Frasier (1993–2004): Season 4, Episode 7 - A Lilith Thanksgiving - full transcript

Hello? Yes, Buck, it's Dr Crane.

I'm calling to see if the cabin
is ready for us.

Uh, You got the case of Montrachet?
Good. Good.

And the Thanksgiving feast
will be delivered promptly at 3?

Good. The woodpile's
been thoroughly inspected for spiders?

Excellent. Thank you.

Well, we're ready to rough it
in the great Northwest.

If you don't mind my asking,
you taking anything along

- to keep your nephew amused?
- Yes, his grandfather.

Oh, by the way, what time tomorrow
are Frederick and Lilith flying in?

Her broom touches down at 11.



All right, now,
when you mist the plants,

be sure that the water is not too cold.
I know I'm harping on and on about this,

but I know you're not used to
dealing with delicate flowers.

I've produced your show
for three years, haven't I?

I'll leave you a number at Niles' cabin
in case anything goes wrong.

Oh, yes, and by the way,
I frown on overnight guests.

Then you're not doing it right.

I'll leave you my number
in San Francisco too.

You're not going to the cabin
with them?

Daphne's decided to spend
a traditional Thanksgiving

with her transvestite uncle, Jackie.

Come on, Roz,
I'll show you around the kitchen.

So this uncle of yours, does he dress
like a woman all the time?

Oh, certainly not for work. His
congregation would never stand for it.



[NILES GROANS]

- What's wrong?
- Oh, just a little depressed.

This is my first Thanksgiving
without Maris.

Oh, yeah. I know, son, it's hard.

Remember the year I plopped
that big wedge of pumpkin pie

in front of her, and we all laughed?

Then I put a big scoop
of whipped cream on top of it,

and we laughed some more.

Then her eyes welled up with tears,
and we all knew it was time to stop.

Yes.

If it makes you feel any better,

I won't be having my dream
Thanksgiving either.

Why does Lilith
have to tag along anyway?

She didn't wanna spend
the holiday alone.

Her husband is in New Zealand,
exploring a volcano.

- Why couldn't she go with him?
- Because if she accidentally fell in,

the shock wave from the hottest thing
in nature meeting the coldest

would actually crack the Earth in two.

As if a smile from Maris
couldn't freeze Mercury.

Guys, let it go.
Nobody's gonna win this one.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Yes, Lilith.

Yes, Lilith.

- Yes, Lilith.
- Gee, it's like they were still married.

If you change the paper towels,
he likes the flap facing the front.

If you change the bathroom tissue,
the flap faces the back.

Don't ask me why.

- Don't know how you live with him.
- Don't know how you work with him.

Well, I have learned a trick.

When he's really bugging me,
I ask if he hasn't lost a little weight.

Before you know it,
he's checking his butt out

in the glass at the candy machine.

Really? I tell him he's gained weight.

He skips dinner, sulks in his room, and
I have the whole evening to myself.

Oh, good.

Okay, you tell Frederick I said bravo.

Frederick just passed the qualifying
exam for the Marbury Academy!

Huzzah!

What is that, some school?

Some... school?

[LAUGHING]
That's... He doesn't...

[LAUGHING]
Oh, Dad. Oh, Dad, please.

No, the Marbury Academy is the most
exclusive private school in all of Boston.

It's a breeding ground
of power and privilege.

Lilith and I have to be interviewed
by the headmaster.

He's got a busy schedule.
He has agreed to see us Thanksgiving.

This, of course, changes our plans.

Wait. You mean I don't get to see
my grandson?

Of course you do. We'll move our
Thanksgiving celebration to Boston.

- I'll call the airline.
- I'd better cancel

our rustic Thanksgiving.
Hello, Buck, it's Dr Crane.

Take the mints off the pillows.

Frederick, your father is here.

- Dad!
MARTIN: Hey, Frederick!

FRASIER: Good to see you.
MARTIN: Good boy.

- Hi, Lilith, how you doing?
- Happy Thanksgiving, Lilith.

Martin. Niles.

Nice neighbourhood. I noticed a whole
bunch of kids Freddie's age

- playing in the street.
- Yes.

He's spent many happy hours at his
window observing their play patterns.

Niles, I'm afraid, with this interview,
I'm running a little behind schedule,

so I'm enlisting you to help
with the turkey.

Oh, well, I've never cooked a turkey
before, but the recipe's here.

I guess I can fumble my way through.
How far along are you?

I'm nearly done defrosting.

And the turkey?

Might I suggest you stuff it?

So the rabbit says to the bear,
"No, no. I said, 'Oedipal' not 'edible."'

Good one, Dad.

- Hello, Lilith.
- You're late.

Oh, well, happy Thanksgiving
to you too.

Well, there, Frederick.

Now, Mommy and Daddy have
to run off to this meeting.

After that, I'm all yours. Meanwhile,
why don't you head on upstairs

and show Granddad and Niles
your new computer?

FREDERICK: Okay.
MARTIN: Come on, sport.

My God, are you half as nervous
as I am?

- And then some.
- We have got to master our nerves.

It is vital that we appear to be
well-adjusted, responsible parents.

Lilith, do you still keep the Valium
with the contraceptives?

Sorry, I needed the last one just
to go in and pick up the application.

I'll assume you meant the Valium.

Perhaps before the interview

you should sheathe
that butter-knife-sharp wit of yours.

Perhaps we could find
the appropriate kitchen tool

to ratchet down that bun of yours
a notch or two.

Frasier, stop.
We should be focusing on our son.

You're right, of course.
We've always had our differences,

but we've put them aside
for the welfare of Frederick.

This may be the most important thing
we ever do to ensure his happiness.

Not counting our divorce.

Freddie's gonna break in
this new mitt I bought him.

Frederick doesn't play ball.

He was just about to watch
Pocahontas and write a satiric essay

on the historical inaccuracies.

[FRASIER LAUGHS]

FRASIER:
Well, we're off.

Now, wait. Where do you
keep your saffron?

- Third cupboard.
- Um-hmm. Where are your shallots?

In the crisper. By the way,
you still have to remove the entrails

from the chest cavity.

In that case, where do you keep
your ten-foot pole?

All right, Mommy and Daddy
are going to see

that you're wearing a Marbury blazer,
or die trying.

Dad, maybe you
should remove the entrails.

No can do.
Freddie and I are gonna play catch.

Mother says balls
are for the slow children.

Yeah?
Well, Grandpa's in charge now.

You're gonna love baseball.
It's easy as riding a bike.

- Mother says bikes are...
- Yeah, I know. I know.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

- Dr Campbell.
- Dr Sternin.

- Dr Campbell.
- Dr Crane.

Please come in.

- You have a lovely home.
- Yes.

Thank you so much
for seeing us today.

You're welcome. Make yourselves
comfortable. I'll get coffee.

Thank you.

I think that went
rather well, don't you?

So far, so good.

Oh, my God, we have just got to get
Frederick into this school.

I am so nervous. I feel as though all
the colour has drained from my face.

- How is my makeup?
- Well, you could use a pinch.

- Oh, do I have time?
- No, no, no, you can use a pinch.

Thank you.

- Oh, oh, Lord. Oh, oh, dear.
- What?

Oh, well, I, uh...

I just reached down to pull a thread
off what I thought was on my jacket.

It seems it's attached to this cushion.

Oh, Lord.
Look, now this little bird has no beak.

- Stop doing that.
- I, um... Give me your nail clippers.

- I didn't bring them. Just bite it off.
- All right.

- Does either of you take cream?
- Yes. Yes, thank you.

Then let me begin by saying
that the child who fills this opening

need not worry for the future.

"Opening"? There's only one?

Yes. Well, children of alumni
and certain generous benefactors

are, of course, given preference.

- Of course.
- Of course.

Now regarding your Frederick,
his scores, of course, are excellent,

and I have no doubt he is being
courted by other prestigious schools.

- Oh, yes.
- Yes, that goes without saying.

Still, we like to think
that we are a cut above.

Our sixth-grade talent show

just spawned
a highly successful cast album.

Frederick has perfect pitch.

Yes, we often use him
to tune the piano.

[PHONE RINGING]

Excuse me.

Hello?

Senator Geiger.

I thought I'd made it perfectly plain
that you'd be notified by mail.

Well, senator, rules may not mean
anything on Capitol Hill,

but they still mean something to me.

And that is why young Noah will be
seeking his education elsewhere.

Do I sound flexible?

Marbury thanks you for your interest.

[CUP CLATTERS]

- Frasier, your coffee.
- Oh, yes, please be careful.

Those chairs have been
in the family for three generations.

Okay, let's take a look.

Oh, it's not so bad.

[NILES YELPS]

- You hardly notice it.
FREDERICK: Uh-oh.

- I lost my MedicAlert bracelet.
- Oh, maybe it fell off

- when we were playing catch.
- I'll go look.

All right.

I still don't know how it happened.
I lobbed it right to him.

When will you learn?
The only thing the Crane boys

are skilled at catching is sarcastic
nuance and the occasional virus.

Let's make a pact that as long as
we're guests of Lilith's,

we'll avoid all activities
that could possibly harm Frederick.

Where are those pie crusts?

FREDERICK:
Found it.

[THUD]

I taste blood.

- Now you've done it.
- My God, Frederick, I am so sorry.

Squeeze right up here. There.
[CAR DRIVES UP]

It's them. Hey, pal, why don't we
go find some cotton upstairs

- for that thing, huh?
- Wait, wait, wait.

- How will I explain this to Lilith?
- How did you give Maris bad news?

Usually by breaking a tranquillizer
into her Slim-Fast.

Did you notice how
those patrician eyebrows of his arched

when you mentioned
Frederick's National Science Award?

FRASIER: Yes.
- I take it Dr Campbell

was favourably impressed?

- Ohhh.
- We had an initial bout of nervousness,

but after that, we did
an absolute bang-up job.

Speaking of bang-up jobs...

You know, Lilith,
there's just one question

- I wish we'd answered differently.
- Which one?

Remember, he mentioned
Frederick was being courted

by other schools?

I wonder if we shouldn't have
made it clear

that Marbury is far and away
our first choice.

Frasier, if you overanalyse
every detail,

you will rob us
of the joy of the moment.

It will be our wedding night
all over again.

Speaking of hard-to-explain bruises...

Yes, well, you're right. You're right,
of course. I'm sure everything's fine.

Unless we didn't convey to him
how highly we regard Marbury.

Well, see, that is my worry.

We must correct this.
What should I say?

Oh, Lilith, stop! Stop! Remember what
happened when the senator called?

- We need... We need a ruse.
LILITH: You're right.

How's this?

We go back, and I say that I lost
my earring in his living room.

While looking for it,
we casually mention

that Marbury
is Frederick's first and only choice.

- Perfect.
- Let's go.

Speaking of dumb-ass ideas...

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

Ah, yes, Dr Campbell, I hope we're
not disturbing anything important.

Actually, I'm a bit frazzled trying to get
my Thanksgiving dinner together.

I'm afraid I lost an earring
here this morning.

Well, I'll have a look around
and call you if it turns up.

- Well, um...
- Uh, do you think

I might be able
to take a peek right now?

I wouldn't even think of asking, but it
was a treasured gift from Golda Meir.

- Very well.
- Thank you.

Forgive me, I must turn the heat down
on the pumpkin soup.

We rehearsed everything
we were going to say on the ride over.

Where the hell did Golda Meir
come from?

I admit it wasn't half
as clever as "um."

- But it got us in.
- Mm-hmm.

- Any luck?
- Not yet.

We're so sorry about this. The whole
ride over here we kept saying:

"Why did this have to happen at
the only school that matters to us?"

Yes, as you know,
Marbury is our first choice.

Oh, look, here it is.

- That was lucky.
- Remarkably so.

Considering that wasn't the chair
you were sitting in.

- Um...
- Well, I suppose it's time

we be shoving off.

I'm curious. I've always been
a great admirer of Mrs Meir.

How did you meet?

Oh, well, it's a funny story.

Oh, yes. Yeah.

Frasier, you tell it
much better than I do.

Oh, yes. Yes.
It was back in college days.

Lilith spent a summer at a kibbutz

and was dating her grandson, Oscar.

That would be Oscar Meir?

Yes. Well, just imagine
the ribbing he took.

Indeed. Well, it's so good
to see you both again.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving.
Marbury thanks you for your interest.

Wait. Wait a minute.
"Marbury thanks you for your interest."

- We know what that means.
- Oh, good.

Then you'll have no trouble
interpreting this.

You had to give him gum, didn't you?

Not just gum, bubble gum.

Maybe what threw him off is having
to breathe through his mouth

while he chewed it.

You know, Frederick, when I was a
boy nothing brought a smile to my face

like when Mother would make
a r?moulade and let me lick the spoon.

- Thanks, Uncle Niles.
- You're welcome.

You think maybe
I should trim his bangs a little bit?

Maybe you should put the scissors
down while he still has one good eye.

Uh-oh.

- Is there anchovies in this?
- Yes.

Oh, my God, I've never seen hives
break out that fast.

[CAR DRIVES UP]

- They're back!
- Freddie, you got any pills for this?

I got pills for everything.

Of all the names in the universe,
you had to pick "Oscar."

You started us down that path
of insanity.

Golda Meir. Golda my ass!

This sniping is pointless.

Getting into Marbury
was a long shot anyway.

You heard the man.

Most of these openings go to children
of alumni and generous benefactors.

FRASIER:
Yes, yes.

Wait a minute.

Oh, my God, we're such fools.
See what he was trying to tell us?

He was trying to give us the way
to get Frederick accepted.

Are you saying he was fishing
for a donation?

So you think he was just trying to see
if we were willing to pay our fair share?

What else?

- Hi, Daddy.
- In a minute, Frederick.

God, it was right in front of us,
and we missed it.

- We didn't even see it.
- How could we be so blind?

Maybe we should get ourselves back
there and give him what he wants.

Right. We can't let anything stand
in the way of our son's welfare.

- Mother.
- Mother has to run, munchkin.

Go play with Grandpa.

Ah, Dr Sternin and Dr Crane.

Forgive me if I don't give you
a big hello hug,

but as you can see,
I'm wearing this greasy apron.

On top of which, I'm beginning
to loathe the sight of both of you.

All the more reason for us to be brief.

Yes, I'm sure you'll be on your way just
as soon as you've found the cufflink

given to you by Haile Selassie.

No false pretence this time.

We know that with so many qualified
applicants and only one position open

that your decision
must be very difficult.

Yes. And so,
in the spirit of the holidays,

like Indians
to your Pilgrims' table,

we bring this little bit of garnish,
as it were,

in the hopes that our relationship
may flower.

I'll have you know that, in 22 years,
I have never accepted a bribe.

I have to tell you
that I find this utterly offensive...

...in every possible way.

Now, if you don't mind,
I have guests on the way

and a turkey so undercooked a skilled
veterinarian could still save him.

- But, Dr Campbell...
- Unless the rest of that sentence is:

"I have a fully cooked turkey"
in the breast pocket of that blazer,

I'm afraid our conversation
is at an end.

Muah!

[TIMER DINGS]

CAMPBELL: This is indeed
a very special holiday for us all.

Pamela, Cynthia,
I'm particularly grateful

that finally you've been able
to set aside your differences

and join us in this Thanksgiving...

...tortellini.

Well, as angry as I was
that you admitted Regan into Marbury

instead of our Wesley,
it's all worked out for the best.

Wesley is thriving
at the Barkley School.

I'm delighted to hear it.

Oh, I have a dusty bottle
of Chateau Lafitte in the cellar

waiting for an occasion like this.

Well...

This is nice.

Yes, it is.

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

- I'll get it.
- I'll get it.

- Hello.
- Hello, is Dr Campbell in?

Yes, he's just gone to the cellar
to get a bottle of wine.

Don't mean to intrude,
but we heard

he was having trouble with his turkey,
thought we'd drop this by.

Oh, how very generous of you.
Please, come in.

- Oh, thank you.
- Look, everyone, friends of Colin's

- have brought us a turkey.
- Well, I think "friends"

is probably stretching it just a tad.

You see, our son
was a candidate for Marbury,

and in our zeal to see him accepted,
we may have come on a bit strongly.

Yes. Well, I mean, I'm sure you
understand, as parents yourselves.

It's only natural to wish
the very best for your son.

- Oh, absolutely.
- There are other good schools.

- Barkley is excellent.
- Yes. Well, thank you very much

for trying to cheer us up.
But I mean, really,

if you're looking for a filet mignon,
you can hardly swallow ground chuck.

Now, now.
Barkley is a very charming little school.

- "Little school"?
- Now, don't be so sensitive.

- Damn your condescension.
- Damn your jealousy!

- Don't talk to my wife that way!
- Oh, shut up, Elliot.

Don't you talk to my husband
that way!

[CONFUSED CHATTER]

Quiet!

We brought a turkey.

I don't know how this started.

I can only be sure it started
with the two of you.

- Actually, we...
- I will die a happy man

if I never set eyes
on either of you again.

Unfortunately, there's only one way
I can think of to ensure that.

Your son Frederick is hereby admitted
to the Marbury School.

However, he will be immediately
expelled if either of you violates

any of the following conditions:

You will not bring him to school.
You will not collect him.

You will not attend any recitals, plays,
sporting events or school functions

up to and including Frederick Crane
Day, should we ever have one.

And when graduation comes,

you will dispatch an appropriate envoy
with a video camera.

And now it is with great pleasure

- that I bid you goodbye forever.
- Allow me.

BOTH:
We're in.