Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 24 - Sweet Dreams - full transcript

That's it for today, Seattle.

This is Doctor Frasier Crane wishing you
good day and good mental health.

Move it.
Person waiting for the booth here.

That is not amusing in the men's room.
It's not amusing now.

- All ready then, Bulldog?
- What are you two doing?

We're recording an ad for a new sponsor.

By the way, Roz, baby or no baby,
your ass has never looked better.

Shut up.

- How sick is that?
- He's just being Bulldog.

No, that I liked hearing it.

- Hi, I'm Bulldog Brisco.
- And I'm Gil Chesterton.



When Bulldog and I are out together...

- Whether it's at the opera.
- Or rooting our Mariners to victory.

We always round out the evening

with a nice, relaxing cup
of Happy Dreams Tea.

We're making some right now.
How many lumps do you like, Gil?

One, please.

Ouch! Gets me every time.

Happy Dreams Tea. One cup, you'll have
happy dreams the whole night through.

Yes. Perfect. One take.

My "ouch"
could be a bit more convincing.

We'll splice that in later.

- What was that?
- It's the new station manager's idea.

He's getting on-air talent
to record commercials for sponsors.

Are you disappointed
he didn't ask you to do it?



About as disappointed as when
that hypnotist picked them to come up

and groom each other like monkeys.

Yeah, you really lucked out. He didn't
make you do anything silly. No, sir.

Roz.

Daphne, what're you doing here?

Dr Crane's car's in the shop,
so I'm a chauffeur.

- There's a rally on Pike Street.
- What sort of rally?

They're trying to save a bookstore
from being torn down.

Not Hirsch and Sons?

- They want to build a strip mall.
- That's a Seattle landmark.

My God, Mark Twain gave a reading there.

I know that place. I had a boyfriend who
liked to make out in the occult section.

I'm terribly upset about this.
We'll go down there and join that rally.

Good for you.

I refuse to stand by while some bully
rides roughshod over the little people.

- I don't want to go to a rally.
- Tough luck. You're the chauffeur.

This is rather exciting. I never
thought you to be the protest kind.

I was quite the activist
in my college days.

Nothing like throwing in
with a band of young rebels

thumbing their noses at convention.

Did you go for the whole package?
Long hair, beads?

No, I did have a pair of psychedelic
suspenders that raised an eyebrow.

This seems good, don't you think?

Hey, this is great. Hey, look,
everybody, it's Dr Frasier Crane.

Hello. Good to see you.

- Would you like to say a few words?
- Well, all right. I'll keep it simple.

Be strong, people.
Our cause is just. To the barricades.

This is sort of fun, isn't it?

People, this is your final warning.

- What's that?
- It's the police.

Disperse now, or we will take action.

- What do you they mean by that?
- We're not going anywhere, are we?

- Are they talking about a jail thing?
- Who knows? Exciting, isn't it?

They'll have to drag us out of here.

They don't actually
drag people away anymore, do they?

Cos they're too afraid to arrest us,
aren't they?

Now you're just provoking them.

All right, people, you had your warning.

They weren't kidding.

There go
the first lucky martyrs to our cause.

At the rate
they're dragging people away,

there'll be nobody left to protest.
I better get reinforcements.

Dr Crane, where are you going?

Solidarity, brothers.

- Hello, Niles.
- I hope you're free tonight.

I just secured a table at the most
exclusive new restaurant in Seattle.

- I'm not in the mood.
- At least hear me out.

This place is the hottest new thing
in fusion cuisine.

What cuisines are being fused?

Polynesian and Scandinavian.
It's called Mahalo Valhalla.

Perhaps there's a reason God
put those two countries so far apart.

My gourmet newsletter gave three and
a half whisks to their coconut herring.

I'm sorry, Niles.
Tonight's just a bad night.

Daphne's been hauled down to jail.
Dad's down there trying to bail her out.

- What?
- They should be home any minute.

It's just that she was down at that
rally for Hirsch and Sons bookstore.

The worst part of it
is I convinced her to go.

When they started hauling people away,
I chickened out and ran.

- You left her there?
- It was a shameful performance.

But I did clear that hedge
in front of Emerson's Funeral Home

like a Kentucky show horse, but...

What has happened to me, Niles?

I used to be so courageous,
to fight for things.

When did I become so middle-aged,
so timid?

Don't be so hard on yourself. We all
get a bit more cautious as we get older.

Not me. God, it was only five years ago
I packed up my whole life in Boston,

moved across the country to start over.
That took real courage.

Now, the biggest risk I take
is saying to Dad,

"Let's go out to dinner.
You pick the restaurant."

Daphne, it's so good
to have you home safe and sound.

Sod off.

- She's a little mad at you.
- Yes, thank you, Dad.

Daphne,

I am so sorry. I feel just terrible.

As you should.
You left me handcuffed and helpless.

If you're ever in that position again,
be sure to call on me.

For help.

Thank you, Dr Crane.
Shame on you, Dr Crane.

Why can't you be more like Dr Crane?

It took me six hours to get her out.

In my days
cops could count on a few perks.

No speeding tickets. Get your friends
out of jail fast. It's all gone to hell.

Let's hope they never do away with that

"all jewellery up for grabs
in the morgue" policy.

I'm not letting this dinner reservation
go to waste. Frasier?

- Thanks anyway, Niles.
- Very well. Dad, what about you?

Maybe I will come
and get a bite with you.

Sitting around six hours in that
station house, I could eat anything.

- Let's go, then.
- I can't wait.

Where are we going, anyway?

Hello? Yes, I'd like
to order a large pizza.

What toppings? Just a second.

Dad, what do you want on your pizza?

- Pepperoni.
- Pepperoni, please.

We've been fighting a lot
and she's never in the mood for sex.

I think she's having an affair.

Let's not give in to paranoia.

Just because your wife is avoiding sex
doesn't mean she's being unfaithful.

You said
you haven't been talking lately.

Why don't you try re-opening
the lines of communication tonight

by surprising her with a nice,
romantic dinner?

Tonight's no good. She's working late
on her boss' boat again.

But tomorrow's OK.
Thanks, Dr Crane.

Roz, what do you say we turn things over
to our eye on the sky,

Chopper Dave, with the traffic report?

I want to introduce you
to our new station manager, Kenny Daly.

It's a pleasure.

No, it's my pleasure.
I have to say, I'm just a huge fan.

I only had this reaction once before.
You ever hear of Norman Mailer?

Of course, the author.

No, I'm talking about
the drive-time guy, worked out of Tampa?

"Norman in the Mornin"'.
So funny you'd pray for traffic.

I'll try to catch him the next time
I'm in Tampa. In the mornin'.

- It's been great meeting you.
- You, too.

I got a call
from the Happy Dreams Tea people.

They had spots scheduled for your
first hour and you forgot to read them.

I didn't forget. I looked at the copy
and I couldn't read it.

Why not?

Well, just listen to this.

"One cup of Happy Dreams Tea and
you'll have happy dreams all night."

Dreams are a by-product
of unresolved emotion.

No tea can promise happy dreams.

I totally get that.

Our ad revenues are down
and they're a major new sponsor.

I promised them that you'd read
the ads this hour.

As a psychiatrist, I can't.
They promise something impossible.

Now I understand. What if
we just think of it more as a slogan?

But it's not a slogan.
If I, as a doctor, read it,

- it sounds like medical advice.
- OK. Now, totally get it.

Instead of saying Dr Frasier Crane,
don't say "doctor".

I'm not making myself clear here. Let's
try this. I will never read this copy.

This is the part of my job I hate.
You take a stand like that

and I totally respect it, by the way,
and you force my hand.

That's our biggest sponsor. Unless
you go on the air and read that ad,

I have to fire you.

Ten seconds, Frasier.

I didn't realise you felt so strongly
about it. I guess I have no choice.

Thanks, Dr Crane. What a relief.

Hello, Seattle.

The people who know me best will not be
surprised by what I'm about to tell you.

I am not a man

who betrays his principles.

I am not a man
who misleads his listeners

and I am not a man
who will shrink from a fight.

Today, I find myself in a fight
over the content of my show.

But rather than truckle to the forces
of commercialism,

I've decided to take a stand
on principle, even it means...

- I'm not on the air, am I?
- No. He put on the Best of Crane.

- How much did I get out?
- Well, let's see.

People who know me best will not be
surprised by what I'm about to tell you.

I am not a man...

Perfect.

So they fired you?

Yes. And I must say it feels good
to take a stand like this.

I feel like my old self again. I'll tell
you one thing, I don't envy Kenny.

Feeling the cold stares
of the other employees

because he's fired
the station's most popular personality.

He fired Tooty the Story Lady, too?

Very funny, Niles.

Who would have thought that getting
fired can make one feel so alive?

What do you want?
Another staring contest, I suppose?

Well, you picked the wrong day for that.

Take that.

- Frasier, what are you doing home?
- Dad, brace yourself.

The station fired me. So you'll
be seeing me this time every day.

That's terrible.

- I assume you mean the firing part.
- Well, yeah.

So what happened?

They asked me to violate a principle
I believe in and I refused.

I'm proud of you.
What did they want you to do?

There's this product and they wanted me
to say it gives people happy dreams.

And?

I couldn't make a claim like that.

All commercials promise things
they can't deliver.

That may be...

Like cologne driving women wild.

I used it all my life and never
had a single woman come on to me.

- Except that year I worked in Vice.
- Yes, I understand.

- But that wasn't about cologne.
- Yes, I understand.

- They were hookers.
- I realise that!

Frasier, don't be angry with me,
but I do have one theory.

I was wondering when you'd get around
to that so, allow me.

I was so ashamed of my chickening out
at the rally

that I grabbed at the first fight
that came my way.

It turned out to be the wrong fight
and I lost my job.

So if you follow that theory
through to the end,

this heady feeling of euphoria
I'm experiencing right now

is nothing more
than a deep-seated denial.

- So have you considered it?
- Not for a second.

Hello.

I know I'm the last person
you want to see,

but since I fired you,
I haven't been able to eat or sleep.

Kenny, it's only been
an hour and a half.

Well, I'm a napper.

I was wrong.

I just fired a man who was willing
to go to the mat for his principles.

What does that say about mine? Before
I go on, have you had any job offers?

He's had four. Shut up.

I'm still technically available.

I'd like you to come back to work.
I'm calling the Happy Dreams people

and telling them
you're uncomfortable with their ads.

At KACL, the talent comes first.

Well, what can I say but...
see you tomorrow.

This is so great. I'm so relieved.

Can I buy you a beer
just to show we have no hard feelings?

I would love that. As long as
I don't have to endorse it afterwards.

I guess I had that one coming.
Nice meeting you.

Good afternoon, Seattle,
this is Dr Frasier Crane

and I would like to begin today
by apologising

for my abrupt departure
from the airwaves yesterday.

You see, I was embroiled
in a conflict with the management.

I'm happy to report it's been resolved,

thanks to the efforts
of our new station manager,

a courageous and principled
young man, Ken Daly.

I won't bore you with all the details,
but he took on the big guys and won.

Anyway, I apologise
for our brief interruption yesterday

and I assure you that today's
will be even briefer.

Roz, let's go to commercial.

- Kenny, what's going on?
- It's the darndest thing. I got fired.

What? Well, how did that happen?

I told the sponsors
you wouldn't be reading their ads.

Then I'm called into Mr Martin's office
in the Black Tower.

I said sponsors
are easier to replace than talent.

He said I was easier to replace
than anybody.

Then he called me
a pinhead and took my Coke away.

That's terrible.

Kenny, I can't help feeling
that this is all my fault.

These things happen. If I've got
to get fired sticking up for someone,

I'm honoured it was for you.

At least now I'll have time to finish
building that nursery. We're expecting.

There's my wife now. She'll
get a kick out of this coincidence.

Me and her getting fired
in the same week.

- May I?
- Of course.

- We have got to get Kenny's job back.
- How are we supposed to do that?

We'll just round up all the talent,
go down to Mr Martin

and demand that he rehire Kenny.

He owns the station.
We can't give him an ultimatum.

It's not an ultimatum.
We'll appeal to his sense of decency.

Kenny went to bat for me.

Kenny hasn't asked for our help.
For all we know, he'll be fine.

How do you like that?
She's having twins.

Heck of a time
for me to lose my insurance.

Well, you guys take care.

Together we can do this. The important
thing is to present a united front.

What is the matter with you people?

We're frightened.

- Of what?
- Of everything.

We're in the Black Tower. Those lobby
guards must have been seven feet tall.

And that metal detector
we had to go through was scary.

It was even scarier
finding out Gil wears an anklet.

Get off the elevator, all of you!

I'm ashamed of you.
Intimidated by a building.

We're here for Kenny, the man who wants
to start KACL daycare, Roz.

The man who approved the airbrushing
charges on your publicity photos, Gil.

And, Tooty, who was it that just
doubled the Story Time puppet budget?

I know Kenny's a great guy
but I met Joe Martin once.

He was a very scary man
with eyes as cold as a winter night...

All right, Tooty.

Mr Martin. Hello.

- Do you have an appointment?
- My name is Dr Frasier Crane.

I am here with some talent from KACL.

My producer, Roz Doyle.
Gil Chesterton, food critic.

Bob Brisco, sports.
Tooty Feingold, the Story Lady.

Ray Schmidt, the Green Grocer
and Miss Judy, arts and crafts.

Sorry, Judy,
I don't know your last name.

I'm in the middle of a board meeting.

This will only take a moment.
This morning you fired Kenny Daly,

a wonderful station manager
and a man of integrity.

That is a very rare quality
in this industry.

You fire all the Kenny Dalys,
what are you left with?

A bunch of sycophants and yes-men.
Am I right?

Now it would be a great risk
to hire Kenny back.

But a man that stops taking risks
in life pays a very dear price indeed.

I know whereof I speak. And I can see
that I'm getting through to you,

so let me just leave you
with one last question.

What kind of radio station do you want?

Dr Crane, that is the exact question
I've been asking myself

all through that board meeting.
As you know, our ratings are down,

and the number crunchers in there
think they can fix it

by sucking up to our sponsors.
Well, that's not what I think.

Thanks to you,
I'm going with my gut on this one.

- You bet you are.
- I'm going to go in there

and tell them we're doing it my way.
No more talk.

Exactly. Action.

No, no more talk radio. From this moment
on, the station is all Latino music,

all the time.

- I beg your pardon?
- Thank you, Dr Crane.

I'm going back to my roots.

I may have walked out of that meeting
Joe Martin, corporate sell-out,

but I'm walking back in José Martinez,
risk taker.

- What just happened?
- You just got us all fired.

- What did you say?
- All right, don't panic!