Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 4 - The Kid - full transcript

Roz, how are you?

Still pregnant.

I'm sorry about last night.

I tried to apologise,
but you ran out so fast.

I'm sorry. Was that rude? You know
more about etiquette than I do.

What is the proper length of time
you should stay

after someone announces to 100 strangers
that you got knocked up?

- I tried to call.
- I wasn't answering.

I was up all night
thinking about what I want to do.

A decision of that magnitude
would take many sleepless...

- I'm having the baby.
-...hours to make.



Are you sure, Roz?

I know it's quick, but even
when I was hoping I wasn't pregnant,

I knew if I was,
I was keeping the baby.

Then let me be the first
to congratulate you.

It's so wonderful.
You'll make a great mom.

I did the first step pretty well
and I wasn't even trying.

- Have you told the father?
- I called him at nine this morning,

which was seven o'clock at night
Cairo time.

Is that pertinent or are you dazzling me
with your command of time zones?

He's gone to Cairo. He's an architect.

Wow. Really?

- When's he coming back?
- He isn't.

That's fine with me. I'm comfortable
raising this child by myself.

And I'm sure everybody around here
will give you plenty of support.



Roz, who's the proud papa?
You got it narrowed down yet?

That's nice. Very nice.

- Frasier, would you excuse us?
- Of course.

Just remember the baby's future, Roz.
Try to make it look like an accident.

I was just kidding.
I'm sure you know who the dad is.

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

Do you remember Janet's party
a couple of months ago?

You got really drunk
and I drove you home.

Yeah. What about it?

You invited me up,
and I'd had a few myself

- and the next thing I knew...
- No, I don't believe this.

I don't even remember us...
Just tell me you're joking.

We don't have to get married
right away.

I thought you'd be happy about this.
I mean, we were wonderful together.

When you made love to me,
you were so tender and caring...

Tender and caring? No way was that me.

You almost had me. Good one, Roz.

- Someone at the door.
- Really?

So that's what that chiming sound means.

I'm indisposed. Would you mind?

Sure. Sorry, Daph.
Hang on, she's coming.

You take it easy. Rest up
for that big trek to the dinner table.

Hello, Dr Crane.

Daphne, before I come in,
I have to say I am mortified

about my behaviour last night.
I don't know what got into me.

About a quart of vodka, for starters.

There's no need for an apology.

I thought what you did
was very chivalrous.

I believe if a woman
finds herself in such a predicament,

a man of honour has an obligation
to do the right thing.

- And poor Roz is in that predicament.
- Do I smell chicken?

We'll be serving dinner
as soon as Roz gets here.

I didn't think she should be alone.

How's she doing?

OK, considering
she's decided to have the child herself.

Things have changed since my day.

Back then, if a girl got in trouble,
her family'd ship her off

to relatives and if anybody asked,
just lied and said she went to Europe.

Then when she came back, they'd
raise the baby as a little sister.

Not like today.
We had morals and values back then.

I assumed I'd have children,
but if Maris and I don't reconcile soon,

the issue will be moot.
She's older than I am.

and her biological clock
is winding down.

Luckily she flies to Zürich
twice a year to have it reset.

Babies are wonderful, but Roz
does have a rough road ahead of her.

It can never be easy
balancing a career with motherhood.

Where will she find a husband?
A kid needs a mother and a father.

That's Roz. Now remember she came here
to have a relaxing dinner,

not to be reminded of
the situation that she's in.

If she doesn't bring it up,
we won't discuss it. Agreed?

All right.

Daphne, you may answer the door.

Well, thank you.

Why don't I get a feather duster
and a French maid's uniform?

That would teach them, wouldn't it,
Daphne, and I would pick it out for you.

- Hello, Roz.
- Hey, Daphne.

Dinner's almost ready.
You just make yourself comfortable.

- That's such a cute skirt.
- Thanks. I just got it.

I just got these pants.

They're nice.

I got some interesting news last night.

Well, I and a large portion of Seattle
found out I was pregnant.

Don't you want to ask me about it?

Yes, of course we do,
but we were told not to.

Frasier's afraid we might
make you uncomfortable.

I want to talk about it.
I'm really excited.

I'm going to be a mom.
I've got a lot to do.

- One thing I've got to get pronto...
- A husband.

I was going to say a bigger apartment.

Maybe the husband'll have one.

How did the father take it
when you told him?

- Don't worry, she brought it up.
- He took it very well.

He won't be that involved.
He moved to Cairo.

Where would he have moved to
if he had taken it badly?

No, he's working in Cairo on a project.
He's an archaeologist.

Roz, why don't we get you
something to drink?

- Do you have any mineral water?
- Eight kinds. Come and pick one.

He's got room for
all that water in that fridge,

and I have to keep
my can of spray cheese under the sink.

This morning you told me
the father was an architect.

I did? That was a slip of the tongue.

- How did you two meet again?
- In a bar.

- You told me it was on a double date.
- Yes, it was on a double date.

You told me nothing.

What is going on, Roz?
You're hiding something.

Niles, please, would you excuse us?

By all means. I just came in
to open a bottle of wine. Sorry.

Is it that you
don't know who the father is?

Of course I know.

- Why don't you tell me?
- Because I haven't even told him yet.

I'm not sure I'm going to tell him.
It's complicated.

I don't care who he is but he has
a right to know he's having a child.

- This isn't any of your business.
- It's certainly his business.

You have an obligation to let him know
you're having his baby.

Niles, do you mind? It's impossible
to have a private conversation

with you eavesdropping.

I resent the implication
that I have nothing better to do

than spy on you like a nosy teenager.
I came in for a corkscrew.

I'm sorry.

All I could get
was she hasn't told the father.

- Double latte, please.
- I'll bring it over.

Thank you.

- Morning, Roz.
- Frasier? What are you doing here?

It must be a shock
to find me here in this place

that I come to every day of my life.

- You had a dental appointment.
- I rescheduled it.

- Thanks for telling me.
- What's going on?

- I came here to talk to him.
- The father?

- I'm proud of you.
- Now get out of here.

- May I have that to go, please?
- Sure, Dr Crane.

- Roz, how are you doing?
- Good. You?

- Great. What can I get you?
- I'll have a decaf, thanks.

Thank you.

- He's a nice kid.
- Yes.

- Working to put himself through school.
- Yes.

- He's the father, isn't he?
- Yes.

The father of your child is a teenager?

He's not a teenager, anymore.
He had a birthday three weeks ago.

We just went out for a couple of weeks,
and then it was over.

It's embarrassing, though,

him being seven years younger than I am.
Put your eyebrows down.

I've seen your driver's licence,
and you don't weigh no 170.

Now you know what I'm talking about.
I don't want to ruin his life.

- He still has a right to know.
- I know that.

It won't be easy. When you
were in college, if a woman told you

she was carrying your child,
wouldn't you have been devastated?

In my case, I would've been mystified.

- How do I even begin to tell him?
- It's never easy.

So, Roz, what made you switch to decaf?

Then sometimes a natural opening
does present itself.

Trying to stay healthy. I called this
morning and your number wasn't working.

I'm not in the dorms.

- Did you get your own place?
- No, I moved back in with my parents.

- Frasier, your dad's waving to you.
- Right. Like my dad's waving to me.

My dad's over there waving to me.
Excuse me.

You look incredible.

- I do?
- Yeah.

Dad, what brings you here?

Sherry took her sister across the street
to buy some foundation garments.

- I think they call them bras now.
- Not these you don't.

You could cross the River Kwai
on one of those babies.

- I have something to tell you.
- I've got some news, too.

Remember that junior year
abroad programme?

I'm in. I am leaving next week and
spending the rest of the year in Paris.

Congratulations. I'm happy for you.

Thanks. First my soccer team
wins the championship,

then I ace my finals,
and now I'm going to Paris.

I'm starting to think, what's next?

Funny you should ask.

- There's something in my eye.
- I don't see anything.

- Are you sure?
- I don't see anything.

- You're not looking.
- All right.

No, don't touch!

Look, Dad, I've got to go talk to Roz.

Go to the men's room
and rinse it with cold water.

I'm glad I worked all those extra shifts
to put you through medical school.

- Roz?
- Don't worry, I told him.

- How did he take it?
- He was pretty freaked out.

I said I didn't need anything from him,

and I was going
to raise this baby by myself.

Anyway, he's going to be fine.
I'm late for a doctor's appointment.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I guess so.

Can I take you to dinner tonight?

Thank you, that would be nice.

I'll see you later.

I can't stand these yuppie joints.
Some bozo went through the bathroom

correcting all the grammar
in the graffiti.

Who can have
that much time on his hands?

Unbelievable.

- It was Niles, wasn't it?
- I'll talk to him again.

It's open, Frasier.

I'm sorry.
I probably should have called first.

No, that's all right.
I'm just surprised to see you.

I'm surprised to be here myself.

- Come in.
- Thanks.

These are for you.

There was a card, but it kind of
blew off on my way over. I rode my bike.

- I acted like an idiot.
- It's OK.

No, it's not. I mean, when you told me,
all I could think about was myself

and how it was going to affect me.
But once I calmed down,

I started thinking about you

and the...

Baby.

So, that's the other reason I'm here.

I'm not going to Paris.
I'm quitting school.

I'm going to work
at the cafe full time.

So you've come to tell me
you've lost your mind.

No, I came here to ask you to marry me.

Oh, Rick...

That's so wrong.

Yeah, that's right.

Roz, will you marry me?

No, the proposal was fine.
It was absolutely lovely.

- It's just that we can't...
- No, please. Don't say no yet.

I have been thinking about this
all afternoon.

And I could fall in love with you.

I could be a good husband,
a good father.

Rick, that's the whole point
of being 20. You could be anything.

I'm much older than you are.
I am things.

I know what you're saying,
but I'm not too young for this.

My mom was only 17 when she had me.

Your mother's only 37 years old?

And would you two hit it off.
I mean, you guys have a lot in common.

- Actually, you sort of even look alike.
- Stop right there.

Listen,

your proposal was

so sweet.

- It's my first one, actually.
- Mine, too.

You're so...

I hope that you can understand
why I can't possibly marry you.

When I get married,
it's going to be to someone I love,

and someone who loves me,

and someone who can legally
drink champagne at my wedding.

OK. I understand.

- So is...?
- This is the sonogram picture.

I got it this morning. Right there.

Wow, that dot's my kid.

No, that dot's just a dot.
That dot's your kid.

- You can have it if you want.
- Thank you.

I can send you photos, updates,
that sort of thing, if you like.

I would like that. Yeah, very much.

- Roz, are you sure...?
- Yeah, I'm sure.

I think this is the right thing,
for you and for me.

Now, go.

Go to Paris. Go learn. Go have fun.
Just don't come back wearing a beret.

- Take care of yourself.
- You, too.

- I said go.
- But I just got here.

I'm sorry, Frasier. Come in.

I ran into Rick in the hall.

He asked me to marry him.

- I said no.
- That was very sweet of him.

- I was making tea. You want some?
- Yeah, thanks. With milk, please.

Well, you've had quite a day,
haven't you?

- You all right?
- I'm fine.

It's OK to not be fine.

- Is it OK just to be OK?
- Yeah, sure.

Thanks, Roz.

This milk's expired.

Whoa. It has.

That's all right,
I can drink the tea straight.

I had no idea I let this milk expire.

It's really all right, Roz.

I can't take this.

How did I let this happen?

Are we still talking about the milk?

Don't you see? Milk is a staple.

I let a staple go bad.
Good mothers don't let staples go bad.

How can I be responsible for a child

when I can't even keep fresh milk
in the house? Kids need milk.

Roz, kids don't even drink milk
for the first year.

See? I didn't even know that.

I didn't know that either
until I was a parent.

Don't you understand?
I have to know everything.

You could know half of everything,
about the milk.

- Lilith could know about the booties.
- You never met Lilith, did you?

Just forget the milk
and forget the tea and talk to me.

I don't know where to start. Everything
in my life is about to change.

My body, my love life...

Yes, but it's also going to change
in fantastic ways.

I remember the first night I brought
Frederick home from the hospital.

You put this tiny thing
into a tiny little bed,

and you look around and you realise
that the entire house has changed.

I know. I want that.

But, God, the responsibility.

Well, yes, but it's all worth it.

You get to share your life
with a remarkable little creature

who only lives in the present,

runs around naked
without the slightest bit of shame.

Can entertain himself
just staring at a shiny object.

- Isn't that wonderful?
- Isn't that Bulldog?

Well, technically, yes.

Roz, I'm going to tell you something l
didn't find out until I became a father.

You don't just love your children.

You fall in love with them.

It's that same rush, that same
overwhelming desire to see them,

to hold them, bore other people to tears
with every detail about them.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to have a baby.

Someone who's going to call out
for mom and it's gonna be me.

I'm really scared.
What if I can't do this by myself?

But, Roz, you're not all by yourself.

- I'm here.
- Thank you, Frasier.

I'll be available
in whatever way you wish.

From taking you out to dinner tonight
to that moment in the delivery room

when you say welcome to the world,
little Jimmy or little Sally or...

dare I hope, little Frasier.

- I think I'm going to be sick.
- I got carried away.

- No, I mean I'm going to hurl.
- Oh, dear God. I'll wait here.