an old friend of mine:
America.
Hello there.
Could I buy you
a cup of coffee?
You see, I'm just
a wandering city mouse
trying to get in touch
with America.
Now, you, you look
like you'd be a farmer.
Oh, I get it.
You see a guy
in a rural diner
wearing shab
by clothes,
you pin your little label on him.
Well, guess what?
I am a farmer,
but I'm also
a beautiful,
flawed, complicated human being,
and it's going to take
more than a cup of coffee
to get inside here.
I'll just go see
how my father's doing.
So, how was he?
Beautiful, flawed...
unpleasant.
Well, according to the map,
it's about 300 miles
to Sun Valley.
Oh, that's delightful, Dad.
You know what?
We'll get there
in plenty of time for the party.
Hey, listen, you know, your brother's
going to be hungry.
Maybe we should
bring him a sandwich.
I wouldn't worry
about Niles, Dad.
You saw how tired
he was.
Let's just let him sleep
for the rest of the trip.
You sure?
Oh, sure.
It's the most exciting day
of the year, Dad.
For God's sakes, you know,
when Niles wakes up,
I guarantee you
the last thing
he'd be thinking about
is sandwiches.
WOMAN:
Oh, my goodness.
Look what I just found
in my pocket.
The lighter I borrowed
from that waitress
in the restaurant.
I feel terrible.
Forget it, Mother.
We're not
taking it back.
MOTHER: Well, I really think
we should just turn around
an-and say we're sorry
and return it.
MAN:
I think we ought to keep it.
Our old one's
nearly out of fuel anyway.
MOTHER:
That doesn't make it right.
We're still criminals
in the eyes of the law.
MAN:
There's a lot worse criminals
than you and me.
Remember that last
gun show we went to?
We must have seen
at least three
different people
swiping boxes
of shells.
There's one thing
you can say for us:
We pay for our ammo.
So, this party tonight--
going to be a lot
of shagnificent birds?
Dad, I'm begging you.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Niles, will you please stop
doing this?!
I'm getting
a little drowsy.
Well, if you're so tired,
just scootch over--
I'll take the wheel.
MAN: Okay.
Yes, yes, hello.
I'm being kidnapped.
This is an emergency.
I'm being kidnapped.
I'm in a stolen Winnebago
heading east on I-84.
I can't talk any louder.
I'm being stolen.
Yes, yes. Washington plates--
R-D-W-R-E-R.
Road Warrior.
Yes, it does.
It does so. Sound it out.
Never mind. Oh, for God's sake,
just save me.
MAN:
Oh, I'm... I'm getting too sleepy.
I'm going back
for a little lie down.
Okay.
Oh, wait, Dad, look!
There's another one of
those Little Red Cabins.
Why don't we just stop
and have some supper first?
'Cause I'm tired,
and I'm not hungry.
Clifford.
Well, I guess a sandwich
wouldn't kill me.
MOTHER: I feel sort of funny
even stopping here.
Sort of like
returning
to the scene of the crime.
Mother, let it go.
(doors opening and closing)
(engine starts)
All right, Eddie.
Let's go sign
nature's guest book.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
NILES:
Frasier?
Yes.
Niles.
Put your fears to rest.
I've got Dad's Winnebago back.
Niles, what on earth
are you talking about?
You must have had a nightmare.
Uh, indeed I have.
But it's over now,
and I managed to give the thugs
a taste of their own
thieving medicine.
(gasps):
Niles!
Niles, where are
you calling from?!
From behind the wheel
of the Road Warrior.
And doing a damn fine job
driving, I might add.
But I'm in the Road Warrior!
You got in the wrong car,
you idiot!
You've stolen a Winnebago!
Oh, don't be absurd.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my God!
(tires squealing)
(tires screeching)
All right, Niles,
just keep your head!
There's no need to panic!
MAN (over bullhorn):
This is the police!
Exit your vehicle
immediately
with your hands
above your head.
How's that turkey club, Dad?
A little dry.
Sorry about
the misunderstanding.
These papers
all check out, sir. Well,
if there's nothing
else, we're in a hurry
to get to Sun Valley.
But not too much
of a hurry.
Well, drive safely.
FRASIER:
Thank you.
What a clown.
I can tell you
ten things he did wrong
right off the bat.
Well, at least
he was apologetic.
Oh, these hick towns will give any bozo a badge.
A goober like that wouldn't last
ten minutes in a
real police force...
...without getting a promotion.
Your license.
(chuckles)
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Hello, Frasier.
I've managed to solve
the problem.
I returned the Winnebago.
To where? Where are you?
Well, I'm in Baker City, Oregon.
Baker City?!
Shag me rotten.
That's 300 miles!
Niles, we will never get there
and then back to Sun Valley
before midnight.
Well, I'm not going
to ring in the new year
in a Little Red Cabin.
All right, all right. Listen.
The only way we can ever pull this off
is if you can catch a
ride in this direction.
Hold on. Hold on.
Oh, my gosh.
It's engraved.
Dad, I'm not going to enjoy
the rest of this trip
until we return
that woman's lighter.
Mother, do you expect me
to turn around
and drive 150 miles back
to that Little Red Cabin?
We are not going.
End of discussion.
Clifford.
Good news. I'm on my way.
All right, Niles says he can make it back
to the restaurant where we first got separated.
All I have to do now is
turn this boat around.
30 miles
to the next exit.
I can't wait that long.
Well, you can't do a U-ey
on an interstate.
That's 20th-century talk, Dad.
Welcome to the future!
(tires screeching)
God, that felt great!
Wow! This is really
quite an adventure,
isn't it, Dad?
(siren blaring)
MARTIN:
It is now.
Oh, dear God.
MARTIN:
All right, just relax, Frasier.
Now, I know cops.
Just let me do
the talking.
We'll be out of here
in two minutes.
All right, Dad, let's switch.
Well, look who's here.
You boys know what you
did wrong back there?
Yeah, yeah, I know.
A U-turn.
Nope. Called
me a goober.
(utensils clattering)
Oh, Niles,
I'm so sorry
we're late.
Well, well, not to worry.
When you're here
at the crossroads of the world,
you have the human drama
to amuse you.
(sighs):
Well, Happy New Year, boys.
Oh, yes, five minutes ago.
Everyone in the world will have
a wonderful story to tell
about where they were
and what they were doing
when the millennium dawned.
What is our story?
Speeding along a lonely highway.
And you here, doing nothing.
Well, not exactly nothing.
Big Sandy let me watch
the register
while she emptied the rat traps.
Hey, wait a minute.
Where are we?
Well, Dad, I've
never seen a picture
of the official middle
of nowhere, but...
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
but the middle of nowhere
Mountain Time, right?
It's still only
11:05, Pacific Time.
Which can't be more
than 45 minutes from here.
Right. We can cross the line
and toast in the
new year together!
Dad, that's brilliant!
And there was a delightful-
looking little restaurant
just across the border.
MARTIN: Well, the guidebook said
it was pretentious.
FRASIER:
Perfect! Let's roll!
We're running
out of time!
Well, I'm doing my best, Frasier,
but we seem to
be losing power.
(engine sputtering)
What is that noise?
What's wrong
with the engine?
I didn't touch the
emergency brake.
When was the last time
you put gas in this thing?
Me? I don't even know
where the thing is
to put the gas into.
MARTIN: Oh, no.
I'm sorry, boys. It's dying.
I'm going to be lucky
to get this off the road.
I can't stand this!
Have we so offended
the millennium gods
that they will do anything
to ruin this evening?
Burn down our restaurant?!
Hurl vindictive lawmen
and duplicate Winnebagos
in our path
to confound us?!
Wait, is that a sign?
Of course it's a sign!
It's a sign
that we're cursed!
No, no, no, it is!
It's a sign!
We're entering
Pacific Time Zone!
FRASIER:
Oh, my God!
We're here!
We made it!
We made it, oh!
Come on, Eddie.
Oh, 30 seconds to spare!
All right.
We're rolling!
We're rolling backwards!
Oh, no!
No need to
panic, Frasier!
(laughs)
We rolled
back into Idaho!
Follow me!
Ten seconds.
Let's look alive!
Damn this foil.
You can do it, Fras.
Relax and focus.
Three, two, one...
(cork pops)
(laughs)
A-ha! We made it!
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
There we are.
Well, if you ask me...
this beats
a dull party. Dad.
Family, and good champagne,
and a blanket of stars.
Hear, hear!
Ah.
You know what?
I think this
calls for a song.
♪♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪♪
(harmonizing):
♪♪ And never brought to mind... ♪♪
(coyote howling)
(quickly):
♪♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪♪
♪♪ For auld lang syne. ♪♪
(howling continues)
♪♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues
a'callin' ♪♪
♪♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, my ♪♪
♪♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪♪
♪♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪♪
(laughing)
♪♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪♪
♪♪ With those tossed salad
s and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ They're callin' again. ♪♪
Good night, Seattle!
We love you!
Oh, hello, Roz.
Happy New Year.
Or should I say,
happy new millennium.
Oh, barf.
I'm so sick of
talking about it.
Oh, now, Roz, let's not condemn
the new millennium
just because you woke up in it
with a hangover.
That's what ruined church
for you.
Decaf latte,
please.
I just hate
how this arbitrary point
on the calendar
has become so significant.
And as far my hangover went,
it was worth it.
I partied my ass off like
a brain-damaged test monkey.
I see.
Well, allow me
to congratulate you
on your first
science-related metaphor.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
And what did you do?
Get all freaky
and finish your list
of the century's
greatest thinkers?
No, but my new year's was
plenty exciting enough,
thank you very much.
Although... not exactly
in a way I'd planned.
Cancel the millennium.
Chez Henri
has burned down!
Burned down?
NILES:
Yes.
Apparently, Henri
was caramelizing
a huge creme brulee
in the shape
of Puget Sound
when a sugar spark
ignited a 30-foot papier
mâche space needle.
They're already calling it
the worst centerpiece disaster
in the history of Seattle.
Henri built his reputation
with that caramelizing torch.
My God. The irony of him burning
down his own restaurant with it.
It's worthy of O. Henry.
O. Henri.
Please, Niles,
it's too soon to joke.
What exactly are we going
to do tomorrow night?
Every restaurant in town
worth going to
has been booked for months.
Well, you know,
you can join me
and the boys
at McGinty's.
It's going to be a lot of fun.
They're going to dye
the beer green.
Why would you do that
on New Year's Eve?
Oh, well, McGinty's going in
for a bypass next month,
and he's afraid he might not
make it out for St. Patty's Day.
This is a disaster.
No, they'll just pop in
another pig valve.
You know,
the only reason
he needs it is 'cause
he eats so much bacon.
So the same thing
that's killing him
is keeping him alive.
There's your
O. Henry story.
Well, maybe we can just stay in
tomorrow night.
On the most significant
New Year's Eve of our lifetime?
I think not.
I should have just gone with Mel.
She and her
mother are taking
a hot air balloon
through the wine country.
Well, not in the balloon, no,
but I could've followed along
in the recovery vehicle.
Wait a minute.
Speaking of wine,
wasn't the wine club having
some sort of a party?
Yes, at Ken Lauterbach's
place in Sun Valley.
Oh, it's a huge event.
Of course!
"Auld Lang Wine"!
Niles, call and see
if we're still invited.
All right, I'm on it.
Bloody hell.
Five days
after Christmas is over,
and I'm still getting
these cards.
They do it on purpose,
you know.
It's always from someone
you forgot,
and then it's too late
to send one back.
Then they sneer at you
for the rest of the year.
"Peace and goodwill," my ass.
You just lost yourself
a customer,
Dr. Naran S. Gupta, D.D.S.
MARTIN: Mm.
Losing a set
of English teeth.
He'll feel that.
This is for you
from the D.M.V.
Oh-ho! I know what this is.
The custom plates I ordered for
my Winnebago.
Yay!
Well, 50 bucks,
but I think it says it all.
Rrrd?
Wrr...er?
Rid... worry...er?
Red wearer!
Oh, for God's sake,
"Road Warrior."
Of course.
For a retired man with a cane
and a Winnebago.
I don't know why my mind
didn't go straight to it.
NILES:
Huzzah!
Hello, Daphne.
Ken says he'd love to have us come,
and the more, the merrier.
Oh, Niles,
that's brilliant.
Dad, please, please,
won't you join us?
You know what? Say,
let's call the travel agent.
Not to rain on your parade,
but you may have a tough time
getting flights this late.
Donny and I had a devil
of a time
getting our flight
to San Francisco.
Oh, Daphne,
they always set aside
a few choice seats
for Seattle's travel elite.
(horn honking)
MAN:
Pick a lane, Road Warrior!
MARTIN: See?
He got it.
Hey!
MARTIN: Ah, being on the road
like this is like
we're three
dusty hoboes
sharing a boxcar
to parts unknown.
Yes, well, if you don't take
this next turn,
we'll end up in Californy.
Gee, Niles,
you seem a little cranky.
Well, perhaps that's because
I rousted out of a warm bed
at the crack of dawn
and herded onto a Winnebago!
Better safe
than sorry, Niles.
You know, it's 650 miles
to Sun Valley,
and half of that's
through the mountains.
By the way,
how are we going to explain
to the wine club
our arriving
in a Winnebago?
Just chalk it
off to whimsy, Niles.
We'll call it
our "Van Ordinaire."
You know, besides,
I'm actually enjoying
this little trip
through the heartland.
I feel a little bit out of touch
with the common man.
It's nice to reconnect.
Well, while you're
reconnecting,
why don't
you let me drive?
I-I would, Niles.
It's just that, um...
I ne... I need
you to navigate.
Yeah, you're the most important
member of our crew, good buddy.
The man with
the map.
Stop patronizing me.
I want to drive.
Oh, you're not good
with big cars, Niles.
Remember when I tried to teach
you to drive my Le Sabre?
You kept panicking and pulling
on the emergency break.
Well, it's
a good thing I did.
Those mailboxes weren't
even slowing me down.
Oh, did you see
that sign?
Little Red Cabin.
Remember those diners?
Home of the logroller:
a flank steak wrapped
around a combination of eggs,
cheese and onions.
You kids used to love
eating there.
You'd scream out at me,
"Dad, pull over!
Quick, pull over!"
Actually, Dad, that was after we ate.
(humming to classical music)
Oh, Niles.
Thought you
were sleeping.
(Martin laughing)
I was trying to,
but Dad wanted
to watch the VCR.
Oh, good Lord.
Not Robin
and the Seven Hoods again?
(Martin laughing)
Worse.
(à la Austin Powers):
Yeah, baby.
Now, that was
a shagadelic flick.
You know, Dad,
if you're quite done,
I think I'll try
to take a nap.
Oh, behave.
You know, Dad,
you do realize that
the Austin Powers craze
is completely over.
Well, I'm sorry.
Do I bore you?
Or do I make you randy?
FRASIER:
Oh...
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Yes, Niles.
I'm driving as
smoothly as I can.
Any other little
driving tips
you'd like
to give me?
Why don't you just come up here
and tell me to my face!
Hey, look,
another
Little Red Cabin sign.
You know, we're not going
to find anything
better to eat
on this highway.
Oh, let's no
t be hasty, Dad.
It's five miles away.
We might run over something
before then.
You know,
I am so tired,
I can barely read
this menu.
That's all right,
Niles,
you don't have
to read.
You can just point to a picture
of the food you want.
MARTIN:
What's this?
"A logroller
with your choice of cheese"?
You can't have a logroller
without American cheese.
Apparently, you
can't get anything in this restaurant
without American cheese... including the menu.
Niles, if you're
so tired,
why don't you go back to the Road
Warrior, take a nap?
Oh, you know,
that's a good idea.
At least it'll be quiet.
I wonder if you can still get
sticky shingles here.
One look at the salad bar
says yes.
What looks good to you, Fras?
Well, actually, Dad,
you know, I think
I'll have a hamburger.
Would you order that
for me, Dad?
Yeah. You going someplace?
FRASIER:
As a matter of fact, I am.
I'm going to take a chance
and reacquaint myself
with an old friend of mine:
America.
Hello there.
Could I buy you
a cup of coffee?
You see, I'm just
a wandering city mouse
trying to get in touch
with America.
Now, you, you look
like you'd be a farmer.
Oh, I get it.
You see a guy
in a rural diner
wearing shab
by clothes,
you pin your little label on him.
Well, guess what?
I am a farmer,
but I'm also
a beautiful,
flawed, complicated human being,
and it's going to take
more than a cup of coffee
to get inside here.
I'll just go see
how my father's doing.
So, how was he?
Beautiful, flawed...
unpleasant.
Well, according to the map,
it's about 300 miles
to Sun Valley.
Oh, that's delightful, Dad.
You know what?
We'll get there
in plenty of time for the party.
Hey, listen, you know, your brother's
going to be hungry.
Maybe we should
bring him a sandwich.
I wouldn't worry
about Niles, Dad.
You saw how tired
he was.
Let's just let him sleep
for the rest of the trip.
You sure?
Oh, sure.
It's the most exciting day
of the year, Dad.
For God's sakes, you know,
when Niles wakes up,
I guarantee you
the last thing
he'd be thinking about
is sandwiches.
WOMAN:
Oh, my goodness.
Look what I just found
in my pocket.
The lighter I borrowed
from that waitress
in the restaurant.
I feel terrible.
Forget it, Mother.
We're not
taking it back.
MOTHER: Well, I really think
we should just turn around
an-and say we're sorry
and return it.
MAN:
I think we ought to keep it.
Our old one's
nearly out of fuel anyway.
MOTHER:
That doesn't make it right.
We're still criminals
in the eyes of the law.
MAN:
There's a lot worse criminals
than you and me.
Remember that last
gun show we went to?
We must have seen
at least three
different people
swiping boxes
of shells.
There's one thing
you can say for us:
We pay for our ammo.
So, this party tonight--
going to be a lot
of shagnificent birds?
Dad, I'm begging you.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Niles, will you please stop
doing this?!
I'm getting
a little drowsy.
Well, if you're so tired,
just scootch over--
I'll take the wheel.
MAN: Okay.
Yes, yes, hello.
I'm being kidnapped.
This is an emergency.
I'm being kidnapped.
I'm in a stolen Winnebago
heading east on I-84.
I can't talk any louder.
I'm being stolen.
Yes, yes. Washington plates--
R-D-W-R-E-R.
Road Warrior.
Yes, it does.
It does so. Sound it out.
Never mind. Oh, for God's sake,
just save me.
MAN:
Oh, I'm... I'm getting too sleepy.
I'm going back
for a little lie down.
Okay.
Oh, wait, Dad, look!
There's another one of
those Little Red Cabins.
Why don't we just stop
and have some supper first?
'Cause I'm tired,
and I'm not hungry.
Clifford.
Well, I guess a sandwich
wouldn't kill me.
MOTHER: I feel sort of funny
even stopping here.
Sort of like
returning
to the scene of the crime.
Mother, let it go.
(doors opening and closing)
(engine starts)
All right, Eddie.
Let's go sign
nature's guest book.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
NILES:
Frasier?
Yes.
Niles.
Put your fears to rest.
I've got Dad's Winnebago back.
Niles, what on earth
are you talking about?
You must have had a nightmare.
Uh, indeed I have.
But it's over now,
and I managed to give the thugs
a taste of their own
thieving medicine.
(gasps):
Niles!
Niles, where are
you calling from?!
From behind the wheel
of the Road Warrior.
And doing a damn fine job
driving, I might add.
But I'm in the Road Warrior!
You got in the wrong car,
you idiot!
You've stolen a Winnebago!
Oh, don't be absurd.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my God!
(tires squealing)
(tires screeching)
All right, Niles,
just keep your head!
There's no need to panic!
MAN (over bullhorn):
This is the police!
Exit your vehicle
immediately
with your hands
above your head.
How's that turkey club, Dad?
A little dry.
Sorry about
the misunderstanding.
These papers
all check out, sir. Well,
if there's nothing
else, we're in a hurry
to get to Sun Valley.
But not too much
of a hurry.
Well, drive safely.
FRASIER:
Thank you.
What a clown.
I can tell you
ten things he did wrong
right off the bat.
Well, at least
he was apologetic.
Oh, these hick towns will give any bozo a badge.
A goober like that wouldn't last
ten minutes in a
real police force...
...without getting a promotion.
Your license.
(chuckles)
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Hello, Frasier.
I've managed to solve
the problem.
I returned the Winnebago.
To where? Where are you?
Well, I'm in Baker City, Oregon.
Baker City?!
Shag me rotten.
That's 300 miles!
Niles, we will never get there
and then back to Sun Valley
before midnight.
Well, I'm not going
to ring in the new year
in a Little Red Cabin.
All right, all right. Listen.
The only way we can ever pull this off
is if you can catch a
ride in this direction.
Hold on. Hold on.
Oh, my gosh.
It's engraved.
Dad, I'm not going to enjoy
the rest of this trip
until we return
that woman's lighter.
Mother, do you expect me
to turn around
and drive 150 miles back
to that Little Red Cabin?
We are not going.
End of discussion.
Clifford.
Good news. I'm on my way.
All right, Niles says he can make it back
to the restaurant where we first got separated.
All I have to do now is
turn this boat around.
30 miles
to the next exit.
I can't wait that long.
Well, you can't do a U-ey
on an interstate.
That's 20th-century talk, Dad.
Welcome to the future!
(tires screeching)
God, that felt great!
Wow! This is really
quite an adventure,
isn't it, Dad?
(siren blaring)
MARTIN:
It is now.
Oh, dear God.
MARTIN:
All right, just relax, Frasier.
Now, I know cops.
Just let me do
the talking.
We'll be out of here
in two minutes.
All right, Dad, let's switch.
Well, look who's here.
You boys know what you
did wrong back there?
Yeah, yeah, I know.
A U-turn.
Nope. Called
me a goober.
(utensils clattering)
Oh, Niles,
I'm so sorry
we're late.
Well, well, not to worry.
When you're here
at the crossroads of the world,
you have the human drama
to amuse you.
(sighs):
Well, Happy New Year, boys.
Oh, yes, five minutes ago.
Everyone in the world will have
a wonderful story to tell
about where they were
and what they were doing
when the millennium dawned.
What is our story?
Speeding along a lonely highway.
And you here, doing nothing.
Well, not exactly nothing.
Big Sandy let me watch
the register
while she emptied the rat traps.
Hey, wait a minute.
Where are we?
Well, Dad, I've
never seen a picture
of the official middle
of nowhere, but...
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
but the middle of nowhere
Mountain Time, right?
It's still only
11:05, Pacific Time.
Which can't be more
than 45 minutes from here.
Right. We can cross the line
and toast in the
new year together!
Dad, that's brilliant!
And there was a delightful-
looking little restaurant
just across the border.
MARTIN: Well, the guidebook said
it was pretentious.
FRASIER:
Perfect! Let's roll!
We're running
out of time!
Well, I'm doing my best, Frasier,
but we seem to
be losing power.
(engine sputtering)
What is that noise?
What's wrong
with the engine?
I didn't touch the
emergency brake.
When was the last time
you put gas in this thing?
Me? I don't even know
where the thing is
to put the gas into.
MARTIN: Oh, no.
I'm sorry, boys. It's dying.
I'm going to be lucky
to get this off the road.
I can't stand this!
Have we so offended
the millennium gods
that they will do anything
to ruin this evening?
Burn down our restaurant?!
Hurl vindictive lawmen
and duplicate Winnebagos
in our path
to confound us?!
Wait, is that a sign?
Of course it's a sign!
It's a sign
that we're cursed!
No, no, no, it is!
It's a sign!
We're entering
Pacific Time Zone!
FRASIER:
Oh, my God!
We're here!
We made it!
We made it, oh!
Come on, Eddie.
Oh, 30 seconds to spare!
All right.
We're rolling!
We're rolling backwards!
Oh, no!
No need to
panic, Frasier!
(laughs)
We rolled
back into Idaho!
Follow me!
Ten seconds.
Let's look alive!
Damn this foil.
You can do it, Fras.
Relax and focus.
Three, two, one...
(cork pops)
(laughs)
A-ha! We made it!
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!
There we are.
Well, if you ask me...
this beats
a dull party. Dad.
Family, and good champagne,
and a blanket of stars.
Hear, hear!
Ah.
You know what?
I think this
calls for a song.
♪♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪♪
(harmonizing):
♪♪ And never brought to mind... ♪♪
(coyote howling)
(quickly):
♪♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot ♪♪
♪♪ For auld lang syne. ♪♪
(howling continues)
♪♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues
a'callin' ♪♪
♪♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ Oh, my ♪♪
♪♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪♪
♪♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪♪
(laughing)
♪♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪♪
♪♪ With those tossed salad
s and scrambled eggs ♪♪
♪♪ They're callin' again. ♪♪
Good night, Seattle!
We love you!