Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 3 - Dial M for Martin - full transcript

Don't walk away from me
when I'm yelling at you!

I'll walk away from you if I want to.

- It's my house!
- Yes, don't I know it.

You have no respect for my stuff.

Well, if you had labelled
the cassette Rodeo Bloopers,

I wouldn't have taped over it,

I would've thrown it away.

Dad, I'm sorry.

Forget it, Fras.

It's just I've been so tense lately,
being out of work.

I know, it's not easy us both
being home so much.



Yeah. Well, I suppose that during
this little in-between-jobs period,

we should just try to be extra careful
to not get on each other's nerves.

All right, I'll do that.

Good.

Dad, what's this?

Oh, a call came in for you.

Rebecca Wendell.

- Oh, my God.
- Isn't she that model you been after?

Not just a model, Dad.
A lingerie model.

I met her at the symphony.
Wow, this is amazing.

- When did this come in?
- About an hour ago.

- I was here an hour ago.
- Yeah, you were in the tub.

That didn't stop you yesterday
when you came in to ask me

if a peach smelled funny.
For God's sakes, Dad.



I'd like to know why this is my fault.

I put it there in the special-message
bowl that we're all supposed to use.

Damn, it's her machine.

Thanks. I've been looking forward
to this for months.

Now you know how I feel
about the rodeo tape.

For God's sake, the two things
have no comparison!

Hello, Rebecca.

It's Frasier. Sorry I missed you.

Please try again. Bye.

I hope you're happy.
I have to sit here all afternoon

waiting for the phone to ring.

- As opposed to what you normally do?
- Oh, that's rich coming from you.

A man who's spent the last five years
welded to his aptly named La-Z-Boy.

Well, I'm not so lazy
that I can't get the hell out of here.

- I haven't finished talking yet.
- I'm finished listening.

- As usual, running from the problem.
- Not the problem, the yammering.

You wanna tape over something?
Try your mouth!

- Hey, Martin.
- Oh, hi, Roz.

Decaf latte to go, please.
So is Frasier here?

I hope not.

Oh, he's just been such a pill lately.

You know, it's tough for people
when they're out of work.

They just get a little tense
and irritable.

To go, I said to go.

Maybe you need to take a little break
from each other.

Have you ever thought about,
I don't know,

staying with Niles for a while?

Out of the frying pan,
into the fire, huh?

Think about it. Niles' place is so huge,
and he's at work all the time.

Yeah, it's true.
And Maris is out of the picture now.

You know what?
I just thought of something.

For a while there,
your daughters-in-law

were Maris and Lilith.

- Whoa, happy Thanksgiving.
- Yeah.

Hey, Niles.

- Oh, hello.
- Niles.

I'm not interrupting
anything personal, am I?

Yeah, Niles, we just eloped.
I'm your new mom.

Well, I'll be a son of a bitch.

Latte, please.

Martin, why don't you tell Niles
your new idea?

Well, actually, it was Roz's idea,

but I think she might have something,
you know.

Frasier and I have been
kind of butting heads lately.

Well, Frasier has been very difficult.
I don't know how you live with him.

Well, that was Roz's idea.

She suggested that I move in
with you for a while.

- Did she?
- Yeah.

Yeah, you know, we talked about it
when I first got shot

but, of course,
Maris was the problem.

So I guess the big question now is,
do you still want me?

Oh, don't be silly.

I want you just as much now
as I wanted you then.

Well, I guess this is gonna work out.

- Thanks, Roz.
- Don't mention it.

The look on Niles' face
is thanks enough.

Now, Dad, you're sure
it won't bother you

to live so far from the park
and McGinty's...

Oh, no, no, not at all. There's a bus
that stops right in front of your place.

- Eddie and I don't mind taking the bus.
- Eddie?

Eddie.

You know, I just remembered, Dad,
my building doesn't allow dogs.

Well, that's it then,
because I'm not leaving Eddie.

Oh, of all the horrendous luck.

Oh, well, thanks anyway.

I guess I'll just look for a little place.

Can't be too small though,

because I gotta have a bedroom
for Daphne.

You know, Dad,
about that no-dog rule,

I could speak to Clarice,
the head of our co-op board.

Oh, really?
You think they'd make an exception?

Well, let's just say she's bent
quite a few rules in her day

and if she doesn't want her husband
to find out, she'll bend this one.

- That's great.
- Yes, well, then it's settled.

Daphne can move in straight away.
You and Daphne.

Great.

- Oh, hello, Niles.
- Frasier, where's Daphne?

I think at the market.

Hello, Dad.

Frasier, about this afternoon...

Look, let's just drop it, all right?

All's well that ends well,

and this afternoon ended
very well indeed.

Your underwear model called?

Just after you left, actually.

We spoke for about an hour,
and we're having dinner together

on Saturday night.

Well, that's great.
I hope everything works out.

Actually, Dad, on that score,

you could make yourself scarce
that night.

Well, actually, I'm moving in
with Niles for a couple of months.

Well, have some confidence
in me, Dad.

It won't take me that long.

No, no. No, no, I mean it.
Niles and I have been talking about it.

Yes, and I think it's a fine idea.

I know I've been out of sorts lately,

I hope I haven't made
you feel unwanted.

No, no, it's nothing like that.

Listen, I've been living under your roof
for five years now.

You've earned a little time
to yourself.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

- Maybe you should sleep on it tonight.
- Frasier, Frasier, please. Look.

You've had a chance to get closer
to Dad these past few years,

and I wouldn't mind having
that same chance myself.

Frankly, I'm a bit jealous.

Well, I am sorry, Niles.

I guess I haven't been seeing this
from your angle.

- Hello, all.
- Hello, Daphne.

Quite a little angle it is too.

Let me ask you something. How would
you feel about moving in with Niles?

- You serious?
- Yes.

- Just me?
- Yes. No, no, and Dad.

Just till Frasier goes back to work.

It's been a little crowded
around here.

Well, I won't argue with that.

You know,
Dr. Crane has quite a few stairs.

- Are you sure you can manage them?
- Oh, sure.

Nobody knows better than you
how well my hip's getting.

Well, what are we waiting for?
Here, let's get you packed.

Wait a minute.

I was hired
as Mr. Crane's physical therapist,

and if he can make it up and down
that staircase of yours,

he really doesn't need
full-time care anymore.

This is hard for me to say,
but maybe it's time I moved on.

We all knew this day
would come sooner or later.

What about my exercises?

You'll do fine on your own.

Believe me, it's not that I want to go.
I'm very fond of you all.

I'm not like a psychiatrist,

who works with someone
for years and years

and it doesn't matter
if they ever get better.

My work here is done.
I have to go where I'm needed.

- Well, we need you.
- Dad needs you.

Look, it's not like I'm leaving
right this minute.

I'll help you get settled in
while I look for a new job.

- But, Daphne...
- Oh, please,

don't make a big fuss about this.
You'll just make me cry.

This is no time for tears.

Well, I guess you know what's best.

It's sure gonna be Ionely though,
just the two of us.

It won't just be the two of you,
you'll have Eddie.

- Dad.
- Eddie, whatever you're on, get off.

I've been on hold
with my employment agency forever.

And thanks again for making me feel
so welcome here until I find a new job.

Yes, I'm here.

Nothing at all?
Not even part-time therapy?

Well, I'll stay in touch. Bye-bye.

So no job yet, eh?

No, unfortunately.

Still, tragedies happen every day.
I mustn't give up hope.

I wish you'd consider
staying here with us.

I don't know how Dad's gonna
manage without you.

He doesn't need me anymore.

Nonsense.
I know he puts on a brave front,

but the plain truth is,
the man is practically an invalid.

All right, come back here.

- What's he got now?
- Oh, my sneaker.

You give me that back

or I'm not taking you
for your speed walk.

- Oh, hi, Frasier.
- Hi, Dad. Hi, Niles.

Forgive me, I know how annoying
it can be to drop by without calling.

Oh, don't worry, I used to do it.

That's how I know. Hello, Eddie.

I've got a surprise for you, something
you left at the house. There we are.

Don't worry, Niles,
you'll get used to it.

Oh, and, Dad, I've got a little surprise
for you as well.

All right, boys, bring it on in here.

Oh, great, here it is. Now this place
is starting to look like home.

Yes, and finally so is mine.

Well, I'm just gonna go
finish unpacking.

Well, you just follow him up
with that.

Oh, no, no, leave it there.

That way I won't get my pizza cheese
all over your fancy chairs.

Doesn't the cheese
go in your mouth?

That's certainly the goal, but you can't
hit that bull's-eye every time.

Okay, this isn't working out.
You have to take him back now.

- He's been here for eight hours.
- I don't care.

I only signed on for this because
Daphne came in the bargain

and she's leaving.
You have to help me, I'm desperate.

Niles, which wall should I hang
my swordfish on?

None of them,
I just had that room frescoed.

- Daph.
- Thanks, Rhonda, you're a lifesaver.

Bye-bye.

Well, good news
on the employment front?

Yes, a friend of mine
just got me an interview.

It's an elderly woman suffering from
brittle bone disease, the poor thing.

Oh, well, normally I'd say
break a leg but...

Oh, I'm gonna miss you. All of you.

But like I told your brother,
there's simply no reason for me to stay

as long as your father's
so strong and healthy.

Oh, dear God.

- Oh, my God, Dad.
- Oh, are you all right?

- Yeah.
- What happened? Come on.

- I don't know. L...
- Oh, we just got tangled up there.

- Dad, I am so sorry.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, don't worry about it,
it was an accident.

Well, you do seem
to be in one piece.

Still, it was an awfully big fall.
Would you help me get some ice?

Good thinking, Daphne.
I know I could use a drink.

- Boy, that was so weird.
- Yeah.

Niles just kicked my cane out
right from under me.

Yeah, I know he wants
to keep Daphne around here

but I didn't think he'd go that far.

Well, no, not deliberately,

but maybe he was acting
on an unconscious level.

What are you talking about?
I was just making a joke.

- Oh, well, then just skip it, Dad.
- No, no, wait a minute.

You think Niles was actually
trying to hurt me?

No, no, it's just that sometimes,
when the motivation is strong enough,

the unconscious can cause a person
to act in ways

that the conscious
would find unthinkable.

So you're saying that this
wasn't an accident?

Oh, it's a crazy theory.
I'm sorry I even brought it up.

You know what?
I think I'll be off now.

Off to my bachelor pad.

I have a date tonight
with a lingerie model.

Well, bachelor pad, lingerie model.

The sweetest words
in the English language.

I'm sorry I won't be there.

Wait, we have a tie.

Frasier...

All right, Mr. Crane, I need you
to take a seat so I can ice your hip.

I'm fine. Why is everybody
making such a big fuss?

- Wait, don't sit down.
- What?

- You nearly impaled yourself.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, thank you, Daphne. I don't know
what it is about these things,

they keep ending up
in the oddest places.

Hi, Frasier, it's Rebecca.

Your voice sounds so sexy
on your machine.

Anyway, I loved talking to you
this afternoon, and I was thinking,

instead of going to a noisy restaurant,
maybe we could just stay in tonight,

open some wine,
curl up in front of the fire.

Just a warning though,

I'm coming straight from a shoot
so I'll be wearing my work clothes.

I can't believe I said that. Bye.

Hi, Frasier, it's Rebecca.

Your voice sounds so sexy
on your machine.

Anyway, I loved talking...

Boy, the floors around here
are so slippery.

- Yes, I just had them polished.
- Well, I wish you would've told me.

Eddie just slid into a wall
and chipped his tooth.

Now he whistles when he breathes.

Well, Dad, I can assure you,
there'll be no slipping in here.

Look, a brand-new safety rail
installed just for you.

And, as requested, traction decals.

Well, I don't need to worry
about falling in...

Dad, are you okay?

Wow, yeah. It's a good thing
I wasn't in the shower,

- I could've cracked my head open.
- Oh, Dad...

I guess I'm not much
of a handyman, am I?

You put this thing up yourself?

Yes, my contractor was out of town.
Don't worry,

you can use my bathroom to shower.
Just let me know when you do.

The plumbing's temperamental,
if I were to run the dishwasher,

you might be horribly scalded.

You know, I took an extra-Iong shower
yesterday.

You know, that ought to hold me.

- You sure you don't need a hand?
- Just keep moving.

Guess what.

I got the job. I can't believe it,
I start in the morning.

- You what?
- I'll tell you about it later.

I have to call my employment agency
right away.

- I can't let her leave. I just can't.
- There's nothing we can do about it.

I still have a day.

Just have to be more resourceful.

Like how?

It's my problem, not yours.
I just have to think.

Fresh air.
Maybe that'll calm me down.

Oh, look at the sunset.

Dad, come join me on the balcony.

Eddie, get out of here, quick.
Come on, come on, come on.

Come on.

Dad!

- Lord, what are you doing here?
- Look, we gotta talk.

- Now? Not a good time.
- But it's getting spooky over at Niles'.

I know it's unsettling
the way he changes

into that Chinese dressing gown
after dinner, but you'll get used to it.

No, I think his unconscious
is trying to hurt me.

- Dad, that's preposterous.
- No, it isn't.

Can't we talk about this
in the morning?

There is no way your own flesh
and blood would try to hurt you.

I'm sorry.

Well, at least let me get Eddie's pillow
out of my room, will you?

All right, but just hurry it up, will you?

Daphne.

What is going on?

I hope I'm not catching you
at a bad time.

- Well, actually, I'm waiting for a date.
- Well, I'll just run in and out.

I need to pick up my exercise mat.

Oh, good Lord.
Is everything all right?

I'm sorry, I think I'm just a bit nervous
about my new job.

- Yes, yes.
- I'll be all right.

I just wish I didn't miss
being here so much.

Oh, Daphne.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Listen, you're gonna be just fine.

You know,
transitions are always difficult.

The trick is just not to rush them.

Niles!

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm going out of my mind.

I am this close to living under
the same roof with Daphne...

Before you go on,
let me say one thing.

- What is it?
- Get out.

- Wait, wait, I need to talk about this.
- Is that Niles?

Dad, hey, why did you run off?
I've been looking for you everywhere.

- No, Niles, stay away from me.
- What?

Now, Niles, I'm not mad at you,
just your unconscious.

It wants Daphne to stay around so bad
that it's been trying to hurt me.

- What?
- Well, Frasier can explain it better.

Exactly who is hurting whom, and what
does any of this have to do with...?

- Daphne.
- Oh, look, we're all together again,

- just like old times.
- Oh, dear. Oh, God.

Well, we certainly do
have a lot to talk about.

Tell you what, let's meet at Niles'
for breakfast tomorrow.

I'm not getting in the elevator
with him.

Dad, Daphne, go in shifts then.
You first.

- All right.
- Go on.

Eddie, you too.
Shake a leg, mister, let's go.

- Right now, out of here.
- Move it, move it, move it.

You actually convinced Dad
I was trying to harm him?

Niles, I did no such thing.

I simply advanced a theory.
I had no idea he would take it to heart.

- Oh, balderdash.
- Oh, please, Niles.

Surely it's occurred to you,

your desire for Daphne is forcing
you to behave in very strange ways.

Or do you shove Dad
down the stairs every day?

- That was an accident!
- Oh, Niles,

any psychiatrist worth his salt knows
that there are no accidents.

No one would do something like that,
however unconsciously,

unless they stood to gain from it.

Oh, dear.

Oh, my God.

Oh, thank God. We're here to help.

What did you kick my cane for?

It was an accident.
I was playing with Eddie.

My hip's killing me.

Dad, don't worry about it.

Niles has a nice comfy bed
you can recuperate in.

I can't go up and down
those stairs now!

The best thing would be for him
to stay with you.

He'll need full-time attention.
I'll cancel my job...

All right, just hold it!

Nobody's cancelling anything.

The man fell down stairs today.

He could hardly have been hurt worse
stumbling in a carpeted hallway.

All right, now get up, you big crybaby.
No pain, no gain.

- Oh, no, but it hurts!
- Boohoo, I want you out of here.

I don't care if you have to crawl
like a bog turtle.

Rebecca.

I didn't see you standing there.

Why don't you just step on
over my father,

help yourself to some wine?

What kind of a heartless bastard
are you?

No, Rebecca, you don't understand.
It's not the way it looks.

He's very resilient.
He's been shot before.

Dr. Crane,
we really should get him inside.

Yes, just give me a moment.

All right, bring him in.