Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 5 - The 1000th Show - full transcript

-Hey, how are you, Doc? The usual?
- Please.

- I'll have my usual too.
- And that would be...?

I come in every day.
You must remember.

My usual is...

a half-caf...

cappuccino...

- with a light dusting of...
- Nutmeg.

- Cinnamon.
- Got it.

God, that's infuriating.

- I come here as often as you do.
- Don't take it to heart.

This person remembers me best.
The next person might...



Oh, my God, you're Frasier Crane!

- Could I bother you for an autograph?
- No, you can't. It's never a bother.

- I love your show.
- Thank you.

I think you're the smartest guy
on Earth.

Well, one does hear tales of a certain
wise man in Tibet, but why split hairs?

- There you are.
- Thanks.

Where was I?

You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego.

Enough.
You've yapped about it all morning.

It's a stupid rule,
and it's foreigners who suffer for it.

Another drive
on the wrong side of the road?

No.

It's about my friend Xena.
You don't want to hear about it.

Hey, Dad.



- Xena. The Greek woman?
- Yes.

We're planning a trip together.
Her mother's taking a cruise,

and her ship will dock in Mazatlan for
a week. She's invited us to join her,

only I can't go because
my bloody passport's expired.

Don't give up hope.
We'll get you across that border.

If I have to,
I'll snuggle you under an old blanket.

- Don't you mean smuggle?
- I'm using code language.

You can't be too careful.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

- Ma'am?
- Thanks. I've already ordered.

- Oh, I'm sorry. You had the...
- Absent-minded waiter.

I'll get it myself.

Roz called to remind you about
your meeting with the station manager.

Yes, that. He probably wants to discuss
my 1,000th radio broadcast.

- It's next week.
- You've done a thousand shows?

Yes. If I know the station manager,
he'll want to mark it

with a gaudy celebration:
press, parties, God knows what.

No, I've never gone in
for that self-congratulatory hoopla.

- The work is the thing for me.
- Still, a thousand shows.

- That's quite an achievement.
- I suppose.

- Who'd have thought?
- Not me, that's for damn sure.

Yeah, those first two weeks, p.u.!
Open a window.

All right!

- Hey, morning, Roz.
- Morning, Bulldog.

Oh, my gosh! Look what Frasier
got for me. He's so cute.

"Dear Roz, a huggy bear
for the mom-to-be. Love... Bulldog"?

I guess I shoulda known
you'd think it was from Frasier.

- I'm so sorry, Bulldog.
- It's OK.

I'm not the warmest guy in the world,

but when it comes to kids
I get kinda...

Oh, Bulldog, come here.

Come here.

Whoa, you're gonna make a good mother,
Roz.

Thank you, Bulldog. That's so sweet.

Bulldog?

- Oh, get off me!
- What?

You wanted to hug
because my breasts are bigger!

No, I was just trying
to feel a little kick.

Get out!

Pervert!

Morning, Roz.
I got you one of those muffins you love.

You're not getting a hug!

I see those mood swings
have levelled off nicely.

I'll just go and have that meeting
with Greg.

It's cancelled. He wanted to talk
about your 1,000th show,

- but I ran into him and I handled it.
- All right, let me have it.

What kind of a circus am I in for?

I suppose a garish outdoor rally

like the one they gave for Bob and Nipsy
over at KTLK?

I told him just what you said,
about how the work is its own reward.

So you're off the hook.

- They're not doing anything?
- Nope.

Well, well done, Roz. That's a relief.

Although...

I'm not sure I'm being quite fair
to you, you see.

I did hear that after that rally, Bob
and Nipsy's ratings went up 30 per cent.

The producer got a handsome raise.
And you, with the little one coming...

- Well, it's too late now.
- Right.

Can't be helped.
Best to just leave it alone.

Still...

there is the benefit to the station.

What's good for KACL
is good for all of us.

That's true.

I suppose you could call Greg
and tell him I'd be willing,

for your sake and the station's,
to submit to a small, tasteful,...

low-key public rally.

I just want to renew my passport.

No, I'm a resident alien
here from England.

You know,
the country that used to own you people?

You'll go right to
the head of the line now.

I can't wait two weeks.

My friend Xena's flying down
to meet her mum's ship Sunday.

Don't you put me on hold again!
I'll hang up! I mean it!

I showed him!

Well, it's official.

My 1,000th show is now an event.

- What's going on?
- Oh, nothing short of a media circus

with you-know-who in the centre ring.

They're planning a promotional
blitzkrieg, capped off

by a public rally in my honour
at the foot of the Space Needle.

Wow! That's great!
You must be thrilled.

Of course I'm flattered.
I'm just a little bit embarrassed.

I'd be content with a pat on the back
and an ice cream.

Dad, they've asked if you might say
a few words at the rally.

You don't have to
if you'd be nervous.

Oh, no problem. I can't tell ya how many
retirement dinners I've spoken at.

I've still got my old joke book,

1,001 Side-Splitters, Rib Ticklers
and Thigh-Slappers.

I'm sure you're a veritable
chiropractor of mirth, but...

I think they're looking for
something just a bit more personal.

Hello? All right, Roz, slow down.

Oh, good Lord, the mayor?

Well, has Frasier Fever
swept all the way to City Hall?

Well!
All right, Roz, I'll see you tomorrow.

- The mayor's going to be there?
- Yes. And not just be there,

he's going to present me
with a key to the city.

And he's going to proclaim it
Frasier Crane Day in Seattle.

Way to go, kid!

Who can this be?

Some mechanic from the Vatican
with my Pope Mobile?

- Niles!
- Frasier, dinner's on me.

I got some very good news today.

Your brother
just got some good news, too.

Not so good as mine, I suspect.
First, I have to apologise

for being snippy this morning.
I felt eclipsed lately,

but that vanished
when I reached my office

for what was waiting on my desk
but a gift from the self-esteem fairy.

The American Journal of Psychiatry.

I refer you to the Letters page.
Third one down.

"Dear Sirs, Dr Egmont Sanderling's
recent article on Trichotillomania

contained several errors."

"He should read the ground-breaking work
on the subject

by Dr Alan Caldwell,
Dr Milo Lauderstein..."

Skip to the end.

"...Dr Geraldine Fennelly
and Dr Niles Crane."

Not too shabby, eh?

That's quite an accolade.

Yes, I had no idea you were such
a well-known expert on the...

thing the letter mentioned.

And the way they saved you for last
so you stand out.

Nothing to kick away the clouds like
a heady sip from the goblet of fame.

I told Jean-Claude to start
my victory martini-shaking

- at precisely eight o'clock.
- Off we go then.

You had some news yourself. Do tell.

Well, let's just wait
for that martini, shall we?

Happy Frasier Crane Day.

Or is it Merry Frasier Crane Day?
I can never remember.

- Very amusing.
- I'll have a half-caf cappuccino.

Sorry I'm late. I stopped halfway

to listen to a jolly band
of Frasier Crane Day carollers.

I tried to join in on
The Twelve Days of Frasier, but...

forgot the words around day seven.
How does it go again?

I believe it's "seven snobs a-sniping."

Snipe away. I take your jealousy
as the compliment that it is.

A little affectionate joshing
doesn't mean I'm jealous.

- I'm nothing but happy for you.
- Thank you, Niles.

You know, I'm just a touch skittish
today. All this fuss over me.

Say, is it possible
to get these two to go?

We're not due at the Space Needle
for an hour.

I thought a walk might do us good.
Get a little exercise.

Then maybe I can stroll away my jitters.

OK, I could use the fresh air.
I feel a tad sluggish.

- Up late last night?
- I'm afraid so.

As usual, I left it to the last minute
to write all my Frasier Crane Day cards.

What a lovely day.
I'm so glad we decided to walk.

- I feel calmer already.
- Hey, Doc, way to go!

I'm listening!

I just hope Dad doesn't get too nervous
about his speech today.

I've been giving him
little tips all week.

As Daphne tells it,
you wrote the whole thing for him.

I did no such thing! I added a bon mot
or two, tidied up the language,

removed any questionable material.

- Not a word of his left, is there?
- Not a comma.

I'm listening!

Here's a tip.
The ones with cameras are tourists.

They have no idea who you are,
much less why you're listening.

The man clearly waved to me first.

- He didn't wave at you.
- He did.

- He was waving...
- Why are you even objecting?

...for a cab to get away
from the scary "listening" man.

I love this place.
Here you can feel the pulse of the city.

You know what I think when I see all
these people here bustling about?

Low turnout over at Frasier Crane Day?

No. I think that they're the reason
I love this city.

- Stop waving.
- Nothing wrong with being friendly.

There is a difference between friendly
and making a spectacle of yourself.

That man tried to assault me
with a fish!

Niles, get a grip! For God's sake,
you become hysterical

over the littlest things.

My suede shoes. You've spilled latte
over them! They're ruined!

I'm sorry.
And it was a half-caf cappuccino.

Why can no one remember that?

I'll have to replace them.
I'll look foolish otherwise.

Never have I heard such caterwauling
over a pair of shoes.

I spent a bundle on these.
They're Joan and David.

- You named them?
- Oh, shut up!

Well, these are quite handsome,
even if they're just a bit snug.

You can go back.
There's a pair you didn't try on.

Nonsense. We weren't in there that long.

Oh, God, the rally's about to start.
Give me your phone. I'll call Roz.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Hello?

Frasier, do you know what time it is?

Where the hell are you?
We're on the air in two minutes!

I'm sorry.
I was involved in a small accident.

I'm fine. Just start without me.
We'll take a cab.

- We'll have better luck at the corner.
- Right.

Niles, wait! Too many fans that way.
I'll be mobbed.

We're better off cutting over one block
through that alley.

Frasier's running late,
I've got to use you first, OK?

Yeah, sure, OK. Geez,
I was hopin' for a little more time.

I haven't even looked at the stuff
Frasier wrote for me.

Good afternoon, everyone,
and welcome also to our radio listeners.

I'm Roz Doyle,
and I'd like to thank you all

for helping us congratulate
Dr Frasier Crane.

We've got a full programme...

Stop worrying.
Dr Crane's a very good writer.

Look at this.
I'll die up there with this crap.

Sadly, our guest of honour
has been detained,

but we do have the next best thing,
his dad, Martin Crane.

Thanks, Roz.

Good afternoon.

22 years ago, my son Frasier came to me

and asked if I would put him
through medical school.

I agreed to pay for it,

but remarked,
"I should have my head examined."

Frasier replied, "Give me eight years,
and I'll do it for you."

It was a hard eight years for Frasier,
but as someone once quipped,

"A good psychiatrist never shrinks
from a challenge."

Oh, geez...

For God's sake, Niles,
come out of there.

Our mugger specifically
instructed us to wait for five minutes.

If he'd intended us to time it exactly,
he wouldn't have taken our watches!

All right, calm down. I can see
you're new to this whole mugging thing.

I can't believe I'm missing my own
rally. These shoes are killing me!

They're like the work of a skilled
Chinese footbinder.

Niles, give me your phone.
I'll have Roz send us a car.

What do you think the mugger
reached into my breast pocket for?

The only consolation is he jabbed
himself on my emergency sewing kit.

Niles, a pay phone!

It's not much use to us
unless we can find a quarter.

Niles, look.

You cannot be serious.
You want to rob that poor old man?

- We'll pay him back.
- He's blind.

I know. It's the first break
we've had today. I'll distract him.

Good afternoon!

Sounding lovely.

- Stop! Thief!
- Dear God, run!

I'd like to thank Frasier Crane
for his friendship...

Excuse me, Mayor Rice?

- Yes?
- I have a small bone to pick with you.

I can't say I care for the way your city
treats us poor aliens.

- You're an alien?
- Daphne Moon.

You see, my friend Xena and I...
She's an alien too...

...want to get to Mazatlan
to meet her mother's ship.

- Her mothership?
- Yes.

From what I hear,
it's quite spectacular.

I'm sure it is.
Go with these two gentlemen.

- They can take care of you.
- Well, thank you very much.

- Hello. Do you two work for the mayor?
- Yes.

I suppose I should know that already.
You see, I'm a bit psychic.

Stop, Niles! Stop!

I can't go on any longer.
My feet are killing me.

We lost 'em. Most of them dropped out
after the first corner,

but that short one with the pigtails
was a regular gazelle.

Look, it's even farther away
than it was before.

Frasier, the Monorail!
It goes to the Space Needle.

Let's go!

Welcome to the Seattle Monorail.

- Do you think anyone saw us sneak on?
- I think we're all right.

I hate to say it, but it was sort of
exciting, flouting the law like that.

It gives you some idea of why outlaws
are always such romantic figures.

You might have cut a more dashing figure

had you vaulted the turnstile
and not crawled underneath.

I'm surprised the trains
are even running on Frasier Crane Day.

Yes, well, with any luck we'll still
catch the last 20 minutes of the rally.

Though how I'll explain my lateness,
I have no idea.

I certainly can't tell them
about the fish, the little girls.

I can make something up, I suppose.
Any suggestions?

- The train stopped.
- That's not very original.

No, Frasier, the train stopped.

...people to be open about it.

What's going on?
Excuse me, what's happening?

Electrical problem ahead.
We're going back.

What?
But those people are waiting for me.

- They're so close.
- I guess it just isn't your day.

But it is my day!

- Don't panic, Frasier.
- Oh, don't panic?

Yes, why should I panic?

I'm only missing a celebration
in my own honour,

making me a laughing stock. And why?

- You spilled coffee on my shoes!
- You're blaming me?

If you had the gripping ability every
species above the tree sloth has...

You should think back on the 45 minutes
you and your ego

spent in that shoe store
trying on every pair of shoes!

- Are you calling me vain?
- If the Joan and David fits!

I don't even know
why I'm yelling at you.

I guess I'm just trying to blame you
because I don't want to face the truth.

I'm a big fat phoney.

I wanted my day.
I wanted hoopla and fuss.

I practically planned
the whole thing myself.

- You did?
- Yes.

Says a lot about me as a psychiatrist,
doesn't it?

I'm a small man.

Well, what does it say about me that
I was happy seeing you miss your day?

- You were?
- Of course.

I've been jealous of you all week.
I'm a tiny man.

- Next to me, you're a giant.
- I stare up at your ankles.

- I'd need a stepladder just to...
- Let's not do this.

You shouldn't feel guilty, Frasier.
Everyone deserves a fuss. You above all.

You've helped a lot of people. They
deserve a chance to thank you for it.

Thank you, Niles.

Dr Crane is on his way
and should be here any minute.

There it goes.

Goodbye, fuss.

Goodbye, day.

I hesitate to say this,
but you still have time...

Stop it!
Don't you dare get my hopes up!

That ship has sailed,
that fat lady has...

Taxi! Taxi!

- Oh, damn! I give up.
- Well, I don't. This is your day,

and if I can get you there
for a curtain call, I will.

I still have the blind man's quarter.
I'll call a cab.

Thank you, Niles. You're a good brother.

- Hey! Did I hear you yellin' for a cab?
- Yes!

- I can take you if you want.
- Are you serious?

- Yes.
- Niles! Niles, let's go! Come on!

- What about your friend?
- Oh, he'll be all right.

He's got street smarts.

- Where are we going?
- The Space Needle, please.

No problem.
Should be there in five minutes.

That's the first good news
I've heard all day.

I've been having
a pretty rough day myself.

Yeah. My ex-wife
is getting remarried tomorrow.

In Pennsylvania yet.

- You goin' to that rally over there?
- As a matter of fact, I am.

Told her I'd come to the wedding,
but I've been getting cold feet.

Better make up my mind soon, though.
My plane leaves in a few hours.

They don't give you any bargains
on those last-minute tickets either.

Maybe this isn't the best time
to tell you

but I'll have to owe you for this ride.

Don't worry about it.

Probably never should have gotten
married in the first place.

We were young.
Had a few good years, though.

Well, that's something, at least.

At least the kids
will be there tomorrow.

- Kids?
- Son and a daughter.

I don't see 'em much. They went
with their mom when we divorced.

Of course, I think I'm more excited
about seein' them

- than they are about seein' me.
- Why would you say that?

Just a feeling.

I didn't make much of my life back
when Marie and I were together.

Turned it around, though.
I own this car.

Well, it's a nice one.

The hardest part is, if I do go,
I have to see my in-laws.

They were never too crazy about me.

This new guy Marie is marrying is
supposed to be some kind of big success.

I don't know what I'd say
to any of them.

Part of me thinks I'd just be better off
leaving the whole thing alone.

- And part of you doesn't.
- I'd like to see my kids.

Especially now
they're getting a new dad.

Hell of a choice, huh?

You know, sometimes difficult choices
like these can be good things.

They can teach us about who we are.

I've bent your ear enough about this.

Besides, we're here.

Oh, don't worry about me.
I've got plenty of time.

- Tell me more about your kids.
- All right.

- I'm John, by the way.
- I'm Frasier.

So long, Seattle, we love you!