Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 10 - Back Talk - full transcript

MARTIN (over radio):
Rappy Rirfday, Rasier.

Why, Eddie, you can talk.

I've always been
able to talk.

I just save it
for special occasions

like somebody's rirfday.

Yes, yes, Eddie,
thank you very much.

But listen, I'd like
to talk about Dad.

I think his mind
may be slipping.

Hey, don't say stuff
like that to him.

He's a dog-- he might
not know you're joking.

Why, Dad, I didn't even
know you were here.



(chuckles):
Yes.

Well, just give me
a couple more minutes

and I'll have your birthday
breakfast all ready.

Come on, Eddie.

Right behind you.

Oh, well,
that's very nice, Dad.

Yes.

Oh, and look what I got.

A newspaper from the day
you were born.

I keep telling you
to clean out

that closet of yours.

I ordered it.

Yes, well,
let's just see

what other wonders
occurred on that day.



(chuckles)

"Suspected pinko ousted
from crossing guard post."

What a jolly world
I was born in to.

Now, I know tonight's
your party...

Oh...

...but here.

Happy Birthday.

Make a wish.

Dad, thank you.

(both chuckling)

What's the matter?

My back...

Oh.

...it's completely
seized up.

Oh, okay.
Well, come on.

Now just take it easy.

There you go.

Real slow.
I-I...

There you go.
(grunts)

Oh, my God.

It's been
a little tender lately.

I-I went to see
the doctor last week.

He told me there was absolutely
nothing wrong with it.

Doctors never tell you anything.

They're just a bunch
of overpaid quacks.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I don't mean you.

I mean, I'm talking
about real doctors.

How could this be
happening to me?

I'm always so conscientious
about back safety.

Why, just the other day,

you know, when I needed
that large, heavy stack of books

from down in the storage room

I insisted that Daphne
make three trips.

Well, you know what,

I've got that old
girdle in my bedroom.

Let me go get it.

That should do it.
Dad, please.

I'm not wearing anything
called a girdle.

What if I called it
a back brace?

Get it!

(doorbell rings)

Daphne?

(doorbell rings)

Good God!

Coming!

Oh!

This wouldn't be taking me
so long

if my housekeeper were here.

I'm a physical therapist.

Perhaps you could get me
into a chair.

Oh, goodness!

Is your back
bothering you again?

Thank you.
Thank you, Daph.

Oh, I'm sorry
I made you get up.

I forgot my key.

You know, perhaps
you should get

a spare set made just
to keep at Donny's.

For God's sake, you're practically
living there as it is.

Oh, now, Dr. Crane, you
better get used to it.

Once I'm married, I
will be living there.

I know what'll
help that back;

a nice massage.

Here you go.

Oh, the girdle.

That'll help.

Now, listen,

it's kind of hard
to put on by yourself,

but if Daphne holds one end
and I hold the other

you can kind of spin
into it.

Please, Dad, this is
humiliating enough as it is.

What's humiliating about it?

Now, you just hook it
in the back, like a bra.

Just give me that!

Mr. Crane, does it bother you
when I stay over at Donny's?

No.

Well, it seems
to bother Dr. Crane.

Oh, he's just cranky
because of his back.

Good Lord!

Queen Elizabeth
had another baby.

I don't care
what science can do.

It's just not right.

Yes. Oh, that'll be
just fine right there.

Be sure to thank the gang
for the flowers, Connie.

You're welcome,
Dr. Crane.

Happy Birthday.

Birthday?

Happy Birthday, Frasier.

Thank you, Roz.

It's not off
to the best start, though.

My back is out.

Why don't you go home?

We'll just air
The Best of Crane.

I'll drop your gift by later.

No, no, Roz.

Couldn't do that.

I promised my listeners

that I'd read
a birthday address.

Well, uh, people might
have forgotten.

People do have busy
lives, you know?

No, Roz,
I announced it twice.

Anyone paying even
the slightest attention

would know.

Say, what are you
doing over there?

Just, uh, wondering
when to surprise you

with your present!

Oh, Roz. Oh...

Guess now is as good
a time as any.

You know, we keep
promising each other

we're not going
to do this.

We have to stop
spoiling one another.

What am I
supposed to do,

just forget
your birthday?

Oh...

Oh, good Lord, Roz.

You know, I read

the most wonderful review
of this recently.

I hope you like it.

Oh, look,
you've inscribed it.

I did?

"You'll always be my baby."

I must have had a glass of wine
when I wrote that.

Mm-hmm.

"Love, Mom."

Well, there's our bent
and broken birthday boy.

Hi, Niles.

I brought you
a little gift.

Say hello
to sweet salvation--

the lumbar log.

Oh, thank you, Niles.

Yes, yes.
You're welcome.

I think the whole thing is
probably stress-related.

Well, that's very possible.

You know, birthdays
can be anxiety-provoking,

especially for people
of a certain age.

I am not of a certain age,
Niles.

I am smack-dab in the middle
of "not a kid anymore."

I won't be of a certain age
for another ten years.

You know, if your back
pain is stress-related,

I read a magazine
article

with an exercise
that might help.

You just go someplace
where nobody can hear you

and list all the things
that bug you.

And in what
esteemed medical journal

did you find
this little tidbit, Cosmo?

No. Glamour.

Oh, that's priceless.

"I can't find
he right shade of lipstick.

"I look terrible in a bikini.

He can't find my G-spot."

I said do it someplace private.

You know, it couldn't hurt,
Frasier.

Oh, Niles,
it's absurd.

Hmm. The more you resist

the more I'm wondering
if there's something

you're trying to avoid.

Thanks for backing
me up, Niles.

You know,
the same article said,

"If you rub
a raw potato..."

if we're to sell him on this,
you should drop out now.

No one's going to
sell me on anything.

That sort of exercise
only helps people

that lack self-awareness.

I, for one, am...

God Almighty!

Well, no wonder
you're stressed.

You've got
a whole universe to run.

30 seconds, Frasier.

All right.
I'm going to be off.

You take care of yourself.
I'll see you tonight.

All right.

Are you sure you're
up to this?

Oh, I'll be fine, Roz.

I'm not as delicate as all that.

How'd you do
it, anyway?

Blowing out a cupcake.

You know, Frasier,

we can always put
in a Best of Crane.

No, no, Roz.

Now just have
a little bit of faith in me.

I'm a lot tougher
than that.

I tell you what.

If I feel like I need help
toward the end of the show,

I'll give you
a little signal, all right?

All right.
Five seconds.

(inhales deeply)

Gosh, you know these flowers
really are beautiful.

Good afternoon, Seattle.

(sneezes)

(cries out)

(sneezes)

(cries out)

(sneezes, cries out)

(Frasier groaning)

Hello? Anyone here?

I guess they're all out.

Okay. Well,
let's just get you settled.

Niles, Niles, slow down.

For God's sakes,

we're not running
a three-legged race.

Ow! Ow! Ow!
Oh, oh, oh. Ow. Okay.

Do you have somewhere to be?

Well, since you
bring it up,

I do actually have a luncheon
with my new lady love.

Oh, well, gosh,
I'd hate to let

my pain stand in
the way of that.

How could that
orthopedist of yours

tell me there was
nothing wrong?

Frasier, I looked
at the X rays myself.

This is not
a skeletal problem.

All right, there.
Now, you're all fine,

and I'm sure
Dad will be by soon.

No, wait.

This couch has
absolutely no support.

Let's try the chair
over there, please?

All right.

You're not heavy.

You're my brother.

Ow! Ow!

God, how could you even take me
to that unprofessional hack?

All he did was give me a bottle
full of horse tranquilizers.

He didn't care about getting
to the root of the problem.

He just wanted to shut me up.

I think it might be time
for one of those pills.

(groans)

All comfy?

Niles, uh, this won't do.

It's even harder than
a seat on a public bus.

Oh, when were you
ever on a bus?

At a cocktail party once,
for "The Friends of Transit."

I wasn't invited
to that.

Will you just help me up,
for God's sake?!

All right, all right.
Hold on, hold on.

Ow. Oh. Ow.
Okay?

Ow. Ow. Ow.
Shh, shh.

Ow, God, you know,

maybe I should take
another one of those pills.

All right.
All right.

I'll get you
a glass of water, okay?

All right.
Let go, let go.

You know, things really
are going well with Mel.

I've been out with her
almost every night.

I don't want
to jinx things,

but I daresay we're
well on our way

to becoming what might
almost pass for an item.

(grunts)

I mean it, Frasier,

she was just the...

Oh, my God!

Did you fall?

No.

No, I'm actually
quite comfortable, Niles.

Look...

there's no glare
on the television

and here's a lovely place
to set your drink.

Just give me your hand

and whatever the chair's
telling you, don't listen.

No, Niles, no.

It's helping my back,
actually, you know,

and when you sit in it,
you don't have to look at it.

(chuckling)

If you're really
interested

in correcting this problem
and not just medicating it,

you should consider that
technique Roz mentioned--

listing your
problems aloud.

Oh, give me a break.

Well, it's perfectly possible

this is connected
to some submerged anxiety.

What's bothering you?

Oh, yes, Niles.

Do you really expect me

to sit here all alone
in this apartment

prattling on endlessly
about my problems

like some sort
of a lunatic?

If you think
I'm going to do that,

you're the one that needs
to get his head examined.

Oh, oh, good God!

Oh, Eddie.

Please, just shoo.

Get off of me,
get off of me.

(sighing)

What?

Oh, do you
want to know

what's bothering me, too?

All right, well,
here's a start.

I'm talking to a dog--
that bothers me.

I'm another year older today.

I suppose that bothers me.

(whimpers)

Though not as much as
people seem to think.

(sighs)

I'm still single.

That's a big one...

not having a woman
to share my life with.

The only women in my life
are friends-- Roz and Daphne.

Daphne's not even
here anymore.

She'll be married soon.

That's going to
be tough on Dad.

Who am I kidding?

It's going to be tough on me.

It's been nice having her here.

Even when my love life
isn't going so well,

I can always come home to a...
a warm and considerate woman.

You know, that's-
that's probably why

I've been so brusque
with her lately.

I know that once she's gone...

I'll probably be
twice as lonely.

Well...

it's quite a realization,
isn't it?

I really do
love Daphne...

...and, now,
I'm about to lose her.

I've got to show her
how I feel about her

while I still have a chance.

Well, I don't know

if it was the therapy
or the-the painkillers,

but I actually feel
a bit better.

Let's try this.

(grunts)

Ah...

(chuckles)

You know, there are subtler ways

to let the patient know
his hour is up.

(door closing)

DAPHNE:
Oh!

Dr. Crane,
I didn't know you were here.

Daphne.
Can't hear anything

in that shower of mine.

It's like a
soundproof vault.

Daphne, I-I wanted to apologize

for being so short
with you this morning.

Oh, it's fine.

No, it's not.

It's never fine.

Listen, come here, please.

Give me a hug.

Oh, Daphne...

do you know how much
you mean to me?

I'm getting an idea.

(door opening)

Hey, Daph.

(door closes)

What's wrong?

You all right?

Well, actually, no.

I overheard something
I wasn't supposed to hear.

It's about
Dr. Crane.

I overhead him say
he's in love with me.

What?

Yeah, and he wants to show
me how much he loves me

while he still
has the chance.

Oh, geez, not this.

You knew about this?

I'm not getting
in the middle of this.

Then it's true.

Look, I kept my mouth shut
for six years.

I'm not saying
anything now.

Six years?!

He's felt this way
for six years?

You didn't hear that from me.

Daphne...

Daphne, I...
can't lower myself into the tub.

Well, don't look at me.

No, I thought I'd skip the bath

and take you up
on that massage you offered.

Those expert hands of yours

might be
just what the doctor ordered.

Let's do it in my bedroom,
shall we?

Oh.

What kept you?

Daphne, here,

just help me
out of this robe, please.

I nearly killed myself
putting it on.

(sighing)

(sighs)

All right.

(sighs)

Here we go.

Now...

remember, your
back's very tender.

So... no sudden
movements.

(grunts)

(groans ecstatically)

Oh.

You know, I'm catching a draft
in this robe.

Perhaps I better change.

I'll be waiting.

Hey, Fras...

Yes, Dad?

Did Daphne tell you?

Tell me what?

She found out Niles
has a thing for her.

What?
Yes. How?

Well, she said
she overheard him earlier

saying how much he loves her.

Oh, dear God.

No wonder
she's been so distracted.

And what did you say?

Did you confirm it?

Well, yes, I said
I knew about it.

Oh, Dad...

Well, come on, what else
was I going to say?

Then I told her it was
none of my business,

and I took off out of there.

Wait a minute.

How did she even
see Niles today?

I don't know, but she said

she overheard him
saying he loves her

and that he wanted to tell her
while he still has a chance.

Oh, no.

What?

I said that.

Oh, not you now.

No, no, no, Dad,
not that.

I was just doing a little
exercise to try to help my back,

and I was talking out loud

about how much I was going
to miss Daphne.

She must have overheard me
and misunderstood.

Who were you talking to?

If you must know,
I was talking to Eddie.

Helps, doesn't it?

Oh, stop it.

Thanks to you,

now Daphne thinks
I'm in love with her,

and here I am
asking her for a massage.

How is she expected
to interpret that?

Hard to say.

Huh?

Oh, boy.

Just take a deep breath
and try to relax.

Daphne...

Let's both do that, shall we?

Daphne...

Dad told me
that you overheard me.

He did?

Yes.

Well, I certainly picked

the wrong person to confide in.

No, no, no.

I-I'm glad he told me

because the truth is
you misunderstood.

You see, when I said
how much I cared about you,

I didn't mean it
in a romantic sense.

Then you don't love me?

Oh, no, of course,
I love you, Daphne,

but... as a friend, that's all.

Oh...

Oh, thank God!

Oh, what a relief!

I mean, I was flattered, but,
oh... yes, yes, all right.

All right, okay,
fine, fine, Daphne.

That's fine. Off you go.

Go ahead.

Oh...

Oh, my, my head.

Oh, it must be
those pills.

Come on, let me give
you that massage

while you can
still feel it.

All right.

Come on, then.

Well...

(sighing and chuckling)

Oh, dear...

(sighing and moaning)

You know, Daph,

we really are going
to miss you around here.

Oh, it's going to be hard
for me, too.

It's something
I haven't even wanted

to think about, leaving.

I know I grumble
a bit, but...

I do love you
and your father.

I'll still come
around, though.

We'll all see
each other.

You know what?

What's that,
Dr. Crane?

Dad's chair.

I'm not taking it with me,
if that's where you're headed.

It felt comfortable.

You took quite a few of
those pills, didn't you?

You know what's curious, though?

Cats?

Yes...

(chuckles)

But I'm talking about
our little mix-up.

When I said to your father,
"Dr. Crane's in love with me,"

he said it's been going on
for six years now.

What did he mean by that?

Oh, that.

He meant Niles.

What?

Niles.

He's crazy about you.

Dr. Crane?

Dr. Crane...

MARTIN (over radio):
Come on, rirfday boy.

Wakey, wakey.

Time for cakey.

Dear God,

has a year passed already?

(barks)

Please, the elastic's pinching
behind my ears.

Oh, come on, it's just
for a couple of hours.

But it's pulling my hair.

Well, you don't hear Eddie
complaining, do you?

I ruv my hat.

You know, I'm this close

to breaking that thing
into a million pieces.

Well, isn't this festive?

Oh, Daphne,
by the way,

thank you for the massage.

I think it did
just the trick.

Anytime, Dr. Crane.

Listen, uh...

just before
I drifted off,

I-I'm afraid
I might have said something

I wish I hadn't.

Yes?

It's about Dad's chair.

I mean,
it may be comfortable,

but I still want
to get it out of here.

Oh, that.
Right.

Why?

I didn't say anything else
I shouldn't have said, did I?

Well, um...

no.

Ah.
No, no...

and don't worry.

Mum's the word.

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

Thank you.

You straighten
things out with Daphne?

Yes, I did.

Boy, that was a close one.

I almost blew Niles' secret.

In the future, will you try
to be more discreet?

I can't pull your chestnuts
out of the fire every time.

Good evening, Daphne.

Dr. Crane.

You look different somehow.

Have you done something new
with your hair?

Oh.

Oh...

That must be it.

Well, hello.

FRASIER:
Niles.

NILES:
Feeling better?

FRASIER: I'm feeling much
better, thank you.

Oh, that must be
a present for me.

♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪

(laughing)

♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Thank you!