Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 17 - The Dinner Party - full transcript

You know, Niles,
I think I'm going to have a dinner party.

You care to co-host?

What a lovely idea.
What's the occasion?

Actually, I got the idea last night

when we bumped into Gene
and Hollis Ashby at the symphony.

I want to get to know them better.

Me too.
They're such a charming couple.

They remind me of Maris and me
when we were happy.

Really? I must have been sick
that day.

- Oh, well, Roz.
- Thank you.

- Is that your dry cleaning?
- No, it's Daphne's.



Alice spit up on her dress
so I had to have it dry-cleaned for her.

I also had to buy her
a new pair of shoes and detail her car.

I've never seen a kid so sick.

Hey, Roz. You look gorgeous.

Thanks. How much time do we have?

- Twenty minutes. I better get changed.
- Where are you going?

Daphne has friends
at the British Consulate.

They're having a big reception
and she got us invitations.

Who knows? Maybe you'll meet some
English lord who'll make you a lady.

I think at this point it would take
the actual Lord to make her a lady.

Well, let's pick a date for our party.
You've got your book?

Let's see.

- The first is no good.
- No, wine club.

- Nor the second.
- Library fund-raiser.



- The third, no.
- Fourth, fifth or sixth?

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

- Oh, what about the 11th?
- No, concert tickets.

- Oh, really? I don't have that marked.
- Yes, I'm taking a date.

Well, isn't that nice? The 11th,

"Expect desperate, last-minute call

from F."

- Anything the next week?
- No. No.

- I've got the 19th.
- I've got the 19th.

- The 19th it is then.
- Huzzah!

- Hey, boys. What's up?
- Hey, Dad.

Well, actually, after an unusually
protracted game of duelling date books,

Niles and I have set upon
a mutually acceptable evening

for an intime soiree.

We're having a dinner party.

Oh, sounds good.
Any night but the 19th.

Well, what's wrong with the 19th?

My poker game's here that night.

- Can't you reschedule it?
- No.

It's always the third Saturday
of the month, and everybody shows.

You know, Jimmy once postponed
his daughter's wedding

just so that he could be here.

And if you ever saw his daughter,
you'd know how risky that was.

Gee, Dad, you know,
we wouldn't ask

if there were any other date
that worked.

Do you really expect me
to just give up my game

just so that you can have
one of your intime soirees?

I knew he knew what that meant.

Dad, please, couldn't you at least
make a few calls?

Look, I'll tell you what.

If you can change the day,
I'll cover your losses that night.

Well, all right, I'll try. But, you know,
these guys lead pretty busy lives.

I can't always get in touch
with them.

Yes, let's hope that dog track
has a PA system.

All right, Niles, back to our party.

Now, have you got any thoughts
on a caterer?

Well, Cornell Evans.
I mean, he's pricey, but he's the best.

- Oh, let's book him.
- Oh, marvellous!

Oh, I'm sorry, Dad,
I didn't know you were on the line.

- Oh, my.
- My goodness.

Well, we're off to the ball.
Don't wait up for us.

Oh, Daphne, wait, wait, wait.

There's something on the back
of your dress.

Oh, my God!
It looks like bleach or something.

The dry cleaner must have done it.

- I saw it. It's nothing.
- You saw it?

- Don't worry. It's hardly noticeable.
- Dr. Crane noticed it.

- Because he's always looking at your...
- Roz.

- Well, I can't go now.
- Why not?

This is the only formal dress I've got.

Wait. I've got the rest
of my dry cleaning in the car.

I bet I have something you can wear.
I'll be right back.

You know, Daphne, I bet
I would be able to get that out for you.

No, the cleaner spoiled it.
He can damn well fix it.

- Well, it would probably just take...
- Niles.

Yes, may I speak to Cornell, please?
Yes, of course, I'll hold.

I mean it. If I just had a toothbrush
and a jeweller's loupe...

Niles!

How long is he gonna keep me
on hold?

Oh, hey, Roz,
did you find any kind of thing that...?

Can't talk right now.

Hello, Cornell?
Yes, Frasier Crane here.

Listen, I'm hoping
that you're not booked on the 19th.

Oh, Lord.

Yes, of course, I understand.

Yeah, same to you.
All right. Bye-bye.

Damn. Wouldn't you know it?

The only date he's got free is the 11th.
Damn those concert tickets.

Oh, you know who might be available?
Tyler Wilkins.

- Doesn't he work with Cornell?
- Oh, dear God, no. Mortal enemies.

They were catering a seafood banquet
when Cornell flew into a rage

because Tyler had ordered mahi-mahi
instead of ahi.

Of course,
Tyler blamed it on Cornell's stutter,

and they haven't spoken since.

Tyler? Niles Crane.

Yes, I was wondering
if you were available on the 19th.

Wonderful. Dinner for ten.

That's great. I'll call you later on,
we'll discuss the menu.

Thanks. Bye-bye.

That is wonderful. All right.

We've got you, me,
and the fabulous Ashbys.

That leaves six chairs to fill.

We have to have the Berkins.
That's a no-brainer.

Technically, that's two no-brainers.
Forget the Berkins.

- Who else?
- Well, wait a minute.

You can't just steamroll over me.
I want the Berkins.

- Well, I don't.
- Well, I do.

All right, all right.

We'll each have the right to blackball,
let's say, three guests.

That way we'll each get an equal voice.

- That's fair enough.
- All right. There's three for you.

And three for me.

And just to get the blackball rolling.
Bye-bye, Berkins.

All right. What about John
and Carol Peterson?

- Everyone loves them.
- Not everyone. Blackball!

- Why?
- No, no, no.

We never question the blackball.
We just bow to its will.

Fine. Nina and Arch Duncan.

The drunken Duncans?
Have you lost your...?

Wait a minute.

You loathe the Duncans.
You want me to waste a blackball.

- That's insane. I adore the Duncans.
- Really?

Well, then perhaps
I've misjudged them.

Very well, Niles. The Duncans it is.

- Nina and Arch...
- Oh, stop it. They're hideous.

Blackball.

- What about the Wolperts?
- Oh, I like the Wolperts.

Finally. Oh, the Gordons?

I love the Gordons.
Now we're rolling.

- How about the DeFalcos?
- Blackball. She is a twit.

- How about the Whitneys?
- Oh, blackball. He's a dolt.

- Cromwells?
- Blackball.

Look, if you're going to...

Wait a minute.
You're out of blackball...

This is a dried-up old fig.

So is Missy Cromwell.
I don't want her at my party.

I'm sorry. Rules are rules.
The Cromwells are in.

The guest list is complete.
Now, let's start calling everyone.

Yes, beginning with
our guests of honour, the Ashbys.

- Oh, yes.
- All right, here.

Hello, Hollis. Frasier Crane calling.

Listen, Niles and I are planning
on having a dinner party on the 19th...

They're leaving for Africa
on the 19th.

Oh, gee, that's a shame.

We were sort of building the evening
around you.

They've got the 11th free.

- No good. We've got that concert.
- I didn't ask you to that.

The 11th should be just fine.

Oh, no, no, they've got a conflict.

Oh, well, that's no problem.
They were our very next call.

We absolutely adore the Duncans.
All right, see you then.

Not the drunken Duncans.

Sorry, they have plans with the Ashbys
on the 11th so they're invited too.

Fine. I want my blackball back.

- The blackball, once dropped, can't...
- Oh, shut up.

Anyway, the Ashbys are worth it.

You know what?
And there's an additional plus.

Since we're changing our plans
for the 11th, Cornell can cater.

Quick. You call Cornell.

I'll call Tyler
and tell him we're cancelling.

Tyler? It's Niles Crane again.
Yes, listen,

it turns out we're not gonna need you
on the 19th after all.

- Yes, Cornell, please.
- No, we're not going to someone else.

Cornell? What gave you that idea?

Cornell, please. Frasier Crane again.
Thank you.

Listen,
we've changed our party plans,

and it turns out
that we'd rather have it on the 11th.

We're cancelling the party entirely.
No, no, there's no reason to be upset...

Which is which?

This one's mine. This one's mine.
I can smell my cologne.

- Hello, Cornell.
- Tyler, of course, you're who we want.

Yes, as I was saying,
we were just about to change the...

- Hello, Tyler...
- Cornell.

- You're gonna laugh when you hear...
- It's the funniest thing...

- Hello?
- Hello?

Well, thanks
to your keen sense of smell,

we've lost both caterers.

I suppose
we can always get Kiki Price.

- Is she still in business?
- Yeah, they dropped the charges.

I'll call her after I get in touch
with the Duncans.

My God, I hope I can catch them
before happy hour.

Hello, Nina? Too late.

It's Frasier Crane calling.

Niles and I are having the Ashbys over
and a few other people for a dinner,

and we were hoping
that you could join us on the 11th.

Don't cry, Nina, please.

Yeah, well,
I've always loved you too.

What? Joaquim?

Joaquim is coming in
from Argentina.

- You'd like him to join us. Well...
- Joaquim?

Joaquim Juarez. He's the conductor
of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic.

Right, they were down there.
They must have met him.

We would love
to have Joaquim join us.

Oh, that's splendid.

All right, then we'll just see you
on the 11th. The 11th.

Take two swizzle sticks,
stand them up side-by-side.

Eleven. That's right. Bye-bye.

- We've got Joaquim!
- Well, don't cry for me, Arch and Nina.

All right, let's see.
We've got the Duncans and Joaquim.

And that means we're going to have
to cut out two couples.

All right, well, the Cromwells and...

- The Gordons.
- The Gordons.

All right, that leaves us short by one.

We're going to need a single female.

Oh, Roz, perfect timing.

- What's up?
- We're having a dinner party.

We need an interesting
single woman.

Do you know anybody?
We're desperate.

Excuse me?

Naturally, we thought of you first, Roz,
but this isn't really your kind of crowd.

What, sophisticated? Cultured?

Is that why you think I won't fit in
with your snooty A-list friends?

- I'm not genteel enough?
- Oh, now, Roz...

Now, Roz, my ass.

I'm just as refined as you are.
Shut up, Niles.

Roz, please.

Well, I hope you're satisfied.
I got everyone to change.

We're gonna have it on the 11th.

- The 11th?
- Yeah, and it wasn't easy either.

Mel had to reschedule
his polyp surgery.

Well, Dad,
you are really gonna laugh at this.

Frasier and I rescheduled
our dinner party for the 11th.

I'm not changing it back. I'm not.

And, Dad, I would never even consider
asking you to do such a thing.

Tell you what, there's no reason
why we can't hold both parties

simultaneously.

The apartment
is certainly big enough.

I know what you're trying to do,
and it won't work.

What, Dad? I'm serious.
No, no, we can share the buffet table.

We can even have the harpist learn
Bobby Darin tunes for your crowd.

I can stand it if you can.

Of course, we will have
to dim the lights at one point.

You see,
Nina Duncan always insists

on sharing her extensive collection
of slides

from the summer
she danced "Agamemnon"

at Jacob's Pillow.

All right! I'll change it.

Call Kiki and the Wolperts.

- I'll talk to Roz.
- I'm on it.

Come on, just pick something.

Pick what?
This one isn't dressy enough.

This one doesn't fit, and this one...

Well, it's hardly appropriate
for a posh cocktail reception.

Excuse me. Roz, listen,
I just came to apologise.

- Whatever.
- What happened?

He said I wasn't classy enough
to come to his dinner party.

- Roz, you know I didn't mean that.
- Oh, get in line.

I've lived here for six years.
Only time I'm asked to that table

is when I'm holding
a freaking serving spoon.

It's just a silly dinner party.
What's everybody getting upset about?

Oh, let's just go. I suppose this colour
might look nice on me after all.

Excuse me. I left messages for Kiki
and the Wolperts.

Could you two please leave
so Daphne can change?

Daphne, you're not going out
in that, are you?

That's it. I'm staying home.

No, just try it. We can accessorise it.

With what?
A lamppost and a public defender?

Good Lord,
was that the answering machine?

Hi, it's Allison Wolpert and yes,
count us in for the 11th.

Looking forward to it. Bye.

That's wonderful.
I so enjoy the Wolperts.

- Yes.
- Who was that?

We just got invited to a dinner party
at Dr. Crane's.

- Which Dr. Crane?
- Does it matter?

You get the one,
you get that other one.

Personally, I think
the whole arrangement is a little...

- Is that thing off the hook?
- What? Oh, my God.

What do you suppose
she meant by that?

Obviously, she thinks
we're always together,

that we're some sort of couple.

That's ridiculous.
We spend lots of time apart.

Besides, who is she to talk?
Look at her and Harry.

- They go everywhere together.
- They're married, Niles.

Still, it's no reason for her
to call us odd.

Well, wait.
She never called us odd. Listen.

Does it matter? You get the one,
you get that other one.

Personally, I think
the whole arrangement is a little...

- Is that thing off the hook?
- See?

She never said odd.
We're getting upset over nothing.

Nothing?

Is there a good end
to that sentence?

"Personally, I think the whole
arrangement is a little" what?

Charming?

Now, you really... Stop overreacting.

Well, perhaps she has a point.
Ever since your divorce,

you've become more
and more attached to me.

Maybe that's why she said
what she said.

- What?
- You get Frasier, you get that Niles.

She didn't say that.

She said, "You get the one,
you get that other one."

What makes you think you're the one
and I'm the other one?

Because I am the one giving the party,
and you are that other one!

I'm the one that invited her,
so that makes you that other one.

- That's ridiculous!
- It's not!

- Absolutely no foundation of truth...!
- No, I knew...!

All right, wait, wait. This is absurd.
Why don't we just call Allison up,

ask her what she thinks
is so strange about us?

We can both get on an extension.

Better yet, we both get on a bicycle
built for two,

ride over there ourselves, and ask her
what's so strange about us?

Hello?

Yes, hello, Nina.

Right. What can I do for you?

No, no, dear, you called me.

Oh, yes,
Joaquim can only eat certain foods.

Yes, of course,
we'll be glad to accommodate him.

How exotic.

Let's see. All right.

Rice. Beans.

Jerked beef.

Any particular reason?

I see.

Interesting. Okay. Bye.

Why is Joaquim
on such a strict diet?

Because the Joaquim
they're bringing to dinner...

...is their foster child...

...from a tiny village on the Pampas.

He speaks no English,

and he gets nauseated
when he eats American food.

So he's not the conductor
of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic?

Oh, you are so that other one!

All right, fine.

Where are we gonna find someone
to babysit a 9-year-old child?

Quit your blubbering
and just pick something, damn it!

Roz?

- Now what?
- You were right.

You know, you would be
a welcome addition to any party.

Oh, you don't have to say that.

No, no, no, honestly, Niles and I
want you to join us for dinner.

- You mean it?
- Yes.

We're having someone who might
make a dinner companion for you.

He's not some stuffy old coot, is he?

- No, no. Young.
- No. Yes, very young.

Okay, thanks.

- All right, we've got our ten.
- All right, let's see.

Not exactly my wish list,
but at least we've got the Ashbys.

Yes, and Allison Wolpert
can say what she wants.

Why should we care
what anybody else thinks?

- Am I right?
- Absolutely.

Dad, do you think we're odd?

No, you're not odd.
You're just special.

Your mother told me that
when you were kids,

and I still believe it.

Yes, but do you think
we spend too much time together?

What kind of questions are these?

You're close.
Lots of brothers are close.

Yes, I suppose
you're right about that.

Yes, I mean, the Gershwins,
the Wright Brothers.

I told you we're getting upset
over nothing.

Then there were
the Collyer brothers.

- The Collyer brothers?
- Oh, yeah, a couple of nutsos,

shared an apartment in New York
their whole lives.

They even built a maze
out of newspapers in there

that only they knew
how to get through.

Then it collapsed on one of them,

and the other one just sat there
with the dead body

until the neighbours complained
about the smell.

Pretty crazy story, huh?

You recycle, right, Niles?

You know,

maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea
if we went our own ways a bit more.

Well, it's possible we have grown
a tad dependent on one another.

Perhaps this is just the warning
we need.

Today, we're planning a dinner party.

Tomorrow,
we're wearing matching pyjamas

and washing each other's hair.

Let's face it, Niles,
we are one stone's throw away

from becoming
the neighbourhood kooks,

right down to the local children
ringing our doorbell and running away.

Now, Frasier, you are letting
your imagination get the better of you.

Come on,
let's go make a seating chart.

You always know
how to cheer me up.

- Oh, hello, Daphne.
- Daphne...

Isn't that Roz's dress?

Yes, it was really the only thing
that looked good on me.

Come on, Roz,
we don't want to be late.

Doesn't she look beautiful?

Oh, shove it, Daphne.
I know you think I look like a hooker.

No! No, Roz, I said
it made me look like a hooker.

On you, it... Well, it works.

Hello?

Yes, yes.

Oh, Lord, well, I'm so sorry
you can't make it.

No, no, that's all right.
Yes, some other time. Goodbye.

Oh, please, not the Ashbys.

Family emergency.

Apparently, so urgent
they didn't even have time

to think up a plausible excuse.

- So where does that leave us?
- Well, let's see.

We have a third-rate caterer
with a record,

two lushes,

a couple
who think we're both nutcases,

an Argentine wild child and Roz.

Dinner is served.

I still have one blackball left.

I don't think
it'll make any difference.

It will to me. I'm using it on myself.

- No.
- Blackball!

No, no, you cannot self-blackball.

You're gonna go to that party
or you'll go over my dead body.

You just give me that now!

God, we are the Collyer brothers.

You know,
why don't we just face the inevitable?

Let's just cancel
the whole damn thing.

Of course, cancelling a party
20 minutes later,

people will think it's strange.

Frankly, I'm sick and tired
of giving a damn

about what other people think.

Most of them are one marble away
from not being here in the first place.

You're right.

So we spend a lot of time together.
So what?

I enjoy it.

So do I, Niles.

You know, we can make
those calls tomorrow and cancel.

I'm famished.

Why don't we just head over
to Campagne for dinner? My treat.

You're on.

Unless you think it's too odd
to have dinner together.

I don't think
we're in any danger of that.

If our relationship became truly odd,

I think we're both intelligent enough
to recognise the signs.

- I think I'll pass on dinner.
- Okay, good night.

- I'll see you soon.
- Good night.