Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 22 - The Life of the Party - full transcript

Geez, look at this stuff.

Golden Sunset Retirement Village.
Investments for Seniors.

Willowbrook Mortuary.
What the hell kind of list am I on?

The good news is I don't think it's the
kind of list they keep you on very long.

Ever since I turned 65, all I get is
geezer mail. It's very depressing.

The only thing depressing about
being a geezer is looking like one.

There's things a person can do
to look younger.

- How he dresses...
- I tried those Jordache jeans.

I just think you ought
to leave something to the imagination.

There's always your hair.
I know it's not exactly your style,

but there's nothing wrong
with covering up that grey.



I know just the right shade for you.
Cinnamon sable.

Cinnamon sable? Sounds nice.

Wait, I couldn't use that.

That's Duke's shade.
He'd scratch my eyes out.

- Hello, Niles.
- Frasier, prepare to salivate.

If that is a picture
of your new Biedermeier loveseat,

you've already shown it to me.

This is a photo of my latest purchase.

An exquisite 18th century Turkish
prayer rug. Paid a fortune for it,

but legend says whatever you pray for
on this rug will come to you.

It certainly worked for the dealer.

I'm sorry, Niles,
I'm just not in the best of moods.

I had another disastrous
blind date today.

I'm sorry.



Murderers on Death Row
can find women to marry them.

I can't find one
to sit through coffee with me.

It's easy for them to attract women.

They have all that time
to work out in the yard.

I'm serious. I'm getting desperate here.

My love life's
not much better than yours,

but you don't see me
going off the deep end.

Did it ever occur to you that
this recent antique buying binge

is nothing but a way of sublimating
your frustrated sexual desires?

These purchases
have nothing to do with sex.

Don't they? In addition
to the loveseat, let's see,

your most recent acquisitions
have been a French bedwarmer,

a pair of toby jugs,

the less said
about that Civil War ramrod, the better.

You Freudians.
Sometimes a ramrod is just a...

Hell, even I can't make that one fly.

Take heart.
We're both in the same boat.

But where do you go to meet people?

Just yesterday
I met a very nice man at the grocery.

He asked me
if I was free Saturday night.

He said, "Wait,
that's me niece's Bat Mitzvah".

I said I've never been to a Bat Mitzvah.
He asked me to go to the Bat Mitzvah.

I said I'd love to go
to the Bat Mitzvah. So...

- Daphne?
- Yes?

Nothing. I'm sorry. Go on.

I seem to have lost me train of thought.
Anyone like some tea?

- Love some. Thank you.
- Thank you, yes.

Little trick I discovered
a few weeks ago. It's a lifesaver.

Anyway, as I was saying, where
does one go to meet available women?

There are singles bars, of course.

- We could join a health club.
- There's a splendid idea.

I can just picture the two of us,
tank tops and spandex.

With matching headbands,
we might as well sterilise ourselves.

Sounds like fun, Daph.
If she says Bat Mitzvah one more time...

- Hey, Niles.
- Hey, Dad.

You come up with an idea.

- What are you guys talking about?
- Our pathetic love lives.

Why don't you do what my buddies and
I did when we were hard up for dates?

Invade Korea?

No, we'd throw a party
with just one rule.

Only single, available people
were invited.

I don't know, Dad.
That doesn't really sound like us.

It works. I used to throw one a month.
People used to call them Marty parties.

People would call me and say,
"Marty, when's the next Marty party?"

"Isn't it time for another Marty party?"
"Had a great time at the last one".

- Dad?
- Yeah?

I'm sorry. Nothing.

Or somebody might say,
"Can I host the next Marty party?"

Doesn't always work.

I don't think
we're quite hard up enough yet

- to stage a singles party.
- OK, suit yourself.

We'll just get ready for the evening.
I'll dish out the spaghetti

and you guys set up the card table.
I got us a new jigsaw puzzle.

10,000 pieces.

It's called "The Wheat Field".

- I'll send the invitations.
- I'll call the caterer.

Hello, welcome. Please come in.

This is wonderful.
I had no idea we'd get such a turnout.

Everywhere I look there's another woman
I want to get to know better.

With some obvious exceptions.

- Roz, I didn't know you were coming.
- I know it's a long shot

but I figured I better get out and
do a little flirting or I'd forget how.

- Can I offer you something?
- Yeah...

Roz, you are rusty.

I know you've been striking out lately,

but I invited someone
who'll improve your batting average.

I've already met someone captivating.

- Hi, Roz.
- Tina, you made it.

You know me.
Have I ever said no to a good time?

That's what I was trying
to tell Frasier.

Tina Kramer, meet Dr Frasier Crane.

- Doctor, huh?
- Yes, that's right. Roz?

Strong hands.

I guess it's true what they say,
strong hands, strong mind.

That's why you'll never see an
unopened pickle jar at a Mensa meeting.

Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Oh, excuse me.

Martin?

- You're looking at my hair, right?
- Yeah. Looks great.

Thanks. Yeah, I did it myself.

- Get out.
- Yeah, really.

Well, Daphne suggested it.
And at first I said no way,

but then I thought
a lot of other guys do it.

What better place to try it
than here where nobody knows who I am.

You look great, too.

I was really happy with this dress.
You can't tell I'm pregnant.

I know. Real nice.

You have a good time at the party and
the dress looks great. Nobody'd know.

Same with your hair.
It's completely natural.

- Hey, Niles.
- Hey, Dad.

Watch that "Dad" business.
Got a few ladies around here

thinking I just might be your brother.

Yeah, it's like looking in a mirror.

- Aren't you having fun?
- Sort of.

It's been so long since I've been single
it's hard to strike up conversations.

You just need a little confidence.
Watch this.

- Hi there.
- Hi.

I'm Marty Crane. And this is my son,
Niles. Yep, my son.

Hi, Vicky Cantrell. You're the host.

I was admiring
your beautiful Turkish rug.

- Thank you.
- Is that 18th century?

Yes, it is. You have quite an eye.

I work for an auction house. I'd
love to see some of your other pieces.

It would be my pleasure. There's
an absurd old legend about that rug,

that whatever you pray for...

Well, perhaps
it's not that absurd after all.

Roz, that woman is all over me.

Didn't you get
what I was trying to tell you?

Yes. I also got it when she showed me
how she can tie a knot

- in a cherry stem with her tongue.
- That's a party trick.

The cherry was in my mouth at the time.

I tried to tell you
that I met a woman tonight.

- All right, I'll go talk to her.
- Thank you.

- Frasier.
- Niles.

I just met the most fabulous woman.

That's fabulous.
I also met someone who's terrific.

Wait, I can't wait.
I have to show you mine first.

- She's over by the buffet.
- So is mine.

At what point
would you like to acknowledge

that we're both waving
at the same woman?

I saw her first.

You're the host. You see everyone first.

- There are plenty of other women here.
- Exactly. So go pick one.

Let's stop this. The civilised thing to
do is for us to both stay away from her.

We are psychiatrists, not a couple
of rutting pigs in a barnyard.

What do you say to that?

Sooey.

- Very well. May the better man win.
- Fine.

- Frasier, your father wants you.
- Advantage Niles.

I want you to meet a big fan of yours.
Kathy Locker, Dr Frasier Crane.

I love your show.
You're such a good listener.

Just yesterday you gave the best advice
to that woman who called in

about a problem with her teenage son.
What was it you said?

What do I ever say? You're in denial.
Seek help. Whatever. Blah, blah, blah.

- He's different from what I expected.
- He's not what I expected either,

but you get used to it.

You were telling me
about being a detective.

Do you feel like getting a drink?

- That would be nice, Marty.
- OK.

You know,
this is such a prime spot here.

maybe one of us should stay here
and the other one get the drinks.

You're right.

So I'll have a beer.

OK.

I think I lost an earring.

There it is, by my foot.

There you go.

Thanks. Enjoy the party.

- These egg rolls are delicious.
- I made them myself.

Really? A psychiatrist and a chef.
Impressive.

They both came in handy
when I cured the ham.

Hello, Niles.
There's an emergency in the kitchen.

Very cagey, Frasier. Why don't
you just run out and yell "fire"?

- Excuse me, Vicky, for a moment.
- Of course.

- Is it a serious problem?
- No, he's always run like that.

You mean the kitchen.
He can handle it.

- You two seem very close.
- Yes. I'm his best friend.

Well, his only friend, really.

That surprises me.
He seems very outgoing.

Doesn't he, though? Yes, the medication
seems to be working wonders.

I just hope he sticks with it this time.

Shall we hit the buffet?

- What a great story.
- Thanks. This is fun.

I usually hate these kinds of parties.

Me, too.
People are always so superficial.

Yeah, it seems like everybody nowadays
is all about appearances.

- Shall we get a drink?
- Yeah, sure.

- I'm not really very thirsty.
- Me, either.

Then I top it off with brandied cherries
and crème fraîche.

Frasier.

I'm telling Vicky
my recipe for crépe gâteau.

I'm sure she's had enough
of your crépe by now.

I'm sorry to interrupt,
but Dad needs you, Frasier.

- No, he doesn't.
- I think he might.

All right, then. If you will excuse me.

Do you live with your father?

No. A grown man live with his father?
Frasier lives with Dad.

Champagne?

Get me home.
Something's happening with my hair dye.

It's melting. Look at this stain.
It must look terrible.

No, it looks terrific. Maybe the fire
is making you perspire a bit. Here.

You look quite young and attractive.
Yes, by the warmth of the fire glow,

I'd say that you actually look like
you're back in your "Marty party" days.

You're not BS-ing me?
OK, then, I'll stay.

- Vicky, hello. Where's Niles?
- He had to take a call.

That's terrific.

Would you like to find someplace
where we could talk? No interruptions.

- Frasier...
- Not now, Roz.

- Can't you see I'm busy?
- My water just broke.

Maybe you sat in something.

Oh, my God!
What's all over my Turkish prayer rug?

- You've got to get me to a hospital.
- Yes, of course.

Vicky, if you'll excuse us,
my friend Roz just went into labour.

- How exciting! Good luck.
- Thanks.

Wait one second.
This may not be an appropriate moment

but perhaps you'd like
to have dinner with me sometime?

That's sweet of you,
but I'm not really interested.

Thank you for your honesty.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I find
a woman who's interested in me?

Those are two different questions
so we should talk them both over.

Wait, I can't. Because I'm in labour!

How did we do?

This time it's hot and it's got cream.

Of course, it's still chicken soup.

Who needs coffee when we can keep alert

by perusing these
very up-to-date magazines?

Look, Dad. That cute Tricia Nixon's
getting married.

Excuse me, may we get an update
on Roz Doyle?

Sure. She is still in early labour.
Hang in there.

She's pretty.
I should make a play for her.

Considering how young and attractive
I am tonight.

I said I was sorry.

Not half as sorry as
when I ran over that speed bump

and you left a headprint
on the ceiling of my BMW.

Hello.

Niles, didn't expect to see you here.

The doorman found Roz's purse in
the lobby. I thought she might need it.

I suppose you also came to gloat.
You got Vicky, I didn't.

Neither of us got Vicky.
She went home with the bartender.

Really?

Well, you know what I say? Her loss.

Absolutely right. Her loss.

Has saying that
ever made you feel any better?

Not a whit.

It's been a hell of a night
for all of us.

It certainly was for me.
I lost Vicky, my rug is ruined,

someone left weird brown stains
on my wing chair.

Hello.

I came down as soon as I heard.
What the hell happened to your hair?

I coloured it just like you told me to.

This isn't cinnamon sable.

I couldn't use that.
It had a woman's picture on the box.

I used some stuff called Color In A Can.
It said just spray on and go.

- How did I know it was a lousy product?
- If only there had been some clue.

Don't you start on me.
You had me melting by that fire.

Wait a minute. You're the one
who left stains on my wing chair.

I was wondering when you'd crack that,
Miss Marple.

Don't start with me.

Stop it! What is wrong with you?
Our friend is having a baby in there.

We've all had dreadful evenings
but we should be thinking about Roz.

Exactly.

Besides, nobody could have had
as horrendous an evening as I did.

I got stood up at a Bat Mitzvah.
I waited there an hour.

He left a lame excuse on the machine,

but if he thinks he's got another chance
with me, he's meshuggah.

Oh, boo hoo, anyway.
At least you had a date tonight.

And at least your apartment
wasn't decimated.

I went to a party tonight
with shoe polish on my hair.

That's it. Breathe. You're doing great.

Take care, honey.

Good luck.

We love you.

She's very tired, so
I'll have to ask you to make it quick.

Roz, congratulations.

Look at her.

She is beautiful.

Mazel tov.

It's a long story.

So, what's her name?

Alice. Alice May Doyle.

My daughter. My God,
that's the first time I ever said that.

You look great. How do you feel?

Fine. I'm just a little tired.

Maybe we should go.
I'll drop by and see you tomorrow.

I sure would love to hold her
for just a second.

Maybe we should just wait
until you're not dripping toxins.

We'll see you, then. OK. Bye.

- Congratulations.
- I'll be along in a second.

Roz, congratulations again.

I'm so proud of you.
Your little girl is just perfect.

She is, isn't she?

- My God, look at your face.
- I must look real lovely.

Yes, that's exactly how you look.
Lovely.

I don't think I've ever seen a face
more purely happy than right now.

Little Alice,

how I wish you could wake up right now

and see how beautiful your mother looks.

Then again, you need your rest.

You did great, honey.

Sleep well.

- Well, hello.
- Hi.

This may be an odd time to ask you this
but I was convinced

that we sort of made
some eye contact in the waiting room.

I was wondering if I could
get your number?

- But what about your...?
- Forget about her. She's asleep.

What kind of monster are you?

Her loss.