Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 23 - Party, Party - full transcript

Tricia, I am so very sorry.
Have you been waiting long?

We were supposed to meet at noon,
and it's now quarter to one.

The most extraordinary thing happened.

At least I'll get
a colourful anecdote out of this.

- My watch stopped.
- I've got to go.

That is extraordinary.
It's a Swiss timepiece.

It only loses a minute per decade.

And you've had it for what, 450 years?
I have an appointment at one.

Please, let me have another chance.

I'd love to get to know you better.

I suppose even Swiss watches
sometimes stop.



You'd be amazed how much fondue
gets overcooked that way.

How about lunch tomorrow
at Le Petit Bistro?

He'll give us the best table
in the house. Please?

OK. I'll meet you there at one.

- That's when the little hand is...
- Yes, I know.

- See you then.
- OK.

Frasier. Thank God you have room.

I just spent ten stupefying minutes
sharing a table with a taxidermist.

He doesn't have to stuff his trophies.
He can just bore them stiff.

Who was that woman?

A young lady I met
at the opera last night.

It was remarkable.
Our hands touched, there was a spark.

After ten minutes,
I knew I had to know her better.

- Ever experience that sort of thing?
- I do know a thing or two about it.



Excuse me. Can I have
the non-fat cappuccino, please?

What am I to deduce,
that you've recently gotten lucky?

Yes, and she lives in your building.
Five floors down. Allison Landis.

You sneak. I don't even
know the woman. How did you two meet?

On the elevator. I walked her to her
car where she'd locked her keys inside.

- I saved the day.
- You got them out with a coat hanger?

I called the auto club.
Where would I find a coat hanger?

She invited me for lunch,
we hit it off.

The next night I took her to dinner.
One thing led to another

and soon there was
no further need for words.

Except for your frantically-babbled
"thank yous".

I'm seeing her tonight, so you'll
understand if I'm drained tomorrow

at our squash game.
My love-making can get athletic.

More than can be said
for your squash game.

I've been away
from the seduction scene so long

I was worried I'd lost my technique.

Were those fears ever groundless.

It's like French.
You can go without speaking it for years

and then a few hours
on the boulevard d'amour, then you...

- Where are you going?
- To sit with the taxidermist.

I can't believe this has happened twice.

- You had car trouble.
- Maybe she's still at Le Petit Bistro.

She isn't. If you're talking
about someone named Tricia,

she called to say she was leaving.
She said you were right about the table.

It was a beautiful table and she wished
you were laid out dead on top of it.

It's her machine.

Hello, Tricia, it's Frasier.
I'm terribly sorry

but my car battery went dead at a light
and I didn't have my cell phone.

I couldn't go to the restaurant because
I was wearing ridiculous shorts.

I know how this sounds but
it's the truth. Here, ask my brother.

They're ridiculous shorts.

Anyway, please give me one more chance.

I'll go anywhere, anytime.

Just give me a call.

Please.

May I have the phone?

I had such
high hopes for this young woman.

Now I've gone and blown it twice.
Whom are you calling?

Allison. It's been hours since we spoke.

Hello, there.

How are you feeling?

Me, too.

Yeah, me too...

Take it in my bedroom.

You're making the dog twitch.

You'll be so excited when you hear
what I got planned for your birthday.

- I didn't want any fuss this year.
- Get ready to change your mind

cos I scored tickets Friday night
to the best show in town.

Chimps On Ice.

Oh, my.

I know this doesn't sound
like your cup of tea,

but Duke saw it last week
and he busted a gut.

And mind you,
he even saw it with the understudy.

Dad, I really don't feel like going out
on my birthday this year.

- Are you sure?
- Actually, I'd made plans.

I was going to watch television. There's
a new production of Cosi fan tutte.

No wonder, then.

You're missing a treat.
Duke said at the finale

the cast skates to the top
of a ramp and then splat!

Right into a tank of whipped cream.
Bet they don't do that at your opera.

No, and Mozart's still kicking himself.

Come on, boy.

Frasier, are you familiar
with the Safari Club?

Of course.
Their yearly expeditions are remarkable.

They're legendary. Last year they made
camp at the base of Mount Everest,

then had their servants climb it
while they held a wine-tasting.

- Why are you telling me this?
- Because Allison is a member.

This Friday they're having a reception
at her place and we're invited.

That's incredible.

- Consider it your birthday present.
- Thank you so much.

I told Dad I was going to stay home.

- Don't tell him about this.
- Don't worry.

I told him yesterday
I was going away for the weekend.

- You knew about this yesterday?
- No, but I knew about Chimps On Ice.

I understand one of the members
is going to show an old film he made

of the rare and endangered species
found only in the rainforest.

- Maris would have loved it.
- Why so?

She had shoes made
from almost all of them.

- Allison.
- Niles. And this must be Frasier.

Come in, both of you. There are
lots of people I'd like you to meet.

The bar is over there
and the hors d'oeuvres are here.

We have some fascinating delicacies
actually bagged by our own members.

This is ostrich, that's wildebeest
and that's springbok.

I can never remember, is it
"fall ahead, spring bok" or vice versa?

- I forgot I had this on me.
- Don't apologise. I do it myself.

Even in the veldt one must
keep in touch with one's broker.

- You can have privacy in the study.
- Thank you. Hello?

You look ravishing tonight.

Thank you. You and I should be
very discreet tonight.

I'm a psychiatrist. If I can't be
discreet, it don't rain in Tanganyika.

After all, if in the near future,

you should be
up for membership in our club,

I want to appear objective
when I sing your praises.

My ears are already burning.

Frasier, we're being
considered for membership.

We must show them
how enthusiastic we are.

- I have to leave.
- What?

That was Tricia on the phone. She's
going out of town tonight for a month.

But if I pick her up at her place,
we can at least have a drink.

Are you insane? This is the Safari Club.

These are the people who introduced
badminton to Devil's Island.

They challenged the lepers of Molokai
to a three-legged race.

I don't care. It was kismet
when I met Tricia. I must see her.

To leave two minutes after arriving,
you'll ruin our chances.

All right.
I'll make a proper excuse.

Excuse me, Allison.
I'm terribly sorry.

It seems I'm coming down with something.
I'm going to have to leave.

If you feel better, please come back.
We'll be here all evening.

Thank you, but I don't really
see that there's much hope.

I'm just picking up my keys.
I will see you in ten minutes.

And, Tricia, I can't wait.

All right, bye.

Surprise!

We weren't going to let you
stay home alone on your birthday.

- Look at him. He can't believe it.
- No, I certainly can't.

- Why are you dressed like that?
- I dress like this sometimes

when I watch the opera on television.

That's up there on the dork meter.

Since I'm not watching the opera,
I should buy a tape so I can record it.

We're way ahead of you, Dr Crane.
Your father has the VCR all set up.

Let's get things started.
Here you go, Doc, happy birthday.

Thank you, Bulldog. Thank you, all.

David Copperfield. Dickens' classic tale
of a man making his way in the world.

I think we're talking about different
movies here, Doc.

David Cop-A-Feel.

But you were right
about the classic tail.

- You need a brew? I'm headed that way.
- No, thanks.

- I'd love a cup of hot tea with lemon.
- I'm fetching, not cooking.

There's a kettle of boiling water
on the stove.

Here you are.
Now don't be mad at your father.

He wanted to do something nice after
you turned down the skating monkeys.

Great party. As long as we've got
enough ice. Four bags, right?

- No, I got two.
- Two? I told you to get four bags.

But you never under-budget on the ice.

You might get a lot
more rocks drinkers than you expected.

- Or ice chewers...
- Dad, I can go get some more ice.

We don't need any more ice.
There's a whole tub of it.

Yes, well, then...
Excuse me. I need to make a call.

Tricia? Frasier. I've been detained.

Yes, I know that you
don't want to hear why, but...

I think I can find a way
to get out of here.

Yes, I'll see you in a few minutes.

Dad, bad news.
Seems your ice is melting awfully fast.

- What?
- I'll go get some more.

No, it's your party. I'll go.
You just got here.

Roz, it's my birthday. I can do
what I want. I want to get ice.

I warned her. It's practically gone.

Don't worry, Dad. I'm on it.

- I'll be glad to go...
- I know what kind Dad likes.

No, don't, don't stop on 14.
Just don't stop on 14.

Frasier.
I'm delighted you're feeling better.

We're about to start the film.
Wait until you see it.

Just grab a chair
before all the good seats are gone.

- What are you doing here?
- Wishing I had taken the stairs.

Watch it.
If I'd wanted this martini shaken,

I'd have asked the bartender
to do it.

Mustn't mind old Rhino.
Always in a vile mood.

- Rhino?
- Karl Landis, Allison's husband.

They call him Rhino
because of his mean temper.

Husband? Allison's married?

Not surprised people don't know.
He's always on safari. Loves guns.

Guns and women.
No secret, notorious for it.

Cheats on her constantly.
Mark my words:

One day she'll pay him back and
then rub his blood-thirsty nose in it.

I think I just swallowed my tongue.

Niles, just be calm. You didn't know.

As long as you've both been discreet,

there's no reason
it should get back to Rhino.

- I don't know what you're insinuating.
- Don't lie.

Everyone knows
what goes on in that pup tent.

Well, I can play at that game, too.
In fact, I already have.

And with somebody right here tonight.
How do you like that?

I need you to create a distraction while
I have a sex change and move to Europe.

I'm sorry, Niles. I would love to help,
but I've got to get out of here myself.

Ready for the movie.
Mind helping me turn out the lights?

Splendid idea. You're going to want it
nice and dark in here, aren't you?

You should've told me
you were married. I must leave.

If he sees someone sneak out,
that's the first person he'll suspect.

All set?

And it's show time.

Here under the leafy canopy
of the rainforest,

the sun never penetrates
the gloom of the interior.

An almost subterran...

- What happened?
- Did someone pull the plug out?

Yup. Here it is.

All right, lights out.

...quality permeates this hidden
kingdom deep in the underbrush

- and all manner of creatures...
- What was that?

Someone certainly snuck out of here
in a hurry.

I know what you're all thinking.

Now that Allison has seen fit
to air our dirty laundry in public,

you assume that was her lover.
But I know it wasn't.

- How?
- I can sense that he's still here.

In the jungle I learned
to smell fear and I smell it now.

So, let's see whether the swine
has guts to stand up and admit it

before I expose him.

What about it, coward?
Going to stand up?

That many? My God, woman,
you're as bad as I am.

Come on, you bastards,
join me in a drink.

Hi, Dr Crane. We're all
on our way up to your place.

Noel, so you are. Hi, Tom, Janet,
Bill. I was just heading down.

- We're out of ice.
- Not anymore. I brought a 20-pound bag.

Just call me Noel Shempsky: Party Saver.

Here's the ice. Here, Noel,
put that in the kitchen, will you?

Dad, I went out without my wallet.

They gave me the ice
but I have to go back and pay them.

At least play
the last round of charades with us.

- I should be getting back there.
- But you love charades.

It won't kill them
to wait a few minutes for their money.

Be on our team. We really suck at this.

- The category is famous play titles.
- I'm a bear at charades.

You ready?

- Yeah.
- All right, go.

Three words. First word.

Mourning Becomes Electra.

- Yes!
- What? Four seconds?

Well done, Roz. Nice playing with you.
I'm out of here.

You have to take a turn.
You have 30 seconds to prepare.

Well, all right.
Maybe I'll just prepare in the kitchen.

Tricia! You're going to laugh
when you hear this. Hello? Tricia?

Fine.

The Iceman Cometh

- All right.
- Ready? OK, go.

Three words. First word.

A small word.

On? In? Of? To?

Be? Is? It? I? You? Me?

They, them, us, we, he, she.

Forget about it.

OK, second word. Two syllables.

First syllable.

Cold, chilly, freezing, winter.

Snow, sleet, hail, frost,
frostbite, gangrene.

- Gangrene?
- No talking allowed.

Second syllable.

Shrink. Doctor. Dork.

Person, guy, male, man.

Man, man, man. Let's see,
Icy cold man, ice man. Got it.

- Thank you.
- Frosty The Snowman. Yes!

No, you jackass! The Iceman Cometh.

Disqualified.

You two are the worst charades players
I've ever seen.

Those skating chimps could...

You did your best.
We'll get it next time. Off I go.

No, wait, Frasier. We still have
a consolation prize for you.

Look, he's crying.

- Made it.
- Boy, are you wrong.

I have a plane
leaving for Spokane in an hour.

My cab is on the way, so why don't
you just be on your way, too?

But I had to sneak out
of a birthday party

being given for me by my own father
just to come here.

Yeah, right. It's your birthday.

If you don't believe me, here,
just see for yourself.

It's the worst birthday
I've had since I was eight,

when I pinned
the tail on Sally Annunciato.

She shoved a cupcake down my shorts.

You really blew off your own
birthday party just to come meet me.

I would've done almost anything
to get to know you better.

That's very sweet,
and I wish I had more time

but I have an 8.00am appointment
in Spokane and I can't miss my plane.

- I could drive you.
- It's only 20 minutes to the airport.

- I wasn't talking about the airport.
- What?

I can get to Spokane in six hours.
Enough time to get acquainted.

- I can't ask you to do that.
- You didn't ask. I offered.

I want to do it. Here...

That's the most romantic thing
I've ever heard.

One of two things can happen. We'll
discover that we've built each other up

because we had such trouble
getting together,

or this could end up being a story
we tell our grandchildren.

Personally,
I can't wait to find out which.

Me neither.

Off we go.

I thought I'd find us
some background music.

Good idea.
Looking for some more opera?

No. The one the other night
was my first and last.

I was dragged to it
by one of my converts.

There we go.

Converts, you say?

I'm one of the Truth-Bringers.
I was ordained by Brother Carmichael.

The evangelist? I go door-to-door,
spreading his word.

Do you mind my asking something?
Have you heard the truth?

Something tells me I'm about to.