Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 2 - Frasier's Curse - full transcript

Oh, thank you.

That was a very childish prank.

Now you have ruined my coffee.

If you can't behave like adults,

you shouldn't be coming
to a grown-up cafe.

It wasn't us.

Aren't you gonna yell at them?

I'm sure they already heard me
yell at you.

Niles, thank you for agreeing
to meet me on such short notice.

I swear I'm in full-blown crisis.

If you're talking about that garish belt,
I have emergency suspenders.



It's not the belt.

My high school reunion is tonight
and you know my history.

- Oh, not this folderol again.
- It's not folderol.

- It's folderol.
- It's not folderol at all.

For God's sake, Niles.
Every time my reunion comes around,

it coincides with a severe downturn
in my life.

Five years ago, Lilith divorced me.

Five years before that,
I was left at the altar.

Five years before that,
I fell face first into the poison ivy.

And here we are, right on schedule,
I'm freshly fired.

I still don't know why you even went
that poison-ivy year.

Niles, the point is, in ten minutes,

I have an extremely important
job interview,

a job for which
I am eminently qualified,



but that now
I have no chance of getting.

Well, how can you know that?

Because destiny won't allow it.

Destiny's plan is for me
to walk into that reunion this evening

the way I always do,
the class loser.

Pitied and shunned by everyone

until I wind up sitting
with the most pathetic people there.

You mean, the chess club?

Worse.

The chess club's
barbershop quartet.

Oh, the Check Mates.

I swear to God,
I feel like I have a curse on my head.

Frasier, you're a man of science.
You know curses don't exist.

There's a perfectly rational explanation
for all of this.

You tripped
and fell into the poison ivy.

Your radio station changed formats.
Your wife didn't love you.

If this is a pep talk,

would you kindly segue
to the peppy part?

Thank you very much. Thank you.

The only reason you're giving credence
to this curse mumbo-jumbo

is you're nervous
about your job interview.

But you're a talented professional.

Any station would be lucky
to have you, wouldn't they?

- Yes, I suppose.
- So stop doubting yourself.

You deserve that job,
so go out there and get it.

In an hour's time, it'll be yours,

and after a short trip to the store
to return that belt,

you can thoroughly enjoy
your reunion.

Well, you're right, Niles.

I should think positively.

This interview is gonna go just fine,
and so is this evening.

All I have to do now is get a date.
Where am I gonna find a woman

who is so desperate
for an evening out

that she'd agree
to go to someone else's reunion?

Oh, hey, Frasier.

See? Your luck's changing already.

Hello.

Excuse me,
I'm looking for Steven Rugly's office.

- Well, you've come to the right place.
- Oh, splendid.

Is it possible to fetch me a coffee
before my interview?

- Well...
- Better yet,

make it a cup of chamomile tea
with a squirt of lemon

and a full teaspoonful of honey.

We'll try to get that for you just as soon
as my assistant gets back.

I'm Steven Rugly,
president of KJMC.

Oh, Lord, I'm... It's nice to meet you.

- I'm terribly sorry.
- Quite all right, Dr. Crane.

- It's a great suit, by the way.
- Thank you.

- Your...
- I know.

It's a bit risky. People have been
commenting on it all day.

Yes, it makes a bold statement,
but frankly, I like the attention.

I cut through the park
on the way over here.

It caught the eye
of many a young lady.

Oh, my God. My fly.

I thought you were talking
about my belt.

Well, shall we start the interview?

Oh, good.
We haven't started yet. Well...

I'm glad you could make it, Dr. Crane.
I've enjoyed your work.

Oh, that's very gracious of you,
Mr. Ugly.

- That didn't come out right, did it?
- What do you mean?

The way I said your name right now
sounded like I called you Mr. Ugly.

I assure you it won't happen again.

See, it's just a matter
of separating the Rs.

Mr. Rug.

Mr. Rug.

Mr. Rug.

Ly. Mr. Rugly.

Anyway, I think
you might be a good fit here.

We need to find a replacement
for Dr. Wendy.

- Really?
- Yes.

I didn't feel it was right
to keep her on any longer.

Well, let me say I applaud
your judgement on that score.

I mean, frankly,
Dr. Wendy's saccharine style

is maybe very popular, but, you know,
really not up to your standards, is it?

Dr. Wendy's my mother.

- She's quite ill.
- Oh, well...

- Can I interrupt?
- Oh, please.

You have some messages.

- Excuse me for a moment.
- Of course.

- Mr. Jameson has to cancel.
- Oh, very well.

Why don't you call Phyllis Monderer
and see if she can reschedule?

Don't forget to pick up my car
from the shop.

I already did. It's across the street.

Some idiot parked his BMW
in your space.

- Well, have it towed.
- I already made the call.

And can you call Walter Hecht

and see if he can reschedule
for Wednesday?

- Dr. Crane?
- Yes.

We don't have any tea,
but would you like some coffee?

Oh, that would be splendid.
Yes, thank you.

- Everything all right?
- Yes, just fine, thank you.

- What's that?
- Nothing.

- Is this the giraffe from my bookcase?
- Yes, yes, it is. I'm sorry.

I was admiring it.
It broke apart in my hands.

But if your child
is anything like mine,

he'd be delighted
to make you a new one.

Actually, my father made it
after his stroke.

Well, I think you've got enough
to go on.

It was lovely meeting you.

I'm sorry, you know,
I'm gonna have to dash

if I'm gonna beat that tow truck.

Hold the elevator.

- Thanks.
- Hello, Dad.

Hi.

I'm never going to that grocery store
across the street again.

They gave me such a hard time
because I brought Eddie in.

Oh, well.

It's not exactly sanitary, Dad.

When they get rid
of the guy with pinkeye

who's handing out cheese samples,
they can talk to me about sanitary.

Wait a minute. Didn't you bring home
a case of dog food yesterday?

Yeah, it was the economy stuff.

He wouldn't touch it,
so I gotta take all this back.

This is his favourite kind.

Well, I guess what they say is true:

Once you've tasted animal byproducts,
you can't go back to the cheap stuff.

Hey, have you picked
a restaurant for tonight?

I've got a better idea than that.

My old precinct's having
one of their seized-property auctions

down at the fairgrounds.

- Oh, what's the better idea?
- Oh, now, come on, Niles.

These drug dealers
have some pretty nice stuff.

As much as I've been searching
for a wide-brimmed, purple velvet hat,

- it's really not my cup of tea.
- I'll tell you what.

We'll just go for a little while and then
we'll come back here for dinner.

Am I glad you're home.

- What's wrong?
- It's Dr. Crane.

Since he came back
from his job interview,

he's seemed awfully depressed.

In fact, he's as bad
as I've ever seen him.

- Oh, I guess it didn't go well?
- I gather not.

He mumbled something about it
being worse

than the Dresden premiere
of Schumann's 2nd Symphony.

And you left him alone?

Where is he?

He's in the kitchen.

Oh, my God!

- Frasier, are you all right?
- I was fine before you screamed.

- What the hell is wrong with you?
- Daphne said you were depressed.

Here you are
with your head in the oven.

I was cleaning it, Niles. It's electric.

If I was going to end my life,

I'd choose something
quicker than broiling.

Sorry your interview
didn't go well, Fras.

Oh, that's all right, Dad.

You know, things don't work out
the way we'd like them to sometimes,

much like my strict

"no shopping carts
in the apartment" policy.

Don't worry about it.

I'll take it back, but I need it
to return all that cheap dog food.

I'm going to pick up
cleaning supplies, I'll do it for you.

I thought you need to get ready
for the reunion.

Oh, God, no. I'm not going.

- Why?
- Because I'm cursed.

If I wasn't convinced of it
before today's interview, I am now.

You haven't even heard anything.

For all you know,
you might've gotten it.

Believe me, Dad,

I have a better chance
of being crowned Miss Teen U.S.A.

Oh, dear God.

- Just how casual is this thing tonight?
- Roz, I am so sorry.

I completely forgot to call
and tell you that, well, we're not going.

Wait a second.

I found a babysitter at the last minute.
I got a new dress.

I got Miguel to do my hair,
and I just spent the last hour

listening to the Est?e Lauder lady
describe her bladder operation

just so I could get a free makeover.

- And now you say we're not going?
- Roz, I can't go.

You see,
I have a curse on my head.

What curse?

He thinks the Fates are conspiring
to humiliate him at every reunion.

Come on,
you don't really believe that, do you?

All right, let's examine the evidence.
Daphne, will you assist me, please?

This is my school newsletter.

"The Bryce Academy Crier."

Which, coincidentally, was Frasier's
nickname his first year there.

Just read it. Scott Alexander.
What's he been up to?

"Wife, kids, has his own
computer-software business."

Nancy Kearns.

"Mother of three,
successful physician,

has invented a drug that may aid
in the treatment of cancer."

Cure for cancer.

Won't they be green with envy
when I trump them

with this little story about my life?

Frasier Crane,

unattached, unemployed
and living with his father.

He spends his days
scrubbing his oven

and is anxiously awaiting
his upcoming tooth-cleaning.

Now, now, Frasier,
everyone has ups and downs.

You know, for all we know, that
cure for cancer didn't pan out either.

One can only hope, Dad.

I'll bet if you went in there with a sunny
attitude, you'd have a good time.

You know, I tried sunny last time.
You know where it got me?

Table 97, singing
"Goodbye, My Coney Island Baby"

with the Check Mates.

- Maybe this time will be different.
- That's the mistake I always make.

Thinking this year, it'll be different.
That I can beat the curse.

That's what the curse does. It makes
you think you can beat it, but you can't.

I'm sorry, Roz. I apologize.
I will make this up to you someday.

Right now, I am going
to go down to the store

and run a little errand
for my friend, Eddie.

Tonight, I'll be coming back home

and spending the evening
with Daphne,

doing some light housework

and listening to my brand-new
book on tape:

Depression, Anxiety and Death.

As read by the author himself,
Stanislav Monk.

Now who's cursed?

Excuse me, sir, there's a place
to recycle those cans right over there.

Oh, I know.

On behalf of Mother Earth,
I thank you.

That's the sort of person
that drinks chocolate soda.

Come on, gotcha.

Frasier Crane?

Yes.

Percy Williams.
Well, good to see you.

Suppose you're on your way
to the reunion.

Yes. Yes, I am.

Couldn't make it this year myself.

Little too much on my plate.
Things have gotten crazy.

I can see that.

Well, I heard
you weren't on the radio.

Oh, you did?

You know,
my wife heads up a charity

that helps get homeless people
back on their feet.

Yes, I know.
The Boot Strap Foundation.

It's very popular in my circle.

You should call them.
They could help you.

Me?

You know, this is very funny.
The shopping cart, the dog food.

I'm afraid you're suffering
from the wrong impression.

Dog food?

Oh, it's not mine. It's my father's.

Call them, Frasier.

No, no. Really, you're mistaken.
I'm not homeless.

I live in that luxury building right there,
Number 1901.

- Frasier, please, take this.
- I don't need it.

I drive a BMW. I collect African art.

You always were a proud one.

- I'm not proud.
- Then take it.

And for God's sakes,
spend it on food.

I just threw out a $200 belt.

Hey, how was the police auction?

You didn't miss anything,
especially once it started raining.

I made out like a bandit.
Oh, look at this.

Those drug lords
have the most incredible taste.

Christofle silver, Limoges,
Orrefors crystal.

If I ever get married again,
I'm going to register there.

- Hello, all.
- Hey.

- I thought you were staying home.
- Yes, well, not anymore.

I ran into Percy Williams
down at the grocery store.

He mistook me for a street person.

If I don't go down there
and defend myself,

he'll be passing around that rumour
along with the Swedish meatballs.

I'm glad you're going, Dr. Crane.

You'll have a nice time
and you look great.

Thank you.

You have no idea
how big you owe me.

Yes, I do, Roz.

I will never ask you
for another favour again except,

could you do something
with your hair?

It seems to be leaning.

Frasier, when you called,

I was in the tub
with a pint of H?agen-Dazs.

Considering that was 15 minutes ago,
I think I look pretty good.

And I appreciate it, Roz. I really do.

Daphne, could you please
help Roz getting finished?

- I'm finished.
- No, no, no. Finish more. Come on.

- And remember what I told you.
- Oh, yeah, right.

I'm a model-slash-doctor-slash-
daughter of the duke of Luxembourg.

Yeah, come along, Your Grace.

Frasier?

Are you so desperate that
you're trying to impress these people

by having Roz pretend
to be some sort of trophy girlfriend?

Trophy duchess.

Niles, it's the only way
to beat the curse.

You could beat the curse
by not going.

I tried that, Niles.
You see where it got me.

The curse found a way to humiliate me
in absentia.

I've got to get down there.

Why? In order to win the approval
of a group of virtual strangers?

- I know it sounds foolish, Niles...
- No, no, it's not foolish.

It's human.

I think it's all about
the feelings of inferiority

you've been carrying with you
since high school.

That's the real curse.

Only you're not
the Bryce Crier anymore.

You're a successful man.

You have an opportunity
for real growth here.

Not by trying to impress these people,
but by realizing that

they don't matter anymore.

Okay, I'm ready.

Oh, Roz.

You look beautiful.

- Well, thank you.
- But we're not going.

- What?
- Well, I'm sorry, Roz.

It's got something to do
with my personal growth.

I don't care
about these people anymore,

and, you know,
I want them to know it.

Frasier, I hired a babysitter twice.

I did my makeup twice.

I performed a miracle of engineering
by taping myself into this dress twice,

only to be stood up twice?

Technically,
you did your hair once.

Shut up!

You know, someday,

you're gonna need
another favour from me, buddy.

And when that day comes, I hope
you know what you can do with it.

- I have a pretty good idea.
- Well, do it twice!

- Well, that was something.
- Please, you call that a tantrum?

Maris used to do that once a week.

Poor thing needed help
slamming the door.

Frasier, I was just talking to Duke on
the phone and your agent clicked in.

She was calling from a pay phone
and she couldn't really talk,

but she said that KPOV wants you
to host your own show for them.

My own television show?

- At KPOV?
- Congratulations, Frasier.

- That's wonderful.
- Thank you. Thank you all.

I just realized, this is an even bigger
opportunity for personal growth.

Having a prestigious new job
like this,

and not even going to that reunion
to boast about it.

It is a great opportunity, isn't it?

- Have a good time.
- I will.

Well, I must say, Frasier did have
a run of bad luck this week.

I'm certainly glad
it's finally turned out better for him.

No, he didn't really get a call.
I just made it all up.

His agent didn't call?

No, I just wanted to give the guy
something to brag about.

Dad, I know you were trying to help
but don't you think that's a little risky?

What if somebody
knows it's not true?

Oh, no, you worry too much.
Who's gonna know?

Most of these people
are from out of town.

They probably never even heard
of KPOV.

I knew it. When you said KPOV,
I thought it sounded familiar.

And it's right here
in Dr. Crane's newsletter.

His classmate Karl Degersdorff
was just named station manager.

Won't that be nice for them?
They'll be working together now.

Oh, my God.

Come on, it's gonna be all right.
Don't worry about it.

This Degersdorff probably
won't even show.

You know, he just got a new job.
He's probably real busy.

I guess you're right.
We mustn't assume the worst.

I'm acting like Frasier,
as if there was really a curse.

Look here. He's also serving
as this year's reunion coordinator.

Good evening. Hello.

Good to see you again.

Hi, how you been?

- Hi, fellas.
- Hi.

Hit it.

- Hello
- Hello

Hello

Hello

Goodbye my Coney Island baby

Farewell my own true love

True love, oh, honey

I'm goin' to go away and leave you

Never to see you any

Never gonna see you any

I'm gonna sail upon that ferry boat