Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 11 - Ain't Nobody's Business If I Do - full transcript

I got your message about the wine club
and I'll be there.

Dad's kicking me out of the house so
he and Sherry can have a little party.

Life really is a circle, isn't it?

Dad's using my place for a party
and just a few years ago,

Dad would have to leave his house
for my parties.

If you'd had any parties,
that would be filled with irony.

Thank goodness you're here.
I've got some shocking news.

What is it?

I found a ring
in your father's underwear drawer.

What on earth would leave a ring
around his underwear drawer?

Not around, in.
An engagement ring in a jewellery box.



Dad must be about to ask Sherry to
marry him. Do you know what that means?

We're going to hear what Mendelssohn's
Wedding March sounds like on the banjo.

It means she'll be our mother.
What are we going to do?

There's nothing we can do, Niles.
It's what Dad wants.

What'll we call her?

I suppose she'll want us
to call her Mother.

No, that's too formal.
No, Mama. No, Ma.

Better still.
Don't you look nice, Ma.

Yes, I'd love another corn dog, Ma.

Off to the roller derby, Ma?

That's typical of you two.
Your father is about to get married,

and all you can think about
is how it will affect you.

What about me?

- What about you?
- Sherry's never exactly liked me.



You don't think she'll try to make
your father get rid of me, do you?

No, Daphne.
He'd be lost without you.

Yes, and even if that were to happen,
I could always use you.

I mean that I would know
of a position you could take that...

Services that you could perform...

I would know of an opening...

This is on me.

Marty, you need to stir the dip more.
It's got whole lumps of soup mix in it.

Sorry.

Quite the little shindig
you two are planning for tonight.

You have the cheese logs.

Erotic fortune cookies.

For after dinner, a bloopers tape.

Too Hot for Hee-Haw.

I see that Martha Stewart party book
I gave you really paid off.

This crowd
wouldn't go for froufrou stuff.

Get them liquored up, put out some
corn nuts and they can go all night.

- When you say all night...
- Here you go, smooth as silk.

Who's attending this soirée?

Just some old friends
I'm dying for Marty to meet.

Now let's see,
there's Ray and Lola Sherwood.

I worked with them in Atlantic City
when they had a knife-throwing act.

Marty, try not to stare at her eye.
She gets self-conscious.

And let's see.

Edie's coming with her new fiancé.

- She finally met him, huh?
- Just this week.

They're engaged,
and they met this weekend?

Well, up until now, it's been kind
of a pen-pal relationship. He's been...

detained the last few years.

You'll need some room
for those corn nuts.

Why don't I just get this pesky
priceless sculpture out of your way?

I never heard from Vic and Linda.
Did you get a message?

- No.
- Maybe they left one on my machine.

So what're you guys up to tonight?

Our wine club is having
a vertical tasting of the Opus One.

Well, don't drink too much.

You don't drink the wine. You
just swish it around and spit it out.

We all did that at Duke's
New Year's Eve party.

Course it wasn't wine, it was egg salad.

I just got a message
from my manager down at McGinty's.

Some guy came in
asking questions about me.

What kind of questions?

Where I used to work,
the people I used to date,

and my neighbour said somebody
asked her about me, too.

- Somebody's checking up on you.
- Like a detective?

It's probably a credit card company.
I wouldn't worry about it.

It is a little scary.
I wish I knew who it was.

Forget it, honey.
I've been through this before.

Private investigators
never leave a trail.

- It could be anyone.
- If you say so.

- Which one of you hired him?
- That is just crazy.

Who else would have the money
to do that?

We had nothing to do with it.

Do you think we'd
hire someone to spy on Sherry?

- I'm insulted.
- As am I.

- I jumped to the wrong conclusion.
- You certainly have.

- I'm sorry, boys.
- It's all right, Dad.

Just forget about it.

You hired a detective? How could you?

I have never been so insulted.

OK, I'm sorry.
I'm just looking out for Dad here.

What do we
really know about this woman?

She makes Dad happy.
That's all we need to know.

Some people get married before they know
all they should. Remember cousin Donald?

He was married two years before
he found out his wife used to be a man.

Cousin Donald is a rare case.
Most people don't have a hidden past.

And most people have a better eye
for details than Donald.

The woman could pick up
a watermelon with one hand.

I was just simply trying to get
some background information.

Well, stop it.

- Call it off right now, Niles.
- Consider it done.

- We've got to run.
- Yeah. Goodbye.

Have a nice time, you two.
We'll save you some cake.

Thank you.
You see that, how sweet she is?

I can't believe you're having her
investigated. Try trusting people.

- Quick, is someone following me?
- Yes, here comes Lady Law now.

Excuse me, ma'am,
I saw you cross against the light.

I'm going to have to write you a ticket.

I'm really sorry about that.
It's just that it's so cold out there,

and the pollution, and I didn't
want to expose my unborn child

to the elements any longer
than I needed to.

You're pregnant.
I know a little bit about that myself.

Then you know exactly
what I'm talking about.

Society doesn't go easy
on pregnant ladies, does it?

So when are you due?

I'm not pregnant.

That's Roz Doyle.

Do you want to step over here, please?

- Hello, Niles.
- Hello, Frasier. May I borrow your pen?

Certainly. How do you do?

I appreciate all your hard work

and I am sorry to have to break off
the investigation in the middle.

People change their minds all the time.

I'm sure they do. There you are.

Thank you. Goodbye.

- There, now don't you feel better?
- I suppose so.

You have to admit
I was right on this one.

You had no justification
for giving in to your baser instincts

and prying into Sherry's past.

I almost forgot. I wrote up a little
report on what I found out so far.

That's one interesting lady.

I should've told him
to drop it in the trash.

We're concerned with Dad's happiness.

Sometimes you are like a beacon,
piercing the fog of my baser instincts.

- Miss, would you drop that in the...
- Give me that.

You've proven your point.
I hate myself for what I'm doing.

We're doing it for Dad's own good.

So far, so good.

Graduated from high school.

Almost paid off her Subaru.

- Did you know she'd been married?
- Yes, she mentioned that.

To Johnny Dempsey.

There were two others:
Ned Foley, Marc Wallace.

That's a bit troubling.
Three previous marriages?

Vincent Mayhew.

Milton Mandell.

- Walt...
- Just give me the total.

Six. That we know of.

You had to go and fire that
detective before he finished his report.

Six husbands.

She's obviously incapable
of remaining in a relationship.

Doesn't bode well for the marriage.

On the upside, it does bode well for Dad
getting a "yes" when he proposes.

He has a right to know about this.

We told him we weren't
involved in the investigation.

Maybe we can impart the information
without explaining how we came by it.

- Drop it in the conversation.
- And how would that go?

"Dad, going to the Sherry
Ex-Husband Convention this year?"

Besides, Dad may know already.

I think we need to find that out.

What if Dad marries her and in a year
he's tossed aside like Danny Mitchell?

- Who's that?
- Page five. Engaged, but never married.

- Hey, boys.
- Hey, Dad.

What do you think about this jacket?
Something doesn't quite feel right.

- I think it's nice.
- Really?

Dad, I was talking with a lady today.

I happened to mention
that I had been married twice before.

A look clouded over her face as if
I had confessed to some unspeakable sin.

And people who've been married more
than that. Quite a taboo they face.

I don't know. It's so...

I think it all harkens back
to the puritanical streak

that still runs through this country.
What do you think?

There's a yakety-yak streak
that runs through this family.

Maybe it's the shirt.
You like this shirt?

Yes, it's nice.

Might make a good topic
to discuss on my show.

The hurdles that are faced
by people with multiple marriages.

Hard to round up enough people
who've been married a lot of times.

- Do you know anyone?
- No, I don't.

Mrs Kranz upstairs...

- How about you, Dad?
- Sure, I know some people.

Really, you do?

- I think.
- You think?

Maybe I do, maybe I don't.
I hate this shirt.

I've got to change this shirt.

- That was fruitless.
- I'll tell you one thing I'm sure of.

Yes?

Oh, I'm allowed to talk now, am I?

I've never seen your father so nervous.

He's meeting Sherry
and I bet he'll pop the question.

- We have to tell him.
- But we don't know what he knows.

If she'd told him
she'd been married six times,

- he would remember.
- Who, Sherry?

Maybe this shirt isn't so bad
with this new jacket.

- What do you think of this jacket?
- It's nice.

Sherry's been married six times?

- Who told you that?
- They did.

What's this all about?

I'd love to see the first shirt
with the second jacket.

You got this from the investigator.
You did hire him.

I guess there's no use in denying it.
Yes, we did hire him.

Although the word "we"
is not entirely accurate.

- Frasier, I am shocked that...
- Shut up, Niles.

Dad, we were just concerned about you.
We know about the engagement ring.

- Who went through my drawers?
- Pointing fingers won't help.

- What's the matter with you?
- She did it.

It's nice to know there isn't a
single person in this house I can trust.

Sherry told me about her marriages.

I didn't tell you because
it's none of your damn business,

just like it's none of your business
who I marry or who I don't marry.

I don't know why
I'm even wasting my time talking to you.

See what I get
for confiding in you two blabbermouths.

Next time I find something
in your father's underwear drawer,

I'm just going to sit on it.

This evening is an entire disaster.

I'm already late for dinner with Maris.
I don't know how this could've happened.

Who'd have guessed that something so
innocent as spying on a man's girlfriend

and rifling his underwear drawer
could turn so ugly?

There is one consolation. We told Dad
the truth and could bear his anger.

That's the nice thing about
our relationship. We're all adults.

We're not afraid of confrontation.

Stop stalling, Niles.
Dad must be in the elevator by now.

Look what I found
in your father's jacket.

- I do not want to know.
- He forgot the ring.

This will be embarrassing for him.

- I suppose I could take it down to him.
- No, Daphne, I should do that.

It'll give me an excellent opportunity
to show him how happy I am

- that he's marrying Sherry.
- That would be nice.

I can't figure out why he would propose
in McGinty's.

It's so shabby.

Well, I guess maybe
he was just trying to match the ring.

So I told her that you and l
would take a trip up there this spring.

- Well, you like my sister, right?
- Yeah, sure.

You can't hold
one embarrassing moment against her.

She didn't know you were in there.

No, I don't. No, I like your sister.

Well, then what is wrong with you?
You're being so quiet.

- I got something on my mind.
- Well, what is it?

I've been thinking
a lot about us, and...

Where do you see us going?

I don't know. I mean,
I'm having fun the way things are.

You have your life, I have mine.
No pressure.

That's what I thought you'd say.

Is there something wrong
with having fun?

No. We've been just having fun
for a long time now.

Let me ask you something. Where
do you see us in a year? Five years?

I don't know.
I try not to look too far ahead.

That's the difference between us.

Because I can't stop thinking
that far ahead.

I've come to realise, Sherry,
that I want to get married again.

And, you know, that's
not anything that you're interested in.

Well, can you blame me?
I mean, Marty, you know my track record.

I've been down that road a lot of times.

I've learned the hard way.
I'm not looking for forever.

Well...

I am.

So you're breaking up with me?

We're just looking for different things,
Sherry. I'm sorry.

- It's hot in here.
- Yeah.

Dad, fancy seeing you here.
Can I speak with you for a second?

Will you get out of here?

I've got something you might want
before you tell Sherry...

He's already told me.

He has?

Well, that is just wonderful.
And may I say, it's about time.

- I couldn't be happier for you.
- That's nice to know.

Dad, I'd like you to know that
everybody is 100% behind this decision.

I'm so glad that you're so happy
your father is breaking up with me.

Breaking up?

I had no idea.

And you get paid to help people
through their difficult moments in life?

It isn't easy saying goodbye, is it?

No. It doesn't get any easier either.
I should know.

Listen, Marty, this is usually the time
people say, "Well, let's be friends".

And then there's a phone call or two,
but they never see each other again.

Well, I just want you to know that I am
around for you if you ever get lonely

or you just need to talk.

Thanks.

And when you call,
if a man answers, hang up.

Hi, Dad.

Obviously I came down here
to bring you this.

Obviously I made another
colossal blunder in a week full of them.

I'm really sorry, Dad.

I guess you don't really
feel like talking, huh?

You know, Frasier, sometimes I just
feel like sitting and watching a game.

Fine. I can do that.
Yeah. Sure.

Well, so the Sonics and...

Bulls.

That Jordan,
he's really something, huh? Yeah.

The way he scores those points

and gets the ball back
when the other team misses.

That's incredible. He made
the same impossible shot twice in a row.

It's the instant replay.

You know, I was carrying this thing
around for a month.

- Really?
- Yeah.

But at the end of every night,
I just couldn't pop the question.

And then I realised it was because
I knew what the answer would be.

She didn't want to get married again.

- I'm sorry, Dad.
- It's all right.

Maybe it wouldn't have
worked out between us anyway.

Your mom's a hard act to follow.

I never went through
anything like this with her.

We knew we were meant to be together.
And that was that.

It's hard to find that out there.

I've been trying for a while.

You'll get there.

Hope we both do.

You know, Dad, in time...

That was quite a shot.

Yeah, Payton's been pretty hot lately.

- What's the score?
- Sonics are down by five.

Got a chance if they can hold Jordan.

- Can I get a beer here, please?
- Yeah, make that two.