Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 11 - The Fight Before Christmas - full transcript

FRASIER:
Previously on Frasier...

There is absolutely
no reason

this can't be connected
to some submerged anxiety.

I mean, what's bothering you?

The only women in my life
are friends.

Roz and Daphne.

Daphne's not even here anymore.

She'll be married soon.

It's been nice having her here.

I really do love Daphne.

DAPHNE:
It's about Dr. Crane.



I overheard him say
he's in love with me.

Geez, not this.

You knew about this?

I kept my mouth shut
for six years.

I'm not saying
anything now.

Of course
I love you, Daphne,

but... as a friend, that's all.

When I said to your father,
"Dr. Crane's in love with me,"

he said it's been going on
for six years now.

What did he mean by that?

He meant Niles.

He's crazy about you.

Oh, good Lord, Dad.

You've been tinkering
with that thing for hours.



Now, don't you think

maybe Dancin' Santa
could sit this Christmas out?

Oh, I got to get him ready for
your big party tomorrow night.

(doorbell rings)
Oh, no need, Dad.

There'll be plenty of things
to delight my guests.

We'll be caroling
and playing games.

Oh, and I'll be reading
A Child's Christmas in Wales

to bring the evening to a close.

Oh, that should do it.

Hey, Frasier.
Oh, hello, Roz.

Hey, Martin.
MARTIN: Hey, Roz.

I can't stay.

I just stopped by to drop off
your punchbowl.

Well, thank you, Roz.

Say, what kind of punch
did you serve?

Well, first I filled it
with ice.

Then I just poured
orange juice and vodka over it.

Well, Roz, that's
just a giant screwdriver.

Yeah... so, what am
I, Martha Stewart?

Fine. Thanks anyway.

You know, I'm really going
to be needing

this bowl tomorrow evening.

There's going to be
a crowd of guests.

I've invited
the entire building,

including Cam Winston.
Oh...

In the spirit of Christmas,
I've decided

to put an end to our feud.

What are you feuding about?

Oh, he parks his SUV
right next to Frasier's Beemer.

Yes, well, that car is
grotesquely oversized.

I've often
been forced

to exit from the passenger side.

Many a time, I've been brought
to grief on my gear shift.

Why doesn't he just back in?

Are you kidding?

He can barely hit that space

even when the guy's car
isn't there.

Hi, Roz.
ROZ: Hey, Daphne.

Bye, guys.
FRASIER: Bye, Roz!

You leaving?
ROZ: Yeah.

Actually, there's something
I'd like to talk to you about.

What is it?

The other day,

I found out something
about Dr. Crane

I wasn't supposed
to know.

Frasier?

No, his brother.

Apparently, he's had a crush
on me for years.

(sighing):
Thank God.

What do you mean,
"thank God"?

I've been afraid
for months

I'd be the one
to blow the secret.

You mean you knew?

Well, everybody
kind of did.

And nobody
said anything?

Well, if Niles wasn't ready
to say anything,

it wasn't our place
to do it.

Well, who spilled
the beans?

It was Frasier,
wasn't it?

Yeah, but he doesn't
know he told me.

He doesn't?
No, he was on

those painkillers
for his back, and...

well, I can't very well
discuss it with Dr. Crane.

He's so close to Dr. Crane.

If I told him,
he might tell Dr. Crane,

and then Dr. Crane
might feel embarrassed.

Yeah. Why confuse things?

The whole thing's
just a bit awkward.

Well, I don't see why.

Niles has
a girlfriend now,

so obviously
he's gotten over you,

and you're engaged
to Donny.

(chuckling): I suppose when you
look at it like that,

there's really no
reason to feel awkward.

Well, there's
a Christmas tableau--

naughty and nice.

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Hello, Daphne.

I'd see you inside,
but I just have to...

take out the garbage.

It's in my pockets.

Morning, everyone.

Hey, Niles.
Hello, Niles.

Frasier, I brought those
caroling books you asked for.

Ooh, thank you so much.

Oh, yes, here we are.

(chuckling)

Preferred Songs from
a Victorian Christmas

and Elizabethan
Tidings of Joy.

Now we're ready
to party.

(laughing)

So, Niles, what
do you think?

Should we start
with the caroling

or should we hold off
until we've played

a spirited game
of the Minister's Cat?

Start with the game.
Uh-huh.

Then the caroling.

Then perhaps
the guests will be ready

for another game.

Yeah, Russian roulette.

Yes, well, I'm off.

Oh, Niles, if you're
not busy this evening,

perhaps you could help me
string popcorn garlands.

Uh, unfortunately,
I have to see Maris tonight.

MARTIN:
Maris?

What the hell
do you have to see her for?

Sadly, to pay
my condolences.

It seems
our old gardener

has passed away
unexpectedly.

Oh, not Yoshi.

Gosh, that's too bad.

He had a heart attack
when he was out trimming

Maris' elaborate
hedge maze.

The paramedics
never had a chance. No.

Well, I feel bad about Yoshi,
but are you sure

it's a good idea
spending the evening with Maris?

Well, she's
terribly upset.

Maris and Yoshi
were very close.

In fact, I remember
he once made

a topiary likeness
of her

and wept without shame
when it developed root rot.

Well...

the problem is
I have to cancel on Mel tonight.

Oh, really?

Well, Niles, if
you want my advice,

I wouldn't mention
Maris to Mel.

What?

The last thing a new girlfriend
wants to hear

is that you're consoling
your ex-wife.

Well, I hate
to lie to Mel...

although I do see
your point, Frasier.

(laughing):
Hey...

there he goes.

Dad, Santa's back.

MARTIN:
Yeah.

It's the darndest thing.

Every year,
when I take him out of the box,

something's wrong with him,

but I always manage
to fix him again.

NILES:
Oh, good for you, Dad.

I told you to dunk it
under water.

I did.

KENNY:
Hey, Doc.

Merry Christmas.
Oh, hi, Kenny. My!

The station has certainly
outdone itself this year

with the Christmas-
in-Mexico theme.

It was my idea.

It hit me when
I realized

their sauces are
red and green.

(laughing):
Ah, well...

that's why you are
the boss.

(laughing)

Hey, Frasier, what time's your
party tonight?

Shh! Please,
keep your voice down.

You're the only one
from the station I've invited.

The only one?
Yes.

Oh, don't worry,
there'll be scads of people,

because I invited everyone
in my building. 7:00.

Okay.
All right.

Oh, Gil...

Merry Christmas.

And to you, Frasier.
Oh, thank you.

I hope you saved
room for dessert.

Have you been baking?

I have.

Gingerbread men.

Oh, my, and don't they look...
muscular?

Yes, well, the wife and I made
a new year's resolution.

Mm-hmm. Deb and I have
joined a gym

to slim down and buff up.

We made these
to inspire us.

Ah, yes.

Nothing strengthens
a dieter's resolve

like a good
motivational pastry.

(laughing)
Precisely.

Problem is, they're
so delicious,

I've already had three.

This is my last
little man, I promise.

Mm! Oh, Gil, who
are you kidding?

No one, Gil.

Frasier...

Mel?
Hello.

Well, gosh, I never expected
to see you here.

Oh, well, I was
one of the doctors

on Health Chat
during cosmetic surgery week.

I did a segment
on breast augmentation.

Oh, how uplifting.

(laughing)

Yes, well...

Niles is hanging up
our coats.

So, did you two have
a good dinner last night?

Oh, uh, no, no.

Actually, we didn't
have dinner last night.

I was too busy
planning my party.

But, please,
don't mention that

to any of my
colleagues.

They're not invited.

Mel?

Frasier, Frasier,
glad I saw you.

Listen, about last night--
if Mel should ask...

Oh, dear.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

And you...?

I'm afraid so.

Damn you!

Well, I... You're the one who
told me to lie to her.

Now you fail
to... back me up.

Well, I'm
a little preoccupied.

I'm having a party tonight
for 200 people!

Well, I won't
lie to you, Doc.

This hurts.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, Mel, Mel, darling,
please...

darling, please, come
here, darling, sweetheart.

Niles, Niles... I know you're upset,
darling, but listen.

Please, we're at a party.

All right, all
right, you're right.

Uh, we'll talk
about it later.

No, no, no,
we'll talk about it now.

Just put on
your party face.

Don't embarrass me...

as if I could be
further embarrassed

after you lied to me.

I can explain.

No, no, no, uh,
you don't need to.

When a man lies
about where he's been,

it's not hard
to guess the reason.

So, what's
the little whore's name?

(chuckling)

No, no, no, darling,
the reason I told you

that I was dining
with Frasier

was actually,
I was out...

Yes?

...getting your
Christmas present.

My present?
Uh-huh.

Oh, darling,
I'm so sorry.

I-I should've known.

(laughing)
Oh!

I'm so glad you're
forgiving me.

(both laughing)

Or is that your
party face?

Oh, no, no.

Of course not, darling.

So, why don't you, um,
hang my coat back up... All right.

and I'll get us
something to drink.

Of course.

FRASIER:
Oh, Mel...

uh, this is awkward, uh...

MEL:
Oh, no, no, no, Frasier.

Niles explained
everything,

and while I don't
like being lied to,

I do appreciate
why he did it.

FRASIER:
Oh, I'm so glad.

Ooh, hello.

Darling.

Hello. Chatting,
are we?

Well, actually,
I was just apologizing

for my part
in your little misunderstanding.

Oh, yes, well, then, of course you were
discussing the present?

Oh, yes, yes,

the present... and the future.

Maris is all in the past.

(chuckling)

Maris?

Oh, dear.

You were with Maris
last night?

Well...
How dare you?

Anything else in the box,
Pandora?

Mel, please. Oh, no,
don't touch me, no.

Party face, party face.

No, no, forget
the party face.

You're obviously still...
in love with her,

and I'm not
about to share you,

so... good-bye.

FRASIER:
Niles, Niles, I'm so sorry.

Oh, Frasier,
don't pretend to be sorry.

All you care about
is your precious party

that you're hosting
tonight!

("Jingle Bells"
playing on piano)

Okay, honey, get ready.

Don't be nervous.

Okay, bring it
on home, Daphne!

(plays final chord)
Yes!

Daphne Moon, everybody!

FRASIER:
Brava!

Okay, we're taking requests.

How about a little
"Silent Night"?

FRASIER:
Stop that! Wha...?

Those are for the party.

In case you haven't noticed,
I am the party.

Yeah, Frasier,
didn't the invitation say 7:00?

I hope people knew
it was for tonight.

Stop worrying.
They'll be here.

I mean, they're probably
just fashionably late.

I mean, people do love to make

an entrance, you know.

(doorbell rings)
A-ha!

Daphne, open the floodgates.

NILES:
Hello.

Good evening, Dr. Crane.

Isn't Mel with you?

Uh, no, she
won't be coming.

We broke up.

What?

NILES:
Yeah, uh, this afternoon.

Oh, goodness,
I'm so sorry.

Did you try to call her, Niles?

Oh, I left a
dozen messages.

DONNY: Aw, Niles,
I'm so sorry.

How long were you guys together?

Oh, not that long.

Still, I was optimistic.

Well, did you talk
about moving in together?

Made any long-term plans?

This is really bringing out
the lawyer in you, isn't it?

The bartender, actually.

I was just wondering

how big a drink
to make you. Ah. Big.

Scotch, please.

All right, come on,
don't worry, Niles.

We'll fix you up
with somebody.

Oh, uh, thanks, Donny.

I don't think
this is the time

for me to be meeting
someone new.

Someone old, then;
you know, an old flame...

an ex-girlfriend,

someone who got away, huh?

Now, come on, Niles,

there must
have been somebody

you had your eye on
before Mel.

Donny, please!

Can't you see
you're making him uncomfortable?

What? I was just
trying to help.

Honey?

See, Niles, it's not
us, it's the holidays.

It makes women crazy.

Ha-ha! Hello, everyone!

Come in! Come in!

Oh, yes, that's
very nice.

Ladies first. All right, now,
no crowding, no pushing.

(laughing)

Where are they going?

I've got bad
news for you.

That feud you were having
with the guy upstairs?

It isn't over.

He's having
his own party.

Damn him!

He's siphoning
off my guests.

You know, you won't
believe this.

That dreadful Cam Winston
is having a competing party!

DONNY: Oh, that's
what that was.

I saw a big sign in the lobby:
"Winston Party 2000."

Yes. That's his
apartment number.

Well, two can play
at that game.

Donny?
DONNY: Yeah?

Do me a favor, will you?

Make me one
of those signs.

See what you can fashion

out of these
crude implements.

Okay, I'll try.

MARTIN: I don't know if that's
a good idea, Fras.

FRASIER: Why?
Well, "Winston Party 2000"

sounds like the
party of the future.

"Crane Party 1901"...

sounds like...

well, this.

I wouldn't worry
about it, Frasier.

You always throw
a good party.

This place will be hopping
in no time.

FRASIER:
Thanks, Roz.

Hey, Connie, it's a morgue here.

Is the party at the station
still happening?

Great. I'll be there
as soon as I can.

Oh, hey, Daphne.

You're not going
to believe this.

Dr. Crane broke up
with Mel.

Oh, yeah, I know. I heard.

Is there anything
you don't know before I do?

I overheard them
at the office Christmas party.

Really? What happened?

Well, okay...
don't freak out.

Mel accused Niles

of still being in love
with someone else.

Oh, my God, that's me!
I'm "someone."

I said not
to freak out.

But what if he says something
to me?

Just let him down gently.

Oh, it never works out
that easily.

You know what happens
when you say no to a guy.

Yeah. Sure.

It just gets messy
after that.

You say you'll be friends,
but you never are.

It ruins everything.

He's not going to
say anything tonight.

As long as Donny's here,
you're totally safe.

Let's find a prominent
place to put this...

preferably right on top
of Winston's sign.

Oh, go easy there,
Niles.

Oh, haven't you given me enough
advice for one day?

(oven bell rings)
My canapes!

You know, Niles, you look
like you need cheering up.

Oh!
Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, darn, I'm sorry.

Daphne's present.

Did it break?

(broken pieces clattering)

Well, we won't know
till she opens it.

I'm sorry...
but, hey, look.

You don't need this one
for Mel, do you?

Well, I guess not.
Oh, okay, well, here.

Switch that in there
for this right here.

Problem solved.

All right,
now, you two,

I don't want everyone
congregating

in the kitchen.

Now, go out
and mingle!

Niles! Martin!
I didn't see you come in.

Roz! Daphne!

Well, I didn't want

to give these out
in front of all the guests,

but since there
aren't any... here you go.

Roz, that's for you,

and, uh, Daphne, here.

Uh... Merry Christmas.

Oh, Merry Christmas.
Thank you, Dr. Crane.

Thank you.
(phone ringing)

Excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, no. It's jewelry.

Oh, no. It's a book.

My God, there must be
100 people up there.

Well, I'll just show you
what you're missing!

Savory lamb tenders!

Pesto-filled mushroom caps!

Smell 'em and weep!

Come on, come on,
Frasier.

Maybe we ought
to walk you back inside.

Oh, Dad...

There you go.

Yes. Yes, darling,
that's wonderful.

I'll see you soon.

That was Mel.

And?

I managed to explain
about Yoshi.

She's on her way over.

FRASIER:
Oh, thank God. I know.

Another guest!

It's also wonderful for you,
Niles-- congratulations.

Well, there is one minor detail
to be ironed out.

Yes? I also got a
message from Maris

saying she wants
to see me again.

I think she
may have

mistaken last night's sympathy
for affection.

FRASIER:
Oh, my.

Well, Niles,
if you want my advice...

Ooh, you know, you really need
to stop saying that.

You've got to make
your feelings clear to her,

and the sooner,
the better.

I mean, there's
very little point

in letting it drag on
like this. You're right.

I'll speak to
her tonight.

At the moment,
I just want

to patch things
up with Mel.

Uh-huh. Well, you know,

those antique earrings
you bought her

should go a long way
toward that.

(groaning):
Oh...

I gave them to Daphne.

You did what?

Daphne's gift broke, and...

I didn't think Mel was coming.

Dad suggested
I switch the gift cards.

Oh, for God's sake,
Dad and his meddling.

Well, if you want my advice...

...you know where
to find me.

Roz!
What?

You can't go.
Why not?

NILES: Daphne, I'm sorry
to interrupt.

Uh, I need to
speak with you.

It's a private
matter. Uh...

Would you join me on the balcony
for a moment?

All right.

Thank you.

Whoa, he's going
to tell you.

(sarcastically): Oh, no. Not tonight.
Not while Donny's here.

Okay, so I was wrong.

Boy, this is rough.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

I guess I won't
give him the chance.

I'll speak first.
I'll just be direct.

I'll... I'll tell him
I know how he feels about me

but I don't feel that way
about him.

I love Donny, and...

nothing's going
to happen between us.

Good...

luck.

Hi.
Daphne, uh...

I wish there were an
easier way to say this.

I...
Wait.

I have something
that I'd like to say first.

Dr. Crane, I have
to tell you that...

Oh, Daphne, I
am so sorry.

What am I thinking?

Here.
Oh.

Well, thank you.

Anyway, Dr. Crane...

I know that...

Yes?

I'm sorry. I...

Look, uh, why don't
I start. Uh...

No, Dr. Crane.

No, no, I really
need to say this.

I can't wait any
longer. Daphne...

Yes?
Uh...

This is so
difficult for me.

Yes?

I need my Christmas
present back.

You what?

People will go
almost anywhere

for free food
and booze.

Am I really so insufferable?

I could call the station

and see if people
want to come over.

Oh, yes, Roz, let's call in
the second-string guests.

Let's fill my home with a bunch
of angry, snubbed coworkers.

You think they'd come?

Ah!
Hey-hey!

Hi! Merry Christmas!

See? Fashionably late!

Hello, everyone!

Come in! Merry Christmas!

Help yourself
to some drinks.

Okay, Marty,

how'd you get these
people down here?

Oh, I just called an old buddy
in the fire department

and told them
that that many people

in one place
had to be a code violation.

Oh, that is smart, but
aren't there going to be

the same number of
people down here?

All right, everyone,

we'll start by
singing some carols,

and then we'll choose up teams for
the Minister's Cat.

I don't think
that's going to be a problem.

I feel terrible about this,

and-and, of course,
I'll-I'll replace the gift.

Oh, that's all right.

Well, I won't
be needing this anymore.

Right. Oh, Daphne,
Daphne, Daphne...

you never finished
what you were going to say.

Oh, well... it was
about the gift.

Well, I could see
from the box

that you got me jewelry
from Beadie & Sons,

and I didn't get you anything
nearly as grand.

Well...
doesn't matter now.

Oh. Mel...

She's here.

Yes, uh... excuse me.

I'm so glad you came.

Uh...

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

So, how'd it go?
Did you tell him?

I never got the chance.
He went first.

It turns out he'd
just given me the wrong gift

and wanted it back.

You're kidding.

You must be
so relieved.

(chuckling):
Oh, I'll say.

I've never been
so relieved in my life.

FRASIER: All right, everyone,
we'll start with an easy one.

♪ Deck the halls ♪

♪ With boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Don we now ♪

♪ Our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la... ♪

♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues
a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪

(laughing)

♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Happy holidays, everybody!