Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 4 - Hot Ticket - full transcript

Well, I'd better be heading out.
Niles and I are meeting for dinner.

And then we have tickets

- to the theatrical event of the season.
- Really?

Yes. Sir Trevor Ainsley
in Tears of the Mariner.

It promises
to be a very exciting evening.

You see, Seattle is Sir Trevor's
last stop on his farewell tour.

After this,
he's retiring from the stage forever.

Tears of the Mariner.
I think I read a review of that.

I thought it was one of those baseball
stories like Pride of the Yankees.

But it's just about some crabby
old sailor stuck in this little town...

No, no, Dad, please. I have carefully
avoided all the reviews of this play.



I don't wanna hear about it
before I see it.

Well, I don't wanna hear about it
after you see it.

- Oh, hello, Daphne.
- Hey, Daph.

That's it? "Hello, Daphne"?
Haven't you seen the paper?

No, I glanced at it. Why?
Did I miss something?

Look.

- Oh, my gosh. Is that you?
- Yes.

Good heavens.
Well, it's kind of hard to tell.

You've got your back
turned to the camera

and your skirt's blown up
around your...

Oh, well, it must have been
rather blustery out.

I was in the park yesterday.
This photographer

snapped my picture
for the "It's Your Seattle" column.

The one where they show
some average person out and about,



then use their name on the column.

If they took a picture of Mr. Crane,

the caption would read,
"Martin Crane's Seattle."

If they took one of you,
it would say, "Frasier Crane's..."

Yes, we get it.

Don't crinkle it.
I want to send it home to my family.

- You sure about that?
- Oh, don't be such an old fogy.

So I'm bending down
and me knickers are showing a bit,

but my family will still be as proud
as peacocks when they see that.

"Daphne Moon's Seattle."

She certainly does.

Niles, will you just stop it?
The dinner was just fine.

It was not fine. I made
those reservations weeks ago.

They seated us
so close to the kitchen

I'm surprised
they didn't make us wear hairnets.

- I'm sure it was just a mix-up.
- Not a mix-up.

It's part of an alarming trend
I've noticed

- since Maris and I parted company.
- Oh, Niles.

Last week, Roberta Phipps
snubbed me at the opera.

I wasn't even invited
to that gala fundraiser

for Saint Andrew's Orphanage.

You can still send money
to the children.

As usual, you've missed the point.

I'm being shut out.

It is as if someone snuck into my world
and changed all the locks.

Oh, Niles.

Well, at least you don't have to worry
about that tonight.

- After you.
- Thank you. Evening.

Tickets, please.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
These aren't for this performance.

- What?
- What?

But they say for the 16th.
There's the 16th right there.

- That's today.
- Yes, sir. They were for the matinee.

No, no, this had to be some mistake.
Let me just...

- Oh, dear God.
- I'm so sorry, Niles.

Well, surely you must hold
some tickets aside for emergencies.

- We'll take anything, anything at all.
- Yes, yes, even mezzanine.

If you like, you can try your luck
in the cancellation line.

How could this happen?

I have to see this play.

I have to have people
see me see this play.

- If I'm not seen seeing this play, see...
- Niles, Niles.

I will make a simple phone call,

and we'll get house seats
for tomorrow night.

- All right?
- I suppose so.

Come on, let's go.

The last thing I need
is to have someone see us

loitering here like gutter riffraff,

pathetically scrounging
for last-minute tickets.

Good luck.

- Oh, Niles.
- Hello.

I know I'm early.
I was hoping we might get a bite to eat.

Actually, Niles...

It'll be on me as a thank-you
for getting those replacement tickets.

- About the tickets...
- I know I owe you money.

And my gratitude,
and if I keep talking,

you won't be able to tell me
you weren't able to get the tickets.

- I haven't been able to get them yet.
- I knew you wouldn't get them.

- Niles, please.
- It's too late. It's 6:00.

Please just calm down.
I've made a few well-placed calls.

I haven't heard back from
a couple of people. Someone will call.

Well, someone better call,

because everyone who's anyone
is seeing this play.

You know who you are
if you're not anyone? You're no one.

And I've been someone much too long
to start being no one now.

Oh, hey, I thought no one was here.

Niles, please, just relax.

One way or another,
we are going to get tickets.

You two still going on
about those tickets?

If this play's any good,
in a couple of years,

they'll do it at the dinner theatre and
you can get a nice prime rib with it.

Dad, you don't understand.
You see, this isn't just about the play.

This is literally our last opportunity

to see one of the finest actors
of our time.

You wanna go because
your snobby friends are going

and you don't wanna feel left out.

What we want is to sit in a theatre
and share a transcendent experience.

- That nobody else could get tickets to.
- That's the transcendent part.

It's them.

Hello?

Yes, I'll hold. It's Clea Fenwick.

- Clea Fenwick?
- Yes, you remember her.

She's on the board of the theatre.
You've seen her. Bad eye job.

Dowager's hump
you could cross the Sahara on.

Hello, Clea, you lovely thing.

Oh, well, you're a dear
for trying. Thanks.

Don't despair, Niles.
I'm getting another call. Hello?

Yes, Dora. Yes.

Too bad. Well, thank you.
Yeah...

Oh, that is a wonderful idea.
Yes, I will.

- Thank you. Bye-bye.
- She has a lead for us?

Yes. She said I should call
Clea Fenwick.

This is hopeless.

Niles, there is another way.

- You don't mean?
- Yes.

I know it's a calculated risk.
It's a little uncertain.

- You can't be serious. It's unthinkable.
- Niles, what other choice do we have?

But the indignity.
It reeks of desperation.

Now, now,
before you do anything desperate,

at least go and stand
in the cancellation line.

What did he think
we were talking about?

You know, this isn't half
as humiliating as I thought it would be.

Oh, you're right.
I don't know why we were so afraid.

Oh, no.
There's Steven and Susan Kendall.

Quick, turn around.
If they see us here, we'll be ruined.

- They know everybody.
- Yes, I know.

Their Sunday brunches
are a who's who of Seattle's elite.

I think it's safe. No one saw us.

- Hey, Frasier, Niles.
- Hi, Roz.

- What are you doing here?
- And how did you get tickets?

A friend couldn't use hers
so she gave them to me.

I asked my cute new dentist.
He's a big fan of Sir What's-his-face.

You refer to the world's greatest
living actor as...

Now, Frasier, Roz may not
be familiar with Sir Trevor,

but I'm sure she'll enjoy the play.

- I trust you got good seats.
- I think so.

- Row C.
- Row C. Excellent.

Look, a whole bunch of naked men.

What are you doing?

Give me those.
You don't even know his name.

Are you crazy?

- Ready to go, Roz?
- Yes.

- Dr. Mandel?
- Oh, hi, Niles.

You two know each other?

Sure.
How's the teeth bleaching going?

Fine, thanks.

Let's go, Rob.

It's a long way to Row C
from the cancellation line.

Hang in there, guys.
I wouldn't be surprised if you get lucky.

I'd be stupefied if you didn't.

I knew you were bleaching them.

"No, really,
I just changed toothpastes."

Is that Niles Crane? And Frasier?

- Susan, Steven, good to see you.
- We're seeing everybody tonight.

It's simply...

Oh, dear. You're not waiting
for a cancellation, are you?

A what? Oh, is that what this is?

Oh, look at us.

Blocking these poor unfortunates
who couldn't get tickets.

I got one pair left. Who's next?

- Curtain going up.
- Curtain going up. Shall we?

- Next in line, please.
- Niles, are you coming?

You'll have to forgive Niles.

He's too ashamed to admit

that he's just waiting
for one last cigarette.

It's all right. You go ahead.

- I'll just see the Kendalls in.
- Thank God, another smoker.

Darling, maybe I'll just stay
and have a cigarette with Niles.

Do you want these tickets, sir?

Me?

No, no, no.

Steven, please,
I'd really like to sit down.

All right. Niles, we'll make a date.

I'll meet you here at intermission
and we'll have a smoke.

Right here is where I'll be.

- Enjoy.
- See you later.

Well, this is just perfect.

Not only are we missing the play,
but we have to hang around

until intermission
so they won't catch on to us.

What are you complaining about?

I'm the one who has an hour
to learn how to smoke.

Niles, they're coming out.

Come on, let's blend in.

- Niles, what are you doing?
- I'm practising.

I haven't held a cigarette
since I played Duke Mantee

in our junior high production
of The Petrified Forest.

Yes, I remember watching you
from the petrified audience. Come on.

Oh, there they are. Let's go.

- Oh, well, you got out here quickly.
- Yeah.

I guess you needed one of these
more than I did.

Yes, well, when you enjoy smoking
as much as I do.

Bye-bye, feel better. I'll call you.

The Gormleys.
Kendra isn't feeling well.

- Richard is taking her home.
- Oh, well.

- There's Miggy and Lyle.
- Poor old dears.

They could only get balcony.

Still, we should say hello.
They are your parents. Excuse us.

Yes.

Thank God.
Those things are turning me green.

Never mind that, Niles.
The Gormleys aren't coming back.

Let's sneak into their seats
and watch the second act.

Come on, let's go.

- Your ticket stubs, please.
- Oh, I beg your pardon?

I'm sorry, we've had some people
try to sneak in after intermission.

Well, you know,
I think we left our coats in our seats,

and the stubs are in the coats.

- Oh, well, don't worry about it.
- Thank you.

We'll have someone
bring your coats.

Where are your seats?

I'll have to check the seating chart.

- Aren't you going in?
- Oh, yes, yes.

My brother just needed to have
one last cigarette.

- Oh, you're worse than Steven.
- Yes, yes.

Really, Niles, I do wish you'd quit.
I'm begging you.

I just wish I didn't love
the damn things so much.

Yes, well, if we don't see you
afterward, have a lovely evening.

Actually,
we're having a small supper

at La Chanteuse afterwards
for Sir Trevor.

So if you're not busy,
say, around 11?

Good. We'll see you then.

Frasier.

Dinner with Sir Trevor.
That's better than seeing the play.

Niles, are you insane?

We know absolutely nothing
about the damn play.

How can we possibly talk
with this man?

For God's sake, I just wish I'd read
that review in yesterday's paper.

- Do you still have it?
- I might.

Dad lets the papers
pile up for days sometimes.

You know what? We've got just
enough time to get there and back.

- Let's go.
- Where are you going?

You see?
I told you it was the other way.

Now.

- What's going on?
- We're looking for yesterday's paper.

- Well, it should be there.
- Oh, wait, Dad.

That review you're reading yesterday,
Tears of the Mariner.

- Do you remember it?
- Kind of.

All right, just concentrate.
What was the play about?

Well, let me see.

It started out with this old guy
who was gutting a fish.

All right, okay, good.

And then he gives this fish to his son,
but his son rejects it.

Good, good. Then what?

Oh, yeah. Well, then it turns out
that he has this fatal disease.

And the next thing you know,
he's in this big stadium,

and he's telling everybody
that even though he's dying,

that today, he considers himself
the luckiest man...

Dad, that is Pride of the Yankees.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about that.

But I'm pretty sure
that fish part was right.

- This is ridiculous.
- Fish part.

- Wait, wait. Yes.
- Yes.

Here it is. There it is.

"Sir Trevor Ainsley's bravura
performance in Tears of the Mariner

qualifies him as an..."

"Continued on page A-16." A-16.

Just give me a second here.

- Where is it?
- Daphne.

Her picture must've been
on the other side.

It may still be here.
She was gonna mail it to her mother.

Daphne's picture was in the paper?

Yes, well, someone snapped
a candid photo of her in the park.

It's not her most flattering angle,
but I'm sure you would disagree.

Well, open it.

Carefully.

Oh, what the hell.
I'll buy her flowers.

Hey, Dr. Crane,
I thought you went...?

- Is that my letter?
- Daphne, let me explain.

I should've known
I'd never get privacy in this house.

You don't understand. I wanted to...

You just wanted to find out if
I was gossiping about you to my mum.

Well, fine, I was.

A 73-year-old woman
in Manchester is about to find out

that you dye the grey
out of your temples.

There, you happy?

No, I'm not happy. I am mortified.

How did you know that?

I keep my hair dye
in the false bottom of my cufflink box.

Yeah, well, I'll let it go this time.

We haven't got time for this.
We've gotta get down to that party.

- I knew you were dying your hair.
- Shut up.

"No, no, really,
it's just my new conditioner."

Shut up.

And whatever you do,
don't get specific about the play.

That's the mistake
you made last year

when you lied about seeing
The Silent Echo.

All that yammering on about
how the play had third-act problems.

- It fooled no one.
- What makes you so sure?

Well, for starters, The Silent Echo
doesn't have a third act.

Bravo!

Thank you.

God, I need a drink.

- Double Scotch, no ice.
- Yes, sir.

Frasier, Niles. How nice.

Sir Trevor, this is Dr. Frasier Crane.

- And his brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
- It's an honour.

- How do you do?
- Two of our pre-eminent psychiatrists.

- We're huge fans.
- Huge.

They've set up a table for us
in the private room. Shall we?

No, I'll just finish this
and be right along.

Perhaps the two doctors
will keep me company.

I'd love to hear a psychological
interpretation of the play.

All right, but don't be too long.

So tell me,
as students of the human psyche,

did my character ring true?

Oh, yes, so true.

I can honestly say
I never saw a false moment.

Well, what about the third act?

The play clearly
has a third-act problem.

At least it has a third act,

unlike The Silent Echo
which really could have used one.

I quite agree.

I did The Silent Echo
in London last year.

What did you think
of the hat scene?

The hat scene. Well...

You know, the most important thing
about the hat scene,

and I have to stress this...
Dear God, is that clock right?

I have to call the sitter and tell her I'm
going to be late, the children worry so.

- Well, back to the play.
- Right.

Well, you, of course, were brilliant.

Oh, please, Dr. Crane, I just want

your professional analysis
of what you saw tonight.

Well, it...

Of course, I could discuss subtext,
metaphor and imagery with you,

but you see, I...

I come to the theatre

to feel,

to be moved.

And that's exactly
what happened to me tonight.

Really?

When?

When? Well, let me see.

It was... There was that...

The gutting-the-fish scene.

You made
the most heartbreaking gesture.

It was, you know,

the one with your hands. You...

You mean,
when I offer the fish to my son,

and he turns his back to me,
and I reach out to him like this:

Yes, it's even more moving
the second time.

Well...

Who knows why a moment like that
touches us so? But...

You see, that is your gift, Sir Trevor.

You've given us

hundreds of moments.

Moments so real, so compelling,

that we are revealed in their truth.

You don't know
how refreshing this is

to meet someone
who doesn't just come to the theatre

but who gives himself over to it.

That crowd in there, they only come
because it's fashionable.

They don't care about art.

I can spot them at a glance.

The poseurs, the frauds.

Oh, here comes your brother.

The kids are fine.

Excuse me, Sir Trevor, they're waiting
for you in the dining room.

Very well.

And thank you, Dr. Crane,
for your integrity and your passion.

You are the reason that actors act.

I'm sorry I deserted you,
but obviously you carried the day.

- Bravo.
- Oh, yes, bravo for us.

What do you mean?

Do you realise
what we missed tonight?

A potentially life-changing experience
in the theatre.

And why?

Because we were too embarrassed
to be seen in a cancellation line.

Well, admittedly, it was a bit shallow.

Yes, it was more than shallow,
it was shameful.

You're right.

What were we thinking,

kowtowing to a group of snobs
like that?

We weren't thinking.
Come on, let's get out of here.

Frasier, Niles.

Oh, Susan, I'm so sorry,
but we can't stay.

Oh, no.
Sir Trevor will be so disappointed.

He was quite taken with you.

Well, send him our apologies.

It really was wonderful to meet him.

I know this is short notice,
but if you're free this weekend,

we're having
one of our Sunday brunches.

Senator Logan is coming
and Maria de Falco and the Whitneys...

- Just thank you, but I'm afraid we...
- Oh, please try.

I'll hold it open for you.
Check your books and let me know.

Well, how's that for irony?

Sunday brunch at the Kendalls'.

An hour ago, we would have leapt
at that invitation.

Not anymore.

We've got a damned sight
too much integrity.

Although...

Are we being selfish?

- Possibly. How?
- Here's my thinking.

Why do shallow people
remain that way?

The lack of positive influence.

Perhaps our brand of integrity
is what that group needs.

We can be like politicians who
change the system from within.

Exactly. And who knows?
Maybe it'll rub off on Senator Logan.

- He'll bring it back to Washington.
- We have to go.

Yes. What are you wearing?

- I'm gonna wear my new Prada suit.
- You're a fashion plate and a patriot.