Frasier (1993–2004): Season 6, Episode 16 - Decoys - full transcript

- Hello.
- Hey, how was your afternoon?

Do you know
what this wonderful man did?

Oh, Daphne, please don't...

He filled a basket
full of me favourite English foods:

Blood pudding,
jellied eels, kidney pie.

Then he hid it in the shrubs

so we'd stumble upon it
during our stroll through the park.

I was afraid that somebody
would find it before we got there,

but fortunately, untouched.

Yes. Just because it was untouched
doesn't mean someone didn't find it.

- Hello, Dr. Crane.
- Hello, Daphne.



Donny.

Hey, tiger.
Look what I got for you. Think fast.

- What are the keys to?
- Your ex-wife's lakefront cottage.

Now your lakefront cottage.

A little something I hammered out
for you in the settlement.

Thank you. Donny, I never thought
I'd see Shady Glen again.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

Well, congratulations, Niles.

Yeah, looks like Donny really did a job
on Maris' legal team.

Yes, well, he certainly is ruthless,
all right.

As a divorce lawyer,

what a callous attitude he must have
toward human relationships.

Yeah, you'd think so, Dr. Crane,
but actually, it's just the opposite.

I've never met anyone
so incredibly romantic.



Yes, well, I'm sure
he seems that way on the outside.

Oh, Niles, please.

It's unseemly enough
when she's actually in the room.

I'm sorry.
What am I supposed to do?

For the first time
since I've known her,

I'm free and single
and now she's with someone.

- I'm supposed to suffer in silence?
- I'd take that.

I just don't understand.
What does she see in him?

If you were Daphne,
would you go out with Donny?

Well, no, but I wouldn't massage
Dad's ass for what I pay her either.

Look, I'm sorry, Niles.

Donny and Daphne
seem very happy together.

Either it's true love, in which case
it's too late for you to declare yourself,

or it's just a temporary infatuation.

- It's got to be. It's got to be.
- In which case, it will pass.

And then you can make your move.

In the meantime, I suggest that maybe
you start looking elsewhere.

You know, maybe make a fresh start.

Do something
to get your mind off of Daphne.

I know, I know, it's just difficult.

Yes, I understand.
Say, you know what? I've got an idea.

Why don't the three of us go to
that cabin of yours for the weekend?

Sorry, I can't. I got a dentist
appointment Saturday morning.

Niles can go up on Friday night,
put things together,

and then you and I can drive up
on Saturday afternoon.

Why not? It's a fabulous place, Dad.

It's got a stereo and a big-screen TV
and a sauna, wine cellar.

Perfect for three guys
roughing it in the wilderness.

Well, I'm game.

I can stop at the butcher,
pick up a couple of ducks

and make my justly celebrated
duck ? I'orange.

Washed down with
a winsome-yet-robust Chambertin.

- Chambertin.
- Yeah.

I'll bring a quart of whisky
in case of snakebite.

Dad, Dad,
there are no snakes up there.

All right, I'll bring a snake.

God, this is great, Niles.
I've gotta dash down to the mailbox,

drop that letter in
before the last pick-up.

Niles, trust me.

You'll be glad
you took my advice on this one.

I already am. Thank you.

It's going to do me a world of good
to get away from Daphne for a while.

Yes, I couldn't agree more.

Hey, Daphne, how would you like
to see my new lakefront cottage?

- Sounds lovely. When?
- This weekend.

We're all going.
You can drive with me on Friday

and Dad and Frasier
will be right behind.

Oh, that's very sweet, Dr. Crane.
But I can't.

One of me cousins is going
to San Francisco this weekend

and I promised I'd fly down.

- That's a shame.
- Yeah.

Donny's not too thrilled
about it either.

- He wanted to come with me.
- And he's not?

No, that would have meant
staying in a hotel together,

and I'm not sure
we're ready for that yet.

I suppose you think
I'm being a bit old-fashioned.

Dear God in heaven, no.

You can't force these things.

You have to wait for the moment
when you know it's right.

And sometimes the moment never
comes and you just have to move on.

I really appreciate the invitation
and I hope you'll invite me again.

All right, Daphne, how would you like
to see my new lakefront cottage?

You're silly.

- Martin, Niles.
- Hey.

- Boy, this place is jammed.
- Here, Roz, you can have my seat.

- I'm on my way to Duke's.
- Thank you.

Yeah.
So how's the world treating you?

Like dirt.

My social life is non-existent.

Every time I meet a guy
who's halfway decent,

all I have to do
is mention I got a kid

and he runs
like a cheap pair of pantyhose.

Well, maybe you and Niles
can cheer each other up.

- Dad.
- Why, what's his problem?

Daphne's got a new boyfriend
and it's eating him up.

- Dad.
- What? You got a thing for Daphne?

You didn't know that
after all these years?

No, I can't believe
Daphne never told me.

How could she?
She doesn't know either.

- You're kidding.
- Yes. Yes, he's a great kidder.

Now, you, Dad, run along and you
be very careful crossing streets.

Six years, can you believe it?

Some people just don't even know
when it's time to pull the plug.

Well, I won't make
that mistake twice.

So let me get this straight.

You've been hot for Daphne
all this time

and you've never made a move?

- I was a happily married man.
- You were never happy.

And you've been separated
for almost two years.

Well, somehow,
the right moment never came along.

Oh, come on.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad,
it's just, waiting all this time,

and now she's got a boyfriend.

My God, that is really pathetic.

Obviously, you've never let someone

you've grown to care deeply about
get away.

Well, sure I have.

I'm not talking about

when the migrant workers
leave at the end of the picking season.

No, really.
I've had a couple of boyfriends

I shouldn't have let get away.

- Serious relationships?
- Yeah.

I can name one
right off the top of my head.

That lawyer I gave you, Donny.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean,
you only know him professionally,

but he's very funny,
warm, thoughtful.

We were together
for about six months,

but he really wanted a family
and I wasn't ready

so I dumped him.

Now I have the family,
but no Donny.

Gee, I wonder
who he's seeing these days.

- What's so funny?
- I'll tell you in a minute.

I just want to savour it.
You've been having all the fun.

So tell me.

Donny is Daphne's boyfriend.

That's not funny.
When did this happen?

Well, she met him
when he was working on my case.

Wow, and I was calling you a loser.

- You never called me a loser.
- In my head I did.

Well, at the moment,
I have to agree with you.

I've had plenty of opportunities
and I always chickened out.

Don't blame yourself.

She's living with your brother,
working for your dad.

- It's an awkward situation.
- It is.

Well, don't feel bad about Donny.

It wasn't right for you at the time,
that's nobody's fault.

Thanks, Niles.

Listen, the next time
you find somebody you like,

don't wait so long to tell her.

I've got a babysitter waiting.

Mrs. Hines is 70 years old,

has a mole like Abe Lincoln,

but I bet
she has plans for the weekend.

You know what?
I just had the craziest idea.

My settlement with Maris
includes a beautiful lakefront cottage,

and I'm going up there this afternoon.

Why don't you come along?
You can bring Alice.

Are you serious?

Well, Frasier and Dad
are coming up tomorrow.

But tonight, it'd just be us.

Love's losers, licking our wounds,
laughing at our pain.

Gee, I don't know, l...

Frasier's making duck ? I'orange
and I'm bringing the wine.

What about it?

I never thought I'd say this,
but you're on.

In a funny way, this reminds me

of that wonderful moment
in Streetcar Named Desire

when the brutish Stanley
says to the ultra-refined Blanche:

"We've had this date with each other
from the beginning."

I don't know the play well,

but I can tell you right now,
I'm not that refined.

Actually, I was picturing you
more as Stanley.

- Hi there.
- Donny, so glad you could make it.

Well, thanks for inviting me.

This is a great place
to get some work done.

And no distractions in sight.

- Thank...
- Donny, I'd like to introduce...

Oh, that's right.
You two know each other, don't you?

- Roz, how the hell are you? Hi.
- Donny.

I didn't know you were gonna be here.
This is gonna be fun.

I gotta put these somewhere.
Where do I go?

- Just in one of the bedrooms upstairs.
- Okay.

But be careful not to wake Roz's baby.
She's in that first room.

Roz, you've got a baby?

Congratulations.
That means that you're...

Married? Nope. She's free as a bird.

Well, I'll try to be quiet.

- What the hell is this?
- What do you mean?

I thought you might enjoy reminiscing
about all the good times you shared.

Oh, no, you don't.
Donny is seeing Daphne,

and I am not the kind
who steals other people's boyfriends.

Not friends' boyfriends,
not good friends. Not again.

Roz, you might recall
you went out with him for six months.

She's only seen him
three or four times.

- They're not even sleeping together.
- What? How would you know?

She told me.

I don't wanna be the bad guy here,
but you did have him first.

And he did wanna make
a life with you.

Listen, there is no way
that I am going...

She hasn't slept with him?

She's English.

Why don't you just admit it?

You're just doing this
because you want Daphne.

Yes. Yes. Yes, I want Daphne.
I think we belong together,

just like I think you and Donny
belong together.

And why should two people be happy
when four people can be ecstatic?

Well, you got a point there.
No. No, no, no, it's just not right.

Roz, I swear I did not wake her.

She was already up
when I went in to look at her.

She's got such a sweet little face.

- Her name is Alice.
- Hi, Alice, I'm Donny.

She doesn't usually
let strangers hold her.

I've always been pretty good with kids.
Come on, sweetie, come on.

How's my hair?

- Niles.
- Hey.

Frasier, Dad.
What are you doing here today?

Oh, my dentist is sick.
We had to reschedule.

- Oh, no.
- It's just a head cold.

Oh, God, you haven't
even heard the worst yet.

Butcher shop was closed,
so here I am with my spices

and everything I need
to make my duck ? I'orange,

all I've got is the I'orange.

We're gonna have to get ducks
the old-fashioned way,

but there's only
a couple of hours of daylight left.

Yes. You know, I saw some boxes
of ammo in the mudroom.

- Through the kitchen.
- No, Dad. Are you insane?

I'm not gonna shoot any ducks.
It's barbaric.

You'll eat them but you won't kill them.

What do you think,
these things are born ? I'orange?

Dad does have a point.

There is a duck blind
across the lake.

It would be a good opportunity
for you two to bond.

- Niles, what about you?
- I will stay here and season the pans.

- I'm not going hunting.
- Then drive back to Seattle,

find another shop that's open,
and come back tomorrow.

What's going on?
You trying to get rid of us?

- That's preposterous. Why should l...?
- Frasier, Martin.

You weren't supposed to be here
until tomorrow.

- Roz, what are you doing here?
- Niles brought me.

I'm just gonna go
heat up a bottle for Alice.

- Roz?
- Roz.

Roz.

Yes, so why don't you two run along
and leave me alone with Roz?

Roz?

Well, didn't you urge me
to make a fresh start?

True, but I gotta tell you,

Roz isn't the freshest start
you could make.

Now, butt out, Frasier. If these two
wanna be alone together, that's fine.

- Now, we're gonna go hunting.
- I'm not going hunting, Dad.

Roz and Niles? Please,
you guys have nothing in common.

Frasier, we're not getting married.

We're going to spend
an afternoon together.

There's nothing wrong
with trying something different.

Which is what you're gonna do now.
So come on, let's go get some ducks.

- Dad...
- Please, take as long as you need.

- I don't wanna go hunting.
- Oh, come on.

Didn't you ever hear the expression
"two's company, three's a crowd"?

No, Dad, I don't think I ever did.
How does it go?

I left some papers in the car.

- Where'd you park?
- Out back.

Then it's best to go
through the kitchen

because we have
a loose plank on the porch.

I already came in that way.

Well, you cheated death once.
Don't push your luck.

Niles, one last warning.

Take it from someone
who knows you both.

You and Roz are not a good couple.

I understand your saying that,
but believe me,

I have seen a new Roz
and underneath that brazen exterior,

she is a sweet, sensitive, shy,
vulnerable woman.

Niles? Have you seen my nipples?

No.

- Niles and Roz? It's just ridiculous.
- Oh, not this again.

Well, they are just
completely incompatible.

Well, haven't you ever heard
about opposites attracting?

I mean, look at your mother and me.

We went together six months,
nobody thought it'd last.

We had 40 happy years together.

- Never thought of it that way.
- Yeah.

And then,
there are those relationships

where people have
a ton of things in common,

and of course,
they always work out real well.

I suppose that was a backhanded
comment about me and Lilith.

Wouldn't it be great if she was flying
by here on her broomstick right now?

- Come on, sight up.
- No.

No, I told you,
I'm not shooting anything.

- All right, blow the duck call.
- Well, all right.

Gee, you know,
I keep thinking about you and Mom.

Maybe Niles and Roz
do have a chance.

Well, sure they do. Blow it again.

You know, I hope I didn't discourage
Niles too much by the way I reacted.

You know how much stock
he puts in my opinion.

Blow it, Frasier.

I didn't mean the duck call.

What about that time in Canc?n
when the car breaks down

and that guy gives us a ride
on his donkey.

Niles, you have to hear this.

Oh, God, I didn't realise
it'd gotten so late.

I have to fax these contracts
to the office right away.

You wouldn't happen
to have a machine?

There's one in the study
right down that hall.

But can't that wait?
We're all getting so mellow here.

You're right. It can wait.
You know what we need?

Another bottle of wine
and I brought one. I'll get it.

Excellent, excellent.

- Well, it's going well, don't you think?
- Yeah.

Except your dad and Frasier
will be here any minute.

And if either one of them
sees Donny, things are over.

They're not gonna. You're gonna invite
him to watch the sunset by the lake.

You're gonna work
your charms on him,

then you're going to invite him
out to dinner,

and who knows where that'll lead.

What am I saying?
We both know where that'll lead.

- You really think it'll work?
- Yes, yes, yes.

You go there,
you enjoy that romantic sunset.

- I'll stay with the baby.
- Okay.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

You're not gonna let her
go and enjoy the sunset by herself?

Frasier, what are you doing back
so soon?

I came back for some more ammo.
Who knew ducks were so shifty?

Anyway, listen.

I know that you took
my advice to heart,

but I tell you, I've changed my mind.

I now approve of you and Roz.

- What?
- Yes, the two of you should go for it.

Okay, come on.
Off you two go, let's go.

- I don't think this is a good idea.
- Why not?

I've changed my mind.
I'd rather stay here.

What? You know what?

You guys are putting
far too much stock in my opinion.

Come on, let's get down to the lake
and enjoy that sunset.

- But l...
- Let's go.

No, not another word.
Down to the lake.

Okay. I've got a...

Alice.

It's okay, honey.

You wait here. I'll get Donny.

You know, Roz is heading down
to the lake to catch that sunset.

And you should be going
with her too.

For God's sakes,
I told the two of you,

I withdraw my objection.
Now, come on, let's go.

I'm worried
about leaving Alice alone.

Now, Roz, listen,
I will attend to the baby.

I was about to make myself
a cup of tea.

Now, come on, let's go.
March. Both of you, out the door.

You'll enjoy that romantic sunset

if I have to drag you
down there myself.

Oh, okay.

Good lord,
I just can't believe the two of them.

Ridiculous behaviour. My God.

- Daphne!
- Sorry.

- Did I startle you?
- No, no, no, that's quite all right.

It's just that if Niles knew
you were here, he would never...

Well, forgive himself
for not being here to greet you.

He wasn't expecting me.

Me plans changed and I thought
I'd drive up and join you all.

Well, isn't that nice?
You've got to leave.

- Why?
- No, well, you see,

Niles is up here for what a...
I think you Brits call

a dirty weekend with someone.

And the someone
happens to be Roz.

Roz?

You mean, "Roz" Roz.

Yes, yes.
You've gotta get out of here.

But I just drove two hours
and it's getting dark outside.

All right, I'll tell you what.

There's a bed-and-breakfast
up the road.

I think Dad, you and I
should stay there this evening.

- All right.
- Great.

- Could I use the bathroom first?
- No, no, of course. Right in there.

Dear God.

Where's Donny?

He can't be in the kitchen.
Frasier would've seen him.

Look, the door. He must be up there.

- You keep a look out. I'll go get him.
- Okay.

Why don't I take over here
and you can join Roz?

For the love of God.

If I'd known you
would take my words seriously,

I would've chosen them
more carefully.

For God's sakes, get out of here.
Get down to that lake.

Fellas, I really think
I should check on Alice.

No, no, Roz, your baby is just fine.

I burped her once
and she went out like a light.

Come on. Let's go, Niles.

Oh, you know,
I am thinking about it.

I think it's much more romantic
to stay here by the fire

than watch some sunset.

Why don't you clear out
so we can have our privacy?

Well, all right.

On the other hand...

You know, you can enjoy the fire
all night long.

You've only got ten more minutes
for the sunset.

You gonna get ammo
while it's daylight?

- It's almost sunset.
- Don't tell me, tell them.

- Is that the bathroom?
- No.

- Yes, it is.
- It's out of order.

Let me check again.

My God. One of the pipes has burst
and the other one's knocking.

Fine, is there one
down the hallway there?

- No.
- Yes, there is.

No, it's out of order too.

Well, it's a good thing
I brought all that beer.

You know, Niles,
you're behaving awfully strangely.

- What the heck is going on?
- What do you mean?

I mean that you show absolutely
no desire to be alone with Roz.

Starting to have serious doubts
about this so-called romance.

Oh, really?

Well, does this look "so-called" to you?
Come here, pookie.

That's why the door was stuck.
You two, why didn't you tell me?

- Donny.
- Donny?

Daphne.

- Daphne.
- What are you doing here?

Well, Niles invited me.

Oh, did he?

It was nice. Roz and I
had a chance to catch up on old times.

Yeah, that's right.
You two used to date, didn't you?

Well, isn't that nice of Niles
to organise this little reunion?

I hope I don't have anything
to worry about.

Oh, come on, are you kidding?

Well, obviously, Roz and Niles can
barely keep their hands off each other.

You know,
why don't all of us get out of here?

Give these two little kids
a little privacy.

You know, we could use
some privacy of our own.

Dr. Crane tells me
there's a bed-and-breakfast

up the road from here.

- Really?
- Really.

- Even more fun if we both go.
- Yes, yes. Bye.

Well, come on, Frasier.
Let's go get a nice sloppy joe.

I'll pay for it.

Something tells me I'll pay for it too.

I realise now
that you two don't need my blessing

so I'll just leave you with this: