Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 5 - First Do No Harm - full transcript

Dr. Crane, I just wanted to tell you
how much I miss your show.

Oh, well, thank you so much.
I miss it too.

Yes, the brisk exchange of ideas,

the crackling interplay
between me and my callers.

Well, you're very kind.

See that, Roz? The public
still craves the kind of excitement

that only Frasier Crane can provide.

Roz!

I am so sorry.

The baby kept me up
all night long last night.

I'm trying to get her used to her crib,
but she just hates to sleep alone.



Well, the acorn certainly
doesn't fall far from...

I have got to wake up.
I'm on my way to an interview.

I'd kill for a cup of regular coffee,
but I'm still nursing, so I can't.

You know, it was just all I could do
to get myself dressed

and then feed the baby
this morning.

Yes, well, next time,

maybe you should try feeding first
and dressing second.

- Oh, my God!
- Yes.

- How did I miss this?
- Well...

On the plus side, it does divert the eye
from the blueberries in your teeth.

What? I can't go
to this interview like this.

- Of course you can.
- Oh, I'm just gonna call and cancel.

No, Roz, no, please, just check
your teeth, yes, put your jacket on,

and I swear, you'll look every inch
the smart career gal on the go.



- There.
- Thanks, Frasier.

Hey, Roz. Is that the newest thing,
wearing two different shoes?

Oh, my God!

Hi, Dad. So, what brings you here?

Well, I thought you needed
a little cheering up.

You've been kind of mopey lately.

Well, I had kind of a rough night
at the wine club.

During the blindfolded tasting,

I gave four stars
to a Mexican Zinfandel.

Well, I don't just mean last night.

I mean, you've been kind of down ever
since you lost your job, you know?

And you haven't had a date
in I don't know how long.

I know how long,
and this isn't the way to cheer me up.

Don't worry. I found a girl for you.

Now, Duke's daughter Marie
just moved back in town...

Dad, blind dates remain
the refuge of the lovelorn.

If you didn't talk like that, you might
not have to get set up so much.

Now, listen, she's not a blind date.
You know Marie.

- Spent a week with her at the lake.
- She was 6 years old!

Duke said she's grown
into a real looker.

Yes, well, I have seen Duke.

And unless he sired a love child
with Catherine Deneuve,

I don't like my odds.

- Uncle Martin!
- Oh, Marie!

Look at you. You remember Frasier?

Bonjour!

I don't know when I've had
such a delicious meal.

You really made this dessert
yourself?

Well, yes. It's a little something
I like to call Crane br?l?e.

You always were a gourmet.

Even at the lake,
whenever we had fish sticks,

you insisted on white grape juice.

Is everything all right there?

It's just a little quirk of mine.

I like to keep things straight,
you know, in parallel lines.

Yes, I noticed that earlier
with the asparagus.

It's weird, I know.
It used to drive my mother crazy.

Well, you know, we all have
our little idiosyncrasies.

- How is your mother, anyway?
- Still on my case.

After the divorce,
things just got worse.

Oh, I'm doing it again, aren't I?
I'm sorry. I'll stop.

Look.

Anyway, I haven't figured out how
to have a normal relationship with her.

You know, we're all striving to have
what we call "normal" relationships.

But who really knows
what normal is?

- You can move it back now.
- Thank you.

What do you say we have our wine
out on the balcony?

- The balcony?
- Yes.

You haven't had a chance
to see the view.

Wow! That is some view, all right.
Beautiful.

- You're afraid of heights, aren't you?
- I'm taking classes.

They give us these exercises to do.

They just work better when
you're standing on a little milk crate.

Oh, I must seem totally neurotic.

Not at all.

I guess I'm going a little nuts
since I moved in with my dad.

Thank God,
I'm getting my own place next week.

Oh, yes, well,
I suspect that will help a lot.

You know, very often,
the key to mental health

is distancing ourselves
from our parents.

I'm home. Oh, hey!

Sorry to barge in on you kids.

That's all right.
Why don't you join us for dessert?

Oh, thanks anyway,
but I had Crane br?l?e for lunch.

I did a little dry run earlier.

I wanted to make sure my carameliser
wasn't on the fritz.

I was proud the first time
he brought that blowtorch home

- until I saw what it was for.
- Dad!

Oh, no, I'm only joking.
She knows that.

He's a great kid, Marie.

I mean, sure, he's out of work now,
but he's hit the skids a lot of times,

and he always manages
to bounce right back up.

I think you've sprinkled enough
pixie dust for one evening.

Okay. Okay.

Well, good night, you two.

- I should probably get going too.
- All right.

Thank you for a great evening.

And for all the wonderful advice.
It was very insightful.

You're quite welcome, Marie.

Perhaps you can offer me
a little insight as well.

Will this be our only night together
or will I see you again?

Well, you're pretty good
at interpreting things.

Maybe this will answer
your question.

Well, then, you have a nice life.

And just as this hunter catches up
to me and is about to kill me,

I wake up on the cot in my dad's
oak-panelled rumpus room.

That is a terrifying nightmare.

Are there any other figures
in the rumpus room?

No, that's not part of the dream.
I really sleep there.

I wish I didn't have to go. Can we talk
about this after the museum tonight?

Oh, of course.
I thought it was the opera tonight.

No, the museum opening.

You promised me in the shower
this morning, remember?

Yes.

But I was under duress.
You had a loofah to my head.

Oh, Niles,
you just missed Duke's daughter.

I saw!

Is it possible that's the same little girl

we used to refer to as
"The Ugly Dukeling"?

- She is stunning.
- Isn't she, though?

You know, the insecure part of me

has trouble figuring out
why she's going out with me.

I mean,
she could have her pick of men.

And I am a little older, haven't been
to the gym as often as I should,

and you can feel free to contradict me
anytime you like, Niles.

You must have something,
because she's clearly charmed by you.

Yes, well, whatever the reason,

we certainly have
the most wonderful time together.

We have the greatest discussions.

I've been helping her sort
through some of her issues.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

It's a very complex relationship
with her mother

which has given rise to several striking
phobias and a recurring dream.

And the most charming little
obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Oh, well, then, there you go.

Perhaps she's attracted to you
because of your psychiatric expertise.

Well, what are you suggesting,
Niles?

That Marie's going out with me
just to get free therapy?

- Well, it was just a thought.
- That's a mean-spirited thought.

Marie's not using me.

She would want me just as much
even if I weren't a psychiatrist.

Why, you're jealous.
You're jealous that I'm having sex.

Jealous that I'm having hot,
passionate, sweaty, jungle sex.

What are you having?

I'm having a latte.

Will this be all right for you?

Is there enough light here
for you to see her?

Yeah, I'm telling you, Phil,
she's really cute.

You'll see for yourself
in a couple of minutes.

Oh, wait. She's coming in now.
I gotta go.

- Hey, Daphne, how's it going?
- Fine.

- Good.
- What are you so chipper about?

Oh, nothing. It's a beautiful night out.

Say, why don't you come out and
have a look at the moon with me?

- Why, is it full?
- I don't know.

All right.

- It's a beaut, isn't it?
- Oh, yeah, very romantic.

Now, wait! Wait!
Come here, come here.

I gotta show you something else too.
Over here.

Look at that, the way the moonbeams
bounce off that reflecting pool.

Oh, yeah, that's really something.

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

- Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.
- I'm not.

You're signalling to someone.

Well, all right.
I did such a good job with Frasier,

I thought maybe I could fix you up
with some nice guy.

Is it that man up there
with the binoculars?

Yeah, isn't that a great building?

He does real well.
He owns half that floor.

- Mr. Crane!
- What?

I don't believe it!

Putting me on display,
like a bloody concubine!

Well, you get a turn too.

I got this telescope set up
so you could have a look at him.

See, he liked you. Hello?

Yeah, well, I told you she was pretty.

What do you mean,
can I show you another one?

What do you think I'm running here?

So there I am,
actually biting the fingernails

of the same hand
that's holding the phone,

not two minutes after
I'm on with my mother.

- Isn't that so revealing?
- Well, yes. Yes, I'd say it is.

Is everything okay, Frasier?
You seem a little quiet.

No, no, I was just so enjoying
our museum chat,

I was wondering how we got on
to the subject of mothers.

Well, it was a Whistler exhibit.

Yes, yes, I'm sorry.
I guess I'm just a bit tense.

Why didn't you say something?
I'll give you a little massage.

Oh, really? Well, all right,
if you think that'll help.

It's such an amazing feeling, being
in the presence of so much beauty.

Yes, well, you say that now.

In six weeks,
you'll be telling me to lose weight.

The Whistler, I know, I know.

Gosh, isn't it great
that we both enjoy art so much?

- I could just talk about it all night.
- Me too.

Oh, you know, I couldn't help noticing
your staring at that riverscape.

You couldn't take your eyes off of it.

Yeah, I think it's because it
reminded me of my recurring dream.

You know, we were gonna talk
more about that.

Oh, yes, yes. The dream, being
pursued by the hunter and the arrows.

- Yeah.
- Well...

You know, I'm not really feeling up
to talking about it right now.

Do you think we could do it
some other night?

All right.

What did you think
of the riverscape?

Oh, well, I enjoyed it.

I was also enjoying
what you were doing just now.

I'm sorry. My hands were just
getting a little bit of a cramp.

Oh, well, then let me do you, then.

Oh, actually, it's getting late.
You know, maybe I should get home.

Thought you were
spending the night.

Oh, I'd like to, but I have
an early morning and I hate to rush.

I had a great evening tonight.

You know, about that dream,
I did have one thought.

- Really?
- Yes.

Forest imagery very often represents
our most primal emotions,

hence its frequent use in fairy tales,

which could be a link
to your childhood.

You are so good at this.
Much better than my therapist.

- You have a therapist?
- Oh, not anymore. Who can afford it?

Anyway, you know,
my hands are feeling much better.

Why don't we give that massage
another shot?

Oh, yeah.

So I noticed that I often have this
dream right after I talk to my mother.

Boy, your muscles are so tense.
Is it just your neck or all over?

It's all over.

Frasier, Frasier,
you will not believe this.

Little Alice said her first word today.
It was "ma."

Or it may have been "moo."

Mary, that's the sitter,
gave her this little toy cow.

She's always doing stuff like that.
I love Mary.

I love this little cow too.

It's the cutest little thing.
It's brown and white.

That's a Jersey cow, right?
That's where Mary's from, Jersey.

Yeah! I'll take a splash more.

You know, I stopped nursing yesterday
and, boy, have I missed this stuff.

Cup of mud, java, my old friend joe.

That's funny,
Mary's husband's name is Joe.

Oh, my God, he's picking her up.
I gotta go. This has been fun.

You look great.
Nice talking with you.

- Frasier, may I join you?
- Well, of course, Niles.

And I'm sorry about yesterday.

No, no, I'm the one
who should be apologizing.

I never meant to suggest
that Marie was...

Niles, Marie and I broke up.

I'm sorry.
Did she at least give you a reason?

I broke up with her, but thank you for
the daily shot in the arm of confidence.

I talked to Duke. What the hell
did you break up with Marie for?

I'm terribly sorry.
I don't mean to cause a rift

between you and your friend,
but I couldn't continue with it.

You see, once I confirmed that Marie
was primarily interested in me

as a sounding board for her problems,
I just had to end it.

Just as Niles suggested I should.

I never suggested that!

Well, no, all I said
was that one of the things

she might appreciate about you
is your psychiatric expertise.

If you were a world-class chef,
she'd appreciate your cooking.

If you were a stand-up comedian,
she'd appreciate your jokes.

If you were a dermatologist, she had
a big growth coming out of her face...

Yes, Dad, I get it. Thank you.

I am sorry, but if you had let
the relationship continue,

she might have found other things

that she'd appreciate about you
just as much.

Maybe there's still time
to win her back.

It'd take a pretty big bouquet
of flowers to do that.

I don't know. Maybe if I explain what
really happened, she'll forgive me.

Sometimes the best apology
is the truth.

You'll tell her you thought she was
prostituting herself for therapy,

but now you've decided that's okay?

Well, not that truth.
Some other truth.

- Good evening, Dad.
- Hey, you two. How was dinner?

It was great. We went to my favourite
restaurant, this little Korean barbecue.

Yes, it's just fabulous.
You get to cook your own food

on this little grill that's
right in the centre of the table.

It splatters a little bit, but,
you know, that's what makes it fun.

Well, clearly,
you had a marvellous time.

- Oh, hello again, Marie.
- Hi, Niles.

If we're gonna go away,
I should make reservations.

Right. I tell you what, use the phone
in my bedroom. I'll be in in a minute.

Actually, just thinking about
getting away

is making me feel more
relaxed already.

- She has a little problem with heights.
- I saw that.

Well, I'm sure glad you guys
patched things up, anyway.

You know,
Duke and I go back a long way.

Got a lot of friends,
but there's something I get from Duke

- that I don't get from anybody else.
- Seahawks tickets.

And don't think that SOB
wasn't ready to pull them, either.

Dad dragged me to one
of those Korean barbecues once.

I've had that suit
dry-cleaned three times.

Eddie still greets me in a carnivorous
frenzy every time I wear it.

Yes, well, the next time Marie
and I go out for dinner,

I'm gonna pick the restaurant,

preferably one where
the stove gets its own room.

Well, she certainly seems
smitten with you.

Yes, she certainly does,
doesn't she?

And I'm quite captivated with her.

You know, I can't put my finger
on exactly why, but...

I'm just glad things
are going well for you.

Are they ever.

I find her more enchanting each day.
Oh, you know what?

I am particularly intrigued
by this recurring dream she has.

She's in the woods,
she's being pursued by a hunter.

And get this, when she turns to
confront the pursuer,

- the hunter has no face.
- Fascinating.

I'm determined to get to
the bottom of it.

I'm sure it would shed light on her
mother issues and this fear of heights.

Oh, God, I've just discovered
that she absolutely refuses

to touch a doorknob
with her bare hand.

Thanks to my natural chivalry,
I missed that for a whole week.

Is that all you talk about,
her problems?

Well, no, no.
We talk about lots of things.

Art, the theatre. Why?

- Oh, it's just a passing thought.
- Well, pass it over here.

Well, you were asking
what most captivated you about her.

Perhaps she's giving you a chance to
exercise your psychiatric muscles.

- What?
- You've been out of work for a while.

Niles, Marie is a stunning woman
with a body to die for,

and you think all I'm interested in
is her mind?

How shallow do you think I am?

Well, there's no need
to get defensive.

There's not a problem,
unless she's falling in love with you

and you're only interested in her
as a case study.

I assure you, I am interested in all
aspects of Marie, not just her psyche.

For God's sakes, you know,

I could happily go for weeks
without discussing it once.

- Glad to hear it.
- Well, thank you.

If you'll excuse me, I have someone
waiting for me in the other room.

Oh, dear God!
Unhand me, you wretch!

Oh, you vile creature!
Oh, for God's sake, you miserable...

Niles, please,
drop him a Liv-A-Snap!

Oh, let go of me!

Let go of that leg, you...

My father's best friend.

Well, after your father.

We're all booked for this weekend.
There's a lake, hiking.

Sounds like a perfect place to relax.

You know, I do love the country.
It's so relaxing.

I swear to God, I'm out like a light
as soon as my head hits the pillow.

Then we'll have to ask for a room
with no pillows.

Oh, that reminds me,
I had that dream again.

But this time,
I saw the hunter's face.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- You'll never guess who it was.
- Who?

- No, no.
- Is something wrong?

No, it's just that I'd rather not
discuss the dream right now.

Oh, you're right. I'm sorry.

Like you even care
who the hunter is right now.

Yes, there are so many other things
I'm more interested in.

- Yeah, that's better, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Do you feel relaxed?

- Was it your sister?
- What?

The hunter.
It was your sister, wasn't it?

No. I thought
you didn't wanna talk about this.

Oh, God, you're right, you're right.
I don't. I really... I really don't.

I'd much rather be exploring
other things right now,

like your lips and your chin

- and your neck.
- Oh, keep going.

Oh, for God's sake, who was it?

- What is with you?
- I just have to know!

- Okay. It was me.
- Of course it was!

The hunter represents your feelings
of anger and abandonment

that you've been running
from ever since your parents' divorce.

Until now, you've been able
to avoid those painful arrows,

sometimes seeking refuge
in the forest of repression.

Now, your willingness to identify the
hunter signals that you are now ready

to reintegrate these complex emotions
into a more cohesive self!

Wow! It's all so clear now.

It certainly is!

That was amazing.

I'm so glad I gave you
a second chance.

- Oh, Marie, l...
- Please don't apologise.

Maybe someday it'll be some
funny story we tell our grandkids,

the time Grandpa broke up
with Grandma.

- Actually, Grandma...
- Yes?

I'm afraid this isn't gonna work.

What?

- Us. I'm afraid that...
- Wait a minute.

Am I crazy
or are you breaking up with me again?

Well, they're not completely
unrelated.

You see,
you are a beautiful young woman

and I have really enjoyed tackling
some of these issues with you.

It's that I don't think
that's the basis for a relationship.

You deserve someone
who appreciates all you offer.

I don't believe this.

I feel more like your therapist
than your boyfriend.

But I thought we were having
such a good time together.

I'm afraid our time is up.

This weekend's game?
Well, yeah, I want them, Duke.

Seahawks-Chiefs, are you kidding?
I'll pick them up tomorrow.

Hey, wouldn't it be a kick
if we wound up in-laws?

- Go to hell!
- Oh, hold on a sec.

Good, embrace the anger.
It's the best way to mental health.

I don't need health tips
from you, you quack!

You made progress
in the time we've been together.

Oh, don't flatter yourself!

- I have the name of a specialist.
- Call him yourself!

Hey, Duke, I'm gonna be kind
of busy tomorrow.

Maybe you could just drop
those tickets in the mail

right now, so you don't forget.