Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 6 - Voyage of the Damned - full transcript

Well, Karl, you've got two choices.

Either you have the tattoo removed,

or you travel the globe searching for
another soul mate named Fredwina.

We'll be right back after this.

I was going over this offer you got
from the Siren Cruise Line.

- They wanna know...
- Roz.

- You know my policy on endorsements.
- Listen.

A celebrity entertainer cancelled
on a cruise to Alaska.

They'll let us go for free if you fill
in. You have to give a brief lecture...

Roz, I'm a psychiatrist, not a huckster.

Some of us in this profession still
believe in... mahogany wainscoting?



Isn't that fabulous?
Look at those staterooms.

Not to mention the world-class
health spa and gourmet chefs...

- It sounds tempting. It's just...
- I know.

I don't think it's right to trade
on one's good name for a free trip.

Plenty of people do. Look, Zubin Mehta
did one and General Schwarzkopf...

It says Gore Vidal did two of them.

Gore Vidal? He hates everything.

If you feel it would tarnish your image,
I'll tell Vicki you decided to pass.

- Vicki? Who's Vicki?
- She books the celebrities.

I met her at a party.
I was surprised she remembered me.

- We're on in 15 seconds.
- No, wait a minute.

- It's a favour for a good friend?
- She's not.

She means something to you.
You've put me in an awkward position.

- Frasier, I don't care...
- All right, I'll go!



This is the last time I pull your
chestnuts out of the fire.

- Hello, Dr Crane.
- Hello, Daphne.

You're looking very comfortable
for afternoon.

I just love days like this.

Nothing to do, nowhere to go.

Although I have a nagging suspicion
I've forgotten something.

Like getting dressed?

Oh, I could just watch the rain all day.

When I was a little girl,
I hated the rain.

Stuck inside, couldn't go out and play.

But my mum would always say,
"Enjoy it while you can."

"There'll be no water in hell."

Course, that was
her answer for everything.

"Eat your veggies. There'll be
no Brussels sprouts in hell."

"Have a lie down.
There'll be no naps in hell."

Daphne, I am a therapist. If you'd
like to talk about this sometime...

About what?

Nothing.

Wish I could remember
what I forgot to do.

Well, you know what they say:

if you can't remember,
it probably wasn't important anyway.

- Dad!
- Oh, no.

You're dripping!

That happens when you stand in the rain
waitin' for your ride.

- Mr Crane, I am so sorry.
- What the hell were you thinking?

Venting emotion is good,
but I've just had the floors waxed.

I said 4.00
on the corner of 2nd and Bell.

- You should have called me.
- I was afraid I'd miss you.

Good point, Dad. If you'd just
step on this paper, please. Perfect.

Oh, God, he's wet too! No!

Damn him! Daphne, Daphne,
get this canine sprinkler out of here!

Don't be too cross with him, Dr Crane.

As me mum used to say,
there'll be no dogs in hell.

I sincerely doubt that.

- Niles.
- Frasier. Hey, Dad.

I'm returning your cookbook.
I won't need it.

I thought you were preparing
an anniversary dinner for Maris.

Not this year.
Maris is flying to a clinic in the Alps

for an experimental
rejuvenation treatment.

Only one man performs the procedure,

and she wants to see him
before he's extradited.

- I'm so sorry.
- It's so depressing.

Every time we approach a breakthrough
in our therapy, Maris runs away.

I hoped that spending time together
on our anniversary

would get us over the hump.

There, there, Niles.
I know it's difficult when someone

puts their own selfish obsession above
your emotional needs. Here you are.

Take off that wet coat
and stay for dinner.

I'll get us a couple of hot toddies
like we used to make at Duke's.

Dad, you know, there's a recipe
in this book for a hot toddy.

It calls for Courvoisier,
camomile tea and a dash of Framboise.

Garnish it with a few rose petals, and
that's just how Duke used to serve it.

Make yourself at home.

Poor Niles.
You know, Dad, maybe I should...

Stop! I know what you're gonna say.

You wanna persuade Maris
to spend her anniversary with Niles.

- I didn't realise I was so predictable.
- You are. If you ask me...

Stop! I know what you're going to say.

I should mind my own business,
keep my big bazoo shut.

I was gonna say "fat yap",
but you're in the ballpark.

When two people are arguing, their
emotions can get the better of them.

- A third party can provide perspective.
- They have a therapist.

If Niles needs more help, he's got Dr
Jim Beam here, and he makes house calls.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty,
Maris. I hope you enjoy Switzerland.

I have plans of my own for our
anniversary that I'm very excited about.

That's a healthy approach.
What are your plans?

I thought I'd sit
in my cavernous apartment,

rocking back and forth
while hugging my knees.

Now, Niles, you're not gonna be alone
on your anniversary. You'll have us.

Well, actually, I've agreed to
give a lecture on a cruise to Alaska.

But I don't see a reason
why you two shouldn't join me.

- That'd be great, wouldn't it, Niles?
- I don't know.

Come on, it'd take your mind
off your troubles.

I appreciate it,
but whisking me off on a cruise...

I'm not as emotionally fragile
as all that.

As you wish. Well, Dad,
it'll just be you and me then.

- Yeah. When do we leave?
- Fourteenth.

The fourteenth?

You know, that just gets funnier
and funnier each time you do it.

No, no, I'm wrong.

Hey! Some ship, huh?
How's your stateroom?

I'd hardly call it a stateroom.
Wouldn't even call it a room,

but I don't know the nautical term
for "broom closet with sconces."

- How's yours?
- The same.

Worse. I'm sure you have a better view
from your porthole than I do.

- You have a porthole?
- What difference does it make?

- A cabin's just a place to shower...
- You have a shower?

All I have is a nozzle and floor drain.
It took me an hour to put them together.

The buffets come at a good clip,
so you gotta pace yourself.

And watch out for your fillers, your
breads, your rolls, your chips and dips.

You've only got so much room.
Don't be a hero.

- Hey, guys!
- Hey! Hey, Fras, this is great!

You got one of those cabins where the
whole bathroom turns into a shower?

Yes. Before you say it, I had no idea
what Spartan conditions we were in for.

That's all right. Once I got over my
fear that I'd be hauled below decks

and manacled to another oarsman,
I started to enjoy myself.

I won't spend much time in my cabin.
I'll hobnob with my fellow celebrities.

They got a lot of big names on board.
Did you see the pictures?

"Live and in person:
radio star Dr Frasier Crane."

- How about that?
- That's embarrassing.

I don't care for "star", considering
the calibre of the others on board.

"The comedy stylings of Giggles O'Shea."

Oh, yes, you're in stellar company.

Look, they even managed to snare a
magician: "The Amazing Lance Gould."

Oh, he's great! I caught his act
in Reno a few years ago.

For his finale,
he made his own head disappear.

Did the toupee go, too,

- or did it just hover...?
- Dear God!

You've booked me
on a floating Gong Show!

- What happened to Mehta and Vidal?
- I am so sorry, Frasier, I had no idea.

I guess they just book
A-list celebrities on big ships.

Attention, please. The Taste of Alaska
buffet is served on the Lido Deck.

That's my cue. You guys comin'?

- Dad, we had a big lunch at home.
- Rookie mistake. See you at dinner.

It's not that bad.
At least you got top billing.

Of course I got top billing.

- I'm the only one there I've heard of!
- What about him?

"Latin Singing Sensation
Carlos 'The Barracuda' Del Gato?"

Remember him from the '70s? He invented
that dance craze, the Barracuda.

Believe it or not,
Maris was a big fan of his.

- No.
- That was the one dance she could do.

The Hustle was too strenuous.

She had no booty to shake...

but her fetching little underbite
was just perfect for the Barracuda.

Niles, why is that woman staring at you?

God help me! It's that awful Mimi
Cosgrove from the country club. Hide me!

She's a man-eating lush who'd go...

- Niles?
- You little good-for-nothing Mimi!

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, looking for the bar.

Oh, there it is.

- Let me buy you a cocktail.
- Oh, you know...

I don't know what it is about the ocean
that makes me so thirsty.

Have you been working out?

Look, there he is. The Barracuda.

How thrilling!
A fellow headliner on the USS Has-been.

Oh, shut up.

Come on,
let's go over my notes for my lecture.

Dr Frasier Crane? I am Carlos Del Gato.

Hello. It's a pleasure to meet you.
This is Roz Doyle.

- Buenas noches. ¿Habla español?
- Oh, not really.

It's no matter. I am sure you are
schooled in the international language.

Oh, yes, Roz.
Say something amusing in Esperanto.

Each night

I select the most beautiful woman in my
audience and present to her a red rose.

This means the evening has just begun.

Perhaps one night
you will be my especial lady.

Until then...

OK, you're right.
We're on the voyage of the damned.

- So, are you still separated?
- I'm afraid so.

- Oh, you poor thing.
- Well, we're trying.

- We're in therapy.
- Oh, good.

You know how much
I've always thought of you and...

- Maris.
- Yeah, an angel.

If there's any way I can be of comfort
to you, why, you just let me know.

- What is that marvellous fragrance?
- That's...

Pardon, sir. The lady sends you this
with her compliments.

- What lady?
- There in the black dress and veil.

- Maris!
- There was one more thing.

Yes?

I'm sorry, sir, but she gave me
the biggest tip I've ever seen.

I'm sure you can convince Maris
this is all completely innocent.

If not, I'm in cabin 712.

What happened?
Was that Maris I saw running out?

She saw Mimi pawing me
and assumed the worst.

- How upset was she?
- I couldn't see past the outfit.

Who wears a black dress and veil
on a cruise?

She has no pigmentation.

Three minutes in the sun,
she'd sear like an ahi tuna.

She's supposed to be in Switzerland.
Why's she here?

Niles, Niles, I'm sorry.

I'm afraid that this
may be partly my fault.

You see, I left a message on her machine
saying how upset you were

and it might be fun
if she could join us on the cruise.

- You invited her and didn't tell me?
- I thought it would be a nice surprise.

Oh, well, it worked out perfectly!

She's probably arranging
to fly home from the next port.

The lady who sent me the champagne,
do you know which room she's in?

No, sir, but she asked me
to give you a message.

Just out of curiosity,
how much are these running her?

You're on in 20 minutes.
How's your speech coming?

It's hard to concentrate.
I'm so concerned about Niles.

I like this opening joke you wrote.
It's very funny.

Thank you. I can't take all the credit.

I had a patty melt with Giggles
before his show.

Oh, Niles, I can't tell you again
how sorry I am for meddling.

- How did it go with Maris?
- Terribly.

This is without a doubt the most
depressing night of my life.

That is so fun... I'm sorry.

I looked for her for hours. I remembered
her fondness for the Barracuda.

In the lounge, that Latin cheeseball
was crooning his ghastly song to her.

I approached, then a waiter came over.

By the time I got the champagne out of
my eyes, she had disappeared.

I waited after the show.
She didn't come out.

Neither did Del Gato.

- What are you implying?
- You know her taste for revenge.

If she thinks I'm having an affair with
Mimi, she'll try to punish me in kind.

Wow! Do you really think
she's planning to do the Barracuda?

Niles, don't jump to conclusions.

That's exactly what Maris did.

Says a lot about our marriage.
No trust on either side.

What hope is there for us?

- Is there anything I can do?
- No, you've done enough.

I'm just going to take a walk.

Oh, God.

Oh, I feel so guilty.

When will I learn to stop interfering
in other people's affairs?

I better go talk to Maris
and see if I can fix this.

- Are you gonna butt in again?
- What business is that of yours?

- There's your dad.
- Oh, no.

If he finds out,
I'll never hear the end of it.

Boy, that Taste of Alaska spread
was a bust.

Wanna know
what caribou meat tastes like?

Not chicken.

- Where's Niles?
- He's out for a walk.

Oh, I may as well
tell you the whole thing.

Maris is on board.
She and Niles had a horrible fight

and their marriage
is in worse shape than ever.

- No need telling you how she got here.
- I know, I know.

- What was I thinking, inviting her?
- You invited Maris?

Niles was so upset
about being alone on their anniversary.

It seemed like a good idea.

Smart, huh? I give you all this guff
about buttin' in

and then I turn round
and do the same damn thing.

Oh, Dad, don't be too hard on yourself.

- Frasier?
- Oh, all right!

- I invited Maris, too.
- You did?

- Yeah.
- I told you to keep your bazoo shut!

Oh, you're one to talk!

- What are we gonna do now?
- Nothing at all.

Let them resolve their own differences.

- Stay on the sidelines where we belong.
- Right.

- Better get going. I'll miss dinner.
- Dad, my lecture's in 15 minutes.

Oh, jeez.
Well, I guess I can't do everything.

Tell me how it went
at the midnight buffet.

- We better go to your lecture.
- Right.

- First, I'm gonna go talk to Maris.
- You just said...

- Forget what I said! You come too.
- I don't know her.

- You can vouch for Niles' innocence.
- All right. I'm curious to meet her.

- I've never seen her face.
- I haven't seen her most recent one,

so this'll be a new experience
for both of us.

All right, now listen,
let me do all the talking.

If it looks like she has an orange
Abyssinian on her head, don't stare.

That's a wiglet.

All through. Have a nice evening.

Damn. She must not be here.
What are you doing? You can't go in.

- I just want to see the room.
- You can't barge into someone's room.

My God! Is that a grand piano?

- Frasier, look.
- Barracuda's calling card.

He's chosen Maris to be his...

Especial lady.

She's coming.

Why are we hiding?
You came here to talk to her.

You can't extol the virtues of trust to
someone whose room you've broken into.

She's coming!

Oh, dear God!

- The shower is bigger than my cabin!
- Shut up!

Martin!

- Why are you here?
- We came to talk to Maris.

- Why are you here?
- The same as you.

- Why did you come in the bathroom?
- Well, what do you think?

- Oh, all right.
- Let's get the hell out of here.

It's Maris.

What's the big deal?
Why don't we go out and talk to her?

We can't. She may not be alone.
Remember the rose?

Oh, God.

Oh, I don't see her.
Maybe she went back out.

Oh, wait, I see her coat on a hat rack.

Look closer.

Is the hat rack moving?

- Oh my God!
- What's she doing?

- She seems to be alone.
- That's good.

- She's pouring champagne. Two glasses.
- That's bad.

She's putting on music.

Do the barracuda

Oh, that's bad. On so many levels.

She's coming this way.

Shut up! Shut up!

She's gone.

How are we gonna get outta here?

No idea, but I've got three minutes
before I have to be downstairs

- or 200 people will be disappointed.
- 200 people? Where'd you hear that?

They told me that was the room capacity.

Oh! Oh, come on!
Giggles had to add a show.

She's gonna hear us.

- It's the Barracuda.
- Who's the Barracuda?

A sleazy singer
Maris is gonna sleep with

- to get back at Niles for kissing Mimi.
- Who's Mimi?

A horny boozer and this predicament's
Mrs O'Leary's cow.

- Who's Mrs O'Leary?
- A woman in Chicago who...

Later! I haven't got time.

We must stop her before she
damages her relationship forever.

We cannot go out there now.
We don't want to walk in on them.

I don't want to see that.
I just ate caribou.

Oh, very well.

It seems I'm the only one
who really cares about this. I will go.

Maris, what a lovely bathroom!
What are you doing here?

We came to convince Maris nothing was
going on. What are you doing here?

Maris and I ran into each other. We had
a talk and she invited me for champagne.

Oh, that's great, Niles.

It might mar the mood a bit
if she finds you spying on her.

- Did you use that mouthwash?
- No, no, Maris did.

My God! She's in the mood
for more than champagne.

You've got to leave. Give me time
to see her out to the balcony.

A balcony?

Count to ten and then scram,

so Maris and I can celebrate the way
a man and his wife were meant to.

She started without me.

Drinking the champagne.